I can say one thing about the month of June, it went by fast.  Now, on to the update.

Wed June 1, I can't believe it's already June.  Pseudo supervisor and I spoke a lot about dying relatives and parents today.  It just reminds me of my Grandmother's passing so much.  I'm not sure why this is coming up now, but it shows that the wound of losing her is still a painful one.

My desk shift in the afternoon was quite busy.  I had to proctor a test, and then there was my coworker dealing with a hand carry passport.  Two of them.  But then there was a nice little moment with the girl above.  I was standing at the circulation desk and she playfully poked me.  I've found her attractive since the first day I saw her.  I never thought to make a pass at her, because these days that thought doesn't come to my mind.  By default I don't make passes at any woman.  Why bother, I figure.  Maybe it's time to change that thought and make my default that I DO flirt with every woman I meet.  There are two coworkers, one at each job, that I need to really ramp up my flirting on.  Both would be a good time.

TheGirl and I went to dinner and ate a couple of burgers.  She told me that she did in fact renew her Disneyland pass.  I'm considering renewing in September, but my new thought would be to renew at a lower level.  But what I also want to do is see perhaps what days I might have off during the year.  I haven't been there in about a month, and I feel that going by myself isn't as fun as it used to be.  I'm annoyed by the crowds of people, and I'm spending a lot of money to have the privilege of spending more money on food and booze.  I'm really thinking it might not be worth it to buy the big pass.  But, at least if I get a lower pass I can get one that would allow me to go with TheGirl.  She could go probably a half dozen times, tops, during the next year.

Dinner was nice.  The place we went tonight is a burger place that I've been to in Santa Monica.  I've noticed that they tend to overcook my burgers when I say I want them medium.  They always come out looking like they were cooked well done, rather than medium.  If we go back I have to remember to order them medium rare.  I can't remember any big revelations from tonight.  It was just a pleasant dinner with TheGirl.  It was nice to die outside, and the good thing about TheGirl's separation anxiety with her dog is that we are eating outside.  I just had a thought though.  This dining outside is going to be fine now that it's warm.  What happens when the weather changes and it's Fall and Winter?  Hmm.

Thu June 2, I got into work and MicroManager was close behind me.  She saw me and asked me to come to her office.  I first thought that she was going to mention that I was going to be driving every Tuesday in June, but she surprised me by telling me something else.  She told me that two of the branch managers told her that I talk to much while I'm on the route.  I don't know who told her that, but I will find out.  Suffice to say, she said that I'm not dumb, and that I should know better.  She was actually nice about it, because I FUCKING DO MY JOB.  I dedicated the rest of my route to not talking to anyone.  Dole, at her stop, even said to me when I was in and out, "Are you leaving already?"  I told her that I had to use the restroom, but I only went there to wash my hands and take some of the sweat off my face.  I then left without saying a word to her or Snow.  I didn't want to deal with them today anyway.

The good side of this silent mode is that it did give me more time at the end of the day.  I ended the route nearly an hour before my usual time.  That means next week I can take a longer lunch.  By as much as a half hour!  Yeah, I see the upside to not talking to these dopes at work.  Like more time chilling on the lawn.

I finished up the route early and killed a little time outside the fire department.  I then went to Central and did what I do there, and then I heated up my dinner and went to the car.  The nap I took was a much needed one.  If only I didn't have to stay at work so late.  Fucking sucks.

I saw TheDesire this morning when I was walking back to the van.  She was a vision.  I wasn't even sure it was her.  But, one look at her behind as she crossed the street told me that it was her.  The photos above will have to somehow represent how I saw her tonight.  She was an absolute vision.  Her hair looked great, and it's long.  I mean super nice!  Her body was just so in my face today, especially her behind.  I do love her butt.  I dream of it just sitting on my face and me being able to feel every little goosebump on my face.  ARGH!

The second half of my shift I had to work with Jr.  It was a fucking joke.  She acted nice towards me.  I didn't want to be there.  Especially with the heat.

I start walking to my car with Dane in tow and just as I turn the corner to enter the garage I spot the gang that went out tonight.  This includes: Emma, Dole, TheDesire, one of the girls from the Montrose branch we call Anna2, and Jack, a guy from LITS.  When I saw him from a far I didn't know it was him yet.  My first thought was, "That's TheDesire's new guy, I bet."  My heart sunk, and I knew at that moment that my want to believe that I was over her was just a belief.  I still desire her.  I was thinking last week that perhaps I could make this friendship thing work with her.  To truly JUST be her friend.  But that desire to be with her is still strong inside me.  I tried fooling myself into thinking it wasn't, but it is.

I have to figure out a way to actually purge these feelings for TheDesire.  It's not going to do me any good to have them.  What good has these feelings done for me since I've started to have them?  None.  Unless there was some way to change her mind about things there is zero chance that we'll be anything but friends.  I know that.  Then why do I still hold out some hope that things will change?  Because I'm an idiot.

Fri June 3, At my Glendale job MicroManager told me that Vagabundo only had about a hundred hours left in his total for the fiscal year.  That prompted me to find out where I was for the year at both of my jobs.  Today I found out that I only have thirty-five hours left in my allowed hours for the fiscal year at San Marino.  The boss told me that I could go over my hours, but of course the priority is to not go over.  That means that my total hours per week during the month of June is just under nine hours.  I crunched the numbers just now to see how I could manage this, and I have already worked twenty-one hours this week.  How the hell am I going to only work the the remainder of the hours when I still have three weeks left in this month?  The boss did tell me that I can go over, but I'll try not to.

As I left work I started a texting conversation with TheDesire.  During that conversation she asked me what you see above, why am I not dating anyone.  I basically said that it's not a priority, and the reality is that it is not.  Of course if she had accepted going out with me it would be a priority.  I would be focused on our relationship.  Alas, it wasn't meant to be and here I stand single as can be.  It really isn't a priority.  I know that I wrote in a previous entry that I need to make some moves on a pair of coworkers, but really that's because I would like to sleep with them.  A relationship is a WHOLE other thing.  I'm not sure I want to spend that much time on something like that, except if TheDesire was interested.  Then she would be the focus.

The news just showed that Muhammad Ali died today.  Ali was an athlete that transcended sports.  He was above all else a man of his faith.  I didn't watch him fight until years after his fights.  What I saw was a fighter like no other.  Big, fast, and full of heart.  His determination matched his skills and made him the greatest there ever was.  On the political side of things he stood up for his beliefs, even when it would have been easy not too.  There are few athletes that I would consider a personal hero, but Ali is one of them.  He was unique, and the greatest.

Sat June 4, About a month ago MicroManager comes to me and tells me that she wants me to start at 9:30am today.  I was to drive the children's librarian somewhere.  Little did I know that it was to city hall, which is a ten minute walk from the library.  I don't actually know why the librarian needed me to drive her over there.  Well, I did take a couple of chairs and a table with me, just in case she needed it at her destination.  Still, a simple phone call saying to the organizers of this thing at the police department (where this meet and greet even was actually being held) would let her know if the table and chairs would be needed.  In short, it was strange that MicroManager had me come early in order to drive two people down the street and pick them up again a few hours later, when they could have easily walked over there.  I didn't mind, I made a few extra bucks.  But I didn't just deliver them, after dropping them off I had to deliver a huge box that was actually three boxes together.  The boxes were book trucks for Montrose.  The box was huge, but not heavy.  I took my time taking up to Montrose.  I should have taken more time, but I couldn't milk it too much.

I parked the van in front of the library, like so many of my other coworkers park their city vehicles, and went into the library to work.  It was fucking hot inside, 84 degrees to be exact when I took the above picture.  This was the grind part of the day.  Just grinding it out, big time.  Jr. was trying to be all nice to me, but wasn't buying it.  I tried to act civil and nice, but I didn't engage her too much.  It was hard to maintain that facade, considering the heat was melting me.

I got the word from MicroManager that the children's librarian was ready to come back.  I drove over to city hall and picked them up.  I mention this because that's when I was able to get the above picture of Gen page's butt.  I'm such a terrible pervert for taking these photos.  But like I was telling my buddy the other day, I have this compulsion to record everything in my life.  This includes these little trivial things, because quite frankly I have to put this worts and all.

Sun June 5, At the beginning of the day I decided to wear my jeans, because I knew that today I would need to be comfortable at work.  Sure enough, it was super hectic just as we opened.  No Pablo meant that I had to deal with the patrons all by myself.  Especially since T was going to be busy with Summer reading projects.  It was up to me to keep the ship afloat.  I was answering questions left and right.  I even had a trouble patron handled.  The dopey patron kept asking me to help her with printing.  The last time she asked me the absurdity of her questions finally got to me and I burst out laughing.  She even asked me, "What's so funny."  She had sent a print job to the printer queue, but could not be patient.  She sent it again, and I told her that both of the print jobs would be there waiting for her.  Sure enough, they were, and that's why I was laughing.  After that her time stealing powers were diminished, and the rest of the shift was smooth sailing.

Things calmed down enough that I was even able to cruise until the end of the shift.  There were two really pretty girls today.  One was this girl in grey.  She was damn pretty.  She came up to ask me where a certain book was after I watched her circle the reference desk a couple of times looking for it.  Of course I was able to find it.  The second girl had such a great pair of legs.  She was in the study area.  When she walked out her body was revealed to me, and it looked amazing.  Those two made my day after having had a really tough couple of hours on the desk.

Brent's in the valley has, by far, the best pastrami that I've had the pleasure of eating.  My buddy suggested we get some dinner after I got off work.  We agreed on Brent's.  I'm glad, because it had been a year since I had been there with him.  The pastrami sandwich is a fucking masterpiece.  The first time I ate that sandwich I found it to be near a religious experience.  I had to hold back the tears, because that first bite was like heaven.  Tonight's sandwich was no different.  After dinner Vagabundo and I went back to my house to chill and drink.  Quite a few "real moments" tonight.

I love TheDesire.  That and a pair of quarters will get you a phone call these days.  I don't know where the above photo was taken, but she will tell it to me if I ask.  But I shouldn't even care, because she is a dope, in my opinion, to not give me a chance.  I'm certainly not perfect, but to know me is to know that when I commit I commit 100%.  Oh well.  How is it that TheDesire dominates this decade of my life?  This despite the fact that I was in love and had a relationship with TheGirl during this same decade.

Mon June 6, I somehow woke up on time this morning, despite having gone to bed at 2am.  I got into work and I was hitting on all cylinders.  I fixed the paper cutter that the teen volunteers "broke" while helping T with the summer reading program.  Then I went onto the reference desk to cover for my coworker, that needed to go to her son's school for a couple of hours.  The patron I helped wanted a map of Washington D.C. from back in 1860.  He wanted the old addresses labeled, and thanks to a quick search online I found my way to the Library of Congress online.  When I got here I knew that I could search that website to find a high resolution map. Sure enough, I did (shown above).  Like I said, I felt like I was hitting everything that was thrown at me out of the park.  My shift officially ended at 1pm.  I can't go over my hours too much, so I have to artificially work fewer hours, despite still having to be here at work.

T was nice enough to feed me today.  She was thankful that I pretty much took care of the library reference desk by myself yesterday.  It's nice to be appreciated.  I am doing a good job, and I'm glad that someone is able to see that I'm doing a lot of heavy lifting.  T bought me lunch from Veggie Grill, which I haven't really visited much in the last year.  When I was dating TheGirl we would go to Veggie Grill quite a bit.  But since then I haven't gone to that place but one time by myself.  Despite the fact that there are two of their restaurants within a short drive from both work and my home.

After lunch I went back to my office and tried to write some of this journal, but because I was sleepy from staying awake late last night I just passed out in the chair I was sitting in.  I figured that since I wasn't on the clock I didn't have to worry about what I did in the office.  A couple of hours later I woke up and did some stuff, like edit some of the pictures on this journal and watch some things online.  I really wish I had that chair up on the roof at times like this.

TheGirl told me about her mud run this weekend.  Not many details, but it looks like she had fun.  She had a really big scrap on her right leg from where she fell on some gravel.  It was nasty, but she's not feeling much more than a little sore.  She reminded me that I said I would help her out in October to look over Cheyenne while she's at her son's wedding.  I put it on my calendar.  I had forgotten I said I would check on Cheyenne, but I'm not worried.  I like that dog.

Tue June 7, I showed up to work and saw that the schedule showed that my buddy Vagabundo was still on the schedule, and that I wasn't on the schedule until 7pm.  MicroManager forgot to change the schedule.  So typical.  I told my buddy that maybe he should come in and do the route.  MicroManager didn't notice her mistake until after I started the second half of my shift, nearly 9pm.

The route itself was a typical Tuesday route, which means a lot of bins for the first three stops.  The van wasn't packed, but it was nearly full of bins.  Today was the first time I got to take my extended lunch break as well.  I figured that it would be best to chill until 2:45, no matter what time I arrived at Brand.  This means that I would have a nearly two hour lunch.  It was just short of that, and I think that on Thursday I will leave a few minutes earlier than 2:45pm.  Maybe 2:40.  I say that because I did find that I had to rush a little at the end of the route to get to the fire department and then back to base.

The route ended, but not on time.  MicroManager told me that one of the administrators wanted to see me.  The same lady that had me move all those boxes downstairs.  She wanted me to move some more things, and throw away some other things.  I went upstairs and talked to her.  On the way down I noticed that I wasn't feeling very well.  Not quite a dizzy feeling, but something like that, and weak.  MicroManager saw that I wasn't feeling well, and told me to go to dinner.  I took my food, but I didn't feel like eating.  I went to my car and slept nearly the entire two hour break.  I can't say I was 100% when I went back to work, but I did feel a lot better.  I felt that I could at least champion through.

As I just said, I was feeling better, but not great.  I took my time with the assignment of moving shit around.  It wasn't easy to deal with what I was feeling, as well as how hot it was upstairs.  I mean it was fucking hot.  Outside the library the evening air was cool, crisp even.  But inside it was hot and stagnant.  It was horrible, and I honestly don't know how my coworkers work under these conditions.  I actually started feeling much better by the time I ended moving all the crap.

As you can see from the above photos, the upstairs computer area is undergoing some changes.  Big time changes.

I nearly forgot, I had a nice little conversation with TheDesire just before I started to move stuff.  She later told me that her friend said she looks sad.  Not going to lie, when she turned around to talk to me as I stood in circulation, she did look sad.  I know that what I'm about to write might be my perception coupled with wishful thinking, but I think that TheDesire's face lit up when she was talking to me.  I know, it's dumb.  We have been down this road before... thinking I see something in her eyes that means something that I want it to believe.  Whatever.

The desk was slow tonight, and at one point I decided to check the incoming results of measure N, which if it had passed would mean that the city would have to cut many services, including the library.  The talk was that if it passed the city would only keep two of the libraries open.  I don't know if that would mean I would keep my job.  But certainly it wasn't ideal for it to pass.  Good thing is that it looks like it won't pass, and that means we all keep our jobs!  Woo hoo!

After a long day I talked to Dane for a few minutes, and then got going.  I got on the freeway and noticed a burning smell, and then my car started sputtering.  I was able to limp off the freeway at Forest Lawn drive.  I called the Auto Club and they picked me up and took my car to my house.  I got home at nearly midnight.  My aunt was still awake, probably wondering what was happening with me.  When I told her that my car broke down she didn't seem concerned.  Rather she went ahead and started to ask me about some paperwork for my Godmother.  I just couldn't take it any more and I just left her room without saying anything.  I just let out a big sigh.  I mean what the fuck!  I just got home after a long day coupled with a busted car, and all she can do is ask about bullshit?  She literally could not care less about my plight tonight.  No, "I hope you're OK."  No, "You've had a rough day."  She just keep her fucking mouth shut.  On my way back to my room I wondered again how I could get out of this house for a while.  I don't have the money to rent and pay my mortgage, but if I could find a way I would.  I just don't like her as a person these days.  She isn't horrible, but her actions are mean to me.

Wed June 8, Knowing that I had to get the car to the dealership early this morning I woke up early this morning.  I figured I could wake up, shower, eat, and call AAA to get the car to the dealer before 9am.  Sure enough, I did. 

It's kinda strange, because the week began difficult, what with manning the reference desk by myself on Sunday.  But I took the day's best shot and was still standing.  Monday I was hitting it out of the park.  Yesterday I was having a good route, but then I felt sick.  Then my car dies.  And today that good momentum feels like it's all gone... for the moment.

I'm writing this while I sit at the dealer, and the guy here just told me what the problem with the car is.  It's basically the same thing that happened last time, the engine coil.  It's going to cost a pretty penny.  Isn't that always the way?  Oh well, it is what it is.

I spent most of the day at the dealer, that is until my advisor told me that they will have to keep the car until Friday.  There's a part that they don't have.  Missing work today kinda sucked, but at the same time at least I didn't work those hours.  Hours I can't work anyway, since I've nearly gone over my hours.  By missing today it means I won't be back at San Marino until Sunday.  This is fine by me, since I have to deal with this bullshit.

I arrived at TheGirl's place before she did.  Naturally, since I was just up the road from her place.  I found a parking spot behind this one car, but the guy who parked there was a dope, because they didn't really leave enough room behind them.  I still parked behind the car, figuring that I would wait out the dopes that park in front of TheGirl's place that work at the car wash.  And sure enough, the dope that parked the car came out from the car wash.  When I saw him go to his car I figured it would be a matter of minutes and he would be gone and I could move my car up.  Nope.  This idiot opened both of the driver side doors and then just sat in his car for twenty minutes.  He ate an apple, then talked on the phone.  I mean he pretty much did everything but leave in a timely manner.  It was pure bullshit!  He finally drove off just a few minutes before TheGirl arrived.

Dinner was pretty chill.  TheGirl's landlord had given her a letter stating that she was raising her rent by fifty bucks.  TheGirl talked to her about it, and the landlord asked that she write her a letter asking for a smaller amount.  TheGirl didn't like having to do this, but I told her that she should because she didn't have anything to lose.  Sure enough, tonight she told me that the landlord agreed to only raise her rent by $25 a month.  It's not ideal, but way better than $50.  The dinner marked the return of the name TheChisel.  Turns out his truck or car or whatever has racked up a lot of parking tickets.  TheGirl mentioned this, and of course I knew that he had been around.  Whatever, it's none of my business at this point.

Thu June 9, The other night MicroManager told me she had a special delivery for me on Thursday.  What a surprise.  It was a bunch of little things that were found in storage, and they had me take them to city hall.  But the people there didn't know what I was talking bout.  I was ready to return the stuff to the library, when I thought it would be better if I called up the lady in charge of this and find out what the deal was.  She told me that the head librarian had emailed someone and that was all I needed for leverage.  I went back to the city clerk's office and told them about the email.  That's when they "remembered" about it and had no choice but to take the stuff to storage.  I figured that I had to do my diligence on this, and I did.  But I do love that no one knows anything about anything until I mention that there was an email exchange.  Suddenly they remember.  Bullshit!  I was taken to the same place I delivered the bust of Eisenhower last month.

My next couple of stops were uneventful.  Between Casa and Brand was where I got into trouble.  There is a lot of construction going on in the streets around the Brand library.  I think they're putting in new pipes.  They're almost done, but they still have to repave the streets.  This means lots of detours.  I got turned around and the next thing I know I'm having to head up into the hills to drive around a series of street closures that prevented me from driving in the direction of the library.  I ended up going up into the hills and wasting at least fifteen minutes driving around and around while I reconnected with a street that would take me to my next stop.

As if rolling around in the hills wasn't enough of a time waster I then had to deal with one of the repair crews parking where I usually park at Brand.  If I hadn't been late because of my hill trek, I would have beaten the guy to the punch and I wouldn't have to go find a different place to park.  I thought about waiting him out, but even though he retuned to his vehicle, the guy never turned over the engine.  I just backed out and parked the van in the regular parking lot.  I then went to chill under the usual tree I chill under during my lunch breaks.  Ah, but there were more obstacles.  The tree I usually sit under was occupied.  I decided to sit under the other big tree, which is close to the parking lot, and sits on a little bit of a hill.  Know what?  I loved this tree more.  It has better coverage from the sun, and the grass was plush and not damp.  Just perfect.  I had already eaten my lunch by the time I went back to the tree.  And even though I wasted so much time in the hills above Glendale, I still had nearly an hour to just lay on the grass and relax.  I suspect that come July I will have the same amount or more time to chill on the grass.

As I was leaving Grandview and going to my next stop Emma texted me.  She mentioned that she had something to say, but that she needed me to not tell anyone.  I reassured her that I wouldn't tell anyone.  I didn't know what to expect, and what I got was blindsided.  She told me that she was dating one of the IT guys, we'll call him Jackson.  Last week they hung out in a group hang, but that night he made a pass at her and she didn't say no.  They've been texting each other ever since.  And they hung out the next day and have hung out a few times since that day.  She seems to really like him, and in her texts she mentions how they don't know how to mention it to everyone.  I thought to tell her that it seems like she was getting ahead of herself, but she seemed to indicate that this is for the long haul.  Wow!  Emma wasn't sure how to bring it up to TheDesire, and that's because she told me that TheDesire told Jackson she liked him.  Of course, the Universe being cruel, he rejected her.  Here, all I've ever wanted since my break up with TheGirl, and Jackson rejects her, the object of my desire.  Just like that I felt bad for TheDesire.  She has mentioned liking someone and being rejected, and I told her that I knew all too well the sting of that moment.  Little did I know that it was so close to home.  Sad that none of us seem to make a move on the person we like.  But then again you have Emma, who does seem to have luck with the opposite sex.  Good for her, I say.  I told Emma to enjoy, and to not worry about TheDesire or anyone.  What counts is that she's happy.  Still, Emma worries about what it means to their friendship when TheDesire finds out.  I told her that TheDesire was a grown woman, and that she took her chance.  Jackson rejected her, and picked Emma.  Simple as that.  It has nothing to do with her, I told Emma.  Nevertheless, when this comes out it will be like an atom bomb falling on our circle of friends and coworkers.

When I came back from my dinner break TheDesire was on the front reference desk.  Her mane of hair, coupled with her beautiful face, made me risk getting in trouble for talking in order to have just a few moments with her today.  It was strange to know that she went to the guy in IT and told him that she liked him, and that he rejected her.  I was in her shoes, and it felt horrible.  And then the reality of how fucked up everything is came into my mind.  I liked her, she liked this other fool, and both of us were rejected.  And we are left to wonder what is wrong with us.  The IT guy is OK, and I had an notion that she might like him.  When I was working upstairs last month moving shit to the basement I would see her in his office and think to myself that she seemed happy to be there.  Her face was a little happier than when I would see her on the reference desk.  Now that information is confirmed.  And of course what Emma said about having to deal with this whole thing as a reality made me once again revisit the idea if it's worth it to wish TheDesire gave me a chance.  I'm still absolutely attracted to her.  I've admitted here that I'm still in love with the idea of being with her.  But that doesn't mean shit, because she doesn't like me.  I did have a dark thought tonight pertaining to all this.  What if TheDesire finding out about Emma and the IT guy made TheDesire give me a chance?  I would take it, but I would always wonder if her motivation was fueled by getting rejected by this guy, and then having Emma start a whole thing with him.

I was stuck working with Jr. tonight, which was fucking bullshit.  I put on my full silent mode tonight.  These fucking fools think I can't go more than a few minute without talking, but they are wrong.  I am used to the quiet, and can turn it off if I want to.  And since that little talking to I've not wanted to talk at all to these dopes at work.  The last couple of hours on the desk thankfully went by quickly.  A couple of times she tried to engage me in a conversation, but I did my best to keep it short by answering with short answers.  Jr. can eat shit!

Fri June 10, I woke up at my regular work time today in order to make it look good for my aunt.  I knew the car wouldn't be ready super early, so I figured that I would get the day started and be ready for when the dealer called.  I ate breakfast, and just went back to bed.  I was up until 3am last night fooling around on the computer, setting up that new camera system in the house, and finally jerking off.  I was tired.

I woke up from my nap at around noon.  By that time I noticed a call from a unknown number, several text messages from TheDesire and my buddy, and some other miscellaneous notifications.  The voicemail confirmed that it was the dealer, and that my car was ready.  I texted TheDesire and my buddy back, got my shoes on to get out the door.  Just then my aunt asks me if I'm going to work.  Yes, I tell her.  I'm not, but what business is it of hers?  Whatever, she doesn't deserve to know what I'm doing because she treats me like a piece of shit sometimes.  Case in point, moments after she asked me if I was working.  She says to me, "You don't work until 11pm."  I told her, "No, I get off at 10pm, and then it takes me some time to get here from work."  The rest is boring, but I'll just say that she assured me that I got off work at 9pm (my old San Marino schedule), and that I must be gallivanting around town.  If only this was the case.  No, I'm stuck in that fucking sauna of a library until 10pm, and then I talk to Dane, and then I drive home.  Sometimes just before that I get some food and eat it at home.  That's my fucking schedule.  I come home, drink, and sleep.  I have almost no social life.  If only I was living the life my aunt as assigned to me.  Fucking shit.

I drove out to North Hollywood and picked up my car.  It turned out to cost a little bit less than they quoted me.  Not much, but at these prices every little bit counts.  The car runs great, like new.  I thought of going to the Autry museum in Griffith park to one, avoid going home, and two, check out a new photo exhibit.  I ended up not going, but rather driving towards Glendale and then doubling back to get some food in the Valley.

Mendocino Farms has some damn good sandwiches.  I bought a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.  It was good, but I've had better there at Mendocino.  I ate while watching some videos on my computer.  Since I was killing time I finished up and didn't hurry to rush out.  It was kinda funny to be one of many people in the restaurant taking out their computers and working on stuff.  There was a guy in front of me, another lady a little farther in front of me, and three people to my right that had computers out.  It was just funny.

TheDesire and I were exchanging texts this morning.  She asked me if I ever blamed other for my "personal demons... like parents, etc."  I told her that it's natural to do that since we are products of our upbringing and our environment.  Then I made a joke that this is why the world invented ice cream.  She liked that and mentioned that this was why she has gained wait over the last month.  Meanwhile, I don't see the weight on her.  She has been looking incredible lately.  She then went on to say that she had, "Somewhat of an argument with [sic] parents."  Following that she asked how I was doing.  I told her about how I took a nap, and I was going to pick up my car in little while.  I also told her how my aunt didn't seem to care about my busted car, and didn't really ask me if I was OK when I got home Wednesday.  A few hours later she asked if I was working at Central tomorrow, and if I was free for lunch.  Am I ever!  She's having lunch at noon, and I start at 1pm, so I told her I could meet her for lunch and then go into work.  She told me her schedule was more flexible, and that she didn't have to return at one, but would just do that since I had to start at that time.  There you have it, a typical response to her problems.  Return to the source of good times.  Ha, OK, maybe not that.  I'm safe.  She knows I'm safe.  I want to kiss her so badly, but even if she knew that she wouldn't feel threatened, because I'm not that kind.  She knows it.  I've built up a lot of good vibes with her, I'm sure.  All the times we hung out I never tired making a pass at her.  So yes, I'm safe in her mind.  And at the end of the day I do cherish this time with her.  I do want a friendship with her.  I like her to stay in my life in any capacity.  Of course in my dreams I would like to think that she would say to me, "Let's give this a shot."  "This," meaning a relationship.  Because I just have to know in my gut that we gave it a try and succeeded or failed on the merits of the relationship.  Not on some rule that prevented us from taking the chance in the first place.

After getting home tonight I installed the second of two cameras that will supplement the two old iPhones I'm using as cameras.  The other two aren't always reliable, so I bought these other kind of cameras, that supposedly are good and seem to be more reliable.  Time will tell.  I installed one camera in the kitchen the other day, and tonight I installed the one outside.  We shall see how they work out.

My Sunday desk partner Pablo contacted me via our work email.  He told me that he regretted not being able to formally say good-bye to me.  He also gave me his phone number in order to contact him, and to hang out some time.  I can do that.  Perhaps I'll ask him about the circumstances of him leaving the job.  it's no skin off my nose, really.  But, I still would like to know the story.  Because I'm a know it all.

Sat June 11, TheDesire asked me to lunch via text, and there was NO WAY I was going to refuse.  Thankfully the timing worked out just right.  We were to meet up at noon, just before I started working.  I rushed over to work and met her outside.  We went over to a bad sub shop and talked.  I do like talking to her, a lot.  She told me about how she's having to deal with the pressure of her family wanting her to get married.  It's so sad, because the thing is that this pressure only makes things worse.  She won't find anyone if she has this pressure at her back to do it.  No one works better with a knife sticking in your belly under threat of stabbing.  No one.  I want to help her navigate these waters, because I don't think anyone else can, and because no one else will step up and do this.  I'm the friend she needs right now, and that's what I plan on being.  I don't expect her to fall for me because I helped her.  On the contrary, I know that helping her actually means letting her go.  She will find someone if she is happy, and if I do my friendly duties.  At the end of the day I can't sit here and write this and say I don't want this help to perhaps convince her to give me a chance.  But what is really the case is that this is my way of actually letting go.  She needs someone who doesn't have an ulterior motive, and is just looking out for her.  It is a bit ironic that I should be that person, seeing as all I've ever wanted from her is a chance to love her.  But she needs to find happiness, and that isn't going to be with me.  I know that.  I need to find my happiness through her finding her way in this world.

MicroManager and TheDesire usually work the same weekends.  However, TheDesire somehow switched her Saturdays on, and so for now she works on MicroManager's off weekend.  That's good, because it affords me a chance to actually talk to her for more than a second.  It's always nice to talk to TheDesire, and today I got to do it without having to look over my shoulder for dummy.  There was even time today to help TheDesire with a social media post.  She wanted to do a book title poetry thing.  I forget what it's called, but she wanted to put some books together to make the titles say some sort of thing.

The day's work done, we all left at the same time.  TheDesire looked back and me while we exited, and I wondered if she was hoping I would reach out to her at that moment.  But my buddy Dane was standing there, waiting for me, and I turned back to greet him.  TheDesire had a look that I couldn't quite place.  If only it meant she wanted to be with me.

Sun June 12, TheGirl and I had originally scheduled to go to Disneyland for breakfast last week.  She was sore from her mud run the previous day, so there was no way she wanted to wake up early and go to Disneyland.  I was fine with that as well, since I didn't want to wake up early on one of the few days I have to sleep-in a bit.  We rescheduled for today.  But, neither of us took the time to make a reservation for the Carnation Cafe.  Instead of cancelling we decided to go out to another place, close to her place.  After some suggestions we ended up picking Paty's on Riverside.  I've driven by that place countless times, but I had never been there.  I can now report that their breakfast is good.  The Denver omelette was tasty and big.  The hash browns were good as well, and my side order of bacon had four strips on the plate.  And, our waitress was cute.  Aside from the food there was more talk of our trip to Big Sur in a couple of months.  Bringing her dog will complicate things, because her dog just can't go anywhere.  We have to go to dog friendly places.  And we have to make more stops, to walk her and such.  I'm good with that since I won't be driving.  However, there are a lot of things to consider, like food.  Carmel is fine, because the city is super dog friendly.  All the places we have on the agenda to visit are dog friendly.  It's just the drive up there that might be a little complicated.  I know we'll figure it out.  We have about sixty days to figure this stuff out.

Last Monday, I went up to get my mail from the office and I talked to the boss about the previous day, Sunday.  The day I had to fend for myself on the desk.  The boss says, "I guess I should have gotten a sub."  In the back of my mind I was like, "Duh!"  TheGirl mentioned that they probably didn't because they know I can handle the desk by myself.  True.  However, it's always good to have that second person, because like today the phone would not stop ringing at one point.  I would pick up one call only to have another come up.  I would transfer the call to my coworker at the children's desk and immediately another call would come in, and I'm still working on the first call.  T wrote the boss an email today asking for a sub for next Sunday.  I can't believe that she has to literally ask for someone.  I like the boss, but there are times when I think she's just going through the motions.

Despite it being busy on the desk I still found time to exchange texts with TheDesire.  She's not in a good place, as witness by her texts above.  She told me that she made her mother cry, because she told her mother that she and her father were the root of her insecurities, self doubt, and low self-esteem.  I don't know if that's fair thing to say to a parent, but at the same time if they are pushing her to get married pressuring her isn't going to help at all.  If anything it only makes things worse.  I'm so thankful that my Mother and Grandmother NEVER pushed me like that.  They just wanted me to be happy.  If anything, my Grandmother would always warn me not to get married to a woman that couldn't cook and clean, and that was lazy.  The both of them taught me to be independent.  And here I am, a bachelor for life.  But, if by some miracle someone would come along and want to marry me I will have the skills to pull my own weight in the marriage.  I do miss my Mother and Grandmother so much.  I think they made me well.

I feel that I need to help TheDesire through this, because no one else will.  No one else is there to just be understanding of her side of the story.  No one cares.  They just want to push their agenda.  I want to be with TheDesire, but right now I'm putting all that aside, because I see someone coming apart at the seams.  If I can help her a little bit, I am willing to put aside my wants in order to have her find herself on the right path.  I know that as much as I hope she will give me a chance, she's no good to me or anyone in this current mental state.  If I can be her "guru" and put her on the right path I think I should.  Know why?  Because like in so many other times in this life there are things that others put aside as not important.  That's when I come in and do the grunt work.

Mon June 13, I have to cut down on my hours, as I've said so here before.  I also have to balance that with not wanting to be home, because my aunt will yap at me.  So I go to work.  I was there this morning, but of course I couldn't just chill today.  Pseudo supervisor showed up, because she had a meeting in the evening.

Then I was recruited to work the circulation desk, because they were swamped with passports.  Here I am trying to avoid work, because I can't work that many hours during this month, and now I'm recruited to work the circulation desk.  I may just put some of these hours on the next year's time card.  What I am saying may?  Of course I'll have to do it, because I simply don't have the hours to work this fiscal year.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful.  Because I was covering the desk I ate lunch super late, past 3pm.  This meant that I wasn't super hungry when I left work.  Which meant I had some extra time.  I decided to go to IKEA to check out some outdoor furniture.  I have this idea that I could get a nice chair for the summer nights.  This way I could go outside and chill while drinking something nice.  We'll see.  I found one chair that I liked, but I didn't get it.  I want to look around.  I also found a nice chair for my bedroom.  My current chair is falling apart, and I would like to replace it.  I'll consider that chair after I get an outdoor chair.

After IKEA I went to TheGirl's for our usual visit.  We continued talking about where we could stop on the way to Big Sur later this year.  We also decided where we will go for dinner on Wednesday.  Good times!

Tue June 14, I drank quite a bit last night, but I was thankfully able to get out of bed this morning without a hungover.  I got ready, and thankfully no brats.  THAT along helped me get going in the morning.  I could finally take a fucking shit in the morning without worrying about being poop shy.

As I was about to leave for work the smell of burning plastic, or electronics, permeated the air.  I looked around, wondering what might be smoldering.  I couldn't pinpoint the origin of the smell.  I thought that perhaps some of the things that I have connected to the outlet by my bed were smoldering.  But I could still not pinpoint the smell.  I went to the kitchen and the scent was stronger there.  I then went outside and sure enough the scent was even stronger.  I walked around the house to see if I could find a spot where the smell was strongest, but it was equally smelly outside.  To cut a long story short, I drove to work figuring that if the smell wasn't coming from my house that it didn't have its origins there.  My buddy later sent me an email with the news story that showed that there was a fire at a recycling center.  The smell was definitely from burning plastic water bottles.  Terrible.

I walked into work and found that the table that is usually filled with bins only had about 1/3rd the amount of bins.  To the right of the bins for delivery there was a neat stack of bins that were labeled "branches" that were filled with books.  Those books are supposed to be sorted into the delivery bins on the table.  Someone last night didn't do this, so my delivery was light.  This is unusual since Tuesday is usually the busiest day of the week.  I don't mind having a lighter workload, but I know that tomorrow my buddy will have to deal with what was leftover.  That's some fucking bullshit, if you ask me.

I went on my merry way on the route and just as I was between two of the branches MicroManager calls me to say that there are some t-shirts to be picked up.  They're at a place back towards the first branch I make deliveries to.  This meant I had to double back and pick up a box of t-shirts.  In the end that little detour didn't cost me any extra time on the route.  Thankfully.

Emma sends me a text this morning (shown above) where she states that she thinks her "relationship" with Jackson has "Fizzled out."  Mind you, this is because he didn't contact her in a timely manner.  I will say, throughout the day she did text me to say that she hadn't heard from him.  It did make me wonder why he was on radio silence.  These days, no one is but a few get feet from their phones.  And to tell someone that they were too busy to text back is dumb.  It takes but a few moments to send a text and say something sweet and short.  This guy is playing her, but I had to quell her fears that he was already disinterested.  He didn't text her the entire day.  He finally talked to her on the phone and she seemed to be mollified.  But from the tone of her texts, and yes texts can have a tone, she seemed worried that it was on the rocks, let us say.  I think so too.  I told my buddy that I give the "relationship" three weeks... tops.  She's too insecure in the relationship, which I suspect is her default for any relationship.  Which might answer the question as to why she is single.  Well, I guess not technically single, since she is seeing this guy.  How I should word it is that she has generally been single in the time I've known her.

Despite the detour, I was able to reach my lunch spot earlier than usual.  Again, having so few bins to deal with made my morning go fast.  I had planned on chilling in the kitchen and then going out to the lawn.  But, the kitchen was not an option, because the gallery people had their personal stuff on the table there.  I just bolted and went outside to the lawn to eat my food and then chill.  It was so relaxing.

The rest of the route was pretty standard and not too difficult.  I just had to deal with some dopey drivers.  Two examples of dopey drivers that I saw, but didn't have to directly deal with, are the two idiots pictured above.  The first picture on the left is of a car that was on the curb.  I got the picture a little after their best move, which was to drive onto the curb, turn back and still not completely clear the curb.  The other is of a dope that parked in the driveway in order to pick up their brat.  There weren't any open parking spots, but at least park in the red for a second.  I don't think parking in the red is a good idea, but it's WAY better than parking in a fucking driveway.  Idiots!

I finished up the route and went to my car to eat my dinner.  MicroManager usually gives me a two hour break for dinner, but tonight she gave me a nice long three hour break.  I do like these longer breaks, mainly because I can chill and take an extra long nap.  The longer nap helped the night go much faster, thank the maker.

Wed June 15, I went to the 99 cent store before going to work this morning.  I needed to waste some time before going to work.  I mention this because I encountered some dope while in the store.  Of course, these days I encounter a bunch of idiots everywhere I go.  This dopey encounter involves the woman in the picture above.  She was standing in my way while I looked around for some Tabasco.  One time, many years ago, the 99 cent store had some Tabasco for sale.  Never since have I seen it in the store again.  Still, I look just in case they have some.  This woman sees me walking to her right and doesn't move an inch to let me pass by her.  This, despite the fact that I gave all the social signals that I wanted to pass, except out and out telling her "excuse me."  Since she wasn't moving I decided to go the long way around to go past her.  Of course she was a dope and moved to her left to block me once again.  All I could do is laugh at that moment.  I think she figured what I was laughing about, but I don't care any more.

TheDesire and the rest of the crew from reference moved down to the basement today.  TheDesire invited me to see her new desk after I set up the whole thing like setting a golf ball on a tee.  I hate to say that I am really looking forward to the "tour" of TheDesire's desk.

TheGirl and I decided what to have for dinner tonight on Sunday when we had breakfast across the street.  All I can say about the food is that I sometimes wonder if the people at restaurants ever eat their own food.  I ask that because if the people at this restaurant would try their own food they would question why they would serve it to anyone.  The food was bland.  It wasn't bad, it was just bland.  Our talking mostly centered around her upcoming trip to Mexico and some things at my job.  She always says how much she dislikes TheHusband, but then she takes a trip a month on average with him.  This is the second time in as many months that she's gone to Mexico with him.  Oh well, she has made her choices.  Still, dinner was still good and special.  This is why we continue this tradition.

Thu June 16, I don't have much to report from this morning on the route.  Pretty standard stuff.  I do have to say, and I'm probably repeating myself now, but I do like running the route on silent mode.  It affords me more time to just chill under this tree at Brand.

I found out tonight when I came back to work my evening shift that the other driver wants to stop driving.  I've heard this from Vagabundo and from another person.  But now it seems that it is a real thing.  The only thing that keeps him driving is that they need to hire a replacement driver.  The replacement driver would drive on Mondays, and would also be our back-up.  We desperately need a back-up driver.  I just had a thought about how they might task me with showing the new driver the ropes.  I seem to be the go to guy for that these days.  Then again they would have the other driver show the route to the new guy.  Either way, there are big changes coming.  I keep telling my buddy that there are going to be a lot of changes in the coming year.  There will be a reckoning, and soon.

During the night shift TheDesire was mostly in the back, which sucked.  And then for the first hour I was stuck with dummy that always abandons me on the desk.  Tonight he pulled a move that fucking sucks.  About fifteen minutes after the hour, that would be 7:15, a patron comes up and asks for help with Powerpoint.  I know nothing about that, but Jeff pops up and says that he will help.  He then proceeds to help this guy for an HOUR.  A whole hour.  Then the librarian also stepped in to help.  The both of them were there until past their quitting time.  TheDesire left so fast I didn't even see her leave.  Meanwhile, the guy in the stripped shirt above (one of the librarians), stayed until twenty minutes AFTER eight.  The two of them stayed twenty minutes after they were off the clock helping this dope.  In Jeff's case he did it so he wouldn't have to check out any patrons.  By the way, I was left to help all the patrons out since he hyper focused on helping this one patron out with his computer issues.  Mind you, he never really resolved the problem either.  At the end the two of them put their hands up and told the patron he needed to consult a book.  Jorge, the librarian, even went and got him a few books on the subject.  Dumb.

Fri June 17, I come into work today and I see an unfamiliar face wearing the summer reading shirt.  I figured that the person was the new girl at work.  Little did I know that I was going to be tasked with showing the new girl the ropes.  My potential dating pool has shrunk to the women I meet at work.  I don't really want to date anyone from work any more, except TheDesire, but my scope is limited.  I figure that two new employees means that I have two new potential women to flirt with.  M2, as she is known for now, is attractive enough to consider sleeping with her.  But at the same time I think I'm an idiot for even considering that path.  I need to just forget about this kind of shit.

As I said before, I was tasked with showing the new girl the ropes, which I didn't get to complete.  I'll get to finish the list of things I have to show her on Sunday.  She's my new partner on Sundays.  H made a joke about how long M2 might stick around.  She said that M2 will either stay ten years or ten minutes.  This does seem to be the pattern.

When I arrived at home I checked the mail and found a letter from work asking me to donate something, a piece of art, for the cause.  I've decided that I'm not going to do that.  Last year NO ONE put a single bid on my photograph.  I feel that no one appreciates my work.  Maybe it's not that good, and so no one ever appreciate it.  But to me it's my work, and so I appreciate it for that at least.  TheGirl and TheDesire have an appreciation for my work... thankfully.

Sat June 18, I arrived at work and I checked out the schedule.  Pretty standard stuff.  That is until MicroManager tells me that she has a special assignment for me.  I'm to bring some books from the basement to circulation.  Oh, and also check on some new books bins that are in the basement.  I had to travel around the entire building to get to technical services.  Only in this library would this be considered a viable thing.

I have to say that I'm super glad the A/C was finally working.  Otherwise I would be dead.  But, because the A/C was working, the day turned out to be a slow day at the desk.  If only it could always be this way.  Alas, I know this is not a permanent state.  By next week it will be hot again and they A/C will not work again.  Fucking bullshit!

Sun June 19, I don't have much to report from work today.  I didn't have to show the new girl, M2, the ropes.  That was taken care of by the children's librarian today.  I just saw her briefly.  I asked her and sure enough she confirmed she's working Fridays.  Does that mean every Friday?  Does that mean I won't be going to work on Fridays?  Even if they say so I'll still end up going, because I don't want to stay home with my aunt.  Especially during summer.

Tue June 21, Thankfully the heat was much less today than this weekend.  I don't know how i could survive if it was as hot as it was yesterday.  The children's room at central was still hot though.  The A/C isn't working up there today.  The heat upstairs is nearly as bad as the worst that I've experienced in circulation.

Micromanager told me that the idiot in processing had a bunch of new book bins to send to the branches.  Why they were still sitting there, I don't know.  In the past he would bring them from processing and leave them for us to then send to the branches.  Now MircoManager wants me to do this.  There were nearly twenty bins.  I could not take them with all the stuff I still had for the regular delivery.  That's WAY too much shit.  I figured I would do what I could today and do the rest on Thursday.  The way this is right now, with the red new book bins, isn't right.

One last thing about the photo above.  I split it and the other half pertains to the children's room upstairs being closed because of the heat.  I love how they can't get anything right with this building's A/C.  It's either blazing hot or near freezing cold.  Dumb.  The only thing is that at least now those upstairs have felt what those of us in circulation have been feeling for months.

A regular Tuesday is packed with bins, but today was extra packed since the Monday driver didn't show up to work.  He later told me that he was suffering from back pain.  Know what?  I was suffering from back pain a little while back and I still sucked it up.  Maybe I'm the fool for doing so, but I didn't complain.  I just fucking did my job.  Whatever, I did my job and delivered a van full of books.

Especially on a day like today I looked forward to having a nice long lunch at Brand.  I really needed to lay on that grass today.  Misa joined me on the grass, despite the fact that she only had fifteen minutes to chill.  It was funny because she was wearing a skirt, and it was a little windy.  There was a little bit of a chance when she got up to go back to work that a strong gust of wind would lift her skirt.  I like Misa, I think she's cute.  I can't say I didn't think of her as something more in the past.  Not now.  Yet, I did have this idea in the back of my head that I wanted to see that skirt fly up with a strong gust of wind.  I don't know, I guess I'm just a horny guy.

With all the special deliveries today I worked eleven hours.  In addition to the bins I also had to deliver chairs to Montrose.  But the first time I went up to Montrose I took the wrong chairs.  All the email that MicroManager gave me said to deliver six chairs to the branch.  But no one told me that it was office chairs.  I had to make the trip twice.  On the second trip I decided to get some food, because I was starving.  I stopped off at Burger Queen and bought myself a burger before going back to base.  And then I had a nap to rest up before the night shift.  I really needed that rest tonight.

Wed June 22, I went into work having one thing I had to do, that is print out a job for the recreation department.  I did that, and spent the rest of the morning chilling until my shift started.  Little did I realize that I didn't have the entire printing assignment done.  Thankfully once on the desk I got it finished.  Still, it was nice to just chill before working.

Not much to report from my desk shift.  It was pretty standard.  I did confirm that the cute girl from the recreation department is not single.  Not only is she not single, she's married and she has a kid.  I remember seeing her at the city's Christmas party a couple of years back that she looked really pregnant.  Sure enough, she was.  The other big news is that the city manager is resigning.  No one could tell me how long until it becomes official, but it's probably soon.  I don't know many details about this whole thing, but someone told me that he was going to another job that is closer to his home.  Pseudo supervisor thought that he was out and out retiring.  Guess not.  I think he was a good guy, but what do I know.  What I do know is that this means huge changes are coming over the horizon.  Big changes.

I survived the shift on the reference desk today and I bolted out to TheGirl's for dinner.  Between to me and her place there was a traffic jam that was fucking bullshit since the cars were already on the shoulder and no one's head was on the freeway.  I hate that people have to look at some crash on the side of the road in hopes that they see someone dead.  Sick.

I got to TheGirl's a little later than usual because of the stupid accident on the freeway.  I drank some wine and ate.  The big news is that TheGirl confirmed that she slept with a coworker of ours, TheDesire's former fiance I already knew this to be true, because I'm not a dope.  But it wasn't until tonight that TheGirl actually said it had happened.  It's funny how incestuous that place happens to be.  I slept with TheGirl, and so did he, and I wanted to sleep with TheDesire and so did he.  Ha!  TheGirl reiterated how she didn't like how I picked TheDesire to like, knowing what I knew.  What can I say, I think TheDesire is awesome, and she's pretty, and I found myself attracted to that.  So sue me. 

I came home and found that my aunt put up some curtains in the "breakfast nook."  She does this because ever since the attempted break-in she feels paranoid that someone is outside looking inside the house, and looking at her.  No one is looking at her.  I have so many cameras around the house now that there is little chance someone can go back there and look inside the house.  What do I know though?

Thu June 23, Both my buddy and Misa mentioned an email from one of the managers that went out yesterday.  Today Misa was kind enough to take a picture of it and send it to me.  I will cut to the chase, the tone and wording makes me think that this is a passive-aggressive email from Snow.  She was the author of the email, and it basically says nothing.  The fact that someone at Central makes a mistake once in a while and puts a book meant for one branch in the bin of another branch should not be cause for alarm.  We are human, after all.  No one is perfect, and we're not going to get every book perfect either.  The email infuriated me to no end.  It came off as a shitty move by Snow.  She's not right, as it is, in my book.  This thing serves to remind me that no one there is right.  No one there is to be trusted.  Ever!  I so want to bring some revenge to Snow for writing this email, though part of me does agree that we need to be more careful when the delivery is done.  However, since nothing will ever be perfect, than expecting that we will never place a book in the wrong bin is highly unrealistic.  In short, fuck you, Snow.

The best part of this is MicroManager's reaction to it all.  She told me that she was mad at the email, and that she shred it, out of existence.  It was a great moment, since I know MicroManager was also fuming.  She took the time to print out the email it and took it to the shredder to be cut out of existence.  There are times when MicroManager gets it correct, this is one of those times.

The route itself was not easy today.  I had some special deliveries during and after the route.  But, I figured that I would just do it like I always do it... one step at a time.  First thing, I needed to get the van washed.  I wanted to do it a couple of weeks ago, but there wasn't time during the route.  Since I now know what to expect from this silent mode route I knew that I had plenty of time to get the van washed.  A clean van is a happy van.

I made all my deliveries, in including the special one to Montrose.  But that didn't mean that the route was over.  I still had two other deliveries of huge whiteboards to two of the branches.  I had taken one for my first stop at Montrose, but that was because it was my first stop and that meant I didn't have to lug it around the entire route.  But for the other two I had to make a special run to specifically.  These extra deliveries made for a long day.  I was tired by the end of it all.

I could not wait for dinner tonight.  I heated my dinner and went to my car.  I ate the small portion meal and took a nap.  I so needed to recharge my battery.  The new norm on my route days is to work WAY past what the other drivers work.  It's not unusual for me to now work up to ten hours on my shifts.  Crazy, huh?

I've noticed that my text messages to TheDesire have not been answered in a timely manner these last few days.  This is usually a sign of something going on with her.  I'm not going to worry about it through.  She can take all the time she wants.  I'm not sitting here wondering where she is, because I know.  Where she is emotionally is a different thing, but that only concerns me as it would concern any friend.

This morning Emma sent me a text exchange from her fella, Jacobo.  What struck me is this series of statements.  I'm not one that likes to boast or say something that should already be self evident.

After dinner and a nap I went back to the late shift.  There was a point where the page from upstairs was talking to the guard and myself and it got a little loud.  I didn't think any of it, but then a patron comes up to the desk and says to us something to the effect that we are being too loud and it was inappropriate for the library.  I have only been shushed by a patron one other time, and it's just funny to me.  About an hour later she was still not over it.  She went up to Oz, who was not on the desk when she shushed me the first time, and told him about what had happened.  I heard her talking, but she was talking in Armenian.  Later Oz told me that she said she was "disturbed" that this would happen in a library.  Whatever, dummy.  Oz totally dismissed her.  Then at the end of the night a patron that always comes just as we're trying to close comes up to the doors just as the security guards closed them at 9:55pm.  Later she told me that she heard one of the guards say, "Oh, it's that lady again."  He might have said it.  Look, none of us like it that she shows up right as we're closing.  We all just want to go home at that time of the night, but then she comes up and makes us late.  She said that she was going to write an email to someone, our boss most likely.  Who the fuck cares.  Fucking idiots.

Fri June 24, Of course I didn't want to stay home today, what with my aunt and the heat.  I drove out to Eagle Rock to wash my car first.  The water on the car made the dirt coming off it look like mud.  It was awful.  My poor car needs to be washed more often.  But who is to blame for it being dirty?  Me.  After the car wash I went on a couple of errands.  Nothing major.  Then I went to work to hide out there.  Again, nothing major.  Just wanted to be in the A/C and not be home.  I had plans on going to the museum, but I was tired today.

After I arrived home after a long day of nothing Emma sends me a text saying what you see above.  Yup, as suspected, this whole thing with Jacobo is just a fuck buddy situation.  He said it, in not so many words.  Of course Emma says she didn't get hurt in the same breath that she says she was crying.  It's fucked up.  She's a good person, I feel.  Not that she doesn't make mistakes.  Certainly she does.  Certainly I think you can chalk this up to being a mistake.  Especially since he only saw her for three weeks.  "Saw her?"  I should say fucked her, since that's all he was really interested in doing.  Believe me, I get it.  Why buy a girl dinner if she's willing to give it up for nothing.  Still, he know what she was, and who she was, and he still tried to play her for a fool.  How?  By leading her on.  By having a pet name for her.  By making her feel there was something more there.  Believe me, I know what it's like to be with someone and essentially "fill in the blanks" of a relationship that doesn't exist because you WANT it to exist.  I don't know this for sure, but I can speculate that this is what happened this time.  He just wanted to get his dick wet.

Sat June 25, Sleeping is one of my favorite activities.  Even though I don't get to actively enjoy it.  I don't get to sleep-in very often, but when I do I really love it.  This morning I got to sleep in and I loved it.  I showered, ate a little something my aunt made, but not too much.  For today I had plans to have lunch with Emma and TheDesire.  Oh that lovely TheDesire.  I"m so not over her beauty.  I look at her and I still find her striking.  Others have said she's "looking older," and "not as good as before."  Well, sorry.  We all get older, but I feel she is still absolutely stunning.  Sue me.  I made my way to get some food before meeting up with those two for lunch.  I had originally planned on going to a place in Atwater village for a breakfast burrito.  But then thought about the timing and logistics of such a move, and decided on the Great White Hut by work.  They also serve breakfast burritos.  Now that I've had one I can say that it was OK, but not as good as the place I was going to go originally.  Still, it filled me up and was OK.

Lunch with TheDesire and Emma was nice.  I didn't talk directly to TheDesire too much, because she was talking to Emma more than with me.  But, it's just nice to be in her company.  Emma later said that TheDesire was saying some strange stuff, but I didn't find TheDesire's comments strange.  Emma was referring to how TheDesire said that she used to be nice to people just to be nice to them.  But now she basically is only going to be nice to those who deserve it.  I can't fault her for doing that, though I just treat everyone nice.  This is a choice she has come to under her life situations.  I can't judge her for that, nor can I tell her different.

I was thinking afterward that TheDesire's breasts looked big today.  I suspect that she had her period recently, because of her breasts and her mood.  I'll have to track this thing to see for sure.  I know, this seems strange to track a woman's cycle, but knowing that is knowing something about her she wouldn't ever tell me.  I'm kinda a dope for wanting to know things like this.

My work shift was kinda easy today.  The first hour I had to shelve books.  I shelved the books on hold for patrons.  It took me nearly the entire hour.  The second hour I was on the phones, checking in books as well.  But mostly I was chatting it up with TheDesire.  It's SUPER nice having her work on the MicroManager's off weekend.  MicroManager has mellowed a bit on the weekends that she works, but she is still lurking around and that means I can't talk to TheDesire as much.  Still, the entire shift was kinda good in that it was slow today and no MicroManager.  Wish more days at the library where like today.

MicroManager scheduled me to help out my coworkers break down their set-up in the park next door at 5pm.  One of those coworkers was the beautiful Ru.  Her body still amazes me.  It's so fucking nice, though I will say that her butt does look like it has grown a little bit.  It's still a marvel of nature.  Her frame is so small, but her body is so abundant.  At one point of us breaking down the tent the back of my hand touched her thigh and kinda lingered there because of the situation.  She didn't flinch or pull away, and the warmth of her body enveloped the back of my hand.  That simple thing kinda made my day.

Emma and I were texting throughout the day.  Jacobo wanted to have a "talk" with her.  The fucking "talk" is never a good thing when it's said like that.  "We need to have a talk," is the death marker for a relationship.  It means the other person is already out of the relationship, they're just letting you know that it's over.  And there you are, standing with your hopes, desires, and wishes for continued bliss and all they can say is we need to have a talk.  I knew that Emma's "talk" with Jacobo meant that things were over between them.  Sure enough, Emma texted me tonight to say that her "relationship" with Jacobo is officially over.  They had had "The talk."  As you can see above, they ended it and will remain friends.  Of course that only works since they don't work too closely together.  I originally predicted that this thing would last three weeks, and I was off by only two days.  I feel bad for her, because I know she wanted this to be more.  I know that feeling all too well.  He used her, simple as that.  Not to say she didn't let herself be used, but that came from wanting something more to develop.  But Jacobo was only interested in the sex from the start.

Sun June 26, TheDesire texted me at 11:11am this morning.  Is that some sort of a sign?  Probably not.  Still, her texting me to tell me that she ate ice cream last night means that she now associates ice cream with me.  If only she associated love with me.  Alas, not yet.  Still, I do love that she thought of me when she had ice cream last night.

If I could turn the A/C on I would.  That is what I wanted to say to every dopey patron that came up to me today and asked, "Is the air conditioning on?"  Ah, no, because I hate you all and expect you to be here despite the heat.  Morons.  I tried to reset the chiller twice.  Each time the fucking thing didn't even budge.  It should at least do something and then turn off.  But nope, this time nothing.  Not even a little turn of the gears.  It was dead.

I heard about a place that supposedly had a good burger up in La Canada Flintridge called the Flintridge Proper.  So, I went up there tonight with a friend to try out their burger.  I can report that the statements about how good their burger is were greatly exaggerated.  The burger is OK, but not worth the price I paid, and it doesn't stand up to some of the best burgers in this town.  It's kinda a middle of the road burger that aspires to greatness.  I would go back for drinks, because my Manhattan was good, but not $18 worth good.  I've had much better Manhattans for at least $6 less.  Hell, I had a good Manhattan a few weeks ago and it only cost me $6.  It wasn't great, like the one I had tonight, but for the same price I could have had three.  I won't likely be going back any time soon.

There is so much going on with Emma, but I'll just boil it down to this: she wants to give Jacobo another chance.  She thinks that when he broke it off she didn't "fight" for it, and now she's considering trying something.  I think it's a dumb move, and will only end up with it blowing up in everyone's face at work.  TheDesire will find out about this and she will be hurt.  Emma will have betrayed her friendship and Jacobo picked a non-Armenian over her.  I don't know how invested in emotions TheDesire was with Jacobo, but if she still feels anything this is just going to hurt that much more.

Mon June 27, I was scheduled to work the afternoon shift today, so even though I was at work at 10am I didn't clock in until 2pm.  I killed some time doing some actual work, but I didn't work too hard.  Works was work.  Nothing much to report on that end.  One of my coworkers and I did our job by helping a patron with a video that was still on her record.  If the clerks would have just checked the shelf they would have found the video there and the patron wouldn't have to worry that something they returned was still on their account.  I don't know about this group of clerks.

I visited TheGirl and we mostly just watched TV.  We talked a little about our trip to Big Sur.  Traveling with her dog is going to definitely make this trip different and interesting.  I plan on being sauced the entire time.  But I should also take advantage of this time to take some good photos.

I haven't texted Talia in a some time, but tonight she sends me a photo out of the blue.  Says she colored her hair and that people are telling her nice she looks.  There was a time when she was really nice and pretty.  She's let life take her down.  She's let life's crippling weight weigh her down.  It's easy, but at the same time you have to fight that urge to just give in to the bad things that happen in life.

Tue June 28, I come into work and from the start the dummies are out in full force.  This slab and plaque belong to a group that we have stuff in our archives.  I know because I moved that stuff.  I was telling my coworkers to call a particular person in admin, but they didn't.  They called someone else.  I don't know why they couldn't ask her about it.  Oh well, I tried.

The route was whatever.  I was able to get through the first half of it really quickly, and found myself at Brand just a little after 1pm.  On my new schedule I have set 2:35 to be the time I get going from Brand.  That meant that I could get more than an hour break time.  Good times.  But, as I was eating I was trying to watch some stuff online, but I couldn't hear my phone over the sound of this guy trimming up the lawn.  I get it, he was doing his job.  But the sound of that trimmer sucks.  I don't know why those things don't have some sort of muffler.  I ate my lunch and didn't watch to videos online.  There was a pair of cute girls that walked by on their way to the library.  That made up for the stupid guy with the trimmer.  This picture obviously doesn't do that girl's legs justice.  So-so came out to join me for her break on the lawn.  Good times.

Just before I went on my dinner break a gorgeous girl walked into the library (shown above).  She was a vision.  I was talking to a friend as she walked in and I took the pictures.  This friend says to me, "What is she doing in this dump?"  No idea, but she made my day.

Actually, a little thing after that was like a cherry on top.  I went in to warm up my dinner and TheDesire turned back to look at me.  It was a look that I think I've seen before.  It means something, but of course even if it does she won't act upon it.  I think she does like me.  She can't let herself like me though.  It's such a fucking shame.  We could be good together.  But really it never will happen.

Not that I had a chance with this one, but another one of the cute pages in the system has gone and gotten herself into a relationship.  I don't know why I thought I had a chance with that one.  Maybe because she seems to always give me a "knowing" smile.  But now I KNOW that the smile means nothing.  Moreover, I really think I need to somehow purge any idea of ever being with an Armenian girl, or any girl for that matter.

I made my last car payment tonight!  $281.93 was the last payment.  I hope not to have a car payment for at least five years, but hopefully more like ten years.  I have plans for that money.  Like saving it.

Wed June 29, I don't have anything to report from work, except to say that there are some changes coming to my San Marino job.  I think I already mentioned how my supervisor, one of the librarians, is retiring at the end of September.  I don't know who will take over for that position, but I would hope that a friend of mine, one of the part time librarians, would get the job.  I told her she HAS to go out for it.  She said she plans on going for it.  Woo!  Oh, but she doesn't think she has much of a chance.  Boo!

TheGirl and I went to a place we've been to several times before, but this time was the best visit.  Yes, the service was still slow, and my drink was kinda meh.  Still, the food made up for it.  I ordered a pizza and it was OK.  But the pot stickers (not pictured above) were excellent.  I was more interested in eating them than my pizza.  Still, I did finish up my pizza as well.  TheGirl liked the brussel sprouts that she ordered.  We talked about the upcoming trip to Big Sur, and where we could stop off to get some breakfast.  There are a ton of places, but we are also limited by the fact that we will have her dog in tow.  I don't really mind, because this will only be the second time that I don't drive up there.  I'm happy about that.  I get to actually look out the window and enjoy the sights.  I also updated TheGirl on some things that are going on at work.

I nearly forgot to mention that I submitted a photo to a magazine contest earlier this year.  Well, the dates when the winners would be informed has come and gone.  Once again my work doesn't merit even coming close to winning.  It really frustrates me, but also I wonder what I can do to make my photography that much better.  I guess I'm OK at this photography thing.  Better than the average dummy on the street.  But I'm not great, and that has to change.

You know, I try and try to stand still against the current of inequity.  This has not been an easy week to deal with, what wish so much bullshit going on.  Emotionally I feel like I'm always shaking my head with disapproval at everyone.  From the idiots that cut me off every morning, to the dope patrons at the library, to my idiot coworkers, to the fact that I'll be single for the rest of my life... I'm just mentally exhausted from all his shit.  I feel I just need to quit caring about anything.  I was looking at what I wrote for my book the other day.  I wouldn't want to read it, I can't bare to think anyone else would want to read it either.  I'm just not that good at that or photography.  To cut it short, I just want to give up on everything and life my life without thinking I can change this.

Thu June 30, The route today was pretty standard.  TreasuryGirl and Demi both looked really good.  Demi is the new girl at treasury, but she is quickly becoming a favorite.  Now of course her bring Armenian means I have no chance, so I wonder why I should even try with her in anyway.  And this seems the theme running through my brain these days.

The route itself was standard, as I said earlier.  Nothing crazy major.  I do have to say that since this is my last week of working both Tuesday and Thursday and I am going to miss working on Tuesdays.  I know I work every other Tuesday, but I liked the pattern of working every Tuesday instead of every other Tuesday.  But my time has come, and with the coming of the new fiscal year it means that my buddy doesn't have to not work because he might go over his hours.  No more of that shit, at least for a while.

I"m not sure what my breaks at Brand will be like in the coming months, what with the change in the route coming.  But, I hope to still have the time here at Brand.  When last I was going to Pasadena to drop off the books I was taking time to go up to the Chevy Chase branch and have lunch there.  I don't if I want to do that when the opportunity to lay in the grass at Brand is a reality.  I'll have to see how it goes.  For now, I just enjoyed my time on the grass today.  I just loved being able to lay in the grass.  I took the self portrait as I lay on the grass.  I don't know what made me do that, but I think I just wanted to record what I looked like, and in a sense what I feel like right today.  As I look at myself I first have to say that I do understand why I'm single.  I can't honestly say that I'm good looking.  My face is worn now.  I've seen too much, and it shows on my face.  My grey hair not only shows my age, but is also a reflection of all that I've seen.  All-in-all I get why I'm single from looking at this photo.  But you know what?  What can I do?  I'm not going to be anything but myself.

I worked the late shift, again.  TheDesire was there for the first hour of my evening shift.  I wanted to kiss her so bad.  I've wanted to kiss her so bad for what seems like forever.  Alas, I will have to wait until forever to kiss her, because I'll never get the go ahead from her.  We had a little text exchange earlier in the day.  I told her that I wanted to clarify what I meant, and thankfully she knew what I was trying to say.  I do love that girl.  I can't say it's a romantic love right now, but it could easily turn into that if she let it.  For now I can just be her friend and hope that she hears my heart sing out to her.

Went out to dinner in Toluca Terrace and saw this sign while walking to the restaurant where TheGirl and I ate dinner.  The dinner was horrible.  We've had dinner there before and it was bad.  I only agreed to eat here because TheGirl insists on bringing her dog to dinner with us.  To illustrate how bad this place is, the glass TheGirl was given had lipstick on it.  Yeah, when does THAT happen?

I took this photo a few months back, but I feel it's apropos today since it's cold and foggy outside this morning.  The story behind this is that I went up to the Observatory to take some pictures, and it was raining.  I saw a drop on my windshield and knew that I had to take it.  I was taking the photo with my iPhone, because my camera was in the back of the car and I didn't want to miss this opportunity.  I think the photo came out pretty nice.

On a recent trip to Solvang I went into a book store, because these days I can't escape books, and took some photos.  There was a medallion, for lack of a better word, on the wall (pictured above) or Mark Twain.  It looked pretty neat, so I took a picture of it and now here it is.

Taken on June 1, 2013, at the Kubrick exhibit at LACMA a few years back, with TheGirl.  Kubrick is one of my favorite directors, and this exhibit was amazing.  This particular photo is of the many movie posters on display, all of which I've seen.

Taken on June 15, 2004, at a local sub shop.  I don't remember the exact circumstances of my Grandmother and I ending up there, but I'm sure we were running errands.  We often went out to eat during our errands.  Mick's subs had some nice sandwiches.  I do miss those days.  It's hard to think that in just over a year and a half my Grandmother would be dead.  My Grandmother was like a second mother to me.  She was there all my life.  She took care of me after my mother passed away.  Her death was tragic, and she was better than that.  So I remember the good times, like this one pictured above.  When we were just having lunch one day.

Taken on June 16, 2012, I took this in the midst of my relationship with TheGirl falling apart.  My look tells it all, I believe.  I want to smile fully, but I can't.  I'm happy and sad at the same time.  TheGirl was "hanging" out with a "friend" more and more, and I could see our relationship spiraling down the drain.  It was only a matter of time before the whole thing ended.  The writing was on the wall, but I didn't want to face the reality of that truth.