Afterthoughts: This Past Month

The departure of TheNewCute dominated this month, so prepare for a lot of entries with her as the subject.  On to the update.

Thursday, August, 1, Once again my aunt made spaghetti in the middle of the week.  I know that she's just bored and starts cooking to find something to do during the day.  She put some sort of leaf in with the spaghetti which doesn't add any taste.  If anything it's too overpowering.  Oh yeah, and she didn't season the water before making the pasta.  Jeez.

On the days I work at Casa Verdugo I usually wear my boots to work because they're comfortable.  But this morning I slipped on the pair of shoes that I unusually wear when I do delivery.  It's not a big deal, but it is strange that I didn't notice until I was already at Casa.  The good thing is that these delivery shoes are comfortable.

I had a little initial trouble logging in to my account in order to apply for the library assistant job Mala said I should apply to.  I tried too many times with the wrong password and email, so I was locked out for an hour.  I was able to find the correct password and login combination.  I went through the process of applying for the job.  Let's see what happens.

While I was having lunch today I thought about how good it was that that Armen kid didn't work at Casa anymore.  Whenever I was having my lunch this kid kept coming into the kitchen.  And not only that, his helper was always in the bathroom.  Fucking rude.

My key fob for my car has been falling apart for a while.  I ordered a replacement online and today while at lunch I fixed it.  It's a good thing, because just taking the key off my keychain the fob fell apart.  I wish they made these things a little sturdier.

I often refer to my photo feed that shows pictures from this day in the past.  I want to think that I remember many of the pictures from that time, but then I see a picture that is something of a throwaway picture, but that has a lot of significance in my life.  Case in point the above blurry picture that I took WAY back in 2005.  It's a picture I took while at Hometown Buffet in Van Nuys.  Back then I would go there with my uncle all the time.  We had a good time, and good conversations.  He's been gone for four years now.  Hard to believe it's been that long.  Now he's gone and so is Hometown Buffet.

Friday, August, 2, Just when I thought the gut punches had taken a break comes the news that TheNewCute is moving back to Chicago.  What happened?  TheNewCute recently went to Mexico to attend a wedding and it made her think a lot about her relationship.  Her boyfriend Jake broke up with her last year, and quickly after that they got back together.  She didn't say anything was wrong since then, so I assumed that her relationship was OK.  But, then I also did see some cracks in the whole thing from time to time.  I noticed in the last few months that she was looking for things to do around town.  This is how I ended up getting her tickets to Stand by me.  But she wouldn't say she was going out with Jake, rather that she and Patty were going to a concert.  Or her and Arielle were going to such and such.  She told me today that it felt like they were just roommates.  When she returned from her trip to Mexico she knew that she couldn't live a lie anymore, and broke it off with Jake.  He pleaded for her to change her mind, but her mind was definitely made up.

She told Caley the other day that she was planning on resigning.  Last week she was throwing papers away from her files.  It was a done deal.  Her last day is officially August 27th, but she's going to use up some of her vacation time.

I'm going to miss her.  A lot.  She has been in my life for nearly five years, and in that time I've taken a shine to her.  She's unique in that she's kind in a cruel world.  I loved her smile, and her qwerks.  I'm going to miss our lunches at Brand.  I'm going to miss her kicking me.  But what can I do?  I'll keep in touch with her, that's for sure.  I even plan on sending her voice messages like I do with Ilsa.  But the distance is great, and I don't see myself visiting any time soon.  This year has been too much.

I was talking to Albert about the bookmobile and I come to find out that I'm now part of the bookmobile team.  Mala asked me to attend a special training for the bookmobile on Friday.  Little did I know that meant I'm now part of the team.  Albert and I figured that even if we are not driving we may be asked to help out with outreach.  Yeah, "help."  We'll definitely end up driving at some point.  I knew this was coming, from a mile away.  Jacklyn is a good kid, but she herself has mentioned that she doesn't know if she can drive the bookmobile.  Time will tell what happens.

Gitmo asked me to change my schedule on Tuesdays, because he didn't have anyone to close.  So for the month of August I will be working from 1pm to 7pm on Tuesdays.  A one o'clock start means I can sleep in, but it also means I could go do something before work.  Like when I was working at Brand and I would go take pictures after work, and before dinner with TheGirl.  I looked at some museum's schedules to see if I could go before work.  The arboretum is open early on Tuesdays.  I have to check out other museum's schedules.

Saturday, August, 3, I modified the delivery route just so I could spend extra time with TheNewCute at Brand.  Now that she will be gone I will likely change the route a little.  I think I'll be talking to Grayce at Pacific Park more.  I know that things will never be the same again at work.  Someone new will be hired, but it won't be the same.  TheNewCute was special.  And not just because she is cute.  She's a great person.  Someone I wanted to know since I got to talking to her.  The distance will change things.  Everything changes.  I embrace change, because there is no use trying to fight it.  It's inevitable.

I really HATE it when my aunt wants to have a heart to heart with me.  I've told her many times that I don't tell her anything because I don't have confidence in her.  She came into my room again today wanting a heart to heart.  Her approach sure doesn't help her case for me confiding in her.  I don't trust her not to be judgmental.  Today she asked if any gays had contacted me.  Like what is she talking about?  She then went on to say that I should be careful because they are predators.  Huh?  She's falling for that old story?  I'm done with her.

I felt so alone today.  Not only did TheNewCute not respond to my last text asking if she wanted to go get dinner before she leaves California, but Ilsa hasn't responded to my messages because she's in Palm Springs.  Also, she's been talking to a guy, which means less time to respond to me.  I cope with issues by talking them out, but there's no one around to talk to today.  Oh well.

Sunday, August, 4, I got to talk to the girl in the striped yoga pants today.  I found out her name is Lisa.  When I look at her she actually reminds me of Talia a little.  She has a similar face.  She's French.  She works for Instacart, which is why she's always at the market.  She lives in Sylmar, apparently alone.  She told me that she makes about $66,000 a year, but she always feels like she's broke.  Amen to that.  She's trying to lose weight.  She has a bit of an accent.  I guess time will tell to see if I can ask her out.

I felt good after talking to Lisa, but I also felt alone again today.  I assume it's from not being able to vent my feelings about TheNewCute leaving. 

I texted TheNewCute on Friday if she wanted to hang out before she leaves California.  As I write this it's Sunday night and she hasn't responded.  Vagabundo reminds me that no response is a response.  I'm not one to press anyone.  If someone doesn't respond I'm not going to repeat myself.  Maybe it's for the best.  I'd probably get sauced and say something I shouldn't.

Monday, August, 5, Three weeks in a row that the Sunday crew leaves the signs out.  I mean come on.  If I say anything nothing is going to happen.  They'll remember to put them in a couple of times and then they'll forget again.  Who cares.

It really smells like urine by the emergency exit door on the northeast corner at Central.  People have used the outside of the library as a bathroom forever.  Ever since the pandemic it's become a more prevalent issue.  Today the smell was extra strong.  The parks crew have cut the plants in the past to prevent dummies from peeing all over the place, since it provides less cover.  I suppose I better say something to someone upstairs.  Nah.

The Brand library is closed today, but I usually take my lunch up there.  Today I couldn't help but linger by TheNewCute's desk.  I want to ask her to gift me her employee badge when I see her next time.

I got the news that I'll be driving the bookmobile tomorrow night.  Tony will take the bookmobile to Pacific Park tomorrow morning to prep the bookmobile for the National Night Out event there.  Then when the event is done I get to drive over there after my shift at Casa and drive the bookmobile back to Central.  Gitmo asked me to change my schedule last week in order to have me work until 7pm, because there is no coverage.  At that time I joked with him about how that little change would enable me to drive the bookmobile.  We laughed, but I knew it would happen.

Tuesday, August, 6, Not even a week into this month and it already feels long.  It's definitely due to the gut punch of TheNewCute moving back home.  But it's also things like what happened this morning with my internet. I woke up and my internet wasn't working.  The light on the router was red.  I restarted it, but it didn't work.  I went on the app and found that there was an outage in my area.  When it's something like this it doesn't take long for it to be resolved.  But, by the time I left for work at just past noon, I still wasn't online.  As I drove to work I noticed some AT&T trucks working on Haskell.  It looked like a tree feel on the phone lines.  I hope they're able to fix thing problem by today.

As I stated in a previous entry, Gitmo asked me to change my Tuesday schedule to have coverage at work.  At least for the month of August, but I suspect that it's from here to beyond.  We shall see.  I joked with him that this was done so I could hep out with the bookmobile.  He said he didn't know anything about the bookmobile schedule.  Actually, I know that these dopes don't know either, so I have to believe him that he doesn't know either.

Sure enough, after finishing up at Casa I drove over to Pacific Park and drove the bookmobile back to Central.  It was a little bumpy, but because the motor has no gears, it made for a smooth ride.  I don't mind driving the bookmobile.  Especially since I connected my phone to it.  Now I can play my music when I'm driving around.  Krishna called me while I was on the road.  It was good to be able to pick up from the touch screen.  Cool beans.

I got home around 8:30pm.  Vagabundo calls me on Tuesdays, so I talked to him while I ate my dinner.  I retired to the backyard, since the house was like a sauna.  A little after 9pm I get an alert on my phone saying we're having an earthquake.  It said somewhere in Kern county.  Vagabundo tells me he also got the alert, and I ask him if it shows a magnitude, because my app isn't opening.  Another reason I need a new phone, mine is slow.  He tells me 5.7, and that he's starting to feel it.  "It's a wave," he says.  I feel the wave about two seconds after he says that.  It is a wave.  I don't feel it much, but I see the chandelier in the house moving back and forth.  That's my seismograph.  My adrenaline starts pumping.  I then crashed from that adrenaline and I passed out after hanging up with my buddy.  He must think I'm weird, but I passed out for about twenty minutes after hanging up.  Long a weird day.

Wednesday, August, 7, I get an email a day from the Next Door website updating me on this happening in my neighborhood.  I got more information on the internet outage.  The person posting mentioned that they went up to the crews working and asked them the reason for the outage.  Turns out some thieves took about three hundred yards of copper wiring from the telephone poles.  That's more than halfway way down the street.  No wonder the update says that the internet won't be restored until Tuesday of next week.  That's some bullshit.  I have heard the news that is full of these copper wire thefts, but now I've been a direct victim of one of these crimes.  And the thing is, this makes my aunt and I vulnerable to crime, because all my security cameras are now offline.  We usually chat on Facetime, but we can't now.  At least my automated lights are still turning on and off on schedule. 

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from Kerri at Montrose asking Tony and me to move a room divider from Chevy Chase to Montrose.  It's been really busy on the delivery, so I wasn't able to do it.  Today I saw the damn thing in the hallway at Chevy and I was determined to take it with me.  I used some tape to keep it from unfolding.  It's not heavy, but it wants to open up like an accordion.  That makes it more difficult, but with the tape it was easy.  Well, when I got to Montrose Kerri tells me that she really doesn't know why Isis wanted that thing moved.  There was no reason.  THERE WAS NO REASON?  ARGH!  Why do these dummies ask me to move things around when they don't really need them to be moved around?  What a crock.

I was unloading the van today when I thought about that girl, Julia, that I wanted to ask out a few months ago.  I never run into her anymore.  Which is fine, since she didn't seem to have any interest in me.  She was cute.  I guess the algorithm saved me from making a fool out of myself.

TheGirl suggested that we might have dinner at the Dog Haus.  We hadn't been there in a long time, because they don't serve booze.  We don't really go to places that don't serve booze, because what is the fun in that?  TheGirl called them up and found out we could bring our own bottle.  Viola!  TheGirl picked something up from the market and we were off to the Dog Haus.  I did miss coming here.  I like their dogs, but I also like their burgers.  That's what I got, something called The Ringer.  Which is similar to the old Carl's Jr. Western bacon cheeseburger, but better than the current version.  Now that we can make this a regular thing I'm definitely going to like exploring the menu.  Not that it's extensive, but there are a few things I can choose from that are yummy.

Thursday, August, 8, Day three, and despite the fact that I can see that the wires are up on the telephone poles, I still don't have internet.  I figure there is a lot of behind the scenes work that has to be done in order to restore the internet to my house.  It does suck to not be able to know that my aunt is OK at home.  She may drive me nuts, but I don't want any harm to come to her.

I noticed that my paycheck was smaller than usual.  I mean, it's small as it is thanks to taxes.  Man, if I didn't have to pay taxes I would make a nice bit of change.  I checked and it turns out that I stupidly forgot to add the hours for the week of July 14th.  No wonder my check was about half the normal small amount.  I went online and submitted my hours, so my next paycheck will be artificially nice and fat.

I've been thinking of getting a new phone.  Mainly because my phone's battery dies so quickly.  This morning I got out of bed and took a shower.  I finished my shower and after that the battery was showing 64%.  What is that?  I haven't even been awake for more than an hour and my phone is only at 64%?  Yes, the phone is four years old.  I figure I can wait until just after they announce the new phones to buy one of the fancy flagship phones.  I want to have the use of those great camera on those models.

I noticed some construction guys outside the library.  When I went to investigate they were gone, but I noticed some dummy parked his box truck in the bike lane.  I mean come on.  Come on, dummy.

Vivian mentioned today that they are throwing a little going away party for TheNewCute next Thursday.  I almost don't want to go, because of a couple of reasons.  I don't like sharing TheNewCute.  Everyone will be going and wanting to spend time with her.  I'm selfish, I've had the privilege of having her undivided attention for so long that I don't like sharing her.  Also, I'm afraid that I'll break down and cry like a baby.  I've cried at work many times, but only twice in front of a coworker.  Once was with Herr, after TheGirl broke up with me.  I was in her office and I just broke down.  The other was when TheNewCute told me last year that her boyfriend broke up with her.  The cad.  It's his fault that she's leaving.  He just couldn't keep it together for her.  He couldn't commit to her.  Now she's leaving both of our lives - all of our lives.  Everyone at work has been asking me to convince her to not leave.  I agree, but I also want her to be happy.

Friday, August, 9, I wasn't given ANY details except to say that I was to report to the conference room for a training session at 8:30am.  I wasn't going to attend, but then I had a second thought that I should at least make an appearance.  Well, it was more than just an appearance at the end.  I was there most of the day.  I was able to find a little time to go to get the mail and fill up the gas tank in the morning.  During my lunch period I was able to make a run to Adams Square.  After the training I was able to go to Casa and Brand.  I didn't get much of a chance to talk to TheNewCute.

The training was pretty basic.  I knew most of the answers to the questions posed.  I know that Jacklyn was impressed with my knowledge.  She was the most worried about this whole thing, but I think she'll do well.  The instructor said that he was going to take us on the freeway.  She panicked about that, but when it came to it the instructor didn't have enough time to take all of us onto the freeway.  So that saved her from going, but I did go.  We got off quickly because of the traffic.

The instructor told me I passed.  He dinged me on supposedly going into a crosswalk before completely stopping, but I don't think he was correct.  It's OK, I passed, that's what counts.

I wanted to talk to TheNewCute, since we won't have many opportunities in the future.  Because of the training I couldn't have lunch with TheNewCute.  When I finally got to Brand there wasn't much wiggle room during my short visit to really talk much to TheNewCute.  She never replied to my text message about hanging out before she left California.  I guess it's not meant to be.

Saturday, August, 10, I got another update from AT&T saying that crews are working on the internet outage.  It's the exact same message I got yesterday.  I did see the crew up the street when I went to get my aunt and I some food.  I sure hope it doesn't take until Tuesday, like AT&T was saying in its previous messages.

AT&T said they would text me when my internet was working.  But I got curious after dinner and I turned the router on.  Sure enough, after a few minutes I was back online.  Funny how I never got that text.  I wonder if I will.  Oh well.  It really sucked not having internet.

The weather turned cool after sunset and I went out to my backyard.  I noticed there was a little bird sitting on one of the bird feeders.  I didn't want to disturb it, because it seemed like it was lost.  It was already dark, so I'm not sure how it would get to where it normally sleeps.  That is, if there is a regular place it sleeps.  I know nothing about birds' sleeping patterns.  All I know is that they go somewhere at night, because I never see them.  That's why this was unusual.  I didn't try to refill the feeders.  I feel bad for the birds looking for food tomorrow.  I'll put some seed in the feeders tomorrow.

Monday, August, 12, There are weather ladies on the morning news that look amazing to me.  Maria Q is always looking curvy and thin.  There is another weather lady on channel 4 that is looking great these days as well.  Is it me?  Am I just a horny bastard?  I mean, I am a horny bastard, but these ladies also look amazing.

Mondays I go up to Brand to have my lunch alone.  It's how it was before TheNewCute arrived, and it will be again once she is gone.  I have no choice but to get used to her not being around anymore.

I was on my way to the Brand library when I received an earthquake alert on my phone.  I didn't look immediately, because I was driving.  When I got to the stoplight I was able to read the alert.  By that time the quake had already happened.  Since I was in the van I didn't feel a thing.  When I arrived at Brand Stephanie said that it was a sharp jolt.  Vagabundo and others at Casa described it as if something heavy had been dropped on the floor.  While exercising, the firemen next door drop their weights, someone described it like that.

Tuesday, August, 13, Gitmo told me yesterday that someone at work had come down with Covid.  I'm not sure, but it was suggested that I get tested.  I brought home one of the tests we have for patrons.  I took the test this morning and it came out negative.

I often bring up things that come up on my photo feed.  Today I bring up Talia, again.  This photo is from 2016, which I can't believe is already eight years ago.  At the time Talia was flirty.  Sometimes she would send me sexy pictures on my phone.  I liked those times.  I wanted to sleep with her on a regular basis again.  But she's nuts.  Even today, I would still like to sleep with her, but she's even nuttier than she was eight years ago.  If she wasn't nuts perhaps we would still be together to this day.  Alas.

Since Dog Haus is now a dinner option, I figured I should get us some of the wine TheGirl likes - Fess Parker riesling.  For some reason this is a hard wine to find.  We usually buy it from the store Total Wine and more.  But for some reason the Glendale and Pasadena locations don't have it in stock.  Pasadena used to, because I used to buy it there.  But when I check online they say they don't have it.  Only the Northridge location has it.  Since I don't start work until 1pm this month on Tuesdays, I figured I could leave early and pick some up.  And that's what I did.

On my way to Total Wine in Northridge I stopped by my old favorite sub shop, Mick's.  I read online that the old building had been raised and that a new building was being built.  Sure enough, I drove by and saw the new building.  How sad.  I now wonder if Mick's was not given a lease extension due to the fact that the land owner wanted to build a new building.  Dang.

Grimace said to me today that I should tell TheNewCute how I feel about her.  That I love her.  I'm not sure what that will accomplish.  But, I have to point out that Grimace read me like a book.  I mentioned the other day in an entry that I took the news of her leaving so hard because I am in love with TheNewCute.  But, there's nothing I can do or say now.  I can't.  I won't.  There's no way TheNewCute would want to be with me.  Even if she was interested in pursuing a relationship with me, how would that work out?

I'm not loving having two shifts that end at 7pm.  The days drag.  But what can I do?  I agreed to this, which means it will be semi-permanent now.  Gitmo said this Tuesday change in schedule is supposed to only be for August.  But I know better.

Wednesday, August, 14, As the reality of TheNewCute's departure gets closer I'm not doing well.  I cry at the drop of a hat when I start thinking about her departure.  I know I'll be fine, eventually.  Right now I'm not doing well.

When I look at that picture of TheNewCute I think about that "knowing look."  There are times when people used to see a girl look at me sideways and they would say that the girl giving me that look liked me.  I mean, it would be nice if TheNewCute felt something for me that was beyond friendship.  Maybe that way she wouldn't leave.  But, if that were true she would have said something perhaps.  I don't know.

TheGirl thought we might go to Isabella's in Burbank for dinner.  But we were worried that it wasn't cool enough for Cheyenne to cope with.  Last time we went there we went in and instantly got hit by a wall of heat.  That's why we haven't gone back.  We figure we'll go back when the temperatures cool down.  Our plan B was the Smoke House.  Good times.

Thursday, August, 15, A girl from the city's sustainability office showed up at Casa to have a meeting with Gitmo about an upcoming event.  She is right cute.  This is not the first time I have run into her.  Last year she was at Adams Square with another cute girl from the same department.  Well, that other girl left the city a few months ago.  Nora will now be my eye candy.  Not to say Nora isn't cute, because she is.  Yet another unattainable girl.

After I come back from lunch there seems to be a midday slowdown.  As I write this it's 2:32 pm and there are five people in the library.  It's quiet, since all but one is on a computer.  And that one other person is reading.  I'm starting to get sleepy, and my mind is starting to wander.  I just had a thought that if Grimace picked up on my sadnesses regarding TheNewCute's departure, who else noticed?  I wonder how I'm going to take this once she is really gone?  I already start crying the moment I think of her leaving.  Am I going to be sadder than I am now?  I have definitely already felt denial, but not anger.  I've accepted it as a reality, and I guess I'm still experiencing depression.  I don't know if you can call it anger, but I was a little mad at her now ex-boyfriend for not keeping his end of the bargain.  If he had been a good man to her she wouldn't be leaving now.

I asked TheNewCute for one last lunch tomorrow.

Friday, August, 16, It's been weeks since the van has been washed.  Maybe even months.  I had a chance to wash it today, so I took it.  I turned around and the garage guy started to help me wash it.  I think I need to keep the van as clean as possible.  The poor thing looks neglected since it always has to sit outside.  The new bookmobile gets to be in the dock, but not the delivery van.

I texted TheNewCute yesterday to ask if we could have one last lunch together.  She said yes.  We didn't get an undivided lunch, because Maureen was making it all about herself.  She knew it was TheNewCute's last day and she had to keep asking questions and trying to insert herself into the conversation.  Later, when I was arriving at Central, Maureen called me to ask why I was so somber.  Duh lady, it's TheNewCute's last day.  She's my work bestie, of course I'm going to be sad.  How thick can you be.  She eventually did depart the kitchen, but TheNewCute and I didn't get alone time.  It's the nature of Brand that there are always people in and out of the kitchen.

After lunch I spent some time with TheNewCute on the desk.  It was getting late and I had to get going on the route.  She hugged me and I left.  As soon as I got into the delivery van I started to ball.  She almost caught me crying when I was taking out the delivery.  I was sorting stuff, so I took some time.  Just at the tail end of sorting things my mind wandered on to the thought of her leaving and I started to tear up.  I heard her voice and I quickly tried to gather myself, but I think she knew.  I left her a note that read like this.

Hey kid,

We have had a unique run, huh?

I've never had the privilege of working with someone spanning two jobs, seeing them nearly every day.  I thought of myself as a mentor to you, until you easily surpassed my knowledge.  Everyone that I speak to about you says that you are a special person.  I think that's why when we all heard you were leaving the library everyone wanted me to talk you out of it.

I wish I could talk you out of your decision, but I know that's selfish.  Like so many times in life, people make decisions based on what it means to them.  I wanted to plea with you to not go, but I couldn't find it in me to protest.  I couldn't find a good enough reason for you to say other than, "I don't want to experience the pain of missing you."  Oh sure, that's a good reason if your name isn't Selena.  I never want to tell anyone want to do, because who am I to dictate your life?

Do you remember what I wrote for you when you started working at Brand?  Yours is the Earth, and everything that's in it.

Don't be a stranger, Kid.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to know you have a lot of friends on the left coast.
I want you to know that we will miss you.
I want you to know that I will miss you.

Nothing last forever.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run.

I owe you a Coke.

EG

Ha, I just noticed two typos.  It was hard to check it, because I was crying so much when I wrote it.  She'll understand what I meant.

I stupidly left my keys at Brand when I was updating my bookmarks on the computer.  My old boss used to say that we don't make mistakes, but rather that things like this happen because in my mind I want a certain result.  In this case I didn't want to leave TheNewCute, so my mind went to leaving my keys there so I would have to come back.  And yes, that did happen, and I got to see her one last time.

The goodbye moment lingered though.  She was driving home and I was driving back to Central.  We both went down the same street, and I got to drive next to her, one last time.  And that brings me to a moment in a movie.

In the movie Tombstone there is a moment where the character of Josephine walks across the street, symbolizing her leaving Wyatt's life.  The character of Doc Holliday says, "And so she walked out of our lives forever."  Apropos in this case, because it's a wonder if I'll ever get to see TheNewCute again.  In the movie Wyatt and Josephine do get to see each other again.

I'm not taking TheNewCute's departure well.  I cry every time I think about her leaving, and now she has left.  Oh sure, she'll work one last shift on the 27th, but for all intent and purpose she is now gone.  I'll have to cope, somehow.

I often talk about my photo feed, because things from the past pop up and it's like "Oh look at that... that was a year ago," and such.  The above pictures are of TheBetter, the girl that worked at Pasadena Central library when I was still doing deliveries there.  She was so attractive.  I went on her social media and found a picture from a few weeks ago.  Why is it that I can like a girl like this and she won't even give me the time of day?  She would never look at me when I was delivering to Pasadena.  Was I that hideous?  I think I have a look sometimes that women pick up on.  Maybe I'm too eager to make eye contact.  I don't know.  Could I be a creep? 

Anyway, the reason why I went on her social media is because the pictures above showed up on my photo feed.  I loved her body the instant I saw her.  She was all curves.  She posted a picture a few weeks ago (see above).

Saturday, August, 17, After breakfast I retired to my room and worked on some stuff on the computer.  Around 2pm I took to bed with my iPad to check out some videos.  I knew I would pass out, and that was OK since I was feeling a little sleepy.  Sure enough I passed out and slept for about three hours, off and on.  I work up and it was already past 5pm.  I checked on my aunt to see if she wanted something to eat, because we usually eat around 4pm on the weekends.  But, she was in her room and not stirring, so I let her be.  We didn't get to having dinner until 7pm.  Which was fine by me, I wasn't that hungry.

Sunday, August, 18, My buddy Dane asked me a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to go see the new Deadpool movie.  No.  I felt bad, because I knew he wanted to see it, so I told him that I would go with him.  I wasn't looking forward to this, but I went because he's a good friend.  The movie itself was weird and confusing.  I can't say I hated it, but I also can't say that it was good.  There were a couple of good moments, but the movie just felt like a money grab.

A few years ago, back in late 2019, I started to have these nightmares that would wake me out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night.  I have never had much trouble getting to sleep at night.  Oh sure, everyone has those times when it's hard to fall asleep.  For me that's rare.  It was even more rare for me to wake up in the middle of the night if I didn't have a huge amount of water before bed.  In addition to waking up I would wake up with my heart racing.  Since I had a smart watch I could track the speed of my heart.  During these episodes my heart rate would easily be 120 beats per minute, and more.  The doctor gave me some pills.  I've used them ever since that time whenever I get an episode like this.  Sometimes I just lay down and the problem goes away by itself.  Today it wouldn't go away by itself.

While watching the movie I felt my heart was going a little fast.  Sure enough, my watch gives me a warning that my heart rate has exceeded 120 BPM for over ten minutes.  FUCK ME.  And my pills were in the car.  Fuck me double.  I tried relaxing in my chair, but my heart rate never dropped below 120 BPM for more than a minute or two.  I didn't feel ill, but I know that something like that shouldn't be happening for a long time.  My heartbeat didn't slow until after I took my pill.  But that was a long time, because I got the alert around half way through the movie.  I checked online, the movie is two hours long.  An hour after exiting the theater I seemed to be back to normal.

I left my buddy early and went to the market, because I still had errands to run.  While at the market I did see Lisa, but I didn't run into her.  I'm not sure what I should bring up as a topic.  Perhaps I could mention how there's a certain restaurant near the market that looks like it has really nice food.  And then I could slip an invite while I'm at it.  I don't know, I'm terrible at this.

Despite feeling better after taking my meds, I did have an uneasy feeling the rest of the day.  I can't exactly express what it was, except that I felt "something" was going to happen.  Vague, I know.  It made for an interesting evening, because I was anticipating something.  Only I don't know if I should call it bad or good.  For sure how this year has gone it would most likely been bad.  Somehow I survived.

Monday, August, 19, I had another restless night.  I wasn't sleepy when I initially went to bed, and I couldn't get comfortable.  I turned off the lights outside to give me a better chance at sleeping.  I also turned on something from my favorite radio show to have in the background.  It eventually worked and I passed out.

I didn't have anything to drink tonight, and my plan is to really curtail my drinking to two nights a week: Wednesdays and either Friday night or Saturday night.  I must say that jerking off last night didn't last as long as other days, because I didn't have whiskey dick.  Forty minutes and I was done.  I didn't miss not feeling drunk while jerking off.  I did miss not feeling drunk afterwards, but it's something I have to do for my overall health.

I went to do my regular graphics run, where I get the interdepartmental mail in the basement.  I turned the corner and there was Nora, coming out of the community room.  I got to talk to her a little.  It was nice that she remembered me.  Or that she at least played along with me as if she remembered me.

Just when I thought I was doing well coping with TheNewCute departure I end up balling my eyes out after looking through her goodbye scrapbook.  I was at Brand.  Last week I was given a scrapbook for people to say something about TheNewCute.  I was supposed to take it around the horn and have anyone that wanted to write it in it do so.  But when she took it back.  This afternoon I noticed it was on TheNewCute's desk.  What gives, I thought.  Then I started looking through it.  Bad idea.  About half of the pictures in the book were pictures I took of her.  I took a lot of pictures of her.

Looking at all the pictures I took took me back to those moments, and I started to cry like a baby.  I mean balling.  I composed myself as best as I could and write something above the picture of her on her last day at Casa Verdugo.  I thought I was sad that day.  I wrote something about how there would be no more storytimes.  Now there's no more anything.

I get my email daily and in my various inboxes I get email from GroupOn.  Boy, lately they have been hitting me up hard to buy generic Viagra.  Which would be dandy if I had a girlfriend to use it with.  Like that girl Lisa, I would love to have some and pound her for hours.  Alas, she's not my girl.  Hopefully I could make that happen, but for now there is no need for these emails.  It's just funny to me, because it seems like more than half of my emails are for Viagra.

The Algorithm knows what I like.  Today my feed included the above reel, story, bullshit artist thing, about the different kinds of coworkers one encounters on a job.  Hmm... now that I watch this for the umpteenth time I wonder which kind of coworker am I?  I don't think I'm any of these.  I'm the chatty Cathy.  Although, since I found out that TheNewCute was leaving I've been much quieter at work.

Tuesday, August, 20, I haven't had a drop of booze since Saturday night, but I did have another restless night last night.  I'm just not sleepy when I go to bed.  It's also really warm in my room.  I turn the A/C on and that helps eventually.  I hope this isn't my new sleep pattern, because when I wake up I still feel tired.  Maybe I should try going to bed a little earlier.  I think that might be a good idea.

The thing of it all is, I should really change a lot of things in my life right now.  TheNewCute's departure has triggered something inside of me to make a sea-change in my life habits.  For sure I'm going to have to redo the route (more on that later).  Her leaving has me wondering about a great many things.  And I can't forget Cheyenne.  I still worry about her.  I kiss her as much as I can when I visit her at TheGirl's.

For the month of August, I don't start work on Tuesdays until 1pm.  Which means either chilling at home until I have to leave for work, or I can run some errands.  Today I decided to go to IKEA for a few small things I needed.  While at the store TheNewCute texted me to say she got the job back home.  Like there was a doubt.  She told me that her old library director told her that if she ever came back that she had a job waiting for her.  Ain't that nice?  But, I get it.  TheNewCute is actually quite capable.  They should clone her and hire all her clones at that library.

A patron came in saying that they had a letter from a collection agency.  She's a regular that comes in about once a month.  She's cute.  Gitmo was helping her.  At one point she started to write something.  That's when I turned around and got a full view of her huge cleavage.  I couldn't linger, but man does she have a big chest.

Wednesday, August, 21, The construction guys told me that they are ahead of schedule on the project.  Today I walked up to Central to find a crew prepping for the window to be installed.  They took the window on the second floor out in order to be able to throw away trash into an awaiting garbage bin.  Now that they are almost done the window is being replaced.  I still think they should have raised the building and built a new building in its place.

Brand feels very different without TheNewCute.  On days she was off I knew that I wouldn't be able to have lunch with her, or even run into her.  Now that she's gone it's the same thing.  I will never just run into her at Brand.  There is zero chance.  She's gone.

It's like she's the new ghost of the library... for me at least.  This fucking sucks.  There is no movie ending with TheNewCute going back home.  Well, unless you count those movies where the character leaves and never comes back.  Never to even be mentioned again.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday night, but for Wednesday night dinner it was a must.  I do like how I have felt the last few days without drinking.  Once I got to TheGirl's place I went to the bathroom to change out of my slave clothes into comfy dinner clothes.  As is my tradition on Wednesday nights.  I was feeling really good, really soon.  Oh drinking, how I missed you.  Actually, I know that I don't need to drink every day.  It was nice not having a drink every night.  I woke up feeling better each day.

TheGirl and I are always looking for a good place we can go with Cheyenne.  Because of the heat the list is limited to a few restaurants.  I don't mind, because it's for Cheyenne.  We ended up at Don Cuco's in Toluca Lake.  I gave her a bunch of carne asada from my sopes.  We had our usual margarita and a half.  I did my pregame drinking, so I was I was feeling really nice at dinner.  I know we went for a walk after, but I can't remember what happened after that.  Which is always a sign of a good time.  Right?

Thursday, August, 22, Thursdays are my long day of the week.  I start at 9am and end at 7pm.  The addition of Tuesdays until 7pm have really made me tired.  Vivian asked if I was happy with the new schedule.  Truthfully I'm not.  She said that if I don't like it I might go back to the old schedule.  But, that would take someone getting hired, and that isn't happening any time soon.  Gitmo originally mentioned that this Tuesday change would be for the month of August.  When he said that I didn't think it would only be for a month, because the understaffing isn't going to magically be fixed at the start of September.  I hope to return to my old schedule sooner than later.

The scrapbook for TheNewCute is still going around.  Vivian suggested the Casa crew take a group picture to then print out and place in the scrapbook.  Mission accomplished.  I think taking pictures and sending them to TheNewCute will be a regular thing.  If I can help it.

Friday, August, 23, I got into work and checked on the bins and I immediately saw that nearly all the Brand CDs had rubber bands on them.  I went to work on taking off the rubber bands from the CDs.  I think this is the most rubber bands I've had to take off the CDs and books.  Just me trying to keep the peace.

Just over a year ago, I changed the route in order to spend more time at Brand with TheNewCute.  She's gone now.  Today the route went fast because I didn't have that motivator to slow the route down.  It was barely 11am and I was already at Grandview, with half the route done.

I didn't know that the last picnic I had with TheNewCute would be the last picnic we would have together.

Another example of the route changing is that it was 2:20 pm when I arrived at Montrose.  There were times when I was still at Brand at 2:30 pm.  Which makes sense that I would often arrive back at Central just before 4pm.  Going forward I know I'll be arriving at Central much earlier.  I want to use some of that extra time to work on my projects.  Time will tell.

Just when I thought I was cried out about TheNewCute leaving I looked through her scrapbook and boom, I'm crying like a baby.  This sucks.

I sorta ran into Julia today.  I was coming out of the employee door at Central and I saw her on the walkway.  I gave her a wave and continued with my work.  Her body looked really good, and that almost motivated me to want to talk to her again.  But see, there I go again making the same mistakes from the past.

Last night I was thinking of what I might want to have to eat this weekend.  I felt a craving for pizza.  Numero Uno pizza, to be specific.  I checked on the one in Tarzana only to find out that that location has closed.  Womp, womp.  They had issues since they opened.  I suppose I can go to the Numero Uno in North Hollywood.

Update: It would seem that this location isn't closed, but rather they cut their hours to only evenings.  That makes sense, I think.  I'll have to go there and check in person.

Saturday, August, 24, I decided to only drink a couple of times a week.  For sure on Wednesdays when I go out to dinner with TheGirl.  But I also decided that Friday night is good for drinking as well.  But, instead of drinking while I jerked off, I jerked off first then had my drinks.  I ended up staying up later than normal, but it was OK.  I didn't have work this morning.  It was a win/win since I jerked off for an hour.  But boy, it was hard to last that long last night, because fifteen minutes into jerking off I was already feeling like I was going to cum.

I had a notion to get pizza for supper tonight, but when I got up from my nap I didn't want to drive all the way out to North Hollywood.  Perhaps next week.  Today I just went to Mendocino farms.  I ordered this chicken al pastor sandwich that was amazing.  It's for a limited time, so I don't know if I'll have it any time soon.  It's one of the best sandwiches I've had there, and one of the best I've had period.  Nice!

I sent Laurel a voice message today.  In it I mentioned TheNewCute leaving.  Laurel pointed out that it was the third time I've mentioned TheNewCute leaving.  It's a big event to me, but I need to shut up about it.  People are going to catch on quick that I may have some feelings for her.  I keep forgetting that Laurel picks up on things like this all the time.  I've been quiet at work lately.  I think I need to just be quiet with everyone.  I need to stop sharing things with people.

Sunday, August, 25, I had to get a new hummingbird feeder, because the last one fell and broke.  It's still kinda usable, but it's also a hassle, so I got a new one.  This one looks nice, but it is all glass.  I understand why these things are better as glass than plastic, but I worry about it.  Cross your fingers it doesn't break.

I will often write notes when I am drinking, leaving them for myself the next morning.  Drinking causes thoughts to come out, but I end up writing them down instead of putting them on my computer or my phone.  Last night I wrote "Silent September," and "Don't Engage."  Sound advice.  I should really try to follow that.  Lately I've been quieter at work.  I put my earbuds in and listen to my audiobook, or my radio show.  Since the show is on hiatus for the summer, I've been listening to audiobooks.  Or even music.  I just keep to myself as much as possible.  I need to remind myself of these things.  I put a reminder on my phone so that every morning at 7:55am I will be reminded of these two things.

For my lunch in the coming week I made some sausage and peppers, along with some pasta sauce.  Oh, with a side of potato salad.  I was curious about how much I'm paying per lunch meal.  The breakdown goes like this.  Bread rolls were $5 for a dozen.  One small bell pepper was $1.50.  Italian sausage was $8 for four sausages.  I had the rest of the ingredients at home, which was onions and the potato salad.  Total, just under $3 per meal.  Not bad.  Let's say with the Arnold Palmer and the chips I'll also have that each meal was about $5.  Still not bad.

Monday, August, 26, I had another restless night last night.  It's cooler at night, but not cool enough for me to be comfortable.  I had to turn on my A/C in order to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.  The good thing is I'm waking up OK in the morning.  Although, I am still occasionally waking up at 4am.  That sucks, because then I hope not to oversleep.  I'm not getting to work late, but I am getting to work just at 8am.  With me walking from the car to the door it was 8:05am when I walked in the door.  So I was technically late, but my new supervisor didn't say anything.  I don't want to make this a habit.  So I went ahead and moved my alarms to five minutes before, to give me that cushion to get to work on time.

As for the picture above, it's my breakfast.  Eggo waffles and some fruit.  Eggo are OK, but I doctor them up with some yummy butter and maple syrup.  They really hit the spot.

TheNewCute hasn't texted me back since Friday.  I'm not sure what gives.  I texted her "happy" whatever day it was to her.  Like on Saturday I texted "Happy Saturday," but she never answered.  I texted her Sunday and of course today.  Nothing.  My buddy mentioned earlier this year that no response is a response.  I know she's going through a lot, but I see how she's just not going to respond in the future.  Oh well, I guess that is the response.  Laurel mentioned that the way I talked about TheNewCute in my voice message to her the other day that I sounded like TheNewCute was dead.  Perhaps this means that our friendship is dead.  I made her a priority in so many aspects of my life.  Certainly at work I bent over backwards to help her out.  She helped me out a lot as well.  But now I feel she's really going to be distant.  As witnessed by the lack of texts.  Even to say oh hey, it's Sunday already.  Something stupid like that.  Tomorrow is her last day at work.

I thought about dropping by Brand before going to work at Casa Verdugo.  However, I now have second thoughts about that.  Perhaps this is what's meant to be.  Goodbye forever.  I said that earlier this month.  I dreamt that we would chat on the phone every week, but now I can't even get a simple text.  Oh well.  Nothing I can do about it.  Time to move on.  This whole thing has been an exercise in moving on.  Yet another life lesson for the kid here.

I made sausage and peppers for lunch this week.  I didn't make the sausage, but I did cook up the onions and peppers.  So good.  Next week I want to make Reuben egg rolls.

Tuesday, August, 27, I was somewhat tempted to have some booze last night, as I was having trouble sleeping.  I figured a little booze might help me sleep.  But, I didn't do it, I didn't have a drink.  However, I did have a hard time getting to sleep.  Strangely enough, I'm all wound up at night and I can't just put my head down and sleep.  Also, when I was drinking every night I would dehydrate myself, which would cause me to have to nap the next day.  I can't say I haven't napped since, but my naps are now because of the heat rather than being kinda hungover.  Anyway, I finally just put something on from my favorite radio show and put a timer on it to turn off in about an hour.  I don't remember how long it took, but I was probably asleep within a half an hour at most.

I don't know how long it's been since I visited my grandmother's grave.  Too long, that's for sure.

I checked.  The last time I visited my Grandmother's grave was August 1st of last year.  I told my grandmother that I really should visit her more often.  I also need to bring my aunt sometime in the future.

What I also need to do is finally get the grave plaque for my godmother.  She's been without one since before the pandemic.  That's not fair.  I know I'm the only person that visits either of their graves.  I'm the only one that remembers.  That's my gift - to remember.  I don't remember everything, but I tend to remember people more than others seem to.  Who will visit my grave?  Probably just one person, if I'm lucky.  Not that I'll know it.  These visits are for the living.  I need to visit my grandmother more often to remember her, but to remember to stay the course.  Whatever that course may be.

I had some free time before work, so I decided to go to Travel Town.  This instead of visiting TheNewCute one last time at Brand.  I guess I'm still smarting from her not texting me back all weekend.  It does make her leaving a little more real if the last time was the last time.  A visit today would be anticlimactic.  The image of her car driving off was a fitting ending to this story.  Cinematic and poignant.  Worthy of the line spoken by Doc Holliday in the movie Tombstone.

I went to Travel Town today, after visiting my Grandmother's grave.  I want to get out more and even film those outings.  Enjoy life.  I asked the man at the Travel Town train ticket booth when the holiday train was running.  He told me the day after Thanksgiving.  That's right.  I may not be in town for Thanksgiving, but I'll be in town the following week.  Gotta remember to book some tickets.

Travel Town is one of my favorite spots in Los Angeles.  My buddy Joe and I used to go all the time in the late 90s, early 2000's.  The place hasn't changed much in that time, but in a way it has.  They did build a roof over part of Travel Town.  The old gift shop is now offices, and there is a new gift shop on the other side of the park.  I bought myself a new cap there.

I have this really ratty baseball cap that I wear.  It's falling apart.  It has sweat stains, and the bill has something in it that I think is the plastic that makes the bill stiff, sliding around in there.  So, I bought an engineer's cap.  I mistakenly thought it was called a conductor's hat, but those are black and more fancy.  I like it, and it's way better than my old baseball cap.

This was the day - the last day for TheNewCute at Brand... and in my life.  I initially wanted to visit her, but I knew she would have a lot of work to do.  I also just didn't want to prolong this whole thing.

I do love TheNewCute, but I have nothing to offer her.  I have nothing to offer any woman really.  This is why I can't ever tell her how I feel.  This is why I can't ever like another woman.  This is why I must become a Vulcan.

The janitor, Mauren, was fired today.  It's nuts that it's both her last day and TheNewCute's last day.  Who writes this thing?  The Algorithm sure has a sense of humor, but also of symmetry.  Maureen was accused of stealing things.  I know that it was said she ate some popsicles from Montrose two years ago, but that's a minor thing.  Sure, she should have asked, but she has a language barrier to deal with.  She doesn't speak a lick of English.  She was annoying to everyone.  They sympathized with her, but at the same time everyone just wanted a calm lunch.  But there she was in the kitchen all the time.  I ran out of there once or twice, trying to avoid talking to her.  I didn't want to listen to her phone conversations.  I'm sorry she was let go, but she was annoying.  Still, I rather they just relocate her.

Wednesday, August, 28, There were a lot of vehicles in front of the library this morning.  These people never know how to park.  There were three vehicles in front of the delivery van, none of which parked well.  It's a shake my head moment.

I didn't step into the back office at Brand, which belonged to TheNewCute, today.  I don't know why I didn't go back there, only that I know I didn't want to.  Yesterday was her last day.  I want to believe that maybe she would say that she had changed her mind, but no soap.

TheGirl and I have talked about having dinner at Gindi Thai for a while. Well, we finally got to go.  I can't say I was blown away by the food, but it was OK.  TheGirl mentioned that the service changed.  They used to have waiters, but now they have you order at what used to be reception. I told her that is the new way of doing things in order to keep costs down.  They had a drink that I saw when I was checking online for their menu.  It is called Not your father's Manhattan.  I ordered it, but it was just OK.  Nothing to write home about.  Kinda like the food.

After being gone for a few days the little bird that likes to sleep perched on the bird feeder was back tonight.  I don't know what is the bird's deal.  I don't know why it feels that this is the right spot to sleep.  I can't ask it, so I'll never know.

This was from a few days ago, but I'm just now getting to writing about it.  TheNewCute was on a library social media post.  She's always going to be a part of this library system.  Sigh.

Thursday, August, 29, I got home a little before 7:30pm.  I went to the backyard to move some of the solar lights, that I noticed were sideways.  While there I figured I should put seed in the bird feeders.  Good thing I did, because just a few minutes later I noticed the little bird was perched on the feeder.  I really wish I could somehow convey that I mean it no harm.  Alas.

Friday, August, 30, My coworker Tony and I share delivery duties.  It's been hot lately, so naturally we have the A/C running the entire day.  At the end of the day I reset everything in the van to neutral.  Meaning that I turn off the A/C fan.  But, Tony always leaves it on full blast, even after he said he disliked me doing the same thing.  That's why I started to set everything to neutral at the end of the day.  Too bad Tony doesn't do the same for me.

I don't like having to reestablish the bluetooth connection to my phone in the van every time I get back into the van.  It's clumsy, and I have to often switch between the bluetooth in the van and my earbuds.  So today I took an old phone that I had for my aunt and used that as my music source.  I then connected the phone to the library's hotspot and viola.  It worked pretty well today.  I can't listen to my audiobooks this way, unless I install that app.  We shall see.  Today this worked well.

At Brand I went to the back office sorting room, and saw that TheNewCute's jacket was still there.  I asked Misa about it thinking maybe she forgot it.  Misa said that TheNewCute left it for the ladies to use, because it gets cold in the library.  I asked if she left it because she couldn't fit it in with the rest of her things.  Perhaps.  I secretly wanted to keep a scarf that was also on her chair, but I didn't dare take it.  I just wanted something of hers to keep.  Oh well.

I texted her this morning, but no response.  I shouldn't feel like I'm being ignored, but I feel that she should have at least sent some response.  No one is THAT busy.  I know she has a lot on her mind though.  So I'll give her space.  Whatever happens happens.  If she contacts me, or she doesn't, that's the way it goes.

As I was driving down from Chevy Chase back to Central when I passed this one particular house that has some neat Halloween decorations in past years.  They already have decorations up.  This year I want to go out and check out the Halloween displays.  Especially in Toluca Lake.

On social media there was a post by the Bob's Big Boy in Downey in which they show a speeding idiot hit the statue outside their restaurant.  The impact didn't totally destroy the Big Boy statue, but it busted it up pretty good.  The restaurant is running a campaign to repair or replace it.

Saturday, August, 31, A few years ago I worked with a girl named Angela H at San Marino.  Her background was in the law, but she worked at the library as a library assistant.  Well, she didn't stay long, thanks to Covid.  She didn't come back after that, but I still follow her on social media.  I bring her up because she posted the above photo earlier this month.  She is easily one of the most attractive women I've worked with.  She would tell me that she was going to pee when I would relieve her on the reference desk.  It was both cute but hot that she would tell me this.  I don't get off watching women pee, but her mentioning it kinda made me curious.  She was sure pretty.

It's so nice knowing that I have an extra day off this weekend.  All weekends need to be three days long.  I need at least one day to recover from the week ahead.  But I also need a day to get ready for the coming week.  That means I still need a day just to relax and maybe have fun.  Three days.  I know if I ever got a constant three day weekend that I would be saying that I needed a four day weekend, and five and so on.

I hadn't been to Fatburger in a long time.  Perhaps a year or two.  I really should go there more often.  The one in Sherman Oaks was closed for remodeling last year.  That wasn't an excuse, since there's one on Sepulveda.  Still, I stayed away.  But, I think I'm back.  I got the original burger and it really hit the spot tonight.  The fat fries are still good, and the onion rings are the best I've had in fast food.  My aunt even said we should try to make onion rings in the air fryer.  Oh, perhaps tempura style.  I'll look into it.

TheNewCute finally texted me back (look above).  She confirmed that she made it home.  I just sent her a thumbs up emoji.