The months only seem to be going faster.  Well, here's the report for May.

Fri, May 1, Today the route was rough, only because of the heat.  The photo above shows you how hot it was when I was about half way done with the route.  And it was a blazing heat, like the kind of heat that you feel when you stick your hand in an oven.  It comes at you from all over.  Floor, above, sides.. from all over.  It sapped my energy today.  I started out so well, but by the time I reached Brand I was wilting, despite the best efforts of the delivery van's A/C.  When I reached Brand I took a few minutes to recuperate.  I took a picture of that head you see, a giant picture of a portrait.  TheDesire saw a part of that installation downtown, and invited me to see it in a couple of weeks.  And here I had a preview of it yesterday.  I knew I would take a picture of it today, and I did.  I talked to the girl up at Brand for a bit.  I proposed that she let me photograph her nude a few months ago.  She said flat out no.  But today she said that she was reconsidering it.  She probably won't do it, but just hearing that she was reconsidering gave me a hard-on.  I hope she does it.

Last week's cold reception by Snow made me wonder what I saw in her.  One look at her ass today reminded me what.  Today she was still standoffish.  Before I asked her out, before I even broached the subject I remember that one day that she had lunch with me at that table in the employee lounge.  That would be the closest I would get to her.  The closest I got to having dinner with her.  To having any sort of connection with her.  I had the audacity to find her attractive.  I had the gall to want to spend my time with her.  Today all I got was a quick visit to the lounge, with her back to me the entire time, and silence.  When I left I made it a point to stop and make eye contact with her.  I waved my hand in a "princess wave" manner.  Good-bye.  I pinned so much hope on this one woman, again.  Like I do every time.  I know that given my personality, my age, and perhaps a dozen other negative factors that I won't find a woman to like me for the rest of my life.  I've fought this idea that I would be alone.  I've had nothing but hope that somehow I could overcome these and other deficiencies.  But it's not true.  I can't.  I'm doomed to fail every time.  So I'll sit here again and again saying that this last one could have been the one.  There isn't going to be any that will ever really be the one.  I'll sit here and write that perhaps this time, but I'll be wrong again.  I'm always going to be wrong.  Except for tonight.  Tonight I realized it.  Tomorrow I'll forget this dark moment and hope will bring again.  That's the foolish romantic in me.  I never give up.  Though I probably should, for my own good.

And then there's TheDesire.  Another one I never had a chance with.  Here she is with her friend, formally from the library.  TheDesire had mentioned she wanted to go see an Armenian photo display with me downtown.  We decided that May 23rd was good.  I would pick her up after work.  But then I realized that we're not going to be opened that weekend.  I mentioned it to her and she said that sometimes she works those weekends that Glendale is closed, so the timing might not work out.  So, we decided that a week earlier is best.  However, that might be the night of the city employees Dodger night.  She's going to check.  I deleted that email, so I have no idea when the game is going to be.  If it is that night we'll have to figure out what day is best.  I'm still in love with TheDesire.  My pursuit of Snow was going to take that love and place it in the past, where it belongs.  Failing that I want TheDesire more than ever.  I have a fucking sick mind.

I came home tonight, dead tired.  I wanted to treat myself to dinner somewhere, but I never knw what I want to eat these days.  As a result, I went home and passed out on my bed.  A quick lie down became an hour long siesta.  When I woke up I was starving.  There wasn't a drop of Coca Cola in the house, so I quickly drove up the street to get four bottles.  I need to have a huge supply, all the time.  I don't what to run out.  Upon arriving back home I warmed up some meatballs that my aunt defrosted and heated up.  I don't think she realizes that they're already cooked.  She doesn't have to do anything to them but let them thaw out.  As a result they were fucking dry.  Her refried beans were flavorless.  The fucking garlic bread was bland.  I bought some last week and it was yummy.  This shit was worthless.  I ate because I was starving, but the meal was most unsatisfying.  Before that my aunt was hounding me about tomorrow.  I told her I would help her with some banking issues that my Godmother has.  But on top of that my uncle wants to come over.  I nearly said he should come next week, but I don't want to have both weekends completely destroyed.  What I need is another job on Saturdays, so I can say that I'm working and my family can leave me the fuck alone.  Failing that I need a place where I can go after work on Fridays and sleep and not return home until Saturday night.  Not sure how I could manage that last idea.  If I had a girlfriend I could do that, like when I was seeing TheGirl.  I would go to work Friday morning and my aunt wouldn't see me until Sunday morning.  Aside from the adventures and the sex, that might have been the best part of having a girlfriend.  Not seeing anyone else those days.  Alas, that's not an option.

Sat, May 2, My aunt has been hounding me to go to my Godmother's to remove her late husband's name off her bank account and add me.  That way, if anything happens I can take control of her money.  Course I've been either busy or too tired to do this.  But, I figured this weekend would be fine to do this.  I didn't have anything planned, and it was much better than doing it next week, when I might have some plans.  My aunt and I drove down and found my Godmother outside her place.  So we went to the bank and did our business.  But, because we have to wait one business day for the bank to process the change we will probably have to come back next week to place me on the account.  Oh well, nothing can ever be easy.  After the bank, which took maybe fifteen minutes, my aunt insisted we go to My Taco.  I paid.  I had the yummy meal you see above: an enchilada, a sope, and a fried potato taco.  I nearly cleaned my plate.

After lunch/breakfast we traveled down to Chinatown for a little walk.  I took some pictures.  Chinatown is changing, a lot.  Not only were there fewer business open, but there was also a huge change on the corner where Little Joe's used to be.  They're building an apartment building, as you can see from the photos above.  Not that I had these great memories of Little Joe's, but it's strange to now see this huge building going up on that corner.  Little Joe's has been closed for as long as I can remember.  Couple that with the closes stores in the Chinatown plaza and I feel that yet another slice of my past is changing.  If it was changing for the better I would be fine with it.  But I'm not sure it's changing for the better.  Time will, as it always does, tell.

Upon dropping off my Godmother at her favorite donut shop my aunt and I went back home, where I proceeded to pass out.  I just ran out of energy.  I'm not sure why Saturdays I seem to have no energy.  I seem to sleep for a couple of hours during the day.  I think it's time to change some things and adjust others.  I need to eat less during the day.  I need to eat smaller portions and lose some damn weight.  I also need to somehow get more sleep.  I also need to work on my photography.  I saw an open call for artists, and I want to collaborate with that girl from Brand library on something.  Hopefully something that yields great art and yields her clothes.  I'm going to email her and see if she wants to collaborate on a project.  Aside from the possible nudity, I also would like to work on art with her.  Time will tell what happens.

Sun, May 3, Work was pretty standard today.  The library was busy, but we didn't get too many questions.  Mainly because most of the people at the library were studying.  Not too many questions to answer, thankfully.  I did get to be in charge of setting up and monitoring an author event.  Aside from that the day was chill.

After work I jetted down to Disneyland for a meal I've been wanting to have for a long time now.  I found out about a possible yummy meal at Disneyland.  A sourdough bacon patty melt from the Carnation Cafe on Main Street.  It's been weeks since I've been wanting to go.  Even before I went with Snow and Shay I had plans on going to Disneyland.  But my tired body makes me reconsider going after work on Sunday.  This week though I played a trick on myself in order to force myself to go.  I went online and made a reservation for dinner.  They even charged me a dollar to make it, and I did, and I did show up.  And I'm glad too, because the patty melt was SO yummy.  It REALLY hit the spot.  I cleaned off my plate of every crumb.

I walked around for a little bit, but my tired body didn't feel like walking around too much, so I just went home.  Good day.

Mon, May 4, My buddy coined a phrase, "Submarine mode," meaning that he's doing to dive and not be seen at work.  I think it's something I need to adopt in my whole life.  Yeah.  I think it's time to disappear.  I'm pretty much tired of nearly everyone I know at work.  I'm tired of the food I eat.  I am pretty much tired to the point of exhaustion.

Tue, May 5, Today was a meh kinda of day at both my jobs.  I'm pretty tired of both of these jobs right now.  I really need a change, but good luck finding a job.  Wish there was something I could sell, like my blood.  I guess what I'm saying is that I fucking hate the rut I'm in.  Every fucking day, it's the same shit.  People used to ask me what I was up to, and I had an answer.  These days, I'm up to nothing.  Nothing at all.  This is some major bullshit.

Once again MicroManager asks me if I'm available to work on Saturdays.  This is related to the renovation.  MicroManager has to redo the whole schedule, and she's scrambling to do so.  Tonight I overheard her decry that she has to do the scheduling for reference.  She said, "Why don't they do their own schedules," to the circulation boss.  Her boss.  It's going to be a ride to see the library fall apart from the inside.

Wed, May 6, Today in class a woman asked a simple question.  I answered it, but in the middle of answering it another woman ejaculated that I shouldn't answer every random question posed to me.  She made it a point to say that she was there to learn the basics.  That's what I was doing, but of course she can't just let me do this on my own pace.  It's funny that she was complaining because she talked to her friend during the ENTIRE class.  I calmly said that yes, we were there to learn, but that I couldn't ignore a question.  I'm pretty tired of this iPad class now.  I've been tired of it, and I think that after today's thing I'm going to tell the bosses that I don't want to do it any more.

After my terrible class I went and bought lunch at Jack-in-the-box.  All this week I have not had breakfast.  Mainly because the food that I have at home is just plain yucky.  But also because there's hardly any food in the fridge.  My aunt has this tendency to make me a side dish, like say mac and cheese, and that's it.  Side dishes are not entree, and of course having mac and cheese doesn't not make for a full meal.  Before work I went to the market and bought some cold cuts.  The last couple of days I've bought sandwiches, and I think it's a good alternative to mac and cheese.  I'll need some lettuce, but aside from that I'm all set.

I go to my desk time and find out that the passport transmittals haven't been done.  My coworkers from Wednesdays have gotten other jobs, so the replacement was one person, not two.  So at the busiest part of the day two people that don't do passports are on the desk.  Aside from that we're perfect.  I end up having to do the job of three people, while I fill out the transmittal, the replace the paper in the cash register, and try to answer reference questions at the same time.  Of course it's impossible.  Especially when my two coworkers don't help out at all.  I somehow navigated through that, but I wasn't happy.  I'm not happy.  I'm tired of the circulation manager skirting his duties to have an adequate staff.  Today I felt like a hockey goalie that has a bad team in front of him, so he has to deflect an extraordinary amount of pucks coming his way.  But, I felt good that I made the saves.  Not that the bosses care, or will notice.

Thu, May 7, There isn't much to report from the route today.  It was pretty standard.  I got everything done on time.  Which was important because I had plans for tonight.  As mentioned TheDesire invited me to the author dinner tonight, to take pictures.  She said that she told Lora that I printed out her poster for her.  I'm sure Lora wondered how I managed that, and why I did it.  I'm pretty transparent in my motives.  I'm absolutely sure everyone there knows that I like TheDesire.  I don't do a very good job masking that fact.  So yes, I was invited.

I've jumped the gun a bit.  After my route I went to dinner with So-so.  It was 3pm, and the author dinner wasn't supposed to start until 5pm.  Plenty of time to have a small dish and some booze.  I had two cocktails during dinner, but it was so long that by the time the author dinner arrived I was nearly sober.  Snow called me this morning to see if I could work at one of the branches.  And her being at the dinner made sense since she wasn't going to be able to work that time on the desk.  She was looking for me to cover those hours.  I didn't explain why I couldn't make it, just that I couldn't.  It became self apparent when we stood there in the conference room.

I was early, even though I didn't make my way up to the conference room until 5:05.  In my milling around I gravitated towards the stairs in the front.  I was in the perfect position when the author walked up the walkway.  I went down to meet her, since I knew that TheDesire was somewhere else, and didn't know she was showing up.  I took it upon myself to do the escorting.  This move, while in my mind chivalrous, put me in direct view of Junior on the circulation desk.  Who was, I was later informed by So-so, mentioning that I was dressed nice in a, "Monkey suit."  It was hardly a monkey suit, though my having Chan around makes the term a compliment rather than an insult.  I wore my sports coat and jeans.  Again, hardly a monkey suit.  But in my coworkers eyes it meant something.  As I just said, they know how I feel towards TheDesire.  The "monkey suit" is just another piece of evidence.

Snow looked nice.  I love her hips, and her butt.  She's pretty.  She probably wondered what I was doing there.  Maybe she sees the way I see TheDesire and knows something.  I wanted her though, and TheDesire would have been way in the past if Snow would have liked me.  I would have given it my all to do right by Snow.  Alas.

Of course I was there to be around TheDesire.  We're going to hang out in two weeks, but any moment with her is precious.  I was the unofficial, official photographer for the night.  I didn't make a Herculean effort to take a lot of pictures, but I did try to do right by my unofficial title.  I knew I would win brownie points with TheDesire.  She likes my photos, and has become my best patron of my art since TheGirl.  If there was ever a tool that I have to impress it's my photography.  Snow hasn't looked at my work, though I think that ship has sailed.  Still, one never knows.  Anyway, I did my "job" to photograph the big picture.  I think that this picture of the author and TheDesire is the picture of the night.

After dinner wrapped up the whole lot of us went to the auditorium to hear the author speak.  She didn't say anything profound, but the fact that she is a hack, and yet a published hack, once again made me wonder why I'm sitting on my hands.  Once seated I didn't get up until the end of the event.  There isn't much to say about the last little bit of the event.  I didn't get to interact with the author, or Snow, or TheDesire.  I once again took a picture, justifying my existence and appearance at the event.  We all left together at the end of the night.  TheDesire was parked in the front, because she had to return the potted plants that she bought for the event.  That meant the rest of us crossed the street, and she went back towards the front of the library.  She yelled out thanks to everyone in general.  The only one she named was me.  She thanked me right at the end.  Telling?  I'm sure they all noticed it.  Snow helped her more than I did, yet somehow I got a personal good-bye, and the rest of the gang didn't.  All-in-all a good night.

Fri, May 8, My buddy and I have been talking about alterations to the route for a few weeks now.  I'm not sure how I brought up the subject, but I mentioned that I was thinking of juxtaposing the 1st and 3rd stops of the route in order to get an extended break at the most isolated branch, Chevy.  That branch is up in the hills, and is our first stop on days we go up there, Wednesdays and Fridays.  It's a perfect spot for an extended break, because no one is up there on those days.  However, its isolation also makes it the worst place to deal with.  Today I switched the order and went to Chevy 3rd on the route.  On a light day like today I can usually do the route pretty fast, and I did.  However, having to travel up there and then essentially double back nullified any time advantage I thought I was going to get.  I didn't even have an extended amount of time to take a longer break.  Perhaps if I had truly switched my lunch period to that time then I would have noticed some difference.  But my lunch wasn't any longer or shorter.  And any perceived advantage was unnoticed.  In short, it felt like a good idea, but the isolation made my travel time longer, and that ate away at any additional time I could have gained.

The rest of the route was pretty standard.  Because of the new hours I didn't see Snow.  TheDesire texted me this morning to thank me for last night.  It was my pleasure.  I know I've tried my best to just be her friend, but I still really like TheDesire.  I so wanted the Snow thing to work out, because I do like Snow a lot.  And I find her to be the equal of TheDesire in perhaps every way.  But my failure with her has only resulted in me regressing and once again having a crush on TheDesire.  It's not ideal, because once again I have this feeling inside me that TheDesire would be with me if she could, but is only holding back because of her parents.  But I don't know this to be true.  I just wish it to be true.  In two weeks time we're going to a display downtown.  I joke with my buddy that I will want to kiss her that day, but the truth is I want to kiss her every time I see her.  And I wanted to kiss Snow every time I saw her.  Having them both in the same room, a few feet from each other, knowing what I know, was awkward.  I have a little bit of a history now with TheDesire, thought in the big scheme of things it is but a couple of drops in the bucket.  My short history with Snow was fun, but in both cases my own stupidity has tainted any other interactions with them.

After work I was on my way home when I thought about how I was going to run right into a buzz saw of kids and neighbors at the house.  I knew I had to kill some time before going home.  As I merged with the 101 from the 134 I remembered that I had two things on my agenda for today.  Those two errands would surly kill plenty of time.  One was a stop at the bank to pay my monthly mortgage payment.  That didn't take long.  The second was a stop at the 99 cent store for my aunt.  I doubled back and hit both stops, one, two.  While in the store I was texting my buddy.  I didn't want to stand in the middle of the aisle while texting, so I parked myself to the side, where I thought I would be out of everyone's way (as shown above).  But this bald bastard HAS to come up to the exact spot I'm standing and stands RIGHT NEXT TO ME.  The second picture I took self portrait style to illustrate how close this guy was to me (that's my shoulder in the lower right hand corner of the picture).  Mind you, there is NO ONE ELSE in the aisle.  This guy didn't have to come up to where I was standing.  He could have waited a moment.  But no!  This guy is a good example of people that HAVE to stand or sit near you in an empty location.  I'm sure that if I was the first in a theater and I picked out a spot this guy would park himself right behind me.  Creep.

To offset the negative of that bald bastard being a dope the Universe gave me some eye candy to look at while I was shopping.  The girl pictured appeared like a vision.  Her body was NICE!  Simple as that.  Of course dumpy old me only got a dirty look from her, twice.  Once in the store, and another time when I was about to drive in my car.  Our eyes met, and I gave her a nod.  She, in response, gave me nothing.

Sat, May 9, Today I had to go finish up this Godmother stuff with the bank.  Last week we took her husband off the account, and this week we went to put me on the account.  Simple enough, didn't take too long, thankfully.  After that we went to get some food at My Taco again.  I had to go into work to cover a shift, or so I thought it was to cover a shift.  Turns out I didn't have to cover it this weekend.  Oh well.  I went to work for nothing, but not quite.  I have this big project due on Tuesday, and I needed the time to do this anyway.  I thought of going into work as it was, and this just made it official.  But I got the dates wrong, but that just meant that I was able to focus on the project instead of being on the desk as well.

Work was pretty chill.  When I'm back in the office I can chill out, work at my own pace, and even watch stuff on my iPad while I work.  Which is what I did.  I came out of my office only a couple of times.  I'm going to hide back there more often.  My coworker Tina wanted me to print out a poster that will go above some parenting books.  After our interaction, my other coworker says to me, "I think she's interested."  Hey, I'm certainly interested in her body.  Mind?  I'd have to get to know her better.  Still, this should move me to start laying a foundation for this thing.  Time to go to work.

I emailed TheDesire the pictures the other day and today.  She wasn't at work yesterday, but she was today.  After opening the email she texted me the above conversation.  So in less than two weeks we're not only going to see this iWitness thing, but we're going to have dinner together.  It's been a while.  I love having dinner with TheDesire.  I just like her a lot.

Sun, May 10, The library was nearly empty today.  I don't think I answered more than two reference questions.  Which was fine by me.  My coworker T was comical today.  There was birthday cake from her boyfriend's party.  She came downstairs with frosting in her hair.  And then the second time she went up and ate cake it was all on her upper lip.  I joked that she must have just ate it without her hands.

I've been thinking of not doing this computer/iPad class anymore.  But certainly that terrible women dressing me down the other day didn't help my decision.  I'm burnt out on this thing anyway.  I never seem to get to these people.  They constantly talk to me about the same stupid things.  It feels like I'm hitting my head against the wall.  And then to be beaten up by the very woman that's having a conversation with her friend the entire time I'm trying to lecture, that's too much.  I don't want to do this class any more.  It was a great opportunity, but now I'm done.  I said as much in my email to my contact at the recreation department.  They'll read it tomorrow.  I said it this early because I still have to work this class until July 29th.  After that I'm free.  No more dumb computer questions.  Done!

After work a patron I talk to a lot and I went to a burger joint called Grill'em All.  The burger I bought was something called "I Wanna Be Your Dog."  It was pretty good.  Nothing overwhelmingly great, just OK.  Would I go back?  In a pinch, yes.  But it's not like I HAVE to go there.  Pie 'n Burger still has a better burger, and of course they have pie.  Still, the burger joint wasn't horrible.  I think it's too gimmicky though.  The music was super loud.  There were stickers all over the place.  Actually, except for the heavy metal stickers and artwork the place felt to me like it was trying to be a Dog Haus.  What I'm saying is that the whole place felt like it was trying too hard.  Everything felt like it was studied, and added, because it fit a certain idea of what a restaurant like this should be.  That's what the burger also felt like.  It wasn't a bad burger, I just felt that it had no heart.  If a burger can have heart.  I'll stick with the burger with heart, Pie 'n Burger.

Tue, May 12, Job 2 was a bore tonight.  They had me shelf reading for an hour.  I nearly fell asleep standing off.  Not much else to report.

Wed, May 13, Work was work.  I brought Chan inside the library with me because I'm worried that the heat of the car will do damage to his body.  I told myself that I would bring hims in from now on, and I think I will.  It's going to open me up to some laughs, and people will wonder why I carry a stuffed monkey with me wherever I go, but it's worth it for Chan.  As I said, work was work.  I had to sorta suffer through some passport drama, but nothing like last week.  I was happy to go home.  My iPad class was better as well.  Nothing big, but a difference in the woman that was dressing me down last week.  She was calm.  Still, I'm glad I resigned.

Dinner with TheGirl was pretty standard this week.  We talked about possibly going to Disneyland, and how she is worried that the new bank that is buying her bank will change things.  The big wigs showed up to her office yesterday, and she says it went well.  It looks like they're going to leave things alone... for now.  How long that will last still remains to be seen.  As always, a new regime will come in and say they won't change anything.  Things are good as they are.  But then one day someone wants to put their stamp on the company and the whole thing that was there goes out the window.  Usually replaced by a worse version of itself.  I sure hope for her sake that they don't change things.

Thu, May 14, The route today was nearly nothing in terms of amount of bins I had to deliver.  I counted 14 bins.  My only challenge was racing the rain to 3 o'clock.  I didn't win the race, but at least it didn't come down in buckets while I was at work.  It came down in buckets later in the night though.

Some observations from today.  I probably won't see Snow for a while.  It has been two weeks since I've seen her at her branch.  Because of the new hours she usually arrives after I leave.  I enchanted one of the pages, but no Snow.  Officially I saw her last week at the author event.  But I'm talking about seeing her at her branch.  Like I said, I probably don't see her there for a long time.

The other highlight of the route was K asking if she could borrow my camera.  After work I took it to her, and she shared a salad with me as well.  We had a nice little talk.  She asked me how life was.  Asked if there was a special person in my life.  Nope, I told her.  I don't have the time.  Which is absolutely true.  I should add theta I don't have the energy.

After job one I went to job two and pretty much just chilled.  Thursday nights I feel like the caretaker of that second seat at the reference desk.  If they want to pay me for doing practically nothing, I'm OK with that.  The long night ended with me driving home in the pouring rain.  The rain that didn't hit while I was on the route hit at around 7:30, and then as I went home a couple of hours later.  As I left work and got on the freeway it was really coming down.  It didn't let up until I arrived in Burbank.

Fri, May 15, The route was a little heavier than yesterday.  Mostly because of new books going to the branches.  Aside from that there were very few bins today.  The library is migrating to a new system.  The new system won't go live until this coming Wednesday, but they have to migrate the information from one server to another.  During that time we can't make changes, nor can we pull the holds.  Hence me not having very many books to deliver the last couple of days.  I went without lunch today, but that didn't afford me any extra time at my last stop, as in the past.  Didn't matter, I didn't kill myself.

Ani, for lack of a nickname, works at one of the branches.  I've posted photos of her here in the past.  She's a little big, bigger than what I'm used to liking.  However, I've always had great conversations with her.  And something about her makes me excited.  I proposed working together on a project, but I haven't had the time to discuss it with her.  Today I saw that she was parked outside work, before going into to work, so I parked the van in front of her car to talk to her.  We chatted a little.  She hadn't slept much the night before, because she was out drinking.  I told her my one going to work drunk story.  She told me I was alright.  Yeah, I am.  When it was time for her to go into work she asked me if I could zip up her shoes.  I bent down and obliged.  I wanted to touch her leg.  I wanted to touch her thigh.  But just being there, zipping her shoes, I was quite excited.  So much so that I couldn't actually stand up.  She makes me hard.  She wanted to hang out after work, but I had to drive home and get some chicken.  I told her why not tomorrow, but she was interested today.  Now it's too late, I have plans for tomorrow night with my buddy.  We ended our little talk with a hug.  I'd like a lot more from her.

Krishna, TheGirl's former friend, asked me for my camera yesterday.  Stupid camera died because I didn't charge it.  Krishna took maybe a half dozen pictures of her house, because she wants to put it up for sale.  She wanted to return my camera to me after work.  She was working some thing at the local school.  I walked around with her for a bit.  Watched her put on her face.  I always wonder about the falling out of her and TheGirl.  To hear TheGirl tell the story, Krishna just stopped talking to her one day.  Sounds like a familiar story.  Krishna, for her part, makes it sounds like she misses hanging out with TheGirl, but she never does anything to remedy the problem.  I wonder about that one sometimes.  Knowing my history I often wonder if she's bucking to have an affair.  I certainly wouldn't mind that.

After I got home I watched a little TV.  I went on FB and found a picture posted by Shay of her and TheDesire and a couple of other coworkers at the Dodger game tonight.  One of my coworkers asked me if I was going.  Actually, a pair of coworkers asked.  One is the one in the picture, but the other was one in circulation.  He figured that since TheDesire was going that I would naturally go.  He sees right through me.  TheDesire looks so pretty in that picture.  She's all I want.

Sat, May 16, Today was my day off.  It's too bad that my aunt can't appreciate me just wanting to do NOTHING all day today.  I'm not entirely sure what I'll do when I have to work on Saturdays, but have Fridays off.  I won't want to be here at home on a Friday.  What with my cousin's brats and my aunt here.  ARGH!  Still, I did get to chill for the most part.  Wish my aunt would just leave me alone and not ask me every hour if I wanted to eat.  Hey, I'm nearly 45 years old now.  I think I can make myself something to eat at this point.  Don't worry aunt, I'll eat when I'm hungry.  Whatever!  My buddy was going to come over tonight to get some food and drink some booze.

My buddy and I went to Stout burger, in Studio City.  We went there about two years ago, and it was good.  We always wonder how come we don't go more often, since it's a damn good burger.  My burger tonight was near perfect.  Just the right size as well.  The onion rings were good.  We really should come here more often.  The waitress we still talk about to this day wasn't there tonight.  Of course wait staff don't always stick around a place for long.  She was pretty, and she may still work there.  But it's also very possible that she works somewhere else, or is married and knocked up now.  Alas, it was but a fleeting moment when we saw her and experienced her beauty.

Booze was good.  I drank a lot more than my buddy tonight.  He was content to drink his one beer.  I drank what must have been four or five shots of whiskey.  I felt good.  We watched "Daredevil" on Netflix, and talked about our fool coworkers.

Sun, May 17, Work was pretty chill today, which is a good thing.  This morning I felt a tickle in my throat, and I wondered if I was coming down with something.  I felt something similar last week, and I chalked it up to drinking the previous night.  I thought this was the same when I got up this morning, but by the time we were leaving work I felt that this wasn't just from drinking.  I was getting sick.  Thankfully there were few patrons today.

My former coworker, Stash, came by work today.  He wanted to hang out with T.  T joked that they were going out for some coffee, but that I wasn't invited.  T had a rough morning trying to get someone to cover the desk.  When I worked on Sundays I was one of two clerks, and we handled it.  Now there are three clerks and they don't do half the work I did with my partners on Sunday.  I pretty much carried whoever worked with me, let's be honest.  Because she was scrambling she had a rough start to her work day, so she said she needed a drink after work.  She told Stash that she would rather go get some drinks after work.  I was still not invited.  But then the invite was made, and the three of us went to a local bar.  The service there was lousy, and I could feel that I was getting sicker by the moment.  On top of the cold I was also suffering from the fact that I had to lay a huge fart.  But I couldn't because I also had to take a dump.  I was going to at work, but then I figured I would just go home.  Once at the bar I finally was able to just take the dump and release so much gas.  It made me feel so much better.  But then the cold really hit me.  Couple that with the slow service and we ended up being at the bar for three hours.

I got home and pretty much crashed.  At the bar I ordered a gimlet tonight.  I got the idea from the book I'm reading, Chandler's The Long Good-bye.  The drink was good.  I would have appreciated it more if I wasn't feeling sick.  It has now made my list of good booze to drink.

Mon, May 18, I didn't feel well last night, and that continued this morning.  But, knowing that I wouldn't get a moment of rest here at home I went to work anyway.  I figured that if I felt sick enough when I got there I would just sleep in my car and go to my second job.  I went, and sure enough, I didn't feel well.  I bought some meds, but they hadn't kicked in yet.  I put the flag up in San Marino and just went to my second job.  I parked in the garage and slept.  It was the sleep I knew I wouldn't get at home.  How sad is it that I can't rest at home.  One, because of the kids.  But two, because I know my aunt will nag me all day.  How sad that even on a day that I'm sick I still have to go to work in order to get well?  Fucking bullshit!  Still, the rest did me some good.  When I was hungry I drove to get some food, filled my belly and returned to the parking garage.  Even after lunch I still had nearly 3 hours before work.  The second rest did me some good as well, though I didn't sleep.  At least I don't think I did.  I might have dozed off for a little bit, but not long.

Rested, I went into work and faced dealing with patrons.  We are getting a new system and the transition period must be a couple of days, because today and tomorrow we'll be checking out using the back-up system.  Come Wednesday we'll be back live.  Tonight, just checking out, no checking in of books.  No fines either.  Seemed easy enough, but there were a lot of other little things that I had to adjust to.  Mainly little things like dealing with lost cards, or people not bringing their cards today.  I worked around them.  I somehow survived all that, even as I fought this cold.  What a week for me not to have a day off.  I won't have a day off until next Saturday.  I best be 100% by Thursday.  That's the big TheDesire day!  Oh, I'll be well come hell or high water.

Tue, May 19, Day two working with the back-up system at Glendale was fine.  Especially since I was only on the desk for an hour tonight.  I was on the phones, and checking in books.  This, despite the fact that there was no way for me to check in books tonight.  I was fine with that.  Yesterday was brutal.  Four hours on the desk is way too much.  Tonight, chill.

I heard from a coworker that they're going to hire a new person on circulation.  I can't be sure this is accurate information, but my source usually knows stuff.  He hears stuff.  I'm wondering if I should go for it.  If it's full-time I'm fucking going for it.  I'm not sure that doubling down on Glendale is the best move, but I have to think about the money I might make.  I love San Marino, but that place is quickly going downhill as well.  What I really need is to find a full-time job somewhere else entirely.  These two jobs have taken nearly a decade of my life.  They started hard, and about two years ago they began to get progressively better.  But now, having reached a zenith, they are both in decline.  I've been there too long.

Wed, May 20, Wednesdays at San Marino had become nice after a few weeks of having to deal with hectic passport services.  But since one of my coworkers left, and the other changed her schedule, I'm left alone with two clerks that don't know how to do a passport.  What's worse is that I'm supposed to be on the reference desk, but I ended up being on the passport desk until 3:20 because I'm dealing with passport bullshit.  It's NOT MY JOB!  The clerks are supposed to do that.  But one doesn't do passports, and the other pretends she doesn't know how to do them.  Fucking bullshit!  After that I refused to do any work.  I sat at the reference desk and did nothing.  I have an assignment for Monday, but fuck that!  It will get done Saturday.  Not a minute earlier.

I was so ready for some booze tonight with dinner.  As soon as I got to TheGirl's I started drinking, and getting things ready.  It was my pleasure.  I was chatting with my buddy about his route today.  The big start of the new checkout system was happening today at Glendale, and thankfully I missed it.  From what I hear the power went out just before they were going to open. Then the new system crashed, and was slow.  Finally things got up to speed.  Whatever!  I wasn't there.  Dinner with TheGirl was cool, as always.  A few months ago I remember writing that I wondered how much longer this engagement would last.  But, after that rocky period it seems that we've settled into a nice little rut again.  The both of us need that day, and that time together.  I know I do.  TheGirl told me she went out with some guy.  Of course, that other guy from a few weeks ago came and went.  This new guy will do the same.  TheGirl wants what we had, but she wants it too late.  I was ready for it three years ago, she's ready now.  While sitting around watching TV and playing with her dog I heard a funny ping coming from a distance.  TheGirl said it was the ice cream man.  The ice cream man?!  We ran to the next street to find him.  TheGirl brought her dog, I brought Chan.  It was a nice little adventure that capped off the night.  When the truck drove away it turned West, answering the question we had when we were deciding if we should go out and seek the truck or hope that it drove by TheGirl's place.  The truck was not going to go down our street, but we still got our ice cream!

TheDesire and I were going to hang out tomorrow night, but she told me that something suddenly came up, and that we would have to reschedule for next week.  She mentioned either Thursday, Friday.  I told her I could do it Friday or Saturday.  She then responded that Saturday was her brother's birthday.  Her dead brother's birthday.  So yeah, that day is off limits.  Hence, it will be next Friday that we go.  The last day for the exhibit is next Sunday.  I talked to my buddy about finding a place to have dinner with her.  I talked about how I was looking forward to this.  I was having dreams that I kissed her during this.  Alas, this will all have to wait a week.

Thu, May 21, The route today was actually very much like any other route.  I didn't have too many books going out, but plenty coming back in to Central.  During my first two stops I was able to help myself, and a few coworkers, figure out our new system.  I might have figured out that I don't need to login to work the machine.  If that's the case, I won't login.  If I could somehow also fake some credentials that would be great as well.  That bridge when I come to it.  For now I'll have to wait for tomorrow to text my login theory.  Snow was dismissive of me today, granting me a halfhearted "Hey" when I came in the door.  I'm glad she wasn't interested in me.  It's pretty much sealed the idea that I need not pursue any woman ever again.  Romantic love has been my biggest failures in my life.  I don't know why stupid me still continues to have this romantic notion that I'll find someone.  At my age, and the prospects that I have I'm pretty sure that any effort will not end well.  I'm compelled to try, but what I should do is dial it down even more.  Dial it down until it's nonexistent.  It will probably never get to that level, but what I do want to reach is a level where I don't expect there to be something.  Where I expect the opposite.

Well, I didn't expect to go that way in this post.  It's just that my buddy and I were talking about Snow, and how she turned cold when I suggested dinner.  I'm obviously some hideous man that deserves to die alone in a gutter somewhere.  But she's not the only one that has had this reaction, so there must be something to her reaction.  It must be true that I'm undatable.  That I have nothing to offer a woman.  Have to say, these women ain't wrong.  What DO I have to offer a woman?  I guess nothing.  Honestly, they have gone to the point that they don't have anything to offer me, aside from their bodies.  I find now that we have nothing in common.  I really have to make this stick this time.  And by stick I mean that I have to do what I successfully did with Snow, and that's not have a crush on someone.  I didn't really ever have a crush on Snow.  I have a crush on TheDesire, that's for sure.  But Snow was perhaps just a distraction.  A pretty girl I wanted to get to know better.  Now that I have, it's best to just walk away.

The rest of the route was chill.  I came home after having supper with my coworker Misa.  I should have stayed out a little later, because when I got home my aunt was asking me questions again.  I was nearly passing out when I got home, and yet when I get home my aunt thinks it's an episode of Jeopardy.  I grow so tired of her never-ending questions.

Fri, May 22, The route today was pretty standard.  But some things did happen today.  One, the new system promises a lot, but time will tell if it delivers.  One thing that we now have to do is login individually.  I think it's to keep us honest, but I don't like it.  I planned on going on the system today while I was up at one of the branches and testing out a theory that I actually don't have to login in order to use all the functions.  My initial investigation shows that it looks like it is possible to access many of the functions without actually having to do the second, individual, login.  This is good, because I don't want dummies to know what I'm doing.  I'm always going to find a way to do the right thing by my job, but I don't like dummies looking over my shoulder questioning my moves when they are always inappropriate.  I need more time to find out other things about this new system, but theoretically it looks like I don't have to login.  What I want to find out eventually has to do with a universal login, where I can have all the functions, but no way of tracking what I'm doing.

I saw Snow on the route twice today.  Yesterday on the route she said hi to me from afar in a meh kind of manner.  OK, I thought, play it that way.  You can obviously read what I said to that point in my last entry.  Today she was back to begin nice.  She offered me ice cream, which made me want to bring up my invitation to ice cream a few weeks ago.  But, I didn't.  I honestly don't want to put that much of an effort into these women any more.  Wait, I already said this in my last entry.  Forgive me for repeating myself.  Still, there was a moment that stupid softy me thought about trying again with this woman.  She did look really nice today.  She always looks nice, she's a pretty girl.  She mentioned how she gained wait, but I like it.  Her butt looked really nice, and so did her thighs today.  THAT's that makes me crazy, her thighs.  That's what melts my resolve and makes me want to try again with her and with TheDesire.  Both have great thighs.

Speaking of TheDesire, I had to make a hand delivery to her today.  I couldn't stay long at her desk to talk, mainly because I had to finish up my work.  She looked cute in her jeans and pink top today.  As I write this I wonder if that pink top is the same one that she bought when we went to see the Stevie Nicks exhibit in WeHo.  Hmm, sure does look familiar.  Sickest thing about all this is that every time I see her I want her in my life more.  I have to break myself from that thought, because it's not going to happen.  TheDesire gave me the once over, aka looked me up and down today, as I stood in front of her at her desk.  I want to think it means something, but I'm sure it doesn't.  Just wishful thinking on my part.

I'm kinda glad that I have to work this entire holiday weekend.  I don't like my aunt bothering me on my free time, so the solution is to get out of the house.  Might as well make a few bucks.  When I got home today she just yaps and yaps.  I get it, she doesn't have anyone to vent to all day.  But still, she should understand I come home tired.  I almost always pass out when I come home on Fridays.  But, is she sympathetic?  No.

Sat, May 23, I don't usually work on Saturdays, but I was glad not to be home today.  Just as I was ready to leave my aunt comes in my room and asks me to cut her hair.  Tells me, "Can you cut my hair when you're free?"  I said yes, knowing that I'm not free and I'm leaving.  So I left.  When I got home she thanked me sarcastically.  I told her I didn't just go out, I had work.  She "forgave me."  Fucking bullshit!  I'm sick of this petty bullshit.  I need to find a way to not feel so angry when she asks me for things.  She cooks and cleans for me, but all I give her is grief.  Then again, I feel that she's giving me grief, because all I want to do on my day off is rest.  I don't even want to go out and do things any more.  I just want to rest.  Yet, I never just get a day of rest in this house when she's here.  All I get is questions and request.  I'm tired of all the questions I have to answer at work.  When I get home I just want to chill.  Thankfully work didn't involve many questions.  Actually, I don't even remember actually answering any questions at the reference desk for the short time I was on the reference desk.

The program today, which I had to caretaker, involved sharks.  It was pretty neat, but this was the first time that I've ever had to do one of these things.  It thankfully went off without a hitch.  As you can see from the picture above, they had a life-sized shark to show everyone.  I thought the show was pretty cool.  Also, it kept me off the desk.

On a completely different subject, the girl above.  She's pretty.  I have followed her online for I don't know, at least five years.  We used to be on the same photo sharing site.  One day about a year ago I checked her screen name online and sure enough found her on another photo sharing site.  So, I still follow her to this day.  She's pretty.  As a matter of fact, best I can make it, she's a professional model.  It's funny that I know anything about this girl, seeing as we have never met, and will probably never meet.  Such is life.

Sun, May 24, Work was slow.  Nothing happened today.  Came home, ate half a sandwich and a salad.  Then I went online and did some writing.  That is all.  TheGirl went to Solvang today.  Wonder why I still care if it went alone or not.

Mon, May 25, Today was my day off, kinda.  I still had to go into the library and pick up the full bookdrop.  Why they can't just do it tomorrow I'll never know.  It's fucking bullshit.  But, whatever, it gave me an excuse to leave the house and to hang out with my buddy.

I hung out with my buddy Dane.  I told him I wanted to see Age of Ultron, and that we should go.  It was cool.  The movie wasn't as good as the last Avengers, but it was good.  Lots of action, but ultimately Dane said it best, it didn't have heart.  Still, the Hulk buster suit scene was pretty cool and funny.  Still, it didn't make up for the fact that the villain wasn't all that great, or engaging.  Whatever, it's all good.  I hung out with a friend.

Before the movie started Dane wanted to walked around Hollywood.  I wanted to drink.  So we went for the walk and then had a drink.  He hadn't been to Hollywood in a long time.  He can't really travel that much around town.  He doesn't have the money to do it.  He can walk, but he carries all his stuff with him, so people would automatically wonder what the fuck he was doing there.  We walked around, saw the sites, and took this chance to do some photography.  But I was tired, and the movie was going to start soon.

We returned to the theater, had a drink and talked.  I ordered some food, another drink for me, and then bought a huge bucket of popcorn.  Like I said before, the movie was OK.  It was nice to get out, see a movie, and just hang out with a good friend.

Tue, May 26, The first time using the new system at the library and I was rocked.  In twenty minutes everything that could go wrong on my end went wrong.  It fucking sucked.  Thankfully after that I was able to get my bearings and work the damn machine.  In the first twenty minutes I had to deal with a guy who didn't have his card.  Then wanted to get his son a card.  But his son already had a card.  And then I had to edit the old entry because of new information.  That fucking sucked.  I didn't enter all the right information until nearly 7:30.  The patrons were coming at me fast.  I was drowning, but then like I said I got my sea legs and I did good.  Not great, but at least nothing crazy happened.  The new system has been in use since last Wednesday, but this the first time I had to deal with it in a real world scenario.  Everyone is complaining about it.  I'm glad I'm not the only one in the choir complaining.

Wed, May 27, Today was my last class of this iPad thing, for now.  I still have the desktop class, and then the other iPad class.  After July 29th, I'm free from this stuff.  One of my students told me that she heard someone say that last week's class was the last.  This is probably why I had four people in class today.  I would have loved it if no one showed up.  The woman from the foundation was all touchy feely today.  Not going to say that she's a spring chicken, but man do I want to sleep with her.  She has a kicking little body, and I don't know.. she just seems like she would be a good time.  I think I might be able to get to her house and make a move.  Not that I ever really make a move, but maybe set it up for her to make a move.

I've been waiting for weeks to book my hotel for Carmel for my next Big Sur trip.  I wondered if I could book Deetjen's and then go up to Carmel on Friday and stay there.  But the hassle of all that made me rethink staying at Deetjen's.  Also, I wanted to book something as soon as possible to lock my in.  Booking this doesn't mean I can't change my plans.  It just means I have a place to stay when I go up there for sure.  I still have time to book another room, and modify this booking.  With this reservation this next Big Sur trip just got real.

Dinner was good with TheGirl.  We had a good time wolfing down some Mediterranean food.  We're going to Disneyland this weekend, and I was asking here where she wanted to go and eat.  It's a given that we're going to drink.  It turns out that this Sunday it's going to be warm as well.  Dang.  I wanted to avoid the sun, but I guess the nice weather we had last week has now turned warm.

I contacted MontereyGirl via FB.  Not sure why.  I guess I felt it was time.  We exchanged phone numbers, and she told me to call her whenever I could.  She wanted to talk tonight, but I was busy tonight with dinner and then calling my buddy about work stuff.  Soon enough we'll catch up.

Thu, May 28, The route today wasn't so hard, but I was up late talking to my buddy that I went to bed way late, and I was suffering today because of that.  I took a nap late into my route.  And then when I finished the route I was given the task of moving forty heavy boxes from the dock area to circulation.  My arms were so weary after the task.  I then had to go to job two!  Thankfully tonight job two was even more slow than usual.  I was able to complete my assignment and even write this entry.  Not that there's much to say today.  Saw TheDesire this morning at a thing they were having to kick off the Summer reading program.  She looked so cute.  If lucky old me ever got a chance to love that girl I'd sure try to do it right.  Fuck!

Fri, May 29, The route was fine, but then I had to also work a couple of hours after my route.  This was fine since I had to wait for TheDesire in order to go to this thing downtown with her.  It was all I've been looking forward to all week.  TheDesire told me about a public art exhibit that was also related to her people's genocide.  She went, but wanted to take me to photograph it.  I just love spending time with her, so I quickly said that I would go with her.  She even said that we should have dinner downtown, and that I should pick a spot.  I don't know downtown like I used to, and really the only nice place I know of down there is a place I went to dinner a couple of times with TheGirl.  The food there was really good.  That was my first choice, but I also like to have a back-up, but I didn't have time to do that on this occasion.  I knew my first choice would be good.

So bolt down to downtown, which isn't very far from Glendale.  I was able to avoid being seen by my coworkers.  I know they like to talk.  Once downtown we arrived and parked at the music center, which is right below the park where the exhibit is.  TheDesire tells me that this seems anticlimactic, since she's already come up here to view the faces.  She is more interested in dinner.  So we stop and get her some coffee, because she has a slight headache.  She ordered an iced coffee with some sort of caramel sauce in it.  She gets the drink and decided to flip it, to mix the caramel, I suspect.  She then spills some on the counter and gets a dirty look from the barista.  It was priceless.  And this is why I love this woman.  She's a goof, and yet she's smart, and sexy, and smart.  And she is damaged.

We arrive at the restaurant after a short walk.  They seat us almost immediately at a nice intimate table for two.  The place was as nice as I remember.  The night was just right.  We talked about so many little things, and about stupid work.  It's all I can do to not kiss this girl with all the passion I can muster.  I can't help but think how much I love her.  How much that fact is the product of my own doing.  TheDesire looked at the menu and ordered so much food.  But it hit the spot.

TheDesire ordered so much food.  I would have been good with just the appetizers, but I still had a main course.  It was good, but I think I should have stuck to the lasagna.  We talked, talked some more, and when we were done we walked back to the car and drove back to Glendale.  Her mother wanted her home earlier, and didn't like it when TheDesire told her she would be out a little later than usual.  See, tomorrow is her dead brother's birthday.  I wanted to talk to her about him, finally.  I've never asked her directly about him.  I've heard others tell me that she mentions him all the time.  I think if she ever talked to me about him that's the moment I would know that I won her heart over.  Tonight was amazing.  The only thing missing was the kiss good night.  I'm still absolutely in love with TheDesire.  Even more than ever.

Sat, May 30, Talia had been talking about coming over for a visit for a long time.  I finally thought that today might be a good day for that.  So I told her that we should hang out today.  She agreed, and even said she would come here to my house.  She wanted to go to her Bel Air home, but she's locked out of it.  Her brother doesn't want her to return to that house.  She is insisting.  Her plan was go go to that house today.  But all that fell through because the key she has isn't the house key, and she thinks that her brother installed cameras and a security system.  All that was whatever to me.  I wanted to see if she wanted to get laid.  Well, the second she arrived I remembered why I didn't want to have sex with her the last time.  She bloated, like you can see in the picture above.  She's a mess.  Not all of her own doing.  She does suffer from a condition.  That has turned her from a pretty girl to this big bloated mess.  But she's always been crazy, that's for sure.  Today her whole thing about going to her house bored me.

I played with her boobs a little, but then when I saw how fat she was I knew that there was no way I could sleep with her.  I'm no skinny bastard, but she's just too much.  She didn't even want to fuck.  The last time I visited her was months ago, and I told myself not to get into this situation again.  That night she said we should sleep together, but just everything made it so unappealing.  I do need to get laid, but not at this price.  I keep forgetting that with Talia.  But I must not forget.  Talia only visited me for a couple of hours.  Which was enough.  She could tell I wasn't interested, and mentioned that she was leaving.  I didn't protest.

Sun, May 31, Disneyland!  Today TheGirl and I went to Disneyland!  I don't like that TheGirl doesn't ever want to get an early jump on days we go to Disneyland.  Because she has her dog around she always wants to come back early.  But then we start off so late that we only end up having a few hours at the park.  Which is fine by me, but today we barely got on a couple of rides before we became hungry and first had a drink and then had lunch.

We did something different today by eating at the Big Thunder BBQ.  It's all you can eat ribs and chicken.  Now that TheGirl can eat chicken we went there.  It was a lot of good food.  I wish I had a bigger appetite, but I did pack in quite a bit of food.  After lunch I felt like sleeping, but I told TheGirl to not go to sleep would be to go over to Tom Sawyer's island, now called the Pirate's Lair, and work off our lunch.  It worked, I didn't feel like falling asleep after eating, and that hasn't happened in a long time.  We are always on a shorted schedule these days on these Disneyland trips, because she has her dog to run back to back home.  Oh well.  I kinda wish I could bring TheDesire here with me once.  At least once.  Still, coming here with TheGirl is familiar, and still a lot of fun.  Lunch was a pleasant surprise.  I only wish TheGirl would want to come here at nearly when the park opens.  It would mean fewer people, and also long amount of time before we would have to rush back to her place.  Oh well.

One cool thing we also got to do today was go on the Haunted Mansion.  They have the new/old so-called hat box ghost.  It was part of the original Haunted Mansion, but the special effect wasn't very good, so I hear, and they took the feature out of the attraction.  But now, all these years later, they have returned the hat box ghost to the mansion.  Looks pretty cool.  I do love that the park continues to take shape.  It is said that Walt Disney said the park would never be completed.  I like that, because for as many times as I've gone to Disneyland I still don't tire of it.  I still love the place.  I still like going, and wish to go more often.  And of course I wish to go with TheDesire and Snow.  Today capped off a great month.