Ah, the first month of a new year was full of... full of something.  Here is the update.

Fri Jan 1, Happy New Year!  Once again we start a new year with this idea that it's a clean slate.  Of course it isn't clean, but we like to think it's some sort of start.  And in some ways I guess it is a start.  I didn't do anything but watch TV today.  I recorded the Rose parade, but I didn't watch it yet.  I have time.  My aunt still annoys me by being just too much.  She keeps asking me if I'm hungry, and what I want to eat.  I don't know.  I'm a grown man, I can figure it out on my own.  I'll find something to eat in the fridge or I'll go get something to eat.  I mean come on.  I know her heart is in the right place, and that she just wants to help me.  She helps me plenty by doing my laundry.  She doesn't need to totally take care of me.  I'm happy she does those things for me, but she needs to just know when I'm good.

I have a hook on my door to hang things that is in the shape of a dragon (shown above).  My aunt comes to me today with the idea to replace it with a rabbit head.  Ah, what?  First off, it's impractical since the rabbit head is much bigger and would not fit in the area where the hook I have now sits.  Secondly, I like that hook.  But, my aunt's idiot idea is that it looks like a demon.  She does this all the time.  She wants me to take down things in my room that she thinks look like demons or the devil.  I don't have anything of the sort, but try telling her silly brain that.  She tried to insist that I change the hook.  I told her straight up NO.  I like the hook and her reasons for replacing it are transparent.  Just dumb.  The dragon/demon stays.

Sat Jan 2, Work double booked me.  I didn't have to go into work today, because the person I was supposed to cover already had someone covering them.  Oh well, I tried to do some work, but really I just sat at my desk watching videos on YouTube.  Oh well.  I had a feeling I might not be needed today, but I did want to go into work to avoid my aunt.  So I killed two birds with one stone.  Woo!

At work I searched for the new Star Wars online.  I was sure someone would post the movie, and of course someone did.  Someone took a camcorder into the theater and recorded the whole thing.  I watched part of it at work and finished it off when I got home.  Let me say this, I wasn't going to pay for this movie at all.  I had a bad feeling that Abrams would ruin it even more than the new trilogy ruined this franchise, and I was right.  Star Wars was the first movie I remember seeing.  It became my first lesson in cinema, and taught me a love of movies I still have to this day.  To see it go down the drain like this in the hands of people who just want to make a buck saddens & angers me.  Abrams once again proves he has no clue about his source material.  He ruined Star Trek, and he continued the decline of Star Wars.  The new trilogy did a lot of damage, and this just finishes off the franchise for me.  I'm through.

Mon Jan 4, Not much to report today.  Work was work, as I usually say.  I was uploading some old photos from the original iPhone up to the cloud for back-up.  It was neat to look back at some of those old photos.  Really neat to go back and see those old photos/memories.  The photo above is the fifth picture taken with my original iPhone, way back in July of 2007.  I don't know what happened to the first four.  I believe I deleted them.  So, this photo is the first official picture I have on my original iPhone.  The phone is of me, take by my old boss at CSUN while I visited him.  I was already out of school, and I came back to visit him that July day.  I bought the phone at the Northridge mall.  Not sure why I went there to buy it, except to say that I think it was the only Apple store in the Valley.  I don't know that for a fact, but I'm assuming.

Yesterday, after work, I came home and talked to my aunt.  She told me that she thinks our neighbor put cameras on their house to spy on us.  She's really lost it, I think.  I mean really, why would our neighbor want to look in our direction?  Like I just said, I think my aunt has lost her mind.

There was a shooting on the 5 freeway today, and they shut the freeway down.  I felt I might get stuck in the aftermath, consequently I took surface streets to get to TheGirl's tonight.  Also, I went to get something to eat and some idiot was yelling "come at me, bro" at the top of his lungs in the parking lot.  I didn't feel safe, so I went to Taco Bell.  I ate quickly and then went to TheGirl's.  There I told her how Shay asked if I wanted to go to Disneyland with her and Snow, and how I had zero interest in that after the way it all went down between my buddy and her.  What I left out was my whole thing with Snow, and how that was also a dead end.  I played with her dog until we were both super tired.

Tue Jan 5, This Tuesday I don't work at San Marino because of my cut in hours.  I thought of telling my aunt and staying home until I had to go to Glendale.  But I thought better of that.  I love my aunt, but as I told her the other night I'm tired of talking to dopes all day.  When I'm home I want quiet.  I can't get it while she's there, because she right away turns me into a sounding board.  The complete opposite of what I want.  Hence, I took off to run a couple of errands before going to the Glendale parking structure for the library.  There I slept and then went to get some food.  I'm currently writing this entry in the garage.  I went to lunch earlier at Jax down the street.  It really hit the spot.

It would seem that they are not going to close the Central library for the renovation.  The email Maleficent sent today said this: "The cost benefit was not enough to merit full closure of Central Library."  The savings they were talking about was about $350,000.  Certainly nothing to sneeze at, but it only accounted for 2.4% of the total $15M budget.  I joked with my buddy that the decision would be determined on a coin flip.  I said that it must have come out heads.

What I like most, and what kinda amazes me the most, is how easily I went from adorning TheDesire to not thinking about her at all.  This is not to say that the thought of her hasn't come into my mind from time to time, but there is zero affection in those thoughts.  All I see is that fucking box from the Secret Santa dinner, and I feel the slap in the face again.  I remember what an idiot I was to devote so much energy on the thought of her.  More and more the reminder of how short this life is comes forth.  I wasted so much time on women.  As I look at my endeavors with women, trying to win them over, they feel like the most feudal thing I could have done with my life.  I don't regret my relationships, though they didn't last.  What I regret is spending so much time trying to win over women that weren't interested in me.  I was a fool to think I could win them over.  TheGirl taught me that if they like you, and want you, they will let you know early.

While turning off the lights tonight in the upstairs room I noticed that by TheDesire's name was the letters SL.  No wonder she hasn't been around, she's been on sick leave.

Wed Jan 6, It rained pretty good this morning.  It was nice to be inside today, and to know that the roof at home is fixed.  We fixed the roof just in time.  Today was a packed day at work.  The time of my next due assignment is drawing near.  And before then I'll have two more assignments due.  After that I can kinda rest, but of course there's no rest for the wicked.  Still, it was nice to just be inside today.  I'll finish my assigned work on time, of course.  But, I must say that I really don't like this current assignment.  It's boring.

The drive to TheGirl's place started out great, but then quickly turned into a fucking Los Angeles nightmare.  I left work at around 5:45, and didn't get to TheGirl's until just past 7pm.  I was doing great time on the freeway until I arrived at the 134 and 5 exchange.  My pseudo supervisor told me that there was a huge accident in Burbank.  There's an app that gives you alternative routes when there's traffic.  I turned that app on, which was the first time in months that I have.  Of course that was before I got my new iPhone replacement after I cracked the last phone.  None of my old settings were on, and I guess I should have checked before I hit the road, but I didn't have the time.  I wanted to get to TheGirl's for dinner.  The fucking app didn't verbally warn me to get off the freeway at San Fernando road.  Like I dummy I stayed on the 134 when I hit the traffic.  I looked down, thinking "I thought this app would steer me clear of this," when I saw that the app wanted me to exit.  I was five lanes away from that exit, with traffic on the far right lanes moving pretty good, while I was standing still.  I don't do that move where I just jump in front of traffic and hope that the dope behind me stops in time not to kill me.  I guess I'm paranoid, or I value my life.  Because of that, I didn't make the move and I became entangled in the fucking traffic mess caused by the accident ahead.  What followed was nearly an hour of trying to get to Forest Lawn drive so that I could double back to Victory and then head North until I hit either Verdugo or Magnolia.  I decided on Verdugo.  Like I said, it took me until just past 7pm to arrive at TheGirl's.  Once I exited the freeway, and doubled back, I made great time.  I would have made that move if that dumb app had told me, not just showed me, to exit at San Fernando road.  Live and learn.

Dinner with TheGirl was nice.  I wanted to get a nice buzz on, but because I was so late I didn't want to get too boozed up, since I still have to drive home.  And sure enough, I didn't get too buzzed.  Well, not until later.  We chatted about stuff, the usual.  I played with TheGirl's dog afterwards.  We have a good time.  We did talk about possibly going to Disneyland on the 24th.  Yeah, I need to go again.  I know I'm going on Friday with my coworkers, but I need a trip with someone I know.  I told TheGirl also about how Shay and Snow were asking if I wanted to join them on Sunday.  I told her I didn't want to go, but she insisted I go.  I didn't want to tell her about how I was interested in Snow, and her rejection made me less likely to want to see her.  By the way, I like this more distant Snow these days.  She is dismissive of me, and that saves me from having to be dismissive of her.  I now see her true colors, and they are not flattering.  And Shay, she's OK, but I don't want to hang out with her, because I feel that's wrong since my buddy liked her and he was rejected by her.  I'd somehow be sanctioning her actions towards him, and I don't want even the specter of such a thing.  Bros before hoes, they say.

But my night wasn't over after I arrived home from dinner.  I made up for not drinking much at dinner with TheGirl by getting hammered.  I was so hammered that I passed out as I was jerking off.  I woke up a couple of hours later, still naked.  I got into bed, never having even jerked off.

Thu Jan 7, I woke up this morning with the porn that I had intended to use still on my computer screen.  Better luck next time, I guess.  I was told last night while driving to TheGirl's, while stuck in horrible traffic, that I was to start the route at noon today.  Fucking bullshit.  I was thinking that I could stay home until just before 11am, but my aunt sealed the deal by asking me a question that she didn't need to ask.  She seems ready to pepper me with questions these days.  I'm tired of it.  The second she opens her mouth to ask me a question, or to tell me something I could not give a shit about, I just want to bolt out the door.  This is why I ended up driving to work at 9am for a job I don't start until noon.  I parked the car down in B2, close to the old spot where TheGirl and I used to fuck during my lunch hour.

I can never seem to get enough sleep these days, so this time in the garage wasn't totally wasted.  I need the sleep, though I think it's probably not the best to get this sleep while parked twenty feet down in the ground in a parking garage.  It's not ideal, but until I can walk away from these jobs I have no other choice.

The route wasn't all that special.  However, this picture of the sun setting was kinda nice.

Tonight after the route I wasn't on the upstairs desk, but rather on the circulation desk.  That's unusual.  I don't honestly remember the last time I was on the circulation desk at night.  Tonight was super boring on the desk.  I heard someone say that there were only twenty-six patrons in the building.  That would seem to mean that we are not getting the numbers we were getting just a few weeks ago.  I can't blame people for not coming to the library, they probably want to be home, like I do.  There are probably no finals to study for.  Why would anyone want to come and stay at the library until 10pm, for fuck's sake?  After work I just wanted to go home, but I still talked to my buddy Dane.  I feel so bad for him, since he has to be out in this cold.  I can't imagine.  I can't complain about my life, when I know someone, a friend, has it worse.

Fri Jan 8, My coworker P had this idea that we would all go to Disneyland today.  Good idea, terrible execution of an idea.  She didn't get off work until 5pm, and usually I'm only good for a few hour at the park.  Especially when it's packed or near packed.  If the lines are more than fifteen minutes I usually don't want to wait in them alone.  If I'm with a friend, say TheGirl, I have someone to talk to when I go.  But otherwise I don't want to wait in line for every long.  I arrived at the park at 11:30am, after a long drive through traffic.  I think it took me about two hours to get from my door to inside the park.  That's already too much for me to deal with.  My coworkers texted me to say they were at DCA, and were going to come over in a while.  I quickly grabbed a bite to eat, a hot dog at Coke corner.  It hit the spot, but not entirely.  I was still hungry.  While I waited for them I then ate a churro.  They didn't text me after five minutes, and since I don't press things these days, I simply let things happen.  If they didn't text me when they were over at Disneyland then I guess they didn't want to meet up.  After finishing my churro I went to see how long the wait for Space Mountain was.  Seventy minutes.  Ah, no.  I did go get a fast pass for later, but the return time wasn't until 7pm.  WAY too late for my blood.  I knew I wasn't going to last that long.  And sure enough, I didn't.

The packed park made just walking a chore.  Too many people to wade through.  I was tired and hungry, and my coworkers hadn't texted me yet.  Oh well, I thought, I'll keep looking for a short line.  I wanted to go on the Mark Twain, but that was closed.  Then Tom Sawyer's Island, again, closed.  I was still hungry so I went to Hungry Bear for lunch.  I polished off a chiliburger with fries and decided I was done for the day.  I walked by the Haunted Mansion and that was closed.  I looked at my app to see what the wait times were and that clinched it.  I left and of course just as I'm arriving at the parking structure my coworker texts me to see where I am.  I told her I was done for the day.  The drive home was long, and it put the capper on my day.

Almost as soon as I arrived home I sat down and of course got an earful from my aunt.  I started watching an interview with the hack director of the new Star Wars movie, and passed out before I even finished it.  It was a long day, and although I only got on one ride I still had fun.  That one ride can't even be called a ride, it was a short montage of scenes from the Star Wars movies.  I bring this up because the scenes from the original trilogy looked amazing.  I don't think I've seen the first movie in a theater since I first saw it at the age of five.  Since then it's been all video.  The print was so sharp.  I imagine that's what they must look like in HD.  But the only HD videos they have are those horrible "Special Edition" crap that has the added Lucas crap.  I want to see the original trilogy in HD.  The theatrical versions of the movies, not these so-called special editions that are just crap.  Perhaps some day I'll get my wish.

I've been uploading my photos onto my Amazon cloud account, since I get unlimited space for pictures, and I've been checking out what's been going up to the cloud.  Ah memories.  Most of them from nearly a decade ago.  The picture above is of the Silmarillion, as my old buddy Wayne called her.  I lover her.  The story has been chronicled here, so no need to get into it now.  Suffice to say, it's the same old story with me.  I like a girl, I become their friend and I'm permanently ensconced in the "Friend zone," never to have an escape from there.  It happened with the Silmarillion, it happened with TheDesire, and it's happened with so many other women that I've been interested in.  It's because I'm a dope.  I don't make a move early on, and these women think I'm some kind of eunuch, only interested in them as friends.  Except for the few women that found me interesting enough to make the first move, I've been shot down by all these women that don't see me as a man, just as a friend.  This is why I'll most likely be alone for the rest of my life.  It will only change when a woman finds me interesting enough, like TheGirl did, to make a move on me.  Because only then will I know they're interested.

This other photo is of Talia, from way back in 2008.  She was the first girl in my adult life that I had no doubt wanted to sleep with me.  She regularly took her clothes off in front of me.  Hell, I still remember inviting her to the Ansel Adams exhibit at LACMA, and her striping off her clothes in my car.  She was the first significant relationship I had in my life.  It's messed up that she was so crazy in the head.  Back when I took this picture she did have a nice figure though.

Sat Jan 9, My first Saturday back at work after all the holidays.  I won't have to work next Saturday because they're closing for the MLK holiday.  And then the week after that I'm asking for the day off to work at San Marino.

It's so much better working when MicroManger isn't in there.  She's coming back soon, eleven days to be exact.  I heard she's already back in town.  I thought that TheDesire might work today.  It was good that she wasn't there today.  I saw on the reference board that she is still on sick leave.  I hope she feels better, but I'm glad that I will potentially not see her on a Saturday for three weeks or a month.  I might still see her during the week, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  It has been just about a month since that fateful Secret Santa dinner.  Since then I've thought long and hard.  And I've gone down memory lane with my photos that I'm uploading to the cloud.  All that has made me think long and hard about where I am in my life.  I'm not going to rehash this idea that I'm not likely to find myself in another relationship in my life.  I've talked about that here before.  What I want to say tonight is that I have thought about the consequences of that reality.  I can be like so many lonely people and wallow in the fact that I'm alone.  Or I can live my life to its fullest, not worrying about women.  Since I'm getting older and this year I'll turn 45, I think of my life as perhaps reaching its zenith soon.  That doesn't mean it's all down hill from here.  It just means that I've reached that high water mark.  There is a point that I'll have fewer days ahead of me than I have behind me.  I won't know it, but I want to have that second half of my life to use the accumulated knowledge of the first half of my life.  I've made a lot of mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make a lot more.  As a matter of fact, I think now, in my drunken state as I write this part of this entry, that perhaps the mistakes are what make life interesting.  Not all mistakes, mind you.  OK, I'll freely admit I'm not sure I'm making sense now.  I want to live my life not thinking of the loves I lost, the ones never gained, or the ones that might be.  I just want to have great adventures.

Tue Jan 12, Once again I had to pretend to leave for work early, despite not starting work until noon these days when I'm doing the route.  I went up to visit my Grandmother's grave today.  I haven't done it in a while, and I wanted to for the new year.  Not that dates should mean anything.  However, I did figure I best do something productive with my time.  I tend not to talk when I arrive at the grave, but then again I do.  I'm sure that my Grandmother isn't actually listening to me when I talk to her grave.  Essentially I talk to myself.  But in that moment I do make it like I'm talking to her, and some things I wouldn't normally say come out.  This time I visited and I didn't feel sad, but then I cried when I thought about how neither my Grandmother or my Mom were able to see me as I am today.  Both looked forward to seeing me graduate college, and to get a job.  They didn't get to see me do either.  That still pains me.

After my visit I went to work.  I was still early, but I knew that I would go there and take a nap.  Sure enough, I drive up and of course some idiot is parked in the van's spot, and the van is parked in Maleficent's spot.  I am in a personal crusade, you might say, to get these idiots to understand that this spot is not for them to park in.  I parked my car, went upstairs and called parking enforcement and waited for them to show up.  They did, I told them the situation and they gave this dummy a parking ticket.  Job done!  I don't see this truck all the time, but I know it must belong to one of the work crews that park here every day.  They take up all the prime monthly spots, and I've been forced to park my car, as well as the van, farther down the parking structure.  For my car I don't care.  But for the van, that has a reserved spot, I care.  After finishing up with the parking attendant I went back down to my car to take a nap.

TheDesire hasn't been at work for a while, since she's been battling a cold.  Well, today she showed up, and I saw her car parked near mine.  I knew I would bump into her today, and of course moments after getting back to my car she pops up.  We exchanged pleasantries, and she asked me for a hug.  A hug?  Really, now.  When I wanted that weeks ago I got nothing.  Today, unprompted she gives me a hug.  I would have liked to kiss her so many months ago.  Today... I could still kiss her.  Ha! Did you think I would say different?  Doesn't mean I still have affection towards her.  Just means she's a pretty girl still.  Seriously, if she gave me a chance today I would have to go for it.  Have to.  No chance in that happening.  But the Universe isn't interested in messing me up that much.  No way this happens and then she breaks up with me to marry some other guy.  THAT won't happen.  Instead I get this hug thing.  The thing is, TheDesire is back in my life.  I treated her with respect, and formally.  The hug was the only affection I tried showing her.  We talked for a bit.  She said she would return my movie that she has had for over a year now.  I'll see it when I believe it.  I didn't tell her I already replaced it.  She doesn't need to know that either.  I'm pretty sure that Emma told her that I was disappointed with my gift, and how I had a "crush" on her.  It wasn't a "crush," it was more than that.  It's all gone now.  I think I loved her, in my own way.  In that unrequited way where you can't really know it's love, because your feelings aren't reciprocated.  I've been in love, and the feelings for TheDesire are close to those of love.  Love adjacent, you might say.  Thanks, Universe.

Steve Martin's book, "Born Standing Up" has popped up at significant times in my life.  Today it was in one of the delivery bins.  It doesn't foreshadow something happening, but it seems to always catch my eye when I'm going through some changes in my life.  The route today was pretty standard for a Tuesday.  Tons of books for two particular branches, and small amounts for everyone else.  Not much else to report.  The day was long.

Wed Jan 13, My pseudo supervisor was out of the office today, dealing with her sister having an operation.  That didn't mean that I could just chill today.  There's a lot of work to be done for the upcoming Library Open House.  And then there was the fact that the power was going to be shut off to test the new generator hook-up.  A few months ago we lost power here at the library.  It was then that it was "discovered" that the automatic toilets didn't work if the power was out.  There is no manual override.  The library is designated to be a relief spot just in case of a disaster.  How can it serve that purpose if it can't even have the toilets flush?  Hence the addition of a generator hook-up.  When a disaster strikes someone will call the generator company, they will drive a generator from La Mirada, some twenty-five miles away, and hook it up to the building.  The plan is fail proof.  Until it's not.

My desk shift today was pretty standard.  The only excitement is when this attractive women came up to ask me a question about the community room.  She was a little older, but still really curvy.  It's hard to see in the photos, but she had all us guys turning our heads to check her body out.  She had a great butt.  I nearly asked her out for dinner.  But, thought better of it.  However, part of me regrets not at least taking some sort of shot at flirting with her.  She seems a little high maintenance.  But, can't tell until you make a move.  I'll see her again here.  The rest of my shift was nothing to really speak of.  It was standard.

Dinner with TheGirl tonight was kinda funny.  First, whens were deciding where to go I thought she meant another Mexican food restaurant that's just down the street from her place.  But, instead we went to this other place that she REALLY likes.  I think the food is OK, but the booze does hit the spot.  We talked about stuff.  I showed her some pictures from when were we dating.  These pictures are the ones that I'm currently backing-up to the cloud.  Which is why I recently saw them.

This photos was taken in March of 2011, in the midst of our relationship.  TheGirl awwed when she saw them.  I could tell she was nostalgic for that moment.  She then proceeded to tell me that she shows pictures of me to her coworker all the time.  Not sure in what context, because by then the booze had hit me, and I don't remember what she said.  Suffice to say, we are both still very significant parts of each other's lives.  We aren't dating any more, but obviously we are still very close.  These dinners are a testament to that.  Since we don't really HAVE to have dinner with each other each Wednesday, but we WANT to have dinner together.  It's something special to the both of us.  Perhaps we both wish it would have worked out, and this is how we keep it from completely dying.  We were a good couple, I think.  Correction, I know.  We were the couple I always wanted to be part of when I thought of the ideal couple.  Alas, we are better now than when we were dating.

Thu Jan 14, Once again I leave work early to avoid my aunt.  Every time I think of staying until later, she comes over and asks me a question I don't want to answer.  Oh, and that question is the trigger for me to just want to leave.

I posted a picture of TheGirl from 2011 on yesterday's post.  Of course now that TheDesire has shown up again in my life I find, in the same batch that I found TheGirl's picture from when we went to dinner in Eagle Rock, a picture of TheDesire from the same month and year.  Shown above, this is one of the earliest photos I have of TheDesire.  There's an earlier one, I saw, but this one is unaltered.  I'm not super nostalgic of TheDesire's photo, since there isn't much of a history there.  It's just a picture I took of her while she was talking to someone in the children's room.  It certainly doesn't have her looking at me with love the way the one I posted of TheGirl yesterday did.

The route today was chill, but then I had trouble getting some fuel for the van.  As you can see from the two pictures above, I didn't try just one pump.  The city has about four, maybe more, places to refuel the city vehicles.  The one at city hall is the one I always use, but I have used one at the police yard.  Since the van was showing about a quarter of a tank left I wanted to fill it up.  Of course they're working on something at the pump I always use.  I asked the garage guy if he could take me to the pumps at the police yard.  I don't have access to those pumps.  He had to let me in, and he did.  But, those stupid pumps didn't work for me either.  The pumps have a key and odometer combination to allow for refueling.  When I would get to the odometer part of the login it would ask me to re-enter the odometer reading.  I tried it over and over again, but it didn't work.  Frustrated I thought I could maybe, if I had time, try the pumps at the city lot just at the edge of town.  That pump did the same thing, it wouldn't let me pump gas.  It was bullshit!  I felt so bad for my buddy having to deal with this shit on Tuesday that I went to a gas station and put in $8 worth of gasoline out of my own pocket.  It was about the equivalent of the gasoline I used on today's route.

I went to Burger Queen for dinner, and when I returned I had to make a "special" delivery to the old folk's home I visit once a month.  Today was supposed to be the day.  I got the books, drove down to her place, and dropped them off.  I was done in less than half an hour.  The rest of the shift I stood at the circulation desk checking out a few patrons, and checking in a few books.  It was pretty slow.  After work I took Dane's stuff to hold for him until Saturday.  He has to go to the Welfare office tomorrow.  He might have to go back next month.  I gladly hold his stuff for him, because he can't be carrying it into the government office.  Also, he can't leave it where he sleeps, because someone will steal it for sure.  I'll hold it for him and come Saturday he'll have his stuff.

There was a news story about the people of Chino Hills going out the the 7/11 where the winning Powerball lottery ticket was sold.  I don't understand the mentality of going to that store and creating a scene.  They didn't win.  They lost.  But as some idiot in the article is quoted as saying, "I'm just here sharing the story of how proud and thrilled we are that this happened in our community."  The fucking community didn't win shit.  Someone that may or may not live in that area bought a ticket at that store.  It's likely the person lives in the area, but it's just as likely the person doesn't live there.  These dopes cheering a "win" for the community are idiots.  One person won, not the entire community.  Furthermore, I love how people then started to line up to buy a tickets there.  AFTER the big prize was already won.  I mean why?  I'll repeat, they didn't win.  The title of the article should just say "Losers celebrate that they are losers," instead of what it says now, "Powerball players celebrate win for Chino Hills."  I repeat, Chino Hills didn't win shit.  Someone won the prize, not the city, not the community.  These dopes rushing to the store makes no sense, and it makes me wonder about all human endeavors.  Certainly I already have a low thought of all humans, but this just lowers the bar that much further.  Morons.  My buddy mentioned that all these dopes want to be a part of something bigger than them, something special.  By that they become special themselves.  Yeah, but none of them are beautiful and unique snowflakes, to borrow a line.

Fri Jan 15, Today my faux work turned into real work.  Because of next week's open house I needed to go into work and get some stuff done.  Instead of pretending to go to work, I drove out to San Marino and got some things done for next week.  It helps me get a leg-up on this upcoming event.

Found out earlier this week that the guy who I replaced here at San Marino is getting married.  I also found out it's happening rather soon, February 6th.  He dropped me a hint when he asked if I did wedding photography.  I don't.  I fucking hate wedding photography, and weddings, and all that fucking shit.  Know what else I found out?  That I'm not invited.  Granted, we were buddies, but as it is in life we weren't real buddies.  We were work buddies.  I like the guy, and I wish him the best of luck.  As a matter of fact, I'm actually thankful that he DIDN'T invite me.  I don't like weddings.  I won't even be attending my own wedding.  Ha!

Sat Jan 16, Even though I had the day off from work today I still ended up going to the library.  My buddy Dane asked me to hold some of his things for him on Thursday, because he had to go to the welfare office yesterday.  I figured dropping them off today was good since I didn't want to stay home with my aunt around.  If she took off for the day I'd be fine with staying home.  Dane was waiting for me at the library, where he mentioned so many people were coming up to the doors and looking inside.  No one figures the library would take the entire weekend off for a Monday holiday.  But, Glendale does.  If there was only a magical device that allowed them to find out if the library was open or closed.  Hmm, something like, perhaps, a TELEPHONE!  As Dane points out, they all have smart phones.  Of course that doesn't make them smart.

I didn't have any plans for today other than going to get a burger later in the day.  I asked Dane if there was somewhere he wanted to go, and he said Alhambra.  Really?  He saw my question as a rejection of that idea, though I didn't really wasn't saying no.  But, before I could say anything he then said Pasadena.  I was OK with that.  I took him to old town, where he was more interested in walking around the area around old town, rather than Colorado proper.  My buddy Dane and I ended up in the Pasadena library.  Of course, on my day off I end up in a library.  What does that say about me?  We walked around Memorial park as well, and then finally I was getting hungry and I told Dane about my idea of going to this place called Hawkins House of Burgers.

The drive to Hawkin's was interesting.  I don't usually hang out in Willowbrook.  Driving there was a pain, since there was so much traffic on the 110.  Still, I made it.  But the exit was so terrible, and slow.  It turned out there was an altercation on the street, directly in front of where I was going.  One of the men was this strong fella, that I saw literally pick up the other guy, a skinny guy, and toss him into his truck bed.  I've never seen anything like that on the streets in my life.  It was nuts.  I simply hoped that the burger lived up to the hype.

I've been wanting to try Hawkins House of Burgers for about a year.  I'm always in search for a great burger in this town.  Hawkins lived up to the hype, though I can't say it's the best burger I've had.  The burgers are well crafted, and you can tell the burgers are made with love and care.  Definitely a great burger, but not the best I've had. 

It's late... nearly midnight as I write this.  I just finished watching an episode of House that I honestly don't remember when it was on TV.  During this season of House, he and Cuddy finally establish the relationship that lingered, but never came to fruition.  Of course, it was doomed from the start.  But at least he had that moment to remember.  I figured that would be how my relationship with TheDesire would go.  It would be great, while it lasted.  And of course it wouldn't, couldn't, last.  But I would give it my all.  Like I did with TheGirl, only somehow I would double my efforts.  Because I would want to prove something to myself and to TheDesire.  That I loved her, with all my heart.  Alas, it will never happen now.  And so I conclude my drunken thoughts for tonight.

Just one more thing.  Now this whole thing feels as if the progress I thought I made not having TheDesire on my mind was only happening because I didn't see her.  But now that I have seen her my mind doesn't think of what could be, but what might have been.  And now I have to deal with those feelings, because I'm not done mourning this loss, I suppose.  Because in the realm of what might have been everything is perfect.  Or because deep down inside I still have this thought that she might acquiesce and give me a chance.  THAT, will never happen.  I know it intellectually, but not emotionally.  However.  What I have to do is remember that Secret Santa gift over and over again, until it does sink in.  She doesn't want me.  Simple as that.

Sun Jan 17, I didn't think that work was going to be busy today, but then I am wrong a lot when it comes to predicting such things.  The main event that happened today on the desk was a woman that came up to me saying her son was missing.  We looked around the library.  I called the cops.  Nothing.  Turned out the kid walked right out the front door, and went to his mother's car and was sitting in it.  Can you believe that?  Meanwhile, her story was that he never leaves her side.  I watched the video and sure enough, it shows him just walking out the front door.  And before that he was most certainly away from the mom on at least two occasions.

My buddy surprised me with a text asking if I wanted to have dinner tonight after work.  Now, he lives pretty far, way out on the North side of the Valley.  I'm twenty-five miles away from my San Marino job, and that's a haul.  I just checked online and from my buddy's house it's approximately thirty-one miles to my job.  That's why I thought it was unusual that he said he would come out to San Marino to have dinner.  But, it turned out that he was invited to a thing today.  One of the librarians at one of the branches is apparently leaving Glendale for a County job.  Much better salary, and a higher position.  She's done good.  She wanted to announce it to a select group of her coworkers.  How my buddy got the invite I won't know until he texts me back.  Not that I'm so great, and of course because of work I wouldn't have been able to make it anyway.  However, I wonder how I didn't get an invite, but my buddy did.  TheDesire was there, who has a bit of a history with this particular librarian.  Still, I'm glad I didn't have to go.  My buddy reports that today was a good day in that more than ever he knows for sure that he doesn't feel anything for Shay.  All those feelings are gone.  I'm happy for him.  He needed freedom from that stuff.  I still need some time to get completely over TheDesire, but I'm getting there.  Good times.  OK, he texted me back and he says he has no idea, other than he does talk to her when he goes into the branch.  But, then again I do too.  Which makes me wonder why I didn't get an invite.  It's better that I didn't, since I didn't want to go, and I was working.

Mon Jan 18, The fact that it's MLK today didn't make it that I didn't have to go into work today.  My San Marino job has never closed for MLK.  In the past few years we attend a half day training session, where the library is closed and it appears to all the world that we closed for MLK.  But make no mistake, we don't close for MLK.  Every other library was closed today, I'm sure.  Not San Marino.  That is what it is, and I can't say much more to that.

I actually did have a lot of work to do today.  A lot of work this week, actually.  The eighth anniversary of the library's new building, and open house, is on Saturday.  I have to finish up my big time line project.  I'm nearly done.  It's not my favorite project, but it's nearly over now.  Friday at the latest.

Work went well today.  I took some lentil soup my aunt made me today, but I knew it wasn't going to be enough for lunch.  I ended up getting a burrito from up the street.  It was OK, but it at least it filled my belly.  While I was working my buddy was at a BBQ with some of our mutual Glendale coworkers.  Shay, Snow, TheDesire, and a bunch of others.  I was invited to go, but I couldn't since I was legitimately working today.  Not that I wanted to go anyway.  I didn't know that TheDesire would be there, but I do just want to avoid that whole bunch of people.  On the whole I think they aren't horrible, but I also don't think very highly of them.  Many of them, such as Snow, have shown their true colors and they aren't becoming.  Snow, told my buddy that he might love the city, but the city doesn't love him.  The context is giving more of yourself to the job, because you want to do a good job and want to go above and beyond.  But it's not a good idea, because the city will not appreciate you buy compensating you with money.  They'll just say, "Good work," and leave it at that.

My buddy told me that he had a couple of moments with Shay being Shay.  As I mentioned in my last entry, he said that he is totally over Shay.  He feels nothing towards her now.  Which is good, he's moved on.  But then we suspect that it's possible that Emma told Shay about my buddy liking her.  Which would explain some of Shay's actions as of late.  Today's events go like this.  Shay poured some soda, which he brought, into a cup and just as she was pouring it she realized that she didn't like that flavor.  She told him that she was sorry that because she opened it now he couldn't get a refund.  He shook his head and wondered what the fuck she was talking about.  I told him that the whole thing sounds like she's over compensating for something, since she's always saying sorry to him for anything she does.  I don't know where that is coming from, but it does seem like every one of his encounters with her ends up with her saying she was sorry for something she did.  To me that means Emma definitely told her that my buddy liked her.

TheDesire was at the BBQ, as I mentioned earlier.  Which makes it doubly good that I couldn't make it.  Not that I don't want to interact with her, but.. well, actually I don't want to interact with her right now.  I want to put some distance between us.  It's a physical way of manifesting the emotional space I'm putting between us.  I don't need to fall down that hole again and think that something wonderful is going to happen.  I took my shot, and failed.  Then I licked my wounds and thought that if I just doubled my efforts I could turn that failure into a "win."  Boy was I wrong.  I don't think I've ever been so wrong about something in my entire life.  I certainly can't think of a moment when I was this completely wrong.  Hermit mode is part of this whole "moving on" thing.  There needs to be a separation for now.  There will come a day when I can be like my buddy and have no feelings for TheDesire.  That day isn't here yet, but it will be here soon.

Tue Jan 19, The big open house is on Saturday, so this week will be about really getting this stuff done.  I'm pretty much done with everything, but of course something always comes up at the last minute.  Today I dedicated to printing what I had ready.  The beast is slow to print, but I think it's because of the slow computer that we have attached to it.  It's frustrating that I have to restart the computer nearly every time.  Maybe I should just shut it down every time I'm done with it.  I worked, and worked, printing what I had.  I was tired.  I didn't eat anything this morning, and I didn't eat anything for lunch, even though I had something.  Just wasn't in the mood.

LM came in for a visit.  All the way from England, she did.  She and her husband were in the office upstairs.  I went to get the mail, and sign in.  There she was.  It's kinda strange to see someone you slept with now in a new relationship.  And in LM's case it must be strange to see me.  But whatever, I treat everyone the same.  I greeted her and listened to her stories.  It sounds like she's super happy living in England.  Does make me wish I could travel more.  Alas, it may not be meant to be.  I may, at the end of it all, be like George Bailey, who dreamed of traveling to so many places.  But never got out of Bedford Falls.

Not that I was super hungry, despite not eating all day, but I did want to get some food into my belly before starting job two.  I went to Panda Inn to get some food.  It hit the spot.  I then took a short nap in my car.  It rained today, and the ground was still wet.  It was nice to have the sleep.  Though, I notice that I wake up sometimes more tired than when I started my nap.  I read an article that says a twenty minute nap is just right.  Anything more than that and the nap is too long, and the benefits of the nap are negated.  Tell that to my sleepy brain.  I am always so sleepy these days.  I have long days, and I go to bed late.  It makes for a bad mix, since I still have to wake up early the next day.

Of course the Universe had to have me work with TheDesire today.  She looked nice.  I tried not to think of that.  Tried to stay at my end of the desk.  But, of course a patron comes up, asking for a man's help, and TheDesire calls me over.  She looked nice.  Oops, I already said that.  This clearly shows that I still have some unresolved issues with my feelings towards TheDesire.  They didn't show up because she wasn't here around me to see.  But now that she's back, and I seem to be interacting with her all the time, I have found that I haven't dealt with shit.  I need to figure this out.  Less I go down that familiar path of hope.  There is no hope.

Wed Jan 20, I have gone over my hours for this pay period, so I'm not going to be paid for the printing and working I'm doing this morning until the next pay period.  I think that I've worked close to sixty hours this fortnight.  I say I think because on my time card I had fifty-two hours, and that was before I knew how many hours I was working on Friday and Saturday.  The boss already knows that I'm going to do some "creative accounting" during the next couple of pay periods.  In other words, I'm covered.  I'll get paid for this time, of course, it's just that I'll have to spread it out over a couple of pay periods.

I was quite busy at the desk today.  So many things that I don't remember all the details.  Mostly it was putting the finishing touches on the time line project.  The boss looked over it today and made some corrections.  I made the changes, and hopefully on Friday I'll be all set to print them up.  Woo!

After the packed and tiring week I've had (mind you, it's only Wednesday, but since I work on Sunday I'm already four days into my week) I was tired and in need of the traditional Wednesday night dinner with TheGirl.  It was her turn, and she made pasta and salad.  It hit the spot.  So did the rum and Coke she made me.  It was strong.  The conversation tonight turned to TheGirl's friend and her hanging out.  Also how TheHusband, who she hangs out with a lot, still throws her cheating in her face.  She's tired of it, but she says she just changes the subject.  She mentioned how he's a miserable guy.  Some people just are, I guess.  I'm lucky that's not my default.  Though, this week has me feeling down.  I don't know exactly why, but I feel extra tired.  Just about three weeks into this new year and already I feel I'm done with 2016.  At the end of the month I evaluate the month and give it a grade.  I'm jumping the gun, but I can't imagine I would give this month anything better than a C.  At most.  Unless something super great happens in the last week, I can't see a better grade for this month.

Thu Jan 21, I'm not sure it was the combination of the rum and Coke from dinner with some whiskey I drank once I arrived home, but this morning I was not feeling well.  I've had what I call "phantom" tooth pains over the last couple of weeks, and today that came back along with the overall hungover feeling.  I don't usually react to mixing drinks like this, but there's always a first time.  I was glad that I didn't have to start until noon today.  But, my buddy was telling me that yesterday he was told that he would start work at 10am next week.  I figured MicroManager would tell me the same thing today.  It's actually a better start time for me.  Because I arrive here to early anyway, since I'm escaping my aunt at home.  Oh, that reminds me.  This morning she once again brought up going over to my Godmother's to place the spy camera in her room to see if the neighbor is stealing from her.  This week is packed on my schedule.  Her bringing this up just made me want to throw up.  Or maybe it was the rum.  She once again comes and talks to me when I'm eating to tell me this shit, saying something stupid.  "You don't work seven days a week," she said.  I know it's true I don't, but I don't want to be here.  So yes, I pretend to go to work on some days.  I would very much like to sleep all day on my day off.  But I can't.  I have to pretend to go to work and then go to the park, or somewhere else.  Although, the last two weeks I have been working nearly every day.  The statement by her just made me sick.  I should say sicker, since the booze did its job as well in that regard.  I immediately lost my appetite.  I still had some food on my plate, but I just took it into the kitchen, where she clearly saw that I stopped eating after she talked to me.  She simply tires me out with her questions when I'm eating.  It puts me in the a bad mood.

The route today was OK, nothing special.  Well, there's a new girl at treasury.  I noticed that Cblocker was sitting in TreasuryGirl's desk.  I thought, "Did she quit?"  I looked over and saw her name in another desk far in the back of the office.  I noticed that last week they were showing her some stuff, like new stuff to do.  New duties, no doubt.  I still think I'll see her, especially with the new hours.  But it did suck to think that I wasn't going to see her again.  She's pleasant, and beautiful.  I thought about how I should ask her out.  I'll be shot down for sure, but what the fuck.

Then there was the issue with the pump.  My buddy tried to get gasoline yesterday, but the key didn't work.  The guy at the city yard told him that it was likely that something locked out the key, and that it would have to be reset.  I went to the garage, hoping someone there could help me out.  Sure enough the guy there heard my story and reset the key.  He told me that the pump would be working at the city hall lot tonight, and to come around later to see if the reset worked.  I made a little time to come back, and sure enough the key worked.  I pumped the gas and filled the tank.  Needed that. {sleeping in my car} I went back to base and picked up my dinner.  I heated it up and went to my car to eat, and sleep.  At first I didn't seem to be able to sleep.  But moments after that I dozed off and woke up really sleepy.  It's been a long week.  I just have to make it to Saturday, and then Disneyland on Sunday.  I can take the foot of the pedal then.

I was doing pretty good, so I thought, dealing with my feelings towards TheDesire.  But, of course the other night she was all friendly and pretty that it did melt my heart a little.  I tried to remain strong and remember that she was just a friend.  A pretty friend, but a friend none the less.  But of course the Universe has to up the ante on me and have her interact with me more today.  As I was coming back from "dinner" break she nearly crashed into me as she was going to get something out of her car.  We talked for a little bit, and all those negative feelings went away.  THIS is why I liked her so much.  Because we could talk.  But, the reality is this doesn't change anything.  When I look at her from now on I have to picture the gift she gave me.  I have to remember how that made me feel.  I have to, because being the idiot romantic that I am I started to think that these encounters meant something.  They don't.  They're just a product of dumb luck, and of working in the same place she does.  I just couldn't shake the idea that there's still unfinished business with TheDesire.  I shouldn't think that way, but I do.

Fri Jan 22, Tomorrow is the day, the big open house.  I'll be super glad when it's over.  I'm tired of this shit.  Today was mentally tiring.  It's all really a blur now.  I do want to explain the pictures above.  The first is of my desk, or should I say the wall against my desk.  I try not to add too many personal things to that wall.  I don't want to be that attached to this or any place.  I found a map of Carmel in my car, and decided it was nice to put it up on my board.  This way I can go back there in my mind.  Perhaps plan out my next trip up there.  The second picture is of the slab of cement they poured to deal with the drainage problem on the west side of the library.  This planter area was soaked.  This is yet another design element that makes me wonder if a real architect made this building.

I met up with Misa and Vagabundo at the parking lot at work to then drive down to downtown Los Angeles for some yummy food.  My buddy and I are going to make this the year of food.  Tonight was Chichen Itza, near Exposition park.  The food is Yucatecan.  I had two dishes, though I wasn't sure I would finish them.  One was the fish tacos, which were among the best I've had.  The second was Torta de Poc Chuc, which is, to quote the internet, "a dish of meat, commonly pork, that is prepared in citrus marinade and cooked over a grill."  Both dishes were really great.  I only wish my appetite was better.  But this damn phantom pain makes me want to throw up some times.  I can't say the pain has even been more than a 2 out of 10 on the pain scale they use in hospitals.  But it's just annoying, like what it must be to have a drop of water fall on you every few seconds.  That is said to drive people mad.

The rest of the crew was rounded up by Squire and his girlfriend.  He had news tonight that he's making his plan to get out of the library.  Good for him.  He's way too smart of this shit.  Then again, so are Vagabundo and myself.  We need to escape as well.  A good time was had.  A group of really pretty girl from USC down the street, no doubt, also came in.  Each one looked better than the next.  It was a pleasure.  The end of the night came early.  Mainly because I still had work the next morning, and I was tired.  I dropped Misa off, and that's when she told Vagabundo and me that her husband has two tumors in his brain.  AGAIN!  Again, mind you.  He's already had four operations for the same thing.  Each time has been difficult.  And now they're going to have to go through all this again.  His body seems to be betraying him.  They'll operate on his, take the tumors out, and then they'll just came right back.  It's a horrible cycle.  One has to wonder if he can go through more of these bouts with tumors.  I can't imagine he can go on indefinitely cycling through being sick and then getting well and then being sick again.  I feel for Misa.

Sat Jan 23, Waking up this morning was nearly impossible.  With all the extra hours that I've been putting in at work I'm ready to just plop.  But just one more day... today.  That all I had to survive was today.  I'm happy to report that the day went well.  It was rush, rush, rush, the entire time, but it was fun.  But, before that I had to struggle to get out of bed.  My phantom tooth pain returned.  I think it's not really tooth pain, because it doesn't start hurting until after I wake up.  What kind of pain does that?  Also, I've had tooth pain before and this kinda feels like something else.  I've never had tooth pain that comes and goes like this does.  Suffice to day I'm in pain though.  It's a dull pain, that never seems to leave.  It's the kind of pain that just saps your energy though.  In that way it's worse than the pain I've had to deal in the past.

Still, I made it to open house.  My posters (shown above) were put on display for all to see.  Assuming anyone looks up.  Ha!  I once again did not eat breakfast this morning.  It was enough that I got out of bed and took a shower.  I was not feeling up to eating, what with the phantom pain.

There was a point where I was able to buy a burger off the foot truck that came for the event.  That hit the spot, and helped me continue the rest of the day.  The rest of the day I pretty much did everything.  I helped answer questions.  I helped patrons with reference questions.  I checked out books.  I helped out one of the acts.  I was pretty much everywhere today.  That helped me not think of the phantom pain.

There are a lot of little things that happened, but nothing so grand that I want to write about it here.  Suffice to say, I'm glad this is over.

I went home and passed out in my chair.  I still had my work shirt when I woke up about an hour later.  I ate some food, and called it a night.  I was a tired monkey.

Sun Jan 24, I woke up this morning before my alarm woke me up.  Thankfully without the pain I've been experiencing lately.  However, as I lay in bed the pain slowly came to my face until the dull pain was back.  It made me not want to eat anything for breakfast.  It nearly dominated the day ahead.  Thankfully the tooth pain medication numbed it all up good, and for the majority of the day I was a-ok.  I had to deal with the nausea I felt from the dull pain this morning, and not eating, but that was better than the pain.  I arrived at TheGirl's place, where we meet up with TheGirl's daughter and her boyfriend.  Upon arriving at Disneyland we talked about the new security procedures in place, and wondered if it wouldn't be easier to enter the park through the monorail.  We went, and thankfully the line was short.  But then we walked up to the queue it was pretty full.  It was obvious at that point we weren't the only ones with this idea.  We got on the second of two monorails that serviced the station.  Only a few people were let in after we went in. Not sure why, but they didn't let more than a few people in after us.  It looked we didn't really save much time going this way.  But, live and learn.

Disneyland, as it always is with TheGirl, is fun.  TheGirl wanted something to eat, so we went to Jolly Holiday for a muffin.  I was still dealing with the phantom pain, so I wasn't feeling hungry.  Yet.  We ate the dry muffin, that TheGirl didn't like.  I don't like blueberry, so that was that.  We went on Big Thunder, and then went to buy a Mickey pretzel.  But, TheGirl remembered that her daughter said they were making a special churro funnel cake at Hungry Bear.  We went there and sure enough it looked like Hungry Bear was closed.  But, we could see that it was just covered up for renovations to the river.  We ordered up our funnel cake and boom, went at it.  It was good.  Despite my stupid phantom pain I loved the funnel churro.  Damn good.  It was the first thing I ate today.

We went on some more rides.  When we arrived at the park we went straight to Space Mountain, now called Hyperspace Mountain, and got ourselves a fast pass for later.  When we arrived the line was short, for us with fast passes.  We went in, were nearly on the ride, when it broke down.  We were told that the delay would be longer than fifteen minutes, so we would have to leave.  In situations like this they do have tickets to return later, at any time of the day.  I figured that if the ride came back online we could come back after lunch.

By this time I was feeling hungry, and so was TheGirl.  We went out to Storytellers, a nice sit down restaurant at one of the hotels.  When we were still dating the two of us went there to celebrate my promotion to delivery driver at Glendale.  It holds good memories, and has really awesome food.  My favorite is the corn chowder.  It's just the right amount, and great tasting.  It's one of my favorite things to eat at the parks.  I didn't order booze because my stomach was still not quite settled.  Still, it was great.  I'll have to come here again some time soon.

At supper we talked about some things that were obviously on TheGirl's mind.  Like dating.  A few days ago she mentioned how someone said to her that our Wednesday night dinners were tantamount to dating.  Even though they aren't, I can see how someone would think that.  Today she mentioned that it was some guy that said this to her from some dating site.  They haven't even met and he's already telling her what to do.  She said that this was it, no more dating.  She was going to take down all her profiles online.  I don't feel good about this, but part of me did wonder why she even tries.  I think it's because I've given up that I wonder why anyone else even tries.  But, I admire that she did try, despite the odds being so bad.  This city is not conducive to dating.  The men seem to be like hungry wolves looking to feast.  And sadly, so do the women.  I told a friend that I would want to just have a fuck buddy situation, but since I don't go out or try to pick someone up I don't see that manifesting again.  Also, how messed up is it that I feel that I can't get anything going with a woman that I have to resort to just wanting to fuck them and be done?  This is my present situation.  I'm "dating" my ex-girlfriend, and we have a great time when we hang out.  But I know there's no future with her as a girlfriend.  None at all.

After supper we tried our hands at Hyperspace Mountain again.  This time we got on.  I went online a few weeks ago to see what the ride looked like, and for some reason they had more stars projected on that video than what I saw today.  That's OK, the ride was awesome.  Even though I had to breath a special way as not to choke since my stomach was still feeling strange.  It was damn fun, and I can't wait to ride it again.  This might be one of the last times we go to Disneyland together, since TheGirl said she doesn't want to renew her AP when it expires in May.  I think since she doesn't go as much as she used to, she can't justify the cost.  That's understandable, especially since she told me that her landlord will likely up her rent this year.  Couple those things with not knowing if she's still going to have a job at her current bank and you can see why TheGirl is reluctant to spend her money on an annual pass that costs upwards of $300.

TheGirl drove, so I was glad not to have to drive home after being so tired.  Going all out the last couple of weeks with work and then this phantom tooth pain that saps my energy had left me tired today.  Speaking of my pain, I think I cracked it.  It doesn't seem to be related to my teeth.  Well, not directly.  I think it comes from the muscles in that area being cramped up from when I grind my teeth at night.  I will often wake up with jaw pain from the grinding I do when I'm asleep.  Not good.  I figured this out when I rubbed the area with my finger and kinda smoothed out the pain.  If it was tooth pain it would still hurt.  But since it's a cramp my massaging it made it feel better.

One of the highlights of today was being able to get Chan his birthday button.  I've gone to Disneyland SO many times without getting Chan his birthday button.  But today, at Hungry Bear, TheGirl and I got hims his button.  It wasn't easy.  The cast members there all wanted to pass the buck to another cast member.  The first girl TheGirl asked shouted out to another girl, that told TheGirl that her handwriting was bad because, "She takes notes all day."  What the fuck does that mean?  As an aside, I've noticed that cast members at the park aren't their old selves lately.  There are more than a few times that I've had cast members say that they couldn't wait to go home.  Or just say anything negative.  I know it's a job, and I hate my job.  However, I don't like them voicing this sort of stuff.  I get it, but I don't want to hear it.  I don't tell patrons at the library that I hate my job.  They shouldn't either.  Besides, Chan having a birthday button is VERY important to me.  He's a stuffed monkey, but hims my stuffed monkey.  And deep down inside he's me.  And that button means something to me.

Mon Jan 25, I didn't have the luxury of waking up late today.  Despite the fact that I didn't plan on going into work at the regular time.  I had to run an important errand first.  I had to drop off my dying external hard drive.  Before I could drop it off I had to kill some time.  I wanted to wait until I had to leave for the place, but my aunt started in with her questions.  I left at 9am, instead of 9:30, like I planned on originally.  I figured I would waste some time at Target while I bought some things.  I bought my things and dropped off the hard drive, then went to work.  They'll let me know about their progress and price in the next few days.

One of the things I did today was take a picture of my neighbor's house.  She's passed, as I've said in this journal before.  Her house is now sold.  Most likely to someone that flips houses.  The place looks nice.

Today was actually a busy day for me at work.  I had to get a bunch of things done, but then a whole other set of things came upon me.  I was able to get through most of them.  My big project for today was getting confirmation on a street banner with the person that won an auction at this past October's library fundraiser.  The city is going to order the new banners and then put them up next week.  I had to follow up with the prize winner and see what she wanted on the banner.  Most people want their name, but I can't assume that.  By the end of the day she didn't get back to me though after I left her a voice message in the morning.  What is up with people?

My visit with TheGirl was nice.  I mean I did just see her yesterday when we went to Disneyland.  The visit was nice, but I have been dealing with this fucking phantom pain for what feels like a week.  It makes me tired.  Today was no exception.  Still, Chan and I had a nice visit.

Tue Jan 26, There isn't much to report about today's route except to say that today was the first day I drove under the new route time of 10am.  MicroManager, in her infinite wisdom, decided that it was a good idea for us to start the route at 10am and end at 5pm.  She only made it 5pm because she added an hour for lunch.  Then, instead of the old two hour "dinner" break I was given a three hour "diner" break.  My buddy already said when we talked about it last week that he was not going to do it.  Tomorrow will be the day he says something to MicroManager, or not.  I suspect to keep the peace, like I'm doing, he may not say anything at first.  But he will say something.  I don't like having to spread out eight hours of work into a twelve hour work day.  That's four hours during the day I'm not getting paid to be at work.

Perhaps I shouldn't have spoken too soon about that huge gap, because nearly as soon as I got into work MicroManager said that she had me scheduled to work eleven hours on Thursday.  Fucking shit!  I don't even think that's legal.  Try telling her that.  We are down to so few workers that she has to plug holes in the schedule with my buddy and me.  It's not fair, but at least I get a few hours out of the deal.

But, then there are the advantages to this schedule.  I get to have an extra hour of rest before going to work upstairs.  Which is pretty easy most nights.  The three hour "dinner" break does allow me to get some food and then take a nice long nap.  It's certainly not ideal, but I do need that time for a nice rest.

Wed Jan 27, Because my pseudo supervisor is out of town I thought that I could come in a little later today.  But of course there had to be a morning meeting this morning.  The meeting was useless.  The main thing I had to do this morning I had to follow up with the woman that I called on Monday regarding the street banner.  I emailed her on Monday, and I thought to check yesterday for her response.  Nothing.  I called her and she said that she didn't have the time to write me back.  Ah, it takes about thirty seconds to write me back an email saying she likes it or doesn't like the banner I mocked up.  Whatever, I got her on the phone and cornered her.  I knew I would get a response today before the day was over.

I had lunch today with a former coworker from the library.  She wanted to have lunch two weeks ago, but I told her that I was swamped with work, which was true.  I wonder about Angelita's motives for hanging out with me.  She's married, has four kids, and doesn't need to give me the time of day.  Yet, here we are at her behest having lunch.  If she wants to have an affair she sure isn't as straightforward as TheGirl was when she jumped me in her kitchen.  I don't get that vibe from Angelita though.  Maybe she just took a shine to me.  Maybe she thinks of me as a brother.  Either way, she only has a half an hour for lunch.  Which meant I went to the restaurant first and ordered.  She arrived later and we talked about our jobs.  We haven't hung out socially, hence us not being able to talk about social stuff like that.  If she does want me to jump her she needs to be a little more blatant than she is right now.  I'm not even sure I want to go there.  Her husband is a cop, and Hispanic.  Which means I would surly be shot.  TheGirl's husband would have beat me up, but this guy won't even use his hands.  He's just frame me by planting drugs on my corpse.  Ha!

My phantom pain didn't really bother me today, but I did give myself a headache by clinching my jaw today thinking about my phantom pain.  ARGH!  The entire time I was on the reference desk today I had a headache.  It wasn't a bad headache, but it was a headache nonetheless.  I didn't want to take any medications for the pain, because I knew I wanted to have a drink at dinner tonight.  Still, if I had taken a couple of pills early on when the pain hit me I could have had plenty of time to let the drugs out of my system and still had a drink tonight.  Oh well.  The price I pay for booze.

Dinner with TheGirl was nice, but also subdued because of my damn all day headache.  I ordered a drink and fish & chips for dinner.  However, the drink was meh, and hit only made my headache worse.  That made my appetite go away, making it a struggle to finish my plate of food.  I didn't.  I think I would have done better to order the Reuben tonight.  TheGirl and I had a good time though.  We didn't talk about anything important during dinner.  No big revelations tonight.  Just a good time.  My headache definitely made me not want to talk as much tonight.  Still, a good time was had.

Thu Jan 28, Last night I went to bed at 9:57pm.  I know this because I turned around to see the clock while getting into bed.  Not only was I tired, but I was still suffering from a headache.  I passed out fast, but woke up at 1:30am this morning.  I peed, drank some water, took an aspirin, and went back to sleep.  I woke up feeling nice and rested this morning.  I paid off my car bill, of which I only have $1877.96 left to pay.  That's not including what I paid today.

Today has been the longest day.  I'm writing some of this upstairs at work, as I wait for the clock to strike 10pm.  Then I can get out of here and fucking rest.  Happy to report that my phantom pain was gone.  Well, mostly.  It didn't hurt like it has the past few days.  Perhaps it's because I nipped it in the bud with some aspirin this morning.  Perhaps not.  The other day MicroManager told me that she was scheduling me for eleven hours today.  Oh the fuck?  Look at the above picture for my schedule.  It's horrible.  I asked her about a dinner, and she said that she scheduled a late lunch.  Ah, that schedule doesn't mean shit to me.  I eat when I'm hungry, not when she puts it on the schedule.  I knew today was going to be long, so I figured I would take my own dinner.  And I did.  More on that later.

First thing, some idiot parked in the boss' parking spot this morning.  To cut a long story short, it turned out to be the new lady in administration.  Oh well.  Don't park in reserved spots.  That spot is for the boss, not you.  I don't know the lady, but yeah.  She can't park there.  I called parking enforcement and got her a ticket.  If the boss let her park then then she can take it up with the city.

I hurried through the route today in order to get that little extra time for dinner.  Thankfully there weren't that many book bins today.  I feel rushing through the route is a good idea anyway, since I have to work so many hours.  I can take a bit of a break before going back to home base.  On other days it's not such a priority, since I have to wait around for two, now three hours, to do the second part of my shift.  However, today there would be no rest period for me to eat and take my nap.  Fucking shit.  MicroManager isn't right.  I'm not even sure that the schedule she gave me today was legal.  I get paid, but I should be getting overtime.  Someone I know is looking into that though.

On the route today I was talking to this one girl that mentioned she saw my posts from Disneyland on Sunday.  My food items.  I told her, "We should go."  I'm going to try and kiss that girl.  Pictured above, she's pretty.  My buddy and I always say that she has a knowing smile.  Oh, speaking of my buddy, he finally texted me today.  I didn't ask him what happened to him yesterday.  Maybe he just wanted to take a break.  Which is fine by me.  I don't want to force anyone to do anything.  Still, it's good to have him back.

One of my coworkers was talking to me about TheDesire for a minute.  He said he would have liked to have slept with her.  Yeah, so would I.  I wanted more than just the physical though.  I wanted it all with her.  Alas, that's in the past.  Her birthday is coming up in March.  She's turning thirty-five this year.  I think she's still wonderful.  I look at her and I remember why I liked her, and fell for her.  But, then I also remember that fucking Secret Santa gift.  I do reflect, as I've said so many times here, of what might have been.  Of course in my mind it would have all been positive.  I don't know that for sure.  I assume, but even with TheGirl things weren't all great.  Our relationship did have some downs, as well as ups.  I'll repeat something my old boss said to me after TheGirl broke up with me.  He said that nothing ill-begotten could last.  Guess not.  TheDesire wasn't going to be ill-begotten though.  Ahhh, why do I bring this up all the time.  Fuck it!

Fri Jan 29, My coworker Lillian gave me a ticket to the Huntington a couple of weeks ago.  Today, on my day off, I decided to go there.  I wanted to focus my visit to the desert garden, and then do the rest of the gardens.  I started at the desert garden, and then made my way around the ground in a counter clockwise direction.  Sadly, the drought has made all the gardens look like desert gardens.

My first stop was the desert garden.  In most other visits I tend to travel in a counter clockwise direction.  The desert garden has been skipped, because it's too late in the day.  I'm tired, or a dozen other reasons.  I like the desert garden though.  Today it shinned under the slightly red tented sky.  As I said before, the rest of the grounds looked dry.  One, because of the tint in the sky.  But also because of the drought.

I was looked at sideways by the other park goers.  Simply because I'm walking the grounds alone.  ARGH!  Big fucking deal.  I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.  I have no problem with that.  Why does every fucking idiot have a problem?  I did my "try to avoid eye contact with people" move.  I don't like using that move, but on things like today's walk I tend to bust out with the complete ignore of others.  There was a girl that I bumped into a couple of times on the trails.  I totally ignored her.  I didn't want her to get any ideas I was checking her out.  I didn't want to interact with anyone today.  Thankfully the gardens were pretty empty.

After the desert garden I went to the lily pond, one of the nicer parts of on the grounds.  Next to that the tropical forest is great.  This part of the park needs water, and I'm sure it gets its fair share.  The waterfall makes for a great feature.

Next stop was the Japanese garden.  The very dry Japanese garden, I might add.  The garden is still very beautiful, but I will say that some of the magic was gone because everything was just so dry looking.  Still, it's one of my favorite parts of the park.  I continued to the Chinese garden, but that's also super dry, and unfinished.  The new section is just kinda here, right now.  It will look good in a few years, but today it was just dry.

Following that I decided to go up to the mausoleum.  The old path to the mausoleum was a driveway to a back area.  However, in the new configuration that driveway is now part of the main parking lot.  To get to the mausoleum one must go through what feels like a back area of the grounds.  It's not, but I could see the back area of the grounds, where they keep plants and other equipment.  I hope they do something about that being the new path.  Still, returning to the mausoleum was neat.  One of the last times I went up there was with TheGirl.  That was a good day.

After the mausoleum I was feeling a little hungry, so I decided to go to the little cafe next to the tea room.  In the past I've had burgers there.  This time, no one seems to be even manning the service counter.  I suppose they want people to head to the next cafe by the entrance to the park.  OK, I thought, I'll give it a try.  I walked in and saw that pretty much the items that were in the other cafe had been moved to this new location.  OK, that's fine.  I wasn't sure what to eat either way, but I finally settled on an overpriced slice of pizza and a soda.  The two things cost me nearly $9, with tax.  What a total rip-off.  Especially since the pizza was mediocre.  Why is it that any and every museum I visit always has the worst food?  I think the only place I had an OK meal at a museum or garden was at the de Young in S.F.  I had the fanciest hot dog and fries there that I've ever had in my life.  But, at least the meal tasted good.  Whatever, I just needed to eat something.  I later thought that I should have gone to the Hat for a pastrami sandwich.  Oh well, too late now.

I was pretty much done with the Huntington after "lunch."  I didn't want to go home, because the kids were still at home.  And, I didn't want to go home and deal with my aunt yet.  I decided to go to work and get some things done.  I didn't know exactly what, at first.  However, I did come up with the idea of fixing my other website, Things Eye See.  I thought that the splash page was a little dull.  I went to work, and started thinking of what I could do.  After having seen the Japanese garden I thought to go simple.  I really love the Japanese aesthetic of clean lines and simple forms hiding a complex structure.  I went about thinking of what I could do, and I came up with a simple image of one of my better photos, against a black background.  I think it works.

After going into work for a little bit I left to get my hair cut.  The sides of my hair were getting a little wild.  I don't know how busy next week is going to be, so I decided to make some time today to get this hair cut.  I took Chan along with me in order for hims to say hi to my barber.  My barber gets a kick out of seeing that monkey.

The hair cut felt nice.  But of course my good time had to end as soon as I arrived at home.  My aunt sees me come in and says to me, "You didn't eat that meat I cooked for you."  ARGH!  Maybe it's because I had other food.  See, she has a tendency to make lots of one thing.  I know she does it to save time.  She doesn't want to be slaving over a hot stove every day.  However, what happens is that she makes a mountain of one item, and my taste buds get burnt out on having that same dish for three or four days straight.  Or she'll only make mac & cheese and expect me to live on that the entire week.  Ah, I need something that will fill me up and stick to my ribs.  Mac & cheese just isn't going to cut it, I'm sorry to say.  I love her, but she can't expect me to eat a mountain of the same dish for so many days in a row.  What I try to do is eat it a couple of days in a row, take a day break and come back to it.  It doesn't always work.  Sometimes the food is just tasteless.  She overcooks it.  Again, I appreciate her cooking for me, but she can't expect me to eat the same thing for a week straight.  It's just not reasonable.  Her brining it up in this way also just adds to my tension.  I'm already dealing with my teeth grinding and probably causing my phantom pain all this week.  Her bringing this up just makes me want to drink.

Sat Jan 30, Today the following texts were sent to me by TheDesire.  Funny, I think she sensed a disturbance in the force.  Read on.

The thing with this whole thing I don't understand is the timing.  Over the last few weeks since that fucking Secret Santa dinner I have been purging my feelings for TheDesire.  I've been acting nice to her the last couple of weeks because I didn't want things to get weird between us.  But it's funny that TheDesire sensed the opposite feeling from my niceness.  Sure, a few months ago I was being nice in hopes she would change her mind.  However, since December I pulled back.  I stopped leaving her notes.  I stopped texting her.  I stopped all this because I stopped feeling those feelings for her.  I've been working through those leftover feelings of what might have been.  But really, I don't feel what I used to feel for her.  I have to work with her, so I've tried to be nice to be civil with her.  I didn't want things to get weird, since I still have to work with her.  However, it seems like she read the entire thing wrong.  This is definitely another reason why I can't deal with women any more.  They just don't get me.  I'm glad I made the choice to not pursue TheDesire, or any woman for that matter.  They just aren't worth my time.  This life is too short to deal with time wasters.

Sun Jan 31, Perhaps it's not a coincidence that some things seem to happen for a reason.  I don't believe in such things has fate, but sometimes things happen that make me think that they aren't a coincidence.  Today's example, the show The Flash.  It was all about letting go.  Like I let go of TheDesire a couple of months back.  But I'll be honest, there was a tiny part of me that hoped when she was texting me yesterday that she was going to tell me that she reconsidered and wanted to go out with me.  It was a tiny hope, but when it was the opposite I wasn't surprised.  I would have been more surprised it it had been the other way around.  Still, the show was poignant in that the Flash had to let go of someone he cared for.  I liked TheDesire.  I think she's a little full of herself now, since I haven't made any gestures towards her in two months.  And yet she still thinks I'm trying to win her over, when clearly I'm not any more.  Before that Secret Santa dinner I would say she was right.  As I keep saying though, that was TWO months ago at this point.  Two months in which I have not communicated with her via text.  Two months in which I didn't leave her any notes.  Two months in which I actively tried to ignore her.  Two months in which I purged any hopes of her changing her mind.  Yet, she hits me with this stuff yesterday.  It's fucking bullshit.

Before going to work I went on my Things Eye See website and took the two pictures of TheDesire down.  Yeah, I'm sure you might say it's sour grapes.  And perhaps it partially is that.  However, I just need to get this girl out of my life right now.  I don't wish her misery, I just need to walk away from all this drama.  I don't need it.  I don't need her.  I wanted her, so very much.  But, whatever.  It didn't happen, wasn't meant to be, oh well.  All those cliche things.  It's time to move on.

Work was a seemingly endless parade of dopey patrons today.  Most of them using the computer.  One guy sat at the computer trying to register for EDD for over an hour.  He stared at the same screen for about twenty minutes.  I went on my break and when I came back he was still on that screen.  He didn't have a needed case number to login.  I didn't help him find it.  Another guy wanted to burn some pictures from three discs to one disc.  That's not otherworldly, but trying to do it just before closing was going to be impossible.  He'll be back tomorrow, he said.  Don't come at 8:30pm.  That's just not enough time.

On my way home I first stopped off at the market to buy some Coke and some whiskey.  The mountains looked so very pretty tonight.  All I could think about was a line from The Wire in which they are discussing The Great Gatsby in a prison book club.  One of the guys says, "Daisy wasn't nothin' past any other bitch anywhere, you know?  He did all that for her, and in the end, it ain't amount to shit."  Yeah, Gatsby focused all his energy into winning Daisy over, despite her not being worth it.  He made something of himself (granted, through illegal means) after coming from nothing.  Ultimately Daisy wasn't worth all his efforts.  He died still having some hope that things would be different.  Gatsby is a cautionary tale.  Daisy represents that wish drives us, the goal.  But as I heard in a book about Gatsby, it's not the green light that's important, it's Gatsby's reaching for it.  I didn't go as far as Gatsby did to win over TheDesire.  Nothing would have won her over though.  I hoped something would convince her to change her mind, but as the last lines in the book remind us, Gatsby, "Had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it.  He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night."

Wrap-up, The first month of the new year has not been a great month.  To get to the point I will give this month a C grade.  Mainly because of all the work I had to put in this month for the San Marino library's open house.  It caused me nothing but stress.  The time line project was fucking bullshit, and I didn't want to do it.  I think it showed.  The good things about this month was the food I had, as well as going to Disneyland and the Huntington.  January wasn't a terrible month, it just wasn't a good month.  Oh, I nearly forgot my phantom tooth pain that presented itself late in the month.  THAT didn't help make this month a mediocre month at best.