Hard to believe it's already April 2015.  Here's the update on this last month, which has been interesting.

Sun Mar 1, Today I didn't have my partner in crime on the reference desk.  She was off at Disneyland enjoying Dapper Day.  I wanted to go after work, but I was tired, and I didn't want to deal with the crowds.  Even though it rained, I knew most people would not leave, since they were there on a special price ticket.  The shift was pretty hectic.  The substitute was good, but she didn't know some little things, so I became the de facto expert on everything.  It meant I had to carry more of the load today.  Which is fine, but at the same time I was also just tired.  At least no one got in my face today.  I was short with one patron that wanted me to linger while I restarted the computer.  I don't need to stand there while the fucking thing cycles through.  It's gonna be alright without me watching it.  These damn patrons are so fucking demanding.

When I got home I was greeted with a now completely functioning bathroom.  Woo!  This saga, which began just over two weeks ago, is done!  And it only cost about $15,000.  A drop in the bucket of my debt.  But, at least I won't have to worry about this damn plumbing for twenty years.. I hope!

I mentioned, in passing, in the presence of TheDesire, that I wanted to go see the LA Phil.  I think TheDesire thought I was inviting her.  I wasn't.  I really wasn't.  I thought this would blow over, but today she texted me to ask about the LA Phil schedule.  I obliged and left it at that.  I'm doing my best to just be TheDesire's friend.  It's certainly not easy, what with a definite connection I feel for her.  I'm setting that aside, or at least trying to, in my interactions with her.  I just want to be her friend.  And I know that we would only go as friends.  I gave myself some time off from her, from talking to her, in order to deal with the feelings I still had for her.  I'm not sure I gave myself enough time.  When I started talking to her again I thought I did give it enough time.  But now I wonder.  I would still love to hang out with her, but I have to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything other than that we're friends.  I always remember it, but I don't want to have a moment where I think different.

Mon Mar 2, Not much to report workwise.  Work is just work.  Got some things done.  When I arrived at Glendale they asked me to stay an hour later than usual, to cover an event that was happening.  I said yes, knowing that it meant I wasn't going to be able to go by TheGirl's for a visit.  But then at the last minute the event ended earlier than expected, at my regular time off.  But, because I was going to stay late, but didn't stay late TheGirl thought it a good idea to go to sleep early.  So Chan and I didn't go visit her tonight.  That's fine.  But of course as soon as I get home, after all this shit dealing with the pipes, I thought I would have a quiet homecoming.  However, my aunt tells me that my Godmother's housing papers still haven't gone through.  I don't know how that is possible.  It is a good thing that I asked for an extension when I filled out the paperwork online last month.  My aunt needs to step up and do this for her.  I can't do this.  I don't have the time.  I count on my aunt taking care of most of this.  However, my aunt feels differently.  I'm just so tired of coming home and having some crisis thrown at my face when I've had a long and useless day, and all I want to do is just rest.  Fucking tired of the "crisis of the week" thing my aunt always seems to have for me when I come home.  No one can do anything for themselves, including her.  It's like I'm dealing with adult babies.  I fucking hope never to be like that.  I'll throw myself off a bridge before I let myself get that way.

I entered the Los Angeles Festival of books photo contest.  Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Wed Mar 4, Work was once again hectic.  Had my morning class, and then my shift, which on Wednesdays always starts are hectic.  But at this point it's par for the course.  Still, some times the patrons do get on my nerves.

TheGirl told me last week that she would have to change her work schedule, because one of the bosses at work thought it would be more fair if everyone started and ended work at the same time.  So, now TheGirl has to leave work at 5pm, instead of 4:30pm.  This added time not only pushes her whole evening back, but adds to commute time.  Tonight's solution was for her to go out and give her dog a walk while I picked up some food from a local restaurant.  Gotta say, at least this first time, it came off like clockwork.  We talked about this idea of mine to write a book based on Chan.  Details of that later.  Suffice to say, I think I can make this happen.  I can't write a 200 page book, but I think I can write a 15 page book.  I better be able to, otherwise I should turn my degree back to the school that gave it to me.

During dinner I received an email reply from TheDesire.  I sent her an email a couple of days back explaining to her why I didn't submit "Life's Elegy" to the Westways photo contest.  Mainly because "Life's Elegy" was taken outside of the eligible time period.  She responded saying that the photo was "Gorgeous," and "It's a depressing photo lol again, maybe that's the mood that I am in so I see things in what way... But it's also very powerful... Like after a storm there is the calmness of things.  I keep looking at it."

Thu Mar 5, I went into work today, and guess who was there.  MicroManager.  She's back.  She took my hand, left hand not right hand to right hand, and then gave me a hug.  She was joking and laughing.  I also noticed that she was limping slightly.  I also noticed that there was a walker in her office, when I was leaving the library today.  She looked happy to be back, and of course most of my coworkers looked absolutely shocked to see her.  We had no idea she was coming back today.  There was no warning.  Despite the enthusiasm she didn't seem as in charge of her faculties as in the past.  She asked me if I was working tomorrow, Friday.  I told her, "Of course."  She responded, "Are you driving?"  Ah, yeah, I said.  I've been driving on Fridays for a few months now, and have always worked on Fridays in general.  Something isn't quite right.  Maybe she hit her head when she broke whatever bone she broke.  I suspect that it might have had hip replacement surgery.  It would explain her absence, and why she's limping around now.  I don't know much about breaking a bone, but in watching others they don't have that much of a presentable limp after healing up.  Of course, I could be wrong, but it's something that I suspect.  We'll see if the actual story ever comes out.  Not very likely.

Some other things that came up today are as follows.  My buddy told me that the seal around the side door had come off.  This happened to me a few weeks ago, but I fixed it.  Well, I guess not good enough.  Now the problem is that this morning I went to the van and noticed how bad the seal really was.  I reattached it, and did a little surgery on the remaining piece.  It's all set now.  When I got back from the route I noticed that I had only been scheduled from 9am to 2pm.  I went over by an hour!  When I drove over to the garage some idiot was parked in the van's spot.  I found security and they placed a warning ticket on their windshield.  Between the two jobs today I went to a different place to get dinner.  I ordered a pastrami sandwich, which was pretty terrible.  I was hungry, so I ate it all.  However, there was a moment that I considered tossing it and ordering something else.

I wrote TheDesire back tonight while at San Marino.  I told her in the email that, "I take photos of that which I find beautiful.  It's my personal journey through this world."  She's one of those beautiful things I photographed.  I'm glad she posed for me once, because the photos of her are some of the most beautiful photos I've taken.

Fri Mar 6, The route today was somewhat interesting.  One thing I want to point out is this thing about the branches doing some silly stuff.  My buddy was saying how one branch earlier in the week put out a bunch of books on a cart because they didn't have any more bins.  Well, I encountered the same thing on my route today (pictured above, left).  In addition to books not being in a bin, I had two bags of books that were "donations" and I had to take to my next stop.  I fucking hate donations!  Most of them just go in the trash.  At my next stop the bins were all jacked up.  One big was completely filled, while the other was left about half full.  This makes no fucking sense.  Why can't they distribute this correctly?  Why must this shit happen?  If a bin is filled to the top it makes it more prone to fall when I make a turn in the van.  ARGH!

I mentioned yesterday that MicroManager is back (she calls her "Gigi").  I texted my coworker So-so to gauge the office for me, now that MicroManager is back.  The above picture shows our conversation.  I have no idea why she answered "Yes" to my question.  Or why she couldn't just SCROLL UP to see what my question was.  ARGH!  I like my coworker, she's really cool.  But this kind of shit has been happening with her for the last couple of months.  She seems totally out of it.  I know her excuse is that she hates that job, and therefore doesn't pay too much attention to it.  BUT, come on, a text is not work.  We're having a conversation here.  How much effort does it take to scroll up and view my question?  So-so has proven to be a bad source of information now.  Or like my buddy says, she's bad intel.

I finished up the route and went to dinner.  The food was terrible, but something interesting happened while I was eating.  The LA Phil called me about tickets.  This, a day after TheDesire said she really wants to go to the Disney concert hall.. with me!  Woo hoo!  I told the guy I was interested, because I am, but that he caught me at dinner and I would have to think about it.  It's a big bunch of money, about $500 for four concerts, per person.  I'm not sure TheDesire wants that kind of commitment.  I was just looking to go once, but what do I know?  Maybe if they combined the tickets to the Disney hall with the Hollywood Bowl into the package, I would do it.  That way I could do a pair of concerts in each venue.  I'll look into it.

What puzzles me is this sudden interest from TheDesire.  I'm trying not to hope that this means something, because of course it doesn't.  It just means she wants someone to do these things with, and that someone happens to be me.  Her friend.  HER FRIEND.  I'm just her friend, and that's how I see it.  Yes, she's pretty.  Yes, she's wonderful.  Yes, I wanted her to be in my life forever and ever.  But that's in the past.  Er, in the present?  No, no, of course it's not an active thought in my mind any more.  I'm just her friend.  I don't intend on going down that path where I get a crush on her again.  No.  That doesn't help this situation.

After dinner I went back to the grind.  I don't know why MicroManager only gave me a one hour dinner break.  A two hour one would have allowed me to take a nap.  Oh well, I played with Chan a little while back in my car.  That energized me for the long night ahead of me.  Originally the event was to end at 9pm, but then they extended it to 10pm.  Fucking long day, 9am start to 10pm at night?  That's just fucking nuts, but I did it.  Somehow.

On my way home I hit the 80,000 mile mark on the car.  Three and a half years and I've driven 80,000 miles.  Seems impossible, but I do have a 50 mile round trip commute every day.  Those miles add up quickly.  Here's to the next 80,000 miles.

Sat Mar 7, I didn't do much today.  My aunt was out of the house, so I finally had a Saturday off in peace.  Naturally I took the opportunity to get some things done.  First I jerked off, and then jerked off again.  Yes, twice.  Why not?  Then I ate, and enjoyed the rest of the day to myself.  I knew my aunt was going to be out all day, and last night I tried texting Talia to see if she would come over for some fun.  It would have been unnecessary for me to jerk-off if Talia had come over.  But, it wasn't meant to be.

I spent the majority of the day watching videos online while working on my submission for yet another try at getting into this gallery at work.  I might say that forth time is the charm, but I haven't gotten in yet.  While looking at my photos and doing some editing, I came across the above photo of TheDesire.  The pictures I took of her three years ago still yield some great photos.  I go through them and I nearly always find one I want to edit and post.  But I don't want so many photos of her online.  Just a few select photos.  Ah, what might have been.  I thought about including the photo of TheDesire in my submission package, but then thought better of it.  Better rely on my nature work this time.  I included some recent pictures of Point Lobos and Big Sur.  I hope that forth time is the charm.

Sun Mar 8, Daylight's saving time didn't cause me to wake up too tired this morning.  Maybe it's a delayed reaction though.  Work was just work.  Kinda busy, but not really.  I was just looking forward to getting off work and going to Disneyland.  I bolted and got down there in near record pace.

After work I bolted down to Disneyland.  The 5 was surprisingly not filled with cars, and I made it down really fast.  When I arrived I took about six ounces of whiskey down my gullet in about three big gulps.  I was flying.  I went into the park, had an Italian sausage thing that I wanted to try for a while, and then went on some rides.  The sausage thing was yummy, but the bread was meh.  I went on so many rides, because the lines were no more than ten minutes.  I went on: Haunted Mansion, Pirates, Autopia, Buzz Lightyear, Small world, and the Tiki room.  I also had so much to eat.  In addition to the Italian sausage I had a funnel cake and Dole whip.  It was a great fucking night to be at Disneyland.  I wish more nights were like last night.  Not too full, and awesome.

Mon Mar 9, I hate that people come into the library and have their phones on full blast, and not turn off the ringer.  It's bullshit, and just reminds me how much I hate people.  I've come to calling everyone that is inconsiderate a "Adult baby," because that's what they are.  To try to stem the tide of idiocy I decided to create a sign for the front door of the library that said, "please silence cell phones and refrain from speaking loudly."  Well, apparently that's like the worst thing I could have done.  When I was back in my office the boss arrived and ripped down my sign.  My coworker told me about it.  Told me that the boss didn't like it.  That reminded me that this job is not my place, and that I should just not give a fuck.  My buddy as been preaching the idea of NFG, no fucks given.  I think he's right.  I think the era of us caring about these jobs should be over.  And I'm declaring it over, right here and now.  The nature of who we are will assure that we still do a better than 9/10ths of our fellow employees.  Still, the both of us have stated that we're going to dial it down quite a big.  Again, we will still easily cruise to best employee, but it's all about keeping our sanity.  No one gives a fuck, so why should we?  I'm just going to give a fuck about my life, my desires and goals.  Fuck work!  Both my jobs can shove it.  They have both lost what little humanity they contained in the past.

I went over to TheGirl's and she was telling me that she has to have her heart monitored.  They think she might have some sort of arrhythmia, but the doctor has to hook her up to some machine that will monitor her for 24 hours this coming Wednesday.  Dang.  TheGirl also lost her old phone.  She bought herself a new one today.  She wanted me to help set-up a couple of apps, such as Pandora.  During the process she received a text from TheChisel.  Just great.  I didn't read it, I just handed it over to her.  Whatever!  Doesn't mean shit to me.

Tue Mar 10, I'm really focusing on not giving a shit today.  It was actually fairly easy.  My buddy asked if I thought it would be hard, and so far it's like falling off a log.  It's been super easy.  I've really dialed it down at both jobs.  I will not going above and beyond any more.  Well, maybe on a rare occasion.  But really it's time to just giving a flying fuck.  One thing I should really give a fuck about is everyone's actions, but it's difficult.  I do care about things.  This thing above, people parking head out, in the parking structure seems to be a new thing.  I don't know why this has become a thing, but it has.  I don't like it one bit.  But, I won't bitch about it, I'll just upload it here and share the idiocy that is people today.  I fucking hate people and the inconsiderate things they do.  I think that's why I hate this shit even though I don't know why exactly.  Somehow this feels like they are being inconsiderate to someone.

At my "Dale" job the boss sent out an emailed entitled "Goals, priorities and re-organization."  To cut to the chase, it is not so much an email as a knife ready to carve up the library into indistinguishable pieces.  Some bullet points.

* "We" weathered the storm, but we won't hire new people in order to keep work levels up for all employees.  In other words, they won't lighten the load they placed on our shoulders when they asked us to do more work for the same money.

* "Several Branches will be re-imagining their services to match community need."  In other words, we've run out of ideas, but we're going to pretend we have new ideas that will revitalize the library.

* "We will continue to consider and re-imagine services," at Central.  Once again, they don't know what the fuck they're doing, but they're going to come up with some worthless ideas that help no one, like this one desk bullshit.  The one desk idea is crap, mainly because it makes people who are not librarians do librarian duties, and vice versa.

* "Use of buildings beyond traditional core service."  If we can't come up with anything else we'll just sell our space for rent and hope that some dope will pay us to use our grimy hall.  The ideas of libraries as depositories of information is now being replaced by this idea that we have to be the Apple store.  We're not a retailer.  We're a library. 

We do things that are guaranteed to lose money.  But that money is given to us because while we lose money on a ledger, the community is richer for having us around.  An individual can buy a book here and there, but only a select few can buy hundreds of books that they will read only once.  We are here as a service to the whole community.  Putting that aside for some idea that we will "re-imagine" what we do is turning our back on what we are.  I should apply my new found NFG attitude to this, but at the same time there are some windmills that have to be fought.  This is definitely one of them.  Then again, since I'm driving now, and will be driving more, I wonder if it will even matter to me if things change.

Wed Mar 11, Today was the last class of the "semester" for me.  The next class starts soon, but right this minute I can't remember if it's three weeks or two.  Whatever, I'm not worried about it.  I have to say, I'm getting pretty tired of these classes.  I don't seem to ever really reach these people.  Also, it would be nice to just teach the iPad section, and no longer teach the desktop section.  I think that's why I feel burnt out, the desktop section is terrible because I'm still having to use Windows Vista to teach the class.

Dinner with TheGirl was pretty good.  She's all hooked up to a portable heart monitor because she's been having heart palpitations.  She went to the doctor this morning and they hooked her up.  She has to remain this way until tomorrow.  Then they'll study the results and get back to her about the results.  I sure hope it's not something serious.

Thu Mar 12, Today MicroManager saved all the special deliveries for me.  Aren't I special?  What I had to do today, in addition to the regular route, was: get water bottles filled, get petty cash from treasury, pick-up print job from Burbank, and then on top of that delivery the musical instruments to one of the branches.  Is it any wonder that I finished two and a half hours after my usual clock out time?  There isn't much to report today.  It was just a long day.

Fri Mar 13, After the crazy long route yesterday, I knew that today would be better.  The heat didn't make it easier, but not having too many books to delivery helped me take it easy on the route.  TreasuryGirl looked amazing yesterday, I failed to mention.  She wore some crazy faux fur coat, and a really tight top yesterday.  Today she wore a nice red dress.  She has an insane figure.  I do with I could photograph her, in lieu of sleeping with her.  Anyway, the route was cool, until my last stop.  The fucking alarm at my last Friday stop has never worked properly.  EVERY week that I've worked on Fridays the damn alarm sounds as soon as I get into the building.  It's supposed to give me a few seconds delay in order to reach the control pad and enter the proper code.  But, it NEVER allows me that time.  It simply goes off immediately as I open the door.  It's fucking bullshit that no one at the alarm company has been able to figure this thing out.  It can't be THAT complicated to have that delay.  Somehow it is.  Well, today not only did the alarm go off, it wouldn't turn off.  The idiots at the alarm company just sent me to "customer service" for more bullshit run-around.  I fucking got out of dodge without turning on the alarm.  Actually, I couldn't even get the fucking thing to accept the code.  Also, NFG.  I'm not being paid to fix alarms.  I'm there to deliver the books and get the fuck out.  Someone in charge can figure out the bullshit alarm.

I had a special delivery for TheDesire.  She was at her desk and she smiled from ear to ear over her photo.  She was ecstatic about the picture, saying that she couldn't believe it was her in the photo.  I reiterated what I wrote her in my email:

Yes, it really is you.  I see things, is how I can explain it.  That is how I explain how I take my photos.  I see things others don't care to see.  Either because they're too busy, or because they're distracted, or because they are just blind to what's around them.  I like to think of my photography as something akin to how Michelangelo thought of his carving.  He was said to have said, "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."  In other words he meant that the work of art was already there, he just had to carve it out.  With my photography the image is already there, I just have to record it.

OK, I admit I was buttering her up.  However, the philosophy is still true.  Of course my statement serves a dual purpose of calling her beautiful while not saying it directly.  She was absolutely giddy.  I had to clock out, but when I came back she was gone.  Her car was even gone.  Damn!  I wanted to talk to her some more.  My buddy says that I'm so not over her, and she still loves the attention I give her.  Guilty as charged.  I do want to ask Snow out, big time.  She's damn pretty.  Every bit as pretty as TheDesire, I think.  I hope more amenable.  I thought about asking her to Art Night tonight.  But I knew I'd be dead tired.  I know, excuses, excuses.

Lastly tonight, more gloom from our administrators.  The boss sent out yet another email about this reorganization shit.  The boss wrote that she is proposing opening at 2:30pm and closing at 11pm.  What the fuck!!  I can't imagine what unholy bullshit this idea was pulled out of.  It's horrible.  I told my buddy that I intend to lobby for us, the drivers, to not work these hours.  We are outside the building all day, and don't need to work these crazy hours.  If anything, there are things we have to do that will not fit under these work schedule.  We need to got two places that may not be able to accommodate this new schedule: treasury and Pasadena.  To say nothing of the branches, which would not get their books until near closing or after closing time.  It's utterly a terrible idea.  Like I said, I'm hoping to convince the boss that we should have a different schedule.  I'll talk to him next week.

Sat Mar 14, I fucking hate my Saturdays off.  Mainly because I'm not left in peace for a moment if I'm at home.  My aunt will come into my room and ruin my day.  Like today she came by while I was doing something on the computer, brought over the fan, turned it on in my direction, and every piece of down that's floating around because of my broken down cover, is flying around the room.  She can't leave me the fuck alone.  I'm a grown man.  I can take care of myself.  I don't NEED her turning on the fan for me.  I have a fan three feet away from me.

I told myself that I wouldn't only drink twice a week, but thanks to my aunt I'm going to break that promise to myself.  Fucking shit!  I come home after going to buy some food and right in the MIDDLE of my meal my aunt comes into my room to tell me about something I don't give a fuck about.  She ALWAYS comes into my room when I'm half way done with my meal.  Fuck!!  I don't want to be here on my Saturdays off.  I'm done.  I'm going to just have to have the mindset that I'm never going to be able to just stay home on a Saturday.

My buddy rightfully so pointed out that the whole thing with TheDesire isn't over.  I'm still not over her, and she still likes the attention I give her.  It certainly won't go anywhere though.

Sun Mar 15, TheGirl asked me to go to Disneyland with her a couple of weeks ago.  Today was the worst day to go to the park.  It was fucking hot.  I mean it was terrible.  The heat itself wasn't as bad as the combination of heat and humidity.  It felt like a weight was on my lungs the entire day.  Thankfully we didn't go on many rides.  We spent the majority of our time drinking and then having lunch.  I had three cocktails, followed by another one at lunch.  They gave me a nice buzz, but nothing too heavy.  I nursed them, which killed their potential.  That's OK.  I don't mind not doing much on these few hour trips to Disneyland, since I'm here all the time.  A week ago I was here by myself and I got on at least eight attractions.  Fucking great night.  If not for the heat the today would have been better.

One thing that came up at the cocktail hour was how TheChisel moved back up North.  Supposedly for good.  TheGirl told me that he was evicted, because he didn't have a dime to his name.  He is supposedly working as a substitute teacher back who knows where.  This is certainly not the last I expect to hear from TheChisel.  I'm sure he wants to move back here to hang out with TheGirl.  Fine by me.  It was funny that before this revelation I mentioned to TheGirl that I was craving pancakes.  Without missing a beat she said, "Let's go have some Saturday."  Huh?  We haven't hung out on a Saturday in a long time.  I suspect over a year, perhaps two.  THAT alone foreshadowed the moment she told me that TheChisel was gone.  Gone, but not forgotten.  Deep down inside her leaving me for him is still a fresh wound.  I still remember going to that Strawberry festival with her and confronting her about how I thought her hanging out with TheChisel was "wrong."  She said he was only a friend, but also told me that if I didn't like it I could hit the bricks, so to speak.  She was so callus, so unfeeling towards me, at the moment, that a part of me wants to repay her in kind.  If things had worked out with TheDesire that would have been close to being equal.  Alas, that didn't work out that way.  However, inside of me I still feel a horrible feeling when I think of that time.  I won't ever do something like that to TheGirl, but that doesn't mean that there are times when I don't secretly wish I could.

Mon Mar 16, When I woke up this morning I knew that today was going to be a fucked up day.  Then again, I can't attribute that feeling to anything such as a premonition, but rather the fact that it was Monday.  Work was fine since pseudo supervisor isn't going to come in on Mondays.  She's going to work Tuesdays through Thursdays.  I got a lot of work done today.  Woo!  I had lunch in my office, and didn't have to deal with fifty questions, like when I eat in the lunchroom.  It was great.

And then I went to job two.  And then my aunt called me six times with yet another crisis.  And then I had to run out and deal with this crisis.  My Godmother's paperwork was apparently not all done, and the asshole that I emailed last week after I sent her the paperwork, called today.  TODAY!  A FUCKING WEEK after I sent her the papers.  A FUCKING WEEK after I emailed her and told her to email me back a confirmation that she got all the paperwork.  I can not believe that this bitch took a week to get back to us.  And then say something akin to, if I don't have the paperwork by tomorrow it's out of my hands.  They had a WEEK to tell us, tell me, something was missing.  Fucking idiots!

So yes, I left work, drove to my Godmother's and had her sign the papers.  I hope it's the right ones, because this crisis hit my stomach like a ton of bricks.  I wanted to just burst into tears from the anger I had with all this.  Every fucking person involved in this, except for my Godmother, is a fucking idiot.  I fucking hate having to take off from work to clean this up.  I wanted to find the nearest bridge and jump off.  Fuck EVERYTHING!  No more fucks given!

After the papers were sent I treated myself to a burger at Pie n Burger.  The place was empty.  I was glad, I needed the time to decompress.  Work asked me if I could work next Saturday.  I jumped up and said yes.  I don't want to be home on my day off.  I rather make a few bucks.  It was earlier enough to still go by TheGirl's after my dinner, but she shinned me on and just said see you Wednesday.  She must have company.  She kept mentioning a "friend" yesterday at Disneyland.  Obviously a guy.  Makes sense now that TheChisel left, he's been replaced.  The day I had today makes it impossible for me to not have a drink tonight.  So much for this, only have a drink twice a week edict.  Fucking day.

Last, but not least, Snow.  the above picture is of Snow from a friend of hers Instagram feed.  TheGirl isn't the only one that can have a "friend."  I like Snow.  She's pretty, and she seems sweet.  I've stated that before, but I think now is the time to FINALLY make some sort of move on her.  Invite her to dinner, or Disneyland.  Something to get the ball rolling.  *sigh*

Tue Mar 17, Work was pretty meh today.  MicroManager asked me today about a change in my schedule come the renovation.  We would all be working different hours, because the contraction would be going on until late morning, and then we would open the doors at around 2pm.  The library would then stay open until 11pm.  This is absolutely idiotic.  Why they can't get the construction crews to work during the night as much as possible to keep us open close to our regular hours I'll never know.  Suffice to say this throws a wrench into my schedule with San Marino.  There's to be a big meeting on Thursday, that will decide our fate.  I just know that this is going to be shit.  I took some time tonight to talk to the boss about the schedule for the route.  That might me the only way I can get out of working so late.  He listened to me, but then when MicroManager returned she shot him down and told him that she had already thought of a plan.  The drivers would start at around noon or 11am, and work until 7pm on the days we go to Pasadena, and 6 on days we don't.  Fucking bullshit.  I thought I had an in.  This is certainly not over.  I still have other ways of getting my word out that this is a bad idea for us drivers.  The rest of them can rot, for all I care.

I texted TheDesire today about naming her photo, the one above.  I needed an excuse to text her.  She told me that she could not name it, and that she would have to explain later.  This is going to be interesting, if and when I get to hear this story.  The draw of the way she looks at me when we talk has gotten more alluring.  I'm pretty sure that I'm going down an old path.  I can't do much but shake my head at myself.

Wed Mar 18, There was a mandatory meeting today at work, but I had no intentions of attending.  This is the first day that I didn't have my class in weeks, and I wanted to enjoy it.  But at the same time I can't stay home, because I'll have to explain to my aunt why I'm starting work late.  I'm a grown man, I don't think I need to inform her about anything I do.  I don't ask her what she does.  So, I went to work as if I was working my regular schedule, but I ran some errands and then went to work and parked the car outside.  I took the longest nap possible, and then started work at 2pm.

But of course today couldn't just be a regular old day at work.  After my restful nap I had to pay.  About 3pm my aunt calls me.  I didn't actually hear the phone ring, but I saw it when I was checking my phone.  The voicemail said that the stupid person at housing didn't get the paperwork, and that if she didn't get the paperwork today my Godmother was out on the street.  I fucking nearly lost it.  I wanted to fucking shout.  I wanted to punch everyone I saw.  I calmed down enough to get the paperwork together and send it again via fax.  I FUCKING hate that this thing won't just rest.  For some reason this shit really bothers me.  I think it's how my aunt calls me.  I fucking hate that shit.

With the crisis hopefully averted, I worked the rest of my shift without incident.  I then bolted to TheGirl's place for dinner.  We went over to KFC for some food.  It was damn good.  Nothing new was discussed.  She didn't bring up anyone but TheHusband, and how she was having dinner with him the next day.  Said that she understood his motive.. sex.  But she wasn't giving him that.  Said that she wasn't interested.  Funny, how in the short time I've known her she went from fucking anything to not wanting it at all.  She is showing her age, I guess.

Thu Mar 19, The route was kinda easy, considering I had to deliver the instruments back to Central.  Still, it was a good day overall.  I was able to get things done quickly, and one of the cute pages from Pacific was smiling at me.  I know what that smile usually means.  It can mean two things.  It can mean that she knows something I don't know.  Or that she likes me in some way.  I've seen this particular look from the likes of TheGirl.  I chatted the page up, who is quite cute.  But who is also quite young.

Just before I left to rush to job two, I went and got the print I made for TheDesire and gave it to her.  She was happy to get it.  Just before finishing up my delivery I went down to reference and she was there with cake for a bunch of the reference staff.  TheDesire's student aid, for lack of the proper phrase, was there.  I dreamed that after I left she would ask TheDesire, "Are you two seeing each other?"  Something to jar this girl into giving me a chance.  Wait!  I'm just being her friend.  Ah dammit!  I guess that cuts it, I'm still trying with TheDesire despite me saying I would just be her friend.  Dammit!

And then the decision of what to do with my Mondays came up.  MicroManager told me that the library will be closed on Fridays to accommodate the construction schedule.  That means no route, and I lose my Fridays.  She said that I would work Saturdays instead.  I kinda liked that at first listen, because I would be out of the house on Saturdays.  Now if I could only move my Sundays to Fridays at San Marino I could enjoy a day off from work and my aunt on Sundays.  That's a lot of movement in my schedule.  The big question is if I am willing to work Mondays 1pm to 5pm.  Easy enough, but if I take that schedule it will bump my buddy off the schedule on Mondays.  That is, unless he drives on Mondays, which then means I lose four hours from one of the two jobs.  Also, it fucks with my schedule on Mondays.  I wouldn't go to TheGirl's on Monday nights, like I do now.  It's a tradition, but perhaps it's also meant to change.  So many things to consider.  I'm mostly worried about losing my hours at either San Marino or Glendale.  If I pick one I lose the hours at the other place.

As I think of all this, I think I'm going to decline and move those hours to San Marino.

Fri Mar 20, The route today was pretty chill.  I had so much time that I was able to take a 40 minute break at my last stop, the empty little library (pictured above).  MicroManager informed me that there are going to be a lot of schedule changes happening when the renovation starts.  Mainly the hours will be different, but also the route hours will be different.  The picture above also shows the hours MicroManager offered me on Mondays, 1-5.  I'd be doing pretty much busy work.  But at least I wouldn't lose all my hours.  I already had a plan to switch my hours at San Marino, but as for now these are my Monday hours.  11am to 7pm line represents the route schedule.  If my fellow driver leaves for Fresno, as he said he would so many months ago, that it's very likely that MicroManager will offer me those hours on Tuesdays.  Time will tell if any of these changes will actually happen.  I suspect that they might actually happen this time around, but I'm also thinking that this could be postponed for yet another year.

TheDesire was coming out of the library and I was going to my car after working a couple of extra hours.  I kinda waited for her while I changed my shoes.  I wanted to wish her a good trip, and when she walked up to me I did.  She thanked me again for her gift, and yeah.  You know, I was doing my best to just be her friend, but stupid me has let her creep into my heart again.  I still desire her.  I look at her, and I think I see how she sees me, and I know that deep down she likes me.  She won't act on that.  Not unless I just plant a kiss on her, which I seriously considered doing tonight.  I've got it bad, and that certainly isn't good.

Sat Mar 21, I was asked to work this morning to set-up for an event in the park behind the library.  There was to be a dedication of a work of ark, a sculpture.  The art is located behind the library.  It's a monstrosity.  But, what do I care, I was getting paid to work this event.  Still, I like how any assemblage of junk can be called art.  Fucking bullshit!

I rolled out of the parking lot at work at just past 10:30am.  TheGirl asked to have breakfast with me today.  Since TheChisel isn't in town anymore, I guess she needs a Saturday buddy.  The timing worked out well.  I finished up helping with the event, and then I went over to TheGirl's for a little food.  We went to a local IHOP, only it wasn't an IHOP any more.  It was now called the Pancake Factory.  The food was pretty dang good.  I finished every bit on my plate.  I was starving.  TheGirl asked if I would go back there again, and I would.  I think next time we have breakfast, if there is a next time, I will want to go to Aroma in Studio City.  After breakfast we went into a shoe store next door and she bought some shoes for walking.  The ones she has now are falling apart at the seams.  We went back to her place and tried to get the iPod to work with a weak wifi signal with no success.  We're looking at options.  I was falling asleep after the big meal, and my buddy texted me about how tomorrow's dinner would likely be pushed back since he was working till 8pm.  We decided to meet up for dinner tonight.

I left TheGirl's, who was going to have dinner with her daughter, and meet my buddy at Brent's deli.  They have the best pastrami.  We talked about the idiots at work.  We had to cut our talk short because he had plans for later in the evening.  That was fine by me, I was dead tired.  I went home and did nothing the rest of the night.

Sun Mar 22, Work was a little different today.  We have a new volunteer coming in on Sundays to help with computer questions.  I'm going to like having him around, because he can deal with these dopey patrons.  I showed the volunteer the ropes and thankfully it was pretty quiet today.  We had a couple of questions about printing and such.  Since he was my shadow I pretty much lead by example.  I hope this works out.  It will be a great help on the weekends.

Originally my buddy and I were going to have dinner tonight.  But, because he got off work at 8pm we did our thing yesterday.  However, we still needed to have a drink.  It was good times, as always.  We talked about my asking Snow out.  I told him that TheDesire was in Costa Rica.  I didn't tell him how I've been feeling about TheDesire.  I know I like her more today than I did last year.  However, I also know that the changes have not improved since last year.  So, any feelings I have for TheDesire are wasted feelings.  I might as well just trash them.  They will only serve to harm me.  I'll like her again, and I'll just pine away as she lives her life and finds another guy to be with.

These past few weeks have been tough.  I want to get out of town.  I have to focus on my Big Sur trip in November.  I haven't booked the room, but I KNOW that I will be up there come Thanksgiving.  I know I'll be going up there with only Chan in tow, but that's OK.  I really don't mind at all, because I'll be in Big Sur.  I'd like to be able to say I'm going up there with Snow.  I'm not going to lie, I would like it if I said I was going up there with TheDesire either.

Mon Mar 23, There isn't much to report from workday today.  It was meh.  The only thing that I can bring up is that today they posted an opening for library assistant at Glendale.  I don't know all the details yet.  But, I'm debating whether I should go for it.  This would be the second time I have tried to get a library assistant job at Glendale, if I decide to go for it this time.  It would mean making more money, but it would also mean less hours.  For now they are only offering ten hours a week.  I can't live on that, even with a higher salary.  I have until April to make my decision.  I am considering it, despite the shortcomings.

Tue Mar 24, I'm still debating whether to go for the library assistant job at Glendale.  If I go for it and I only work 10 hours a week then I'd be losing money.  But also, I can't be both library assistant and drive the route.  As of right now I don't think I want to go for the job.  I may just go for it because it's a good idea to get out there.  But, the job I REALLY want to hear from is the CSUN library one.  That would be a great job.

Wed Mar 25, Work was work.  I have a new assignment to create a timeline for the Foundation.  ARGH!  Two weeks, I won't see this place until Saturday.  There's never enough time for this shit.  It's a good thing that I bought some whiskey on the way to work this morning.  I knew I was going to need it after today.  But, thankfully it was just a normal hectic day.  Nothing too bad happened.  One little nice thing was a moment when LaFlor asked me for a piece of gum.  Her partner in crime made a face of disapproval.  LaFlor said, "I like his gum," and gave me a nice smile.  LaFlor has been off my radar for a while, but that doesn't mean I don't constantly check out her butt.  She has a nice butt, and when she wears her hair up in a ponytail it makes her look cute.  Hair down looks nice too, don't get me wrong.  Must explore this further.

On my way to work I received a text from a former coworker from San Marino.  I had agreed, after drinking a good amount of whiskey the other night, to go to a King's game in mid April.  After I sobered up I wondered if it was a good idea.  I still wanted to go, but I sure wasn't going to cry if something prevented it.  Sure enough, the text from my coworker said that she couldn't buy the tickets any more, because the game had been sold out.  Woo!

TheGirl called me to say she was battling traffic after she left work tonight.  She has to now leave work a half hour later, and it fucker her whole commute up.  When she gets home she has to give her dog an abbreviated walk, and then heat up the food and then eat.  It's kinda exhausting.  She mentioned tonight possibly moving the dinner to Thursdays.  But I get off work at 3pm, every other week.  That pretty much put that idea in the trash.  But, I'm willing to change it to Tuesdays, since I'll be getting off at 6 or 7 if this new schedule sticks.  Also, I rather not go home so early.  Ha!

TheDesire's friend posted a picture of her and TheDesire riding ATVs.  It's hard to tell, but TheDesire is sitting on the ATV.  In the meantime, another girl, Suzka, was posting a picture of herself in a bikini.  I only see Suzka once a week on my route day, and lately I've not seen her.  She's cute, and I have made some overtures mentioning how we should go get tacos after work.  What I should do, now that I think about it, is just show up after work and say, "Let's get those tacos."

Thu Mar 26, The route today wasn't so hard, but it was still difficult.  Mainly because I had ZERO energy the entire day.  And my stupid stomach was full of air, and I kept burping the entire route.  Fuck!  I hate when my stomach does that.  As I write this I'm sitting at my desk ready to go to bed.  There are a few things to report.  One, an email from the boss states that we can't wear jeans on the job, unless it's on Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays.  Instead of having this edict why not work on the fucking renovation.  These fucking clueless idiots.  Two, I had dinner with So-so at 3pm.  Our coworker Junior was at the same place we went to get a bite to eat.  Of course when So-so returned to work Junior was broadcasting that fact, like it was some state secret, or as if she caught us making out.  Fucking Junior.  That woman needs to get a life.  Three, I think I'm going to go for that library assistant position.  Not that I think I have a chance.  And not that I'm actually going to try very hard to get it.  But someone mentioned that it's a good idea in order for the big wigs to know that I want to move up in the organization.  Good point.  Forth, I almost asked Snow out today.  There was a point where I wanted to ask her if she would go do the Easter egg hunt at Disneyland with me.  But I was so tired and I didn't feel it was a good time.  Still, I have to make the move.  Sooner than later.  I say that now and I'm sure I'll be writing about this come next year.

A little explanation.  The above picture was taken at my second stop of the route.  The fucking mothers with their stupid strollers parked their brat-mobiles in the fucking doorway!  I fucking hate people.  I fucking hate their kids.  My cousin's kids are getting to me in the morning.  I'm trying to get ready for work this morning and I notice that the weather is going to be hot today.  The prediction is 91 degrees.  I was wearing jeans, but thought to change into shorts.  Well, I couldn't do it in my room because the brats are playing hide and seek.  And one of the kids is in my closet, which I use as a changing room.  Fucking shit.  I had to wait until my aunt got out of the bathroom to change, and I was nearly late this morning.  I still don't understand why my cousin's husband brings the kids to the house twenty minutes before school starts, only to then walk them to school.  I guess for appearances, because they don't actually live here, but they say they do.  The same effect works if they are here a few minutes before school starts without having to run around in the house.  ARGH!

I nearly forgot, Suzka, which I mentioned in my last entry, looked really cute today.  When I walked into the branch there was a guy from the recreation department hitting on her, I suspect.  I only heard a couple of words, but he seemed to say "think about it."  I can't be 100% sure, but I think I'm on the numbers when it comes to this.  She is nice, and aside from TheDesire and Snow, I think that she is the more eligible of my cute coworkers.  She's certainly nice.

Fri Mar 27, The route was chill today, and there weren't any surprises.  I even had enough time to chill at my last stop in Adams.  It was warm today, but not as bad as yesterday.  It's hard to deal with the heat, but at least the A/C in the van works well.  Despite the fact that they still have't fixed the fan switch.  The switch doesn't stop but on two settings.  It's either blowing low or at full blast.  No happy medium.  I went home tired, but not super tired, thankfully.

But then I couldn't go straight home, because my cousin's kids were at my place.  I made the mistake of going home after work and dealing with those kids before.  I won't make that mistake again.  I was hungry, so instead of going to my local library, I went to get a Fat Burger.  It was meh, but not horrible.  It's certainly not as good as it was ten years ago.  However, it did hit the spot.  Even after eating I couldn't go home because my cousin's kids were still running around the house.  I didn't feel like going to the library now, I just wanted to chill.  I drove to a street close to my house, but where my cousin was unlikely to drive by.  I waited for the email that confirmed that my family was out of the house.  I finally received it.  I went to the market to get some milk for my aunt, and then went home.  Finally, some rest and relaxation.

Sat Mar 28, I didn't do anything at work today.  I answered a few questions, did a clean-up job on the passport desk, and sent Snow an email asking her to go to Disneyland with me.  OK, that last one is significant.  I checked a couple of times, but I suspect she won't read the email until Monday.  I hope that she says yes, but I'm also afraid that she will.  I'll cross that bridge when it happens.  I suspect that the realty is that she won't even respond.  My buddy and I talked about this later and he pointed out that one of the scenarios that could happen is that she will just ignore it, and pretend that I didn't ask her.  We'll both just ignore that it happened.  I think that this is what will happen.  Oh well.

After work I picked up my buddy at Glendale and we went to Bob's Broiler in Downey.  I've been wanting to go down there and take some pictures of the place for a while now.  He's not a fan of Bob's Big Boy food, so that meant I couldn't have a whole meal.  We just ordered some chicken strips.  The service was sub-par, at best.  But whatever, I was able to get a few photos in.  After Bob's we decided to get some tacos.  That's what my buddy wanted.  So we drove back to Los Angeles, just outside of Chinatown, to this taco joint on Figueroa.  The tacos were completely flavorless.  So sad.  Oh, before I forget, I think I will return to Bob's Broiler for more pictures.

On our way to the tacos our maps apps told us to take different routes to the taco joint.  My buddy's said to get off at 4th street, despite what I knew.  But, I figure I could finally cross the 4th street bridge.  As you can see, it offers quite a nice view of the city.  I have explore more of this part of the city.

Sun Mar 29, Work was meh.  I wanted to go to Disneyland and eat something yummy after work tonight.  But I was tired, and I didn't feel like driving all the way down there.  In retrospect, I should have gone down there.  I ended up not eating anything super yummy, but rather some McDonald's.  Which, I hate to say, did hit the spot.  Oh well.

I now know that I'll have next Sunday off, but of course it's too late to do anything.  I wanted to get out of town, but whatever.  I wanted to see if my aunt would go visit my Godmother that day, and then I could invite Talia over for some fun.  I can tell her I want to take a shower with her in the now working shower, clean her up, and then have sex with her.  She doesn't shower every day, so I need to take off a few layers of yuck before I try to fuck her.  I thought of only fucking her up the ass.  It remains to be seen if I can pull this off.  It hinges on my aunt not being home.

Mon Mar 30, I drank like a fish last night.  I mean not too much, but just enough to keep me from jerking off properly.  Which meant I stayed up WAY too late last night.  I woke up, naked, at around 2am.  I finished jerking off, and didn't get to bed until something like 3am.  Of course this morning I was a zombie.  I slept through ALL my alarms.  Mind you, I have my wake-up alarm, and then I have THREE other alarms that remind me to get out the door.  I didn't wake up until just before 8am.  I jumped out of bed, ran into the shower, and bolted.  I bought something to eat at a local Carl's and ate it when I got to work.  I was only half an hour late.  Mind you, I could have just put 9am on my time card, since I'm on the honor system.  But, I do like this job, and I don't feel the need to screw them over like that.  Better to be truthful.

I tried not to get to invested in this Snow thing, and it's good that I didn't.  I didn't even want to check my work email today, for fear of the response from Snow.  But of course she didn't respond.  I figure it two ways.  One, she hasn't read her email yet.  Two, she read it and has decided to ignore what I said, or address it later in the week when I see her.  I still think that I have my answer now though.  I can't imagine she didn't read her email today.  So yeah, that's my answer.. no answer.  Like I said, I'm glad I didn't get too invested in this girl.  I think she's nice, but obviously the time has come to really embrace this bachelor life.  I had a small reprise from that life when TheGirl came into my life.  But now the reality of all this is sinking in deep.  I joked with my buddy the other night that I'm just going to be a man and his monkey.

Speaking of, I passed by TheGirl's tonight.  She once again mentioned her "friend" to me.  Said she hung out with him on Saturday.  I think her exact words were "party."  She mentioned how was too old to party.  I should have remembered how she doesn't let one guy go until she has a new one to take his place.  TheChisel has left the picture, and of course now this new "friend" walks right into the picture.  I was feeling guilty about pursuing Snow.  And although it looks like it was a futile endeavor, I now know that I can't think that my pursuit of someone means that I should feel guilty about telling TheGirl about it some day.  I hate to admit it again, but I did mention on this journal that if things had worked out with TheDesire that there would be a little part of me that would relish it all the more because it would cause her pain.  Like the pain I had to endure when I was in love with her and she found it easy to just go off with TheChisel.  I've learned so many lessons from that one.

Tue Mar 31, I knew today was going to be a long day.  What I didn't expect was that so much would actually happen today.  After checking my work email for Snow's email response and not finding any I pretty much gave up.  Last night I was telling my buddy that if I didn't receive any response from Snow by today that her silence would be my answer.  But, she wrote me.  More on that in a moment.  While at work there was a point where I started thinking about getting out of town.  It was actually moments after I felt it was futile to think Snow would respond.  Hence me then going online and checking for rooms in Santa Barbara and Cambria.  Both are booked, of course.  I was seriously considering booking a room in San Simeon, but then thought about the drive, the cost, and I figured I would save that for my November trip to Big Sur.  I worked my shift at job one, and then went to job two and took my usual nap before work.

I arrived at work and they had me working on setting up things for tonight's author event (pictured above).  MicroManager left me "in charge."  Whatever that means.  I told myself I wouldn't check my email today, until whenever.  Well, as I was getting things ready Snow appears and she has a smile on her face.  She comes up to me and says, "Did you check your email?"  I told her I hadn't.  Then she proceeded to tell me that she was going to go do Disneyland on Sunday with a friend, but that I was welcomed to come along.  So this has turned into a group thing.  Still, I have to like the fact that I'm actually hanging out with her.  Also, I have to make sure that she understands we're not just hanging.  Here's her email response, which I didn't get to read until a few hours later.

That sounds like fun!  The only catch is that between now and April 30th, I am only free this Sunday, and possibly Saturday, April 18 and 25th.
For this Sunday, I had already made plans to spend the day with a good friend.  However, she loves Disneyland and has an annual pass too.  So, if you are free on Sunday (which is Easter) and wouldn't mind if my friend came with us, then I am definitely up for it!
For the April Saturdays, I would have to confirm closer to the dates. : (

There ya have it.  It's a done deal.  I had been planning on getting out of town.  I had also planned on hanging out with Talia, and trying to sleep with her.  But now, my plans are set.  And she did mention possibly going in April, so I'm going to try and get that going.

And then there was TheDesire, who looked SO pretty tonight.  Actually, she looked fucking HOT!  As you can see from the pictures above.  Her body looked so awesome that it was hard to think about anything else.  But, I must admit, Snow looked really pretty tonight.  She is pretty.  TheDesire is not the priority, but she is still a ghost that haunts me.  I would give up a lot to be with her, even now.  However, I want to see if Snow will be that special one.

After work I texted TheDesire a couple of the above photos, and she responded with the following exchange.

Crying?  You know, one of the things that I must have is some sort of Quixote complex.  I think I can save people from themselves.  I thought I could with TheGirl, and I obviously think that with TheDesire.  I do want her to talk to me about these things, like why she's crying.  The last time I cried was about two weeks ago, because I was thinking about my Grandmother.  I suspect that it's either her brother that made her cry, or she's just so fragile that everything makes her cry.  And of course stupid me still thinks that I can save her.  We can only save ourselves.