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Happy 8th!
This marks the 8th year that I've had this website. It also marks a change in my attitude. More on that later. Suffice to say, things are looking up, and not just because good things are on the horizon. But more because I'm looking up.
Vista Drive is now updated throughout the month. Check out the new pictures added to the Color and Black & White sections, as well as the near daily updates to the Vista Observer.
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Afterthoughts : This Past Month
Mid-year, and time for a change in thought. I've had very little luck with women throughout my life. A few months ago I declared right here on this site that I was forsaking the pursuit of women, because it was a dead-end. But, I went back on that promise, only to get the door shut again. I found that I was happier before I went back to my pursuit. This month I decided to not look back on the past, but forward to the choices I made in my manifesto where I stated that I would "Actively, and consciously, avoid becoming emotionally attracted to the idea of a relationship with a woman." And since that day I have been happy.
Michael's Memorial
July 7 - A funeral is the final act of a person's life. We have them to remember the person, but also to make their leaving real. Without them death is abstract. I've heard some people mention that the death of a love one is thought of as the love one going off to a vacation. It's how we cope with the idea. Funerals are final, there's no doubt that they're gone. Michael's memorial at the Staple's center was that final moment where the reality of his passing came to me. Hearing his daughter praise him for being a great father really hit home. I know he was a good father, because he cared for children. Forget the allegations, I know for a fact that Michael would never harm a child. I wish I could have said good-bye.
San Marino Grand Classic Car Show
July 11 - Sweltering in the baking sun is not my idea of a good time. Especially when the heat is combined with terrible humidity. This was the recipe for the San Marino Grand Classic car show. The cars were quite nice, but my time in the sun was not. I spent the better part of the day, nearly 4 hours, standing by a gate guarding shadows and entry to the park. At least dinner afterward with my San Marino co-workers was fun.
UCLA / Hannah Carter Japanese garden
July 21 - The first test of my "women only as friends" mode of thinking went well. I told my friends that this day would be the day I would ask Robbin out on a date. But, in the interim I opened my eyes and realized asking her out would mean yet ANOTHER rejection. I thought long and hard about this, so it's not something I take lightly. I'm going to die alone. I know that as sure as I know that I exist. It's not the worst thing in the world. The worst thing would be to wallow in this, let it drag my life down. I'm going to let that happen. I am dedicating myself to my own enlightenment, and this is one of many steps that I'll take. I wasn't afraid to do this a few months ago, and I'm certainly not afraid now. Now my resolve has been fortified with real life experience.
July 31 - Groundhog Day
Not much has happened the last third of this month. Work is work, and I'm pretty bored with it all. My Glendale job is the same exact thing EVERY week. I even see the same books over again. It's getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous. I need a change, but to what? No other libraries are hiring (that I know of). I had planned to go back to school and also work at my old job at Oviatt. But, that didn't work out, so now I'm stuck at Glendale. The people there are just down. There's something that hangs in the air there, a melancholy cloud. The people there seem to be going through the motions, must like myself. Only they seem to be stuck in whatever motions they're involved in. I can easily get stuck just the same, despite not wanting to. If I give up and give in then I'm doomed. As long as I still have hope of escaping I still have a chance.
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Editorial : Lonely
I've tried not to think about it, as well as denying it, but there's no escaping it. I'm a lonely person. As I write this it's the last of the month and I'm sitting here wondering what to write about. And the only subject that comes to mind is how my loneliness came on really strong today. At work there was a moment when I thought I would just hit something. It was a feeling stemming from the loneliness I feel right now. I asked a co-worker earlier this week if it was too soon after her break-up to ask her out on a date. She said it was, but that she was flattered that I asked. That will be the end of it, I'm sure of it. My deductive powers are now to the point that I know the answer before it's even spoken. Actually, the answer is known to me even before I ask the question. If only I could erase the loneliness inside me as easily as I deduce.
The worst part is how certain it is that I'll remain lonely. When it comes to finding a relation I'm Sisyphus. It's as certain as death that I will try and fail, only to try again, only to fail again. This will continue to go on despite my best intentions to stop. I will declare again and again, and again, that I have given up on the futile endeavor only to take a breath and try again. I guess you can call that one of two things: perseverance or stupidity. My vote is for stupidity. I always vow not to try again only to try harder the next time. Of course I fail, because the Herculean effort is never enough. So I'll continue to do this until I just die, all the time growing more lonely. I hate that I'm completely inept at matters of the heart. I hate that I'm lonely. I hate that nothing I do will change this.
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