I can't believe how fast this month went, and how much I got done during the month.  Two huge events happened this month, but that's for you to now read about.  Enjoy the update.

Thu Oct 1, It doesn't even feel like a new month has started.  I think this mainly because I'm just working and working straight through until October 11th.  The route today wasn't anything special.  It was actually quite light.  The main highlight of the route was talking to Snow about hours.  I wrote her an email Tuesday night, but this is the first we've been able to talk face to face.  We had a ten minute conversation that didn't just cover my hours situation, but the messiness of her office.  It's the most we've talked in a while.  The crux of the conversation is that I can't work the Grandview/Casa hours after Oct 23rd, which is the last day I'm scheduled.  I don't want to give those hours up, but I need to.  Not just because of Herr, but also because I do need a day off.  Going weeks without a day off has really worn on me.  I find myself drinking every night, just to relax.  Just to escape.  Not good.  It's also wearing on my body.  Most days I wake up exhausted, and not ready for the day.  I can't go much longer like this without something giving out.

Snow was understanding.  Maybe too understanding.  She did say she would keep me on for coverage when someone is ill or takes a day off.  I'm good with that.  I bought a pair of hiking pants way back in August in hopes of hiking on my Fridays off.  This was before I took the Snow hours on Fridays.  I've yet to actually take a single hike, and I've yet to wear those pants once.  I plan on doing so in November.  It bites that Herr forced me to give up these hours, but at the same time I needed to do so for my own good.  It's not going to be a huge hit on the wallet.  But certainly Herr needs to pay for the way she has treated my buddy and me.  Snow was super nice about the whole thing.

To backtrack a little to this morning.  I went up to the administration office and as I picked up some things that needed to be delivered to city hall today I looked into the Director's office and saw the picture above... a bunch of office chairs that had tags on them.  Clearly this is a line up of chairs, the purpose of which is to decide which ones are going to be bought for the offices after the renovation.  I like that THIS, the decision on which chairs to buy, is happening over a year before the library will be done.  But things like the schedule are left until the LAST fucking minute.  Also, the budget has been cut, but they still have enough money to pay for these office chairs that probably cost something like $350.  Easy.  It's another example of the total lack of focus on Maleficent's part, and her mismanagement of this entire endeavor.  She is the worst.

Fri Oct 2, I don't have much to report today.  I worked both jobs today.  In the morning I did San Marino, and then worked Snow's branch.  I won't be working there the next two weeks, and then after that I'll work just one more time, Oct 23rd.  After that I get my Fridays back.  I dearly want a day off.  I'm not even going to tell Herr about it.  Let her find out on her own.  She can eat it, for all I care.

Work today was whatever.  I'll just be glad when this fundraiser is over and done with.  It's been a rough month leading up to this.  It's only a week and a day away, and I'm ready for it to just be in my rear view as I drive up to San Simeon.

TheGirl went on a weekend cruise to Ensenada.  I had totally forgotten that she was going.  It's likely she went with TheHusband.  I don't think she went with TheChisel.  Ah yes, TheChisel.  My replacement.  I can't blame him for his relationship with TheGirl going south.  He could have done everything right, she's just not that kind.  This might be why she's alone now.  There was a time, when I felt that I could stay with TheGirl for the rest of my life.  Boy, was I wrong about that.  She tells me she's lonely now.  Her choices led up to this.  Then again, her choices led up to us being together as well.  I have to say, I do admire that she goes after what she likes.  I do not have that kind of inertia.  Hmm, how did I get on this topic?  Oh yeah, TheGirl going on a cruise.  I haven't told her I'm going up to San Simeon, or that I'm going up to Carmel during Thanksgiving.  There's time for that.

Lastly tonight, I have been wanting to buy something with the little extra money I have from working so many extra hours.  Not that it's really extra, since I could just put it towards old bills with it and still not cover all of them.  I went ahead and ordered a Gameboy Color online.  I bought a couple of games as well.  Can't wait to play the old games again.

Sat Oct 3, Since the big fundraiser is a week from today I was asked to come into San Marino to work on a few things this morning.  It was really a waste of time.  I hardly got anything done.  Not that I didn't get anything done.  If it was up to me I would have slept in.  Then it was job two, which was pretty standard.  No Herr meant everyone was less stressed.  I wish she didn't work Saturdays.  I don't actually have to interact with her much these days, except on Tuesday nights and Saturdays.

After work I hung out with Dane.  I bought him dinner at Carl's.  It's become such a rare thing to see him since I'm working these horrible hours.  Last week he openly asked if we were ever going to go back to Carl's.  Which made me wonder if he just wants to hang with me for a free meal.  Still, he's a good guy, and I like talking to him.  So, we went to Carl's for dinner.  As we were leaving I remembered that my aunt wanted me to buy some roach baits for my Godmother's place, which is supposedly overrun by roaches.  I nearly bought some a few days ago, but the store I went to didn't have any.  Today Dane and I went to the Home Depot to get some baits.  I bought him a file he wanted for a long time to fix up his cart.  It's the least I could do.  He has literally nothing, and he's my friend.

Sun Oct 4, I had intentions of waking up early and getting some work done for the fundraiser this later on in the week.  But I was fucking exhausted this morning, and my fucking alarm was not making me get up.  I hit the snooze button so many times on my alarm that it rendered the alarm useless.  It was so late that I decided not to go into work early after all.  I figured that going in super early was now dead.  I would try to arrive an hour early, tops.  Which what I did.

It was busy at work today.  Almost a little too busy.  Sundays are quite busy these days.  I'll have to check if any local libraries are open on Sundays.  It might turn out one of them did and people are coming to San Marino to study.

Shay invited me to join her and her friend at Disneyland today.  Cool by me.  Today Disneyland announced that they were raising the prices of the premium annual passes.  If I decide to continue this Disneyland endeavor I will likely have to shell out about $150 more.  For now, I'll enjoy the park as much as I can.  Certainly finding friends to go with is important.  Today it was Shay and her friend.  As soon as I arrived I needed food.  We went to DCA and got some pizza and salad.  It hit the spot.

Today happened to be "Gay day" at Disneyland.  Not that it matters what day it is, since I'm going to use my pass as much as possible this coming year.  Disneyland is always fun, but certainly more fun when I've had a few in me.  I drank some before going into the park, and then I had a cocktail inside DCA.  It was damn good, and I was feeling no pain.  We went on a few rides, Matterhorn, the railroad, and Star Tours before heading out.

I've been thinking about Tuesday night's concert with TheDesire, and what I'm going to do that night and after.  I have zero chance with her.  I like her so very much, but all this is a waste of time.  I'm focusing my energy on a girl that I don't have a chance with.  I should, but I don't.  I should know better, but I don't.  I should be asking a girl out that wants me as much as I want her.  Knowing me I'll be writing this very same thing a year from now, because I'm a fool.

Mon Oct 5, The only reason I'm driving today is because I was guilted into it since no one is driving tomorrow.  Fucking shit!  The route itself was kinda easy, but not.  It was easy on the way out, but on the way back I found the van was packed to the gills with book bins.

The morning with Pasadena fucking sucked.  Some idiot always parks his car in the loading dock.  I could have maybe moved the van into the other spot, but having my buddy's accident in my head made me think twice about it.  I ended up having to haul all those books three times as far as I usually do.  It was such a fucking pain.  I fucking hate these idiots that always park in the loading dock.

I somehow survived the day.  But that's not enough work these days.  After that I still had to go to San Marino to attend a meeting for the Foundation I'm working for.  It was nice to just chill, but at the same time I was ready to bolt.  Because of the meeting I didn't have time to go to TheGirl's.  Like I normally do on a Monday evening.  I thought I would have been able to make it, but it was impossible.  Me attending the meeting was completely useless.  These people of the committee don't need to met me to appreciate the work I put in.

I went home exhausted.

Tue Oct 6, The time of the big fundraiser is coming up fast.  There is so much work to do.  And yet, after an initial sprint, the rest of my day at work was chill.  There are things that need to be done, but I have finished nearly all of them.  By the time I left I had barely done anything the last hour of my shift.  Which is fine by me, I need a little bit of cruising here and there.  I'm so very tired.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make it this week.

I went to Central to meet up with TheDesire.  She and I were texting about where to go and eat.  She joked that we could go to In-and-Out.  I took her at her word and we went to In-and-Out for dinner.  I should have driven to the other In-and-Out in Glendale, one by where the 2 and the 134 meet.  But no, stupid me agreed and we went to the In-and-Out that's by work.  This was dumb because all the big mouths saw me there picking TheDesire up.  Her old flame even saw us walking to the car together.  Big mouth coworker saw me waiting and instantly knew I was waiting for her.  Whatever, let them talk.  They don't have lives, they wish they lived.  I may not be living the most incredible life ever, but I'm certainly trying to do my best with limited resources.

We ate and then went to the concert.  I changed my shirt, grabbed my tiny camera that takes pictures continually, and went inside with her.  The entire night I wanted to simply hold her hand.  Kissing her would have been grand after such a concert, but I fear it will end our friendship.  And if friendship is all I have with her then that's what I have.  I would rather spend the rest of my days with her, but that's beyond my abilities right now.

The concert itself was transcendent, and absolutely amazing.  I was in tears of joy most of the night.  I could not helped be moved by the amazing music.  To think Beethoven was so hard of hearing.  It made me think how he must have heard the music in his mind.

After the concert I took TheDesire back to her car by work.  As luck would have it it was just after 10pm, which meant there was a chance my dummy coworkers would see me.  Thankfully they left before I showed up with TheDesire.  We said our good-byes and she drove off.  I adore TheDesire.  I always have.  I could love her in a heartbeat if she said she would give me a chance to date her.  But I want it all.

Wed Oct 7, Two of my Gameboy games arrived today!  Soon, whenever I have a free moment I can play a little old school games.

Last night was wonderful.  Today is a new day.  I wish that there was a way of changing the fate that seems to be the inevitable fall of one me because of this wonderful girl.  TheDesire is as damaged as any one else I know.  Perhaps more so.  But it's not keeping me from wanting to be with her.  Perhaps that should above anything else.

Work was good today.  Still so many things to do before the big event Saturday.  There was a moment when I talked to one of the other library assistants.  She recently quit.  She not only quit, she got married last month.  Married and is quitting and also moving out of town to raise goats.  I talked to her today.  I started our conversation by saying, "So you're living the dream."  This seems to be the theme for this week, perhaps for the entire month.  Everything seems to be screaming this at me.  Follow your dream.  What is my dream though?  Certainly TheDesire is part of that dream.  But beyond her what is my dream?  Photography.  What of it?  Do I want to do it for a living?  No.  I don't want to take the specialness away from that.  It's my escape.  Having it as a job would taint it.  Selling my work is another thing.  I wouldn't mind selling my work.  But who knows my work?  No one.  Who is buying my work?  No one.  If I'm to follow this dream to its end then I have to do it.  If not, it will always be the what might have been in my life.

Dinner with TheGirl was really nice tonight.  I'm trying to remember something she said about me tonight.  It was positive, but I had two Manhattans in me and I find it hard to remember her quote.  I just know that tonight was nice between the two of us.  It's probably why we still do this Wednesday night dinner thing.  The food was good too.  Really good.  So where the two drinks.  Ha!

I came home tonight not wanting to deal with anything.  I'm tired.  My buddy, with his perfect timing, calls JUST as I'm carrying twenty things in my hands while going into the house.  ARGH!  I'm so tired of everything right now.  I'm still feeling good, so I want to top that feeling off with a little more booze.  Good idea.

I'm so tired of my jobs.  I'm so tired of talking about the idiots that work there.  I'm so tired of getting nowhere with TheDesire.  I'm just absolutely tired.  I don't want to deal with anything tonight.  As I went to get myself a soda just now I thought about how tired I am with my jobs.  I fucking hate both of them.  So much bullshit.  I'm always there to pick up the pieces.  I'm always the one that cares.  But what I'm doing is wasting my time with these jobs.  There are both dead ends.  I won't get anywhere.  In ten years time I have moved up in both organizations, but I'm nowhere.  I'm without mooring.  The theme this week is following your dreams.  The songs I heard this morning, the conversation with TheDesire last night.  This feeling that I'm wasting my time at my jobs.  It's all saying it's time for a change.  But I'm afraid.  I like having a full belly.  I like being able to pay my bills.  The future doesn't offer me anything like that.  But then again, perhaps it does.

Thu Oct 8, The route today was heavy going out, not so much going in.  Pasadena sent a lot of bins to Central, which was rough.  At least I didn't have to deal with idiots blocking the dock area today.

One of the best things about the route is seeing TreasuryGirl.  She's not just pretty, she's stunning.  She's otherworldly.  She is beautiful.  I specifically bought a little "spy" camera a few months ago in order to get a picture of her.  I'm working on asking her to pose for me, but I don't think I'll have much luck with that.  Hence the spy camera.  Here is my first attempt at getting a good picture of her with my "spy" camera.

I know, not very good.  But you have to remember that while I have a camera the office TreasuryGirl works in has about a half dozen cameras watching me as well. I finished my route and went to dinner around the library.  Bad move.  I wanted a burger from a place that also served booze, because stupid me forgot his floats at home.  So I went to some dump of a restaurant that supposedly serves steaks.  I ordered a burger with bacon, medium.  The only way to cook a burger.  What I got was more like well done.  I wanted to walk out at the point, but I was hungry.  Also, I don't like people that complain about every little thing.  In addition to that I was hungry, and I didn't have time to dick around looking for another place to eat.  Suffice to say I won't be back any time soon.  I went back to work relatively sober.  I say that because at least the booze had a kick.

I got my Gameboy color today.  Idle moments beware, I am going to kill these moments with my Gameboy.

Fri Oct 9, Today was a LONG day.  When I mean long I mean long.  I had plans to hang out with my coworkers from Glendale tonight at 7pm.  Ah, I didn't get off work until nearly 11pm.  I called my buddy on the way home.  He was already home when I called him.  Not that I minded.  I was hoping he would have a good time without me there.  But, of course the Universe made sure that he had zero time with the girl he likes.  Fucking bullshit!  As I write this it's actually already Sunday morning.  1:25am as I look at the clock right now.  I've had a nightcap.  Hulu is on the TV, though I just paused it.  Today went like this: a lot of little detail work.  My coworkers, who are not used to working with pseudo supervisor, were kinda lost.  There was a point where one of my coworkers needed information about what her assignment was.  It took her about an hour to get that information.  I just rolled with the punches, because that's just how I roll.  Ha!  I told my buddy a little about how I view this journal.  Some day, some random person will be reading this.  I hope they get some sort of insight on what kind of person I was.  What my dreams were.  One of the greatest things humanity has been able to do is to leave something of themselves after they have died.  I want you all to know that right now as I wrote that I imagined not existing, and it was half terrifying half awesome.  I joke that the last sleep I take will be the most restful, but I don't really know that to be true.

Anyway, work was long today.  I work with a lot of women.  Two in particular are quite nice in that I want to fuck them.  Tina has those big tits, and LaFlor has that cute behind and that face.  Both were so near, but I got to spend some time with LaFlor in a closet today.  If I had as much booze as I have in me right now when we were in that closet then I would have kissed her.  Then again, that goes for TheDesire as well.  Ah.. TheDesire.  She is wonderful.  I wish I had the courage to pursue her without hesitation.  The theme this week seems to be "follow your dream."  She is my dream.  I want her to have my children.  I want her to be there when I am close to death.  I want her to love me as much as I love her.  Alas, wishes aren't granted in this Universe.  Because, who is up there to grant said wishes?  No one.

In my quiet moments I was able to take a few minutes to play my Gameboy today.  Those moments, along with checking out LaFlor's behind, and Tina's boobs, constituted the best part of my day.  I best get some sleep now.

Sat Oct 10, Finally.. the big fundraising gale is here.  Everything this past year has led up to this day.  I can't say it was perfect, because there were a lot of things I noticed didn't come off as well as in year's past.  But, it was fun.  A thought before I continue with the details.  I was not really available for my pseudo supervisor for this event as my predecessor was available.  That's more the fault of having to juggle two jobs, not of my willingness.  However, I didn't sweat it.  Mainly because I learned a long time ago never to care too much about a job.

As soon as I could get a drink in my belly I did.  I had some weak sauce drink within ten minutes of the doors officially opening for the gala.  I didn't have anything in my stomach, so a slight buzz hit me early on.  The rest of the night I simply floated and found things that needed my attention.  It was pretty chill.

I had a good time tonight, but of course one little thing tainted the evening.  No one put a bid on my photography.  It's there loss.  Thank you nearsighted people of San Marino.

At the end of the night my coworkers and I posed in front of the printed bus.  The bus cutout was a big hit.  Perhaps be biggest hit of the night.  We went kinda sparse this year.  I think five locations around the states was too much.  Three solid locations would have been better.  But I'm not the one making these decisions.  I'm just the guy who does the grunt work.

My coworker, LaFlor, is not the most attractive girl I know.  That honor belongs to TheDesire.  By far the most attractive woman I know.  Not only physically, but intellectually.  However, LaFlor has a quality to her.  Mainly her Latina figure.  It speaks to me in a most base way.  It would be nice to get to know her better.  Of course the rumor is that she's having an relationship with the other monitor, Pe.  Yes, a woman.  My working theory on those two is that Pe has a crush on LaFlor, or that she feels protective of her as a mentor.  Pe has mentioned being attracted to men, and dating them.  Perhaps to throw us all off.  Not that I care.  If LaFlor partakes and but also plays for both teams that means I have a chance.  That's all I ever ask for is a chance.  Be it with LaFlor or TheDesire or anyone.

Sun Oct 11, I have no idea how I woke up early this morning, but somehow I did. In my original plan i thought to wake up super early and be in San Simeon by noon. I'm glad I didn't feel much like waking up so early. Correction, I was awake that early, but I had nearly no inclination to spring out of bed that early. However, I wasn't going to waste good hard earned money on deciding not to go on this trip because I wanted to sleep-in this morning.

Somehow I rose out of bed to find myself ready to eat and get out of town. My near 9am start would seem like a bad idea of I was going up to Big Sur, but I wasn't going up that far today. I was at my hotel by 3:40pm.

I stopped at SLO to buy myself a sandwich for lunch today. My buddy told me about a place called High Street Deli. I found the place and went in. I later texted him that the first thing I noticed is that everyone was white. Not that I care, since I'm used to that in my life. what I'm not used to is everyone noticing that and turning around. Oh well. I took my sandwich, which I had no intention of eating there, and got back on the road. I had planned on eating it in Morro Bay, but stupid me missed the exit and ended up in the middle of town, not the tranquil little spot next to the golf course. I quickly doubled back to that spot.

Once there it was perfect. I found a picnic table and enjoyed my sandwich.

That done I continued on to my next stop, Cambria. My usual parking spot, Bridge st., was full of cars. I ended up parking near the end of the street. I then walked around a bit. Every year in October they have a Scarecrow festival. It's fun to check them out. I did for a little while, but then wanted to get to the hotel to check in and rest a bit. But, I was hungry again. Unusual since I had eaten two hours before. However, I only ate half the sandwich. I have this idea that I need to cut down on portions.

On my way back to the car I stopped by Lynn's cafe and ordered meatloaf and mashed potatoes. It was delicious. The food from last night's event was just OK. Nothing stood out as really great.

Now feed I went to the hotel to check in. The room is much like the one I had last time I was here. After getting settled in and resting a bit I drove down to San Simeon beach, which was lamentably packed with people. Which is the last thing I wanted to deal with today. I didn't even get out of the car. I simply turned around and drove a couple of miles south to a vista point. There were two cars parked there, but no one in sight. THIS is why I came up here. To enjoy a quite moment. I wasn't even looking to contemplate anything. I just needed a moment when all I was thinking of was getting the shot. It's like a form of meditation for me.

Meditation or not, I could not longer here too long. My grand plan that I hatched as I drove up here was to experience the sunset and photograph it at Moonstone beach. Back into the car I went. There were quite a few couples sitting on the benches on the Moonstone boardwalk. There's a line in Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" that is apropos to how I felt about these people staring at me because I was unaccompanied. "They trespassed upon my thoughts.  They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretense, because I felt so sure they could not possibly know the things I knew.  Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their business in the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend."

Still, they stayed up on the boardwalk, and I went down to the beach. I waited for about half an hour, all the time the juice on my phone draining from the pictures I was taking. I thankfully had enough power to get the shot I wanted. After that I watched the sun gently pass under the horizon. That I watched. There are times when getting the shot is important. This was about experiencing that moment.

I bought some food and took it back to the hotel and of course ate it. I chased it with some whiskey, which took a while to take, but what with all that food in my belly.  Feeling a little sauced I decided to go out and take some pictures of the stars. My attempts were meh. However, it was nice to feel a cool breeze, instead of the damn heat that I've had to deal with for what feels like an eternity.  I returned to my room and drank some more whiskey. This time it took. It took so well I passed out. I woke up at 2am. Of course I went back to bed afterward.

Mon Oct 12, I don't get to sleep-in much these days.  Normally on a trip I want to get up early.  But not this morning.  I set my alarm for 9am. thinking I would get up and have plenty of time to get ready before check-out time, 11am.  Wrong!  I woke up close to 7am.  I didn't go back to sleep, but rather went about chilling for the next couple of hours in bed.  I eventually became hungry and I finished off the second half of the sandwich I bought yesterday.  I then took a shower and was ready to hit the road.  I drove up to San Simeon beach, but once again there were too many people up there for my taste.  I didn't want anything of people on this trip.  So I parked my car and figured out where I would go next.  I ended up driving down the highway to a near empty vista point.  There were two cars there, but no one in sight.  Just how I wanted it.  I was able to stand there, and just enjoy myself.  Just be.

Having had my sandwich I wasn't hungry now.  I first thought of going into Cambria and having some breakfast at a couple of places I had checked out online.  I drove past Cambria.  I thought of getting some tacos or fish & chips in Morro Bay, but by the time I reached Morro Bay I still wasn't hungry.  I decided to get good and hungry and eat at Pea Soup Andersen's in Buellton, right next to Solvang.  Too many memories of TheGirl in Solvang.

I'm not going to sit here and rave about the food at Andersen's, because it's kinda good but not great.  They're famous for their pea soup.  And while I like it, I can't say that it's very flavorful.  I wish I knew if it was me or the soup.  I ordered a Monte Cristo and some soup.  I only ate half the sandwich.  Which was fine since I wanted to have the other half for dinner tonight.  I ate, sat for a few minutes reading the Los Angeles Times online, then hit the road.

I lied by omission to TheGirl this whole weekend.  I didn't tell her I was going up to San Simeon, nor did I tell her I was up there, nor did I tell her that I didn't go to work Sunday.  I felt it was none of her business.  Then why lie, right?  I don't know exactly, only to say that I needed to not tell her.  I needed to lie.  I needed her not to know I took a trip up north.

I was in dire need of a haircut.  After I told TheGirl that I didn't go into work, she told me that it would be best if we just saw each other Wednesday.  In other words, I didn't have to visit her tonight.  That gave me some time to get a much needed haircut.  I needed a haircut last week.  Perhaps even two weeks ago.  I was so busy that I couldn't make it.  Or I was so tired that I rather just go home.

Overall the trip was great, if not super short.  I didn't get a lot done, but that wasn't what this trip was about.  It was about getting away from everything.  In that way the trip was a complete success.  I was also able to get some nice pictures.  I had thought to perhaps get a lot of stuff "done" on this trip, but all I was able to do was enjoy myself.  I think that's better than anything.

Wed Oct 14, I do have a new assignment to work on, but it's not going to be needed for at least a month.  That means today was a cruising day at work.  I did a few things, but nothing big.  I actually ended up working on my own project while I was on desk.  Which is fine.  I need a little break these days after going all out for the last month and a half.  I tried flirting with LaFlor today.  She seems OK with my sorry attempts.  However, I need more of a sign.

I have these theory I want to work a plan around.  I think that women naturally like me.  They seem to think I'm a good man.  They say that I'm cute, adorable, and handsome.  Their words.  I wouldn't call myself any of those things.  Though I think I'm relatively attractive.  I don't think I'm some sort of monster.  Hope I'm not.  Hence I think I have a fighting chance with most women that find me attractive.  However, somewhere along the line I mess things up.  I get in my own way.  Like I think TheDesire likes me.  I have been in some relationships, so I'm not a totally dateless wonder.  However, something I do puts women off.  It might be something simple, or something that I can't fix.  However, I need to figure it out and quell that aspect of my personality.  I think I can naturally be flirty, which is something I've dialed down a lot.  I want to work on this, because I think if I break this I can make some strides with TheDesire.  Perhaps.  But if not with her, than with every other woman I know.

Dinner with TheGirl was pretty nice.  We talked mostly about her pending installation of internet in her place.  She's tired of piggybacking on a neighbor's open wifi.  That went away, and now she's willing to pay for real internet.  This is a good thing.

Thu Oct 15, The route today was standard.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  There weren't even that many books to take or to return.  In short, it was what it was.  Nothing.  Which is fine by me.  I need more of these easy days.  TreasuryGirl looked nice, for sure.  She wore a nice tight top, though she really didn't show off much skin.  Still, she's a pretty girl, and it's a pleasure to look at her.

I've been thankfully avoiding Herr most days.  Today I only interacted with her a little bit, and I'm so glad.  This job is nearly tolerable when it doesn't involve Herr.  Dealing with her takes up so much energy.  Everyone at work knows it, and tries to stay away from her.  How she ever rose to her station is a mystery.  Her only skill is berating her staff.  Then again, asshole managers tend to always excel in that particular skill.

I had to work late tonight.  It fucking sucks.  Usually I have a drink and it makes me feel good.  I had a drink tonight, but it never took.  It was just in my stomach, and it never really gave me a good buzz.  Which is the entire point of drinking on my dinner break here.  Then I went back to work, and it was a boring two hours.  So typical.  I hardly even got to see TheDesire today.  My next best chance will be Saturday.  I only quickly said hi to her as I was going to dinner.  Fucking long ass hours suck.

And this brings me to the subject of me always going up to TheDesire's desk and checking out what she's reading.  I know she is looking for a way to be happy.  She mentioned using Xanex while on her trip.  Which, of course, tells one-tenth of the story.  The fact that she feels the need to use it is one thing.  But then the willingness to tell me is another.  She knows I'm a happy guy.  She even mentioned how I always seem happy recently.  She wonders.  What she should wonder is if being with me will help some of that happiness from rubbing off.  I surly don't figure that simply being with me will bring her happiness.  But of course I figure that she will naturally be happier with me.  The feeling of love is powerful, and can make one feel better than normal.  If only.  If only she gave me a chance to at least try to make her happy.  Wait, didn't I just say another person can't make you happy?  Hmm, still, I'd like to try.

Fri Oct 16, Disneyland!  Today started out early, earlier than most times TheGirl and I head off to Disneyland.  But since that time we went on a early Sunday morning, and we had breakfast at the park, TheGirl now likes the idea of going early.  Also, today the park was going to close at 7pm, so we wanted to maximize our time there.  Also, TheGirl wanted to have breakfast at Carnation Cafe, since we were also taking her daughter along with us.  She wanted her daughter to enjoy a nice Carnation Cafe breakfast, like the last time we went.  Only problem was, she didn't tell me she wanted to have breakfast there.  So I didn't make a reservation.  Oh well, when we got to the park we checked with the cafe and sure enough there wasn't a table available for a long time.  We went to our back-up spot, which was the River Belle.  They don't require reservations.  We bought some yummy breakfast, and went on our merry way.  We got our fast passes for Space Mountain, and then headed over to the Haunted Mansion for our first stop.

The line for the Haunted Mansion was about forty minutes long, but it didn't feel like it was that long when we were in it.  Mainly because the ride was moving at a good clip.  Now I've already seen the Mansion because I came down to Disneyland with Shay and her buddy.  However, I can't let on.  Not that it matters that I've been here numerous times since the last time TheGirl and I came.  I guess I don't want her to think I'm here all the time, and with who.  Not that that matters either.  Still, it's just something I rather keep under my hat these days.  I don't ask her the details of the days she's hanging out with TheHusband, or TheChisel, or whoever.

After Space Mountain we had some time until 5:30, which is what time I made our last minute reservation at Carnation Cafe.  This was a way of making-up for not making a reservation for breakfast this morning.  With the couple of hours we had until dinner we decided to go get some booze at DCA.  It was yummy.  I had my usual Manhattan, along with a flight of whiskey, and a lemon drop.  I was feeling good.  Dang good by the time we decided to go watch the stage show of Aladdin.  I figured that we had plenty of time to watch the show and still make it to our reservation.  WRONG!  The show was longer than I thought, and that meant that were late for dinner.

Despite being late for our reservation to Carnation Cafe, thankfully they kept it for us.  I wonder what's the time limit for those reservations.  If I made one at say 1pm, but didn't show up until say 2pm would I still have a table available to me?  Or would they invoke some rule?  I kinda wanna know.  The chicken fried chicken sandwich was really good.  Huge though.  I only ate half of it.

We then headed home, delighted from a great day at the park.

Sun Oct 18, Work today was all about putting out fires.  First I had to help the police get some video off a recorder's hard drive.  They needed the video for evidence.  There was an incident at the library yesterday, and they needed the video to confirm some things.  That took up the better part of two hours to get the IT guy to get the video off the machine.  But he did.  Now we wait.  Then there was an event outside, and they wanted tables.  Ah, not sure how that became my responsibility, but it fell on my shoulders.  Then the same dopey group wants chairs.  ARGH!  Suffice to say I didn't spend much time on the reference desk today.  But maybe that's a good thing.  I had all these plans to get some things done on the computer today, but all of those went out the window.  Oh well.

After work my buddy and I went to get some pastrami.  We haven't hung out recently, mainly because of our crazy schedule.  I was working so much on the fundraiser at SM that I didn't have the time to do much.  But now that's it's in the rearview mirror I could hang out.  And we did.  The pastrami at The Hat is good, but lately it's not as good as I remember it in the past.  Perhaps because of my visit to Brent's, which is awesome pastrami.  Whatever the reason my buddy picked up on the taste difference I already knew about for a while.

We then headed back to my place and went about getting nice and sloshed.  My aunt nearly ruined my plans when she called me to tell me that my Godmother wasn't feeling well.  I would be surprised if she was feeling well.  She's over 90 years old.  Still, it does concern me that she's out there alone.  It made me think that if I get to that age I need to be completely independent somehow.  I don't want to be a burden to others.  I don't want them to have to miss out on work, or just their lives because I'm in need.  My Godmother doesn't have the means for that now.  She has not been well for a while.  And her memory is completely shot since I've known her.  It's tough getting to an age that you become dependent of others.  I'm lucky that right now I'm healthy, but somehow I need to make a lot of money for a pending retirement that will be here before I know it.  Yeah, those were my drunken thoughts that nearly sobered me up.

Mon Oct 19, Today was a whatever day.  I woke up super tired because of last night's drinking.  I woke up at 5am still in my chair.  I went to bed, but within an hour my alarm was going off.  I was dead tired.  I somehow woke up and got into the shower.  Not easy, by any means.  I made it to work.

Work was pretty standard.  Nothing much to report there, except that I have my projects for the next three months all lined up.  After pseudo supervisor left I was left to my own devices.  I tried to get some work done, but I was so tired that I passed out in my work chair.

When I woke up I was still super tired, and I passed out again.  I awoke in time to get ready to get off work.  When I went outside I saw that it was raining.  A beautiful soft rain.  Lights shine after a nice rain.  I went and got some Taco Bell for dinner.  Not much food, since I've been eating like a fiend lately.  I then visited TheGirl.  Like I said, standard stuff.

Tue Oct 20, Not much to report from the route today.  It was pretty standard.  Lotta books for two branches, not many books for everyone else.  I haven't seen much of TheDesire since last week.  Then again we don't have many chances other than Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.  And she wasn't here this past Saturday.  She makes my day.  Emma, a coworker that is always asking to hang out with the new "library gang" asked TheDesire at my behest if she wanted to join us this coming Friday for Korean BBQ.  Of course I pushed for it, but TheDesire said she was doing something with her family.  Hmm.  I wonder if she's dating anyone.  ARGH!  That would SO break my heart right now.

I chatted up TreasuryGirl today.  I really want to get something going with her.  Need to find a way to break the barrier and get her phone number and then hopefully hang out with her.  Kinda like how I managed that with TheDesire.  Sure, TheDesire and I are just friends, but being with her is better than not being with her.  Once again I was thinking as I drove around today how this is all a lost cause.  Stopping off and seeing Snow confirmed that I should just stop trying with her.  She's just not interested.  How do I know?  Because, if she was even a little bit interested she would talk to me.  She would WANT to talk to me despite having to do work.  But she doesn't do that.  She says hi and that's it.  Just like how she did today.  ARGH!  Why do I even bother with this?

I finished up the route and had dinner in my car.  I also had a nice long nap, since Herr scheduled me from 8pm to 10pm tonight, instead of the usual 7pm to 10pm.  I rather have that schedule.  My buddy wants to advocate that we start the route earlier.  I haven't voiced it to him, but I rather keep it as it is now.  I get to start later in the day, and I get a nice little nap at the end of the day.  The long hours suck, but that can't be helped.  I rather have my Fridays and Saturdays off, but of course nothing can be perfect.  For now, this is my schedule.

At night when I'm upstairs I will go check out TheDesire's desk just before closing time.  I looked around the desk, and didn't find anything new.  I did see her wrap was on the desk.  I couldn't resist picking it up and smelling it.  Yup, it had her scent.  Her natural scent, not some perfume scent.  I like her natural scent.  If anything, I would like it more since it's natural and conveys her natural pheromones to my nose.  Damn, I have it bad for this girl.

Wed Oct 21, TheDesire finally texted me back, after an absence of a few days and a few texts.  As you can see she's not feeling happy.  It saddens me to know that she's not in a good place.  But, it also worries me, since there's a history of this sort of thing running through her family, aka her brother.  I can't imagine that his suicide came from a place of happiness.  That sort of thing devastates a family, and I thin that TheDesire still carries some sort of sadness with her every day.  Perhaps she wishes she could have done something to save him.  THAT sort of thinking leads down a dark path.  I sure wish I could help her.

When I got to TheGirl's place tonight she informed me that she was not in a goon mood tonight.  Mainly because she hates her job, hates the commute, and her dog hates her.  That last one seems completely off.  But she said it, she must believe it on some level.  She also said something to the effect that TheChisel is still lumbering around her life.  Fucking piece of shit.  I mean come on!  I don't know why she keeps him around.  There definitely has to be a very good reason for her to keep him around.  She bad mouths him all the time to me now.  She didn't used to, but now she regularly calls him a loser.  Loser or not, she lets him live there a good deal of the time.  I wonder if he puts anything on the rent.  Maybe this is why she has some money to pay for internet.  She's getting it Friday.  By Monday I'll be able to help her set-up her surveillance camera so she can check-up on her dog during the day.

Bad mood or not, we had a pleasant dinner.  I don't particularly think the place we went to tonight has great food.  It has OK food.  The thing I ordered tonight is the one item I do like.  Kinda.  I also ordered some onion rings, which were OK, and a shake, which was also just OK.  TheGirl is usually more chatty, so I decided that she wasn't talking too much that I would carry the conversation tonight.  So I told her about the stupid shit going on at Central.  I don't think I cheered her up too much, or at all.  The night ended with her going to take her dog on a walk while I rested on her couch, digesting.  I went home and that was that.

Thu Oct 22, The route today was kinda easy.  Not too many books, no drama, and a nice weather.  Not much else to report on that really.  And then there was Ru.

Ru is one of my more attractive coworkers.  I mean she's nice.  First time I saw her years ago I was stopped in my tracks.  She has such a crazy little body on her.  In my mind she gives TheDesire a run for my money in terms of looks.  She, sadly, recently got married.  Today was the first time I saw her since her marriage, in about a month's time.  She looked stunning.  Marriage really does agree with her.  I mean wow!

I had a good portion of my whiskey at dinner tonight.  Along with my dinner, which consisted of tuna and crackers.  As I write this I'm upstairs in the library, still nursing a bit of a buzz.  It's the only way I can make it through these fucking long days here at the library.  One of my coworkers asked me about my hours.  I told him I work today from 10am to 10pm.  He said I should be getting overtime.  Yeah, good luck with that in this city.  Still, he said he wants to see my time cards on Saturday.  I'm good with that.  Maybe he can get me a few more bucks.  Anything would be nice.  This late night shit after the route isn't fair, and it shows you just how much Herr takes advantage of my buddy and myself.

TheDesire texted me today to say that she misses her brother, and that's why she's been down lately.  Based on nothing, I suspect that her brother is buried in Armenia, and not here in the states.  I figure that she went to visit his grave while she was on her trip, and that is why she has gone down this bad alley.  You can read our conversation above.  It's self-explanatory.  She's sad, likely moving into a depression.  Nothing to be done in that case.  But now I have to think of what I should do.  Should I go down this path with her in hope that something will change, and not only will she be happy, but she will also want to be with me?  Or should I protect myself and my heart and start to divorce myself from the thought of her being my partner?  I want to be there for her, but I know that it's a lost cause.  She's not going to be with me.  So, should I invest that much emotion into someone that has already rejected me?  I have to just deal with this as a friend would.  Not a romantic interest.  Those are two different things.

Fri Oct 23, In past Fridays I've been going to San Marino to do some extra work.  Today, I thought about going there to do some work on my assignments.  But then I didn't want to just go to work.  Also, I had some errands that needed my attention.  I used the bulk of the morning going to a pair of stores and getting my stuff.

Work at Casa was super slow.  I think I "browbeat" Snow into having me come into to work today, because when I arrived there was one too many persons here... me.  They had nothing for me to do.  So, I ended up sitting here writing this entry and going online.  Not much else for me to do.  The pretty au pair, or whatever, showed up.  As I write this she's about thirty feet away from me.  She's nice, and if I had the gall I'd go over there and find out her status and ask her out and make passionate love to her.  She has great thighs.

After work I met up with Emma and the other driver, and Emma's friend for dinner at a place I used to frequent with TheGirl.  The food was good, but sadly the bartender was totally clueless.  He made me some weak sauce Manhattans.  Still, the company was good, and so was the food.  After finishing up food we went to the Eagle Rock mall to get some money.  The other driver needed money because he was supposedly going to get some tacos.  But, we ended up just going and coming back to our cars.  He needed to head off to Hollywood to get his mother's car fixed.  Emma and I weren't ready to call it a night just yet.

Emma suggested that we go by my neighborhood for drinks, and that she could just get a ride by with one of those pseudo taxi services.  I was down for that, since it would mean my car was nice and safe at home.  So we went to her place to drop off the car, then went to my place to drop off my car.  We ended up going to a place called the Tipsy Cow.  It's a joint I've been wanting to try out, because it looks like it has some nice burgers.  But, they also have a bar that doesn't close until 2am.  Woo!  Emma liked that.  Once we arrived we quickly ordered some drinks, which were not weak at all.  Wow, they packed a punch.  We talked and talked, even engaging the couple next to us.  The girl was pretty across the table, and her name was Erica (pictured in the photo above).  Later Emma and I figured that they weren't a "couple," but rather just friends.  Emma said I should have tired to hook up with the girl, but she was long gone.  She was my type.  She was pretty, and she had dark hair.  Yeah, that's my look.  We got good and tanked.  During our conversation we were trying to figure out how to hook up Shay with my buddy Vagabundo.  It's my project, but I like that Emma picked up on what I was saying and is going to actively hook them up as well.  Emma doesn't know Vagabundo and I are pals from way back.  Emma also wants to help me win over TheDesire.  I talked about how I like TheDesire while we were at the mall, and of course Emma the matchmaker now wants to help me win her over.  It's not going to be an easy task, but it's going to be worth it.  So worth it, if Emma can somehow convince her that dating me would be a good idea.  I need to get Emma something special for her efforts.  So now Emma and I are pals.  She's nice, and maybe a little ditzy, but also thoughtful.  She was good at analyzing the people we were watching.  Which shows she does have a brain, which I like.  Good times were had.

Of course the bar closed, and we had to get home.  My aunt comes out of the darkness to say something.  Her voice is so something that it makes it hard to understand her.  Especially when I'm feeling really drunk.  But yeah, she almost ruined a great night for me.  But with the prospect of Emma helping me win over TheDesire, no amount of nagging could ruin this night.

Sat Oct 24, After my late night waking up early today was the last thing I wanted.  But my internal clock woke me up at around 7am.  I was dead tired still, and I wasn't going to start work until 1pm.  I went back to bed, woke up about an hour later, and went back to sleep yet again.  Finally around 10am I had to pee and get out of bed.  I do love sleeping in.

Work was whatever.  The only good thing, I felt, was that I was going to see TheDesire.  But I barely got to see her today.  She was on the reference desk only when I wasn't on the circulation desk.  Fucking bullshit.  I could tell she was down though.  Not good.  She looked so pretty, but so down in the mouth.  I hardly got to say hi to her.  Just from a distance.

TheDesire left work, Emma confirmed that she seems down.  I already know that she's feeling down, but it's good to have someone else confirm that.  The rest of the time Emma and I were trying to figure out how to hook up my buddy and Shay.  It's not going to be an easy task.  But we seem up to it.

After work I hung out with Dane for a bit.  I bought him dinner, gave him the 99 cent store gift card I bought him last week and then headed home tired.  I wish I could help TheDesire.  I wish I could take her out and cheer her up.  I wish I could hug her.  It's so not fair that such a wonderful person feels so down.  Fucking life.

Sun Oct 25, I didn't expect today to be so hectic, or that I would carry the library today.  But that's what happened.  Just before arriving at work this afternoon my coworker, T, texts me to say that she's sick (as seen above).  She's going to stay, but really she should have gone home.  But with my other Sunday coworker having an event in the community room, there was no one to be my partner on the desk today.  I was flying solo.  It's not like I don't do that on Wednesdays anyway.  But Sundays are unique in that the parade of questions and requests never seems to stop.  So sure enough I had to put out many fires today.  I had server problems with the computer talking to the printers.  I had a text that I needed to monitor.  I had an A/C unit that wasn't working.  I had sign ups, and of course a bunch of reference questions.  Somehow I managed to survive the entire day.  It sure wasn't easy, but I take things as they come these days.

Just before the end of the shift T came down, feeling better for her long nap in the conference room, and helped me close up.  I had plans on taking my aunt out for dinner tonight for her birthday.  My buddy texted me to ask if I wanted to get tacos, but I told him I couldn't.  Little did I know that my aunt had misunderstood what I said this morning.  When I arrived home I found that she was Facetiming her sister in Mexico.  Which was great.  After we talked and they wished her a happy birthday I asked her if she was ready to go to dinner.  That's when she told me that had had misunderstood and had already had dinner.  D'oh!  Oh well.  Looks like we'll eat next week.

One of the patrons at the library today was quite pretty.  Suffice to say I was able to photograph her as I left tonight.  She did this little stretch move just as I told her that the patio was closing.  Truly amazing.  I only wish I could be with TheDesire.  I intend to love TheDesire for the rest of our lives.  Knowing how the Universe works the reader of this will know the outcome of my story.  I can only wish that you can report that I won over TheDesire.  I can only wish that you will see the picture of our children.  Knowing how this Universe works there will be moments when I write about how I know that I am not TheDesire's "love of her life."  However, I'm not looking for that.  I'm looking to be the one she is with.  Somehow at this moment the Universe doesn't understand how much more important and significant that is in the grand scheme of things.

Mon Oct 26, TEXT

It's exactly thirty days until my Carmel/Big Sur trip.  Thirty days!  I can't believe it's SO close now.  When I started the countdown it was two hundred or so days until the trip.  Now, it's a month.  It's going to go extremely fast.  I was thinking about adding another day to the trip, but what I'm spending I can't afford another day.  The price of the room as of this moment is over $500 for three nights.  Adding another night would move it close to $700.  I really can't afford that.  Still, I'm going to make the most of my time.  There's so much to get ready before the trip as well.

Dinner tonight consisted of me going to get a sandwich close to home, because TheGirl went out to dinner with a friend from Vegas.  She probably slept with him as well, but that's her business.  The food was good tonight.  I was texting Emma about how to cheer up TheDesire.  I told her I went to the store and didn't find anything I liked.  But the reality was that I was going by my memory from Friday when I went to the store she suggested.  When I got home I bought her a stuffed penguin that Emma thought was super cute.  Yes!  I sure hope Emma does help me with this thing.  TheDesire is worth it.  I'll see plenty of TheGirl this week anyway.  I already have plans to go to the new Clifton's on Friday, and Sunday morning we're going to Disneyland for breakfast.  So yeah, no worries there.  My friend Roni asked me if I would ever go back with TheGirl.  No, I told her.  I told her we're MUCH better as friends, and only friends.  I don't have to worry who she sleeps with since I'm not sleeping with her, and I'm just her friend.  I like it that way.

Tue Oct 27, The penguin I bought for TheDesire is on its way.  Woo!  I think that this will be my last best chance at winning over TheDesire.  With Emma's help I can make this work.  If I had a chance this is the best one I'll get.  I sure hope all this allows me to have a legitimate chance with TheDesire.  Like I said, having Emma help is the difference this time around.  She is going to make the difference this time around.  Emma and of course the penguin.

I was up on the roof to reset the chiller, which apparently doesn't turn on in the morning.  I was thinking how I am quite valuable here at San Marino.  I mean, not the point that the place doesn't run without me.  Certainly it does.  But I am a huge part of this place's goodness.  I was thinking how they should just make me full time here already.  They won't, of course, but they really should.  I also thought about how I need to buy a chair to sit up here on the roof more often.  Not just for that, but for when I go up to Big Sur.  That trip is SO close now.

Working late sucks.  I know the party line is that the numbers are going up, but I can't imagine they are.  I think that I should do my own unofficial count from now on and see if the numbers are trending upward.  All I know is that the computers are being used upstairs on a regular basis, but there aren't a lot of people.  Perhaps twenty people, tops.  Oh well, as long as I get paid.  What a fucking long day.

Wed Oct 28, The toy stuffed penguin I bought for TheDesire arrived just as I was arriving at the library.  I saw the mailman outside and when I went inside the package was waiting for me.  The little penguin is cute.  Not as cute as Chan, mind you.  But certainly cute.  I envision Chan "playing" with that penguin some day.  I mean look at that face?  I hate how some stuffed animals look stupid, or look dumb.  This one is cute.  This one remind me of Chan a little bit.  Chan has a bigger smile though.  Oh, and Chan is MY monkey.  This will soon belong to TheDesire.

Work was work.  I went about trying to finish up some things that I had assigned to me by pseudo supervisor.  I really can't work with her in the room.  See, I work in spurts.  There are times when I need to just not see what I'm doing and then come back to it with a fresh view.  But I can't do that when the supervisor is there.  Then again, she's has rarely said anything to me about getting back to work.  She knows that if she leaves me alone I will get my work done.  Thank the maker for that.

And thank the maker for wine.  Well, thank T, who was so grateful for me taking over the library while she threw up upstairs.  She was grateful because I didn't tell the boss she was super sick.  She over did it with the wine, so she says, the previous night.  But since she was still sick on Monday I told her that I seriously doubted that she was just suffering from too much booze.  I thought that something she ate didn't sit well.  Either way, she was thankful that I not only took over on Sunday, but that I didn't go blabbing to the boss.  I thought she had told her, but I guess she's too embarrassed.  T was so thankful that she bought me lunch today, AND gave me a bottle of wine.  Which Chan promptly commandeered.  As you can see in the picture above.

My shift on the desk today was much like it was on Sunday... hectic.  I mean crazy hectic.  I didn't get to sit on the reference desk until nearly an hour into my shift.  First thing I had to deal with was passports.  Then after taking a passport in the last minute I went ahead and had to fill out the transmittals.  None of my coworkers tried to help me out.  This is fucking typical of that place right now.  I openly asked one of my coworkers, "What the hell do you do when I'm not here?"  I can't honestly understand how my coworkers do their job.  After the passports I had to help out with the community room set-up.  Some fucking idiot made an appointment for 3:30, right as some other group was supposed to end.  This idiot that booked this deal has ZERO concept as to things like, set-up, people lingering, and common sense.  I want to choke this dummy, for making my life that much more difficult today.  Thanks, for nothing.

After all the hectic stuff subsided I was finally able to sit on the desk.  It was so late that no more than ten minutes later my coworker was telling me to go on my break.  She gives me my break at 4pm.  That means I was dealing with bullshit for TWO hours.  Oh, and just before I sat down I had an encounter with a patron that said one of the clerks told her a book she was looking for was not in the library.  Ah, I found it, and of course gave it to the patron.  I told the patron, "This is why I make the big bucks."  I really should be making the big bucks.  But whatever.

Finally the time came for me to leave work and get some food with TheGirl.  She wanted to go to a local Mexican restaurant.  The food was OK, but the margaritas were just what I needed today.  Nay, this week.  I was telling how her how I went drinking with Emma the other night.  TheGirl said that perhaps I should date Emma, and I told her that I was bound to be a bachelor for life.  She said, "Really?"  Yes, really.

After dinner we went back to her place so that I could set-up her wi-fi signal name, and change the password.  I played with TheGirl's puppy and tired her out.  This really knocked her out at the end of the night.

Thu Oct 29, First on the agenda for today was to deliver little stuffed penguin to TheDesire's desk without anyone seeing me.  I was in the building just before 10am and went about my business to get ready for the route.  But, I also was going to see if TheDesire was anywhere I could see.  That way I wouldn't just bump into her as I went up to her desk for no reason.  Thankfully she wasn't there.  On the online scheduling she was supposed to be in a meeting with the boss.  However, when I walked pass the meeting room there was no one there.  Unless the meeting was held somewhere else.  I went to the back area where here desk is located and found that only one person was back there.  She didn't even notice me going back there.  It's not like I wouldn't go back there.  When I saw the coast was clear I made my move.  I took the penguin out of my bag and placed it on her desk.  In one motion I made sure it was standing up and then moved away from the desk quickly.  I then walked up a few feet away from her desk farther into the back storage area.  I then turned around and stopped for moment and then walked out and went to the administration office.  I texted Emma, and she was on pins and needles to find out if she liked it.  That answer would have to wait for later. 

Before any answers I had to do the route.  Oh yeah, that thing.  The route promised to be chill today, since there weren't that many books going to Pasadena, or coming back for that matter.  Or going out to the branches.  And as promised, the route was pretty chill.  TreasuryGirl bent over and I got a nice eyeful of her boobs.  My stomach was doing backflips most of the morning, but once I ate lunch that went away.  It was windy today.  The van was pushed around more than once, but it wasn't that big of a deal.

When I came back from the route and dropped off the van's keys TheDesire was asking one of our coworkers what he thought, "Happiness was."  I'm sure they wondered why she was asking.  All I knew is that this was the first I've seen her engage people at work in a while.  She's been putting her headphones on while she sits in the back reference desk and ignoring everyone.  Not tonight.  The penguin did its job!  She sure did seem happier than last week.  Emma was super happy when I texted her the news.  I was happy too.  All I want is for TheDesire to find some happiness.  I think that happiness would with me.  However, I also know that someone else can't make you happy.  They can help a bit, but it's what's going on inside you that will make you happy.  And that will make for a happy relationship. 

After dinner I went up to TheDesire's desk since I was working at the upstairs desk tonight and behold... the penguin now has a name.  Panos.  And she put a happy face on the little note.  Woo hoo!  She liked it.  And I think her asking about happiness was triggered by the penguin showing up on her desk this morning.  Fuck yeah!  Now imagine how much more happier she would be if she was holding my hand?  Ha!

Fri Oct 30, Last week, while working at the quietest branch, I was asked to pose for a picture that was going to go onto the library's Instagram account.  I said, why not, and the rest is history.  Today the library posted that picture of me with a 1975 "annual" with David Cassidy's face on it.  Except for the hair I looked just like that in 1975.  Ha!

I didn't tell my aunt that I wasn't working today, because I knew I would get too many questions.  Also, I planned on hanging out with TheGirl tonight, and I didn't want to have her ask me where I was going.  I drove down to Ferndell in Griffith park and parked my car there and took a nice long nap.  I think I ended up sleeping for about two hours total.  I put out my time lapse camera in the window of my car, and I didn't get anything really good, but I think if I mount it inside the car looking forward I will get some interesting pictures.  Maybe even a person or two looking inside the car as I sleep.  That would be interesting.

After waking up from my nap I drove up to the observatory.  The parking lot looked like it was packed, but I was able to get a spot close to the observatory.  If I hadn't, I wasn't going to walk up the hill.  I'm way too tired for that shit.  I checked out the exhibits, but mainly I was there to use the restroom.  After that it was all gravy.  I checked out some of the exhibits, and the gift shop.  I thought that if I found something really interesting I could use it as a follow up to the penguin I gave TheDesire.  No dice though.  Still, the views were great.  Too bad there was smog covering most of the basin.  After a good rain you can see clear out to San Pedro and beyond.  I've been up at the observatory on a day when I could see Catalina island.  Not today though.

It was not even 2pm when I left the observatory.  Four hours to kill.  I went to the other side of Griffith park to ride the railroad.  Of course, I was stared at mainly because I'm a guy with salt and pepper hair getting on a train ride all by himself.  How do I explain that I was going on because I remember the times when I used to ride this train with my buddy Joe?  How do I tell them, "Hey, I'm riding this fucking thing because I enjoy it, OK?"  Fuck everybody.  I hate that people judge.  I just wanted to ride it because I had nothing better to do, and I had four hours to kill before I did have something to do.  Still, it was fun.  I did think of my old buddy Joe.  He died when I first started these two library jobs.  I do miss him.

After the train ride I was hungry.  I thought about my options.  I was craving a hot dog, but I guess this town doesn't have any good hot dog stands.  Well, Pink's, but I didn't want to go all the way out there.  Besides, they aren't all that great.  They're OK.  I decided to try that burger joint in North Hollywood that I went a few months ago when my car needed service.  It was a burger joint that was supposedly good.  But, sadly it was just OK.  Too many people in this city have no idea what good food taste like.  I know I'm only talking about a burger, which is the lowest common thing we could eat in this city.  But it is OUR meal.  My buddy Vagabundo sent me an article about how Los Angeles became a burger town.  The article pointed out how the long commutes, and the fact that half of us are driving to work, made the burger the signature meal of this town.  A burger is easy to manage with one hand while driving.  Amen to that.  Anyway, the burger at the burger joint was just OK.  I ordered the avocado bacon burger with fries.  The crazy thing is that nothing really tasted that good, but also not bad.  I won't be back though.

Before going to TheGirl's place I went to the bank and then sat in my car for nearly an hour before going to her street.  I arrived a little early, but then she texted me just as I was getting ready to take a short nap.  She arrived shortly after I did.  After a quick pit stop we were on our way to downtown.

Clifton's is a place that I've been going to nearly all my life.  Nearly forty years.  Four years ago the place closed for what was supposed to be a two year renovation, but twice that time has passed.  TheGirl and I have been waiting to go back to Clifton's for those four years.  FINALLY we were able to go since Clifton's opened.  The place does look nice, but certainly it looks different from when I was there last.  I won't list all the differences, but at least the place has been preserved in some way.  Some day a person that really loves this city will bring it back to what it was.  Tonight was all about soaking up the new Clifton's.  There are a at least three bars inside the place.  Sadly the booze I had was weak.  The views are nice, but next time I think I'll bring my flask to assure that I'll get a buzz.

The little chapel is still there, but it had the sound of a screaming woman when I pushed the button inside the nature scene.  I hope that's just for Halloween.  After a drink we went to get some food.

The food was not totally appealing to me, but some of that was because of the burger I ate just a few hours earlier.  I wasn't that hungry.  I filled my plate with just stuffing and mac & cheese, no entree.  TheGirl gave me a little of her fried chicken, which was good but a little too peppery.  Overall I had heard that the food here was not that great.  I didn't even get a chance to really try the food because of the haphazard way the cafeteria was laid out.

The previous mac & cheese was awesome because, as I said to TheGirl, every serving had a bit nice warmed cheese on the top.  She, of course not having known that good mac & cheese as intimate as I did, thought that tonight's mac & cheese was "good."  It wasn't horrible.  However, it wasn't the "handmade" style that it used to be.  Clifton's may not have been some gourmet place before, but at least the food was prepared by actual people.  Not some robot employee that just found out about Clifton's two weeks ago.

TheGirl was telling me about TheChisel tonight.  How he stays at her place.  How he sleeps in his car the balance of the week.  I'm sure he sleeps down the street from her place at least a couple of nights a week.  Only because he's an idiot.  Whatever.  Let her be with dummies like TheHusband and TheChisel.  I intend to win over TheDesire and be rid of her memory one day.  She said that since she installed the surveillance camera she saw that he just watches TV all day long, instead of looking for a job.  He tells her that he's on the computer all day looking for a job.  Now TheGirl knows that he ISN'T looking for a job.  I take no comfort in knowing that he is going to be thrown out of her life.  I only take comfort that TheGirl knows that she blew it when she left me for him.

Last thing I'll say about Clifton's tonight is that this city has a tendency of forgetting its past.  It will do its best to not just forget its past, but to replace it with a new "official" past.  But those who have lived here long enough, and aren't complete idiots, know what this city is all about.  Despite wanting to forget its past this city's past always comes back to haunt the present time.  The ghosts of the past can't help but remind the living that there was something before they existed.  And with that I say in my drunken state that I can't wait for the moment when I kiss TheDesire and make my destiny complete.  I have shared this city with TheDesire.  It's a hard city.  It's a place where all of human history seems to have come together.  Perhaps I think this because, like some poor soul five-thousand years ago thought that his little place on this Earth was the CENTER of the Universe, in my mind THIS place is the center of the Universe.  But really it isn't.  What it is, right here and now, is the center of the Earth.  There's a song that says that this place is where everyone wants to come.  Why?  They don't know it, but it's because this place gives you more than once chance to fuck up.  No one is perfect.  No one doesn't make a mistake.  No one doesn't regret the choices they made in their lives.  THAT is why we are here in Los Angeles.

If there is a higher mind somewhere THAT mind made this fucked up place for all those who didn't, and can't, fit somewhere else in the world.  As I write that I am struck with the idea that EVERY Great city in the world is meant to show us what is in our hearts.

By saying that I love TheDesire I KNOW that the Universe will make me suffer and pay a great deal before I am granted a chance with her.  After THAT moment I will have a choice.  My art or my love for TheDesire.  It's no contest.  I want TheDesire's love more than any epiphany.  More than any other love.  TheGirl was supposed to be the ONE I loved that way.  But she choose some fool that she now calls a loser.  Know who lost?  Everyone but me.  Why can I say that?  Because death has taught me to be patient.  Let everyone take their shot.  Let everyone make their first move (without thinking).  I am of the kind that is here forever.  With that I say good night.

Sat Oct 31, Work was work.  Nothing really to report there.  TheDesire took the day off, which fucking sucked.  I wonder if she took a trip to the cemetery.  The other day she mentioned something about the cemetery and it made me think about how that was a bit of information that you know because you frequent said cemetery.  I think she must be visiting her brother's grave.  I was going on the theory that he was buried back in Armenia, but I think that's not true.  This is all based on nothing but speculation, and trying to read into what she says.

So yeah, work was nothing to write about.  Last night, in a drunken stupor, I bought a voucher for $10 off a month's membership to a dating site.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I guess I was lonely.  A few minutes ago I decided against signing up for this thing.  Mainly because the fucking website wants my credit card information.  No way.  Trying to then stop a recurring membership is bad for me.  I'll forget and end up paying full price for the second month after failing on my discounted month.  No thanks.  I'm going to be a bachelor and that's that.  This last push with TheDesire has to be it.  This has to be the last time I stick my neck out.  After this I HAVE to commit to just giving up.  There's no use fighting it.

Wrap-up, How could I EVER give a month that featured a trip to San Simeon and Cambria, plus a Beethoven concert with TheDesire ANYTHING other than an A?  About the only thing that could top that will be the moment I actually kiss TheDesire.  Above that marrying TheDesire is tops.  Still, this month went super fast, but it featured some of the best moments of this long year.  I'm lucky to be alive at this moment in time.  I have been thinking about my mortality lately, and how I may have fewer days ahead of me than behind me.  Which makes these moments more important.