Issue # 92 - April 2009
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Whittling Things Down Further
A friend of mine scolded me for once saying, "It can't get any worse," because it can ALWAYS get worse. So I'm not saying that anymore. More on that in "Afterthoughts." For now, here's the update.
Vista Drive gets a nice update this month, with the addition if several new photos to Color, B&W and Motel. Not to mention the daily update to The Vista Observer. I've decided to add pictures throughout the month, not just at the beginning of a new month, so visit Vista Drive often.
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Afterthoughts : A "Perfect" State of Limbo
2007 was not the greatest of years. When it ended I was pretty sure that 2008 would be much better, but it wasn't. I remember talking to a friend and saying, "It can't get worse," and 2008 turned out to be one of the most pointless of my life. So yes, it can get worse. 2009 has been an improvement over the last couple of years. But now I seem to be stuck in a state of limbo. Things don't get worse, but they also don't improve. I guess I should be happy that things are getting worse. But this state of limbo fells bad, and is potentially just as bad as things getting worse.
As I write this I'm still waiting on my appeal to the masters program at my old school. I wrote my contact at the school and he told me that the appeal process is still ongoing. I'll supposedly know within three weeks of this posting what the results of that appeal. Then there's also the house, which at the time I'm writing this has yet to be sold.
The story of the house showcases the limbo I'm in. A few weeks ago I drove up to Bakersfield to sign some papers. I was supposed to get the money at the end of that week. Well, the end of the week came and went and nothing happened. The buyer "disappeared" and we had to go with another offer. As I write this the offer is pending, but I don't have much hope for it.
What sucks is that I'm trying to shake things up and move forward, but it's hard. I don't have much wiggle room, so it's hard to get anything going. But I continue to try, because the alternative is ten times as bad. I've given up on hoping because that doesn't get you anywhere. Hope is an excuse for inaction, to stand back and hope that dumb luck goes your way. I think that it's better to try and fail than to not try. In the past I would say that, but I was too much of a coward to actually live by that. But I've reached rock bottom, and I've come to realize there's nothing to be afraid of. I can't go on living in fear of failure. If anything, I should relish failure, because failure is the only path towards success.
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Etcetera : Not Like Him
In November of 2007 my father lay dying in his deathbed. I'm not sure why, but I took a picture of him as he lay there, helpless and waiting for death. I sent that picture to my old boss from the University library. This past month my old boss' email inbox was full, so he went through all his emails, deleting the ones that weren't important. He came across the one I had sent him of my Father and sent it back to me with the words, "You're either a genius or a sick sick bastard." I emailed him back, "I'm both." I thought about whether I should post that picture here, and I think I should because it really is part of my life. So here it is.
I had honestly forgotten that I had taken this picture. When I looked at the picture many thoughts came into my head. The main thought was that I didn't want to end up like he was in that picture. Another thought was how I didn't want to be like him. Because here he was, dying, reaching out to me, but I just couldn't reach back. I forgave him, like he asked me to, for all the wrongs he did to me and my mother. But I couldn't reach out to him, or care for him, like I did my Mother and Grandmother. I can't look back and regret that, because what's done is done. What I can do is assure myself that I won't be on my deathbed asking people for forgiveness.
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Shoppe : Vista Drive book
I decided to create a book with some of my favorite images off Vista Drive. To buy a copy click on the link.
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Read previous installments in the Elsewhere archive
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