May was a strange month, to say the last.  It's been like no other month in recent history.  While that can be good, in that it breaks the monotony of things, it can also be bad.  I can't say it was all bad, but it was certainly different.  On with the upDAY June.

Sun May 1, Krishna, TheGirl's former friend from work, asked me a while back to take some pregnancy photos for her.  I didn't think it would actually happen, but today it actually did.  We had plans to meet up at Brand park, but there was some kind of event going on there.  We quickly changed the location to a little park just above the 2 freeway called Mayor's Centennial park.  It's a park I've seen many times on the route while driving the freeway.  We didn't have time to take many pictures, what with me going to work and Krishna having a baby shower soon.  We took as many pictures as I could take in a short time.  I think a few of them are good.  Maybe not perfect, but I'm not used to this sort of photography.  I'm used to taking pictures of nature, and buildings, not people.  At the same time, what do I care?  Krishna is a coworker, and as I've stated here on this journal she has not been a good friend to TheGirl.  TheGirl would only know about her being pregnant if I told her.  Of course I did.  TheGirl unfriended her a long time ago.  Krishna hasn't mentioned that.  Probably because she hasn't even noticed it.  Some friend.  During the photo shoot I got to see how Krishna interacts with her husband.  Boy, that poor guy must love her, because she is such a bossy boots.  Not that it's a surprise, seeing how she acts at work.

I've mentioned a coworker I have a little bit of a crush on in the entries of this journal.  Well, today she covered for the children's librarian.  There was a point where she wanted to talk to me about some dopey patron sitting in the teen area, when he was clearly not a teen.  I was helping someone in the copy room.  When she came up I had my arms folded, and as she got close her boob lightly touched my arm.  It's such a teenager thing to have my brain immediately register that little brush at "OH my gawd, you touched her boob!"  No matter how old I get I'll still get a trill out of even the most innocent of boob encounters.  It's just so silly.  Of course I wish I could really grab them, see them and taste them.  I just really like this one coworker, can you tell?

Just as I was telling people that it was closing time I went back to the area by the fire doors to clear out that area.  There was a girl there, wearing jean shorts.  I turned around and I saw her, stared at her legs for a moment as she sat there, and told her we were closing up soon.  She said thank you as I continued to move the chairs out of the way of the fire door.  She got up and walked towards the door.  I have to say, her jean shorts were short, and she gave me a nice view of her butt.  Just an amazing looking girl.

Last Sunday TheGirl texted asked if I wanted to join her at her favorite restaurant after work for a drink.  I had bought a bunch of cold cuts, and it was warm, so I declined the invitation and told her that perhaps next week.  Well, this is next week.  She invited me again and we went over to that horrible restaurant.  She likes it there because she can take her dog and eat on the patio.  But really there isn't a good reason to go to that place other than that.  The food is tasteless, and the service is horrid.  And tonight the margaritas that usually pack a punch were weak sauce.  Still, we had a good time, because do have a good time when we hang out.  I came home, with a full belly, and now I'm thinking of packing it in early.  I'm trying not to drink at night, like I did last week.  I drank pretty much every night last week, and it really made me feel down.  I need my rest, not to burn the candle at both ends every night.  I'm getting too old for al this.

Mon May 2, Work was really busy today.  Sunday I showed up and there was a pile of Friends of the Library memberships on my desk.  This in addition to the ones that I had when I showed up on Friday.  Total the number of memberships I had to process today was about twenty.  Well, that is until mid afternoon when another twenty showed up.  I didn't get to finish those, but I did get them 3/4ths of the way done.  Still, the memberships took up my entire day.  Well, nearly my entire day.  There were a couple of points in the day when I had to come out and help on the circulation desk.  My coworkers were swamped with passport applications just before the 2:30pm cut-off.

I feel bad for patrons of the library who see three clerks working on passports.  They just want to get their books checked out, but nearly all the clerks are engaged with passport applications.  This is just wrong, in my view.  The library is primarily a library, not a fucking passport office.  But, the money that the passports bring in offer some sort of "leverage" to the city.  Or so my boss says.  I think it's dumb.  Our core mission is being put aside in a grab for money.  Fucking money.  The library I was originally hired to work has changed so much, but not entirely for the better.  This one thing really irks me, because so much man power is being put on passports that I feel we are no longer a library first, but a passport office first.  I'm an old fool that still believes in things.  I'm not a librarian, but I hold those ideals.  If only that fucking school wasn't so horrible I might be a librarian today.  Putting that aside, I think the avarice that has taken over the library is a sign that the soul of what used to be a great little library is dying.  I didn't really know the library director that hired me very well (because she died), but I wonder what she would think of this.  Even the director that took over for her might wonder what we have done here.  I'm just an employee, and apparently mentioning anything about my displeasure is looked upon as some sort of complaining.  But I work the front lines.  I'm there.  I know what's happening on an intimate basis.  The managers... they can't ever know, because they aren't where I am.  Where my coworkers are.  I had a big conversation with H today.  She's probably the best worker that library has ever had.  Smart, resourceful, and yet she was afraid that the circulation boss is going to crew her out, or worse, fire her, because she openly questions things.  It's a shame that she has to worry about her job because she just wants there to be a work environment that isn't idiotic.  But, that's the way of the world.  I fucking hate it, but I don't have the energy to fight it.  Also, there isn't any use in trying to fight it.  There is only use in trying to bring it down from inside.

After having a little bit to eat I headed over to TheGirl's place, where just a few moments after I arrived she came walking up with her dog.  I played with her dog our usual catch my hand game.  Her dog really gets worked up about that game.  It's too much fun.  I then rested, and TheGirl and I visited.  TheGirl mostly told me about her weekend, and how she went with her future daughter-in-law to pick out a dress.  It's funny to visit a day after hanging out for dinner.  This made for a quiet night tonight.

Around 8:30ish my aunt called me again, this time from her cell phone, to tell me that she, "Heard a sound," outside.  I told TheGirl that I needed to go.  She understood.  I drove home and thankfully nothing was disturbed.  Just my Aunt hearing things in the dark.  I get it, she's here all alone most of the evening.  My cousin's kids leave at around 5pm, and she's alone in the house until I show up five or six hours after they leave.  I moved the camera that I had in my room to the little nook area between the "living room" and the kitchen.  This is the most vulnerable spot in the house, since we don't have any bars on these windows.  This is the spot where someone tried to break into the house a couple of months ago.  We have lights now, but really that's the only protection.  I figure the camera would give us at least a glimpse into possible movement there.  I feel bad because of my stupid house, that I have to work so late.  But what can I do?  I have to pay the bills.  They ask me to work late, I work late.  The days I don't work late I hang out with TheGirl.  And then there's Fridays, where I come home before sunset.  I think I might need more lights around the house.

Tue May 3, MicroManager told me last week that she wanted me to not drive today, but rather help move books and other things to the new storage downstairs in the new basement.  Why my buddy, who did the route in place of me, couldn't do what I was doing today is beyond me.  It was just throwing away books.  It didn't take a rocket scientist, but MicroManager knows that I'm rather resourceful, and can think on my feet.  I believe she thinks my buddy isn't like that at all.  Well, for whatever reason he got the better of today.  I threw away so many books today that I nearly filled three recycling bins.  The heat inside the library, coupled with the exertion of moving so many books, tired me out today.  I mean totally exhausted me.  All I wanted to do was pass out.

Lunch came around and I decided to have my meal on the lawn in front of the library.  Exhausted, the nice breeze made my lunch quite nice.  My actual food was bland, but at that point I didn't care.  I was resting, and that's what counts.  A coworker of mine came up and asked me what I was eating.  I told him I was, "Living the dream," while having my little tasteless meal on the lawn.

After lunch I went back to work, but that part of the shift only lasted just over an hour.  Most of the hard work was done for the day.  I was still feeling really tired though, despite my lunch break.  It was not fun today.  MicroManager asked if I wanted to work until 5pm and then come back at 8.  I told her I was so tired that I would rather just leave then, which was nearly 4pm.  I could tell she wanted me to stay until 5pm, but I felt like I was going to just drop, and I told her I would rather rest.  She let me go at 4:15pm.  I went to my car and just lay there in the passenger seat.  I knew I would pass out eventually.  I did, and I didn't wake up for nearly an hour.  I woke and ate my sandwich and then just chilled in my car.  I was so weak when I finished up earlier today that I was wondering if I was coming down with something.  Or if I was suffering from the drinking I did last night.  I knew I wasn't hungover, however lately the day after drinking I have felt out of sorts.  Tired, more tired than usual, and achy.  Not a good feeling.  Today's extra long nap was something I desperately needed.  I really didn't feel well after working in that sauna that they call a library.  I actually had to sympathize with MicroManager and the rest of that horrible crew, because they deal with this heat every day.  Nah, they suck and this is their hell.

I started my short night shift nice and rested, feeling almost no ill effects from before.  The night shift went fast, and I'm thankful for that.  During my time throwing away books I stumbled upon a book about 100 great novels.  I opened it and found Gatsby, but pure chance.  I didn't go looking for that book, but my finger just happened to fall on that page.  I took a couple of picture of some quotes about the novel, and posted them on Instagram.  Sure enough, TheDesire chimed in with a comment.  I tells ya, things between TheDesire and I are not finished.  I want to think they are, but then little things like this happen and I wonder how she's always the first to comment on my entries.  Not that it means too much, but at the same time I do think there is unfinished business between TheDesire and me.

Wed May 4, Monday I had a bunch of Friend's memberships to process.  Today, I had another pile of memberships to process.  It took me the better part of the morning to finish them all up.  I really didn't finish until my afternoon shift.

I can't say much about my afternoon shift, since it was pretty standard.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  I wasn't terribly busy, but busy enough.

Quitting time meant racing over to TheGirl's for dinner.  But, before I stopped off at Zankou to get some food for us.  I suggested a couple of places we could go tonight, but TheGirl wants to only go to restaurants that are dog friendly.  I can pick up Zankou and take it back to her place, automatically making it dog friendly.  During dinner TheGirl confessed that she is feeling depressed.  Enough that she has contemplating doing herself and her dog in.  It's a horrible thought, and I told her so.  She just feels like she won't be able to make ends meet soon since she believes her landlord will raise her rent.  Which makes sense.  She also feels lonely.  Join the club, lady.  She doesn't like her job, and she feels anxiety about leaving her dog along in the house most of the day.  All valid reasons to feel down.  Certainly coming to a lonely cold house must not be fun.  But essentially she choose this life.  Part of it was my doing.  If I hadn't broken up her marriage where would she be?  Still at home, perhaps.  But she would still be at home.  And perhaps if she hadn't dumped me we would still be together.  Maybe I would even be living with her part time.  Who knows.

We all have to make the best of our lives.  I know what it's like to spiral down a drain of no hope.  She's in that spiral right now, and it's not good.  She needs to see that no matter what she has it better than most.  TheGirl also needs to find a job where she can make more money and feel secure.  She mentioned that she had asked a person that works at Disney for an in to the company.  He just forwarded her resume to Disney HR.  She could have done that.  She wanted to have a foot in the door, but this dope just gave her false hope.  Fucking dope.  I felt sad to hear what TheGirl had to say tonight.  I feel bad that so many people feel this way.

Thu May 5, MicroManager found it a good idea to not have me drive today in order to help move books from storage upstairs to the new storage downstairs.  As my buddy asked, "Why are you so qualified?"  I suppose I'm uniquely qualified to move books.  Another coworker told me that he figured he would be helping out, but as soon as MicroManager, "Got her hands on this assignment I had no chance."  I can see that, she doesn't like him and she does ace him out of assignments that she controls.  My morning and afternoon was taken up by the moving of the books.  The trash didn't pick up the books I threw out on Tuesday.  Hence me not continuing with that assignment.  Maybe next week.  Today was just about moving the magazines they still keep downstairs.  It was just grunt work, nothing great.  I did get to see some things today, and here they are.

I got to see TheDesire "work" today, because I passed by her cubicle over a dozen times.  She pretty much sits there, viewing something random on her computer, and balances that time by staring at her phone and texting.  It's funny, she makes a nice living, but today I couldn't see what she does to earn that living.  But I'm one to talk.  There have been days where I hardly do a thing and I still get paid.  Maybe today was one of those days for TheDesire.  It's funny though, at one point she was asking me about her phone camera, saying that she thought it was making the pictures look blurry.  As I stood above her at her desk I got a chuckle out of her butt crack peeking over her pants.  Mind you, I would LOVE to see the rest.  At that moment I found it more amusing than arousing.  She is a dream though.  Later I had a short text exchange with her about Gatsby.  Short version, she figures that, "All I know is that life is crazy!"  Life is crazy.  Not too profound, but what do you want out of a text, Shakespeare?  I do like her a lot though.  Just thought I'd mention.  That has not diminished, despite what she said.

And now a tour of the new downstairs.  After all the construction guys left, and I was alone to wander the basement, I took some pictures to share here.  The entire basement is different.  It looks nice, without all the junk that will added later.  There isn't much to say about the basement other than it looks good.

I finished up my work and went to dinner.  I didn't know what to have, since I had go out and find something to eat in this culinary desert.  This, because I didn't see anything in the fridge that drew my attention.  Lunch was one thing, but I didn't want to eat the same thing for dinner.  I ended up trying a place called The Great White Hut.  It has burgers and burritos and tacos.  I had a burrito with fries.  It was good.  Passable, but nothing spectacular.  Next time I think I'll try a burger or tacos.

I returned to the garage and parked the car so I could get some sleep before returning to work at 7pm.  The rest of the night was uneventful.  I was tired, so I didn't talk to Dane too much.  This is likely the second to last week I'll be working the upstairs desk.  As of the 16th there will be no more computers upstairs.  They will be relocated downstairs, and there will only be eight computers instead of the current thirty-two.  There will be more of the fifteen minute computers, but that won't satisfy those who are going to be waiting to use a computer.  Once again, this is well thought out and of course there will be no pieces to pick up after this fiasco... I mean success.  This is going to be some bullshit.

Fri May 6, Work was fine today.  Nothing major going on.  More Friend's memberships to process, but I'll wait until Monday to do those.  I really can't do that sort of stuff while I'm on the reference desk.  I will start to get these things processed, and of course that's the exact second a patron needs a question answered.  And not an easy question, but usually a hard question that requires some time.  Not that I mind, but I've given up on trying to do major work like this on the reference desk.

So-so texted me today asking if I was OK.  She worried because there was no delivery yesterday.  She thought I might have been sick.  I explained to her that it wasn't that I was sick, but that MicroManager felt it was a better use of my time to not drive the route, but rather that I help move a shit ton of books to the basement.  Why another coworker couldn't do it was of course So-so's next question.  I told her that I didn't know that answer.  She also wondered why MicroManager didn't email the branches to tell them there would be no delivery.  This despite the fact that MicroManager ran away, arms flaying in the air, saying she was going to email the branches.  Later So-so found out that only the managers were emailed, not the underlings.  Ah, that's pretty stupid, because sometimes a manager isn't at the branch, and can't tell the underlings that there isn't going to be a delivery.  But, this is typical of MicroManager.  She doesn't see underlings as important in any way.

Because I'm not spending about $10 a month on Photoshop I figured that it was best to keep this a balance neutral item in my budget.  That meant something else had to go.  I figured that getting rid of one of the other services I pay for, but don't really use all that much, was the best move.  The thing that got the cut was Hulu.  I don't watch it that often, and the only real reason I was paying for it was to use it on my Roku stick.  I can just watch it off my computer though, and save that money for Photoshop.

Sat May 7, A coworker of mine that works for IT invited me for breakfast this morning to a local place close to the library.  I accepted because he's been a good guy to me.  He looked into me getting paid overtime.  And it seems that he has taken a shine to me.  Also, I like him.  Also, he knows TheGirl.  Though, I doubt that he knows my connection with TheGirl.  But, then again maybe he does know my connection with TheGirl.  Either way, I think he's a good guy since he seems to always be looking out for me.  Breakfast was short because I had to be at work at noon instead of my usual 1pm start.  Mo and I had a short but good conversation about things at the library.  The time went fast, but we hit the high points.  Mainly how MicroManager ruins everything.

I checked in a funny little book a little after coming into work called Everyone Loves Bacon.  And yes, everyone does love bacon.  In one of the pages a lettuce is sitting the refrigerator and says, "I miss bacon."  I thought it was a great little book.  At the end of the book, not to spoil it for you, the bacon has been eaten.  A fitting end.

My buddy Dane and I have had dinner off and on for a while now.  It used to be on a different day of the week.  But since now Saturdays are the only day that I get off work before the sun goes down we have dinner on Saturdays.  I like our little dinners at Carl's, because I like feeding my friend.  I know he appreciates it.  I know we used to hang out a lot more frequently in the past, but now we don't.  Just this one day of the week.  I wish I could help him somehow.  To find a place where he can sleep and not be worried that some dopey guy is going to knock him over the head while he sleeps.  Or that the police are going to hassle him.  Alas, I don't know how to help him other than to be his friend and to treat him to dinner once a week.

TheGirl went to Rosarito, Mexico this weekend to ride for fifty miles down the Mexican coast to I think Ensenada.  She's been training for this day for a while.  Good for her.

Sun May 8, Not much to report from work.  Today was pretty good for a Sunday.  Busy, but not too busy.  And also no dummies.  And LaFlor worked today, and it's always nice seeing her.  I still wonder about my chances with any woman, but certainly LaFlor is someone I would like to get to know better.  I don't try very hard when it comes to women these days though.  I've made up my mind that it's the bachelor's life for me.

Yesterday I saw TheDesire reading the book that I had left on her desk.  Today, she texted me to say that she could not read the few pages in that book that had to do with Gatsby.  Mind you, the entire book I left her was not about Gatsby.  Just a few pages were about Gatsby.  If memory serves me correctly, it was about five pages.  In addition to the text shown here she continued by telling me that she read and reread the same part over and over again, but could not read it.  Now what does that say about her?  What does that say about what she feels for me?  What does it say that she even read it?  I believe the two of us are still destined to have a intimate moment together in the near future.  I know it might just as well be wishful thinking, but I also read her.  And what I read is that deep down inside the only thing that keeps her from being with me is that I'm not Armenian.  I think the evidence has shown that to be true.  I don't have all the evidence though, so of course I allow for my hypothesis to be wrong.  Still, I don't think I'm wrong, from what I know.  Now mind you, even if we are intimate in some way, like kissing, I don't think that means we have a future together.  I will allow for that.  In the long run I still don't have a legitimate chance with her.  That I don't doubt.

Mon May 9, My aunt certainly knows how to push my buttons, and what buttons to push.  It REALLY annoys me when people talk to me when I'm eating.  My aunt feels fit to ALWAYS interrupt me when I'm eating my breakfast.  She probably thinks it's the only time she has to talk to me.  But, what about when I'm going to take a shower?  Or when I'm coming out of the shower?  Or when I'm coming back to my room after taking a piss?  Oh no, those aren't good enough.  She needs to find a time when I am the most annoyed.  Well fuck, I'm just sick and tired of it all.

And speaking of that, I really am sick of all this bullshit.  Sick of work.  Sick of the days blurring and not knowing what day it is unless I check my phone.  Sick of not having an actual day off.  Sick of having to pretend to go to work to avoid my aunt bitching at me.  Just sick.  Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

I show up to work in a bad mood from my aunt and I figure that at least I'm in my "sanctuary" and I can do my work at my pace today.  Wrong.  Pseudo supervisor shows up for some reason.  The good thing, kinda, is that my coworker called in sick.  This meant that I spent most of the morning on the reference desk, away from pseudo supervisor.  She doesn't really press me too much, so that's fine.  But today I just wanted to be left alone.  Thankfully the reference desk was quiet.  There was supposed to be a test, but that was rescheduled, so I escaped most of my work until later.

The rest of the day went fine.  I left work a little later than I have been leaving lately.  Mainly because I was just about to leave when pseudo supervisor had me do something.  I quickly grabbed a thing to eat before going over to TheGirl's place.  She told me about her weekend trip, and showed me pictures.  Sounds like she had a good time.  Wish I could take some more time off work and get away.  I really need it.  But, I have a ton of bills to pay.

Tue May 10, She told me she had an appointment this morning at 7:45am in Van Nuys.  She asked me last night to make sure what time the bus arrived there so she wouldn't be late.  This morning, just as I'm going into the shower she calls me.  She took the wrong bus, and she's late.  She was on Devonshire and Sepulveda.  Nowhere near Van Nuys and Saticoy, which is where she was supposed to be going.  How she didn't notice ALL THE WAY DOWN Sepulveda that she wasn't going the right way I'll never know.  Just dumb!

On a side note about taxis.  My aunt asked me to call her a taxi to pick her up.  I was thinking of not calling and letting her rot out there.  But then that felt like a dick move and I called the first taxi company I found online.  When I called them I told them I wanted a pick up at Devonshire and Sepulveda.  The woman on the phone wanted me to give her an address.  I didn't have one, and since I was online I quickly looked, but I couldn't find one.  She told me to call back when I had an address.  I hung up and was completely frustrated.  I decided to call another taxi company, but moments later my aunt called to say that someone told her the bus was coming soon.  Well of course it was.  She got there by the bus, her excuse that she didn't know how to get back was dumb.  At the time she initially called it was already 7:30am.  No way she was going to get to her appointment on time.  ARGH!  Just frustrating.  But this side note points out why these taxi companies are struggling.  You can't even get them to pick you up without some big production.  Idiots.

Today I spent most of my day moving frames from upstairs storage to downstairs storage.  They were mostly photos of Rose Parade floats that the city entered in the parade since 1928 or 1929.  That's a lot of years, and a lot of frames.  The whole thing tired me out, but good.  At the end of the night MicroManger shits all over me.  I honestly didn't remember her telling me to show up at 9am this morning.  Big fucking deal.  She tells me, as I stand there exhausted in front of her, "Oh chu don't like working."  Lady, I'm exhausted.  Even a two hour nap wasn't enough tonight to replenish me.  Fucking asshole bitch.  I hope she rots.  I'm completely exhausted, and she dares to say that to me.  Fucking bitch!

There was a moment today when I was able to talk to TheDesire for a few minutes.  In that short amount of time she confessed to me that nothing makes her happy.  I asked a friend about what that meant, but I knew what it meant... she's depressed.  TheDesire posted a picture I took of her five years ago with a bunch of books today (look above).  How can she deny that I am someone special in her life?  I captured her beauty because I am fucking in love with her.  Only an artist that is in love with the subject can capture something like that.  But, does she get that?  Well... maybe.  But she doesn't take that logical step to the next level and say to her self, "Hey... this guy loves me."  Then again... history is riddled with artists loving their subject and still not being faithful to them.  If I could only make it clear to TheDesire that I would be faithful to her for the rest of my life, I would.  But how does one go about that?  A fucking wedding ring doesn't mean anything.  It never meant anything but a contract that one would honor the terms of a contract.  I don't mean to just have a contract with TheDesire.  I mean to have the rest of my life with her.  When she told me today that she likes someone that doesn't like her back I wanted to tell her, "Join the club."  I love her too much to throw that in her face.  I told a friend that what TheDesire needs is a kiss.  He dismissed that.  Nevertheless, I do believe that if I ever kissed her something magical would happen.  Grant you, it would be magical on my part for sure.  I can't be sure that it would be anything but repulsive to her, but this is my life and at the end of it I have to know that I tried EVERYTHING to win her over.

On a side note, the thought of my eventual non-existence has come up more than once over the last few months.  Perhaps it's the fact that I'm nearly at the half way point of my fortieth decade on this Earth, but I know that there are fewer days ahead of me than there are behind me.  OK, there is the possibility that there is more days ahead of me, but yeah.  I'm about half way through my life now, and the first half feels wasted because of the time I spent not doing anything but existing.  A decade at least.  This is why I feel I NEED to write something, besides this, that last beyond my existence.  If only I had the time.

I had a small lunch, but no dinner tonight.  I wasn't really too hungry.  I decided it was better to spend this time resting in my car.  It's funny, I now tend to park in the lowest part of the structure, and all the way at the end.  I woke up and saw some security guy walking away from the general area.  They do their "patrols" and I'm sure they see me snoring my life away.  I wonder if they think I'm living in my car.  I have to say that I would have a similar thought if I saw me.

One of the regular patrons at my San Marino job also visits my Glendale job.  Tonight he told me that the boss from SM asked if he was interested in being a library trustee.  I told him to go for it.  Maybe he can champion my full time status.  Nah.

Wed May 11, I drank SO much last night.  I mean a lot.  To the point that I worried how I was going to feel this morning.  Thankfully I didn't feel like my head was being squeezed in a vice.  But, I did feel completely out of sorts.  I overslept by about forty minutes as well.  And when I woke I still felt like I was a little drunk.  It also doesn't help that I went to bed so late.  I hate that I have to wait until it's so late to drink.  I need to start my drinking earlier in the night, but I also need to not drink as much as I did last night.  It was excessive.  Still, I was able to get out of bed and get ready for the day.  I took some pills for the slight headache I had and I rushed out the door at 8:40, close to my usual time of 8:30pm.  I do like drinking, but but this kind of drinking was drinking to forget.  I needed to forget yesterday.

Work was work.  I got some things done, but mostly pseudo supervisor talked and I listened.  Good times.  It's better than doing any actual work.  The afternoon desk shift was pretty standard.  I don't want to jinx things, but I've gotten pretty good at this reference desk stuff.  I'm sure now that I've written that I'll get hit in the face the next time I'm on desk with a really good question that I can't answer.  Then again, I'm not saying that I can answer every question.  What I'm saying is that I'm in a nice place where I am confident enough to face nearly every question posed to me on the desk.  It's still a challenge and I like that about this job.  I do wish that there was some way that I could be made an "honorary" librarian there.  I now have some real life experience on the desk that you can't get while in school.  That is not to say that my experience should somehow trump a proper education.  However, I did pick up a lot of tricks of the trade over the years.  Again, not the same as going to school, but I think sometimes learning by doing can be almost as good.  Anyway, enough tooting my own horn.

Dinner with TheGirl was nice, as always.  I told her about the bad day I had yesterday and how I was likely to have a repeat of the amount of work tomorrow.  We touched upon the fact that her Disneyland pass is going to expire soon, and she won't be able to renew it, and that we have to go to Disneyland before her pass expires.  I want to take a day off and do more than just a few hours in the morning.  However, if we only get to go for breakfast I'm OK with that too.  It's a shame that TheGirl didn't like leaving her dog in the Disneyland kennel that one time we went and tried it out.  It would make it a lot easier to deal with the anxiety of leaving her dog at home if we could just take the dog with us to Disneyland.  And it's too bad I'm not some filthy rich bastard that could just pay for her annual pass.  We also talked about one of the reasons why she isn't going to renew her pass, the cost.  She is going to need that money for the likely rent increase that she will have to pay.  She knows that there is little chance at her age that she will be able to get another job.  The alternative is to move closer to my neighborhood in order to be closer to her job, and thereby reduce the stress she has to deal with on her commute.  It's only too bad she can't find a place in my neighborhood, because that little bit would help her.  Alas, what she needs is more money.  I only wish we could combine our forces to make some money on the side.  But how?

TheDesire isn't in a good place.  She really isn't.  She seems to be spiraling down an emotional hole.  Case in point, she posted a link on her FB about depression.  If this isn't a call for help I don't know what you could say IS a call for help.  For the first time ever with me she mentioned her brother.  It was in passing, but in the text she directly links his suicide with how she feels now.  It's been so many years and she's still not over it.  I mean, how could anyone get over such a thing, correct?  But what I pointed out to her is that we can either let tragedy define our lives, or we can face it and say that we won't be defined by one terrible day.  I could very much be in a depression over my mother and grandmother dying of cancer.  My mother's death was such a horror to me.  Not just that she died, but the way cancer took her.  And then to have the same thing happen to my grandmother should have made me want to throw myself off a bridge.  It thankfully didn't.  With my mother's death it was my grandmother that helped me survive.  And then with my grandmother it was the experience of I had from my mother's death that kept me grounded.  I knew that for all the pain I was in it was going to be OK at the end of the day.  It still hurts, but you deal with it.  Certainly I can't compare their deaths from cancer to TheDesire's brother's suicide, but my point is still valid.  She has never been able to let that pain go.  It needs to lie in the past, where it exist.  She doesn't get that, and that's why she's never been able to truly deal with the pain.

On a final note, it could also be that she suffers from a similar problem that drove her brother to commit suicide.  In other words, whatever mental issues drove him to want to kill himself might be something that TheDesire suffers from as well, only to a lesser extent.  I fear that she is becoming hopeless, and when you lose hope you're more likely to continue down into the darkness.

Thu May 12, Today was another torturous and long day moving shit from storage to the basement.  Thankfully today I had some help, and that kept me from going too fast and exhausting myself.  My coworker keeps a slow but steady pace to things, and that was good for me today.  He tends to milk things a little bit, which was the best thing for me today.  I started at 9am, and I wouldn't end my day until 10pm.  Fucking thirteen hours!  Minus an hour for lunch and other hour for dinner.  That's a lot of hours.  Especially in that godforsaken place.  One can't believe in the divine in a place of horrors like that place has become to me.  MicroManager already told me today that I'll be continuing this shit assignment next week.

I fucking miss driving the route.  On the route I'm "free."  I set my own pace, and I can speed up or slow down as I see fit.  I also don't have to deal with the idiots at Central like MicroManager and Jr.  MicroManager is the single biggest reason why I don't like working there most days.  She ruins everything.  If she was dead, or retired, or dead, it would make that place a lot more bearable.  There would still be dopes that work there, but their power to ruin my work day would diminish.  That is because the dopes that ruin my day are MicroManager's disciples, always kowtowing to her mercurial whims.  This assignment has made me spend a lot more time in the building than I have in a long time.  When I was a page I was there for eight hours a day.  My hours are longer, but when I drive the route I'm there for maybe an hour, half an hour in the morning and another half hour as I finish my route and bring in all the book bins.  I don't really see much of those dopes.  These days I see too much of them.

Perhaps the only positive is that I've seen a lot more of TheDesire because of this assignment.  I noticed that she has worn the same pair of pants every day that I've seen her.  That includes last Thursday, Tuesday and today.  Mind you, her butt looks really good in those pants, and because they are not black I get to see more of what I like.  Today there was a point where she was walking away from me and all I could do was check her butt out.  She's such a pretty girl.  I'm drawn to her aesthetic, big time.  I sometimes forget how tiny she is, but then I just have to stand next to her to remind myself.  It was my lunch time and I went out front to talk to Dane while I ate.  It was 2pm and since the library doesn't open until 2:30pm Dane was just chilling outside under the tree.  I saw Emma and TheDesire walk out of the library.  Emma later told me they went for a walk.  I finished my lunch, talked to Dane and when it was 2:30 Dane went into the library and I started walking to my car.  Just then Emma and TheDesire came back.  Emma then walked with me to my car where we talked to each other about TheDesire's current emotional state.  We're both concerned about what she's been saying and doing.  The car, the dog, her postings on social media.  All of them point to her not being in a good place.  Emma mentioned her car, and then I mentioned that I hadn't seen her new car since last week.  I speculated that perhaps she returned it, much like when a couple of years back she started driving a big BMW and then said that it was too much car for her.  She traded that BMW for an Accord a week after she said that to me about her beamer.  That Accord was what she drove until she got herself this Porsche.  So Emma and I walked the parking structure looking for her car.  We found it, and she started to look inside of it.  I was just standing next to it when Emma looks up and says, "There she is, she's coming."  Sure enough, TheDesire was walking to her car at that exact moment.  Emma whispered, "Awkward," as TheDesire walked up.  It was funny.  I just told TheDesire, "We were looking for my car."  TheDesire asked Emma if she wanted to go get some food with her, and Emma agreed.  I continued back to my car, since it was almost time for me to return to work anyway.  I got up to about half way to my car and that's when TheDesire started driving past me.  Before she got to me I pretended to be jumping out of the way.  TheDesire picked up on what I was doing and swerved to pretend to hit me.  Good times.

I went back to work and took it as easy as I could.  Still, I was tired.  Since no one was around, not even my coworkers, during the last hour I was assigned to move stuff, I took that last hour super easy.  I sat down and nearly fell asleep.  That's how tired I was.  I had dinner and then returned to work.  Tonight was the last night I would be working the upstairs desk.  Monday the computers will be downstairs and no one can tell me what the plans will be for the computer desk now.  Will I still have that assignment, or will I have to work the circulation desk now?  I sure hope not.  I like having that time upstairs away from dopes.  Yes, I have to deal with dopey patrons, but that's less in the evenings.  Being upstairs is much like being on the route, I'm free from the influence of idiots at circulation.  Now I will probably be subject to their idiocy since I'll most likely be working the circulation desk.  Fuck!  Well, whatever it is I'll just have to live with it.  Nothing good last forever.

I nearly forgot that tonight was the city's Dodger night game.  I only remembered when I went on FB and saw that Emma had posted a picture of the gang at the game.  I sent a copy of a screen capture to my buddy and we started talking about how he was glad he didn't go to the game.  I pointed out something I've thought about for a while... Dole's practiced smile.  She always has the same look in her pictures.  It's either the practiced smile you see in the picture above, or the surprised face she makes (which showed up in another picture posted online but not shown here).  I told my buddy that among monkeys the showing of the teeth is a sign of aggression.  He thought it fitting that Dole's smile was totally fake.  I'm glad I didn't go to the game.  Of course I COULDN'T go to the game since I worked late today.  Still, I so didn't want to deal with that shit.

TheDesire texted me today to say that she was giving herself six months, "To find confidence, self esteem, be more assertive."  She continued by saying, "I have mental problems... outside the library world... fho sho... I do."  Damn.  I followed up by telling her that I thought she was a kind, smart and interesting person.  She replied to that by saying, "The thing is that I need to fell that... it doesn't matter who says what... after my bro I think I am really off internally."  There you have it.  Right from her "mouth."  She's not in a good place.  But what can I do, but be her friend?  Which is what I plan on doing.  Still, with our history she will likely think I'm exploiting the situation.  It's a valid thought on her part.  I hope to send my help through Emma, not me directly.  However, there isn't much I can really do.  Tonight being the possible last night I will work the upstairs desk I took a short moment to visit TheDesire's desk one last time.

Fri May 13, I wasn't scheduled to work today, but there was no way I was going to stay at home, for the obvious reasons.  I ate breakfast and got ready like any normal work day.  Just before I was going to leave my aunt tells me that there are cherries in the fridge, and that I should take some.  I'm not too keen on cherries these days, so I said thanks but no thanks.  She asked me again a few moments later.  I just ignored her.  I brushed my teeth and saw that the cherries were outside the fridge.  I have no fucking idea why my aunt does this.  She tells me something, I show little or no interest in that thing, and yet she thinks I said the opposite.  It's so fucking frustrating.  If I fucking want the cherries I'll go and get them out of the fridge.  She doesn't need to leave them out for me.  ARGH!  Leave me alone!

The freeway entrance I use every morning isn't east to deal with.  But if you just follow the LINES on the ground, and the signs, you can see what you're supposed to do.  The far right lane is just for the 101 East and West.  But every dope wants to turn wide right and pick up the lane that's going on the 405 or south on Sepulveda.  Wrong, wrong wrong!  The street maintenance people painted in the strip that shows that far right lane is for the freeway only.  So now you can really see the line and how it only goes to the 101.  I wish that they would write on the ground that this lane is only 101.  Still, the car in the picture did the exact same move so many other idiots make.  They turned wide right to turn into the lane that goes south on Sepulveda.  Morons.

While at "work" I exchanged text messages to Emma about TheDesire, and how she seems to be falling into a depression.  I told Emma that I would get TheDesire some chocolate, but that I wanted her (Emma) to give them to her.  I don't want TheDesire to even know I'm getting her something to cheer her up.  Not that some chocolates can ever cheer anyone enough when they are in the midst of depression.

I came home after getting my hair cut.  I didn't eat right away, but I did eat and of course it was like a sleeping pill.  I passed out in a heap.  I really wish I could spend my day off here at home, but under the current conditions that is impossible. 

Sat May 14, There was no MicroManager at work today, but of course her influence on my schedule is still felt.  She put me on the circulation desk for my entire shift.  ARGH!  Five fucking hours, nearly straight if you don't count the fifteen minute break in the middle.  Five hours, but thankfully there weren't that many dopey patrons today.  It's pretty nice at work when MicroManager isn't around.  The only thing that would make it better is if TheDesire worked on the Saturdays that MicroManager doesn't work.  As it is the two of them work every other Saturday and it's on the SAME Saturdays.  Fuck!  Oh well.

Today is Emma's second to last weekend that she'll be working at Central.  She is good to talk to, and I hate to say it but I'm wondering if I should make a pass at her.  She seems down for a good time, though the reality is that if we did sleep together it would just be about that.  I can't imagine going to concerts with her and such.  I'm a tired old man at this point.  I am possibly interested in her because I need to get laid and she is kinda nice for that.  It's not likely to happen, mind you.  Perhaps we can go out drinking and I could try to make out with her.  Ha!

Art is subjective, I know that.  But some things are universal.  One thing that I think most of my fellow employees have said is terrible is the "art" display that has been placed inside the library.  Today I saw this horrible figure as I walked in the building.  To me it felt like it was the lost sprit of a tortured disembodied soul.  The twisted ghosts made of translucent material are inhabiting the library, which must serve as some sort of horrible purgatory for the wicked to wait in.  These poor souls are trapped until July in this hell hole of a library.  Forced to watch the workers deal with horrid patrons, inept supervisors, and other lost souls that is comprised of city employees.  I really think this city needs to figure out that these shit art projects just make the city look bad.

Sun May 15, There's a program that happens at the library about once a month.  It's run and sponsored by some dopey loud woman that is not only those two things, but demanding.  Last time this program came I set out a pitcher of water for the guests, full of ice and cut lemons.  At the end of the program I dumped nearly all the water into the sink.  I felt so bad, and stupid me should have at least poured the water on to the plants around the library.  This time I figure they didn't need water, but the did need their cookies.  But I couldn't' find them, and I ended up texting the boss for a clue as to where they were.  It turns out they placed them in a cabinet that I didn't know we used for that purpose.  Looking for these cookies made me frustrated.  I finally found them, but I still didn't put out the water.  Well, the dummy comes up to the reference desk and says to me, "Could we get a little ice for the water... it's the least the library could do for someone who has donated so much money."  I wanted to fucking choke this woman.  I hate it when people with money throw the fact that they have money around.  In my life I've met wealthy people and rich people.  I've found that truly wealthy people don't always feel the need to flaunt their money.  It's something they've had since birth.  Not something they acquired through marriage or work.  This woman comes off to me as someone who acquired her money through marriage.  She doesn't know what it's like to be a "grunt."  She is insecure in her riches, and knows that as easily as they came to her they can go.  But she puts on a veneer of invincibility, and this is why she is so loud and demanding when she talks.  I don't like this woman, and I dread when that fucking problem is scheduled for a certain Sunday.  It makes that shift terrible.

After work I bolted to pick up Miss, who was working at the Brand library for some reason.  I think they had some sort of recital going on there tonight.  Whatever.  I picked her up and went to Central and picked up Vagabundo.  The three of us then drove down to just south of MLK and Avalon to the taco vendor.  I tells ya, these tacos are amazing.  I finally had the nerve to try the chorizo tacos, or should I say taco since I only had one chorizo taco.  It was damn good.  Perhaps next time I'll have more.  The carne asada tacos were amazing.  They were as good as last time.  Just great tacos.  We ate and enjoyed a little shop talk, railing against the dummies at work.  Vagabundo told me something interesting that I had some suspicions about, but didn't know the details until tonight.  I asked him if he had seen the new librarian that was supposed to be starting May 2nd at one of the branches.  He told me that he found out she resigned.  After the FIRST day on the job!  How fucking perfect is that?

Mon May 16, Work today was filled with processing more of the Friend's memberships.  I spent the entire day doing nothing but the Friend's memberships.  It's not that there are a lot, but the process is time consuming.  Thankfully pseudo supervisor wasn't around today.

I visited TheGirl tonight and it was good times.  During the visit I thought about how if things had worked out with TheDesire that I wouldn't have this moment with TheGirl and her dog Cheyenne.  And at this moment that dog has grown on me to the point that I can truly say I love that dog.  I love our playing.  I let her lick my face, and I've NEVER been on to allow dogs to lick my face.  But this dog has entered my heart.  Funny how things work out.

Her dog was barking at her because the dog wanted her treat, so TheGirl asked me if it was OK if we went to the store to buy her dog some treats.  I said it was fine.  While there I drifted to the bird section and saw some birds in cages and became extremely emotional.  I thought about the birds I've had in the past.  I looked at his particular bird, and it seemed to look at me with this look that said, "Get me out of here."  I couldn't help but relate.  I started to well up, and I nearly burst out in tears.  This creature on some level understands its plight, and it makes it sad.  I can't fix all the problems of the world, that's for sure.  To try seems like a futile attempt.  So I write what I feel here.  Perhaps I see my own plight in the eyes of that creature.  I'm just as helpless, only I may not even understand it, just like that little bird doesn't quite understand it.  All I know is that seeing that bird in that cage made me sad tonight.

Sympathy, by Paul Laurence Dunbar

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals-
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting-
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,-
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings-
I know why the caged bird sings!

And now that I think about it, TheGirl's dog also has a history where she was mistreated.  I think that's why she takes a shine to me.  I've never done anything to mistreat her.  And the way I feel about that dog now I would never, ever, do anything to hurt her.  I can truly say that I've come to love Cheyenne.  To say that here is something you should consider as significant.

This is yet ANOTHER example of the fucking bullshit that goes on at my Glendale job.  That fucking turd of a city.  I'll cut to the chase, they say mid-century modern but what they really mean is that this stuff is over fifty years old.  I've been moving shit, and the only thing that I would keep was the plaque (pictured below) where the old, old library stated who put up the money for the library... Andrew Carnegie.  I'm sure his contemporaries could say many things about him that could be considered negative.  Nevertheless, he did seed what is now the modern library system here in the United States.  If only the libraries that I worked in understood the principles of libraries.  Knowledge is the highest peek we as smart apes can hope to reach.  We can not know all things, but we have the minds that are curious and smart enough to explore this Universe.  I heard it said that we are what the Universe uses to know itself.  If that is so then we have a gift that we have to cherish and cultivate.  THAT is what libraries are for.  Humanity wrote something down and from that point on we became close to immortal as we could be.  Because writing and language allowed our ideas, our thoughts, our discoveries to outlive our bodies.  That is what a library is to me... "Immortal knowledge."  I fucking hate the fact that so many of the dummies that run libraries today don't understand there place in history.  Ignorance is always present, because it's the easy way out.  Ignorance requires nothing from its host body.  If anything it is a requirement that the host body not seek any knowledge.  Knowledge requires work.  It requires testing, hypothesizing, retesting and modifications to that original hypothesis.  Work, actual work and persistence.  Today we are too "busy" to take this time (well, most of us).  This is what makes libraries so very important.  Because they are the databanks, if you will, of the accumulated human knowledge.  And that isn't a small thing.  I may not be a librarian in actual status, but I dare say that I champion the ideals of the librarian better than most of my so-called colleagues.  And that is why I can't trust them.  Because it makes me wonder why they are not following what I think is the natural terminus of their profession.

Tue May 17, Once again I'm on moving duty.  My buddy was not asked to drive today, probably because MicroManager doesn't want to give him too many hours.  Bullshit!  So the other driver drove today and I was stuck still moving these fucking boxes.  And on top of that no more upstairs computer desk duty for me.  That was a bit of my sanctuary since I could sit and rest.  Not any more.

I moved what I think is nearly the last of the stuff I have to move down to the basement.  Today was the last little bit, as well as trashing some things.  TheDesire was prancing around a few times.  There was a playful moment when I was moving some boxes and the cart I was using was aimed in her general direction.  I turned it to aim it at her and she said that I should run her over.  *sigh* That girl is just too much.  She's too deep to get out.  Emma wants to have a talk with her this weekend, but I'm not sure how that's going to help.  I'm sure her family has said things to her about her melancholia.  Still, we're supposed to somehow fix it?  Whatever.  She looked so nice today.  She's such a pretty girl.  If I let myself I could easy go back to liking her and hoping that we would be together.  But I can't do that.  I can't go back there.

Here is what the former computer area and periodical area looks like today.  All the computers were taken out yesterday, I assume.  You can see how dirty this whole area is now that the computers are out of the way.  They moved a bunch of cabinets from the back to where the tables used to be in order to have them ready for a furniture sale this weekend.  Not sure who would want this shit.

I had a three hour dinner break tonight.  Usually I think that's too long of a break, but tonight I really needed that extra time.  I went to the mall to eat dinner and then I returned to my car to chill.  I slept like a baby.  Today has been a long day.

I come home tonight, completely exhausted from the long day, and of course I have to deal with my aunt's bullshit!  First, the door to my room is semi-closed because she moved the chair behind it to keep it from totally opening.  I did that ONCE weeks ago, and every time I come home she puts it back.  You would think she would get the hint that I fucking DON'T WANT IT THAT WAY!  But no, every night it's semi-closed.  I only did that once to prevent the fucking brats from coming into my room and fucking with my shit.  But no.  My aunt took that ONE time to mean I always want it semi-closed.  ARGH!  Then I go to her room and she says she bought some garlic bread the other day, but that she hid it in the fridge to prevent my cousin's husband from eating it.  Ah, it's our fridge.  She can very well say it's not for him.  Also, I seriously doubt he's going in there and helping himself to our food.  I mean, id on't know for sure, but I don't see him doing that.  By hiding the food from him she also hides it from me.  So I end up looking into the fridge and finding nothing to eat.  And then it's like today where I ate food from home for lunch, but I went out to the mall to eat something for dinner.  I can do that sometimes, but I don't want to spend that much money on outside food.  It's expensive.  But, because my aunt just fucking doesn't get it, I end up having to do this more often than not.  It's just dumb.  I would think she would get a clue by my actions, but no.  I think I'll just have to talk to her about this stuff.

Nine days until my Solvang trip.

Wed May 18, I woke up early this morning.  I'm not sure why, but that's what happened.  I woke up and went back to bed, trying to not go back to sleep.  These mornings I try to time it so I'm not in the bathroom when my extended family is around.  For the obvious reasons, I fart and I don't want them to hear that.  I think my cousin's kids start school at 8am.  My cousin's husband seems to bring the kids over to the house earlier and earlier in the mornings.  Case in point, today.  Why the fuck are the lot of them arriving at just past 7:15am?  That's a full forty-five minutes before school starts.  Even if you say that the kids should be in school before the bell rings, that's still at least a half hour before they start school.  The last couple of weeks they've been arriving at around 7:25 or so.  Not sure why they had to arrive at 7:16 this morning.  It threw off my whole schedule.  Instead of pooping at home I didn't poop until past 4pm and at work.  Not cool.  All I can do is shake my head and wonder when everyone will get a clue and NOT show up so early.

Work was work today.  The police were looking for me today.  Ah, it wasn't what you think.  They needed me to print up some stuff for them.  The Beast is not only big, but it is also testy.  It takes some time to print anything on that machine.  It takes patients.  I got that done, and thankfully that kept me out of my office for most of the morning today.  The rest of my time was taken up by Friend's memberships.  Good times.

I gave TheGirl several options for dinner tonight, but once again she picks a place that has terrible food.  It's a place across the street from where she lives.  Mind you, a few blocks away on Riverside there are at least a dozen good restaurants to have dinner in.  And even though most of them aren't dog friendly, the few that are dog friendly aren't that bad.  Still, we ended up eating at this place across the street.  Not only was the food bland, but TheGirl ordered a glass of wine and it still had lipstick marks from the previous person that used that glass.  Ah, no.  I told her after that that there was still time to go to one of the places I suggested.  She didn't take me up on my offer, but she should have.  I ordered a chicken parmesan, which was terrible.  I hardly ate it.  As a matter of fact I ended up trowing it away in the trash as soon as I got home.  I HATE throwing away food, because I know that there are people in the world that would kill for the food I threw out in the trash.  Even if it tasted horrible to me, there is someone in the world that would love to have something in their bellies.  That would not even think about what it tasted like.  But would be happy that the food they ate filled their stomachs.  I wanted to keep it, but I knew that the food was just that horrible that I wouldn't want to eat it a second time.  Still, I can say that TheGirl and I had a good dinner.  I was nice and sauced thanks to my flask of whiskey.  That shit can make so many things good.

The library gang sent me a text tonight to say that they are going to have dinner this Friday night.  Ah, no.  I get off at 2pm on Fridays.  There is no way I'm going to be anywhere but at home at 6pm after work.  Pass.

Thu May 19, I didn't have to start work at 9am today, but I knew today was going to be a long day when Bundy handed me a paper showing a special delivery I had to make.  Fucking shit!  Just as Bundy was showing me the paper MicroManager comes up and tells Bundy, "Why are chu showing him dees?  Chu got dees from my offeece... never go into my offeece."  OK, the details of the special delivery is to go and get some items from two of the branches for the furniture sale to end all furniture sales tomorrow.  Great.  But at least I'm back on the route.

The route itself was pretty standard.  I joked to myself that I was worried that I might not remember the details of the route.  But, thankfully it was like riding a bicycle.  When I went to treasury I finally gave TreasuryGirl the photos she requested I print out WAY back in September.  I printed them last week on the big printer at San Marino.  I wasn't going to spend the money on a good print.  Especially after my buddy mentioned that TreasuryGirl dropped the boyfriend bomb.  Hey, it's our own fault for not asking her out a long time ago.  Now, the option is closed.  Not that we had a chance with her, but still.

One of the best perks of the route is having lunch in the park.  I don't know why I didn't do this more often sooner.  Like years ago when I first started on the route.  It's best when the weather is really nice, like it is these days.  I quickly ate my lunch and went outside to lay out on the grass.  Fucking nice.  All this laying out on the grass, and having great weather has made me want to buy something so I can sit outside in my backyard and chill in the upcoming summer nights that promise to be mild.  I looked into what I might buy at Ikea and there are some good things for not too much money.  I'll see if I can make it there some time soon to check them out for myself.

I like the girl that works at Brand, Ani, because she just puts it out there.  She doesn't hold back.  I've asked her to pose in the past, but today I asked her and I think it's really going to happen.  I told her I had bought a new lens for my camera, and that the exhibit inside the library gallery would be a great place to photograph her.  She agreed and we set tomorrow as the DAY June.  Yes!  I have come to find out that if I don't strike fast then these photoshoots that are agreed upon won't happen.  If I say something like let's do it a month from now the whole thing just dies on the vine and it never happens.  It has to be like this, "When are we doing it?  Tomorrow."  Boom, it gets done.  Well, it still hasn't happened, but this time at least she said let's do it.  Woo!

I finished up the route and then I had to deal with the special delivery.  Part of the special delivery was to pick up something from Adam's, which I just did during the regular part of the route.  But the Pacific park part I did have to make a special try to pick up that junk.  And it was junk.  I usually finish my route at 5pm, which is then followed by a break of at least two hours and then back to the grind.  Today, MicroManager sees that I don't finish with the route plus special delivery combination until 6:30pm.  I expected her to have me come back at 8pm, but on the schedule it says I'm back at 7pm.  She then says to me, "Take a long break... and I'll see you at 7pm."  Ah, 7pm gives me half an hour to eat some food.  I'm tired and hungry and of course I'll have to be standing for three hours on the desk tonight.  Fucking shit!  I fucking hate that I let MicroManager take advantage of me like this.  If I didn't have to eat, or pay my bills, I would tell her to go take a flying leap.  But, I made my decision to not contradict her, because to do so is to be labeled a "complainer."  And the told driver that was fired and the other driver on Mondays were both labeled complainers and one, like I said, was fired.  And the other is on the shit list.  MicroManager takes too many liberties.  She assumes my niceness is a sign of weakness and that she can use that weakness to exploit me.  Like with the moving of junk to the basement.  I didn't have to do that shitty assignment.  But she handed me over to the technology administration person for nearly three weeks just like that.  I fucking hated that assignment.  One day I will see MicroManager and her cadre of evil burn.  The full timers represent sloth and the worst of pettiness and corruptibility.  There is no way there isn't a reckoning coming... soon.

On my way home tonight TheDesire sent me a "friendly" reminder that she doesn't think of me in THAT way.  I'll just let the text messages speak for themselves.

Fri May 20, My morning shift was pretty chill today.  About the only problem I faced was dealing with one patron that kept on asking me computer questions.  He was definitely a time waster patron.  He would call me to the computer for the most trivial thing and then not take my advice.  Case in point.  The patron was working on applying for some jobs.  On one page a pop-up window appeared and he wanted to copy the URL.  Well, he clicked outside of the pop-up and that meant that the window under the pop-up now became the primary window.  He starts to look for the pop-up, but doesn't ask me a question.  I watch him struggle for a few moments and that's when I tell him that the pop-up window is under the window he just clicked on.  He doesn't understand what I'm saying.  Meanwhile not only does the window he click on have two tabs, but under that he has two more IE windows.  One of them is the one that he needed.  I tell him to click on the task bar and all I see is the curser move in circles.  Ah, this is the time to ask what it is the task bar.  Everything else he asks me a question.  For this, nothing.  I point it out to him and he hovers his pointer at the task bar.  In this version of Windows hovering the curser will make the different instances of that program's window to show as a preview.  In that preview there is the option to close one or more of those other windows.  He hovers and then starts to move the curser to the X for closure.  I tell him that he shouldn't close that window since it contains the URL he wants to copy.  As if I told him to go ahead and close everything the patron not only closes the pop-up window, he also closes some other window he had up.  All I could do is shake my head and walk away.  What a dope.

Yesterday I convinced my coworker to pose for me at the job.  I drove over from work and of course my stupid ass gets spotted by Emma just a few moments after arriving.  Here I am telling her that I have plans for tonight with a buddy from out of town and she drives up to Brand making me look like I wasn't telling her the entire truth.  Though, truthfully she didn't ask what time dinner with my supposed out of town guest was.  She left, but then my coworker who was going to pose mentioned that we had to wait until she was done with her shift.  Oops.  That meant I had to stick around for a while.  Which was fine by me, since I sure as hell wasn't going to go home and have my aunt talk to me.  I took some pictures and then decided to just chill on the lawn.

Little did I know I would have company.  A horde of kids taking pictures for the prom, or something like that, were all over the front of the library.  I decided to conserve my energy and just went and found a nice place under a tree to chill.  The same place I use when I'm on the route, funny enough.  I think I passed out a couple of times, which was good times.  I woke up, and noticed it was getting cold.  I decided to go inside the building.  My coworker was nearly ready, but I had to wait until 6pm.  Here I was thinking she was done at 5pm.  On our way out to the gallery I happen to see Curvy page taking pictures of the girls all dressed up for prom.  She is so fucking nice.

What can I say about the photoshoot?  Well, it went well, though I was thinking Ani was going to wear something else.  Still, I got what I wanted... her to be in front of the camera.  All it took was me mentioning that I had bought a new lens.  I took about 140 pictures of her.  I think she's hot, but of course the camera sees things a little differently than I do.  Still, not going to lie, Ani looked really nice today.

Sat May 21, Today was fucking bullshit at work.  I was asked to go in at 9am, no reason stated, but I figured it was to work on the furniture sale.  As predicted all the good items were bought yesterday.  I go up and MicroManager is upstairs working the sale.  She tells my coworker to tell me the details.  She doesn't go over them herself.  The library doors open and some people filter upstairs for he sale.  I saw one couple make a quick walk around the furniture on display in what was at most three minutes.  They were out the door in less than ten minutes.  A woman comes up and says she's interested in a piece of furniture downstairs, that's NOT for sale.  Of course.  After that woman left there was nothing.  No one came up, and I ended up looking at the Life magazines they had for sale.  There were some pretty cool pictures.  MicroManager can't see someone not working for a second, so she tells me that she can't find a phone upstairs.  Because of the upcoming construction in that upstairs area some of the phones have been taken out.  I looked in the back office, something she could have done herself, and found one.  She calls downstairs and I walk away.  I go back to the magazines and she comes out from the back and tells me that since there isn't anything to do I should go downstairs.  No direction as to what I'm supposed to do.  I head downstairs, thinking it's a better place to go than to just spend the next nearly four hours next to MicroManager.  Wrong.

I am told by Jr. that MicroManager told her I should shelve books.  Now why MicroManager couldn't tell me that when I was upstairs I'm not sure.  OK, so I'm shelving books now.  I don't actually know where many of the books go, since I haven't shelved a book since the renovation started.  Furthermore it's a dumb task, meant to waste time.  So I took it as that kind of a task and didn't do it fast.  By around 12:30 I had shelved one and a half trucks of books.  Not fast at all.  That works out to barely a truck of books an hour.  I was OK with that, but when I went to get another truck I remembered I had to renew a friend's books.  I went to the computers in the front and renewed the books.  Jr. comes out from the back and tells me, "Go to the back."  I told her I was just renewing my books.  She follows me to the back and this is when I tell he what she got all mad about and went and ran to MicroManager like a bitch.

I tell her, "I have no idea what I'm doing here, I should just go home."  Without saying a word she turns around and leaves the circulation area.  I turn and go find a truck of books to continue shelving until 1pm.  At which time there were plans to go out the lunch with Emma, Mo and TheDesire.  I get out to the main floor and from the second floor I see Jr. mouthing, "Go home," as she points towards the front entrance.  We both reach circulation at the same time and she's still saying go home but adds, "Clock out... now."  I tell her, "I know you think this is a punishment, but it isn't."  I go and "clock out" and fill out my time card.  It's now 12:35pm and I say, "I'll put down I finished at 12:30... that's three and a half hours."  Jr. doesn't say a word.  I leave, happy as a clam.  Fucking cocksucking idiots.  Later Oz texts me and asks me what happened.  I tell him really quick and I leave.  He later sent me another text saying that MicroManager came down later and told Jr. that she shouldn't have sent me home, but that Emma and I could have switched and I could have been on the desk.  Whatever, I didn't want to be there today.  I think the frustration of waking up early, having to deal with that special delivery on Thursday and subsequent shortened dinner break, and having to shelve books into already packed shelves got to me today.  Not to mention idiot Jr. barking out orders and commanding me to go to the back when she could have just reminded me I wasn't on the desk.  It all came to a head.

I have no idea what is going to happen when I return to work on Tuesday.  I know for sure that I won't ever speak to Jr. again.  She crossed a line today.  She was in a mood for some reason, and she snapped when I said what I did.  I was frustrated by the bullshit that rules that place.  Like I said, it came to a head and not sorry that I said what I said.  I was being honest.  The fact that she had to go crying to mommy is not surprising.  She counts on that connection with MicroManager, because otherwise no one likes her.  Not that anyone likes MicroManager or Jr. anyway.  But at least she has her work, and protection under MicroManager.  I keep telling my buddy there will be a reckoning soon.  I do feel it in the air.  I only wish I had a full time job to move to, or that I would win the lotto (though I never play), or that people wanted to buy my photography, so that I could go in there one day soon and tell them to, "Suck my big, black dick."  Because it would mean I would walk away clean.  That place is so horrible.

With that I had the rest of my day to myself.  Well, after lunch with the gang.  We were planning on going somewhere before the whole Jr. telling me to go home thing.  I stuck around and waited for my coworkers.  Before I go too far with that I want to bring up that I made TheDesire cry today by sending her a link to a video about Hopper's painting "Nighthawks."  Which is a favorite of mine.  In the video the narrator talks about the themes in the painting, including many that were reoccurring themes in Hopper's paintings, such as loneliness and isolation.  This is something that TheDesire is struggling with these days.  Her "veneer" is so thin these days that she can't hold back.  I think this explains nearly all of us at the library these days.  Maybe that's why Jr. snapped.  Whatever, other subject.

TheDesire became emotional, but didn't break, though I could tell it was difficult to not just burst.  I wanted to hug her at that moment, not as a man, but as a friend.  Someone who understands what she's going though, slightly.  Boy, all this today.  I became emotional when I talked to TheDesire about art, and why Hopper's work is some of my favorite in art.  I do want to reach out to TheDesire, but she is vulnerable and any move by me would come off as me trying to take advantage of the situation.  Strangely I don't want that to be the way I win over TheDesire.  I want it, for lack of a better word, organic.  Though I know it won't ever happen that way.  I know this isn't a story that's going to end up with her and I together.  No, the story of her and I will be one of friendship.  Just like all the woman I have been with, and haven't been with.  They all end up in friendship.

Lunch with the gang was anticlimactic after me being told to go home.  Still, it was nice to be there with TheDesire and Emma and Mo.  Good people in a horrible place.  I know that my buddy Vagabundo has stated that he's not sure about Emma, and I think his judgement is good.  But I guess maybe from my experience Emma is OK.  Sure, she's a girl and has a big mouth.  But I truly think her heart is in the right place.  That being said, I did tell Mo to not trust any of those fools.

After lunch I got in my car and decided I didn't want to go straight home.  I decided to drive up to Franklin canyon, and then drive home on Mulholland drive.  There isn't much to add to that.  Franklin canyon was full of people, and I didn't stay too long.  Just long enough to get some pictures, but I really didn't want to deal with people at that moment.  I just wanted to get away.

This is where Mulholland drive comes in.  I needed that drive today.  I needed to be away, and thankfully idiot Jr. facilitated me leaving work early.  Fucking moron.  I really need to get out of that place.

I got home, checked out the house next door, and then passed out after feeling sleepy.  I really wish I didn't ever have to see MicroManager and Jr. and the rest of those motherfuckers.  They are really the worst people I know.

Sun May 22, It was busy in the library today.  Nevertheless, it was kinda quiet on the reference desk.

I went to dinner tonight with a patron turned friend.  During dinner he mentioned how he thinks that all women have a check list.  If you don't fit that checklist you don't qualify to DAY June them.  Because ultimately men to them are just a "meal ticket."  My word, not my friend.  But it did make me think about how when I asked TheDesire out the FIRST reason she gave me why she wouldn't go out with me was because I wasn't Armenian.  I may have had other qualities that were on her checklist, but that fucking first thing disqualified me forever.  Like I've said before, it's her loss.  History will back me up on that.

I bought a dumbbell a few days ago, and it arrived in the mail yesterday.  I figure it's time that I work on my arms.  I want to some "guns."  Not for any ladies, but for me.  I want to have some muscles. 

Mon May 23, I went to bed relatively early last night, at midnight.  For me that's early.  Nevertheless, I woke up feeling super tired.  Then my cousin's kids show up as I'm about to take a shower.  I don't know what is going on, but all I hear is screaming from the three girls.  I know my cousin's husband doesn't want to be home to get nagged at in the morning, and that's why he comes early.  I already mentioned this in a previous entry.  It just drives me nuts.  Ah, but soon it will be summer break!

Work was pretty good today.  I got a lot of things done, including finding a book that my coworker couldn't find for a patron.  The patron was saying she was looking for a book that was mentioned on the radio a while back.  She couldn't remember the name of the book, or the author's name.  But she did know what it was about.  My coworker struggled to find something, but then I went online to find it.  I knew I would.  I tried several terms and finally found something that I thought might fit the bill.  Sure enough the patron thought it might be the book in question.  I gave her the name, checked if we had it (we didn't), and sent her on her merry way.  Good times.

During my lunch break another coworker was saying how if you ask Siri what zero divided by zero is you get a cool answer.  Of course I asked, and the above picture shows you the answer.

I'm going back to my office to get some things done when I notice on my phone that Glendale has called me.  I wonder if it has to do with what happened on Saturday.  I go to the back office in circulation and prepare for the worst.  It turns out MicroManager wanted to let me know that she put me down or five hours on Saturday, despite the fact that I only worked three and a half.  Strange, but OK.  Then she asked if I was busy tomorrow morning.  She wanted me to start work at 11am.  I said I was fine with that.  Then she said that if I didn't want to work until 10pm Tuesday that it was fine with her, since the library is quiet at night.  I didn't commit to anything, since she told me to just think about it.  OK.  Lastly she said she wanted me to start early on Thursday as well, perhaps as early as 8am.  She said we could play that start by ear, since they wanted me to move some stuff with the van to city hall.  Hmm.  I wondered why she was so nice.  For MicroManager this is nice.  My beef was not with her at all.  It wasn't even with Jr.  It was with the situation.  Jr. blew up and did something stupid.  My beef is with her because of her attitude.  No way I'm speaking to her again about anything other than work.  She could have said go home nicer.  But no.  So she can eat shit.  I was happy to go home, but the way she did that was dumb and petty and she will pay for it.  We shall see for real how things are tomorrow.

On my way to work I was talking to my buddy about some stuff, including how Emma thinks he has a girlfriend.  I told him that this was a good time to do our disinformation campaign.  He told me to not tell him the details, but I told him what I did.  I told Emma that I thought he was seeing someone, but that I wasn't sure.  I just, "Had a feeling," he might be seeing someone.  I also added that I would find out.  Of course I won't find out, because I know.  But one line in Emma's texts was telling.  She said, as you can see above, that if Vagabundo can find someone than anyone can.  That's pretty jacked up to say.  You might as well say the same thing about me... about Emma... about TheDesire... about Dole... about Snow.  About all of us.

Tue May 24, MicroManager wanted me to start at 11am today.  She wanted me to help out with moving more stuff.  I only worked that assignment for a couple of hours.  After that worked an impromptu furniture sale.  Argh, that fucking furniture sale.  And I had to work it with MicroManager.

When I arrived this morning I wondered how things would be with Jr.  I didn't take more than a few steps before I looked back into the library and she was there in the distance.  Just great.  I was able to avoid her for most of the morning.  However, later I had to go down to circulation, and that's when I ran into her.  She was grouped together with MicroManager and Achee.  The three hens were clucking about something.  Jr. saw me and asked me if I was still going on my trip.  She gave me a HUGE smile with those fake teeth she has.  I answered, "Yes," in as deadpan a voice as I could.  At that moment I felt something was fishy about this whole thing.  Couple that moment with MicroManager calling me yesterday and adding that I could claim five hours for Saturday, despite only working three and a half.  No thanks lady.  My buddy said it right, it's a bribe.  Fucking shit.  I don't play those games.  They can keep their bribe money.  I worked three and a half hours and that's all I'm claiming for Saturday.  I don't want them having anything over me.  If they're setting me up, fuck that!  I'm not going down that road.

During the time I was moving boxes in the morning I made a turn and suddenly felt a horrible pain in my lower back.  Like a pinch, a cramp mostly.  The pain only got worse throughout the day.  During my lunch I took some pain meds, and that seemed to make it feel better.  But once they wore off the pain came back with a vengeance.  And of course MicroManager was sympathetic, but never did she ask if the pain was so great that I needed to go home.  She wasn't going to go down that road again.  I championed through the pain, though in hindsight I think I shouldn't have.

When I first looked at my schedule today I was only schedule for three hours, from 11am to 2pm.  But the next time I looked it was completely filled in until 10pm.  And here I was nursing this back pain, which didn't let up after the meds wore off.  I honestly don't know how I made it the rest of the night.  They gave me a chair to sit in during my last two hours on the desk, but it didn't help.  It only made my back pain worse.  Still, somehow I survived.  I honestly don't know how.  I went home and put on a heating pad, and put on some of those medicated pads for body aches.  I went to bed hoping that tomorrow I wouldn't feel any pain.

Wed May 25, Work was pretty chill, despite the fact that I was still dealing with some residual back pain.  Before going to work I stopped off at the store to get some meds and some of those patches.

Pseudo supervisor was checking up on my work and found that I entered two donations wrong.  Not bad for having over a hundred entries.  But it should be perfect.  However, when looking for something I found that I had about seven donations that I didn't enter AT ALL.  I quickly entered them into the computer and sent the thanks you out today.  I felt so stupid.

During my last hour on the desk some old friends/patrons came into the library today.  A nice elderly couple that I hadn't seen in years.  I like these people.

After work I went to TheGirl's for dinner.  She suggested we try a place in Studio City called the Fox and the Hound on Ventura.  She finds places that are dog friendly, and supposedly this place has a dog friendly policy.  But of course we have to eat on the patio.  Which was fine.  The place is a bit of a dive, what what do you expect from an English pub?  The drinks, as TheGirl later told me, were inexpensive.  Though my Manhattan was far from being good.  It was passible.  The Gimlet was better, but also not great.  The same can be said for the food.  TheGirl ordered a vegetarian shepard's pie, which she said was good.  But she didn't finish it.  I finished my fish and chips, but that's because I ordered only one fish (pictured below).  The salad was OK, and the fries were good.  Overall, meh.

On our way back to her place TheGirl apologized for the dinner tonight.  Hey, we have to try it before we know if it's good or not.  I'm OK with that concept.  I was too busy playing with Chan and taking the picture above to really care about the food.  I had a good time, and that's what counts.

Thu May 26, MicroManager told me last week that she wanted me to start early today in order to make one of my special deliveries.  This time I was to take some things from the storage area to the city clerk's office.  But it wasn't really the clerk's office, it turned out to be the old police department, which now serves as a storage area as well as sometime filming backdrop.  I arrived early and loaded what I could into the van.  The one thing that I couldn't load alone was a bust of President Eisenhower, which easily weighed about 150 pounds.  It was made out of solid marble.  Among the various items was the above portrait of the mayor in question and the city counsel at the time.  Let me say for a moment how crazy my schedule looks today.  I start at 8am and finish at 10pm.  NO ONE else in that library has a schedule like mine.  I arrive with some people and watch them leave and I'm still at work.  FOR HOURS!  I watch others arrive hours after I leave and they sometimes leave before me, and sometimes with me.  But think about how crazy being there from 8am to 10pm is in reality.

After the special delivery I went on the route.  The route was pretty standard, and actually on the easy side.  I needed a nice easy day at work.  At my second to last branch stop I ran into OGT, a librarian who tells it like it is.  He was there last weekend when I was told to go home.  He gave me the skinny on some details I didn't know about.  It turns out that Jr. got in some trouble for sending me home.  To the point that MicroManager had a "talk" with her.  No wonder she was all chummy on Tuesday.  She knew she fucked up, royally.  OGT went on to say that TheDesire has also been spoken to about her job performance.  TheDesire does seem to not take her job seriously these days, but I didn't realize she was "spoken" to because of her actions.  Makes sense, she's ALWAYS on her phone.  She is supposed to be on the desk for an hour after the other library has done their hour.  And she never tells the other librarian to take a break.  They have to remind her to cover their break.  This is bad news.  It means that her miserable feelings are interfering with her work.  Never a good thing.

I had this idea that I would be going home after the route.  That there was no way that MicroManager would schedule me until 10pm.  That notion died the moment I saw the schedule after coming back from my morning special delivery.  I figured that I would treat myself to someone for dinner to make up for having to work so late.  I hadn't been to Chipotle for months, not since before they were having problems with their food.  I will say that they didn't make my tacos quite like I was used to.  However, the tacos were still good.  It was also nice to watch a woman sitting across from me.  She had nice legs, though I never saw her face.  I didn't even care to see her face when I had a chance.  I just needed to look at her legs.  And that's what I got.  There are a lot of pretty women in this city, many of which are coworkers.  And yet I'm single.

Since the full timers don't have to be here tomorrow, or the rest of the weekend until Tuesday, left early tonight.  MicroManager tells me that it's just going to be Oz and me on the desk, and one page.  We didn't care, since we were alone, no bosses.  I texted TheDesire to ask her if she missed the library.  Sure, she answered.  Via text it's hard to read sarcasm, but for sure she was being sarcastic.  I wouldn't miss this place.  Oh, that reminds me, I had a moment with TheDesire before she left for the night.  A patron asked her what was the best cell phone plan.  She says to me, "How the hell am I supposed to know that," as she looked up cell plans in Consumer Reports.  "It's like when someone says they want the best vacuum cleaner... I just buy it," she continued.  I find her so physically attractive that I sometimes forget about all the stuff that keeps us apart.  The fact that she can't see past the ethnicity thing.  That she wouldn't give me a legitimate chance.  A very little part of me has this idea that I can still have a real moment with her.  That I might still kiss her some day.  It's not a realistic thought, but some dumb part of me still thinks I can at least have that with her some day.  Maybe it comes from the way she looks at me.  Maybe it comes from the idea that despite it all she would give me a chance if not for the ethnicity thing.  Ah, who the fuck cares.  I do think that I dodged a bullet.  Her emotional state right now is bad.  It would drag any relationship we would have down with it to a place where it might not survive.

Fri May 27, I woke up early this morning, but went right back to sleep after texting good morrow to TheGirl.  I woke up around 8am and slowly got out of bed.  I didn't feel any pain last night from that tweaked back, but this morning I woke up feeling stiff again.  Not good.  Still, a shower and moving around helped.  My aunt made me some breakfast and I slowly got ready for the trip.  I left home a little before 11am.  I made good time to Santa Barbara, despite some traffic.  I stopped off at the vista point that was closed the last time I drove up the 154.  I noticed they had a new display there.  Guess that's why it was closed.  I checked my phone for messages and a blast from the recent past was on my phone, that Vanessa girl.  She said she was sorry for not texting me for a long time.  Thus began a short bit of texting between us today.  Nothing much, I'm not as interested as I was a couple of months ago when I first met her.  She's a flake.

I arrived in Solvang at around 1pm.  I drove to my hotel and asked if it was too early to check in.  It was.  I left my car in the parking lot of the hotel, because the rest of the town was packed.  I walked and went the street.  I ended up at this store, that upstairs has a Hans Christian Andersen museum.  I checked both out, and continued walking around town.  I knew I had to kill about two hours.  The book featured was something that really gave me a laugh.

I walked down to a place in town that not too many people go to, the Elverhoj museum.  I've been here before with TheGirl, but this time I had my fancy camera and fancy lens.  It was good times.  In trying to get a picture of the front door I nearly cracked my head open.  Thankfully I didn't.  I bought a cup at the museum, and checked it out.  Not much has changed.  I then went back downtown, where I walked around some more.

When I was at the museum my stomach began to rumble, and I knew it was time to get some food.  I wasn't extremely hungry, but I knew I wanted to eat.  I went to a place I had scoped out, and that even my buddy had mentioned.  I ordered a pastrami sandwich.  It was really good.  I mean really good.  I ate half, finished off the fries, and kept the other half for later.  I knew I would get hungry before the end of the night.  Sure enough, as I was watching reruns of House I got hungry and ate the other half of the sandwich.  Damn good food.

After having a really great pastrami sandwich for lunch I went back to my room and naturally had a food coma nap.  I woke up about a couple of hours later, with the sun still up.  By the time I got out and took some pictures it was nearly 10pm.  It was nice to stroll the streets of Solvang without too many people around.  I couldn't help but remember my walk through town a few years ago with MontereyGirl on that now infamous trip.  Everything was closed, like tonight.  Still, this is how I like it.  Alone.

I went back to my room and for some reason found it necessary to check on my Glendale work email.  It turns out that Krishna gave birth.  I told my buddy via text that Krishna had given birth.  He told me that now it was her turn to suffer for her sins.  I can't disagree with that.  I remember my own mother telling me that when I had kids I would pay for my "sins."  Good thing I won't ever have children.

Sat May 28, I had a great lunch/dinner yesterday.  Today I figured I would go to another good food joint for breakfast, Paula's pancake house.  Well, it was not good.  It was just meh.  The sausage wasn't that good, and it was not super warm.  The eggs were OK, though the hash browns were pretty good.  I was disappointed overall though.  I probably won't be going back.  What I should have done is eaten at that Succulent Cafe again.  Oh well, next time.  Maybe TheGirl will want to stop by there on our way up to Big Sur in August.

After breakfast I decided to walk around town one last time and take some photographs while the streets weren't too crowded.  I think from now on I'm going to do things super early in the day when I go on these trips.  I fucking hate having to interact with a bunch of buffoons.  I just want to enjoy my time off and check out the sights.  Alas, that doesn't always happen.

Case in point, my ruined trip to the Santa Barbara Botanic Garden.  After taking the pictures of Solvang I checked out of the hotel and drove down to Santa Barbara via the 101.  I went directly to the botanic garden.  I parked my car and just as I did a group of what must have been fifty college kids all gathered feet from my car (pictured above).  I fucking knew that they would be all over the garden during my visit.  At that moment I didn't want anything to do with that place.  I waited until they all left my immediate area and drove off to get some gasoline for the trip home.

I needed to pee, and also get the bad taste out of my mouth about the botanic garden.  I drove closer to downtown and filled up the tank.  Then I went to Alice Keck park.  A place I've been to a few times before.  I mainly picked that spot because I knew I could find a bathroom to pee.  But I also wanted to photograph the place with my new lens.  Ultimately it sucks that I couldn't photograph the botanic garden.  But, I don't want to deal with people these days, so there was NO WAY I would go into that garden with all those punk college students there.

With the photos taken of the park I hit the road for home.  It was a pretty good drive, not much traffic.  I arrived home, gathered my things for the laundromat and went on my merry way after a short rest.

I'm having to go to the laundromat because our sink at home is clogged and that's where the water drains from the washing machine.  I told my aunt that I would be back from the trip earlier enough to do the laundry.  She left me the clothes already separated, and I just had to take them to get washed.  It was an easy process, at least the washing part.  The machine did the work.  I just sat there and watched.  This laundromat was pretty nice.  Good machines, and it didn't take long.  They even have a service that will do the wash for you.  Good to know.

I came back home from the laundromat and eat some food I bought at McD's.  I got home and I put the semi-wet clothes in the dryer.  I finished up eating and the dryer sounded that the cycle was done.  I went about folding the clothes, when TheDesire started texting me.  She was reacting to the photo I posted on IG of the laundromat (shown above).  What followed was an exchange that lasted for a while.  She mentioned how she hates going to work.  How she doesn't give much of an effort there.  How she's throwing things away and tidying up her room.  I liked that she reached out to me because of that photo.  But I have to remember it doesn't mean anything deeper.

I'm lucky that this life of mine has brought many more highs than lows.  I can't lie and say that the lows were not the bottom of a deep well.  I dare also say that knowing the Universe there will be more lows to come.  But overall I have to say that I'm on the positive side of the equation.  Tonight's texting exchange with TheDesire reminded me that I have been lucky to have some remarkable and beautiful women in my life.  I also know that I can't live in the past.  TheDesire is someone I wanted a future with.  TheGirl is someone I have a past with, and wanted a future with in that past.  There may yet come a day when I end up with one of them, or with neither of them.  I'm certainly not holding my breath.  I'm just going to try and enjoy what I have in this life, despite the fact that every other human seems to feel the need to intrude on my plan.

Sun May 29, My texting TheDesire continued after I stopped journaling.  At one point, thanks to the booze, I told her about how my mother has been dead for nearly twenty years.  She opened up as never before and texted me the above.  It's said that in men that our fathers are our model for what a man is supposed to be.  In women it's said that fathers are the model of the men they want to be with.  In this case it would seem that TheDesire has displaced her father with her brother.  I suppose because in her mind her brother is the mark of perfection.  She has canonized him, and now no man can ever live up to that ideal.  The more I get to know this side of TheDesire the more I want to be her friend, and only her friend.  She needs an actual friend in this world.  I know that part of me wants the whole thing with her... a romance.  But the way she is right now she's not going to be able to sustain that with me or any other man.  And at the end of the day I just want her to be happy.  Guess that's too much to ask in this world.

Work was kinda slow today.  Not too many questions, but the library was packed with people.  Most of them arriving later in the day.  It was good to have a nice cruise day where I could just chill at work.

I picked up a couple of pizzas on my way home, as per my aunt's request.  The place I went used to have good pizza.  Mind you, I'm talking OK pizza that sometimes rose above that to pretty good pizza.  These days the pizza is a shadow of what it was before.  It's just meh these days.  Still, free pizza is still free pizza.  I ate some slices, got into a food coma and passed out for about an hour before waking up.  Good times, for sure.  I was reflecting on my day, my weekend, my tiny trip.  I'm not very social when I go on these trips along, I've noticed.  Not that I would have made a friend for life on this trip, but going to a wine tasting place was something I talked about doing.  Ultimately I just wanted to stay in my room and drink.  How was that different from staying at home and drinking?  I'll tell you, it's a lot more expensive.  Still, I got away, took some pictures, and had a good time.

Mon May 30, Of course I had no intention of waking up at my normal wake-up time today.  I slept in as late as I could.  I got up, ate some leftover pizza from yesterday, and after talking to my aunt I went back to sleep.  I slept until around 3pm, than I got up, at again and basically spent the rest of the day watching videos online, and then TV at night.  That was the extent of my day.

That Vanessa girl texted me again today.  Course now that I've given up on her she's texting me.  Wonder if this is a "sign" that I should see if she's free.  At the very least I should see if she will pose for me.  Meh.  It's not a priority.

I'm wondering where I should go on my next trip.  I liked going to Solvang, even though it was a short trip and I really didn't do much besides visit a couple of museums and walk the streets.  I didn't even go wine tasting.  I think if I was with a girl I would have done more.  But I had fun.  And it was nice to be away.  My next trip is definitely the Big Sur trip with TheGirl and her daughter (and Chan of course).  What I'm wondering is if I should revisit the idea of going up to San Francisco during Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving being the best time of the year for me to take an extended vacation.

Tue May 31, As typical of my work days, I worked a lot of hours today.  I worked from 10am to 10pm.  I was originally scheduled to have a dinner break from 5pm to 8pm.  But when I arrived before 5pm MicroManager told me that she changed the schedule.  Seems someone was missing, and that meant I had to cover that time.  My three hour break disappeared and I only had a one hour break in its place.  That really sucked, but at least the route was pretty good today.  Because of the holiday weekend some of the branches haven't caught up yet, so I didn't get a huge amount of books going to the branches.  The van was still packed, but not as much as when my buddy drove last week.  Coming from the branches was another story.  Still not too bad.  Best part of my day was once again enjoying the wonderful weather and having part of my lunch in the park.  Ahhh!

After I finished my route and had my abbreviated dinner I came back to work and worked the phones.  After doing that and checking in stuff for an hour it was time for me to go on the front desk.  Of course the full timer that supposed to help me disappears on me, though at least this time it was because they were actually doing something.  Still, I was all alone on the desk and it became pretty busy.  Thankfully two of the reference librarians, who had experience on the desk having worked at the branches, helped me out.  They only helped out maybe four patrons, but of course MicroManager sees that and openly asks why they are helping me.  Ah, because I NEED FUCKING HELP.  They aren't doing it because they want to do my work.  They want to help me since I have a long line of people.  Thankfully John and TheDesire were witnesses to what MicroManager said, or they might not believe it.  Later I was texting TheDesire and she said she couldn't believe how she acted.

As I look over this journal in order to check if anything is missing I think about all the moments I've recorded over the last few months and years.  I've made this journal a priority.  I find that I NEED to record all this.  The other day TheDesire said she was throwing things away.  Movie tickets, she mentioned specifically.  I wanted to ask her if she would throw away the movie tickets of the movies we saw together, which was two movies exactly.  But those two nights to me were special.  I loved spending that time with her.  Of course I wrote about those nights, and recorded them here.  I don't know who will end up reading all this, if anyone.  However, if you do read this I hope that I have brought you to an understanding of what my life was when I wrote these things.  I certainly want to convey what I was thinking and feeling at the time.  The timelessness of death seems like more of a real thing as the years seem to fly by.  I'm going to be forty-four this year.  By many measures I will not likely live another forty-four years.  If I'm lucky I will, but that means half my life is past.  And that also means my life was but a blink in the history of not just humanity, but the world.  I'm coming to peace with that understanding.  As long as I can keep filling these pages with my narrative, I'm OK with it all ending some day.

Here are a couple of items that I couldn't find another place for.

JLo still has a great body.  The image above is a screen cap from a recent music video she made.  Not going to lie, her body looks awesome in this music video.  Just amazing.

A few weeks ago I had a Tuesday morning off, so I decided to head to Disneyland.  I hadn't been to the park in a few weeks at that point, so I wanted to go.  I had thought of eating a Monte Cristo, but then decided to try some food at the new River Belle.  It's not new in that the restaurant has been there for many years.  But now it's a sit-down restaurant, and that is different.  I ordered the pulled pork sandwich, which was good, but not the best I've had.  I definitely recommend it.

Years ago I used to go to the Bob's Big Boy on Van Nuys Blvd.  My favorite meal there was a fish sandwich that was SO good.  That Big Boy closed and my favorite fried fish sandwich was gone forever, so it seemed.  That is until I went to dinner with TheGirl a couple of weeks ago and saw that the Big Boy in Toluca lake was now serving a fish sandwich.  I tried it, and it was good.  The last meal I had at Bob's was just meh, but not this fish sandwich.  It was good.

The weather was so nice one day that I decided that I needed to have a picnic.  I searched online for the best places to have a picnic in Los Angeles.  One place that showed up on multiple searches was this place, Amir's garden in Griffith park.  On a nice morning I decided to spend the morning trying to get to the garden.  I'm glad I did, because turned out to be an oasis in the city.  There was only one other person at the garden, probably because it was the middle of the week.  I will return to this oasis.

I went up to the Getty Center a few weeks ago to check out the Mapplethorpe exhibit.  The Getty Center always yields some good photos.  This one is of the building by the entrance.  This is a great city to live in.

Taken on May 3, 2008, during my first and last visit to my Father's grave in Bakersfield.  My father and I didn't have the best of relationships.  During the funeral I didn't cry until I thought about my Grandmother.  While her death represented one of the biggest hurts in my life, and also the biggest change.  My father's death was anticlimactic.  During this visit his common law wife wanted me to sign some papers, thinking that I had some sort of claim on the house she owned with him.  I didn't, but she kept on insisting that I visit.  I did, and I didn't have to sign any papers.  They took me to see his grave, and as I stated before, this was the first and only time I have.  He made a new family, apart from my mother and me.  Those people loved him.  I loved him because I had to, not because he was there for me.  I messed up a lot of things between us, but our relationship was doomed from the start, I think.  It was tainted from the start with that "original sin" of how he treated my mother.

Taken on May 15, 2011, while on the Gold line on my way to work, this photo is of a time when I didn't have a car.  My journey to work my 1pm to 5pm shift would begin early in the morning, because it would take me about three hours to get to work from home.  It was an exhausting time to be sure.  Mind you, it would also take me about three hours to get home after work.  I would spend more time commuting to work than I actually spent working.  The commute would leave me tired and frustrated.  I'm thankful that I don't have to get to work on the bus any more.

Taken on May 19, 2008, less than six months into my new job the woman that hired me passed away.  The library held a memorial service for her in the library that she helped build.  I have heard some "horror" stories about her since that time, but to me she will remain the person that hired me.  And that can't make her all that bad.  Also, the people that she hired all seemed to be like me.  They worked well as a team, with no drama.  I think that alone is a testament to her judgement, if nothing else.