It's 2015, but you know how this newsletter works.  Here's what happened this past month, December 2014.  Happy New Year.. let's look back at the last month of a great year.

Mon Dec 1, Both jobs were chill today.  I mostly talked to my pseudo supervisor today, about stuff.  That killed nearly the entire shift, then going and giving my coworker a break killed the rest of my shift.  I ate some food, and went on my merry way to job two, Glendale.  Which of course, is the usual den of iniquity.  But, because MicroManager wasn't working today, it was actually a little more bearable.  Still, doesn't mean the place is kosher.  There were a ton of books to check in, since the library was closed since Thursday.  Was I going to give 100% to check them all in?  Nope.  I'll leave that to dummies.  Tomorrow MicroManager returns, so she'll get those other dopes to work hard.  I'll waltz in and work upstairs.  I already saw the schedule for tomorrow, and half the time I'll be working I'll be on the upstairs desk.  Always, good times.

Tue Dec 2, I was on the reference desk this morning, covering for my coworker.  Her father passed away before Thanksgiving.  Having my Dad die ON Thanksgiving, I know all about lousy timing.  Still, the shift was pretty chill after initial craziness.  There was the proctored exam, as well as a print job that wasn't formatted correctly.  Oh, and then the phone didn't stop ringing.  On top of all that the girl, that likes talking to me, came in and started to talk to patrons as if she worked here.  WTF?  She actually did help me out a little.  She seems clingy, but I thought she was gay.  That's what it looks like on her FB.  I suppose she might go both ways, who knows.

There are winds of change in the future at my Glendale job.  My buddy and I talked about some possibilities of me taking over Friday's route as well as Tuesdays.  MicroManger has already laid the foundation for this.  She knows something, and it keeping it close to the vest.  Time will tell.

Above is TheDesire and another one of my coworkers, Ru, as my buddy and I have come to nickname her.  Vagabundo likes Ru.  She is quite a girl.  Her body is so tiny, but so fucking nice.  She has a fucking awesome ass.  I mean near perfect.  I once saw her wear this tight shirt and her boobs looked so nice for a girl with such a tiny frame.  She's also just cute.  Anyway, I can see why my buddy likes her.  TheDesire.. well, in my eyes she's just wonderful.  They posed these two, probably the prettiest girls at the library, to promote the sales of book bags.  They use the same two girls every year.  TheDesire is just nice.

Wed Dec 3, t rained pretty much the entire day today.  I liked it though.  I went to be so late last night, because I was jerking off.  It felt real good, so I kept jerking off.  I kept myself from cuming.  After an hour I finally came.  Fuck, it was so good.  When I looked at the clock it was nearly 2am.  When I went to work this morning I was dead tired, of course.  I don't have any official duties on Wednesday mornings.  Not until I start my computer class again in January.  Until then I don't really start until 2pm.  So when I arrived at work at 9am, feeling like a zombie, I decided not to go into work, but rather just sleep in my car.  I knew that my alarm would wake me before my 2pm shift, if I actually slept that long.  I didn't, but it was nice to just chill today.

TheGirl texted me shortly after I woke up to say that she wasn't feeling well and was going home.  I told her that perhaps we should raincheck our dinner.  She agreed.  I did tell her I would drop her off some NyQuil and she agreed.  I went over to her place after work, dropped off the meds, and talked to her for a little while.  She said she was on the mends, but still not 100% Definitely better for the rest.

Thu Dec 4, Today the route was pretty standard.  No rain, thankfully.  The big news came in the early evening when MicroManger told me that I was going to drive Fridays "permanently."  One of the other drivers had a meeting yesterday with someone.  Don't know who, but I suspect it was with our boss.  I don't know if he quit, or was fired.  Either way, he's gone.  My buddy and I talked about his last night, speculating that this driver would actually leave before the other driver would.  The other driver, let's call him Greg, is leaving in February.  That means my buddy and I will be driving every day.  MicroManger mentioned us taking over the days of the other drivers.  She knew this was coming.  She hoped.  Now it's really happening.

Delivering these damn instruments isn't easy.  It's heavy lifting, it's many pieces.

Fri Dec 5,The route today the same but also different.  I haven't done the route on a Friday in a LONG time.  Today is the first of many Friday routes.  MicroManager basically confirmed that the other driver is gone.  She said I'm now driving Fridays, permanently.  A slight change with big repercussions.  This is definitely going to change the hours I work.  Normally the driver on Friday leaves at 4pm from July to Dec, and 3pm from January to end of July.  So in three weeks I'll be ending my shift at 3pm on a Friday.  It isn't a big lose of hours since my hours were cut on Fridays anyway.  Now they're just shifted to the morning again.

And then.. the most wonderful thing this week.  Sarah McLachlan!  Since I got out early I was able to make my way to the valley with less worry.  My old school was holding a benefit for the radio station and they were able to get Sarah McLachlan!  I've been waiting SO many years to hear her sing live.  I made it to the place with plenty of time to spare.  I took my seat, and got ready.  The opening act was whatever.  Sarah was wonderful.  She still has the chops.  She didn't do a full concert, but she hit a good amount of the hits.  She sung the song Elsewhere, which this newsletter is named after.  She mentioned that she hadn't sung that song in concert in fifteen years.  I joked with friends that I can die now, I've seen Sarah in person.  I think I may have to pay some big bucks the next time she's in concert, in order to get a closer seat.  It was a damn good night.

I did miss the Montrose holiday party, which sucks, because all the pretty girls were there, Piney, Ru to name a couple of high interest.

Sat Dec 6, Today was a long day.  First I went to work at Pacific Park branch, to help with the computer class in Spanish.  It's a waste of time, but not for me.  I get paid.  I get paid to stand around and do nearly nothing.  It's chill.  And it made me some easy money.  After the computer class I got some food, took a nap, and then started my second assignment at Brand.  Brand was chill too.  I stood around, making sure people didn't come into the library portion of the building with food or beverages.  Super simple, super chill.  The only thing that got me was standing around all day.  My legs were tired by the end of the day.

My buddy came over after my stint at Brand to eat some tacos.  He doesn't want to be home these days, like me.  We ate, we went back to my place to chat.  We didn't drink, this time.  I was dead tired by the time he left.  I guess I didn't need booze.  We spoke about the changes coming down the line.  The fact that by February we will be the only two drivers doing this delivery thing.  We can't ever be sick, or miss a day for any other reason.  That super sucks.  That means no trips, not that I have the bread right now.  Property taxes are coming up, and I have to save some cold hard cash for the next payment.  Also, since TheGirl can't leave on a trip, all my trips would be solo.  And that means I pay all expenses.  That limits me to where I can go, and how often, and where I can stay.  I'd like to go to SF again, but I'd have to carry the burden of paying for everything.  I'm making more money these days, but I'm also spending more.  Always with that catch 22.

Sun Dec 7, Nothing happened today at work.  I thought of going to Disneyland after work, but I was tired and decided not to go.  I might go Friday, when I get off earlier.

Since nothing happened I'll just talk about the party picture above.  My coworker, pictured on the far right, sitting down, sent me this picture.  It's so nice to see TheDesire.  It does suck that I missed the party, but Sarah was 100X much more important than this party.  Still, if it had been any night this party would have made my month.  I'm reading "So we read on" about the book The Great Gatsby.  The author of the book mentions how it's not the green light that is important, it's Gatsby reaching for it that is the symbol of the book.  The idea that one reaches for a dream, however unlikely, without rest.  It's like my hope to win TheDesire over.

Mon Dec 8, I arrived to work late because of some truck fire on the 134.  No worries, I shifted the time on my timecard.  My pseudo supervisor didn't show, so I was left to my own devices.  My coworker asked me to go get coffee for her, and I did.  I had some work to do, but I also didn't want to do it.  I was tired.  I slept funny last night, waking up a couple of times in the night.  I drank way too much last night and I paid for it during the night by having a restless night.  Because of my restless night I nearly passed out while I was on my desk.  I woke myself up just in time to give my coworker her break.

My buddy had a bad day on the route today, punctuated by the an accident that he had with the van.  He scraped the side of the van so bad that it was impossible to open the side door.  As you can see from the photo above he really took a chunk out of the side of the van.  I told him that they wouldn't beat him up, not even MicroManager.  Thankfully I was right, they didn't beat him up about this.  He beat himself up more than anyone.  I did the same thing when I hit that car with the van.  My buddy felt like he would vomit.  Quite understandable.

Wed Dec 10, Every year the city feeds us in appreciation of our work.  Then they feed us again for the holidays.  Today was the holiday luncheon.  I ate as much as I could.  Hey, I work hard, I deserve a nice meal.  The luncheon itself was uneventful.  It went long, and I had to jet before the thing officially ended.  It's nice to see some of the ladies that work for the city.  There are two that are nice, that I don't get to see that often because they work at the recreation department.  One has put on a few pounds, but still looks nice.  I liked her butt before, but now it's a little nicer.  Her boobs are bigger too.  I know 100% that she isn't interested in me asking her out.  She's never shown any sign of being amenable to the idea.  The other one slimmed down and looked way different.  She's still cute, but she wasn't as attractive as I remember her.  I worked my shift afterward.  No big surprises.

Then it was dinner with TheGirl.  Last week she was sick, I took her some nyquil before going home.  She bought me dinner tonight in gratitude.  We went to the Dog Haus.  I've been to a couple of them out in Pasadena.  TheGirl wanted to try them.  I had something called the Pig Lebowski.  I didn't like the movie, but the hot dog was tasty.  TheGirl reminded me that today was the forth anniversary of her father's death.  She still misses him.  Of course she does.  I still miss my Mother and Grandmother.  It's difficult with my Mother, since she's been gone for so long now.  More than a lifetime ago.  My Grandmother has been gone nearly seven years.  Seven years in January.  My mother will be gone eighteen years in March.  I try not to think of them being gone, or I'll start to miss them all over again.  Back to TheGirl's statement though.  Four years ago we had been caught, so to speak, and TheGirl had left her husband.  We had planned on going on a formal date that night when on her way to my place she got the news.  She wasn't going to tell me, because she felt it would ruin our date.  Obviously we didn't go out that night.  Everything clustered back then.  Her leaving her husband, our officially first date, and her Father's passing.  She mentioned tonight that her friend and coworker from the library hadn't contacted her in weeks.  I told her that she should make one more try.  If she doesn't get any response, then that's her answer.  TheGirl thought that fair and agreed to email her and wait a little time before reserving judgement.  It's hard to believe our trajectory in four short years.  We went from the break-up of her marriage, multiple break-ups, and finally our friendship.  Nothing lasts forever.

Thu Dec 11, The running joke now with the guy that works at the Pasadena library is that the dock area can never be cleared for me to drop off my books full of bins.  Every week I show up and I have to deal with another vehicle parked where I should be parked.  It makes it more difficult to park, unload the book bins, and generally pisses me off.  Thankfully there wasn't that many bins to deal with today.  I'm driving around in a replacement van, because the other one is in the body shop.  Aside from having to deal with a replacement van the route was actually quite chill.  I was ahead of schedule the entire day.  I cruised into central on time, as usual.  There's a storm coming.  The weather liars say that it's going to hit hardest tonight.  The dark clouds in the distance would foretell that.  I went to job two.  Nothing much to report.

Wait!  I did bring TheDesire the prints she ordered from me.  I so like her.  I like her so much I can feel her lips on mine.  It's all I want is a kiss and a chance.  A chance to show her that I'm the best mate for her.  A friend of mine told me that perhaps photography could be a way to her heart.  It's possible, that's for sure.  I long to kiss her.  I wish I had a chance with her.

The thing I had to deal with more was the idiot drivers that were all over me today.  The photo above is an example of the idiocy of the drivers in town.  The two cars in front of me are in the middle of the intersection waiting for the light to change.  Ah, you're already 95% across, why stop there?  Fucking idiots!  A guy later on was following closely behind me.  I was going to turn left at the intersection, but this guy couldn't wait.  He sped right by me, on my left, and cut me off.  I got a little mad, but really what can I do.  If the story about the previous driver are true, getting into a road rage situation isn't going to do anything positive.  It's more likely going to get me fired.

I got off work at 4pm, which is two hours earlier than normal.  After the new year I'll get off at 3pm!  I'll be home before every one of my coworkers!  Woo!  It was nice to arrive home before 10pm, for once.  I passed out in my chair, and it wasn't even 8pm.  TheDesire texted me a picture of a Calla Lily photo a few minutes ago.  A friend of mine thinks that the way to win her over is through my photography.  I think she might be right.  As I said yesterday, I took her her prints.  When she saw me by the reference desk she said "hey," in a nice tone.  I don't know, it's hard to explain a tone that I think meant something akin to howdy sailor.  OK, maybe 50% howdy sailor.  I am probably reading too much into a small chance of inflection in her voice, because I want it to be true.  I like TheDesire.

TheDesire and I had a text exchange that ended a few minutes ago.  The strangeness in a particular statement by her, "Art is something that you never give up.  It's not like life or relations where giving up is unfortunately essential."  Ouch!

She seems really interested in knowing what people think about her at the library.  Probably in general as well.  She claims not to care, but she asks this question a lot for someone who doesn't care.  I appreciate that she likes my photography.  I think I already mentioned this, but someone told me that my photography MIGHT be the way I win her over.  Time will tell.  And then drunk me opened the flood gates and spilled as much truth as I could say.

There.. I told her she's beautiful.  "Everyone always mentions to me how pretty you are - honestly, they tell me as if I didn't know - like I was some blind man" Her response to my long honest text is apropos, I figure.  What could she say to my statement but, "You're funny?"  Nothing.

Sat Dec 13, I arrived early for work today.  I sat at the desk that I've sat at for nearly the last year and decided that THIS is now my desk.  I've sat here as if I was a visitor, but now it's mine.  I'm claiming it as mine.  I went ahead and cleaned out the stuff that was from the previous guy.  Stash is a good guy, but he's been gone for a year, and it's time to make this desk my desk.  Above you can see the result... a nice clean desk.  And it's mine.

Speaking of desks, today I worked the children's desk.  I've worked it about three other times, and each time on a Saturday.  And each time it's been a huge bore.  Because of where the desk is, the patrons can't see me.  And if I sit really still, the lights above the desk will turn off, and then I'll really be stealthy.  I had things to do, but as soon as I start working on something someone will come up and ask me a question.  The catch 22 is that if I do something I'll be interrupted.  If I don't do anything, anticipating the interruption, then no one will bother me.  So I end up wasting my time.  Then there was a children's problem where Santa visited.  That drew the few kids that were in the kid's area out towards the community room, leaving the children's area nearly empty.

After work we had our holiday party.  It was nice.  People brought some good food and desserts.  We played silly games like guess the song name from the lyrics.  Then my boss turns to me and says, "We're going to get some drinks... why don't you come along?"  I didn't want to impose, and that's what I said.  No trouble at all, they said.  We ended up going downtown to a couple of bars.  So while the rest of my coworkers were still cleaning up, the boss, her fella and I were already speeding down the 110 towards downtown.  The first bar we went to was something called Mrs. Fish.  Pretty cool place.  Lots of girls in tight outfits.  After the one drink we then took the elevator up to the roof.  We arrived and then waited in line to go up to the roof to a place named Perch.  Once up there I found us a place to sit, and it was great.  The views of the city were awesome.  I mean just check it out.

It's a nice place to people watch.  I might have to go back there some time soon.  My tally for the night was, a Manhattan, a Sidecar, and a Lemon Drop.  I was feeling good by the end of the night.

Sun Dec 14, Work was work today.  The big thing was that T asked me how I was invited to drinks, but she wasn't.  I told her, "I'm special."  She thought it was rude of the boss to leave the party without really saying a world.  Like I said, I'm special.  I think that the boss' fella has taken a shine to me, since I'm an entertaining fellow.  Or the boss didn't want to pay for everyone's drinks.  Or some other reason I can't think of at the moment.

After work I wanted to get some Disneyland chili from the Coke Refreshment Corner.  They serve it in a bread bowl.  When I got into the car I felt tired, probably from all the drinking I did last night.  I still wanted to go to Disneyland, but as I approached the freeway I doubled back and told myself I would just eat home.  Part of it was the drive.  Part of it was my thought about having to battle the crowds.  Part of it was I was already tired.  So, I headed home.

I was sitting in my chair when I got a little thirsty.  I went to the fridge, drank the last of the Coke I had there and then went to look for a full bottle.  But I had finished them all.  I was REALLY craving a Coke.  So I decided to drive up to the market.  It was still open.  I changed my pants, got in the car and started it up.  As I was about to leave I noticed that same Volvo that parks by my house with the lights on.  He drove away moments after I opened the gate.  I made the decision to follow him.  I didn't directly follow him, but I knew where he was going, and I waited.  I saw that he stopped on a street by my old school.  I wanted to double back, but I was slow, and by the time I did double back he was gone.  I don't like this guy always parking his car out there.

Mon Dec 15, TheDesire texted me tonight about something whatever.  But then she asked me for some advice.  She asked me to answer why this one particular guy she's been talking to since September hasn't asked her out.  Of course the connotations of the question made me feel like I was stabbed in the heart.  She's been talking to someone?  For three months?  I tried to just be a friend, but it was hard.  I told her that perhaps he was like me, wanting to ask her out but afraid.  She's clueless to the fact that I like her.  She thinks that I shut off my feelings the moment she rejected me.  But if you have read this journal you know that I didn't shut them off.  They only became stronger.  But, I had no chance with her last year, and a year later I have even less of a chance.  I think I see a spark in her eyes.  But being that I'm not Armenian she's NEVER going to act upon those possible feelings.  Assuming I'm reading her correctly in the first place.  If I'm not, I'm still in the same position, dead in the water.  I wanted to drown myself in booze tonight.  But since I drank the last of it last night, I didn't have that option.  Which, in the long run, was a good thing.  Facing this sober made me just face it once and for all.  No matter what I do I will never have a chance with TheDesire.  Nothing!  There is nothing I can do to change my chances with her.  Nothing, ever, ever, EVER.  So, why continue to torture myself pining away for a girl that I don't have a chance with?  Because I like her?  Because I have some stupid notion that I can win her over somehow?  Reality kicked me in the teeth last night with her talk of wanting this guy to ask her out.  She doesn't even know if she likes him, but he's Armenian, and that's good enough.  That somehow makes him 1,000 times more qualified than me.  Well, the kick in the teeth hurt, and the message was loud and clear.  But you know what?  I'm also still standing.  I've taken some good punches from the Universe over the last couple of years, and now I can take a punch.  The kick in the teeth hurt, but I'm still standing.  I reflected for a moment and told myself that I wasn't going to continue this stupid endeavor of liking TheDesire.  In Gatsby there is a moment when Gatsby realizes that Daisy can never live up to his ideal.  I hoped that TheDesire would change from her original programing, as I have many times.  But, she didn't.  She's still a slave to the past.  In the last few years I've relied on logic to make it through this life, and because of that I'm in a good place in my life.  This is a slight set-back.  There are plenty of other women I can focus on.  For now, all I can say is i've taken a good punch from the Universe and I'm still here, still standing.

Tue Dec 16, I pretty much did nothing today at my morning job.  I spent nearly the entire time talking to my pseudo supervisor about something on the computer.  I like these kind of mornings.  But it all evens out.

I went to job 2, where my photos were still at TheDesire's desk.  After last night I can't let them linger there.  I didn't want an interaction with her today, so I hoped my timing was just right.  Sure enough, I went to her cubicle and found she wasn't there.  Whew!  I grabbed all four of my photos and bolted out of there and back to my car.  A little while later she sent me a text asking me when I had gone.  I told her around 2:30pm.  She was on the desk, I'm sure.  I saw the prints that she bought from me sitting there by my prints.  I wanted so much from this woman.  I wanted her to be my partner through this hellish journey of life.  I thought I had a chance to break down the ethnic barrier, but I was completely wrong.

It's time for a drink.  Good night!

Wed Dec 17, I fucking drank SO much last night.  I mean fucking TOO MUCH.  I passed out, naked, in my chair.  I was going to jerk off, but I had so much to drink last night that I just passed out.  But, before that the room was spinning and I was dry heaving.  It must have been a lot of that because my upper body feels a little achy today.  I also hardly got any sleep last night, any good sleep anyway.  But somehow I'm still standing.  I always say I won't drink this much ever again, but I've said it before and this time was the worst.

And then this morning I was running late for work because I slept through all my alarms.  I only woke up because my cousin's kids were playing in my room.  I jumped out of bed, showered super fast, and flew out the door.  My stomach was doing flip flops, but who can blame it?  The worst part of all that is that I had a staff meeting that I had to attend, and also I had to print some posters for an important lady.  Her husband gave a huge amount of money to the library to build the new building that now bears his last name.  $4 million from what I hear.  So when that family says they need someone to print out some stuff you better believe they'll have me working at any time of the day.  I wasn't feeling so horrible from my hangover when I printed out the posters.  I wanted to sleep though.  But, I had plans.

Yes, plans, and with a married woman!  The married woman I've been talking to for years, and that my coworkers clearly see is flirting with me.  But the other night she mentioned how I was her buddy.  Today she wanted to hear all about my thing with TheDesire.  I told her all about TheDesire talking to me about that guy that she wants to ask her out.  At lunch I could talk but I could not eat.  My stomach was still fucked up.  I wondered if I would have a similar problem with food tonight.  Married-Jenn (I'll come up with a better nickname) told me about how a lot of guys come on to her, married guys bored in their marriage.  I want to be the one that sleeps with her, but she's focused on another guy.  So, why does that sound familiar?  Ha!  She considers me a buddy, and didn't know I was flirting with her all this time.  Not that I come out and tell her that I want to sleep with her, never that.  But I've been overly friendly to her during these last few years that I've known her.  I'll add one thing, Married-Jenn sent me some pictures of porn stars.  She wants it, I'm sure of it.  But now I believe she doesn't want it from me.  I'm too good of a guy, and now she considers me a friend and confidant.

Following lunch I thankfully had more than an hour to nap.  I took a nap, that lasted about an hour.  It recharged my battery enough that I could work my shift, which was uneventful.

Then came dinner with TheGirl at the same place we ate last week.  She mentioned how she needed to cook in order to save money and to stay with her dog.  Dinner was good, especially since my stomach wasn't queazy any more.  Not that the food was super great, but it was nice just having dinner with TheGirl.  Ever since this whole TheDesire thing blew up in my face I appreciate my friendship with TheGirl.  I updated her on everything short of TheDesire news.  It all comes so easy with TheGirl, why can't I find someone that I'm as compatible with without TheGirl's flaws?

Thu Dec 18, After seemingly skipping a day, my entire upper body hurt today due to, I suspect, my dry heaving the other night.  I felt so fucking awful today while not the route.  I sometimes felt like I was not going to be able to catch my breath.  And it was doubly hard because I had to bring TheDesire's damn musical instruments back to home base.  They're having an event tomorrow, and they had to come back home.  Could wait no longer.  Of course this means having to be reminded of TheDesire.  I cursed those damn instruments today.  Because of their weight when I was feeling half dead and without energy to carry them.  And also because of their connection to her.  I don't want anything to do with them today.  My buddy told me about some cookies that the other driver, the now fired one, was given by one of the librarians at one of the branch libraries.  Well, today I saw them, sitting there on one of the circulation desks, still with the note attached.  When I came back from the route I noticed the bag and note had been tossed, and the cookies were left out for anyone to eat.  It's a good thing I didn't have to go to my other job tonight.  I don't think I could have survived it.

I worked myself like a dog today, so I felt I owed myself a good meal.  Also, feeling as bad as I did I didn't want to drive home in traffic.  I took myself out to Bob's Big Boy in Toluca Lake and treated myself to an open face turkey sandwich.  Something I wanted since Thanksgiving.  It hit the spot, but couple the pain in my chest with a now full belly and I was feeling horrible.  By the time I got home I was feeling better, but not great.  I got ready for bed early and was out like a light by 9:30pm.  No kidding.  I don't think I've slept that earlier in thirty years (except when I've been sick).  I don't think I'm getting sick, I think all that dry heaving caused all this pain.

Fri Dec 19, I slept like a rock last night, nearly all the way through the night.  But I still had a hard time getting going this morning, despite all the rest.  Thankfully the route today two was pretty chill, but it was a little hurried.  There weren't that many bins, but even a few bins fill the replacement van.  Then add some special delivery items, and that fills the little van up today.  But, I made the best of it.  I didn't expect to see TheDesire today, especially since I wasn't in the building.  But almost as if the Universe wanted to mock me a little TheDesire was a constant today.  First, after returning from my trip to Pasadena and city hall TheDesire was prancing around the front door.  She had a small pile of fliers in her hand, which she was taking to an area to the left of the front door that has fliers and stuff for patrons to take.  I've NEVER seen her go there and place fliers in that area.  But today, there she was.  Then I had to go upstairs, and of course she was now back at the reference desk.  She saw me on the catwalk area that leads to administration.  From there she whispered to me about the instruments, which I brought in from Brand yesterday.  But, there were still some instruments at Casa that needed to be brought in to home base.  ARGH!  Of course when I get to Casa the pile of instruments are by the books I'm to take back to Central.  Her name was ALL over the instruments.  Like I didn't know.  Then, after arriving at the end of the route at Central she was right there at the elevator as I got off it, while I was taking the instruments up to where they are stored.  She thanked me and told me she would talk to me later.  The Universe must have had a good chuckle at my expense today.  But my sentiments about all this mockery can be summed up by this tweet that I posted - "You know that moment when Hulk Hogan could feel no pain?  Yeah, that's me RIGHT NOW."  And I really did feel that way at that moment.  I'm not going to allow myself to miss TheDesire.  Only if I had actually been in a relationship with her should I be missing her.

The other thing I couldn't escape today was more people asking me where the other driver was.  Only two of the branches are open today, but those two asked me questions.  Someone on the route, the janitors I run into every week, asked me where the other driver was.  Finally, outside of the garage, one of the branch managers asked me if I knew what had happened to the other driver.  To all of them I answered the truth, that I didn't know.  And I really don't know.  Yes, the security guard told me that it was a case of road rage, but no one can confirm that yet.  I briefly touched upon the reason why the other driver was fired, but this is what I know.  Apparently he felt that he was wronged on the road and cut of another driver.  The other driver was a retired cop that complained to some people at the city he knows.  The rest follows that this was not to be tolerated and that the library director fired him.  Sounds plausible, but I don't know if it's true.  I'll know soon.  I have my sources.  For now I'm the Thursday and Friday driver, and soon the Tuesday driver as well. 

After work I ran into this one homeless woman that is kinda attractive.  You can tell she's had a rough time on the street, but at the same time she is still pretty.  She has the greenest eyes I've ever seen on anyone.  Even though she's homeless she keeps herself clean and doesn't smell, and she's still attractive.  I talked to her for about a half hour.  She told me about the guards, and specifically the Friday guard at the library, and how terrible he is to her.  My buddy Dane has said the same thing about him, and I know how he operates.  He's terrible, and doesn't do his job well.  I hear they want him out.  Just as I was talking to Green-eyes Jenn, the best nickname I can come up with for the moment, one of the branch managers was coming out of the library.  She's pretty as well.  Lately I can't help but stare at her hips.  What I guess you would call the saddle bag area of her thighs looks so nice, and that accentuates her hips.  She's looking really good these days.  I want to ask her if she will go with me to the Zoo Lights thing I bought tickets for, originally because I wanted to ask TheDesire to go.  But, I chickened out.  My back-up is going to be TheGirl if I don't ask anyone else.

Sat Dec 20, I worked the children's desk today.  It's super boring.  The way the desk is I'm hidden from view.  Which is fine by me.  I like having a chill day at work for once.  I ended up helping my coworker Dee.  I think she's super nice, and I was happy to help her.  It helped keep me awake at the switch.  She and I moved some stuff around, and I helped her make a poster for winter.  The new kid's books are on a piece of furniture that we moved to the end of a book case.  And the signs, which were moved because they were in "the way" are now in a different location as well.  I helped with the words of the sign.  Yay me!

Sun Dec 21, Work was super chill.  Nothing really to report there.  I worked with my coworker Deanna, who I think is just nice.  I had a little crush on her earlier in the year.  Aside from that work wasn't anything to report.

After work I took myself to Disneyland.  I hadn't been in three weeks, and I felt I owed myself a trip.  The park wasn't too packed, but I was more interested in food.  I ate a corn dog.  Followed that up with some popcorn and then had a churro.  My coworker H was at Disneyland with her fellow.  I think she wanted to meet up, but I was cagey and didn't make an effort to meet up with her.  I didn't want to be the third wheel.  And I didn't want to have to at some point excuse myself.  So I just avoided them.  I walked around the park a little, and then went home.  I was home by 9pm.  But, my belly was full of yummy Disneyland food.

Mon Dec 22, Nothing to report about work.  I went after work to visit TheGirl, as I do nearly every Monday.  I'm not going to see her this Wednesday or next, so she gave me my Christmas gift tonight, a flask.  I'm officially a degenerate.  Well, the first time I use it I will become a degenerate.  She knows me all too well.

I just remembered something that happened at work. I was talking up Homeless Jenn.  I better come up with another nickname for her.  Anyway, she's homeless, and attractive.  She has the greenest eyes, and I like talking to her.  I talked to her for nearly an hour tonight while I was on the computer desk upstairs.  I like her.  I can't imagine how it would be if I wanted to start a relationship with her, seeing as she's homeless.  But, she seems nice.  She seems to be trying to get her life together.  I don't know her history though.  She could have deep dark secrets for all I know.  Well, I'll just say that I'm laying the foundations for something.

Tue Dec 23, Nothing much to report from job one.  When I went to job two I noticed that the car next to me looked familiar.  Sure enough, it was TheDesire's car.  Womp, womp.  I was afraid that the Universe was going to force me to run into her today.  When I went into work she wasn't on the desk.  When I took my break she wasn't on desk either.  And as I write this she's probably not in the building.  Earlier when I went to the basement to use the restroom I thought I heard her voice.  I was sure that the Universe would make it so I would have to bump into her and have to say Merry Christmas, or some thing.  I'm only avoiding her because I don't want her on my mind.  Seeing her will surly bring back some of those old feelings of like for her.  I need some time away from her.  I've been good in that I haven't thought of her.  I've been focusing my energy elsewhere.  My coworkers think I should go after the new library assistant at SM.  It's a thought.  She's attractive, though I'm not sure if we're compatible.  Still, I'd like to sleep with her.  We'll see what happens.

My coworker from SM bought me a bag to carry my lunch in.  She's seen me bring my lunch in a bag for the last few months, and she said that bag is looking ratty (which it is).  So she got me a brand new bag.  I loved it, and I will definitely use it starting Friday.  I had a pretty uneventful night at job two tonight.  When I got home a bit of awesome news was waiting for me.  The application for library assistant I put in a few months ago was rejected because it was incomplete.  Fucking shit!  Whatever!  It's their loss.  This is why I don't ever try anything, because 9 times out of 10 I get the shit end of the stick.  I feel like the Universe wants to throw some shit at me at the end of the year because I have said that I've had a good year.  I parked next to TheDesire's car today.  I saw her for a moment when I came into work, but she didn't see me.  If she did she didn't acknowledge me.  I am not going to let this all get to me.

Wed Dec 24, I pretty much love Christmas, but I don't like the silly stuff people attache to it.  The family felt the need to come over tonight, but of course they don't say what time they're going to arrive.  I fucking hate the informality of saying "hey, we're coming over," such and such day.  How hard is it to at least say evening or morning or whatever?  The family did arrive in time for dinner, and stayed until just past 9pm.  It was cool, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have missed them not coming over.  I say that now, but some day I might miss them.  I do understand that.  For now, my free time is so precious that I don't what to deal with anyone.  They were cool though.  My cousin stopped at some Mexican restaurant and bought us food.  The enchiladas she got me were passable.  I've had better, but then I never pass up a free meal.  After they left I wrote this entry and listened to some music while I prepared to jerk-off.  I SO wanted to last night, but I was exhausted.  I'm a bit tipsy right now, but not so much that I can't do this.

There are times in life when you decide to just let go of old notions... for some reason I had this thought of this episode of Cheers.  I hate when a comedy show gets all serious.  But ultimately the writers of a show want to share a moment of their life in which they had some sort of epiphany about their condition.  This moment in the show Cheers is apropos, because it reflects on that moment when you have to let go of something you cared very much about.  Soon I'll let go of 2014. You were a good year.  Hey, 2015... I've learned to take a punch.  Watch out!

Thu Dec 25, I wanted to get some things done today, such as get TheGirl her gift.  She bought me a flask and some booze to prime it.  I feel I should buy her something nice.  I did think of a couple of things, but since I haven't had the time to go shopping.  What with working twenty-three days straight this month.  Today I planned on catching up with some things.  But because it's Christmas day I found nothing but barriers.  I went to Ikea to buy a couple of frames, and of course it was closed.  I went to the Observatory to at least get a nice view of the city.  Closed.  I went up to the Hollywood Bowl overlook, and that was packed with cars.  I finally went to visit my Grandmother.  That was the only good thing about my aimless drive.  But even that couldn't be in peace.  The cemetery was full of people visiting their love ones.  The ones by my Grandmother were really loud, and for some reason they were only interested in staring at me.  I said my peace to my Grandmother and left quickly.  I'll go back soon, when there are fewer people around.  I then went back home and just watched TV the rest of the day.  I need to explain two of the photos above.  The Valley girl thing is a poster I see when I go onto the freeway.  It just showed up.  The second was on the exit close to the cemetery.  I guess this florist has the ability to talk to the dead.  Pretty good for $6.

The number 11:11 has been showing up a lot the last few days.  Of course I was hyper-focused on that number because of TheDesire.  But still, ever since I told myself I was walking away from my futile efforts to win over TheDesire I've been seeing some stupid coincidences.  Of course they are JUST coincidences.  But it just reminds me of what a dope I've been this past year to ignore the obvious and still go head on into a wall.  The last couple of weeks since TheDesire told me about the fella she's been talking about have been freeing.  Not thinking about her has helped me realize what a dope I was.  And it's kept me from falling back into liking her and giving it just one more shot.  No more shots.  I've taken my best, and it wasn't good enough by a mile.  I've licked my wounds and have moved on, finally.  These last couple of days little things have reminded me of this truth.  I've been reading a book about the Great Gatsby.  It talks about why it's the best novel ever written in America.  It is the story of America, as told through Gatsby.  He had this vision that he could reach out and attain what was once so close to him.  But it was already in the past.  Not being able to escape our past was one of the themes in The Natural.  I watched it today after my aimless drive.  The most real and poignant moment of that film is the last scene, where Hobbes is playing catch with his father.  Baseball was all that Hobbes thought was important.  Ultimately he came to realize there there are greater things.  But the past is always with you.  All that shit we've experienced is with us.  My fool choices are with me.  I loved TheGirl, but she wasn't the long term kind.  I really liked TheDesire, but she was another dead-end.  What I've learned is that perhaps I'm just one of those guys that don't get the girl.  I watched an episode of The Flash tonight, and of course the main character is in love with a girl he can't have (sound familiar?).  Another character tells him, "Guys like us don't get the girl."  Yeah, that's me.  I can live with that.  Just to add spice to my night TheDesire wished me a Merry Christmas.  Thanks Universe.  I asked the Universe to give me a legitimate shot with TheDesire.  I never had a chance, but now the mockery is all over these little coincidences.  It's all in my mind, but why would my mind make me feel this way?  Also, her texting me out of the blue is not in my mind.  Yes, we're "friends" in her mind, but I haven't contacted her in days.  I've avoided her.  Oh well.

Fri Dec 26, Today was a bit of a random day.  I had the last couple of days off, so suddenly coming into work on a Friday was strange.  I was on the route again today.  No one asked me about the other driver today.  It's because everyone has accepted that he's gone and that I'm the Friday driver.  The route itself was nothing special.  I had a chance to ask the branch manager I'll call Snow, for lack of a better nickname.  Now that I've turned my focus away from TheDesire, I want to attempt to ask Snow out.  She's always been on the radar, because she's pretty, seemingly smart, and I think super nice.  Now often does one find that?  It might be another dead-end for me, but it's good to focus on someone that's not TheDesire.  I saw TheDesire twice today, by the way.  Neither time did we interact.  She was looking away both times she was in my eye sight.  As I told my buddy, I'm not avoiding her, but I'm also not making that effort I used to make to have some face time with her.  If it happens, I'll be friendly.  But I'm not going to make the effort to interact with her any more.  That's a thing of the past.  Back to Snow, I blew my chance at asking her.  The next opportunity will be a week from today.  Fuck!  She said she had something for me, but that she forgot it.  If I don't ask her next week I should just give up on asking her at all.  Also, the Christmas lights display that I bought tickets for is just a couple of days after next Friday.  This is all cutting it close.  If I don't ask her I will have to fall back on my back-up plan of asking TheGirl.  And if she can't make it then I have already told my buddy that he's my plan C.

After work I went to Ikea to get a frame for TheGirl's gift, which is a map of Solvang and Buellton that I found during the furniture sale at the library.  I think it's something unique that she will like.  If not, oh well, I didn't spend much on it.  Also, on Sunday I plan on going to Disneyland before work and buying her those wine glasses she wants.  TheChisel broke one of the other glasses she used to have.  They don't sell that style any more.  Every time we have gone to Disneyland we look for them, with no luck.  She's resolved to the fact that she will probably never find them again.

Today the subject of being single came up on her texts to me.  A coworker of ours told me that I should ask TheGirl out.  I told her this, and she laughed.  She mentioned how she's "very single."  I think that confirms her cryptic statement of a few weeks ago that she had gotten rid of someone.  I thought it was TheChisel that she was talking about.  However, I've thought that in the past, only to be proven wrong.  I just checked on his FB account, and there hasn't been any activity since late August.  That, of course, doesn't mean anything.  He could have just lost interest.  But he was flaunting that he was with TheGirl pretty hard last year.  He posted EVERYWHERE they went.  Oh well.  The thought of asking if TheGirl wanted to "go out" crossed my mind today.  I can't lie about that.  But it would be as futile as my pursuit of TheDesire was this past year.  I didn't realize it until just now, but this past Sunday was the anniversary of me asking TheDesire out.  What a fool I was to wait so long.  The sooner the better, at least you know.  That's what I have to use to psych myself up to ask Snow out.

Sat Dec 27, MicroManager asked if I could work today.  Seeing as I lost some hours with the holiday closures, I said yes.  It was going to be short shift anyway.  I started at 9:30 and finished up at 2pm.  I spent half my time upstairs.  It was chill.  My buddy was on the desk his entire shift.  He openly wonders why he gets stuck on the desk for so long, while the rest of us get moved around.  Ah, the mysteries of the library.  After work my buddy wanted to go get some tacos, but I had to wait around for him for two hours.  Not a problem.  I took a nap and waited for him.

Once he got off work we bolted to East LA for some tacos from Los Cinco Puntos market.  We went there in June, only to be thwarted by the fact that they were closed.  This is why we bolted.  I had a burrito, and my buddy had a few tacos.  I can't say it was the best burrito I've had, but man it was good.  Simple, but good.  As I told my buddy later, the flavors complimented each other, that's what made it SO good.  Each element was good, but together it made for a really good burrito.  He said the same about his tacos.  We finished up, bought some tamales for the road and went home.  At home we talked about our upcoming project, which we call Project 2015.  My buddy's bad year will not be repeated.  We are going to get the girl this year.  We will travel this year.  I plan on also getting my photography out there.  Baby steps, but still, we have a whole year to make this happen.  He's already planning on getting out of town and going to Big Sur.  I envy him for that, since I have property taxes to pay before I start thinking of trips.

Sun Dec 28, I've been wanting to go to Disneyland to pick-up TheGirl's Xmas gift for the last few days.  But Friday I couldn't because I went to Ikea to get another part of her gift.  And then Saturday I hung out with my buddy.  So, today was the last opportunity to get her wine glasses before I see her tomorrow.  I woke up early, but it was difficult to get out of bed.  I didn't get out the door until 8am.  I wanted to BE there at 8am, not leave home at that time.  Oh well, I arrived a little before 9am.  I was handed a piece of paper that said how the park was going to be extremely filled.  Oh oh.  When I arrived at the main gate I saw they weren't kidding.  The lines were easily one hundred deep.  Well, now I had a plan to get some breakfast in the park, maybe go on a couple of rides, and then buy TheGirl her gift on my way out.  That plan did not come off that way.  I ended up having breakfast at Earl of Sandwich, then going to the store to buy the glasses, and finally going into the park for a quick walk up and down Main Street.  I wanted popcorn, but the vendors weren't selling any that early in the morning.  I finally just gave up and got out of the park.  I was still hungry, so on my way to work I stopped off and had some breakfast.  At least I got TheGirl's gift.

Then I still had to work.  I was working today, don't you know.  Work was nothing to report on.  My coworker today was Deanna, the one I have a slight crush on.  She's adorable.  I like when we're on the desk, because it's close quarters, and she's one that gets really close to people's face when she talks.  Either that or she knows a little that I likey her.  I'd like to have her pose for me, her hair reminds me of a Pre-Raphaelite model.  She would be perfect for my Pre-Raphaelite project that I can never get off the ground, because I can't get anyone to pose for me.  Course what I'd really like to do is sleep with her.  She's just NICE.

After work I meet up with my buddy O for some dinner and chatting.  Whenever he comes up from San Diego we go get some Tommy's, because shit town doesn't have Tommy's.  Ha!

Mon Dec 29, When I got out to the car this morning it was half covered in ice.  I quickly scrapped it off the windshield and went on my merry way.  Work was busy this morning.  They had me mock up some fliers for an author series.  Simple stuff, but the devil is in the details.  After covering for a break I had to help on the desk with some passports.  There were a ton of people in line to get their passports.  Another possible model for my Pre-Raphaelite project could be another coworker, Esther (in photo above).  I always read Esther to be extra friendly with me.  Of course it could be nothing.

After my shift I went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch with another coworker.  The food was pretty good, for a fast food joint.  I think the girl that served up my meal told me "God bless you."  That was a little strange to hear.  Still, the chicken was yummy enough that I'll definitely go back some time.

Following my nap I went into work at job two.  It was not easy tonight, since I was on the circulation desk for four hours, not including my 15 minute break.  On Tuesday nights I'm usually on the desk during the last hour with one guy named Zherman.  Things are usually OK, I mean it's just work.  Tonight made me just say fuck this guy, I'm not going to talk to him again.  He asked if I had a dog.  I mentioned how my aunt used to have one that "looked like a little wolf.. a pomeranian."  While I admit that I might have picked the wrong animal to compare with, his response made me just say fuck this guy.  He said that it didn't look anything like a wolf.  I mentioned the snout, but he just kept mocking me about the dog looking nothing like a little wolf.  In the past he's talked to me about drinking all these different Scotches, "Some of the best."  I should just keep my mouth shut at that place, no matter who I'm on the desk with.  That goes for everyone in that place.  What I don't like about this guy is that he's a know-it-all.  I hate dopes like that.  I was sent to get the book drop tonight because the page that usually gets it is out.  The book drop was packed.

After work I went to TheGirl's with her Christmas gifts.  She liked the map of Santa Ynez and her wine glasses.  I'm glad.

Tue Dec 30, As soon as I arrived I put on my headphones and got to working on this flier project.  I share an office with my pseudo supervisor, but she likes to talk my ear off.  So I have a pile of memberships that I haven't entered into the computer, because I've been too busy listening to her.  So today I just put my headphones on and got to working on my author series fliers.  Thankfully I was able to get my work done.  While I was giving my coworker a break I had to help with the passports again.  Then it was time to get going to job two.  Before that I wanted to mention the view from my office.  It rained today.  I wish I could draw the shade, but there's too many idiots walking around back there.

Fucking job two.  Come February I won't have to worry about the office idiots, but until then I still have to deal with those motherfuckers.  This is why I bring Chan with me to work.  I need a hug from that stuffed monkey every once in a while.

Wed Dec 31, Last day of the year and thankfully I had it off.  Woo!  I didn't even shower this morning, since it was so cold in the house.  The only busted thing is that these days off are somewhat tainted by my aunt being here bothering me.  Come Friday I will leave work at 3pm.  I don't want to be home at 4pm.  I've looked at the scheduling for my local library, and they close at 5:30pm.  That means if I get off work, drive to my local library in say thirty minutes, I can have at least two hours to just chill after work.  I'm not sure if I'm going to end up doing that a lot, but I also don't want to be home too early.

I was watching House (the TV show) on Netflix this morning as they showed a wedding.  I realized right at that moment that planning for a wedding is something I will never have to worry about.  I'm way past wedding now.  I'll be lucky if I find anyone, even with my efforts this coming year.  Most likely I'll just be alone as I have most of my life.  My few relationships while in my thirties will be the only relationships I will likely have.  I really should focus my energy towards things like my photography.

Tomorrow is the start of Project 2015.  There are no deadlines, but I've set myself a schedule to update my buddy on our mutual progress.  I can't wait to get things done.

When I first thought about this past year I didn't remember all the events.  I went back and looked at the pictures I took, which helps me remember.  Boy, I did A LOT this past year.  Two trips to Big Sur, a trip to San Francisco, all those trips to Disneyland, and all the time I spent with TheDesire.  That adds up to a damn good year.

The two trips to Big Sur book were like bookends this year, since one came at the beginning of the year, and one nearly at the end.  They were so different from my previous trips up the coast.  Both times I focused on taking photos a certain part of the coast.  I still don't think I've done the beauty of that coast justice.  This is why I keep going up.  But, on my November trip I think I took one of the best photos I've taken up north.

San Francisco was great.  I hadn't been in the city for seven years.  I don't want to space my trips up to SF that much.  A couple of years, tops.  TheGirl and I did touristy things up in SF, but it was still nice to be in the city.

Disneyland has always been a source of enjoyment.  Maybe because it's fresh in my mind, but Christmas time in the park has been my favorite thing about Disneyland for a few years now.  It puts me in a good mood, and in the holiday spirit.

The time I spent with TheDesire wasn't much this year, but what time it was felt great.  It's been a year since I asked her out, and nothing in her mind has changed.  She still doesn't want me.  My plan was to be in her face that perhaps she would give me a chance.  Alas, it's not meant to be that way.  I still hold out a little bit of hope, but unless something drastic happens in her thinking then I'm pretty much spinning my wheels.  It's pleasant to be with her, but I know it isn't going anywhere.

My promotion at San Marino really changed my fortunes.  The coming year promises a change in my Glendale schedule, and perhaps other changes.  I had hoped that the application to Alhambra's library would change my job fortunes.  Alas, they rejected my application.