Well, a full quarter of the year has passed.  This, of course, is the story of April, which was not the cruelest month after all.

Wed April 1, Wednesdays have become cookie cutter days.  Each Wednesday it's the same thing.  I come into work, do some things, and then go onto the reference desk.  I answer a bunch of questions, and then go to TheGirl's for dinner.  I hug Chan before I into work, hoping some of his good vibes rub off on me.  Wednesdays are boring.  They are unlike any other day of the week.  Mondays and Tuesdays are twins.  I go to San Marino, work, then go to Glendale, and work.  Thursday and Fridays I'm on the route.  Wednesdays are just San Marino.  It's computer class in the morning, Reference desk in the afternoon.  I check out LaFlor's butt, and answer a bunch of silly simple computer questions.  I try to do the least possible on Wednesdays.  Today being the middle of spring break for the kids at the schools next door facilitated it being a lazy day for me.  I did almost nothing on he desk.

And then I went over to TheGirl's for dinner.  We went to a place across the street from her place.  I had a patty melt, which they over cooked.  It was OK.  Nothing great.  Even the garlic fries were just OK.  Nothing great.  TheGirl is going to Vegas this weekend.  She's going with her daughter and her dog.  She didn't mention her friend to me tonight.  Yeah well, this weekend I'll be having my own adventure.

Thu April 2, I arrived at work and of course there's MicroManager telling me about extra special deliveries for the day.  I have to take crowd barriers back to the city lot, and then also get some water bottles filled.  Doing that added an hour to my route.  I'm not so worried about the hour, I'm worried that I'll be so beat that I'll pass out before I get to job 2 tonight.  Thankfully I was able to take it relatively easy.  TreasuryGirl is a beautiful girl, I mean a marvel.  My buddy suggest I try to get her to pose for me.  Ah, yeah!  I'll start laying a foundation tomorrow by bringing up something I've had in mind for a while.  The rest of the route was pretty standard.

This is the second time I've seen Snow since the email exchange.  We did a "dance" of sorts.  There were a lot of people around us, so I suspect that she doesn't want to show her cards to these dopes and let them know that we're hanging out.  To go from work mates to a social setting is something that takes a delicate balance.  We still have to work with these people if the social thing doesn't work out.  She asked if I liked going early to the park, or late.  Truthfully I like going early, I told her.  But I've pretty much gone all the time.  Early, middle of the day, evenings, it's all good.  It's a different vibe at different hours, for sure.  I sent Snow an email when I was on the route giving her my cell phone and my email.  She emailed me shortly with her contact information.  So it begins.  Hopefully the start a beautiful relationship.

The route was quite random today.  Here are a few things that made it random.  I arrived at Brand and my path was blocked by that little cart pictured in the photo above.  In the picture it's parked, but when I encountered it, it was parked in the driveway.  I waved at the person who was blowing the leaves and dirt off the driveway and she yells, "Can you move it?"  I yell back, "Sure," and proceed to try to move it.  I thought it was an electric cart, but it turns out it has a motor, and a crazy set of controls.  I can't start it at first, but then I figure that I have to put it in a different gear.  Sure enough I get it to start, and then it dies.  I start it again, and finally get it to move.  I get back in my van and make my deliveries.  At my second to last stop they give me this huge box of books.  It's only half filled, but the box is so flimsy that it makes it hard to grip.  I'm to take it to my next stop, which is something that annoys me about these two last stops.  They always send books between them, like we're some personal delivery service.  This thing is so unruly that it makes it hard to carry and move.  I get to my next stop and fucking just throw it in the direction of the dolly.  Well, the dolly is on grass, and it bounces from the landing and hits me right on the forehead.  No, I don't see stars, I just feel stupid.  Fucking day!  I get to my last stop and Suzka is there looking pretty.  A while back I remember seeing that her hair was thin in certain area, like bald in spots.  I also noticed that she changed her hair style, and that her hair didn't look didn't look to have to bald spots any more.  There's a reason, she's wearing a wig.  I saw the membrane used to hold the hairs.  She's so pretty, that it's a shame she has to deal with this hair thing.  So would love to get into her pants.  Suzka invites me to eat some ice cream, and since I'm slightly ahead of schedule, I decide why not.  I go into the back room and there's a guy putting on a costume.  Nothing crazy there.  It's the moments before he goes out and fascinated me.  Moments before the mask it placed on his head, the fella looked like he was walking to his execution.  And then moments later, when he's in front of the kids, his arms are showing excitement.  Poor sucker.

Thankfully job 2 was chill.  I literally did nothing.

Fri April 3, The route today, despite having to make a run to drop off some books at Vroman's in Pasadena, was pretty chill.  I didn't have a lot of bins, as you can see from the picture above.  If it wasn't for the idiot drivers on the road, then I would say it was a good route.  The picture above shows a bunch of dummies in the intersection blocking our way.  But that wasn't the worst of it.  The worst was a guy that ran a stop sign when it was my turn to go.  Idiot.  There were many others, but I won't go into those.  Suffice to say, every day the roads get worse.  My fellow drivers have lost their minds.  Everyone, not just the drivers, have this mentality to just do what they want.  I watched a bunch of idiots jay walk across from my 2nd stop today.  Yes, it's easier, but in the long run it made me think of what I could do to counter this bullshit.  My solution was to do everything by the book.  No California rolls, no half-assed anything.  Do it right, or don't do it at all.

I stopped off at my lunch stop, where I see Snow every Thursday and Friday.  There's a dance between us.  She doesn't know me, I don't know her, very well.  The dance is nice, but eventually I have to stop dancing.  I told my buddy that I want to move quickly on this.  Want to go to Disneyland with Snow and her friends, but also soon after lay out my intentions with her.  Not later, but sooner.  TheDesire taught me that much.  As it stands I might be going to Snow, and Shay and another girl.  That's too many.  Three is good.  But, as things work out, I suspect that I'll have to be with the three women.  I'll do my best to focus on Snow.  I have to say something about how I've been focusing my eye's on Snow's figure.  She's tall, but she's also quite pretty.  Not just in the face, but as a nice body.  I like butts, and she has a nice one.  I've caught her catching me checking out her butt.  As my buddy says, it shows your intentions.  Yes.  I would like to be with her.  Time will tell if I succeed.

And then there's TheDesire.  I was asked to work after the route.  I was given a break from 3 to 4pm.  Just before I went down to change into my jeans MicroManager hands me a box of fliers for TheDesire's author event and says, "Take that down to TheDesire."  I half hoped that TheDesire wasn't at her desk, but she was.  A couple of weeks ago TheDesire had said that the Friday after she came back from her Costa Rican vacation that we would have lunch.  Well, that was supposed to be today.  It didn't happen, but I was OK with that.  She invited me to this author event, and that's enough.  We talked about things, mostly religion.  I find TheDesire to still be a bit of unfinished business that will never really be finished.  Not until I kiss her.  I've tried to just be her firmed.  As my buddy pointed out, that idea lasted for a second.  He's right.  I still desire her, even as I pursue Snow, I still think I have a tiny chance with TheDesire.  I'm such an idiot.

Sat April 4, I woke up late, well, later than usual today.  My family invited themselves over today, but then at the last minute only my uncle showed up.  Their self-invitation pretty much ruined my day off.  Not that I had anything planned, but I certainly didn't want to entertain them today.  Thankfully they're a bunch of flakes.  Still, there are a lot of other things I could have done today instead of watching Netflix while I waited around like a sucker.

I was watching a documentary about the Iron Sheik today.  At the end of the documentary the film shows how this great athlete went gone down a hole of despair, because of the murder of his oldest daughter.  It's a hole of drugs, but I do understand why someone would choose to go down that path.  Freedom from pain.  I think of TheDesire telling me yesterday that she doesn't like it when people tell her "things happen for a reason."  "When someone says that I know they haven't experienced loss," she continued and I know she's talking about her brother.  Because I like TheDesire, I worry about her emotional state.  When we talk that meh attitude comes out, and I know it's a cover-up.  It's a way to mask what she's feeling inside, and my heart goes out to her.

Sun April 5, Disneyland with Snow!!  I honestly never thought I would be at Disneyland with Snow.  I thought my coward's move of emailing her an invite would surly mean that I would die alone, that Snow would balk and never talk to me again.  But, it worked out because she said yes.  However, I wasn't alone.  As I might have mentioned in a previous entry, I would be going with Snow and the girl my buddy likes, Shay.  We decided to meet up early, 8am, and go about our day until it became too crowed.  It never really became too crowded, despite it being a holiday.  Snow and Shay know their way around the park, that's for sure.  That's the positive side, aside from getting to hang out with Snow socially.  The negative was that my stupid stomach was full of gas.  I wanted to fart SO badly within a couple of hours of arriving at the park.  I would go to the bathroom with the intentions of blasting a big fart and getting the pressure down.  But of course whenever I would go to the bathroom the damn pressure wouldn't blast out, it would remain in my stupid stomach.  It wasn't until I was out of the bathroom that my damn fart wanted to blast out.  Still, I didn't let the pressure in my stomach keep me from enjoying Snow and Shay's company.  There was a funny moment when the three of us tried to pile into a tea cup on the Mad Tea Party ride.  Snow is tall, and she could barely get her legs inside the ride cup.

We had fast passes for Space Mountain, and of course went to nearly the front of the line.  But then, just as we were climbing the first climb to start the coaster part of the ride, the thing stopped, and the lights came on.  I knew instantly that the ride had broken down.  Shay yelled that this always happens to her.  I have been lucky that in all my years I've been going that I've only been "stuck" on a ride once.  It was Star Tours, and they quickly ushered us into another vehicle, where we finished our ride.  Anyhow, they gave us a pass to return later, if the ride was functioning.  The two girls know their way around the fast pass deal, and because of that we didn't have to wait in line for most attractions.  It was also surprising that the park wasn't packed.  We had lunch at Hungry Bear.  I nearly forgot, we went to DCA first and got fast passes for Racers, and then went on the Grizzly River Run, which is a water ride where one gets wet.  We bought some ponchos and rode the thing, but we really didn't get that wet.  It was the first time I've gone on that ride, even though I've wanted to try it.  I could never go with TheGirl because she didn't want to get her hair wet.  We didn't get THAT wet.

Where we did get wet was Splash Mountain.  Boy, did we get soaked.  In the picture above I'm in the back of the pack, with Snow in front of me and Shay in the lead seat.  Shay decided to wear her poncho, but it didn't help her stay dry at all.  All three of us were soaked.  I never get to go on Splash Mountain with TheGirl either, for the same reasons as the other ride... her hair.  The last time I went on Splash Mountain I didn't get this soaked, but this time a huge wave came over all of us.  The best part of Splash Mountain is that Snow was sitting in front of me, and I got to touch her thighs with my legs.  So nice.  We were pretty pooped by the time 8pm came around.  Shay wasn't feeling all that well towards the end of the night.  She was having stomach issues.  We had some soup, and that seemed to calm her stomach.  Too bad mine was still full of gas.  ARGH, it's so frustrating to have to deal with my stomach.  In a social situation my stomach betrays me.

Still, the day was pretty cool.  My stupid stomach aside, I had a great time.  I tried to be on my best behavior, but also tried to be playful with Snow.  When we boarded the tram back to the parking lot I slid down on the bench seat and bumped her.  She has great thighs.  So nice and warm, so feminine.

Mon April 6, I didn't have the energy today to deal with stupid patrons, aka every patron.  I feel that the hours and the days are starting to catch up to me.  I feel so very tired all the time.  I mean ALL the time.  I sleep and when I wake up it feels like I didn't even sleep at all during the night.  How can that be?  It's not like I'm getting a LOT of sleep, but certainly I am getting sleep.  No less than a few weeks ago, or months ago, and I didn't feel this tired back then.  Like I said, I think the accumulated wear and tear has gotten to me now.

I talked to my buddy and of course we talked about the outing with Snow and Shay.  We both know I have to follow up with Snow.  I want to tell her sooner than later of my intentions.  I want her friendship, but I also want something beyond friendship, a full on relationship.  At least the attempt at a relationship, with her.  Time will tell.  I've made the first move towards that.  I think I did good yesterday at Disneyland.  Now it's time to follow up.

Tue April 7, I didn't eat breakfast today, and I shouldn't have eaten lunch.  I'm at home now, will a distended belly, probably full of gas.  I've been burping for hard for the last hour.  I didn't eat dinner.  This, is major bullshit.  I partially blame those damn nachos I had for lunch today.  I didn't feel like having breakfast, but by lunch I was actually feeling hungry.  But, since I didn't take my lunch to work with me I decided to get some food.  I was in the mood for nachos, but the ones I had were bland and I think contributed to my current stomach problems.  Never again, I'll never eat at that place again.  Aside from the stomach issues, which might actually not be because of those nachos.  I will say that the actual nachos were completely flavorless.  How does a place fuck up nachos?  This place did.  Meat was so dry.  How sad.

And then there was this.  Work called me to cover the driver shift, but I was working at my San Marino job.  I told them I couldn't, and they emailed the branches that, "There will not be a delivery today due to no drivers available."  TheDesire saw that and sent me a text to ask if I was OK.  Wow, she cares that much?  I sure hope so.  As for Snow, no email from her today, despite the fact that I emailed her the Disneyland photos.  I don't want to text her unless I have a good reason.

Wed April 8, I usually check my computer class roster way in advance.  But up until this morning I didn't check.  Last time I jumped the gun and printed out a roster about a month in advance.  Well, what happened?  The day before the class they emailed me another roster that made the previous one trash.  So this time I waited until the day of.  I thought there was a mistake, because there were only three people enrolled.  And then only two of them showed up.  So, we spent the time just chatting.  I answered the questions they had, and it was great.  They loved it.  It was like the old style class I used to conduct.  I think I need to return to that style.  Certainly it's easier when there are fewer people in the class.  One of my three students already told me that they won't be here next week, but will be back in two weeks.  Ha!

I had planned on having lunch with my friend Jenn.  The married woman I think is cute, but of course has turned into a friend.  At the last minute she showed up and asked if I wanted to have lunch as originally scheduled.  Sure.  She had already eaten, so I was the only one.  I had my lunch upstairs, but I wasn't going to eat upstairs with her.  We went to Panda Express and I had a little orange chicken.  She is cute, and I do like her a lot.  Course she's in a dead end marriage, and always drops hints that she would like to cheat on her husband, but that she could never ever ever do so.  I don't want to be "that guy" anyway.  I've done the cheating thing, and it only leads to pain.  I appreciate her friendship.  She is trying to get a job at the library.  I told her I would put in a good word for her.  I hope she does get the job.

After lunch I started my shift and it was a madhouse.  We formally had three clerks, but one of them got themselves another job.  That clerk now starts nearly when I'm leaving my shift.  Two clerks on the desk isn't enough in the middle of the day, what with all the passports we've been processing lately.  The numbers are up, but now the clerks are down.  They're going to hire two new clerks, hopefully soon.  But for now I wonder the logic of not scheduling a third person while they look for a replacement.  It makes my job harder, because today I had to help out on the desk when one of the clerks left for the post office.  Meanwhile, I still have reference desk duties to attend to, which I can't if I'm checking out books.  Fucking bullshit.  When things wound down I just sat on the desk and did nothing.  No one even gave me my break, but I didn't feel bad because I didn't give a fuck.  I did my own projects instead of work projects.  They don't pay me enough for this shit.

After work I went over to TheGirl's for our traditional Wednesday night dinner.  Because she now gets off work at 5pm I usually get to her place while she's out walking her dog.  I try my best to get everything ready for dinner while I wait for her to return home.  While I wait I drink up a storm.  I have my flask, given to me by TheGirl, and I start drinking as soon as I get inside her place.  My buzz lately has been a really good one, since I start off with an empty belly.  Nothing significant was talked about tonight.  It was our usual pleasant meal together.  I do sometimes wonder how much longer we're going to be able to do this.  TheGirl obviously is seeking company, a relationship.  She did kinda mention something in passing that makes me think that her new "friend" might not be around.  I think he fucked up.  I've been wrong about this sort of stuff in the past.  WAY wrong.  Still, I read the signs.  But even if TheGirl isn't in a relationship, what about me.  If I somehow win over Snow what then?  Will I want to stop having dinner with TheGirl?  Will I even tell Snow about what I do on my Wednesdays after work?  I told my buddy that my friendship with TheDesire could possibly hurt my thing with Snow.  I still lust after TheDesire.  She is unfinished business, and her friendship is something I cherish.  However, I still think that she cares.  And I hate to be that guy who wants to hedge his bet, but I still have this feeling I might win her over.  I should let go of that thought, because it's a foolish thought.  TheDesire already rejected me, but I still pine for her.  I need to focus all my energy on Snow.  I can remain friends with TheGirl and TheDesire, but I must put them a distant second to Snow, if I'm to make it work with her.  I think she's worth it.

Thu April 9, I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.  The entire day I couldn't get going.  I was in a total funk.  No energy at all.  I've been worse on the route, like a few years ago when I was practically the walking dead while driving and when I got home I passed out for three days.  I did pass out as soon as I got home tonight, but not for three days.  A lot happened today though, so here goes.

The big training thing was today, the one I wasn't invited to.  I get it, I'm not important enough.  I'll show them.  I'll learn that fucking problem so well they'll turn to me despite the fact that I didn't go to the training.  They can just go fuck themselves, for all I care.

Snow had lunch with me, sorta.  She usually comes in on Thursdays and eats something before going to the desk and working.  When she does this she usually takes her plate out of the microwave and takes it into her office to eat.  Today she ate her little bean and cheese burrito with me at the break room table.  I think it's a milestone moment.  I really wanted to ask her to dinner today, but I was feeling so sick.

I talked to the other driver about this whole crazy hours on the route business.  He agreed to go tot he boss and talk to him about not starting to late in the day.  I still don't think this renovation is actually going to happen any time soon, but it's a good idea to still mention it to the boss.

When I got off work I wanted to go to home, but I knew my cousin's brats would be home.  Besides, I had to go to the bank and pay off one of the two mortgages.  I was hungry though, and I was craving breakfast.  So I took myself to Bob's in Toluca Lake and had an omelette with nearly everything, including some hash browns.  It was yummy.

When I arrived home after the route I went straight to bed.  I didn't think I would actually sleep, but sure enough in a matter of minutes I had passed out.  I slept for about an hour.  I didn't get out of bed even after I woke up.  I just wanted to rest as much as I could.  I'm so glad I didn't have to go to my second job tonight, I wouldn't have made it.

Tonight a funny thing happened, I was sent a message to my Yelp account saying that if I changed my review to a more positive one that I would get $100 voucher.  Of course I said no, but it's just funny that my review wasn't all that negative, but it still merited this attempted bribery.  You can read the email exchange above with this person that called herself Annie G.  She deleted her account a few hours later.  I read some other Yelp reviews and some of the ones that had been recently redone were glowing, and five stars.  Also, two of them started with the exact same sentence.  Also, the logic of offering me a voucher instead of straight up money is stupid.  Why would I want $100 voucher from a place I didn't like?  Their food sucked, and I'm glad I got to expose them.

Fri April 10, I felt much better today than I did yesterday, but I wasn't 100%.  Close to 90%, I would say.  The idiots abound though.  Every fool on the road seemed to cross paths with me today.  The best example of this is this idiot pictured above.  I watched this guy crawl into the crosswalk and continue to go until he finally kinda stopped where you see him in the picture.  This idiot then raced down the road for a few moments and turned into the hospital parking lot.  I was not too far behind, despite the fact that I didn't jump the light, nor did I race to the next light.  There's no need.  But of course, I don't own a fancy car that entitles me to drive like a fucking idiot.

This guy wasn't the only one that pissed me off on the road today.  I arrived at the library to find that the front loading area was blocked by a UPS truck and a fucking idiot in a Pilot.  I parked in front of the idiot in the Pilot, hoping to pin him in or something.  It took me about 15 minutes to unload the bins from the van and he was there nearly the entire time.  He took off after I dropped off the last of the bins.  Fucking idiot.  I couldn't let this stand, so I figured that I would twitter his parking job.  But this also inspired me to start another blog, this one dedicated to publicly shaming people online.  Or at attempting to shame these shameless people.  I call the blog Social Shaming.

I didn't get to talk to Snow too much today.  Just when I arrived.  I thought that yesterday she was a little extra nice to me.  Same today.  I really do need to stop being such a coward and formally ask her out.  I was watching a thing today on YouTube and it makes the point that we are here on Earth for such a short amount of time that we best make the most of it.  That should inspire me to be fearless.  In the abstract it does, but when it comes to reality it doesn't help to think that.  I still fear the rejection.  I think I have a chance with Snow, however.  Her having "lunch" with me yesterday was a move in the right direction.  I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself and fucking ask this woman out.

Sat April 11, I did nothing today.  I actually spent a big chunk of my day in bed today.  I was just tired, and I didn't want to do anything.  My aunt kept pestering me, asking me if I wanted to eat.  No.  I'm a grown man and can fix my own meals.  For some reason nothing appeals to me.  All food tastes bland, and I would rather not eat.  I ended up only eating twice today.  And because of this fatigue I didn't go to my friend's birthday party.  ARGH!  I guess I'm just tired of everything.  I mean everything.  I want to pursue Snow, and now more than ever.  But I find it hard to muster the energy.  I want to write this book, but I also find it hard to muster the energy to do that.  I simply don't have the energy to do much.  I just want to rest.  As I sit here in my room writing this I just want to sleep.  I don't even want to have a drink.  Actually, I don't want to sleep just yet.  I want to jerk-off first, then sleep.  I think it's time for that now.

Before I do, I was just getting some texts from TheGirl.  She asked me how my day was.  I told her I pretty much didn't do anything today.  She asked if I was OK.  I'm clearly not OK.  It's possible the long days have finally gotten to me.  But I think it goes deeper than that.  I'm just tired of all the bullshit.  I'm tired of having to deal with idiot drivers every day.  I'm tired of being treated like a step child at work.  I'm tired of work.  I'm tired of all the long hours, the accumulation of the boredom.  I'm also just tired of the mindless repetition.

I'm reading this book for TheDesire, essentially.  It has been a real torture.  Combine terrible writing and a terrible subject and you get this book.  Fucking wish I didn't like TheDesire so much that I invested time reading this book for her.  I hope she's not reading it.  Fucking suicidal character commits suicide.  I think this book will touch a nerve, since her brother committed suicide.  This book is so wrong for her.  I hope she isn't reading it.  I think I'll offer to do the work on this author event so she won't have to deal with it.

Sun April 12, Yesterday I felt pretty down, and today the manifestation of that happened.  I woke up with a runny nose, and a bit of a lump in my throat.  I didn't feel like going to work, but I unless I'm really dying I'm not going to call out sick.  I need the money.

I went to McDonald's for dinner and saw that they had a "new" apple pie.  It wasn't new at all, but rather that they went back to the old fried apple pie from my youth.  The baked pie was OK, but the best was this fried pie.  I will return over and over again.  I have missed the fried apple pie.

Tue April 14, Today I found some gift cookies in my mail box at work because it was National Library Workers Day.  They were whatever.  Eating them made me crave real good cookies.  After my shift ended I went upstairs to eat lunch.  I had made a salad and was so ready to eat it when I decided to shake it, so I could mix the dressing more evenly with the lettuce.  Bad move.  One moment I'm shaking the plastic container, the next I'm cleaning up the break room, because the entire salad flew all over the place.  In frustration I didn't eat my tuna salad and just went to Tommy's for a chili-dog.  It hit the spot.

Once I got to job two it was chill.  TheDesire came up to me at one point and asked me to pose for the library's FB page, with a sign declaring it National Poetry Month.  TheDesire later asked me if I wanted to add a line from my favorite poem.  Instantly I knew which one I wanted to have associated with this post... Dover Beach.  "Ah love, let us be true to one another," etc.  She thought I meant the entire last stanza, and said it was too long.  Our social media guru said it, actually.  Oh well.  I later texted her that perhaps she could add a line from another poem I like.  She said yes, but as I write this the quote wasn't added.  It's cool.

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

Wed April 15, Work was pretty standard today.  I'm supposed to have a project done by next week, but I've been slacking off.  Mainly because I was given the assignment, but I really don't have anything of substance to hold my hat on.  So I'm struggling.  Morning class was OK.  One of the three people that signed up for the class never showed.  The other person told me that they wouldn't be in class this week, but then someone else showed up.  It's a clusterfuck.  But I'm getting paid.  The rest of my shift was uneventful.  Oh, wait, I did find out that they might buy new computers for the computer lab where I teach my class.  They might also buy a projector so I can have the class see what I'm talking about.  Win!

I bolted over to TheGirl's.  Because she leaves work later on my night I usually pick something up.  I ordered from a local Mexican place while I was on desk, and expected to drive in and get my food.  Well, it wasn't ready because they were between shifts, and yadda yadda yadda.  It still worked out, and I got some food for us.  TheGirl made it Mexican night by getting some margarita mix.  The girl filters out things when she's feeling tipsy.  Tonight she mentioned that after going to see 50 Shades with me she went again.  I knew this.  She went out a second time with the guy she slept with over a year ago.  He was some guy that had a dog up in Montrose.  She meet him when she was going up to visit me when I worked at that branch.  To recap, she went out with him once, slept with him, and of course he never called her again.  She cursed him.  But of course here it is two years later and she wanted a date and he just happened to contact her.  Of course she goes to the movie with him and fucks him, and predictively she never hears from him again.  Dope.  This is TheGirl's pattern all in one little paragraph.  Boy, she really fucked up breaking up with me.  I created none of this drama for her.  But see, she likes the drama.  She likes this back and forth.  Otherwise she wouldn't be involved in it.

Thu April 16, My buddy and I have been wanting to talk to the Pasadena delivery driver about the changes in schedule that my boss wants to implement during the renovation.  After I laid out the prospect that we wouldn't be going to Pasadena until 1pm he naturally balked and said how that was no good for him.  He also confirmed that my supervisors have not talked to Pasadena about the possible change in schedule.  That's telling, because it means they mean to spring it on them at the last minute.  At this point it doesn't even matter to me about the scheduling.  I'm done giving a fuck.  Also, I believe that this renovation, despite the talk to the contrary, will not happen this year.  I have to do a little digging, but I'm pretty sure that this shit doesn't have any funding.  This just showcases the incompetence of the administration.  Typical.

On the route it was pretty quiet.  I had a lot of bins for a Thursday, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Suzka looked really nice today.  I don't get to see her all the time, but yeah.  I kinda forget about her, because I'm focused on Snow and TheDesire.  But Suzka is their equal in so many ways.  She's as attractive as Snow and TheDesire, that's for sure.  And I just like her demeanor.  But, she is Armeanie, which means I have no chance with her.  I have only a slightly better chance with Snow, which isn't saying much.

I have to pace myself on days like this, because I have to work both jobs.  In the photo above is a picture of one of my coworkers with three phones.  She's a cute little thing.  Nice body, and so innocent.  Not on my radar in that way.  No way we could have a thing, she's way too young.  In the other picture is Achee, passed out on her desk.  My buddy and I joke about how she's always passed out on her desk.  I'm not entirely sure why she's always so tired.  Obviously something going on at home, but what?  She's constantly late to work, and to work assignments.  It might be a bit of a joke, but at the same time it's serious.  Something is up.

Then there was job two.  I expected to make a dent on my time line assignment, but nope.  A print job came up and I had to print out some things.  Of course what should have been a half hour job turned into a two hour ordeal, because of a slow computer.  The fucking printing computer was so slow that I would hit print and it took 10 minutes to get to the dialogue box.  I restarted the computer FOUR times!  I finally gave up and brought down the laptop from upstairs.  After that I was able to only print out two out of the three items I was meant to print out.  Actually, I was going to print out a fourth item, for TheDesire.  Her poster for her author event was never ordered.  She said that the guy who these things go through had forgotten.  She asked him once, and didn't feel like asking him a second time for fear that she would be thought of as pushy.  I was going to swoop right in and save the day, so to speak.  But that fucking printer took so long that I never got print her poster.  I may go on Saturday and print it.  It's nuts, but I guess I like TheDesire, or something.

Fri April 17, As per usual the route today was chill.  This morning I looked at the food in the fridge and just got sick.  I ate a little something, but decided that I would have water for lunch today.  Yup, not a bit of food.  I've been in this funk lately.  Food isn't as appealing as it usually is.  I think it's a phase.  I often go through these phases where nothing tastes good.  Suffice to say not having lunch meant that I didn't have to linger at the branch I usually take lunch.  The branch that happens to be where Snow works.  She was in a mood yesterday.  I walked in and she had this nervous look.  Well, nervous isn't the word.  She was stressed.  Shay even told me that Snow was "stress eating."  I wanted to ask her out to dinner yesterday, but thought better of it.  Today, I wasn't feeling it.  Yesterday her ass looked so fucking nice.  Today, I only saw her shoulder as she stood inside her office.  I was in and out in five minutes.  I have my doubts about my chances with Snow.  I always have.  It's my nature to not have any ability to gauge and win over women.  To a certain extent.  I can gauge them as much as I can gauge any human.  But when it comes to affairs of the heart I have zero ability.  With no lunch I actually finished the route early, but I wasn't going to go back to home base early.  Instead I took what would have been my lunch break and my regular break and combined it at my last stop.  I chilled.  Once the time neared that I needed to get going I jumped back in the van and finished my route.

Done with the route I drive back to home base and leave the books there.  I come to find out that there's some filming going on in the library.  Some internet thing.  I use this to spend some time with TheDesire on the desk.  I love how she doesn't wash her hair.  It looks so cute on her, but of course I would say that since I'm so attracted to her.  One of her teen minions came by the desk to see what she could do for volunteer hours.  TheDesire and I were chatting it up with the volunteer.  At the end I swear that I heard the volunteer say, "You two are great together."  What she said was actually, "You two are great."  Must say that TheDesire and I do make good talk.  Wish I could have won her over somehow.  I'm sure that we would have made a great couple.

After work I wanted to treat myself to some good food.  I wanted a good burger.  I decided to try the Hamburger Hamlet by my house.  The chain of restaurants have fallen on hard times.  This is the last of the restaurants left.  I ordered a pair of Manhattans and a burger.  They overcooked the burger.  I asked for medium and they gave me well done.  I think I might come again, for the cheap booze.  THAT did hit the spot.

The last couple of days Talia was texting me about hanging out.  To cut a long story short, I thought we had agreed to hang out tonight after I got off work.  I'm not even sure why I even agreed to hang out with her.  Every encounter with her is terrible.  But I need some tits in my face, and no one else that I know is willing to give them up.  But I always forget that the price I pay with Talia is too high.  So I think it's best that she flaked on me at the last minute.  She said that her aunt drove her home, but that she wanted to hang out next Friday.  Oh no, I have "plans" next Friday. 

In my tipsy state I texted Snow about possibly going to get ice cream on Sunday.  I wanted it to be dinner, but I thought ice cream would be more neutral.  If that makes any sense.  She said she was busy.  Of course.  I then sent her a text asking when she might be free for dinner.  As I write this it was over three hours ago that I sent that text.  I know she doesn't look at her phone as often as many people, but she certainly doesn't let three hours go by without looking.  She's formulating an answer.  Well, I have my answer.  No.  I don't need to be a genius to tell she's not interested.  Why did I once again dilute myself into thinking that she might like me?  What's to like?  Obviously nothing.  Nothing at all.

I would explain the following, but it's better if you just read our exchange.  (Names have been changed to project)

TheGirl: Me good. How you?
Me: bit tired.. I treated myself to dinner and 2 Manhattans - passed out shortly after coming home - feeling good
TheGirl: Well, good for you. I've got a visitor for the weekend. Yay! Must stay drunk
Me: drunk? bad visitor?
TheGirl: Meh. TheChisel is here for the weekend. Super!!!!
Me: I always marvel how you decry his presence but still allow him to BE IN your presence
TheGirl: Trying to be a good person. Never know when I'll be homeless
Me: like I said, I marvel
TheGirl: Me stupid?
Me: no.. not stupid..
TheGirl: Me too nice?
Me: yes.. a simple "I have plans" would have suffice
TheGirl: Then I'd live with the guilt
Me: anyway...
TheGirl: :-(
Me: I have no right to say anything.. Chan says hi though
TheGirl: I'd help anyone who needs help. But I do draw a line. We never know when we need help with a couch to sleep on
Me: it might rain, supposedly

I think it's time for another drink.

Sat April 18, I was thinking this morning that I wanted a Denver omelet and my aunt read my mind and asked if I wanted go to get some breakfast.  Sure, I said, and after I showered we went to our local IHOP, which was PACKED.  I mean it was super packed.  I told her there was another option and drove us to Jinky's.  But that was packed as well.  We settled on Marie Calendar's.  It was yummy though.  I ate so much food.  I finally got to talk to my aunt like a human being.  Most morning she interrupts my breakfast, and it pisses me off.  But today was cool.  We needed it.

We returned home and I spent the next few hours waiting for my buddy to show up for some eating and drinking.  I tried to spend my time doing something productive.  I went online to check on the library renovation.  I didn't find much, but I did find the above scheduling.  According to this schedule the renovation should have already been done.  Ha!  Of course it hasn't even started yet.  What a pile of bullshit.

Once my buddy came over we went to get some food.  Went to Mendocino Farms for some good sandwiches.  While there I saw a funny little scene.  The woman in the picture above was shaking her booty, which I thought was damn nice, in front of a family as they waited for their food.  The family was earlier seated at the table to the left of this woman's butt.  The woman and another woman, that I surmised was her daughter, started playing foosball.  The woman was sticking out her butt in the family's faces that the mom turned to the father at one point and said something about moving.  Meanwhile, this woman was totally oblivious to the fact that she had her butt up in this family's face.  It was so funny.  I will say that I would have liked her butt in my face.

There's not much to report on drinking with my buddy.  He drank beer, I had whiskey.  But neither of us got too sloshed.  In fact, I don't think I got above a 7/10.  Still, we had a good time.

Sun April 19, Today was such a bullshit day.  It wasn't so bad at work, but the commute before work really put me a foul mood.  Specifically some dull idiot that honked at me on the freeway while I drove to work.  This dolt was tailgating me because of course he needs to bully me into tailgating the guy in front of me.  Fucking bullshit!  There was no reason for this idiot to honk at me.  We were driving in near bumper to bumper traffic.  There's no reason for me to speed to the guy in front of me and ride that guy's ass.  It's stupid, and a waste of energy.  But of course this waste of space wants me to race forward and speed for no good reason.  This encounter put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.  I fucking HATE that I have to deal with dolts like this.  I'm a reasonable person.  Perhaps too reasonable.  This guy today made a lot of thoughts go through my head.  Like, how bad would it be if I bought a shotgun and carried it in my car for such situations.  Or how about if I just jump off a bridge and then I'd be free of these morons.  Thoughts like that aren't healthy, but neither are these morons that insist on making me feel bad.  This guy literally ruined my day.

Work was whatever.  I did my job but I didn't want to be at work.  After work I thought of treating myself to a Disneyland dinner.  But I was tired and I just went home, bought myself some McD's and passed out in my chair.  Then I did some work on my computer indexing my photos.  It's a task I should do more regularly, but it's hard.  Then I texted my friend, the patron at CPL.  She's nice, but like every other woman in the world, she only wants to be my friend.  Which reminds me that Snow is now out of the picture.  I thought of going after Emiline from work.  She's nice, and before I put Snow on the front burner I thought of asking Emiline out for dinner.  But Snow became the priority, and Emiline was a distant second.  But now I think it's time to throw the idea of Snow out and focus on Emiline.  I'll let a month go by before I do anything though.  I need some time to let the bitter taste of yet another failure pass.

Mon April 20, The only thing I can report on today is that morning work was crazy.  We had four people working on passports, including me.  The library is often swamped with passport applications, because many of the places that used to do applications have closed.  Now we're getting those people.  They always tell us how much they made in applications, but has that money trickled down to the grunts that are making that possible?  No.  They can go fuck themselves.

Tue April 21, I printed a poster for TheDesire using the Beast at San Marino.  Yes, this is technically using San Marino's property for something that has nothing to do with San Marino.  But of course my justification is that I like TheDesire, and would do anything for her.  It's dumb, and I did it to impress her, and for her to like me that little bit more.  Well, today she worked and as soon as she got to her desk she sent me a text thanking me.  As shown above, I played it off.  Still, as I write this sentence I have to confess that I still love her.

When I finally got to work I saw TheDesire and she was quite happy that I printed out her poster.  I was hoping for a hug, but TheDesire said yesterday that we should have lunch next Friday.  This coming Friday she's taking the day off to march to the Turkish embassy to protest the genocide.  I also invited her to get some ice cream, the ice cream that I wanted to go to with Snow.  But I know TheDesire will be more amenable to the invite.  She said she would go, but not until she lost some weight.  She said she wanted to get down to 120 pounds.  I joked back that she only weighted 122, so I wouldn't have to wait long.  But when I saw TheDesire today I honestly thought she was three months pregnant.  Course, I don't know that she isn't.  Logically her saying she needs to lose weight makes me think she's not pregnant.  Her being pregnant would hurt.  I've had a nightcap as I started writing this so I can honestly say that my goal before the end of the year is to kiss TheDesire.  Snow who?  I wanted it to work out with Snow, but in my mind I still wanted TheDesire.  And now I can focus on kissing her.  I don't expect anything more than that at this point.

Wed April 22, I wish I had something to report today.  It was pretty much a normal Wednesday for me.  I had a chill morning in class, a chill afternoon on the desk, and then went to dinner with TheGirl.  There were no big revelations.  Just a nice day.  I'm kinda wondering how Snow will react tomorrow on the route.  But aside from that today was super chill.

Thu April 23, The route today was a little more busy than normal, but nothing too crazy.  And thankfully I wasn't battling fatigue on top of everything else.  But I was wondering how my arrival at Snow's branch would come off.  I talked to my buddy about the possible scenarios and we figured that Snow would simply ignore my dinner request.  That's fine, it's probably the best way this should play out.  That way we can just act like every other adult and ignore what's right in our faces.

The actual encounter with Snow started out awkward, like she didn't know how to talk to me.  But I read this in her body language and decided to make a joke about a poster she was going to get for the library's summer reading program.  With that she knew I didn't hold a grudge.  Which is what I wanted to project.  I didn't want the rest of our encounters to be awkward.  Yes, I failed with her.  But I didn't want it to be something that would fester in the long run.

With that out of the way the rest of the route was easy.  I was asked to do a training session for our new book check out system.  Three hours after working a full route, and having dinner.  Not only that, but the lesson was a total bore.  I fought my body from falling asleep.  It was fucking terrible.  But, I survived it and now of course I'm an expert at all things related to our new circulation system.  Fucking bullshit!  I'm glad I didn't have to do the training last week.  This shit was brutal.  At least it's out of the way.  I watched the little lesson and learned almost nothing from it.  I learned more from turning the lesson off and just working the actual program.  I'll tear that thing apart when I get a chance.  I'll know more than any of those fools that went to the actual training.  Fucking idiots.

The last little picture above is of Suzka, relaxing in Palm Springs.  Relaxing there with her fella.  I can now confirm that she has a guy.  Good for her.  But obviously that takes her off the market.  Not that I had a fucking chance with her, but at least I had hope.  Now, that's gone.  I should really just stop hoping to find anyone in this world.  I've mentioned it many a time.  When you take everything I've written on this website then you know that this is a reoccurring theme in my life.  TheGirl and Talia represent the breath of my relationships.  Failed as they were, at least I had a good time while they lasted.  Talia was a good time.  TheGirl let me experience passion.  Alas, both relationships are in the past.  I had hoped that Snow would be that significant relationship that eclipse the previous two failures.  Moreover, I just liked her.  I really have to find a way to just give up.  I'm not one to give up hope, but when reality sets in hope goes where it should go, down the drain.  I need that to happen with my love life.  It probably already has, but I'm too stupid to realize it.  Everywhere I try to hang my hat I find that I'm not welcomed.  There has to be enough booze to make me realize there just isn't any hope left.

Fri April 24, MicroManager loves control.  Yesterday the branch manager where I used to work on Mondays wondered why MicroManger only sent two rolls of thermal paper.  That's the paper used to print out receipts for the patrons.  We go through a lot of that stuff at Central, so sending two is a dick move.  I told the manager there that I would see what I could do.  So today I went and grabbed two rolls from the front desk, and then went to the back to grab two more.  But then I noticed that if I used a pair of the bins to smuggle out nearly an entire package of paper, so I did.  I left the rolls at the branch with a short little note.

There isn't much to report on today's route, except to explain the second of the pictures above.  Simply, I put a mustache on the author's even page.  I wonder how long it will take for the patrons and employees to find out.  On my last stop I took an extended break.  Lately I've been finishing up nearly an hour before quitting time.  But no way sucker me is going back to base early.  I milked that last stop with a nice break that you could say is my two breaks in one longer break.

When I arrived at Snow's branch I didn't know what to expect.  And what I got wasn't pleasant.  I will start off by saying that perhaps she's not in a good mood because of the new hours, as well as other things I'm not privy too.  Even still, there was a coldness to her today.  I walked in and she talked to me, but she didn't turn to see me.  She never really looked at me.  A couple of weeks ago, after the Disneyland thing, she ate lunch with me in the break room.  Yesterday she walked in and asked me what I was eating.  Today, nothing.  I walked out without saying good-bye to her either.  In the long run, even if she treats me like she used to I think it's time to move on emotionally.  I was rejected, simple as that.  I probably won't need her contact information, so I wrote myself a reminder on my phone to remind me to delete her when I arrived at home.  I haven't done it yet, mainly because my buddy wants to talk to me about this.  But what can he say?  It will be done.

Sat April 25, I want to do so much on my Saturdays off.  But then the inertia takes over and all I want to do is rest.  An object at rest tends to stay at rest.  Today I was like a stone, I could not be moved.  My aunt bought me breakfast.  We went to the same place we went last week.  Food is like a sleeping pill to me, so of course when we arrived back home all I wanted to do is sleep.  I passed out on my chair, and decided it was better if I slept in my bed.  I snoozed for about an hour and a half.  Good times.

Later in the day TheDesire sent me a text saying she wanted to go to an art installation downtown.  I didn't get it at the time, but she went there today.  But she wanted to go back with me.  With me!  On some level she does like me.  It might even reach a romantic level, but she won't act upon it.  However, she was nice enough to invite me to this thing, and even mention that she might pose for me.  It's been three years since she posed for me.  Yeah, but all I want to do is kiss her.  Ha!

Sun April 26, Nothing much to report.  Work was busy, for once on a Sunday.  I wanted to go have dinner at Disneyland, but my energy level these days is low.  I didn't feel like driving all the way down there tonight.  TheDesire once again mentioned posing for me at this art installation downtown.  She said she's feeling "inspired."  We decided to go on the 23rd of May.  TheDesire mentioned wanting to, "lose some weight" before then.  I joke with my buddy that I should kiss her.  Deep down inside I do want to kiss her more than anything.  Alas, if given the opportunity I'm not sure that I would.  I like and respect her too much to just out and out kiss her without some signal from her that I should.  However, I think back at when TheGirl made her move.  She was tired of waiting for me to make up my mind, so she made it for me.  I'm glad.

Mon April 27, I forgot to mention that I bought tickets for the Hollywood Bowl yesterday.  I do love going to the Bowl.  I've made it a yearly event.  Last year I went to see the music of Hitchcock movies.  This year, Bugs Bunny!  A few weeks ago I looked at this event as something that I would possibly be going with Snow.  Obviously that's not going to happen.  I always have TheGirl as my ultimate back-up.  Last year I bought tickets and thought that TheDesire would go with me.  I forget how that idea went down the drain.  I just remember that I wanted to go with TheDesire, but ended up having a great time with TheGirl.  I'm glad she was there for me.  I don't know that I could have gone alone.  The Hollywood Bowl isn't something that one does alone.  This year I'm aiming to take TheDesire once again, with TheGirl as my back-up, again.

Work was busy today.  I had to run up to the circulation desk at San Marino because they were swamped with passports.  This passport thing is becoming the main thing we do here at the library.

The picture above is of Chandaka sitting on top of TheGirl's TV while we visited her, as is our tradition on Monday nights.

Tue April 28, There really isn't much to report tonight.  Everyone at Glendale is talking about leaving if they do make us work until 10pm.  I have to say that I have no desire to work that late.  I will certainly try to avoid working those crazy hours.  But, I also understand that this may be the new reality for a while.  I still don't know if they have the money for the renovation, but they sure are talking and planning like they have the money.

My friend from San Marino did get a call today for an interview for clerk.  She and I are having lunch tomorrow, where I'll try to prep her for the interview Thursdays.  I think she has the job seeing as I put in a good word for her with the boss.  The boss seems to be saying that she's going to get in, but of course no one knows for sure.  I wish her luck.

Wed April 29, Morning class was chill.  Two of the students didn't show up for two out of the four classes, yet want me to review what we already did in the previous classes.  No.  You didn't come, you missed it, sorry.  I know we all have lives and things we have and want to do.  But you can't come in after missing half the class and say that you want me to review what they missed.  Yeah, you missed a lot.  Deal with it.

I had lunch with my friend Jenn.  She has an interview at the library tomorrow.  I put in a good word for her, and hopefully that gives her the edge that she needs to get the job.  Last week my boss asked me if she was good.  I told her that of course she's a good hire.  Then she says, "Isn't that the patron that has a crush on you?"  Ha!  "No," I told her.  But who knows for sure.  Jenn sure doesn't act like she has a crush on me, but then again how would I know for sure.

Dinner with TheGirl consisted of food from Habit.  There isn't much to report about the conversation.  Mostly talked about how dumb my Glendale job is, and how her finger hurts.  The doctor injected it with some steroids.  Should do the job to take the pain away.  One revelation was that TheGirl said that Wednesday is the only day she eats dinner during the week.  That's nuts.  She thinks she's fat.  Well, if that's the case she's packing on the pounds thanks to what she eats on the weekends.

Thu April 30, The route today was kinda chill.  They gave me a special delivery, a bunch of bundles of fliers to give to various schools in town.  I only did about half of them, leaving the other half for tomorrow.  I didn't want to do them all today, because it would mean having to work more hours.  That's not usually a problem, unless I'm working at San Marino in the evening, like I did tonight.

I saw Snow at my third to last stop.  She looked so pretty.  I still lament of what might have been.  I don't regret it, and I certainly don't feel bitter about it.  I just wish that one time, some time, someone would see my potential.  Nah, who am I kidding.  Ha!

I got to news today at San Marino that my friend will be hired, but she won't be hired as a clerk.  They're going to offer her a page job.  That's cool.  She needs a job, and she did wow them enough to have the offer her a job.  Sadly she wasn't as qualified as some others.  As the boss said, they had a lot of good candidates this time around.  I believe it.  I know they say the economy has gotten better, but the job market still sucks.  Perhaps my influence helped Jenn get the page job, at least.  Otherwise, no job.  I'm glad I could help.  I don't want to tell her until they offer her the job.

After work H told me that the four hires are dopes.  The good ones that the committee picked were good, but the circulation manager has final say and apparently he has once again gone with those who "feel" good, rather than those who are good.  On paper, anyway.  I don't mind him going with his gut, but if the pages are any indiction of his hiring practices at work, then we don't need to say much more than this.  He hires people that are sweet, but don't pull their weight.  They are not as capable as an "average" person, because they're all a little "special."  But, as the boss said, it's his department.  Just great.