What a month.  Just because it was short doesn't mean it wasn't packed with events.  Onward with the update.

Mon Feb 1, First day of the month down, and it was a busy one.  My coworker wasn't able to come, so I covered for her on the reference desk.  The morning shift can be busy, and it was today.  There were times when it was quiet, but for the most part it was pretty steady.  I then had a late lunch and followed that up with a couple of hours of not doing much.  The patrons these days seem to all follow the same pattern of being total idiots.  I just want to shake them sometimes.  Shake some sense into them.  Nah, there's no sense in that.  Ha!

Tonight, while visiting with TheGirl, the show The Bachelor was on.  It's interesting to watch that show.  At one point one of the girls made it clear by her attitude that she didn't want to be there any more.  She pouted, and generally made it known.  The Bachelor guy tells her just before he sends her home something to the affect that they could never have anything between them.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, but of course it doesn't matter a this point.  TheDesire was two months late in A-bombing me about how there could never ever be anything between us.  THAT was made clear way before she mentioned it on Saturday.  Tonight's little thing on the show didn't hurt me, or make me feel bad.  All that is in the past now.  I really don't have any feelings towards TheDesire.  Her telling me that via text, and me not feeling anything, confirmed that I feel nothing for her now.

Tue Feb 2, Once again I had to go to my home away from home, the San Marino library, in order to not be home and have to deal with my aunt.  I ended up binge watching a show called "Superstore."  Which I like because it's a humorous look at the work place.  Ha, I sound like a commercial.  Still, that's better than staying at work and having to deal with my aunt's twenty questions.

Tonight one of the pages from the children's room was downstairs helping out a circulation.  Pretty soon Squire is leaving for school, and they don't have anyone else to work.  The page is cute, as you can see from the picture above.  She has a nice figure.  She's way young though.  Still, it's nice to have her around to look at now that I've decided to not give TheDesire the time of day.  We (TheDesire and I) didn't interact tonight, and that was my choice.

She went with what my buddy and I are calling the "Nuclear option" when she texted me her series of "I don't like you in that way" texts.  My initial response was to change nothing.  But now I think she needs to know that I really am not interested.  Certainly finding myself in a relationship would clue her in that I've moved on.  Who knows anymore.  All I know is that two months ago I was hit by the reality of the futility of pursuing her.  I think the following lines from Gatsby illustrate how I feel about it.

"If it wasn't for the mist we could see your home across the bay," said Gatsby.  "You always have a green light that burns all night at the end of your dock."

Daisy put her arm through his abruptly, but he seemed absorbed in what he had just said.  Possibly it had occurred to him that the colossal significance of that light had now vanished forever.  Compared to the great distance that had separated him from Daisy it had seemed very near to her, almost touching her.  It had seemed as close as a star to the moon.  Now it was again a green light on a dock.  His count of enchanted objects had diminished by one.

In my case she was enchanted to me.  Not an object, but an idea, a desire that I pursued.  I failed.  Oh well.

When I got home tonight I went about trying to jailbreak my original iPhone again.  At first it didn't work when I tried it the other night.  I actually took it out of the jailbreak by mistake.  But tonight I was able to re-jailbreak it and then put on the modified OS that looks and acts like iOS 7.  I'm not even sure what I'll do with this iPhone.  I usually repurpose these things, but this one is a bit of a collector's item for me.  While doing this I drank like a fish.  I was good and sloshed by the time I went to bed at 2am.  I just felt so good flying.

Wed Feb 3, I woke up with a tougher than usual hangover this morning.  I had a lot of booze last night.  Couple that with the fact that the side of my face where I was having that phantom pain a while back felt numb, and you have a tougher than usual hangover.  Even now as I write this paragraph on the reference desk at work, that side of my face feels a little numb.  Or something like a numb feeling.  This makes me wonder about the phantom pain.  It may point to it being tooth pain, not lockjaw.  As I suspected, from stress.  The numb feeling is subsiding right now, but I think this phantom pain has a change to come back.

My buddy and I were texting today while he's on the route.  He texts me, "Ghost Piney."  Piney being the old nickname we used for TheDesire.  I wrote back to him that I suspect that she has a guy in her life.  That is why she went with the "nuclear option" on me.  I'm whatever with this whole thing.  I've been dealing with the aftermath of that Secret Santa dinner since that night.  That was my nuclear moment, when everything came into focus and my diluted mind had to face the reality of the situation.  There was no doubting that moment.  As I've said since, her A-bombing me with those texts is like bombing a place already leveled.  Whatever.  I don't feel like dealing with her for a while.  She likes a guy, I'm sure.  He'll be a horrible person to her at some point in their relationship.  She told me herself, Armenian men cheat.  It's in their culture.  Just like Mexican men, I suppose.

Dinner with TheGirl was nice tonight.  She made me some Trader Joe's enchiladas, and a salad.  She forgot the wine at work, but she had some rum.  I didn't want to overdo it since I'm still dealing with the remnants of last night's drinking.  She mentioned that she thinks she's hanging out with TheHusband too much.  And that he still gets on her nerves.  There is a reason why she filed for divorce and constantly cheated on him.  She also said that he curses like a sailor.  I gave her the idea of a curse jar, where every time he curses he has to add money to it.  She liked the idea, and might bring it up to him.  After dinner I washed the dishes and she took her dog for a walk.  When they both got back it was my turn to play with Cheyenne.  We have nice wrestling matches.  She goes crazy over my hand.  It tuckers us both out.  As I write this I'm ready to just go to bed.  And I think I shall.  It's been a long day.

Thu Feb 4, The route today was pretty easy.  Not too many bins.  Only one little "special delivery" to do.  It was good times.  Or was it?  I still have this numb feeling on the right side of my face where I had that phantom pain last week.  Now, no pain, but just a general numbness from about where my jaw bone connects to my skull to about an inch above that point.  I would say that the numbness is in an area that is about the size of a fifty cent piece.  At least it doesn't hurt.  Still, I wonder when I'll finally be rid of this numbness.  It's certainly better than pain, but still.  I don't want either.

During lunch at Brand today I told Misa about the whole TheDesire situation.  No need to rehash it here, but suffice to say that I told her about Secret Santa, and TheDesire's horrible gift to me, and her texts to me saying she would never be with me.  It's fair to say that she felt for me.  She knows how much I liked TheDesire.  And she knows TheDesire enough to like her.  And perhaps by association Misa figured we would be good together.  But, now she knows the rest of the story.

I finished up the route and decided to get a burger at a Farmer Boy in the mall.  Bad move.  My buddy already told me he went to one and it was terrible.  I can confirm that.  It's tasteless.  I figured he was right, since he's always right in this sort of thing.  But I also wanted to try it out for myself.  Sure enough, I paid $11.11 for a burger that looked nice, but was tasteless.  The meat was bland, and devoid of any seasoning.  Even the 1000 island dressing on it was meh.  How do you fuck up something that has a base ingredient of mayonnaise?  I tell ya, that's some talent there.  It filled me up, but the burger did not satisfy me at all.

After dinner I went back to the car and sat there.  I set my alarm just in case I passed out and went to sleep.  Which, of course, I did.  It wasn't a long nap, but man did it feel like I slept for days.  I woke up barely a half hour after I think I passed out, but I felt like sleeping more.  I think that if I didn't have the alarm I could have slept until tomorrow.  Alas, I'm not so lucky as to have that as an option.  Even tomorrow, on my day off, I can't just sleep all day.  I have to escape the house in order to not deal with my aunt's questions.  I am a tired monkey, but she won't leave me in peace.

I returned to work after my deep nap and went to the desk.  Where of course TheDesire was working.  There's a patron that likes to engage all of us on the desk, and especially TheDesire.  He made some jokes, one about her ending up a librarian.  Whatever that means.  At the end of her our shifts on the desk I went to the back room and held the door open for her.  She smiled at me, and I think we reached a moment of civility.  Of course the Universe had to pile it on.  Oh, at dinner my total was $11.11.  It's significant because of the history she has with the number eleven because of her brother.  In the past that 11/11 would pop up and I would instantly think of TheDesire.  Of course I always thought it was some sort of "sign," which it wasn't.  I simply noticed it more because of her.  If she was interested in the number 1138 that would likely come up a lot, since I would be hypersensitive to it when I would encounter it.  My point, since I have deviated so far from it, is that one of my other coworkers came up to the upstairs desk to talk.  During that time he mentioned that he had overhead something about TheDesire either being engaged or about to be engaged.  I told him that she said that if she was ever to get married that she wouldn't share that information with anyone at the library.  A engagement would explain why she went with the nuclear option the other day.  But only partially.  In her texts she said we were not compatible, but that's not entirely true.  I'm sure I'm 100% wrong on this, but what if she did like me as more than just a friend?  Certainly not being able to culturally cross that line, which she mentions a lot in context to this, she could not give me a chance.  It would be kinda crazy, again fantasy thinking here, that she was interested in me, but that she is choosing some Armenian guy to fulfill some idea cultivated by her parents.  Oh well.  I'm sure all this isn't the way I see it.  If we take her at her word she was never interested in me.  I believe her since she's a straight shooter, and doesn't mince words.  Well, if it's true then I wish her luck.  She's going to need it.

Fri Feb 5, Once again I have a Friday off in which I have to pretend to go to work in order to avoid my aunt and her twenty questions game.  Little did I know she would be leaving an hour after I left.  Which means I could have just returned after she left for a doctor's appointment.  She told me the appointment was at 3pm, but she left the house at 10am.  I know this thanks to my cameras, which are repurposed iPhones that are running an app that allows them to record movement and send me a notice on my iPhone.  It didn't matter, by the time she left for her appointment I was already in San Marino.  I had some actual things to do.  I had to get re-certified for passport acceptance.  And I needed to fill out some paperwork for my Godmother.  Check on both.

Just as an aside, I have to bring up that lately I've been thinking about my own mortality.  Perhaps it has to do with this whole TheDesire thing.  There is less time to do certain things.  Like if I wanted to start a family, it's pretty much statistically too late for me to do so.  Also, what am I going to do about a career.  I think that ship has sailed.  Overall I just think about how we're here one minute and gone the next.  Case in point the woman pictured above.  News reports say that she fell down during a photo shoot.  She complained about neck pain.  That neck pain was serious.  Apparently the injury caused a blood clot that traveled to her brain.  She suffered a stroke and died.  She was 34.  Just like that.  Gone.  She was ten years my junior, and she's gone.  Just like my fellow classmate, now gone.  Every day events remind me that there are likely fewer days ahead than behind.  Certainly if I'm half way through my life then I've only half to go.  It may still be forty years, but that goes by fast.  The other night I had such a crazy nice nap, but then I had this feeling of doom, for lack of a better word.  Some day I won't exist, I thought to myself.  It's not something I can change, so I didn't go nuts thinking "Oh how can I cheat death."  No one does.  But I did think about how I can make the time I have left count.  I kinda wasted a lot of my youth.  I didn't do much for the first twenty-five to thirty years of my life.  I lived, went to school, had some experiences.  But it's really only been in the last ten years that I have really, REALLY lived.  This is why I have to get some things done.

After my short stay at work I decided I wanted to get some lunch at Disneyland.  The idea was to maybe eat a Monte Cristo, but the first reservation I could get was for 2:30pm.  That was way too late.  Not only would I be starving, but I would be pushing my curfew back to a point I didn't want to due to traffic.  I decided to get a yummy corn dog.  After which, I had popcorn.  I was still hungry after that, and I wanted to add to my list of Disney food in my belly by having a Dole whip.  The line was much too long.  I thought of getting ice cream, or perhaps a churro.  Maybe one of those Mickey head ice cream bars.  I didn't get anything beyond the popcorn though.  Which was fine.  I'm too fat as it is.

Before leaving I stopped by the store and bought a cap, and a new Mickey Mouse shirt for Chan.  I put it on hims when I got to the car and it fit like a glove.  I'm keeping his previous shit, a "Happy Camper" shirt I bought him on a trip to Big Sur with TheGirl.  It's a cute shirt, but it's also faded.  Chan deserves better than that.  I ended up not being able to get on any rides.  The wait times were too long for my blood.  Really I just wanted to get food and the shirt.  Since I accomplished that, I was happy.  I left the park, put the new shirt on Chan, and drove home.

On the way home I thought to use an app to direct me through some possible traffic.  The drive home is often a mess.  Well, today it was another mess.  The app told me to go on this twisted route that included going up the 710 to the 60 to the 5.  I thought the damn thing was wrong, so I went from the 710 to the 60 to the 101.  But then the 101 was packed, and I decided to go the route the app insisted I take.  By the time I decided this I was already in Echo park.  I took the app's advice and got off in Echo park and followed the directions to the 2 freeway.  I then transitioned to the 5 and finally to the 134 that eventually turns into the 101 and home.  The freeways were total clusterfucks.  It took me over an hour to get home.  Part of it is my fault.  I should have just followed the app's advice and not try to go on the 101 when it was saying to stay on the 5.  Live and learn, I guess.

When I arrived home my aunt hadn't arrived yet.  It was so peaceful.  I like my alone time.  It's so rare for me to have that alone time that when I have it I really enjoy it.

I read an article today that pointed out how men take break-ups harder than women.  Not because we have more feelings, but because of the multiple failed relationships that pile on and make us cynical.  These lines put a fine point to this,

"Since our parents married young, they didn't have to experience so many adult relationships not working out.  They may be unhappy or disappointed with who or what they chose, but they don't know what multiple losses feels like.  It does something to you.  It changes you.  It makes you a bit harder and more cynical.  In my opinion, this toll weighs heavier on men than it does on women.  Women don't hurt any less than men, but our hearts are generally more open.  We are naturally more vulnerable, so it's often easier for us to start over once we have healed.  Men, on the other hand, take these losses like deaths they never fully recover from."

Puts a fine point to it.  This is exactly how I feel.  I don't feel the need to give a woman 100% sooner than later.  Or better yet, not give 100% to the relationship... ever.  Why do such a thing when the relationship is going to end in X months?  Why commit to a life with someone if one day they will walk away?  I've experienced this in spades with TheGirl.  Three break-ups in our time together.  That is why I don't find it necessary to offer up a chance to return to a relationship with her now that she's single and lonely.  To go down that path again would be suicide.  Although, I know that I wouldn't commit 100% now.  And that's exactly what this article says.  This is why we can't commit.  Why we hold back to see how things play out.  This whole thing with TheDesire has made me even more cynical.  I don't want to be in a relationship now, I rather just have a fuck-buddy.  No commitment, because that way I won't be hurt.

Once again, since I'm hypersensitive to this, I notice something about life being short.  Today's advice comes from actor Liam Neeson.  He lost his wife to an skiing accident.  He doesn't say anything new, but does drill it home that we should focus on the important.  Amen, dude.  This year I'm stripping my life of the fat, the not so important things.  There are so many things that I focus on that don't mean shit.

Sat Feb 6, I don't like working on Saturdays, mainly because I end up working a lot of hours on the circulation desk.  Which means dealing with idiot patrons.  Today they were in rare form.  I should say that they are getting worse every day.  I'm not sure why people have to be such assholes.  Strangely, the family that owed the most money didn't blow up at me.  They were more surprised than anything.  Still, I don't know how many more idiot patrons I can handle before one day I just snap and tell them to go fuck themselves.

I hung out with Dane afterwards.  I was holding his stuff since Thursday.  He has to go back to the welfare office next month.  Which is fine.  I don't mind helping him out, since I don't really do much except hold his stuff.  I usually take Chan with me on Saturdays in order to have him "visit" with Dane.  But Dane always tries to poke Chan's eyes.  The thing is, I KNOW Chan is just a stuffed monkey.  But I treat him like a real thing.  Trying to poke his eyes makes me feel like Chan is really going to feel it.  OK, I know that's crazy, but since I'm Chan it's easy to see that I feel like MY eyes are being poked.  This transposition of feelings to a stuffed monkey is strange, but I think since I put so much of me into puppeteering Chan I tend to not want to see any harm come to my little monkey.  I know he's not alive, and is just a thing.  But he's an extension of me.  Dane did ask where Chan was.  I didn't really tell him that I didn't like the way Chan was being treated.  Mainly because I'm sure he would look at me sideways.  As is probably the normal reaction to this whole thing.

I wasn't formally invited to my former coworker's weeding today.  He did mention that he forgot to send me an invitation.  I'm OK with not going.  I don't really want to attend anyone's marriage.  I'm hoping most people that are getting married will just leave me out of the whole thing.  I would rather go to work.  Which is what I did.  I guess I could have said, "Hey buddy, if you're inviting me I can still ask work for the day off."  But nah, I'm good.  I hate weddings.

I know that I won't likely be married in my life.  I'll just a bachelor for my entire life.  I'm good with that.  I'm making certain choices these days that will likely assure that I'll never marry.  I'm happy for Edwardo and Carolina (pictured above).  They have been going out for so long that it's time they just made it official.  Last year Edwardo went through some hard times.  I'm happy to see that he's worked through those things and is now married.  I think it will be a good thing for him.  It is a declaration of his life from this moment on.  He's a good person, and if I didn't hate wedding so much I would have liked to have gone.

I was thinking about how I'll never have to do any of those things that husbands do in life.  I've been forced, in a way, to make this choice.  I'm simply not equipped to go out there and find myself a woman to be with.  the relationships I've had have happened because the woman was interested in me.  To the point they finally made the first move.  I don't make the first move.  That's just who I am.

One of the library's regular patrons came in today and talked to me about TheDesire.  He was in on Thursday night razzing TheDesire.  He tells me today that he thinks, "Nothing will ever be good enough," for TheDesire.  He does put a fine point to one of the issues I had trying to win her over.  I don't care about having a ton of money.  I really just want to have enough to pay my bills and feed myself.  Which I know is something TheDesire can't wrap her mind around.  I get it, making a lot of bucks is good.  If I was making more money I would pay off my bills and travel more.  This past year I made more than I ever had.  Still, I don't make that much.  Not enough for TheDesire's lifestyle, that's for sure.  Won't have to worry about that now.

Sun Feb 7, Not a lot to report today.  The library was pretty busy for a Super Bowl Sunday.  In years past Super Bowl Sunday meant a near empty library.  Guess those who don't watch the game like coming to the library.  It was busy.

I bolted home in order to watch the second half of the game.  I can't record it, since my external hard drive was where the video for the DVR function on the computer resides.  I knew from past experience that I would make it home by the end of half time.  I bought something to eat and sure enough, I was just in time for the second half.  The streets in my neighborhood were lined with cars.  The picture above isn't a good example.  Guess a lot of my neighbors had parties.

Mon Feb 8, I went over to TheGirl's and played with her dog.  We watched the Bachelor, which was REALLY interesting tonight.  Must be nice to have the problem of having too many women to choose from.  I have the complete opposite problem.

Tue Feb 9, I started the route later than usual today.  Mainly because of all the socializing I was doing.  Shay came by this morning to get some special training to do storytime in the children's room.  It very much looks like she's being groomed for a position upstairs.  They want her to have more experience, because she's lacking in that area.  The only reason why they would care to give her that experience is that they plan on moving her up the ranks.  There are two librarian positions open right now.  I can't imagine that Snow isn't grooming her to get that spot.  Time will tell.  However, even Shay feels that they are fattening her resume up for a move.  Not to talk ill of Shay, but she has gained quite a few pounds since last year.  I mean quite a few.  It's rounder, and her face and boobs have followed that trend.  Again, no judgements.  If anything her boobs are awesomely big.  TheGirl thinks that Shay is interested in me.  I don't see it.  But I hate to say that since she planted that thought in my head I've wondered if there's room to make a pass at her.  It would be horrible of me on a couple of different levels.  One, my buddy.  I know he says he doesn't care, but if I made a pass at Shay and we started dating he would wonder what kind of friend I was.  I would wonder too.  Can't I find another women to date?  Why does it have to be in that small circle of coworkers?  I know the guy rules, and that would be breaking a guy rule.  Also, the talk around the library would blow up.  I would be looked on as an even bigger cad.  Not that I even are, because who are these idiots I work with anyway?  Nobody important in my life.  Still, it's best not to look bad, or do things that can make you look bad, in that work environment.  Aside from all that, I'm not interested in Shay in that way.  Not simply because my buddy was interested in her, but also in that I don't think we have anything in common.  This was going to be a struggle for my buddy if he ever dated her... finding a common ground.  Imagine me, easily fifteen years her senior finding something in common.  I guess if we found that we both liked sleeping with the other person that would be one thing.  Hardly anything to base a relationship on though.

We come to TheDesire encounters.  First thing, off the bat, she's prancing around circulation.  Then Shay, Emma, and TheDesire were all blocking my way to the front door.  TheDesire and I exchanged smiles.  On one of my many trips she pretended like I hit her with the cart.  Good times.  I'm glad we're civil.  There's no real reason why we shouldn't be towards each other.  It would have been nice though.  Oh well, water under the bridge.  I'm glad I really am not interested in her any more.  Not going to lie, I am still physically attracted to her.  Her body looks really nice lately.  Thin.  Yeah, but what's the use of going down that road?

I went to L&L for dinner.  I usually have a second meal with me on route days.  But tonight I one, didn't want to eat same old thing.  And two, I wasn't sure what the situation was with the microwave at circulation.  The back area in circ. has been cleaned out because there's going to be construction going on back there.  Not sure when the construction is going to start, because all I've been told is soon.  I didn't want to show up with my food and have no where to warm it up.  I do see now that they did move the microwave to another spot.  But, too late for tonight.  As I was saying, I went to L&L and had what used to be my favorite.  These days it's bland.  But, it filled me up, and that's what I needed.  Not so much substance, but sustenance.  I returned to my car with over two hours before my shift started.  I took a nearly two hour nap.  Which might explain why I wasn't sleepy later on in the night.  Oh that nap was wonderful, but I wish I could have just kept on sleeping until tomorrow.

When I returned to the grind it was all upstairs stuff.  Thankfully it was quiet tonight.  Herr did call me up to ask if I could work extra hours on Tuesday.  Last week she mentioned she wanted to give me more hours this coming week.  I'm good with that.  Especially on Tuesdays, which are like a black hole every other week.  The days I don't drive I still have to get out of the house to avoid my aunt.  This usually means finding something to do to kill my time.  It always makes me feel like I'm wasting an entire day.  These days are precious.  I can't just waste them like this.

Wed Feb 10, I didn't get much work today in the morning part of my shift.  I mostly just talked to my pseudo supervisor.  Who will go on tangents about stuff.  Hey, I don't mind.  I'm getting paid for this.  I even had time to fool around a little with my original iPhone.  I took some pictures of Chan (one shown above).  The picture came out pretty good, I have to say.  I do have an idea for an project involving the pictures taken with this old iPhone.  But, I have to figure out how to get the photos off the phone in a more efficient way.  For now I have to email them to myself.  I have a cloud service app on the phone, but it crashes every time I open the app.  The price you pay for modifying a seven year old iPhone to work today.  At least it does work.  The idea for the project is to showcase the old camera.  It had its charm, to say the least.  And is a part of history, since so much of how we now take pictures every other second comes from those first phones, and the availability of a camera.  Basically it was always with you.  Years ago, before the iPhone came out, I carried a camera along with me wherever I went.  It was how I took so many photos.  Today I still carry a multiple cameras with me, but the go to camera is my iPhone.  When I go on my trips I do always have a point and shoot with me, but I find that I don't use it as often.  Also, my old ELPH is showing its age.  The photos have this white hue around them now.  Not good.  Still, there's a charm to these quirky cameras.

I started working at San Marino in January 2008.  Back then there was a different library director.  She hired me.  Very soon after she passed away.  I never worked with her except opening day, when she thanked me to being there.  I thanked her for hiring me.  And here we are today.  I looked in my mailbox and found a card I knew was there from here.  I've kept it in there as a memento.  But I don't think I've ever really read it.  If I did, I don't honestly remember doing so.  Today I read it.  You can read what it says above.  The part I want to focus on isn't the part where she thanks me for working Sundays.  Something I've yet to escape, mind you. It's the other side that I want to focus on in this entry.  "Enjoy life," she signed it.  This woman was dying of cancer, and she knew it.  On opening day she was gaunt.  The cancer had obviously ravaged her body.  I didn't know she was on her final days, but I'm sure she knew.  It couldn't have been easy to get everything ready for opening day at her new library.  She fought for this new building.  And here it was a reality, but she was only to see it at the very end, and then never again.  I thank her for giving me this job.  It's been a great ride.  I'd like to stay here for a long time, despite the fact that staying here isn't economically viable.  Still, the people she hired are good people.  I've never had any drama here.  I've heard she wasn't easy to get along with, but she did know how to pick the right people.  The newer bunch of people are nice, but they don't always get it like we did.  I'm trying to enjoy life.  Once again I get a reminder that life is short.  It seems to be the theme for this month.

My buddy was texting me saying that he thinking with a certainty that TreasuryGirl is unattached.  He says that she's spoken about an ex-boyfriend, not current boyfriend.  Ah huh.  I told him that we have to make our move.  She's too nice to pass up.  It would be interesting to ask her out, for sure.  She's stunning, I mean stunning.  But from our interactions my buddy and I agree that she's no dope.  We may find out she is a total dope, like all of us.  until then, I reserve judgement.

Driving to TheGirl's place after work is not easy.  It's pretty open until I reach where the 5 and the 134 meet.  Then it's a total clusterfuck.  I've used a new route that takes me off the freeway and on through Burbank to get me to her place faster.  It's worked, for the most part.  Even if it's just the illusion of me making it there faster, that's better than sitting in traffic.  However, tonight I wasn't just going to go to her place, I had to pick up dinner.  The joint isn't too far away from her place, but with the traffic on surrounding streets it can be a nightmare.  I was doing fine until I got on Moorpark, where it was a complete stand-still.  I mean it was stopped.  I hardly moved.  It fucking blew the advantage of time I won by going on surface streets.  Then when I finally got on Lankershim I nearly hit this dope that came out of nowhere.  Thankfully I didn't hit them, and I was able to get my food nice and fast.  It was nearly a disastrous night.

Dinner this week arrived fast.  I picked up some chicken and lule and TheGirl served up the wine.  Booze always makes me feel better.  I only wish I could start drinking earlier in the day.  I talked to TheGirl about my old iPhone.  I showed it to her and she commented about how small it was.  Compared to the new phones that old iPhone does seem tiny.  After dinner I played with TheGirl's puppy.  She even recorded us playing.  I should get that video from her, so I can post it here as well.  The dog and I play until we're both pooped.  It's a lot of fun.  Aside from that not much news.  TheGirl did tell me that she cancelled her planned bike ride along the 605 freeway this weekend due to the heat.  Instead she's going to go to Magic Mountain with her daughter.  Probably a better move, though both are outside.  Hmm.

Thu Feb 11, My special delivery for the week was my coworker Bundy to one of the branches.  They didn't know how to "Z out" the cash register.  Z-ing out the register is basically dropping money and making sure the money is balanced.  I don't know how to do it either, but that's because that's not one of my responsibilities.  I waited a little bit at the branch, but then was told that it would be a while.  I would have to come back later, in about an hour, to pick him up.  Why he couldn't just drive over there in the first place I don't know.  Why I had to play chauffeur I don't know.  More bullshit.  Sure enough, after city hall and my first stop Bundy says he's ready to be picked up.  Speaking of city hall, TreasuryGirl looked amazing today.  Because of the unseasonably warm weather, TreasuryGirl was wearing a open top.  I mean this thing showed everything.  There was a moment when she bent down slightly to write something down and I could see all the way down to her underboob.  What a magnificent sight.  She does have great looking, and big, boobs.  I mean they are mesmerizing.  She is such a pretty girl.  I told my buddy that one of us has to make a pass at her this year.  He told me that she has mentioned an ex-boyfriend, not current, to him a few times.  Hmm, that's interesting.  She doesn't say anything to me.  I'm so fat right now that I would have to lose some serious weight if I was to ask her out.  Then again, maybe it's not about that with her.  I should lose the fat for my own sake, not just her.

The rest of the route was pretty standard.  I passed out in the Brand kitchen.  I so need to find that couch they have downstairs and nap there.  My head was tilted back when I passed out asleep.  I'm a tired monkey.  I had to do my rest home delivery today.  There were signs up for Valentine's day, but they were just so sad.  That place looks like a rat's nest.  The dreary look reminded me of the Simpsons, and how the staff just puts up a couple of decorations to denote the holiday.  If anything the decorations really showcase just how sad that place really is, and looks.

I only had an hour dinner tonight.  TheDesire wasn't in the building, she was next door at some author event.  I had one hour upstairs, followed by forty-five minutes downstairs, and then two hours upstairs again.  In the hour I was downstairs on the circulation desk my coworker pointed out some flowers on Achee's desk.  But they weren't for Achee, they were for TheDesire (pictured above).  There were two arrangements, costing a pretty penny.  I couldn't help but look at the notes left with each of the arrangements.  I don't remember exactly what the guy wrote, but basically it said that he would rather not live a day than to live without her for a hundred years.  Something like that, I read it quickly and didn't have time to really soak the information in.  I don't remember what the second one said.  I probably blocked it.  My coworker joked asking me if I had given her the flowers.  I said no, and went on to say that I knew her better than to give her flowers at work.  She isn't one to like that sort of stuff.  My coworker agreed and speculated that he must be some new guy, and not someone she's been dating for long.  I suspect that he's been around longer than any of us think.  This reveal puts more light on the subject of her texts to me last week.  There's now some context as to why she would bring anything up.  The rumors that she's engaged seem pre-mature, but perhaps this guy is at that point now with her.  I wish her luck and happiness.  I made my peace with the entire thing a long time ago.  I'm sure she'll be very happy, or not.  Either way, it's not my problem.  There was a time I honestly thought I loved her.  Something beyond a platonic love, but not quite a romantic love.  I can't say I was in love with her.  I certainly can say I'm not in love with her now.  I thought the potential was there for us to have a great relationship that I hoped would lead to something more permanent.  As I've said so many times before, obviously it didn't work out that way.  She's not a happy person, in general.  She has demons that she deals with every day.  I know she still struggles to come to terms with her brother's passing.  She seemingly can't let go of that.  Perhaps her family is now hypersensitive with her, and has placed the burdens of a life lost on her shoulders.  What do I know?

Fri Feb 12, It's my day off today, but does that mean I can stay home and enjoy doing nothing?  Nope.  It means escaping the house and my aunt's nagging.  I figured that I would at least have some fun today and go on a little adventure.  It was hot today, so I wanted to just chill.  First stop was going to be to get a sandwich, but then I thought about how the compliment to a good sandwich was a good soda.  Hence me deciding to head over to Highland Park's Galco's market, where they have a bunch of sodas from around the country.  I picked up a few, including an old favorite that has come back, New York Seltzer water.  When I was in Carmel I picked up some root beer flavored sodas, but forgot to also get a black cherry, my favorite.  Not this time.  I bought my sodas and drove down to the Eastside market, just West of Chinatown.  Since I was there so early there was no line.  I like that.  I'm really tired of going somewhere and finding a ton of people.  People ruin everything I do, or try to do.  I ordered my sandwich, and some potato salad and went on my merry way.

I had two placed scoped out for my picnic.  One was a place in Griffith park, and another was just outside of downtown.  Since I was already so close to downtown I figured that I would go to that park instead of driving all the way out to Griffith park.  I think that if I wasn't already getting hungry that I would have picked Griffith.  Also, I figured that I wouldn't be out this way for a while.  I pointed my GPS to Vista Hermosa Natural Park, just off of 1st street, and west of downtown.  The park is not a small park.  It sits on the side of a small hill, and that gives it its unique qualities, such as a nice view of downtown.  I picked a spot close to the view where there was also a picnic table.  The sandwich hit the spot.  The heat did not.  I ate quickly, because I had plans on staying but moving to a shadier spot.  I finished and moved to another bench that looked to be more in the shade.  I was wrong, the shade was not really hitting the bench.  I sat there for a few minutes and decided I couldn't take the heat any longer.  It's a nice park, and a nice view.  Certainly if I could find a model I would like to return here for a photo shoot.

After my short picnic I decided to drive up to work.  I certainly didn't want to go home so early.  What with the kids and my aunt at home.  I didn't do much at work, just hung out and did some things on the computer.  I found a story about some offices that are for freelancers looking for a place to work other than Starbucks or the library.  They have to pay for access, but the thought came to me that there should be a place like that for those of us who can't be home.  If I had the money I would rent out a little room in Pasadena and live here on the weekends.  I could be closer to both jobs.  I could maybe jot down to Disneyland faster.  Alas, I don't have that kind of bread.  I have to keep coming to work to avoid a woman that makes my time at home unpleasant. 

Sat Feb 13, I had a thought that MAYBE I could stay home today and sleep.  That is until my aunt was a bitch again and forced me to "go to work."  I'm fucking sick of not being able to just enjoy my day off at home, because this woman always wants to ruin any time I'm there at home.  Is it any wonder I try to avoid her at all costs now.  Today my cousin's husband is doing us the favor of fixing the paneling on what we could call the breakfast nook area of the house.  It's really just a hallway of sorts where we used to have breakfast.  I haven't sat at that table much since my grandmother passed away.  She comes into my room as I was lying in bed and tells me that I should help him out to move some of the pieces out to the back patio.  I got out of bed, proceeded to put on my jeans, because I didn't want to do this with my fucking PJs on.  I head over to the closet to put my pants on and she's at my door staring at me to get going.  Ah, I can only put my pants on so fast.  I says my name in a way that means hurry up.  I fucking HATE when someone says hurry up.  I'm doing something as quickly as I can.  If I was still laying in bed then maybe she could tell me to hurry up.  But I'm in the middle of changing.  I'm not fucking Superman with super speed to fucking put my pants on faster than I'm already doing so.  Fuck!  When I get to the breakfast nook area my cousin's husband isn't even there.  All that hurrying by my aunt and he's not even there.  Fucking shit!  Little things like that get to me.  She isn't reasonable with her requests.  And that is why I rather pretend to go to work than stay home.

Sun Feb 14, I had an all day headache thanks to the fact that I drank too much last night.  I keep telling myself that I won't over do it.  And yet I do.  The previous time I drank I drank just the right amount to get me buzzed.  This time, more than that.  It's only now, that I'm going to bed, that I don't have this headache.  Terrible.

Mon Feb 15, I have this thing.  I don't want to call it a phobia, because it's not that.  I simply don't have the inertia these days to want to do anything.  Everything to me feels like a big hassle.  Like today for example.  My aunt went to visit my Godmother, and left me alone.  She didn't ask if I wanted something for breakfast, because she was nearly out the door by the time I woke up.  I was OK with that.  However, soon after I was hungry.  There was nothing in the house that I wanted to eat, so I thought about where I could go.  Several places came to mind, but I settled upon a place I've been wanting to go for a time now.  Bill's burgers on Oxnard in Van Nuys.  My buddy has gone there and said it was a damn good burger.  Even as I was getting my pants on part of me didn't even want to head out.  I just wanted to do nothing.  And this is what I'm talking about.  Most times I just want to do nothing, and that's not right.  I currently want to get a room out in SLO or Santa Barbara in the coming weeks.  Come May I want to head out to one of those two towns.  Have a little fun on the weekend, and get out of town.  Not only is the money situation holding me back, but this thing I might call resting inertia.  I simply don't want to bother.  The money thing is secondary, since there's always a way to get some cash together for a trip.

I did force myself to get out of the house, and I'm glad.  Bill's burgers is this tiny shack with a few seats, and it has a great little burger.  Not the best I've had, but just a solid burger.  I hope to go back there again some day soon.  Perhaps my next day off.  Perhaps one of these Tuesdays that I don't start work until 7pm.  My alternative was a fish & chips joint on Ventura.  If Bill's was closed, I would have gone there.  Thankfully I didn't have to.  The rest of the day I just sat around watching TV.  I needed a day off.

Tue Feb 16, Once again I had to escape the house in order to not be nagged by my aunt.  MicroManager's top helper, the one that does all her work, is out on vacation this week.  Which means she needs help.  She asked me last week if I could start at 3pm today.  Since I don't go into work at San Marino, and I need the money, I agreed.  But first I would have to kill the morning.  I first went to a art supply store to buy some items so I can build myself a pinhole camera.  I really should have had one ready for my trip up to Big Sur this past November.  But, I was lazy back then and I didn't have the energy to make it.  I'm not even sure I'll be able to actually make myself get this thing done before any new trips.  Speaking of trips, I am considering getting out of town for Memorial day weekend.  But, of course the cost prevents me.  If only I could go with someone, to split the cost.  That isn't going to happen.

I continued killing the morning by running some more errands.  I needed a couple of things, along with lunch for later.  I went to the Honeybaked store to buy a sandwich.  I had heard it's good.  It's OK.  Nothing so spectacular.  Still, it filled my belly.  Which is what I needed.  I went ot San Marino to continue my photo backup project.  The internet there is super fast.  What it would take me a couple of hours doesn't take much more than half an hour.  I went there, like a regular patron, and then went to Glendale to sleep a little before my extra long shift.

It's a good thing I got some rest before working.  MicroManager scheduled me to work at the upstairs desk for the first hour.  After that she had me downstairs with her.  That really took its toll on me tonight.  Three hours standing up, followed by dinner, followed by two more hours on the circulation desk.  It wore me out.  And of course TheDesire had to be on the desk towards the end of the night.  And of course she brings up something about having to live under the ideals of others.  Which makes me automatically think that something is up with her new relationship.  I speculated that since the guy sent her flowers to her job that he 1) doesn't know her well enough to know she doesn't want her possible relationships becoming a topic amongst our stupid coworkers.  2) that he doesn't really know her well enough to simply send her flowers to her house, because of reason one.  His notes looked like a child wrote them.  I'm one to talk thought, I have terrible penmanship.  The sentiment is one I might feel for her if I was with her.  Actually, I would think I would come up with something much better to say.  Whatever, it's not my concern.  Still, she did want to talk about this.  Which is typical for a woman.  So many times in my life I've been placed into the "friend zone" only to have the girl that placed me there come and talk to me about the fella she's with and how terrible he is.  I've yet to have one of them talk to me about how wonderful the guy is.  Never.  They always talk about something negative.  Of course they still stay with them.  The Universe seems to take some pleasure in trying to beat me up about this.  But since I don't care for TheDesire in that way anymore this shit doesn't work.  Oh, if TheDesire told me she did like me, but that we could never be, that would be tragic.  Her not wanting me, and we can never be.  Not as tragic.

Wed Feb 17, I didn't get much work done today.  Mostly because pseudo supervisor likes to talk and goes on sometimes about some good ideas.  I like being able to talk to her, but at the same time I can't do my work because I'm talking to her.  It's constructive talk, but talk nonetheless.  She wants to get ready for this year's big fundraiser.  I like that she seems to be thinking ahead, and with some energy.  I hope to feed off that in the coming months.  The fundraiser is eight months away.  It will go fast.  I need to also think about a trip.  I want to just go up to Solvang or Santa Barbara for a day.  Technically not a single day.  I would go up on Friday, stay overnight and come back on Saturday.  The best time to do that would be in May, on Memorial day weekend.  Then the big trip during Thanksgiving is something else to consider.  I was thinking going back up to Monterey, but maybe combining it with a trip to San Jose and San Francisco.  Or maybe just San Francisco.  These are just thoughts right now.

There isn't much to report from my desk shift.  It was pretty quiet today.  As has become the norm on these Wednesdays.  I like it to be drama free.  I knew the drive home would not be so drama free, seeing as it rained today.  No one knows how to drive in the rain, it would seem.  I took a longer route, but because I was going against the prevailing traffic I was able to get to TheGirl's place before she did.  She, however, couldn't get out of the office to buy the stuff she gets from Trader Joe's during her lunch hour.  This is mainly due to the fact that some corporate big wigs were visiting the office.  She told me she would get me a lasagna from a place by her house.  She bought herself one too.  And some much needed wine.

During dinner she expressed her exasperation with her commute.  On her morning commute she has been able to shave some time by getting off at my exit and getting back on the 405 right by my house.  The line of cars making the merge on the freeway is a fucking mess.  She avoids all that and even though she goes farther she saves time.  However, the drive home doesn't have that time saving move.  Dealing with the dummies on the road and the rain really did it to her tonight.  She expressed how the drive home puts her in a bad mood.  She comes home and then has her dog that she misses.  The poor thing, according to her, is alone for ten hours a day.  Well yeah, because TheGirl has to work to feed her and herself.  I would rather be at home too.  Well, maybe not these days since I have a nagging aunt at home.  But the idea of not having to go to work is great.  It's not realistic, but great.  Her mood seemed to get better as she drank more wine.  The warm food hit the spot as well.

After dinner TheGirl's puppy and I had our usual "play date."  Since we didn't get to play on Monday, because of the holiday, Cheyenne was in rare form.  She REALLY wanted to play hard tonight.  By the end we were both pooped.  When I got home I didn't stay up too late.  I was tired.  Dinner and playtime made up for the terrible commute.  At least for me.  I can't speak for TheGirl.  She regretted not asking for more alimony.  She was saying that TheHusband had his boat repossessed.  Well yeah, who the fuck buys a boat?  Only millionaires probably have the kind of money it takes to own a boat.  I mean I would think.  Either way, he lost his.

Thu Feb 18, My days start out with a good bit of texting between my buddy and me, as well as TheGirl and me.  Those two are the first people I text in the morning.  Really they are the only two that I text every day, all day.  I usually send a picture of an Instagram girl to my buddy, and I wish TheGirl a good morrow.  On my way to work I texted my buddy about some of the things that happened on Tuesday, that I didn't get a chance to really say anything about yesterday.  This morning he sends me a text pertaining to TheDesire.  I started the thread by telling him that TheDesire was telling me Tuesday night that she hasn't read the book that was picked for the teen one book, one city summer reading event.  I knew this already.  TheDesire further told me that Dole picked the book.  Again, I already knew this, thanks to my buddy telling me that Dole told him.  As you can read he was telling me that TheDesire was staring into space while it rained yesterday.  That's just so messed up.  I know she's going through a lot.  I know she's pained in some way.  I know she has a lot on her mind.  Oh well.

The route today was all about special deliveries.  My first stop is where I saw Ru today.  Man, that girl's body is quite amazing.  Just a little vision.  So tiny, yet so curvy.  She's fucking hot.  The thing I loved most about TheDesire was her face, followed closely by her butt.  Ru.. Ru has a marvelous behind, and body.  She has a remarkable body.  I know I'm not the only one that sees it.  It's fucking obvious to anyone that looks at her.  One of my special deliveries today was to paper good for Adams.  When I arrived there the crew there didn't seem to keen on lugging the boxes down the stairs to the basement.  I was getting tired, so I just threw the boxes down the stairs and placed them correctly once I got them all down there.  This was not really my job.  I also had to take a broken microwave from Brand to the recoiling center.  Thankfully it was right in front of where I had to get the paper goods.

One of the "pleasures" of being in the "friend zone" is how the woman one is interested in will turn you into their confidant, and by that will open up about her problems.  It's always "fun" since this new found "friendship" will afford the guy, in this case me, with information about things such as her fella.  The guy she picked instead of you, in this came me.  TheDesire hasn't gone there yet, but tonight she turned that corner to make me the confidant.  She was telling me about something her former fiance said to her while she was having a conversation with a couple of the IT guys.  He's the head IT guy, and apparently he said something inappropriate to her the other day.  She didn't like it, and of course she has to vent to someone.  Me.  I'm moving from friend to confidant.  I can just shake my head, because women just don't get it.  The good thing is I don't feel those romantic feelings towards TheDesire, because now I can just see where this ride takes me.  I just know that she's going to open up more and more.  She's going to finally cross the line and tell me about the new fella in her life.  And the conversion will be complete.  When I get told about her fella then my emasculation will be complete in her eyes.  It's bullshit.  At one point in my life I wanted nothing more than to be with her.  Not just her friend, but her lover, husband (if it went that route).  Alas, it wasn't meant to be.  I can live with that.  I am living with that fact.  This friend zone shit is just dumb though.  Yet, I'm compelled to listen.  Not because I'm interested in her, but because I just want to see how deep this hole goes.  It should be a fun ride.

One last thing.  Above is a comic that my buddy sent me about being placed in a woman's friend zone.  2015 was about being that friend that she could turn to in her time of need.  THAT plan didn't work. It's because I was never on her radar.  She was certainly on my radar.  I melted in the presence of her physical beauty.  I'm such a dope.

Fri Feb 19, Once again I escape from home in order not to deal with my aunt on a Friday.  Today I had the added twist of going to pick up my external hard drive that died.  Well, not the one that died, the replacement where they placed all the files.  Before that I went to the 99 cent store, and then I went to the mall.  I picked up a few things from the 99 cent store.  The mall, not so much.  I walked around.  When I was younger I used to go to that mall quite a bit.  My Mom liked to go there.  There was a clerk that was pretty.  I wanted to ask her out, but I never did.  Story of my life.

After picking up the external drive I went to San Marino.  I wanted up upload the last of my photos to the cloud.  I also wanted to get some other things done on the work computer.  There was a point that I went outside of my little office in the back and I started to help my coworkers, who were swamped by patrons.  I think I might come out and help them next week as well.  It was good to be on the circulation desk.  Even though I didn't remember everything.  It has been two years since I was a clerk.  I chipped in as my coworker Holly was a wash in passport applications.  It was kinda fun, but also showcases that we don't have coverage at all times.  I don't know how we always seem to have these gaps in the schedule.  When I first started there was no way I could tell them I was going to start at say 2pm instead of 1pm.  They needed someone at 1pm, not 2.  But these days they just accept it when someone says that they can't be there at 1pm.  Oh well.  The messed up thing is that the upstairs people don't suffer, it's us grunts that do.  Always.

Back home, and while waiting for the new external to back-up all the stuff that's on the Mac Mini I started watching the Flash.  In an episode entitled "Welcome to Earth 2," the main character, Barry, gets to speak to his mother on the phone.  Not something out of the ordinary.  But in the story line his mother is dead.  But since he's on another Earth, in another dimension I assume, hence Earth 2, his mother is still alive on that Earth.  The moment struck me because.. quite frankly because I wondered what it would be like if I could do the same thing.  It's going on nineteen years since she passed.  Today something about the movie I took her to see just before she died having come out 19 years ago reminded me about how long it's been.  Really it wasn't just the movie reference though.  I never forget how long it's been.  I was twenty-six when she died.  In seven years she will be gone half my life.  It's not possible to say she would have lived this long even without the cancer.  But it's possible she could still be alive.  It just hurts to think it's been that long.  It just hurts because after all this time I still miss her.  And since I'm not going to magically be on some Earth 2 where she's alive I'll never have a moment like a character on a TV show did.

The good news is that new external is working.  Woo!

Sat Feb 20, There isn't much to report from work today.  No MicroManager means no drama.  it's just my luck that TheDesire works the same Saturdays that MicroManager does.  Why couldn't it have been the other way around?  The library is so quiet when MicroManager isn't here.  It's almost pleasurable to work when she's not around.

Dealing with the patrons is another thing.  I think each and everyone that comes into the library is getting dumber.  They are certainly getting more dense.  I don't even want to mention the stupid stuff they've been saying to me lately.  I'll just say that dealing with patrons is tiring me out.  If I never had to deal with a patron again it would be too soon.  The time on the desk is wearing on me.  Not having MicroManager behind me helped a little today.

After work I went with Dane to Del Taco for dinner.  I wanted to try something different for dinner.  It wasn't much of a success.  I spent much more than usual, $17 total, and the food was meh.  I won't soon be back.  Also, the people that work there seem to be more worn out by customers than I am.  The girl that took my order took a deep breath before taking the order of the guy behind me.  There were three homeless people in the restaurant.  All this sort of stuff weighs on you.  It certainly weighs on me.  I came home and hugged Chan.

Sun Feb 21, Work was nothing to write about.  My cousin's husband and his friend were working on the breakfast nook area today.  Work was busy, but not so much for asking questions.  It was mostly because a lot of people were in the building studying.  There were also a lot of check outs.  And then finally Opera Talk.  That's a lot.

After work I wanted to eat something nice.  I thought about driving out to Disneyland to get a patty melt, but decided I didn't want to drive all the way down there tonight.  I'm aiming to go on March 1st, because I don't have to start work until 7pm that day.  I figure that since the park opens at 10am that day I can drive down at my usual time when I pretend to go to work, make it down there close to 10am, have a little fun, eat some good food, and then drive up around 3 or 4pm and then get a quick nap in and go into work.  Will that happen?  Hopefully.

Anyway, in lieu of going to Disneyland tonight I ended up going to Bob's Big Boy in Toluca Lake and getting a patty melt.  The melt itself wasn't bad, but the service was bad.  My waitress didn't hear me say that I wanted chili-cheese fries with my order, and I ended up with cheese on my fries.  I was starving, so I ate the whole thing.  And it wasn't horrible, again a good reason why I ate the whole thing.  Oh well, I should learn my lesson and just go for what I want.  I wanted something from Disneyland to eat.  I considered making a reservation for dinner at the Carnation cafe so I could have a yummy patty melt there.  But, instead I was lazy and I got a patty melt at Bob's.  Again, it wasn't bad, but it would have been better at Disneyland.  Oh well.

Mon Feb 22, Work was quite busy today.  I had things to do, stuff pseudo supervisor wanted me to get done.  But as I was out by the desk I noticed that my coworkers were swamped by passport applications.  I decided to help them out on the desk.  I ended up helping them for nearly two hours.  Then I went and gave my other coworker her break.  Meanwhile, I was worried that pseudo supervisor would wonder where I was, since I wasn't in the office.  But, she didn't show up today.  I work best when she isn't around.

The rest of the shift was pretty uneventful.  I went back to my office after lunch and worked on a poster that pseudo supervisor wanted me to make.  I was sleepy at one point, and I nearly fell asleep at my desk.  I left a few minutes early to get some food before visiting with TheGirl.  We watched a really good episode of the Bachelor tonight.  During which I also played with Cheyenne.  All in all not a bad Monday.

I nearly forgot, when I woke up this morning I thought today was going to be a really lousy day.  I woke up feeling like I was going to get sick.  I had a funny cough, and then I felt kinda tired.  Turns out that's my default feeling these days.  No really, I thought I had caught my coworker's cold.  She was at work yesterday saying she was sick.  If it was that cold it's gone now.

Tue Feb 23, Woke up tired, went to the bathroom to take a shower and looked at myself in the mirror.  My belly is fucking huge.  This is the fattest I've ever been.  Something has to change.  I have to fucking get moving.  I bought those damn hiking pants so I could get moving.  Have I hiked once on a free Friday?  Nope.  At first I slept in my car.  Now I just go to my San Marino job to hide.  Not good.  Next Friday I have to hike.  This Friday I'm going to get a wheel alignment for the car.  But the following Friday I MUST get out there and get rid of some of this fat.  I'm way too fat.  This is the most I've ever weighed, and I don't like it.  I know for sure that some of the lethargy I feel most days stems from me carrying all this weight.  I used to be tired, of course, and these crazy hours I'm keeping don't help my situation.  However, the weight is contributing to my negative inertia.  So yeah, I have to get this weight off by hiking on Fridays, like I intended to do many months ago.

The route today was whatever.  Nothing really big to report on.  The video I was asked to be in will come out soon.  It's meant to promote that the library is still open.  Despite it looking like we're completely closed.  It just highlights the idiocy of management to not see ahead far enough to understand that we should have moved the contents of the library to another location.  They considered it a couple of months back, but by then it was too late and here we are now, pleading to the public that yes, we are still open.  Morons.

Last week I saw that they installed some piece of shit in the courtyard of the Brand library gallery.  I didn't get a chance to photograph it then, but I did today... and here it is above.  This thing is an atrocity.  There is ZERO artistic merit in this thing.  It is a "sculpture" of lies.  A want to pull the wool over our eyes, to tell us that the wolf isn't really a wolf, and this this thing isn't really trash.  It is a vomit, a wannabe artist's public masturbation.  It is a sad city's attempt to be cultured.  So the city promotes pseudo artists that create trash and call it art in a vain attempt to seem hip.  I fucking hate this shit.

TheDesire was working the desk with me tonight.  She was cozying up to me.  I mean coming right up to me as I was checking in books.  I was still doing my job, but of course MicroManager sees that TheDesire is talking to me and immediately tells me that I need to shelf the holds.  Ah, meanwhile Bundy was already doing that.  And he heard her say what she did to me and responded, "I'll finish them, it's OK."  But, MicroManager insisted I do it.  Before I left the desk TheDesire was telling me about her comebacks to the IT guy's comments to her.  I think she wants to show them that she isn't a pushover, which she isn't.  She was prancing tonight, that's for sure.  I mean almost like flirting with me, in a way.  Perhaps that's wishful thinking, I don't know.

Wed Feb 24, This morning I finally bit the bullet and booked myself a room in Solvang for Memorial weekend.  I should have done it last week, but this week is good enough.  I have no idea what I'll do up there, but at least I'm out of town.  That's the important thing.  I need to get away from the people in this city from time to time.  I do love Los Angeles, but I hate the people that live here.  Most fools just don't know how to be human any more.  I need to just get out of the house as well.  No way I'm going to go to my San Marino job on both of those days off. I'm heading out of town.  I'll figure out what to do before I go.  I figure I'll check out some of the museums, and get some good food, and then drink.  On the way back maybe hit Santa Barbara.  I still want to try and visit the botanical garden there.  If I get some food in Solvang, I could be in Santa Barbara in less than an hour.  Then I could do what I want in SB, and head home early enough to maybe avoid traffic.

Work was work today.  Again, nothing special.  I'm certainly in a rut, but in a way a good rut since nothing bad is happening.  Today a patron I've had nice encounters with came in.  She's fucking sexy, even though she's a little older.  She's probably my age, though.  Ha!  Anyway, she has such a nice body.  I've always been attracted to her.  She came in wearing a nice tight pair of black pants.  She came in to look for some books.  We chatted a little, I bought up the Westways photo contest.  She encouraged me to enter the contest.  I know I will ultimately enter it, but I'm not looking forward to entering it.  I don't have a chance of winning.  But, entry is free, and maybe I do have a photo that's OK enough to make the first cut.  I would very much like to sleep with this woman.  Alas, it's never going to happen.  She has shown zero indications that she's interested in me in that way.  No woman is interested in me in THAT way.

I got to the TheGirl's pretty quick tonight.  Traffic wasn't as bad as it usually is, for some reason.  We went to a place TheGirl likes, but I find to have bland food.  The margaritas hit the spot though.  We talked about songs and the meanings behind songs.  I was checking out some stuff earlier this week about that subject, and I was telling TheGirl about it.  After dinner we went back to her place.  She told me that today would have been her father's ninety-forth birthday.  She asked me to toast to his birthday, and handed me a glass of wine.  I've known TheGirl for nearly six years now.  It's been a very significant six years.  I realized on the way home that I have become colder.  I toasted TheGirl's father, but I didn't feel anything.  I didn't feel bad for her, or good that she deemed me special enough to have this drink with her.  I just didn't feel anything.  I've made myself feel less these days, because I get too wrapped up in this bullshit.  I do love TheGirl, and I was honored to toast with TheGirl, but I didn't feel anything.  And that's the difference.  And that's why I say that I know I've grown colder in the last couple of years.  Because I have, and because I don't give a damn about so many things.  Like this contest I will enter.  I know I'm not going to even come close to winning it.  I'm just not THAT good.  I'm not.  It's time I face it.  It doesn't even matter.  My photography is for me anyway.  Hence it not being important that someone else validate it.

Thu Feb 25, I don't have much to report about the route.  There were a lot of books today, many of them new books.  The weather wasn't so bad, but since I went to bed late last night I was feeling super tired today.  I hate when I'm driving and I feel like I could sleep all day long.  But, it serves me right for staying up late last night.

I went upstairs to start my four hours on the upstairs desk.  When I got there TheDesire came out from the back in order to work her shift on the reference desk.  She passed me like a breeze, but I notice that her hair was different.  Not shorter, but straightened, much like the picture above.  The picture above is from a social media posting by one of her friends, taken when both of them went up to Portland last year.  Or was it the year before?  I don't remember any more.  Hate to admit that it caught my eye.  She still catches my eye.  I still find her to be one of the most attractive woman I know.

And as I write the past sentence I think about how a few weeks ago I said that I wouldn't talk about TheDesire any more on this journal.  But here I am, once again talking about her.  Mentioning how beautiful I think she is.  It's just stupid of me.  I need to stop.  I need to not go down that road.  I think this is like an alcoholic falling off the wagon.  This is why I won't beat myself up too much.  However, I have to remember that Secret Santa gift.  I have to remember how she told me there could never be anything between us, in no uncertain terms.  I forget, and I slip into this state of mind where I think anything is possible.  Me winning her over has been a long campaign, and a total failure.

Fri Feb 26, A couple of months ago I took my car to get the oil changed.  That's when they told me that it needed a wheel alignment and new tires.  I went to get new tires right away, but I left the alignment for later.  Today was that later.  I want to do right by this car, so that it will last me a nice long time.  I don't intend on paying for a car for the rest of my life.  A couple of people have tried to tell me that it's better to lease a car.  But I don't want to have to perpetually pay for a car.  I would like to own it at some point, and not have to worry about a monthly bill.  Though, owning brings other problems, mostly mechanical.  Mostly having to pay for repairs to an ever aging car.  THIS is why I want to do the maintenance on the car now, so that it mitigates it later.  Also, it gets me out of the house.

As per usual on my day off I leave the house because I don't want to deal with my increasingly insulting aunt.  I've written about this many a time here on this journal, which means I don't have to repeat myself.  I don't like having to pretend to go to work.  I don't like having to actually drive all the way to work.  I don't like having to explain to my coworkers why I'm at work on my day off.  Fucking shit!  I can't even have one fucking day off in peace because of this woman.

After the dealer I drove to work.  I had my lunch in tow and I went into my office to get some things done, and to hide out.  Next week I HAVE to go hiking before I hide out at work.  It's just so stupid that I have to do this.  Still, I like my coworkers, and I do get to just relax in my little office.  If I didn't have that office I would not have a sanctuary.  I helped out a little on the circulation desk, then I printed out a poster for a coworker.  I also installed a wifi router in the basement.  This way I can still use my phone down there.  I set it up last week while I was hiding at work, but I didn't get a chance to hook it up downstairs until today.  I made it so that the wifi signal is hidden.  That way I'm the only one that can connect to it.  Around 4:20pm I started to make my way out of work.  I drove home, hitting some traffic along the way, of course.  Not that I minded, since I didn't want to be home too early.

Since traffic wasn't horrible I arrived at home around 5:30pm.  I usually check my cameras to see if my cousin and her kids are still at home, but I was tired and I just wanted to get something to drink and sit down.  Everyone was surprised, my aunt, my cousin, that I was at home so early.  I keep odd hours, and see very little of my family.  I don't mind really.  Right now I don't want to deal with people.  I'm tired of most of them.  Mostly my aunt.  I went inside, tired from the commute.  Not more than ten minutes after I arrived my aunt comes in and says to me, "You don't even say good-bye to people."  My cousin and her kids were over at our neighbors.  I could see that they were on their way out the neighbor's house and were going to go home when I arrived.  In the time I went inside, put my things down, and was getting ready to sit down they got into my cousin's car and left.  My aunt thought it rude of me to not say hi or bye to them.  But what dummy didn't know is that I had already waved hi to my cousin as she was coming out of my neighbor's house.  I was pretty sure that she wouldn't mind me not saying good-bye since she thought I was coming home after a long day at work.  I was tired, and she could see that, so the ruse worked in that sense.  What my aunt said to me really steamed me.  I wanted to just get back into my car and drive off to somewhere, I don't know where.  Probably to get some dinner somewhere, not home.  I fucking hate that my aunt has to comment to me about everything.  She has to make these remarks that just make me want to fucking hit a wall.  I may not have worked, but I'm still mentally tired from the week, from the commute, from everything.  Is my aunt sympathetic?  Nope.  She sees the hours I keep.  But she must think I'm just having a gay old time at work till 10pm at night, dealing with idiot patrons that try my patients.  I'm mentally exhausted, but that means nothing to my aunt.  I'm out having a fucking great time.  Fucking shit!

Sat Feb 27, There are times when favor does shine upon me, and today my schedule at work was favorable to me.  MicroManager put me upstairs for five out of eight hours today.  And thankfully upstairs was chill today.  Believe me, the upstairs desk can be a fucking battle on some days.  However, I think because the heat inside the library was worse than the weather outside, most people stayed away from the library.  Not to say we didn't have times when we were busy.  However, it was generally nicer outside.  I took my break outside today, and it was near perfect weather.  Also, the upstairs area was also cooler than circulation.  Again, the gods shone upon me.

I had many little encounters with TheDesire today.  Too many to list.  I will point out the highlights.  First off, she came in wearing something that looked like her PJs.  She also didn't fix up her hair.  It was simply in a "bun," for lack of a better word.  Still, she's pretty and can get away with that frumpy look.  Encounter one that I want to mention was while I was going up the stairs and she was coming down.  She asked me about something that happened the other day where she answered back some comment that she felt was a little low from her ex-fiance.  She basically asked me if she should feel guilty.  As I told my buddy, she is now going to turn me into her confidant.  Because that's what you do to a guy you don't want to fuck.  I'm riding this to it's conclusion, mainly because I think it's going to be interesting.  I do still want to kiss TheDesire.  She's beautiful and I want to experience that beauty.  The second encounter was later in the day.  We were upstairs chatting with some fellow coworkers and she insisted I come up with something cleaver to put on the reference white board.  The board is usually there to show if a person is in the building, and generally where they can be found.  Next to her name I wrote a couple of things like, "Chewing bubble gum."  But she thought I should be more cleaver.  I finally wrote, "Listening to the sounds of silence," because she said she was listening to that earlier.  These encounters confirm that I'm being turned into the confidant.  And girls never fuck the confidant.  We know too much about them.  I joked with my buddy that she will want my advice in outfits for her dates.  Terrible.

I was checking the video from the various cameras on my phone, like I do at the end of the day.  I usually delete most or all of the videos.  Today I had to take a screen cap of my aunt kissing her bible.  KISSING HER BIBLE!  I can't think or a more useless act.  Just another reason why my aunt and I can't connect these days.  She's too far into that bible.

Sun Feb 28, Work was work, but of course there were some challenges.  The event we had today was a guy that was going to show people how to tell a story.  Sure enough, my coworker T and I set up the community room one way, and he comes in late and then wants the entire set up redone.  What was the use of T and me setting up theater when he comes and makes one long table?  Whatever!  I always have to go up to the roof to reset the chiller.  For some reason no matter how many repairmen they say that they've fixed it.  But the next day the library feels like a sauna.  Just why?

I picked up my buddy in Glendale, where he was working, and the both of us drove down to an area just south of downtown.  We got there rather quickly.  Once there we found a spot to park easily and got in line to order some tacos.  The line didn't move quickly, but we didn't have to wait long.  I ordered six carne asada tacos with everything.  My buddy ordered five of the carne asada and two chorizo.  He offered me one of the chorizo, but I haven't had chorizo in over twenty years, because the last time I had it it didn't sit well.  My tacos were amazing.  They used what I think was mesquite wood to cook up the meat, which gave it an extra smoky flavor that is missing from meat cooked over a flame or on a grill.  These are the best tacos I've had since the ones that I had years ago on the streets of Tijuana.  I won't soon eat a taco THAT good, until I return to this place.  The six tacos were just the right amount.  Goldilocks.  I wasn't super full, but I was good.  Still, my buddy and I joked about getting dessert.  I took him at his word and drove to Pie 'n Burger in Pasadena.  I had the peanut butter pie.  It was the right compliment to the tacos I had earlier.

After pie we went back to my place for a little drinking and talking.  We talked about Shay and TheDesire.  I told him a little story about how TheGirl and I went to dinner with TheDesire many years ago.  I remember how TheDesire was cloistered on her side of the booth (as shown above).  She's cute, I can't deny that.  Oh well.

Mon Feb 29, My pseudo supervisor wanted me to go down to Disneyland tomorrow and exchange some tickets for the park.  But, it turns out that yesterday Disneyland implemented new tiered pricing, that is determined by what day of the year you decide to go to the park.  The price for one day can vary by $26 from the "peak" prices to "value." prices.  That's a big swing, and it looks like it's being done to deter people from going when the park is really busy, and incentivize them going on slower days.  Pseudo supervisor wanted me to go, but she said she would likely go herself, and she did yesterday.  Which saved me having to deal with the new price changes.  She was there for nearly an hour dealing with the employees.  She ended up getting the prize winners the regular priced tickets.  If they want to go on certain weekends they will have to pay the difference.  Wow.