No use doing a long introduction.  This has been an interesting month.  See for yourself.

Sun Nov 1, First day of the new month and I hit the ground moving.  First off, TheGirl asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to go to Disneyland for breakfast again.  She suddenly LOVES breakfast at Disneyland on a Sunday morning.  And not just any breakfast, but the breakfast at the Carnation Cafe.  She told me today that she wouldn't have known about the Carnation Cafe if it wasn't for me.  I tend to be that guy that has tried things out and other people say things like, "Oh, I've never been there."  Come with me, I've been there.

Disneyland early in the morning is pretty cool.  Most people don't want to wake up early.  Actually, TheGirl didn't want to wake up early either, and because of that I had to make our reservations for 9:20am, rather than 8am.  I would rather be there at 8am and get food out of the way and still have at least two hours to get on some rides.  But, TheGirl likes sleeping in.  Whatever, we made it to our reservation with time to spare.  Still, we had to wait a little while. We went into the shops, where I found two things I wanted to buy.  I didn't get them, but that's because I never buy anything when TheGirl is around.  We received the buzz from the reservation pager and went back to the cafe from across the street.  We were seated at a prime people watching spot.  The last time we came here we were seated at the very last table, all the way inside the cafe.  I don't mind either way, because I'm there to eat.

We ordered and then we talked a little.  Our meals arrived and the both us of took pictures of our meal I dare say that TheGirl never thought of photographing her food until she saw me doing it.  Then again, she said that she would have never known about the Carnation Cafe if it wasn't for her.  TheGirl peppered our conversation this morning as we drove to Disneyland with talk of TheChisel.  She must love the guy, or something, since she says she doesn't have the heart to throw him out on the street.  Apparently that's where he's living, on the street.  But after seeing that he just sits at her place all day long not doing anything she claimed that she was going to have a talk with him.  But of course she's not going to do it right away.  I don't care about what she does with TheChisel.  THIS is the main reason why I can't be in a relationship with her.  If I ever think that I should go back with her I think about how she treated me when it came down to TheChisel coming into her life and mine.  She did wrong by me then, and I can never forget that.  It showed her fatal flaw, that she can't be trusted.  She's a great girl, and we get along so well.  But now that we're just friends it works 100% better.  Not so much when we were in a relationship.

Breakfast was cool.  We only had time to get on one ride, and we wanted to go on the Matterhorn, but the line on the app said it was only a fifteen minute wait.  But when we got there the line stretched to the other side of the Matterhorn.  NO WAY that's a fifteen minute wait.  We decided to head to the Monorail.  We then bought some popcorn, and a blouse she saw earlier when we were waiting to be seated, and we were on our merry way back home.  Of course I still had to go to work.

Work was work.  Nothing to write about.  The only thing I can report on is that my coworker with the big boobs is moving on soon.  I got to work with her on the desk for the first, and probably last, time today.  I thought about still throwing out an invite to dinner or something.  But really I have zero game.  My invites must sound to women like an invitation to a monster truck rally.  Or something unappealing to women.  Still, it was nice to work with her one time on the desk.  In about two weeks time she will be gone.  I hardly knew her, and I guess that's how it's going to stay.

I told my buddy that tacos were seriously needed, and he picked out a couple of taco joints we could go to.  We picked a place just outside of downtown by Echo Park, a Leo's tacos.  We got there and found a spot to park the car.  The tacos are fucking great.  Nothing so fancy, nothing crazy, just good meat and good salsas.  A good taco is about the meat, and this al pastor was the shit.  I had eight tacos and a Coke for $10!  That's a fucking great deal.

We ended the night having some booze and talking till it was nearly 1am.  Seriously, a great day and a great way to start this month.

Tue Nov 3, The route today was a little taxing, mainly because two branches had huge deliveries.  One branch had seven bins and another had eight.  That total is sometimes what I have for the entire route.  Ha!  TreasuryGirl was quite chatty today.  If I had the guts to ask her out I would.  She's not just amazing looking, she's actually nice.  That's what strikes me the most about my conversations with her.  She always seems genuine and nice.  *sigh*

Ru's body is an amazing specimen.  She's so petite, yet so fucking curvy.  Not sure how it is that I work with so many attractive women.  Seemingly all Armenian, as well.  Ani told me that she is considering posing for me in the all together.  Wow!  Now I have to fucking step my photography game up.  It will be a wonder to finally see her naked.  Would be great if Ru told me the same thing.  THAT would really be following the dream.  I didn't get to talk many details with Ani about possibly doing this, because a dummy patron had to check out their books.  Damn patrons.  If I was to photograph her nude I'm not even sure where I would be able to do it.  Must think of a few places I could take her.  Hotel would be my first option.  Ha!

Tonight I left TheDesire a little "letter" from her penguin to her asking her, "Have you hugged your penguin today?"  Signed, the penguin Panos.  I think she'll like it.  I hope she does, anyway.  I played a prank on her earlier in the night, when I was finishing up my route.  There's a fan next to the desk where she and the other reference librarians sit and answer the phone.  It was off when I walked by her the first time, so I turned it on.  She didn't see it was me that turned it on.  I did it again, and that time she looked in my direction as I was about to walk out of circulation and smiled.  I do like that girl's smile.

Wed Nov 4, Yesterday was election day in San Marino.  There was a pair of taxes that needed to be renewed.  Every ten years they need to be renewed.  There was a fear that if they weren't renewed that the city would have to cut many services, including the library.  Thankfully the two taxes passed by a large majority.  The threat of cuts has been skirted and now we can just work.  If only they would make me full-time.  That's probably never going to happen, ever.

Meanwhile, back at Glendale, TheDesire was reading the note I left her and automatically connecting the dots.  I later told Emma about it and she thinks it's a good thing that TheDesire thought of me as the writer of the letter.  It means she's thinking of me, or something like that.  Well, I guess that is a good thing.

TheGirl and I went to the same place for dinner tonight as we did last week.  The food is passable, but the booze is good.  Lotta stuff came out in tonight's conversation.  TheGirl mentioned she's been seeing a "Jewish guy."  Divorced, and of course looking for love.  Or whatever.  Not sure how long that's been going on for, but I suspect it's rather new.  Can't blame her for still trying to find companionship.  I'm doing the same, kinda.  We also talked about possibly going to San Francisco in February.  She would want to go with her daughter in tow.  In TheChisel news, apparently he found the camera that TheGirl put in the house that spied on him not doing anything all day while he stayed at her place.  When TheGirl moved into this new place she wanted to keep tabs on her dog while she was at work.  I told her how I had used an old iPhone to watch what happens at home.  She liked the idea and last year I bought her an iPod for this purpose.  Now that she finally has internet she can use this thing.  We set it up last week.  Shortly thereafter she noticed that TheChisel was just watching TV all day long.  Instead of being on the computer looking for a job, like he claimed.  Hence, TheGirl said she was going to have a talk with him.  Well, apparently he discovered the iPod was recording him and he unplugged it.  TheGirl didn't have a time table for when she was going to kick him out, in her words.  She just knew it was going to be soon.  But after today she said that she was going to have the talk with him about never coming back.  I know I've said that he's out of her life many times, and each time I've been wrong.  So, I won't say that he's out of her life now.  Time will tell.  She must care for him on some level to put up with him for so long.  After so many times that she says he claims to have forgotten his wallet at home, and she has been forced to pay for him.  See, when she dumped me one of the three times, she said it was because I was broke.  This guy gets some sort of a pass for that.  Well, up until now perhaps.

Whatever, I keep my mouth shut and don't give a damn what she does with TheChisel.  He can move in for all I care.  Makes me wonder, with all these changes, how long do we have left of this Wednesday night dinner thing.  It started when we were seeing each other, but nothing lasts forever.

Thu Nov 5, This morning I dropped my phone in my room just before heading out for work.  I didn't notice the cracked screen until I was already on the freeway.  I quickly tried to make an appointment with the Apple store for tonight during my dinner break, but they were booked.  Booked until Saturday after work.  Ah, that's a long time.  Too long, I think.  So, I went online and looked for the address of that place I had my last iPhone fixed.  They needed an appointment as well.  I said forget it.  I'll just drop in tonight.  But I didn't, because I was tired and I just wanted to chill in my car.

While on the route I received a text from Emma asking if I had seen that Shay invited us all to her place for some games.  No, I'm not on FB every second of the day.  I went online and saw the invite.  Of course Emma sees this as an opportunity to get Shay and my buddy together.  I see it as the same thing.  Emma thought I should invite TheDesire, but it's not my event to invite her to.  Also, I think this is best as a match making event for Shay and my buddy.  I can work on TheDesire another day and another way.  It would appear that I have to show up to this thing.  I still may be going to TheGirl's at the regularly scheduled time.  We shall see.

Speaking of girls I talk to on the route... Ani.  Ani was looking good today.  At least her shoes and feet did.  I told her via text later that I think I found her outfit for the potential photo shoot.  Those shoes!  I didn't say, "And nothing else," but I sure implied it.  Ani is nice, and yes she does have a few extra pounds on her.  Still, I find her to be so attractive.  I'm not even a foot guy and I found her feet to look attractive in her heels today.  I still have to push slightly for her to do this photo shoot.  Only problem is, where to take the pictures if she says yes.  I need to find a place.

I visited TheDesire's desk, as is my custom these days, while I was working the upstairs desk.  Panos is still there, and so is the note I wrote.  Emma thinks I'm in a good place as far as my moves on TheDesire.  I want to think I'm building up to something good, but I can't be sure.  I can't count on anything until I finally win her over.  Until she does go out on a date with me.  Not a friend thing, but a real date.  It's going to be a hard hill to climb, but I'm willing to put the time in.  There isn't anyone else on the horizon these days.  And really there isn't anyone else.  I can't keep myself from trying to find someone because of my friendship with TheGirl.  If that's so then I must think on some level that we still have a future.  Where we don't have a future except as friends.  I guess I do hope that we can remain friends despite the two of us possibly moving into other relationships.  I know I can do it, because I HAVE done it.  But, I don't know if that's the case for TheGirl.  The one time she saw me with TheDesire she freaked and openly asked me why her.  Why not someone else?  Anyone else, but TheDesire.  It's that just how life goes?  TheDesire is the one I want.  TheGirl would want me to be with anyone else but her.  TheDesire, on the other hand, doesn't want me.  According to Emma I should add an addendum to that last sentence and say she doesn't want me yet.  Time will tell.

Fri Nov 6, My buddy invited me to breakfast before going to work today.  I live in the southern part of the Valley, and he lives in the north.  It's not terribly different, other than here things are little more compacted.  It's nice out there though.  I think many people think of my part of the valley as somehow more part of the westside, despite the mountain range that separates the two parts of the city.  Why am I saying this?  Because I rarely get to go out to that part of the Valley, and it was just nice to go back there.  Back to where I went to school and finally graduated.

On to the breakfast.  My buddy choose a place with some really good food.  He doesn't fuck around when it comes to food.  Joe's cafe in Granada hills is barely a hole in the wall, but man do they have good food.  My buddy suggested I go get us a table while he parked the car.  He said to me that there is always a line for the place.  Sure enough there was easily a dozen people waiting outside the place.  I went in, and someone asked if I wanted a table.  Sure.  They asked me if I had a preference of inside or outside.  Having just been inside, and seeing that there were four tables and barely enough room, I said that outside was fine.  The girl turns to me and says, "Oh, do you want to sit here," as she pointed to an empty table right by the door.  This is outside, mind you, where they had about eight or ten tables.  Now, I had to make an "executive decision" because my buddy and I didn't discuss this on the way here.  I told her, "Sure," and I received the ire of the other people waiting outside.  They were clearly waiting for an inside table.  But if they had seen what I saw they would have just gotten the first table available.  The people inside were not going anywhere any time soon.  So I sat down, kinda doing a Chan butt wiggle in my mind to the dummies that didn't think to just take the next available table.  My buddy sees me and I wave to him.  He jokes that I must be good luck since I was able to get a seat right away.  First time charm.

The food was fucking great.  I ordered some potatoes with gravy and a side of bacon.  My buddy ordered the stuffed French toast.  He gave me a little piece to try.  Fucking right on.  This breakfast reminded me of the breakfast up in Pacific Grove's First Awakenings.  I asked my buddy how it was that some places just get things like this right, and others fail miserably.  Detail, attention to details, he said.  True enough.  Because really it's the same amount of work to make bad eggs as it is to make good eggs.  OK, maybe not the same amount of work, but it takes the same amount of time to actually cook them.  Put the preparation is the key.  That's where the real work is done.  Taking the time to get the right eggs, and not just picking whatever is where the details come in.  I retract my previous statement.

Since we were in the neighborhood, my buddy and I went onto the CSUN campus, to visit the old place.  Not much has changed since the last time I was there, but that was only a year ago for that Sarah Mclachlan concert.  My buddy, on the other hand, hasn't been there since he graduated, he said.  THAT's a long time.  He was saying that he never had that much school "spirit" when he was coming here or after.  I didn't have school spirit, but I had a great time on that campus.  Some of the best times of my life, really.  I showed my buddy the roof of Sierra Hall, where I spent many a lunch alone.  I so loved going up there and not having to deal with people during my lunch.  I simply needed that time away from classmates, class, and everything that's on campus.  We then gravitated towards the library, since that's where I spent most of my free time, and not free time.  That library was the center of my world while I was going to CSUN.

I'm not sure what made me go visit Wayne's old office, but I did.  I went into the ILL department and there was a girl there that asked me if I wanted some help.  I told her I was just looking for the guy in that office, and I pointed in the direction of Wayne's old office cubicle.  "I think he retired," she says.  I asked if someone else was using that cubicle, and she answered that they only use it for storage now (pictured above).  I went and sure enough saw what you see above.  A collection of stuff, junk really, where Wayne's desk used to be.  Where I spent so many hours talking.  Where I figured so many things out.  Where I found a person that helped me out when no one else saw my potential.  I can't say that the moment was bitter/sweet.  It just was.  Enough time has passed since those days that I can feel nostalgic without feeling like I want to be back there.  Although, perhaps I shouldn't say that.  I loved those days at CSUN.

The school that is across the street from the library had no class today, so the library was empty nearly my entire shift.  Woo!  Of course, towards the end of the day patrons came into the library and disturbed what could have been a perfect shift.  One in which I didn't see a single patron.  However, that wasn't to be.  But, thankfully Emma and one of the pages from Montrose showed up.  The page from Montrose is somewhat interesting.  I think I just like her young body.  Anyway, to cut to the chase.  Emma brought up my buddy Vagabundo to Shay, and say totally shot him down in absentia.  However, he still has a chance to rehabilitate himself.  Emma asked Shay straight up if she would date Vagabundo, and she said that she wouldn't because he isn't assertive enough.  As Emma pointed out, that means that she actually considered it in her mind, because she had an answer.  Emma isn't wrong about that.  I'm going to do my best to help my buddy out with this Shay thing.  I don't know if they're perfect for each other, but my buddy needs a girl in his life.  He needs to tell me stories about how Shay likes her hair pulled.  Just like I've told him stories about my experiences. 

When I got home tonight I went right to eating, since I was starving.  My aunt received a phone call from a woman that visits, and helps out, my Godmother.  My Godmother isn't well.  I guess no 90+ year old is well.  The fact that they're alive is incredible.  Especially my Godmother.  She is not well, but she refuses to go visit the doctor.  I get it, the ailment is likely to not take you out as much as just old age is bound to kill you.  Still, she should get checked out, but she refuses.  Back to the subject.  My aunt talked to the lady about how she can't go and help my Godmother anymore, and my aunt came into my room to say she was going to visit my Godmother tomorrow.  While she was getting up to leave my room she comes up to me where I'm seated and pleads with me to stop drinking.  A lesser me would have felt bad, but I knew she was just crying crocodile tears.  I got up and didn't say a word.  I'm tired of her dumb pleas.  I'm not a lush.  I come home and I drive once in a while.  If anything I've been drinking less.  But then she opens her mouth and I just want to down a whole bottle.  I can't stand her telling me this fucking shit.  Her little "speech" reminded me of a few lines from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."  They go like this:

"You're a thirty-year-old kid. Soon you'll be a fifty-year-old kid.  Pretendin' you're hearin' cheers when there ain't any.  Dreamin' and drinkin' your life away.  Heroes in the real world live twenty-four hours a day, not just two hours in a game.  Mendacity! You won't... You won't live with mendacity?  Well, you're an expert at it!  The truth is pain and sweat and payin' bills and makin' love to a woman that you don't love any more.  Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die."

I'm tired of all the bullshit.  I put my head down in order to cope with it, but I really am tired of all this shit.

Sat Nov 7, Work was work today.  TheDesire still has a cold.  But, thankfully Emma was able to ask her some questions for some insight into what TheDesire likes in a guy.  What Emma told me is that TheDesire likes an assertive guy.  A man who takes charge.  OK.  That's the same thing she found out from Shay that she likes.  Makes sense.  They're girls.  They want a man who is a man.  Time for Operation Penguin to go to that place where I am a manly man, and I win the heart of TheDesire.  We already have great conversations, which was another thing that TheDesire said.  Specifically she said that she likes intellectual conversations.  Hell, that's all I ever have with TheDesire.  OK, maybe not the only thing, but I try to show her that I know a lot about a lot of subjects.  In short, I love TheDesire and will try my best to finally win her over.

After work I got some dinner with my buddy Dane and then jetted back to my work place parking in order to get to the Apple store so I could get my busted iPhone screen fixed.  I dropped off my phone and walked around the Americana with Dane.  I went back and they said that they had to give me a new phone because they didn't notice that the sleep/wake button was not working well.  I thought I had noticed that, but of course I choose to live with it.  Thankfully they replaced my phone with a new one, but they didn't charge me for the price of a new phone.  They charged me the price of a screen replacement.  That's nearly a $200 difference in price.  Woo!  Winner!

Sun Nov 8, Work Sunday wasn't all that busy.  I had this notion to go to Disneyland after work tonight, but I was tired and I didn't go.  Maybe I'll go next week.  I need my Disneyland fix.  Tonight I had thoughts of going to the park and having one of those fancy baked potatoes.  Like I said, I was tired though.  I went home and it was for the better.  I fell asleep in my chair shortly after arriving from work.

I have to say that I'm pretty much tired of everything.  Tired of people telling me what I have to do with my life.  Believe me, I don't want to be a delivery guy all my life, but I also don't want to not be a delivery guy.  If that makes sense.  I want to have the time for my art.  Sadly I don't right now.  In less than a month I'll be up in Big Sur again, taking a bunch of photos.  Hopefully a few of them will be good enough to be called art.  By me.  I have gone past caring what others think of my work.  But then again I also like it when someone says they were moved by it.  No one is going to pay me to take pretty pictures all day long.  I know that.  So I have to feed myself the best way I know how.  Work.  Honest work.  I don't like what I do at San Marino these days, because it all seems like some colossal waste of time.  My time.  But, I have to eat.  I just want some time alone.  To be alone with my thoughts.  I think that's why I'm SO looking forward to this upcoming trip.  Because I won't have anyone to answer to but myself.

Mon Nov 9, There was no food for me to eat this morning.  Well, there was food, but nothing I wanted to eat.  Because of that I told myself that I would treat myself to a breakfast burrito from a place in Pasadena that makes good breakfast burritos.  Thankfully traffic wasn't as bad as it usually is.  I think it's because I left a little earlier than I normally do, in order to get to Pasadena, eat my breakfast, and make it to work on time.  Mission accomplished!  Ha!

Work was kinda leisurely today.  Not many questions for me to answer on the reference desk.  I'm covering every other Monday until they hire the new library assistant.  The boss said that they had a good crop of candidates, but another one of the librarians said that this wasn't true.  I guess I'll see for myself when they start working.  Lunch consisted of a can of chili I had in my office for occasions like today.  I was hungry, but I didn't want to go out and buy something to eat.  Also, I didn't want to give up my prime parking spot.  The chili was meh.  My shift on the desk was uneventful.  Yeah, I know, what a fucking boring entry.

I finished up work and headed to TheGirl's for our Monday visit.  I first ate some food.  It hit the spot.  I then went to her place and texted her that I was there.  But, she didn't get my text.  So I waited outside, and waited, and waited.  I waited over a half an hour for her to finally respond to a text I sent figuring that she was inside, but she didn't know I was outside.  She felt bad, and told me that I was free to come inside.  I told her I didn't want to impose.  TheChisel might do that, I don't.  I don't go in until I'm invited.  If I was still in a relationship with TheGirl that would be different.  But, since I'm not in a relationship I can't just assume I can go in.  What if she had company?  What if TheChisel decided to show up?  Oh no, I'm not going to be in the middle of that.

Tue Nov 10, Like yesterday, I skipped breakfast at home and bought some food on the road, because there was nothing to eat at home.  I went to McD's and had a yummy biscuit sandwich.  I would have been early to work today, but because I needed to get food I was on time.  Not that anyone is watching me clock in.  My aunt tries her best to help me out by making me food, cleaning my clothes, but sometimes I ask for more than the minimum.  Also, I'm pretty sick of all the food that I eat.  Even the good food isn't all that great.  I rather not eat and get skinny.  I'm still fat.  But oh well.  Breakfast hit the spot, but I knew I would need to eat before job two.

Yesterday, while I was on the desk, I was asked to help out today with the computer set-up for the garden club.  I went into work and quickly set-up the computer in the community room.  Of course an hour later they needed my help.  Somehow people can own a computer but still don't understand the more elementary elements of using a computer.  After garden club I went back to my office and dicked around for a little bit.  Pseudo supervisor was all chatty today.  At one point in the morning I was falling asleep, so I decided that was a good time to put my music onto my iPhone.  When they gave me a new phone at the store I was given a blank slate.  None of my music was on it.  I needed to get my Beatles stuff on it, ASAP.  But I don't have the updated iTunes at home.  I figured I would email the IT guys to install it.  They didn't even respond.  So I went to one of the patron computers to do my work.  I spent nearly two hours putting on a few Beatles albums onto my phone.  But, it was worth it.

My buddy was getting off work and I was coming in.  He invited me to join him for some dinner before I had to go into work.  He found a good Mexican place up the street from the library.  I met him there.  We both ordered the sopes, which were really good.  Not the best I've had, but they were the closest to how my Grandmother made them.  In style, that is.  Taste was good though.  We chatted about the work events, and then I headed into the grind.

As I got upstairs I was confronted with the sight above, Achee's butt.  It's big, I'm not going to lie.  But it looked kinda nice from this angle, and as she had it positioned.  I remember when I first started here her butt was smaller and had a nice shape.  I sometimes see the remnants of that nice shape in her butt.  Like tonight, it looked nice.

Tonight I wanted to leave TheDesire a note on her desk.  I couldn't think of anything to say, so I went ahead and made a nice little version of her name (pictured above).  The first chance she'll get to see it is Thursday, since we all have tomorrow off.  I think I did an OK job at it.  Something nice to give her, I thought.  Earlier, while I was on the desk for an hour, she was saying that she had test driven a Tesla.  I just went online to see what the car costs, and it says the cars START at $100k!  WTF?  How can she afford to buy that?  She did mention that she was having a, "Midlife crisis."  Then asked, "At what age is it right to have a midlife crisis?"  I told her that any age is fine.  She's so adorable.  I know that I can't help her through her funk, or her midlife crisis.  I just want to be there though.  This effort might very well be a lost cause, but I'm the kind of lost causes.  I do adore TheDesire.  I've been having stupid thoughts of how I would ask her to marry me.  I know, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself.  I mean WAY WAY ahead of myself.

Wed Nov 11, I want to thank all the veterans that fought for this county so I could sleep in today.  Sleep is so precious these days, so don't think I'm saying this in jest.  Well, maybe with a little tongue in cheek, but not to mock.  I slept in, and then slowly got ready for Shay's party.  I was only going to be able to stay a short time, because I had plans with TheGirl.  I can't break those.  I just wanted to set up my buddy and Shay.  Not sure I did much to facilitate that, but oh well.

I arrived at Shay's just moments after my buddy did.  We didn't want to be the first to arrive, so since we were early we decided to hang out a bit before going up to her house.  As it turned out we were parked way down the street from her house.  My GPS told me that I had arrived, but I still had at least seven hundred feet more to go before reaching Shay's house.  And of course for all our efforts were were not the first ones to arrive.  One of her friends showed up steps in front of us.  I mean steps.  The two hours I was there went fast.  We played some games, and drank a wee bit.  I didn't even get a buzz, which was OK since I was driving.  I wanted my buddy to come out of his shell some more.  Later Emma told me he was quiet.  Even he said he was quiet.  Quiet is fine, but not at a party with the girl you like is throwing it.  When I left Shay gave me a hug.  Later, when I talked to my buddy after he left, he told me that I was the only one that received a hug from Shay.  Hmm, he said.  I must say, I had a tiny suspicion that Shay might actually be a tiny bit interested in me.  I don't want to believe it, and I don't want it to be true.  But there have been some signs.  Not big ones, and certainly not ones that tell me that she wants to jump me.  Perhaps it's better to say that she has thought about it.  Then again, she has also thought about dating my buddy.  Which is why I told him he HAD to attend this thing tonight.  And why I didn't cancel my dinner with TheGirl.  I wanted to leave them interact, without me.

When I arrived at TheGirl's she told me that she was dealing with a urinary tract infection.  Ah, what?  As I drove to where we were going to buy some food TheGirl told me about her date with the nice Jewish boy last night.  She said after that she's through.  He just wanted one thing, and of course she gave it to him.  Duh!  When you give it up that fast a man then has nothing to pursue.  He just wants more of the same without having to put as much effort into courting a woman.  She was still coming down from her margarita buzz from earlier in the day, so she was very emotional.  She said how she was just going to die alone, and that she was through with men because they only want one thing.  Duh!  That's all we ever want.  Well, some of us.  I always say that people don't change.  I know TheGirl likes to say she's changed, but she hasn't.  She's still the same woman.  I think there was a moment that she really lamented breaking up with me.  It was the moment she turned to me and said that I was the only man that ever treated her with respect.  Ah, yeah!  And how was I repaid?  With a kick in the teeth, that's how.  Call it some sort of Karma, perhaps, that she is now meeting the worst men.  Top that with the fact that we still talk, we still hang out.  It's a constant reminder of her letting me go.  TheGirl mentioned TheDesire, because it seems that she and the nice Jewish boy ran into his ex-wife while at dinner.  She said that only ever happened once in her life, and that was the night that she saw me going to the movies with TheDesire as she was coming out of the movies with that fucking TheChisel.

Dinner was pleasant.  We talked a little more about work stuff.  Then I played with her dog.

Thu Nov 12, Parking has become my bane when it comes to being on the route.  For some reason the route itself has become pretty easy to handle.  I can honestly say that even my encouters with bad drivers has stayed steady, and not risen.  However, the new drama I have to deal with every week is fucking parking spots that are not accessible.  Case in point, this morning at Pasadena.  There is room enough for three vans side by side to park in that dock area.  Typically, when I arrive at Pasadena I don't have to deal with the Pasadena delivery van, like in the past, because we show up two hours later than in the past.  But now I have to deal with everyone that parks like a fucking moron.  Today it was a Pasadena city truck that was working on installing some bike racks on the far side of the picture.  They parked so close to the left side of the dock, as shown in the picture, that it left me no choice but to park perpendicular to the dock.  It made my job so much harder than it has to be.  Not happy with that, the Universe fucked me good by then having some other idiot ask to park on the far side of the dock area, in a regular parking spot.  Suffice to say I was not happy with this situation.

TreasuryGirl looked stunning today.  She has an amazing figure.  One I wish I could partake of.  Alas, she doesn't want me.  No woman wants me.  The rest of the route was uneventful until I reached Grandview, and Snow.  She asked if I was interested in going to some passholder event on Tuesday.  I told her I would think about it.  I did think about it, it's too impractical.  It STARTS at 10pm and ends at 2am.  Ah, I'm not going to last that long on a route day.  Also, I work until 10pm.  I wasn't going to be done with work and then drive an hour to Disneyland only to get sleepy and want to go home.  No thanks.  Besides, I want Snow on my terms.

I was told to pick up some stuff from finance today, and the woman at the counter showed me the paperwork and said, "See?"  Ah sure, I see.  The paperwork is for six new hires.  The interviews that were held something like two months ago are turning into jobs for six people.  So while Central lets go of people, the branches is hiring six!  Actually, one is going to Central, in the children's room.  Damn that children's room needs a lot of bodies.  Whatever.  It shows that they have the money and the need for people.  Fucking bullshit!

After the route I was only given one hour for dinner, instead of the usual two hours.  It meant I had to eat and not take a nap.  When I went upstairs I had to deal with this new regular, and he's an asshole.  He argued with me over a few cents for some prints that he could have prevented from printing.  But since a certain coworker of mine feels that it's OK not to charge people for prints, and gives me hours of extra time on the computer, I have to deal with idiots like I had to today.  It tires an already tired soul.. me.

After that bullshit, I went back to TheDesire's desk to see whatever happened to my "fancy" not that left TheDesire.  She still has it, and it's next to Panos.  Earlier in the night she wanted to say something to me, but she just said, "Later."  There were too many eavesdroppers amongst us for us to speak freely.  Still, she does have the stuff I gave her.  Emma thinks that something positive.

Late at night when I get off work I just want to bolt and go home.  But I guess that's too much to ask.  My buddy Dane wants to talk, and I like talking to him.  But not at 10pm.  There was a two week period where he didn't wait for me to come out after work, and I was home earlier than other nights.  Love the guy, but I just want to rest after a long day.  But, then there's the stupid patrons that won't leave on time.  Tonight it was this one smelly woman that refused to leave on time.  She kept on saying she was coming out, but she didn't come out for another ten minutes after ten.  I mean come on.  The security guards dropped the ball.  They should have had this encounter with her earlier, not at closing.  We did call the cops on her, but they arrived after she finally left.  The police we called did pick up another dummy that was drunk and banging on the library's door as we waited for the smelly woman to leave.  So not right.

Fri Nov 13, FINALLY, a fucking actual day off.  I had tickets to The Broad this morning.  I asked MontereyGirl if she wanted to come with me.  But the other day I thought I best just go by myself.  I didn't want company.  Besides, this way I'm on my own pace.  I arrived and waited in line.  Everyone bolted for a spot in the infinity room.  I didn't.  I went up to the galleries.  For such a large building, it actually doesn't have much in way of gallery space.  Not to say the building isn't big, it is big.  The entire second floor looks to be offices and art storage.  Which is cool.

The art is an acquired taste.  There were some things I liked from the collection: Lichtenstein and Jasper Johns.  But aside from that much of the art didn't really excite me.  It's that crazy post modern stuff, and that is an acquired taste.  Because I was unwilling to wait for the infinity room I ended up only staying for an hour.  The art is good, but really it's not all my style.  I saw what I wanted and got out of there in less than an hour.

I parked at the Disney concert hall.  All the previous times I've been there they make me pay before parking.  A flat rate of $9. This time they said to pay on my way out.  Hmm.  I think that meant they would charge me more, for the actual time I was there.  But, before going over to the Broad I asked a security guard where the vending machines were to pay before leaving.  He told me, but added that if I took the audio tour they would validate and it would cost me half.  That meant I would have to do the tour.  He suggested I just go up and come down, but once on the tour I kept going.  It was actually quite interesting.  The girl at the tour counter later told me that the price is $9 if I stay less than three hours.  Solid.  Now I know.

Following the concert hall tour I was aimless.  I was hungry, but I didn't know where to eat.  Now I had boxed myself into driving away, and not eating downtown.  I guess I could have gone to Olvera street, but I didn't think much of that idea at the time.  I thought of going to this burger joint I want to try out in Watts.  But then thought better of that idea as well.  I ended up driving to work and putting the missing music onto my phone.  That took a couple of hours.  Which was fine, because I could monitor on my phone that my family was still at my house.  It was early still.  I had some snacks that I bought and that quelled my hunger for at least a little while.  I finished up loading the phone with songs and I was ready to go.

I checked the traffic to see if I could make it to this sandwich shop in the Valley without dealing with too much traffic.  The app updated and said that it was green all the way though.  Of course when I was driving the actual freeway I was moving at a snail's pace.  Fucking app fooled me.  If I had seen it all read I would have stopped at some other place, probably Bob's Big Boy in Toluca Lake.  But, because I trusted this stupid app I decided to make the trek all the way to Lindley and that sandwich shop.  I opened up another app and sure enough, the fucking 101 was packed to the gills red on that app.  Fucking shit.  I decided to just take a powder and forget about the sandwich shop.  I ended up at IHOP, and then going to the market to buy some booze and sour cream.

The rest of my night was relaxing.  Though when I got home my iTouch was dead.  Not sure what could have happened to it.  I plugged it in tonight in hopes that it will come back to life.  The picture above is of the "breakfast nook" for lack of a better word.  It overlooks the back walkway and my neighbor's back walkway.  The light you see shining through was not there before the new owners installed it the other day.  Now, it's not just installed, it's illuminating.  I mean it's bright.  I might have to get some curtains to cover up some of the light.  I bought some cheap solar lights from the 99 cent store, but those are hit and miss.  This light is bright.  Can't miss it if someone is walking back there though.

Sat Nov 14, One of the full timers took the day off today, which means Herr asked me to come into work at 8am.  Waking up super early on any day sucks, but especially on a Saturday.  Oh, and today beat me up a bit.  What made me feel worst is having lunch so early in my shift.  By the time my shift ended my stomach was doing back flips.

Usually I can deal with stuff like this by just belching and farting the fucking air out of my stomach.  But, since I was with company, or on the desk, nearly the entire time.  I couldn't fart.  So the gas accumulated, and the pressure grew and grew.  After work I had plans to hang with my buddy and Emma.  Emma went along with me from work, so my usual farting sanctuary was also blocked.  I had to hold it in, and all that did was make the pressure worse, and make me feel worse.

By the time we got to the restaurant I was feeling pretty horrible.  We ordered drinks and waited for them.  I excused myself from the table to fart in the bathroom, but of course I felt a big shit instead of just a fart.  So I took a dump.  The second my butt hit the toilet I burst out a huge fart that blew out the shit inside me.  It was like a canon.  It made me feel better, but really that shit was holding back a lot of farts to come.  I decided that I would sit sideways at the table and let them fly.  I figured that the noise from the music, and the people, and the traffic (since we were sitting outside) would muffle the sounds.  If they didn't, neither my buddy or Emma said anything. 

As I began to feel better Emma, who was inhaling beers, was feeling worse.  There was a point where she asked me to sit next to her.  Then a point where she asked me to go to the lady's room with her.  I knew that meant she was going to throw up.  And sure enough, she did.  I'm usually super bad with vomit, but when my Grandmother was sick I had to learn to buck up and ignore vomit, because she was so sick she was constantly vomiting.  Gee, that may be me some day.  The rest of the night consisted of nursing Emma until she felt well enough to go home.  All three of us walked back to my house, where Emma went into the bathroom at first, and then just passed out on my couch.  She didn't go home until past 2am.  I can technically say that I slept with Emma since I was asleep for a few minutes while I sat next to her on the couch.  She's alright.

Sun Nov 15, Second thing this morning, after I hit the snooze button on my phone, I checked on my iTouch to see if it had finally come back from the dead.  Thankfully it turned on.  I have my iTouch back!  Woo!

My stomach was still feeling a little off this morning.  Fucking stomach.  I've had these problems in the past, but last night it was really bad.  I think I need to find some kind of home remedies for this stomach problem.  Then again, I could maybe see a doctor.

The weather forecast for tonight was for rain.  I thought about going to Disneyland tonight after work.  The threat of rain isn't something that would prevent me from going.  If anything, Disneyland is more fun in the rain.  However, I was tired from last night, and I didn't even take Chan with me this morning when I went to work.  I only do that on Sundays if I'm going to Disneyland.

Work was whatever.  It was my coworker's last day.  She said she didn't want to make a big deal about it.  I told T that we should just be low key.  I can't imagine my last day there.  Wonder how it would go.  If I don't find another job I'll never know.  The day wasn't too busy.  It was so, whatever.  Matter of fact, it's so whatever that now that I'm sitting here trying to think of what happened I have nothing to write about.  Hmm.  Maybe I should just end this entry.

Mon Nov 16, There isn't much to talk about tonight.  Work was work.  Although, I did spend some time on the desk this morning and afternoon.  Mainly because my former supervisor doesn't do his job correctly.  He didn't schedule anyone to prepare the desk this morning, so I did it.  He didn't have anyone scheduled to do passports, so I did it.  I went in there on Friday and the fucking chiller wasn't reset.  I FUCKING DO THAT!  I guess if I don't do it no one else does.  Fuck!

Since I haven't done passports in a while I actually fucked up on a couple.  I forgot to take the payment for one pair of passports, and I also forgot to include the birth certificate for the other.  That second one though was more a product of the mother not wanting to send in the original birth certificate.  I seriously think that she snatched it away when I wasn't looking.

I mean, whatever.  I just couldn't do anything right today.  Pseudo supervisor said that she wasn't going to show up on Mondays anymore.  Which made me think I could actually get some work done on Mondays.  Wrong.  She showed up.  She won't show up next week though.  She told me.

My visit with TheGirl tonight was uneventful.  As I write this I'm watching a video that I took of her in the Ventura harbor as she fed some seagulls behind a restaurant that was known for its fish & chips.  The thought that I was in a relationship with this woman hit me.  We had this whole affair, which turned into an honest to goodness relationship, before it turned into a tragedy.  Kinda crazy.

Tue Nov 17, The route on Tuesday is heavy for one branch, and it's enough that it can kinda throw the rest of the route into a tizzy.  Just because of the abundance of bins for this particular branch on Tuesdays.  See, we used to drive Monday through Friday.  But now we don't drive Fridays, so that branch isn't visited until Tuesday, because they're closed on Mondays.  That means an accumulation of books on Tuesday.

Every time I've had lunch at any of the branches someone there will enviably come into the break room and say something stupid, such as, "Oh, having lunch I see."  Ah yeah... I'm fucking having lunch.  I'm not performing brain surgery.  Fucking shit, I fucking hate when someone interrupts my lunch to state the obvious.  About the only person that doesn't say such idiotic things is the art librarian at Brand.  And that's only because she doesn't say anything at all.  She does have a nice butt, which would be nice to get to know.  However, she's "attached."  Whatever, it's not all that great.  My buddy and I were talking about how the Chevy branch is a bit of a sanctuary in the fucking hell hole that is the route.  Mainly because it's closed every day except Wednesdays and Saturdays.  I used to only go up there on Fridays, and since I've never driven on a Wednesday, I've never seen it open during the week.  I told my buddy that it was a good option for me to go up there and have my lunch, because it's closed and no one else is there.  Hence me going there today and having lunch.  It's a haul, especially since I was running late today.  However, it was just as I envisioned it.  I was alone.  I didn't have some idiot stating the obvious.  I didn't have someone walking in as I felt a fart come on.  I didn't have to explain what I was eat.  I didn't have to do any of that shit.  I think I'll make this a regular stop on the route.

After dinner I went back into work to be on the upstairs desk.  I could see TheDesire helping a patron downstairs (as shown above).  I like her so much.

MontereyGirl called me just as I arrived home tonight.  She wanted to talk to me about how I went to The Broad without her on Friday, despite the fact the fact that I invited her to go with me.  The truth is, I didn't want to with anyone that day.  I figured she would have forgotten about it, since she didn't text me since I invited her.  But, of course she was looking forward to the whole outing.  To make a long story short, I lied to her and told her I forgot that I invited her.  We talked for about an hour, and at the end I wondered why I even lied to her.  I lie to not hurt people's feelings.  However, right now, in this part of my life, I have emotionally made it so that I have prepared myself to walk away from every friendship I have.  I have become emotionally detached from everyone.  Except maybe TheGirl and Chan.  I'm working on TheGirl.

After getting off the phone with MontereyGirl I thought about what she asked me, "What are you doing?"  I thought immediately that the answer was that I was searching for happiness.  But the realization hit me... I am happy.  Sure, I have two whatever jobs, but I don't define my happiness by my jobs.  They do allow me to feed myself, and pay my bills, and go to Disneyland, and everything.  And the fact that I don't have a girlfriend sucks, because I would like a companion through this journey, and to have sex again.  However, I am also not waiting for someone to complete me.  I'm already complete.  Well, who can ever be complete?  What I mean to say is that I'm not waiting around for a girlfriend to validate me.  I'm me.  MontereyGirl said I was weird but interesting.  I think that's shorthand for knowing who I am.

Wed Nov 18, Today was about the details, and the details sucked dick.  Work was work.  I got in early for a morning meeting.  After spending nearly an hour on the freeway getting to work.  Fucking idiots always slow on the 101.  I was asked to make a holiday card after we all posed for a group picture.

Dinner with TheGirl tonight was a mix.  The conversation was nice, the food was terrible.  I was craving pizza, and I had chosen a place that looked like it had OK pizza.  TheGirl said it was too expensive.  Ah, I can afford it.  But, she insisted, and because of that we ended up doing to a pizza place right up the street from her.  Literally across the street.  It place looked promising online.  The reviews were kinda good, but not great.  It's a little place, more like a neighborhood thing, hence me not expecting many reviews.  Now I can review the place, and I have a better palate than the dummies that gave this place anything more than one star.  The pizza was flavorless.  I ordered TWO and some wings.  The wings were passable, but the pizza was truly terrible.  I took the second untouched pizza home with me tonight, but I honestly thought of just tossing it out.  Guess today's overall theme was flavorless.

I was going to tell TheGirl about my trip to Carmel tonight.  But I never got a chance.  I'll tell her on Monday, or before via text.  Whatever, I don't care.  She's not going with me, only Chan is going.

Thu Nov 19, Of course when I wake up in the morning I have no idea what the day has in store for me.  But, I should have guessed that today was going to be nothing but obstacles, since this week's theme seems to be obstacles.  Especially after having to go to city hall twice in one day, pushing my Tuesday's route back by over an hour.  The obstacles started at city hall this time.  There was filming going on this morning, so I had to park across the street.  Not a terrible spot, but it meant that I had to go around the block, wasting time.

Case in point, the fucking IT car parking in front of the library.  That fucking car is ALWAYS there! (pictured above) Today it was parked where I usually park the van.  But not only that, there were three other cars in the "3 minutes loading" area just sitting on their asses.  I fucking hate that the security guards don't shoo some of these idiots.  But, of course the worst of it comes from that stupid IT car sitting parked in front of the library ALL DAY!  It's always in my way, and today it caused me to fucking hit the side mirror against the book drop.

I had to crowbar the van into a spot on the conga line of cars.  I ended up parking next to the fucking book drop.  It made things that much harder to deal with.  But of course some of these idiots finally leave their spot and I figured I could park closer.  Well, dummy me thought the van was in reverse though it was really in drive.  I hit the gas and the van lunges forward about a foot before I hear a crunch.  I stopped fast, but not fast enough.  I looked at the mirror.  The actual damage was minor, but I still had to report it to the boss.  THAT was certainly fun.  However, both Herr and Thomaste looked at it and thought it was nothing but a cosmetic problem.  I know better.  The mirror is of a bit.  The tension that holds it in place is less.  That means it's prone to move.  It's probably not going to move a bit, but now it has the potential.

Whenever I go and have lunch at one of the branches, for some reason the people that work there take it as some sort of validation.  I've been having my lunch at Brand lately, the third branch I visit on the route.  I would eat earlier, since I'm usually starving.  But, I don't like eating at the two first stops.  Hence me waiting.  I can't wait any longer.  I floated the idea of me having lunch at the branch that is up in the mountains, and is hardly ever open.  It would mean driving extra, but I figured it would be a perfect place to take a relaxing break.  Sure enough, I did it on Tuesday and today and it's been great.  However, getting up there, then eating, and then going to what should be my first stop takes so much driving.  I liked not having to have some dummy coworker say something stupid like, "Having lunch, huh?"  Or, "Having lunch.. you must like this branch."  No, I just need to eat.  It shouldn't be taken as some sort of validation.  Fucking shit!

On only my second stop of the route I find the following (pictured above).  I mean what in the fucking shit hell is that parking job?  I found out that it was the former manager of this branch that parked like that.  She should know better.  I find it harder and harder to do my job because of a, "I do what I want," attitude that people seem to have been infected with.

When I returned to central of course I had to deal with obstacles, because that's the theme for today.  Another dummy parked for who knows how long in front of the library.  Fucking security guards don't help me for shit.  I'm on my own.  Once again I parked far away and had to deal with it.  Assholes!

Emma and I were going to rig this whole Secret Santa thing tonight.  But one of our other coworkers had to butt in.  I should say more accurately that he stuck around while we were doing the drawing.  I had this idea that I would draw someone other than TheDesire.  But, that she would draw me, and that way I could gauge what she thinks of me.  I seriously doubt she gives me a second thought throughout her day.  But, I'm a still trying with this girl.  I know it's a lost cause.  When I drink I know deep down inside that I need to simply walk away from her and every other woman.  The pursuit of any and all of them is a totally lost cause.  Circumstances have made it that I have the "good" fortune to not be attractive to women.  It is what it is, nothing more.  So, I'm going through with this Secret Santa thing, but I know that it's nothing but a dead end.  I feel that I need to take some time on my upcoming trip to meditate and purge my want to be with TheDesire, or any woman.

Last but not least, TheGirl went out with the "Nice Jewish boy" again tonight.  She is a glutton.  In her text she says that he's not worth her time.  I just like that she slept with him, and he did what guys do, retract after getting what he wanted, and she still lets him back in the door.  Talk about seeking validation.  She really blew it.

Fri Nov 20, Today is my day off.  Can I enjoy it by staying home?  Nope.  One factor is my cousin's kids.  The main factor keeping me from staying home on my ONE fucking day off is my aunt.  I don't want to deal with her twenty questions.  Hence me bolting and going to work.  I had thought of goig to Disneyland this morning, but the rush hour traffic would have meant that it would have taken me nearly two hours to get to the park.  By that time I would have wanted to just take a nap.  I can wait till Sunday night after work.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I was going to go with TheGirl this Sunday morning, but she has plans.  I forget what she told me she was doing.  And, I'm going to out of town the next Sunday.  We made plans for December 6th.

Now comes the little matter of a little photo contest run by National Geographic.  I've submitted my work in the past, only to probably not even make the first round.  But, I'm going to try again.

Sat Nov 21, My new neighbor is working on the house next door.  He's going to flip the house after he's done fixing it up.  There were some plants out in the front that shielded my window from the street.  Just a tiny bit.  But, since this drought is going on, my pines are dying.  Couple that with the neighbor cutting the plants in front of his house, and you now have a more unobstructed view from my window, and into my window.  I tend to keep the blinds down, but sometimes I do open them.  Especially in the winter.  I think I might have to find a way to cover things up, while still letting in some cool air.  That's in the future though.

Today at work I left a little handwritten note on TheDesire's desk that said, "Merry Christmas."  I should have taken a picture of it, but I was in a rush.  A couple of hours later TheDesire came down to circulation and walked by me and said, "Happy Easter," and hit me on the back.  Hard.  We have such little physical contact, that something like the little "love tap" is monumental in my mind.  But, it probably means nothing.

I entered the photo contest.  I could enter more than one image, but really I don't even want to put any effort into anything these days.

Sun Nov 22, I woke up feeling rather sick.  Last night I felt a tickle in my throat, and I figured today I would feel worse.  Sure enough, I felt worse.  As I write this it's 9pm and I feel I'm fully sick.  My throat hurts, my body is achy, and when I arrived home I ate and passed out.  I heard my aunt come in the door, but I hardly flinched.  She came by my room about an hour late, when I had awaken from my unscheduled nap.

Work today was whatever.  I wasn't as sick then, just sick of the people.  I'm sick of people.  Then I got the news from Emma that of the the people who was participating in secret Santa wasn't coming to the dinner.  She should have said something earlier.  It's her birthday, so she knew she wasn't going to come early on.  Worst part is that she was supposed to get my buddy something, since dummy Shay rejected the notion and Emma volunteered to switch with Shay.  It's all a fucking mess, and it has left a bad taste in my mouth about those people.  I just texted my buddy saying, "I've been thinking a lot about the future - not just next year but years into the future - people are less and less, day by day, not worth the effort - I love TheDesire, but her not giving me a legitimate chance is her fatal flaw - any time someone has given me a chance I kill myself to make them know it wasn't a mistake and I'm certainly not saying this is what you should do with Shay - but this Xmas thing should be your gauge to see if you want to continue to pursue her - because ultimately she may not be worth your precious time."

He agrees that this secret Santa thing is going to be a gauge.  I don't want to tell him that I know Shay rejected wanting to give him a gift.  My buddy is a good man, and deserves better than that.  I just know that from this point forward Shay is on my shit list.  Snow, no more effort put into that one either.  TheDesire?  This is the final push.  Though I FUCKING KNOW that it's a futile endeavor.  I feel I still have to try, for my own sake.  Nevertheless, I'm not holding my breath.  I should just kiss her and be done with it.  It can be the one and only kiss that we share for all I care.  It will be my good-bye kiss, I guess.

I didn't figure that this secret Santa thing would be so much drama, but it has turned into a clusterfuck.  It makes me renew my indifference towards people.  It makes me wish I could just go up into a cave and work on my photography and never see anyone again.  It makes me hate people.  So yeah, I'll be a misanthrope for the rest of my life.  Oh well.

Mon Nov 23, I had a thought today as I was listening to my coworker T talk about how she was asked to be married.  I'll never have that problem.  I'll never have to ask a woman to marry me.  I'll never know what it's like to be a father.  To have a family.  I'll never have a wife.  I'll simply be a bachelor all my life.  I'm not making any judgements, but that's my lot in life.  To not know these things.  I've known love, thankfully.  Yet, I'll never know these things.  Part of it is my own dumb "luck."  But now it's also my choice.  I'm too old for any of these things.  I don't have any prospects in the near or distant future.  I'm done.  I would say that I've made my peace with this idea, but really it's not about that.  I've made my choice to simply be that "confirmed" bachelor for the rest of my life.  I'm OK with that.

Tonight, during my Monday night visit to TheGirl's, she mentioned ONCE AGAIN that this Saturday would have been her twenty-eighth wedding anniversary.  Meh.  I don't know why she says "Would have been," since she's still married to TheHusband.  Whatever.  I don't know why she brings this up to me at all, since to me this means nothing.  Honestly, it doesn't matter to me.  However, what she did remind me last night was that five years ago, when we were seeing each other, she disappeared during Thanksgiving.  Here she had left TheHusband, we were going to spend our first Thanksgiving together, and she just bolted to Solvang.  That moment hurt to much.  I should have known at that point that our relationship was doomed.  Her disappearing was an omen, and foretold how she would eventually walk away.  I remember talking to her on the phone that day and telling her how I thought she and I were going to hang out that day.  I remember her telling me that she needed some alone time.  We eventually had dinner at the Valley Inn, but it was not a formal dinner.  It was an emotional mess.

Tue Nov 24, I've been collecting change all year.  I finally got around to exchanging them for paper money.  I ended up collecting about $110 in coins.  But, with the price of counting them from one of those machines at the market, I ended up with $98.  Still a good haul.  Money I'll use for the trip.  I still have $120 in quarters that I wrapped in those cylinders.  But I didn't exchange or deposit that money... yet.

I had planned on going to Disneyland today, because I hadn't been there in a while, and because I figured it wouldn't be super crowded today.  Boy, was I wrong.  It was a crowded as I've seen it there.  I was only able to ride the Monorail.  And that was mostly because I didn't want to walk to downtown Disney.  Having a cold didn't help either.  I didn't have the energy to really deal with the amounts of people.  Every major attraction had at least an hour wait.  No thanks.  I took the Monorail, got off and had a sandwich, and then just went home.  I should have known better.  My cousin's kids are out of school, which means a lot of other kids are out of school.  I should have figured the park would have been packed.  Oh well, live and learn.

Being sick sure didn't help me today.  I drove to work after taking a short nap in the Disneyland parking structure.  At work parking I decided to take an even longer nap, since I wasn't feeling well.  I slept for about an hour and a half.  Yeah, I was that tired.  I would have slept longer, but I had plans to eat dinner with my buddy.  The nachos I had for dinner were good, and my full belly was dragging me into dreamland as I walked into work.  But, it wasn't all bad at work.  There was TheDesire.

I worked late again today.  Which means a visit to TheDesire's desk.  But first I worked with her on the circ. desk.  She was still talking about buying a car tonight.  She must REALLY want a new car.  Though, it's poignant that she constantly says, "I don't know what I want."  It's telling.  I went upstairs after spending the hour with her on the desk.  She's just wonderful, and cute.  There was a moment where I stood next to her and I could have just laid one on her.

Upstairs I took a few minutes to draw her another name.  I noticed her desk had been cleaned.  No sign of the old name I drew.  Actually, I was going to leave her a note saying something about Gastby.  I even went and got her a copy, since she was talking about how she hasn't read much lately.  Just one book this year.  If it wasn't for audiobooks I would have read zero books this year.

Wed Nov 25, I woke up feeling tired, and still nursing this damn cold.  I best be nearly 100% by tomorrow morning.  For sure by Friday, when I'm planning on hitting the ground running.

I didn't want the same old dumb lunch today.  I usually drive down the road to get some food at Carl's, or Jack in the crack.  But today I went to a place I hadn't been to in years.  A little joint two blocks from the library.  Oh yes, in the picture the food looks good.  But it was flavorless.  I wonder if it's just me.  Could it be I can't taste any more?  No, that can't be true since I do eat other things, tasty things, and they taste good.

My shift on the desk was quiet.  The kids were released early today, so what is normally a wave of kids at 3pm was nothing but a trickle. 

Dinner with TheGirl was nice.  Nothing much to report.  She mentioned again how this Saturday she was going to have lunch, or dinner, whatever, with TheHusband.  It would have been their twenty-eighth anniversary.  Ah, technically they're still married so it is their anniversary.  I know they aren't together, but yeah.  I'm not sure why she keeps bringing this up to me.  Still, a couple of margaritas later I didn't care.  She wished my luck on my trip.  Said she wishes she was going with me.  Hey, that's on her.  I would take her, but now she has to bring her dog in tow.  That complicates matters.  We'll see though, it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility.

Thu Nov 26, Travel day arrived, but my body was not moving like o was about to go on an adventure.  Rather I was barely getting up, as if I were going to work.  Not good.  I finally did get going.  I took a shower, got a little food in my belly, and was on the road by 8:18am.  Last time I was on the road an hour earlier.  No rush though.  As long as I was on the road earlier than the rest of the dummies.

I made good time.  I stopped at my favorite place, Linn's cafe, for some food.

I made a quick stop at Moonstone Beach before hitting the road again.  There were too many people there for me to really enjoy my time there.  I think this is going to be the theme for this trip, dodging people.

Upon arriving in the Carmel area I decided to go get some food before checking in at my hotel.  On my previous trips during Thanksgiving I know that most of the restaurants are closed, or close early.  I drove down to the Carl's Jr. in Pacific Grove.  The burgers at Carl's used to be a lot better.  Now they are awful.  But, I was hungry, and I didn't have much choice.  As seems to be the norm, there was one other person in the joint.

Having some food in my belly it was time to check-in at my hotel.  My room was nice, and it has one of them there Dutch doors.  Which I think will come in handy during this visit.  I settled in for the night.

Oh, but that was premature.  Sure enough, around 9 o'clock I was getting hungry.  I went out to see what I could find open, though I knew I had nearly zero chance at finding something open.  Not surprisingly I found nothing open.  Correction, I found a couple of places, but was told they were closing up.  Serves me right for not prepared.  I'm always prepared.

Fri Nov 27, A few weeks ago I was talking to my buddy about my plans for this trip.  I told him that I hadn't finalized any of my plans.  I usually have plans down before I go on these trips.  However, this time I didn't finalize any plans.  Not because I didn't want to, but rather because I didn't have the time to make big sweeping plans.  Every time I tried I would get interrupted by some idiot patron or pseudo supervisor.  I had what you might call "ideas" of what I wanted to do.  That said, my notes still gave me plenty of ideas of where to go today.  My choice this morning was Point Lobos.

I know to arrive early to Point Lobos.  Because of the fact that it's so close to Carmel it quickly gets packed with people.  As a matter of fact, when I was leaving I overheard two docents talk about how they weren't letting any more cars into the park.  They were only allowing people walking into the park.

THIS is why I arrive early.  I was second in line this morning, arriving at 7:55am.  This afforded me the chance to part in the front row!

I went to take a picture of The Old Veteran first.  I NEEDED to take this picture.  It was freezing when I took this picture.  My weather app on my phone said it was 37 degrees in Carmel.  I could hardly keep the camera steady to take the photo.

As I reached the trailhead after walking back to my car, a guy comes up to me and asks if I know where a certain trail is located.  How come everyone always knows to ask me questions?  I actually did know where the trail was, or so I thought.  I didn't know the name, but I knew it was at the southern end of the park.  He walked away, but that's when I checked on my phone, and sure enough I found the trail.  He and his friend weren't too far ahead of me, so I went over there to tell him about the trail.  Sure enough, I ended up walking down there with the two of them.

Even before reaching China Cove I was wondering how I would ditch these two.  When they said they were going to go up a certain trail I said my good-bye and part d always with them.  It wasn't until after I did that I started really taking pictures in earnest.

I took a bunch of pictures by the time I reached my car.  I didn't want to leave right away, so I didn't make a move towards my car, because right away someone sees me doing this and figures that they want my spot.  This is why I went straight to a bench at the trailhead and sat there.  I was texting my buddy about how the park was getting packed with people.  He replied, "No way."  Yes way.  This is when I overheard the docents talking.  I stuck around the trailhead for about a half hour while I checked the photos I took, and decided where I wanted to go eat.  I had not had breakfast, so by this time I was starving.

More people were still showing up though, and I knew this was my cue to leave.  By then I had decided to go to First Awakenings in Pacific Grove for a late breakfast.  I made my way out of the park, and drove up to my next stop.

Google Maps seemed to steer me the wrong way, so I thought.  That is until I found myself right in front of my destination.  And better yet, there was a parking spot right there.  I figured since I was alone that it would take less time for me to be seated, but not here.  It's just too busy.

I was eventually seated, and I ordered food like I had not eaten in days.  Last night I was hungry.  So much so I went out to find some food.  Course, it being Thanksgiving nearly all the places I went to were closed.  So yeah, I was starving this morning by the time I had breakfast at nearly 12:30pm.  Believe it or not I ordered a chicken fried steak with eggs and potatoes, along with a pancake and bacon on the side.  I finished nearly everything, I was so hungry.  I was so stuffed that I knew I would have to take a nap in my car, and so I did.  I put so much money in the meter that even after my twenty minute wait for a table, and me eating I still had nearly 40 minutes left on the meter.  I decided to take a nice nap.  I woke up thanks to my alarm, which I set before going to get breakfast.  I woke up and decided I needed to visit the Monarch butterfly sanctuary.  The butterflies at the sanctuary were beautiful.  The people there reminded me why I want to be alone.

Every dummy was there, it seemed.  I could not help but think of a quote from the book "Heart of Darkness" when thinking of these dopes at Lobos and butterfly sanctuary, and here it is:

"They trespassed upon my thoughts.  They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretense, because I felt so sure they could not possibly know the things I knew.  Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their business in the assurance of perfect safety...."

I'm so tired of people.

Last night I was hungry, but dummy me didn't fortify myself with some food so I wouldn't be hungry in the middle of the night.  Today I went to a great little sandwich shop and bought myself a sandwich, aka food insurance for later.  The market where I bought the sandwich also has a bunch of sodas.  I found that they sold the newly revived New York seltzer sodas.  I grabbed two root beers, which I now think should have been one root beer and one black cherry, which were always my favorites growing up.  Good thing I did, because after going back to my room, and passing out from how tired I was, I woke up hungry.

Now, I'm here writing this entry as I text my buddies Vagabundo and Dane.  I passed out earlier, which means I'm wide awake now.  A little whiskey will cure that.

Sat Nov 28, I had no idea what I wanted to do this morning.  Waking up "late" this morning lessened my options.  As a matter of fact, I was hungry when I woke up.  My plan to hit Big Sur early was shot.  My plans to go to Garrapata were also shot, since on my way there I noticed I was really hungry.  I decided to get food first, at the Big Sur River Inn.  I pulled up and they sat me down.  I ordered a pulled pork sandwich, which was pretty good.

I finished and went back to the car.  I was feeling a little sleepy, so I decided to take a short nap.  That short nap turned into a long nap, nearly two hours long.  When I woke up I thought about how here it was nearly 2:30 and I had done nothing today but eat and sleep.  Even after two hours I was still sleepy, and wanted to return to sleep.  But I cleared the cobwebs as best I could and got back on the road.

The nap turned out to be a good thing, since the sun moved to a better place.

I made it to Garrapata and took a bunch of pictures.  Any time a person neared my location I simply moved away.  Garrapata was beautiful, and I was able to get a lot of photos.  However, I wonder if any of them rises to the point of art.  They're pleasant pictures, but I can consider them art.  All I did was point the camera and hit the shutter.  I didn't do much composition.  Having taken the photos I started back to Carmel.

As I reached the Carmel Highlands I pulled into a vista point.  The place has a great view of this one area that is stunning.  However, this time the sun wasn't in a good spot, and the usual photo I get was out of the question.  Yet, the other side of the vista point offered some stunning views as well (as pictured above).

But then there always has to be a negative.  When I arrived at the vista point a guy was parking in front of me.  As you can see in the cluster of photos about this idiot took two spaces.  There are no lines for the spaces, but you can clearly see that he parked between two cars, in a space that allows for another car to fit in that space.  Moments later one of the dopes from the car emerges from the passenger's seat, and in one move unlocks his phone and then lights a cigarette.  Not happy with that, this fool walks towards my direction and casts a plume of smoke on me.  It smelled so bad.  It's morons like this one that intrude into my world and make me sick of humans.

When I returned to home base I walked into the lobby for my free wine.  The lady there tonight was one I met last year, who tried to fix me up with one of the other guests.  We talked about relationships for a little while.  She was really pleasant and then turned on a dime and excused herself.  I took that as my cue to leave.

I wasn't sure where I wanted to eat.  I flipped a coin in my head and picked Chinese.  The place I picked was PACKED.  When I arrived they told me that it would be an hour for take-out.  An hour?!  Yes, said the guy taking the orders.  Maybe I looked hungry, or pathetic, or both, because a moment later he asks me if I'm getting orange chicken.  I tell him yes, and with that he says that he'll have it ready in a few minutes.  I paid him $20 for a $13 meal.  I was just that thankful.

I returned to my room and wolfed down the meal as I watched "Casablanca."  That meal served as a sleeping pill.  I was out like a light.  Which is a good thing, since tomorrow is my last complete day here in Carmel.  I still don't know what I'll do, but waking up early is the priority so that whatever I pick I will have the time to do it right.

Sun Nov 29, Not wanting to repeat my sleeping in yesterday and my seemingly wasted morning, I woke up early today and drove down to Julia Pfeiffer Burns state park.  It's a significant drive.  It took me nearly an hour to get down there.  But it was well worth it, and was the highlight of this trip.

This is the same trail that made me fall in love with Big Sur all these years ago when I came up here the first time.  Even the beauty of Garrapata doesn't move me as much as this canyon does.  Once again I found myself in this special place.  It was quiet, with very few people around.  They were in the distance, and they didn't trespass on my moments here.  It's a rare thing on this trip, since everywhere I go there seems to be some idiot being an idiot in my face.

Which makes me wonder why these people come here.  I see so many people looking at their phones, taking selfies, doing everything except enjoying this moment to be one with nature.  That is why I love this trail.  Beyond any other trail it is the place where I am one with the world, with the universe.  But the funny thing is, I couldn't remember which way I went that fateful day so many years ago.  I went up one trail and I found a waterfall that looked very familiar, but at the same time didn't feel familiar.  It was strange, because I felt so at one with the place, but it felt to me as if it had chanced.  Certainly a place like this is dynamic, and has a way of changing over the years.  But this felt like it had changed so much more than possible.

I doubled back, remembering that the last time I did this same thing, and went up the other canyon.  But then once again I felt like it was familiar, but not familiar.  I kept going until I couldn't go any further, and I reached this waterfall that seemed new to me.  There was a root hanging from a tree that beckoned me to climb it and continue.  But this trek wasn't about returning to that waterfall.  Maybe not just yet.  Perhaps soon.  For now I was happy with this walk.  I had come here to relive a little bit of what made that day so long ago special.  Just being there, in the quiet I regained that feeling.  I didn't care that I didn't visit that waterfall from long ago.  I was here, and that's what matters.

I slowly made my way back to my car.  Near the part where the trail splits off I found a sight that was familiar to me.  This fallen tree (pictured above) was something I DO remember from long ago that looks the same as before.

As I reached the start of the trailhead I sat down for a few minutes to simply enjoy the moment.  But, of course more people were showing up, and were walking passed me.  Each person seemed to focus on me, and I felt like they were puzzled by this person simply sitting on a rock looking out into the trees.  Sorry.  Again I ask, why do they come to these places if not to simply be?  It's always about some goal to get to the end of the trail, or how many miles they hiked.  This place isn't about measuring one's stride.  It's about listening to the silence, the stream, and the birds.  It's about enjoying the rustle of the leaves, and the moment of quiet.  Away from others.  Of course others have to intrude and totally defeat the purpose of this place.

It was time to head back.  But not before taking some pictures of the Big Sur view.

I arrived back in Carmel, well, just outside of Carmel in some shops that are clearly there to serve those in Carmel.  But, since Carmel doesn't want chain stores, this place exists just down the road.  Because this is where all the chain stores are located.  I was interested in some fish & chips.  A couple of years ago I went with TheGirl to a place in Monterey that has good fish & chips.  This is its sister store.  No one was there when I arrived, so I was seated immediately.  I ordered up my meal and in a few I was at it.  It was good.  After Pfeiffer Burns I needed it.

Tired and full of food I returned to my room, where I watched some football.  Oh yeah, it's Sunday.

The only other thing I knew I had the energy for was going to dinner at Club Jalapeno.  It's sorta a tradition for me now.  Good food, and good booze.  I had tried to go Thursday night, but of course it was closed for Thanksgiving.  But, I had seen a sign that said they were doing some renovations.  So it was my surprise when I walked by the place yesterday to find a big line of people waiting to get in.  I ordered up my meal, and some drinks, and was in a good place.

After dinner I didn't want to go straight to my room.  I walked around a little.  Everything was closed, of course.  The warmth I felt from the booze was starting to wear off, so I headed back to my room.  There I finished up the bottle of whiskey I bought on Thursday.

Mon Nov 30, My normal weekday alarm woke me up at 6:30 this morning.  It forced me to get up and shower and be on the road early.  But that's fine.  I wanted to get home at a reasonable time.  I never took advantage of the breakfast in the lobby.  The last time I stayed here I noticed the breakfast was lacking.  I wanted some eggs.  No eggs.  So I knew that I wasn't going to want any this visit.  I had the 2nd half of the sandwich I bought the other day.  I knew that I would eat it on the road, when I found a nice little place to enjoy a picnic.  I said good-bye to the room, turned in my key and was on the road.

I couldn't resist taking a picture of Chan next this sign that announces the next park coming up.  That is one photogenic monkey.

When I felt a little hungry I found the next turnoff and parked there.  I figured I might get a visitor that wanted to stop at this turnoff, and enjoy the view.  I didn't think it would be less than five minutes before some dope parked right behind me and disturbed my picnic.  What did I expect though?  I was there for nearly half an hour, and this dope was there for nearly ten minutes.  I mean come on!  Ten minutes?  Why?  Just because I was there, that's why.  My other visitor was a bird, which I attempted to feed.  But, it just got scared and flew away.  The bird was a much more welcomed visitor, to say the least.

I made good time all the way down the coast.  I stopped off at Andersen's in Buelton for some food.  Last time I came here, back in October when I went up to San Simeon, I didn't much like the soup.  This time the open face turkey sandwich was much better.  And it wasn't so huge that I couldn't move after my meal.  I ate, filled the tank up with gas and went on my merry way back home.

It was a good trip overall.  The extra day did help since I used that day to go down to Pfeiffer Burns on a day when most people are heading out of Big Sur.  Also, I didn't feel rushed, since I always had another day to make up for what I missed.  I'm not sure I'll go back next year.  At this point I do love going up there, but it is time to explore new lands, so to speak.  Still, I don't want to ever not go to Big Sur.  I'd like to return with a special someone, and show her the sights I've seen.  Yeah, right.