December is the last of the home stretch to the end of the year.  Overall 2013 has been a good year.  I looked back at some old entries and found that the first couple of months of 2013 sucked.  They sucked as hard as 2012 did.  Nevertheless, things got better and better throughout the year as bad things stabilized and smoothed out.  Enough about that, here's December.

Dec 1, Today I just wanted to bolt home.  I woke up early, got my stuff ready, and got on the road as early as I could.  The hotel, The Village Inn, was nice enough.  The first night I was there the girl at the counter was super pretty and friendly.  I didn't even take advantage of the free breakfast my last morning.  I tossed the keys back and went flying down the road.  I really regretted going.  But thankfully the beauty of Big Sur helped me energize myself.  The more I drove south, with that wonderful coast on my right the entire time, the more I felt that I shouldn't have gone to Carmel.  I should have stayed in Big Sur.  I should have explored more of Point Lobos.  Perhaps I should have returned to that wonderful waterfall at Julia Pfeiffer Burns that I found on my trek that made me fall in love with Big Sur.  I guess it will have to wait until next time.  The good things about this trip is that I did get a couple of good pictures.  For that this trip turned out to not be a total loss.  The highlights of the trip were the photo above, the talk with that lady, and visiting that guy at the gallery in Monterey.
I arrived home and found my aunt here.  She asked me where I went.  I didn't tell her about my trip.  She doesn't need to know that stuff.  Suffice to say, I just told her I had something to do.  Which I did.  I'm not entirely glad I went on this trip.  I spent money I didn't have, hoping to get a project off the ground.  I think the problem was the flawed project.  For all my desires I'm not a writer of novels.  I'm just not.  My wheelhouse is definitely photography.  Novel writer was a nice idea, but I need to give it up.

Dec 2, Back to the grind today.  I nearly forgot my morning routine, it's been so long.  It was four days away, but my trip up to Carmel felt more like a week.  And now today I have to get back on my feet early and get going.

Dec 4, Since I had some time this morning before working at San Marino I decided to go to Glendale and fill out all the timecards I messed up, and by doing so short changed my salary.  It took about two hours to fill them all out.  What with all the talking and stuff.  But, they're done.  My coworker says that the money should show up on my next paycheck.  NEXT?!  That's Friday!  There's no way.  I think he meant next pay period, when we get paid in a couple of weeks.  Of course I'm not going to complain if I get the money this Friday.
Today was a short shift at work.  I ate lunch and drove over to San Marino.  For some reason it was really quiet.  I mean like really dead.  Again, not complaining simply making an observation.
Then came the traditional Wednesday night dinner with TheGirl.  She had jury duty, and it ended today.  She told me about the case, and how she was sad that she had to return to work tomorrow.  Yeah, no choice.  Have to return to real life.  She was extra nice tonight.  Usually Chan is on the floor somewhere in her room.  Tonight he was sitting at the table (as pictured above).  That stuffed monkey is SO cute without having to do anything.  Posed to make him look like this, makes him look extra cute.  That made my day.

Dec 5, I know I'm hanging out with TheDesire on Sunday, but I do want some interaction before then.  I write her emails.  Sometimes she responds.  I send her texts, again, sometimes she responds.  Today while on my route I didn't even get a hello from her.  I came inside the library branch she works in, everyone else said hi, but she just sat at the computer and typed and typed.  I honestly don't remember her even looking my way.  I hate that I've wrapped up so much emotion in this girl.  I told myself not to go down this road until I knew she would reciprocate.  Yet, here I am feeling down because the girl I like didn't say hi to me.  If things don't turn out the way I need them to on Sunday I'll just have to walk away from this thing.

Dec 6, Work was the usual Friday load.  I'm the jack of all trades.  The supervisor knows that I'm the ace in the hole.  She put me on the desk for five hours today, and the upstairs desk for two.  With the proper paperwork now I'll actually be making what I was supposed to be making for these crazy Fridays.
After work I bolted to San Marino to join the holiday party there.  We played some games, hung out.  Then our boss took us out for a drink.  She went home and then three of us, H, T and Stash went to Dave and Busters for more drinks and such.  There was a cover charge.  Then the girl was trying to sell us some bullshit charity thing.  If we bought X amount of whatever some of it would go to charity.  I didn't fall for it, but T and H did.  Next thing you know they see that their coupons aren't valid yet.  Their free $5 in credits couldn't be redeemed until their next visit.  Total bullshit.  The placed closed at 1am, and they have a clever way of getting people to leave.  The machines all stop working.  There's no way to play another game.  We left.  Another successful hang.

Dec 7, My check engine light came on yesterday, and by pure chance I had an appointment today to get the car's oil changed.  They checked it out, and thankfully it was just a sensor malfunction.  It's all fixed now.  I was wondering if the Universe was out to get my windfall money.  Not that it was THAT much of a windfall.  I roughly calculated that I would be getting much more than I received.  Still, something is better than nothing.  Also, I think that maybe I'll get more in the next paycheck.  But then, speaking of paychecks, my San Marino check was only $28.  What the fuck?!
I watched a movie when I got back from the dealer.  My aunt with to visit my Godmother.  It rained today.  Here are more random thoughts.  The movie was "in the Realm of the Senses."  Good movie about love and obsession.  It is amazing how all encompassing the idea of love is to humans.  Some of us get lucky and find someone that they adore.  Some find someone they can't bare to be without.  I adored TheGirl, and thought I couldn't live without her.  I still adore her, but I do know that I can live without her.  Tomorrow I hope to tell TheDesire my intentions.  I like her.  I'm starting to think of her as that all encompassing idea.  Not entirely.  I'm not an idiot.  I'm not going to develop some crush on a girl that doesn't reciprocate my feelings.  I'm through doing that stupid shit.

Dec 8, Today was supposed to be the big day that I tell TheDesire that I like her.  Course I didn't go ahead and do it.  I'm like the BIGGEST chicken on Earth.  The day went super well, despite me failing to once again tell her how I feel.  I picked her up at the library, where one of our co-workers saw TheDesire getting into my car.  We went downtown and parking in Pershing Square.  TheDesire was hungry, so I suggested going to Central market.  We ended up finding a nice kabob place there.  She forgot her credit card, so I ended up buying us lunch.  It was yummy, and it's always nice to have a nice meal with a girl.  It establishes something of a foundation.  Chris Rock has a routine where he says that if you don't like eating with someone and don't like fucking them then you all shouldn't be together.  I like eating with TheDesire, and I have no idea what sleeping with her is like.  I like to think it's wonderful, but certainly I don't have any first hand knowledge.  After a quick lunch we walked down to the Orpheum.  TheDesire was interested in checking out some of the sights on Broadway.  They aren't great sights, but she was interested in checking out some of the shops there.  She had never been on Broadway.  We arrived at the theater and looked around.  The was impressed with how beautiful the movie palace looked.  Those old movie palaces were something grand.  They made moviegoing an event.  I think that TheDesire was properly impressed by this new experience.  The movie was shown, though it was an old print and it showed its age.  Having seen the movie on Blu-ray the print that they showed was not of the same picture quality.  But, it wasn't about that with this movie.  The print was aside the point.  I wanted to spend this time with TheDesire.  She liked the movie, but called it depressing.  She is definitely depressed.  She tries not to show it, but she is still sad.  She has a great many things to be sad about: her brother's suicide, and her broken relationship.  I wish I had the courage to tell her how I feel.  I rehearsed something I wanted to tell her, but of course didn't.  Something akin to, "I don't want to just date you.  I want this thing to lead to a life together, with kids and the whole nine yards."  I'm that serious about this.  I don't want to run around looking for another relationship that's going to last a few years and then end.  I've always entered a relationship with the hope that it was the last one.  That it would be the one I would have for the rest of my life.  That it hasn't happened doesn't mean it won't.  I want TheDesire to be that woman.  I don't know where these feelings are coming from, seeing as I don't even know TheDesire well enough.  Yet, I feel this want to settle down with her.  To start a family with her.  It sounds perfectly silly, but the thought has not left my mind since it first appeared a few weeks ago.  After the movie we went to Starbucks, where after finding her credit card she bought me a hot chocolate.  We talked while we walked back to the car.  I took her back to our rendezvous location and she went on her merry way.  She had a holiday party to attend.  THAT was the moment I wanted to finally tell her, but my hesitation and lack of balls left me just holding the bag again.  It's my own damn fault.  Still, I think we both had a great time.  I know I did.  TheDesire brought up that her friends tell her that she needs to find a new guy.  I want to be that man (not guy).

Dec 9, I tried to invite TheDesire to Rose parade today, but she will be in Cancun with her parents during New Years.  I guess I have to make other plans for New Years Eve.  Since I didn't have to work my second job tonight I ran some errands with my aunt.  Like she says, she doesn't know the next time I'll be available.  She assumes I'm going to be home on my days off.  I have made an effort not to be around here when she is.  I don't want to have to deal with her.  Oh, and my check engine light is on again.  Made an appointment for this Saturday.

Dec 11, I read in an email yesterday that during today's annual city luncheon that I would be getting my five year service pin.  I was one of ten people that were celebrating five years with the library.  So many of us came in when the new library building opened.  It was nice to have some recognition since I thought that I would have gotten my pin last year since I was only a month short of five years.  Oh well, at least I got my pin.  This is the longest I've ever worked at a job.  I actually can't believe it's been that long.  Someone received their thirty year pin today, and the guy said that it didn't feel like thirty years had gone by.  It doesn't feel like five years has gone by.  I can't believe it's been that long.  Especially since five years ago so many changes were on the horizon. 
After work I went over to have the traditional Wednesday night dinner with TheGirl.  I know that the days of these dinners are numbered.  Perhaps in weeks, perhaps less.  I still like having dinner at her place.  Certainly a free meal is nothing to sneeze at, and I like her company.  However, after checking TheChisel's Facebook page this weekend I can see that he isn't going anywhere.  And really, I should be focusing my full attention towards TheDesire, or if she rejects me some other girl.  Like my co-worker H has said, continuing this is unhealthy.  It's a shame, because I do like spending this time with TheGirl.  However, it is time I moved on.  Especially if TheDesire does reciprocate my feelings.  Then TheGirl will definitely have to be something of my past life.

Dec 12, The route was chill this week.  I took time to eat, and chill and I still finished early.  That's definitely good times.  I even went home early, 2:30pm.  I think aside from days when I've been sick that's the earliest I've left my Glendale job.  Anyway, the cat is out of the bag, so to speak.  My coworker told me that it was pretty obvious that I like TheDesire.  After work she asked me who this mystery woman was that I kept talking about wanting to ask out.  I finally told her it was TheDesire.  She said, "Oh you should, you two would make a nice couple."  I don't know if THAT's true, but I like to think that I would keep up my end of the bargain.  I hope.  I hope I even have a chance.  I realize that there are many things I don't want to put the effort into because I automatically think that I'm either not worthy of them, or that I shouldn't have any business thinking I should be there.  I'm a simple person, I don't want too many things.  I do have my passions, but I also have my skills in certain areas.  Photography being the most obvious of my skills.  Everyone tells me I need to bite the bullet and let TheDesire know how I feel.  They think I have a better than even chance at winning her over.  I think most people think I'm an all right guy, and wish me luck because I deserve to be happy.  And they know TheDesire and think that's she's a wonderful person, and that she deserves to be happy.  I'd like to have that chance.  But, I know if I don't make a play it won't happen.  My whole life I've been like this.

Dec 13, Today was a really long day.  I worked eight hours, then drove down to Disneyland and hung out with my coworker/friend H and her family.  It was a good time with H.  I've now gone with both these sisters to Disneyland.  It's pretty crazy how I've become so close to H, like a brother that she tells her secrets to.  I tell her pretty much everything.  We went to Trader Sam's and I had a couple of drinks.  Then we chilled.  Then it was getting late so we went back to the car and she drove over to her sister's house in Tustin.  As I was getting out of the car in a no stopping zone, to exchange seats with H a pack of five police officers on patrol bikes come up and ask me what I was doing.  I yelled at them that I was dropping her off and that she was driving because I didn't know her address.  Without missing a beat I started to get back into the car.  He then asked H if she lived there.  She didn't say a word, just turned around and walked into her home.  I took off slowly and watched as the police drove past me on a stop light.  It was nuts, because I was feeling a tiny bit tipsy.  I know my limits, and I was nearly completely sober, but I did fear that if they gave me a sobriety test I may get all nervous and not pass it.  Thankfully the police didn't say anything and just let me go on my merry way.

Dec 14, As I said before, my check engine light came on earlier in the week.  Today I was finally able to take it in for repairs.  The dealer said it was a spark plug and coil issue, and that one of my shock absorbers is leaking fluid.  They didn't have the part, but they will have it by Tuesday, and I can go in on Wednesday before work.  If they need to keep the car I'm somehow covered for that as well.  So it's a win-win.  I have to pay $100, but that's nothing for the price of these repairs.  Woo!
I returned home, hungry.  But I didn't feel like eating anything that I had in the fridge.  I thought of going to McDonald's for a Big Mac.  I was craving a Big Mac.  But then that didn't quite appeal to me either.  So I sat at home wondering what to eat.  For nearly two hours I sat around watching TV and not eating.  I finally told myself that I wanted a pastrami sandwich from Subway.  They've been advertising some yummy looking pastrami sandwiches.  Now I know their sandwiches aren't up to par with The Hat, which I ate earlier in the week.  However, I still wanted one.  On the way there I changed my mind and decided I should get a good sandwich from Nick's in Tarzana.  I didn't make it their either.  On the way to Nick's I decided to get the sandwich I had last month when my coworker treated me to The Habit's pastrami sandwich.  It was pretty good, and I was craving it.  I came home, ate it and became sleepy.  I actually passed out on my desk chair.  I woke up and got ready for a holiday party.  I arrived late to the party thanks to my late start and traffic.  It was a good time.  The girl I asked out a few months ago was there.  As well as the girl that I was trying to get with last year.  It's so funny to have these woman all in the same place.  I may not be able to tell TheDesire, but I have asked some girls out.  Then again, no I didn't.  I asked one girl if she was single via email.  The other I didn't ask out at all.  I didn't see an interest for me there.

Dec 15, I went to Disneyland with TheGirl today.  It was a short six hour stay at the park.  We didn't get on too many rides.  Just the major ones.  I was able to share with TheGirl the moment when It's a Small World is lit up at night.  Damn, that moment really moves me.  I just LOVE the way the lights look.  We talked a lot about stuff.  She told me she didn't like how TheChisel tags her all the time on his Facebook feed.  Meanwhile, she spends every weekend with him.  Whatever!  I think her statement is disingenuous, because there's an easy way to not have to deal with TheChisel.  Tell him to take a hike and never come back.  She also told me that her daughter will be moving back to her grandmother's house because of a big row with TheGirl's landlady.  Something about blaming her daughter for a leak of the toilet tank.  It's complete bullshit.  TheGirl would move ASAP, but she can't afford to.  So, for the meantime her daughter will leave.  TheGirl was livid with her landlady, but she's forced to stay until she can find a place that's inexpensive and hopefully closer to her job in Santa Monica.  She told me she looked in Studio City, but after looking at a few places that were run down she found a nice place that was available.  It costs $1,800 a month.  Too much for TheGirl to afford.
I was able to lay the foundation for TheGirl knowing about me possibly dating TheDesire.  This is assuming I get the balls to finally ask TheDesire out.  AND, assuming TheDesire says yes.  I turned it around and made it so TheGirl would say, "You should date her," and she did.  Then I countered, "Yeah, I should."  Perfect.  Again, IF I ever get the courage and IF TheDesire says yes it won't be a huge shock to TheGirl.  I mean, why do I care?  Why do I care to set it up for her not to take a huge hit?  I guess because I care.  Because I don't want to hurt TheGirl like she hurt me.  I don't want to hurt anyone.

Dec 16, The interview for the library assistant job is set for this coming Thursday.  I wasn't told if there were any other candidates.  But really it's a done deal.  T pretty much told me I'm the one they want for this job.  And unless some amazing fella walks in the door with no salary requirements, it's my job.  Still, I'm nervous.
I asked TheDesire if she wanted to go see Gravity this Saturday, and she agreed.  I best just tell her how I feel already.  I have my buddy's sister's wedding to attend in the mid-afternoon, but after that I'll be with TheDesire. 
Lastly, the graphic on top is from a "special" report about women dressing too sexy in the workplace.  It was clearly an excuse to have a graphic with a woman that is super hot.  The whole segment was talking to "experts" and woman that dress "sexy" where they work.  You know, they should do a 52 part series on this, and visit many woman around the Los Angeles area who dress sexy at their jobs, even though it may be thought of as inappropriate.  Good work, "news" department.

Dec 18, I try to email TheDesire, try to text her, all this and I get few responses.  Oh well, what can I do?  Have traditional Wednesday night dinner with TheGirl, that's what.  TheGirl said she wasn't sure about what to make for dinner, so I suggested just going out for dinner.  We went to Chipotle in Pasadena.  Good joint that we used to frequent when we were still "dating."  I ate like I hadn't eaten before.  I was completely stuffed.  The margaritas were pretty good this time, but I would have really loved a second one.  It was a nice dinner.  As I was leaving for home I ran into TheGirl's landlady while she was doing her laundry.  I said hello and all I got back was a grunt.  There was a slight moment where I wanted to confront her and tell her how I've never shown her anything but respect, and that I didn't deserve a grunt as a response.  That's easy for me to say, but TheGirl has to live there, and she also has to deal with her all the time.  Best not to say anything.

Dec 19, It rained so much while on my route today.  When I arrived at my second to last stop (where TheDesire works) one of TheDesire's friends/coworkers asked me if I was going to a movie this weekend with "your girlfriend," and looked back at TheDesire.  Then TheDesire said something to her in Armenian.  I'm sure it wasn't positive, or she would have said it in English.  Pisser.  Still, I have to do this, and I have to stick my neck out.  The more I think about it the more I know what will happen, with more certainty.  I shouldn't get so negative about it, perhaps I still have a chance.  Perhaps I don't, but now is the time to find out.
The BIG news is that the done deal that was this library assistant job is now official.  I went and had my interview today.  Within a couple of hours the boss was looking for me at work to officially offer me the job.  I accepted, of course.
Aside from the big news that wasn't big because it was a done deal the second my boss mentioned it, today was pretty crazy.  I had to do my delivery route in the rain.  I got soaked, but it was fun.  However, it was hard work.  They don't like the Wednesday/Friday driver, so they have given me more of his duties.  Pretty soon I'll be doing his job.  Maybe that's the idea.  Still, there is only so much I can do.  i completed my route, but I was completely wet.  My feet were wet, my clothes were wet.  Everything.  But, I got the job!

Dec 21, Finally the BIG DAY!  The wedding, and the "date."  When I arrived at my buddy's place he wasn't there.  I was told that they wanted me to take pictures of the wedding, but they were hedging their bets, because they did hire a professional photographer.  I was asked to take some more "intimate" photos of the family and wedding party.  That's what I did.  I did my best despite not being paid.  But, I'll get a free meal out of it, I thought.  But with the pending movie date with TheDesire I didn't get my dinner.  The ceremony and reception were beautiful.  I became very emotional when the vows were being said.  I like that to be me someday, and I can't believe I said that just now.  Yet, I've been thinking about how I want to tell TheDesire how I like her.  I do fancy her, and I would very much like to one day wait as she walks down the aisle towards me.  It's definitely a pipe dream, but it's my pipe dream.
I left the wedding reception so I would have time to reach TheDesire and maybe get something to eat.  I didn't want to be late for the movie, which started at 7:30.  TheDesire asked if I wanted to get some food.  Having not eaten at the reception I said yes.  We ate at a place right on the corner of Brand and Harvard, steps from the library.  Of course this was asking for trouble.  Two of my co-workers walked by.  I'm not sure if they saw me or not.  I saw them, so it's a good chance they saw me as well.  Being seen with TheDesire isn't a bad thing, but I don't want this to get out if I was dating her.  I don't want it be known either way.  I ordered a pizza, which turned out to be bland.  But I didn't care, I was sitting right across TheDesire.  The first time I saw TheDesire nearly five years ago I was taken aback.  She is pretty, and in that enchanted moment I knew I would one day be here with her.  Not specifically at that restaurant, of course, but to the point where I would tell her how I feel.  It's never how you picture it.  TheDesire represents a chance to absolve myself from my sins of the past... to finally get this love thing right.  She is that idea that if you JUST had an opportunity you could get it right.  If you simply had a chance you could show your mettle, and rise to the occasion.  If, if, if!  When you're there, in the midst of it all, the reality is so much more difficult to achieve.  TheDesire is also the unattainable.
We walked to the movie theater at the Americana and who do we run into?  TheGirl, TheChisel, and TheGirl's daughter, all of them coming out of the movie theater.  I could not believe it.  Here I am, trying to keep all this under wraps until TheDesire says yea or nay and I'm running into everyone.  Fucking shit.  TheDesire and TheGirl hugged.  Then TheGirl hugged me.  TheChisel ran like a girl to his left, having flung his hands up when TheDesire and I were spotted.  TheGirl gave me a huge hug and a kiss and looked at me quite deeply.  We all talked for a little bit, TheGirl's daughter not saying a word to me just looking at me with a smile.  My journey was so close to the end, good or bad, and here suddenly everyone was there to witness it.  Thanks Universe.  We parted and TheDesire and I went to see the movie.  The thought of TheGirl telling me to ask TheDesire out was stuck in my head.  Especially since that was what I've been wanting to do for the longest time.
The movie ended, TheDesire and I walked out of the theater and she made a beeline to the parking structure and her car.  She didn't even wait for me as I got stuck behind some of the people walking around us.  When we got to her car I finally just told her that I wanted to ask her out.  She said thanks but no thanks, mainly because she doesn't like anyone, she isn't interested in me, and of course because I'm not Armenian.  I knew that was going to be her answer, so the answer didn't really shock me.  It shouldn't have taken me so long to get to this point.  But I learned my lesson to not like any more Armenian girls.  Also, don't pine.  Also, don't invest too much in a crush.  TheDesire knew that I liked her, and was expecting this pronouncement from me.  I'm pretty transparent.  Thankfully I now know.  I felt bad, but it didn't devastate me.  I knew the answer going in, it was negative.  I still took my shot.  I walked away having not invested too much in this crush.  I walked away relatively unscathed.

Dec 22, Well, it's the morning after the big rejection and I felt fine emotionally.  I had work today, but I had to drop off some of the things I ran off with from the wedding, like the candle. and some other miscellaneous items.  I went over to my friend Jon's house.  We talked about the big rejection, and how I should go after a white or Latina girl.  He's right.  Or maybe I should just assume that no woman will ever want me.  Yeah, that's a better move.  I guess all this means that the lady from Carmel was partially wrong.  It could also mean another woman will come into my life.  But really it means she was wrong about that, and just some crazy fool.  I wanted to believe in something, but I should have known it was just some wishful thinking.
After Jon's I went to work at Central.  As I walked in the door I noticed that I needed to go to the bathroom.  Suffice to say it wasn't good.  The rest of the shift was me going back to the bathroom at least a dozen times to poop out the shit that was coming out.  I was not feeling well AT ALL.  Thankfully the events I was monitoring pretty much took care of themselves.  I was even able to sleep for a half hour while one of the events went on.  I was on the floor of the control room dying.  I felt so sick, and without energy.  The first event ended and I got ready for the second event, which featured a woman that was bossy, and demanding and just a jerk.  Meanwhile I'm dying and she's asking me to change the set-up and such.  Such a hag of a woman.  I somehow survived her stupid jesus shit.  My night didn't end until 10:20pm.  What a fucking long shift.  As soon as I arrived home I passed out in bed.

Dec 23, This work week gets cut nearly right in the middle.  I worked today, but then don't work until Thursday, and the same goes for next week.  I was fine in the morning, but as the day wore one I knew that I wasn't well just yet.  I didn't eat all day, which is another bad thing.  I only had about half a tamale at around 5pm.  Aside from that, nothing.  I somehow survived working all day.  TheGirl came up to work, and we chatted afterward.
I brought up her seeing me with TheDesire on Saturday.  She told me that she became very emotional afterward because she saw me with someone else.  Mainly, she said, because she still had feelings for me.  Sure has a funny way of showing it, leaving me and being with another man.  She said that the rest of her night she was quiet.  She never expected to see me with TheDesire, never in a million years.  I remember weeks ago I told H that I was setting her up for this very thing.  The day when I would tell her that I was seeing someone new.  Be it TheDesire (I hoped), or someone else.  I have been doing my best to find someone new.  She found someone new before she even left me, so I think it's unfair for her to think that it's OK to feel this way towards seeing me with another woman.  Sure, this time it was with someone that was just a friend, but that moment still hurt because she didn't know we weren't just friends.  I purposely kept this from TheGirl because deep down inside I wanted her to experience a little of what I felt.  It's a petty thing to say, and do, but for over a year I've had to live with TheChisel in my life as an entity that I know.  It's not his fault, and so I don't blame him.  He's a total fool.  THAT is his fault.  Anyway, I cleared the air.  I told TheGirl that TheDesire rejected me.  TheGirl said it was her loss.  Yeah, it's both of our losses.  TheDesire doesn't deserve to go down the Armenian path and end up unhappy for the rest of her life, like every other Armenian girl.  She deserves to be happy, like all of us.  Now, I'm certainly not saying that she would have absolutely found happiness with me.  Clearly I'm not good enough.  At forty-two years old I'm still a man-child.  I don't want to grow up.  I think it's overrated.  It's always been overrated.  Except for the not telling me what to do anymore.  But then again, there's ALWAYS someone that will tell you what to do.  If it's another person you can tell them to fuck off.  But, if it's a boss then you have to eat shit and follow directions.  It's bullshit!
I went home and finally felt hungry.  Not a lot, but a little hungry.  Just enough to eat a few leftovers in the fridge.  TheGirl asked me to book a trip to Big Sur in February.  I thought that by then perhaps TheDesire and I would be celebrating Valentine's day.  That's not going to happen.  As soon as I got home I started looking for a room.  I decided to book two rooms, one for night one and another for night two.  One at the Big Sur River Inn, so we could be close to Big Sur and not have to drive down from Monterey.  The second night would be in Monterey, so we could hang in the city later into the night, and the next morning get a free breakfast and get on our way home.  Brilliant.

Dec 24, Finally the day.  I dare say as I write this I'm not feeling well.  My aunt went to work and I went to get some lunch late in the day.  I ate a Mick's sub today, and that's it.  I had 2/3rds of it at lunch, with some fries.  I can usually finish up at much and the fries.  Today I left a few fries and still had 1/3rd of the sub left.  It served me well, because that's what I had for "dinner."  I had some Jack and Coke too, but that hit me in a bad way.  The Jack tasted awful, for some reason.  I dumped about half of what I poured into my cup.  I'm not feeling well.  My stomach seems to have stabilized, but I feel weak, there's a tender spot right below my arm pit by my chest that has a dull ache to it.  If I stretch it hurts more, but I don't remember pulling that shoulder.  I might have done it when I was asleep last night.  Nevertheless, I'm not well.  I just want to go to sleep.  I think I will.  Nothing I eat feels like it's doing my body good.  I just don't fell well at all.

Dec 25, I'm still not feeling well, but at least I don't have to go to work today.  I took my aunt out for an early supper at Du-par's.  I think that's the last time I'm going to go there.  I've never had anything better than a mediocre meal there.

Dec 26, Today was a big day.  I ran my route, but also today was the first time I saw TheDesire since Saturday.  Before I go on with that, I do have to report that my stomach still didn't feel well this morning.  To the point that I didn't even bother having breakfast.  I didn't have lunch either.  It wasn't until I got home that I ate something.  My stomach seems to be OK right now, though earlier I pooped and it was strange.  That's all I'll say.  Back to the original thought.  I saw TheDesire today, she looked cute.  But in the last few days I've done my best to purge my mind of desirous thoughts of her.  She's just a friend now.  I can treat her like any other friend.  Any other guy friend, was one person's advice.  That's just what I'm going to do.
After work I talked to one of my coworkers about the whole thing.  Told her how I got shot down, and how a pair of our other coworkers saw me with TheDesire.  I mentioned that they were going to talk because quite frankly they are jealous.  Of what?  I did get shot down, though they don't know that.  The fact that I'm hanging with TheDesire is good enough for them to eat their hearts out.  When everyone found out that I was with TheGirl everyone ate their hearts out, because quite frankly every man wanted her.  I was the lucky dummy that she chose, and of course everyone that didn't get her wondered why I was so special.  Despite the fact that I actually failed with TheDesire, they did see me with her.  And automatically makes them think I'm seeing her.  Score for me.  In short, I come off as a stud.  Now, of course this can lead to a negative reputation.  But deep down inside every man in that library is envious of me.  Sure, I failed to win TheDesire's heart, but I took my shot.  I got closer than any of these other dopes did.  At least I'm living.

Dec 27, Last day of this shortened work week couldn't come fast enough.  But just because I wanted the day to end quickly didn't mean that it was going to.  Friday is the day that I'm the Jack-of-all-trades.  My supervisor knows that she can have me do anything on the schedule, and that means I usually end up doing everything.  That means the day can go quick fast.  The first half of my shift did.  The second half was a little slower because there was less for me to do.  Sucks, because I like when a lot to do means 6pm will show up faster.  I finally had a substantial meal today at lunch.  I didn't finish every last bit, but I did eat enough that I felt full.  That's a first this week.  Most of this week I've had either no meal or a tiny meal throughout the day.  Shortened weeks this year have REALLY sucked.  Fucking shortened weeks.

Dec 28, Today I decided to sleep-in as much as I could.  My internal clock still woke me up fairly early, but thankfully my sleepy body went right back to sleep.  I joked to people that I would sleep all day, and in the back of my mind I thought that I could sleep the majority of the day.  I didn't have any plans.  A couple of weeks ago my aunt mentioned something about preparing for her funeral.  She wanted to buy one of those funeral payment insurances that sends out mailings.  I told her she needed to get her funeral arrangements done before she went ahead and paid for all this stuff.  Today she asked if I could take her to get that done.  So, seeing as I had nothing else to use as an excuse, we went to Forest Lawn to at least get this thing started.  We spend the better part of four hours there getting the preliminary things done.  There is still a lot more she has to do, but at least now it's semi-set.  In two weeks we go again to make the final arrangements.  Then she pays for it in installments and boom, done.
After all that my Buddy O come by for a visit.  He was up here from San Diego to visit his Mom.  He wanted to go see a UFC fight, or perhaps go to a strip club.  I didn't mind doing either, but in the back of my mind I didn't really fancy doing either of those things.  Thankfully the night went on and we didn't do anything.  We just talked and then we had dinner at Tommmy's.  After dinner my buddy drove home.  Quick and easy.  I told him all about TheDesire, all about all the good things like the promotion.  It was good times for sure.

Dec 29, Tonight's Sunday Night football game is featuring two teams I don't really care about.  Because of that I've decided to catch up on some journaling earlier than usual.  Today marks a lot of changes, and they changes will just keep on rolling for the next few days at least.
Today was my aunt's last day at work.  I have NO idea what she plans to do with herself from this point forward.  She has never shown interest in a hobby, or anything of the sort.  I wonder if she's just gonna ride me more because of all the time she will have to focus on my ass.
Tomorrow I start on the reference desk, 10am sharp.  Next Sunday I'll be on the reference desk as well.  Just in time for the playoffs.  Dammit!  I have to dress nice for the reference desk.  I plan on buying a nice shirt every payday, but until then I have a couple that TheGirl gave to me for Christmas.  Woo!  No more dressing semi-casual.  It's all business now.  Also, I will only have an hour between the San Marino job and Glendale.  So, I've decided to focus on sandwiches for lunch on Mondays and Tuesdays.  I went out and bought some cold cuts and some lettuce to make a nice yummy, easy to eat, sandwich.  When I returned home I brewed some tea, made my sandwich for tomorrow, and then ate some dinner.  This is the new routine.  I won't have time to flirt with that one patron either.  Although, I'll have more freedom to flirt while I'm on the reference desk.  Ha!  So, it all works out.
I have a picture of TheDesire on top of this entry because I wanted to reflect on something my buddy said to me last night.  He says I should have kissed, instead of "asking" her out.  He has a point.  he also pointed out that I should try to maneuver myself to become her lover, her non-Armenian fling.  Because they always have at least one fling outside their community.  He has a good point there.  I was going to let this thing atrophy and eventually die on the vine, so to speak.  However, now my buddy has given me a nice little option to work for.  TheDesire as lover is actually much more desirous to me than as my wife.  I liked her enough that I thought I could marry her.  But, if I can bed her and not have to worry about the entire commitment, then that might be better in the short run.  As I write that though I think about how I didn't want that from this point forward.  I want something true.  I wanted something serious with TheDesire.  Not just some fling.  I wanted love.  Thinking of that makes me wonder if I have the heart to be so mercenary and strive to simply be her part time lover.  Something that like, if it came to fruition, would only serve to catch me in a trap where I would fall madly in love with her and she would one day walk away for another man.  Like the story of TheGirl and me, all over again.  I wonder if I could ride that roller coaster again.

Dec 30, It's kinda strange to have two days off, work one day, and then have two more days off.  But, that's what today is for me.  I went into work at San Marino dressed nice thinking I was going to be on the reference desk shadowing one of the reference staff.  WRONG!  I had an email that said I was going to shadow my coworker, but she wasn't there and my boss just said not to worry about it.  So I went about working my regular circulation desk shift.  At the end of my shift I put my fancy shirt on and one of my coworkers remarked, "How come you're all dressed nice and fancy?"  I wonder why.  The shift was pretty uneventful, and so was my night job.  After work TheGirl came up to visit, as she does every monday.  She mentioned how she was going to Knott's Berry Farm tomorrow night, to celebrate New Year's Eve.  I didn't ask her, but she felt it necessary to volunteer that information.  I don't care what her plans are with TheChisel.  As you can see from the above picture, she mentioned just before going to bed that she will be thinking about me on New Years.  I'll probably be thinking of her, but I didn't say that back to her.  She can share this moment with the one she really cares about now, TheChisel, despite her saying she hates him.  I really relished having her see me with TheDesire, but that was a one time thing.  Tonight was my payback, in a sense, for the other night.  Now I get the slap in the face.  But, I've been continually slapped in the face by her relationship with TheChisel.
I told TheGirl the news I did get to tell her is how I booked two different hotels for our next trip to Big Sur.  On that trip I plan on waking up early on Saturday morning and taking some awesome photographs while TheGirl sleeps and possibly gets ready for the day ahead.  I need this.  She can sleep-in if she wants, not me.  Oh, and my buddy O was saying how I SHOULD sleep with TheGirl on the next trip.  I know TheGirl would sleep with me, and perhaps I will partake.  Perhaps I won't.
TheDesire texted me late tonight to say that she was still sick.  She's on her way to Cancun tonight, and she was afraid that the airline wouldn't let her travel.  Just before 9pm she sends me her first text telling me she's still sick.  We texted back and forth for a little bit.  Last thing she told me that she didn't know why she was getting worse.  I tell you, it was nice of TheDesire to text me just before she went off to Mexico.  If I'm not in her heart at least I was on her brain.  Say what you will about her turning me down, it was nice hanging out with her.  I know she thought it was nice hanging out with me to as well.  Not that she can't get a date, because she can for sure in a second.  But she wasn't getting out there.  She has been cloistered for the last few months, not really being very social with men.  I know that in the end she didn't want me in that way, but at least I got my shot.  At least I was there for a moment.
I nearly forgot.  TheGirl got me a bunch of shirts for Christmas.  They looked nice.  I had planned on getting some dress shirts in the next few weeks so I can look nice while I'm on the reference desk.  However, the shirt TheGirl gave me were too small.  I put one on this morning as I was getting dressed for work and found that they were super tight.  ARGH!  I tried a second and it was also super small.  I tossed them aside and put on the shirt I had in my closet for Sunday.  I told TheGirl about the size problem, and she apologized.  She bought the shirts the day she went to downtown and I was in downtown with TheDesire, at least that's what I guess.  She mentioned she got them in downtown, so I figure that's the day she bought them.  As it is, they are totally useless to me since they are SO tight.  They would barely fit Chan.  Perhaps those shirts are a metaphor for this whole relationship with TheGirl.  Nah, they just don't fit.

Dec 31, Last day of the year and I'm sitting here at home writing this while watching some stuff on Netflix.  I wasn't scheduled to work, so I decided to sleep the day away.  I woke up at nearly 11am, made myself some breakfast and then just watched TV.  I was deciding on whether to shower or now when my phone rang.  It was my Montrose job calling to see if I could cover someone's shift.  The person who was supposed to work didn't show, and no one else was available.  I jumped in the shower and burned rubber to get to Montrose by 2pm.  I arrived at 2:05 and finished at 5pm.  Before going home I stopped by Taco Bell and picked up some bad food for dinner.  It hit the spot.
TheGirl told me yesterday that she was going to Knott's Berry Farm to celebrate New Year's.  I didn't react.  I know she's going there with the stupid Chisel.  Yeah, because TheChisel has money, and he's shelling out for Knott's.  Bullshit!  What follows is our text exchange.

TheGirl : Love you (5:29pm)
Me: love you, Chica - Chan wishes you a happy new year (5:41pm)
TheGirl : Happy New Year!! (5:42pm)
TheGirl : Get me the fuck out of here!! Help me Chan (7:14pm)
Me: out? chu crazy Chica - Chan offers you a banana (7:19pm)

As H said when I told her about all this, "YOU MADE YOUR BED, BITCH."  Now I wouldn't go as far as calling TheGirl a bitch, but certainly H is right about TheGirl making her bed and now having to lie in it.  She's the one that HAD to leave me.  I did nothing wrong to her, but she HAD to run in the opposite direction.  She's the one that hangs with that Chisel.  No one is forcing her.  She continually bitches about getting him out of her life.  She's the only one that can do something about that, but does she?  No.  She can't complain if she isn't going to do anything about it.

The picture I have for this entry is of Calvin and Hobbes last comic ever.  In it Calvin pronounces, "Let's go exploring!"  This was a pretty good year in terms of me getting out and exploring.  There's still so much more to explore not only in Los Angeles, but California, and the world.  I've stayed in my backyard for now (California).  But soon I need to expand my scope.  Tourist in my own town, I say to people.  I definitely need to be a tourist here in Los Angeles.  Bring it on, 2014!

I've been doing these 52 week projects for the last three years.  This is year four.