February went by fast, and all I can say is that March flew by as well, and it was packed with events.  Enjoy the update.

March 1, I had the day off today.  Nice to have back-to-back days off.  I haven't had that for a while.  Today's big event was going to see a movie with TheDesire.  She doesn't hesitate when I ask her to hang out.  No one is on her radar, and of course my plan is to linger until she gets that she should be with me.  That plan might never actually work, but I have to try.  I have to be right by her.  I have to show her that time with me is special.  That we make a good couple.  That I'm the right man for her.  Am I the right man for her is another question entirely.  All I know is that I really, REALLY, like her.  My like for her has not diminished despite the fact that she rejected me a couple of months back.  I still think deep down inside that I can win her over.  Time will tell if that's just a pipe dream.
I picked her up from work.  We were both hungry, and she was saying that she wanted to eat something tasty because Monday was the start of Lent and she wouldn't be able to eat certain things.  I took her to Pie n Burger for some yummy burgers and pie.  That place doesn't take credit cards, so I filled my pocket with money.  Good thing because when it came down to the bill she asked if they took cards.  I said I would get it.  $40 for a pair of burgers, Cokes, one plate of fries and pie (and the tip).  A small price to pay for the girl I like.  For the girl I'm trying to win over.  She bought tea before the movie and the movie tickets.  They were $3 each.  Again, I'm not counting.  Money is important to her, and right now I'm making the most money I've made in my life.  I'm not ballin', but I'm doing pretty good.  I can afford a $40 meal and not worry about not having enough to pay a few bills.  I paid off the big bills Friday, car and mortgage.
We went in and saw the movie.  It was good for what it was, a telling of the story behind the making of "Mary Poppins."    It made me well up a few times, tugged at my heart, and made me feel good.  TheDesire needed to get home to have some yummy food with her Mom, so we couldn't hang out.  I would have taken her to a ice cream shop down in Old Town.  They have yummy ice cream.  She would have liked it.  I'm playing all this as the friend.  No longer interested in dating friend.  But I am.  I have held myself back from falling for her, because falling for her would be the dumb move.  Only AFTER she says she is interested in me.  Then I would fall for her in a near instant.  I like her.  The night ended with a short drive back to her car by one of the library branches and me talking to her about art and the movie.  I told her that I wanted to go with her to the Getty Center to check out some Ansel Adams photographs.  After I got home I called my buddy and among other things I told him how in a drunken stupor I bought a framed version of the photo TheDesire named for me.  It cost me $200, and I want to give it to her for her birthday in three weeks.  I thought better of that, but then last night as I talked to my buddy I told him that I would give her the photo.  Yes, I like her THAT much.

March 2, Work was slow to begin with, then became busy around 2pm, and then died out again towards the end of the shift.  I talked to T about her dating deal-breakers.  It reminded me that there are things that people are willing to look past, and other things they aren't.  Makes perfect sense.  T wants a certain kinda of guy in her life.  Of course these things don't work out like this, because despite it being called a meat market, dating is not like going to a store and picking out a particular partner.  It kinda just happens.
After work I went over to TheGirl's place.  For some reason she wanted to have dinner tonight.  She has been making more and more plans with me as of late.  TheChisel is still in her life, but she is certainly cutting him out of her life.  This is where I come in.  I don't mind, as long as it doesn't interfere with my pursuits.  Like hanging with TheDesire last night.  TheGirl and I went to a vegan place in Silverlake.  My potato tacos were OK, nothing SUPER good.  The rice was dry and flavorless.  The beans were good, but I needed chips.  TheGirl ordered a burger, which she let me taste.  I should have gone with the burger, but I didn't want to just have a burger.  One of the things about these vegan restaurants is that flavor takes a back-seat.  Often the ingredients that in theory should be flavorful, more-so because they aren't processed, aren't flavorful at all.  The food I had tonight was rather bland.  I've had bland fast food, but that doesn't pretend to be anything but fast food.  These places say that they're food is healthier and tastes just as good as a non-vegan restaurant.  But it's like how they can't get fake bacon right, because of the nature of what bacon is.. pure fat, they can't get other things right because they take out the very thing that give the food its taste.
During dinner I debated about telling her that I went to see "Saving Mr. Banks."    I certainly wasn't going to tell her with who.  But when I told her last week she told me to be sure to tell her what TheDesire thought of the movie.  I didn't tell her I went with TheDesire, and I didn't offer the information.  I know she wanted to ask, but she didn't.
Lastly I have above a text from Talia.  Our last text of the night.  She sent me a text last night while I was at the movies with TheDesire.  She said something like hey sexy.  I didn't know who it was, because it was a new number for her.  Just as I was going to ask who is this she told me it was her, Talia.  We texted today.  At one point she told me how she wants to have sex with me.  She had been sleeping with a fellow I've mentioned here before, a guy she met at a bar and took home.  She fucked him, they continued to fuck, and then he moved in.  He apparently doesn't have a dime to his name, but Talia was happy to have him around in order to have a fuck.  But now apparently both of them have lost interest and are not fucking.  That's where I come into the picture.  Any time Talia has wanted to fuck I've been down to fuck.  Now she wants to "take pictures" and of course fuck.  I'm willing to do both.  But, she does have that funky pussy of hers that isn't always the most desirable pussy.  I hope she washes that thing, is all I'll say.  We planned on me going over to her place next Thursday for a little fun.  We'll see what happens.

March 3, Today wasn't much of a day.  Before the promotion my week started on Mondays.  Now, Sundays.  Monday isn't quite Monday anymore, but in a sense it still is.  Monday means working the desk with my coworker Esther, and then working in Montrose, and then visiting with TheGirl.  That's been the pattern for a while, with the added bonus of now working on the reference desk.  TheDesire mentioned that she was going to observe Lent, and that she wanted to eat some yummy food before she couldn't until April.  Tonight she sent me a text, viewed above, that she sent me tonight.
I am bacon man number one.  No one I know talks as much as I do about their love of bacon.  TheDesire has had at least a couple of earfuls of my bacon talk.  Of course, deep down inside I hope that this, "I love bacon" thought is really just a way of saying she loves me.  Damn, I only wish she loved me.  I only wish I could win her over.  I only wish she would give me a fair chance.  I would do my best to have her love me the rest of my days.  I would love her the rest of my days.

March 4, Tuesday is pretty chill at San Marino.  I really don't have any set assigned things to do on Tuesday mornings.  But, I find things to do.  Also, my coworkers always turn to me when it comes to circulation issues, since our circulation supervisor isn't around.  I don't feel completely comfortable with this new pseudo supervisorial position my coworkers have promoted me to.  Though, I know why they did it.  Being the most senior of the clerks now, I know the desk inside and out.  When they are in doubt they turn to me because they think I know something they don't.  While that is true sometimes, it's certainly not always true.  I was given a couple of assignments for the big TV, but nothing major.  It wasn't until I arrived at Glendale that the work started.  I was assigned to move the chairs from the upstairs area where the computers are to the dock.  The chairs are fitly, and they are going to get cleaned tomorrow.  But, before they can a pair of workers and me had to move and replace all the chairs.  It took the better part of two hours to take the chairs away and replace them.  But it should have taken less time, if it wasn't for these two dopes (pictured above).  These two, who are regulars at the library, didn't get up when I asked them to swap chairs.  Because of them I had to stay after closing.  The guy on the far left is a dope that finds it easy to complain about every little noise.  The guy on the right is some poor fool that spends his evenings entering lottery numbers into the lotto website hoping to get a winner.  He told me a week ago that he has entered something like 4,000 tickets onto the California lotto website with no luck.  Duh, fool!  Lotteries are great if you hit them.  But for the other poor fools that pay into them and don't get a dime it sucks.  I suspect that this guy goes through the trash looking for discarded tickets.  FINALLY, when the library was closing these two fools got up from their seats, where they plant themselves all night long.  Yes, I was paid for my extra 15 minutes having to wrestle these chairs down to the basement, but I'm a tired guy.  This week is only a couple days old and I'm already feeling tired.

March 5, Today was the last computer class of the latest "semester" I've been doing this.  It feels like so long now.  I kinda wish this was the last time I would have to do this.  I feel like I'm not really teaching these poor seniors how to do anything not the computer.  Also, many of them would be better off buying an iPad and just going online with that instead.  The class went well, but I had to rush through emailing and downloading photos.  I'm just tired of this.  I'm considering saying no the next time they ask me if I want to continue.  I have SO much on my plate these days, and even though this is a little bit I could seriously drop it and I would be that much better.
TheGirl missed work today because she wasn't feeling well.  I told her that I would swing by with some soup and then be on my way.  She didn't want me to fuss, or she had company and didn't want to tell me, or she really just didn't feel well enough to have a caller.  Whatever it was I ended up not going to TheGirl's for dinner tonight.  I took advantage of this to treat myself to a nice dinner.  I've been spending a larger and larger chunk of my money on food.  I hear my Grandmother saying how she would eat out every day if she could, and it makes me want to do the same.  There's some good food out there.  Life is short, too short to deal with horrible food.  I drove down to Old Town Pasadena and had to try a place I've been told about, Slater's 50/50.  The place is a burger joint whose claim to fame is a patty made of 50% ground beef, and 50% ground bacon.  I had a couple of Manhattans in me as well.  The burger wasn't the best I've had.  Last week I went with TheDesire to Pie n Burger, and to me that's still a better burger than this one.  Despite the abundance of bacon on my burger tonight it didn't really taste any better than many of the burgers I've had in this town.  It was good, but not to the point that I was wowed.  I'll probably go back and try something else.  Perhaps something with bacon on top, not in the patty itself.  The drinks were good, and so were the onion rings.
TheGirl later texted me to say she was sad that she didn't get to see me tonight.  I was sad as well.  However, I can see myself getting less sad.  Funny enough, I was more sad about not seeing our stuffed monkey, Chan.  But then again, I can't say that's a fair statement, because the fun of Chan is entertaining TheGirl with the stuffed monkey's antics.  Without that enjoyment from TheGirl he's just a stuffed monkey.  However, the joy of interacting with Chan might make a certain TheDesire happy as well.  In short, I do love my dinners with TheGirl on Wednesdays.  Nevertheless, tonight wasn't so bad without that dinner.

March 6, My friend, Vagabundo Granada, started working with me at the library just over a week ago.  Today he got to go on my Thursday delivery route with me.  It was an unusual route since the boss wanted me to also go to Pasadena to drop something off, AND on top of that the musical instruments that TheDesire bought with that grant I helped her with need to be delivered to Central.  To say it's a lot of work is an understatement.  Vagabundo told me that this was a unique experience, to literally walk in my shoes for a day.  He got to experience not only all these people I talk to him about, but also got to see my work day first hand.  The route was filled with introductions to all the people I've been telling him about for all these months.  He saw TreasuryGirl and confirmed her beauty.  Confirmed the beauty of the Russian girl I mention to him, and of TheDesire.  TheDesire's branch was the last on our stop, and as we left, the entire day weighing on our bodies, he says to me, "You're all good now, huh?" I said yes.  Seeing TheDesire made my day, once again.
My day wasn't over when Vagabundo and I parted ways after work.  I still had a shift at San Marino to work.  Vagabundo marveled at the fact that I survived and was still going.  Thank TheDesire for giving me that second wind today.  Also, working the desk at San Marino is easy-peasy.  After my San Marino shift the gang went and got drinks at a local place just up the road from work.  During the drinking someone asked me why I go to Big Sur so much.  I told them, through tears, the importance of Big Sur in my life.  How I found that waterfall, how that journey changed my life and made me complete.  I always get so emotional when I talk about that first trip to Big Sur.  I want to share that with more people in my life, in hopes that the beauty of Big Sur will change their lives.

March 7, TheMicroManager told me yesterday that today I was going to be on the desk for six hours.  Sure enough, I was on desk for six hours.  I don't mind it since that time goes a little faster than other tasks.  One of my coworkers, TheGirl's friend that still works there, was telling me in the morning that she hates how some of the full timers don't follow the rules.  She is right that their not following the rules only fucks the rest of us up, because it's too often now that a patron will come up to us and try to get a rule bent by saying, "Well, the other guy let me do it."    That fucking sickens all of us, because then we don't have a leg to stand on.  Then we look like the bad guys.  Then we are fucked.  So she told me, and then in the afternoon I saw in her the boss's office.  It then so happened that the boss sent out an email stating that need to follow the rules and not bend then so much as to render them useless.  The email was directed mostly at this one guy who always does shit like give patrons extra time one the computer, and print out stuff for free.  That shit isn't kosher, but we all know he does it every day.
This has been such a tiring work week.  I was glad to just go home and eat something and have a nice cold Coke.  I passed out on my chair.  Earlier this week Talia was saying that her beau, the fella that moved in with her, was going to be away next week.  She wants me to fuck her.  Her beau doesn't fuck her any more.  Probably because he's fucking someone else.  I'm not sure I want to fuck her.  Her pussy always smells.  She doesn't shower every day.  She doesn't believe in that.  OK, don't shower every day if you don't want, but at least clean that hole out.  One time I was fucking her when we were still seeing each other and the stench from her pussy went right up my nose and I couldn't remain hard.  I do need to fuck though, so I figured I'd pop a pill and fuck her this coming Thursday.  The beau was supposedly going out of town.  Like I told my buddy, you don't turn down pussy when it's being handed to you.  Well, sometimes you do, but not often.  I have to at least see if fucking her is any good still.  It was pretty good for a while there when I was still going to CSUN.  But all that's for not now.  Tonight Talia told me that the beau isn't going out of town for the week.  There goes that idea.  Maybe it's for the best.

March 8, Today I decided not to do anything.  I didn't even shower.  I needed a day where nothing was done in order to recover from this week.  I'm currently watching TV, which is what I did all day today.  Watched the end of "The Great Gastby" and jerked off this morning.
Aside from that I did a little photo editing, and fixed an issue that has arisen from two of my websites not playing well with each other.  Some issues remain, but at least I can direct people to my new site.  I did a web search yesterday at work looking for photo contests to enter.  I did a search for contests specifically for Big Sur contests and found one.  I looked today and saw that the other contest I entered way back in January also didn't pick my photo.  Tonight I'm taking my shot at this Big Sur contest.  I have some good shots that I think should get me past the first round, at least.  Of course, if it goes like every other contest then I won't be hearing back from them.
My buddy, Vagabundo, texted that he wants to get some tacos.  He's coming over in a little bit.  More on that later.  For now, I want to add that TheGirl mentioned she was going hiking this morning.  This despite still being sick.  I suspect that Wednesday she lied to me.  I think that when I pressed her on going over to her place she pushed back because she was indisposed, not because she was sick and just wanted to rest.  I texted her three times that I could come over with some soup, and that was met with a "don't worry about it" response.  My buddy came over and we went for tacos.  We now have the work to chat about as well as our lives, so our talks are more frequent and more intense.  One of our coworkers is a divorcee who is attractive and nice.  He's put a beed on her.  I just talk about TheDesire.  We spoke long into the night.  Just a little past midnight TheGirl texted me, but I didn't hear the sound of the message from my phone, so I didn't see it until my buddy left at nearly 1am.  I texted her back, but obviously she was already asleep.  When she texts me that late it's because she's out with TheChisel or TheHusband.  I suspect this time it was TheChisel.  She has done so many bad things to me.  She has hurt me SO much over the time I've known her.  My love, which was once pure for her has been soiled by her actions to the point that I don't look back at it with the wonder I used to have for it.  It's now more of a cautionary tale, a learning experience in a long line of learning experiences.

March 10, Except for the sun going down a little later in the day not much happened today.  At San Marino my coworker Angela and I fielded questions from a lady from the Department of State to get re-certified to accept passport applications.  It was just us asking the questions.  It sucked to be under the gun like that without any boss back-up.  Supposedly the passport boss was supposed to be there, but he hung us out to dry.  Thankfully we knew enough to pass.  We kept the place from losing its ability to accept passports.  We deserve booze and a raise for keeping this thing afloat.
I saw TheGirl after work.  She is really sick.  Of course, I also noticed the roses on her counter, a tell-tale sign that TheChisel has been around.  Fucking bulllshit!  A while back, about a year ago, I made the decision to take some emotional steps away from TheGirl.  I did a pretty good job at that, I believe.  Now it's time to take more steps.

March 11, Today was yet another non-day.  The week is flying by though, I will say that.  I had lunch with Angela, her treat.  Probably because I stood by her as we attempted to answer the inspection lady's questions under pressure yesterday.  I brought my lunch, but it was nice to have some In-and-Out.  I brought my lunch from home, but I couldn't say no to Angela.  I ordered a triple decker burger.  It was damn good.  The rest of the day went really fast.  My evening shift didn't have any highlights.  I did hear TheMicroManager tell another one of the workers that she wasn't there to be yelled at by him.  It was tense moment.  This employee has been working there for two years, but now he's going to stay at Central because TheMicroManager wasn't getting along with the other guy that was working under her.  So much drama at work.

March 12, After a week hiatus TheGirl and I once again had our Wednesday night dinner.  We decided to meet up at Veggie Grill for some good food.  It was good food.  We talked.  She told me about her trip to Vegas next week.  She also told me once again how serious she is about moving to Vegas if she finds a job up there.  I should just let her go and say that it was nice knowing her.  However, I still care for her, and I think still hold on to the idea of her.  I'm certainly not going to go back with her.  Yet, I will say that our dinners, our hanging out, it's a crutch that I use to not have to go out there and find someone.  I don't have the need to rush out into the dating scene.  Not that I've ever had much luck when it comes to that.  Still, it will be a great loss in my life if she leaves.  Nevertheless, if it's meant to be it's meant to be.  New things can come out of this change.  Change is good, and in following with my new philosophy, I'm not going to worry about it until it's happened.  Besides, she's been looking for a job for three years now.  The only reason she has the job she has now is because a friend of hers got her an in.  Again, I'll worry after it happens.  She has given herself two months to find a job in Vegas.
It makes me think of our second to last trip up to Monterey.  She went to a psychic, who told her that she would go on three trips and that someone from her past would appear into her life.  The crazy thing is Vegas is trip two, and perhaps the San Francisco trip is trip three.  Now I don't believe in that psychic shit, but then I had that encounter with that lady in Carmel in November.  She also told me things about my future.  Like the job.  The book thing.  And the new love.  I told my buddy the other day that I STILL hold out hope that I can break down the barriers that TheDesire has put around herself.  The more I think about the idea of us the more I like her.  It's stupid.

March 13, I showed my buddy the route today.  I'm not sure how much of this route I'm actually "showing him," since most of the time it's us doing extra stuff.  Today we had to make two special trips, one to drop off the instruments and the other to pick up some forms that the boss needed to see and sign.  Once again we go past our allotted time and end our shift at 3:45pm.  The boss told us that my buddy Vagabundo is going to go with me on the route for another two weeks and then perhaps he gets tested by the guy who certifies that he's ready to drive the van.
Meanwhile, TheDesire's birthday is next week.  I needed to broach the subject with her, because I want to give her my gift.  And I want to hang out with her.  And I want to kiss her.  TheDesire got kinda melancholy when I mentioned birthday to her.  Right there and then I felt this connection with her.  Outside I got teary eyed, and I'm not exactly sure why I did.  I told my buddy that it's hard not to like her.  I like her A LOT.  I thought I had purged those feelings after she turned me down.  But, the truth is after lull, I now feel more powerful emotions towards her.  Let me put it this way, I like her to the point that I want to save her from this depression she's in.  And I want her to save me from a life alone.  I know I say this ALL THE TIME.  However, she might be my last chance of not being alone.  I wish she would just give me a chance.
On another note, this one from the past, last night TheGirl informed me at dinner that she was actively looking for jobs in Las Vegas.  She did say that the downside of Vegas is that the salaries.  The cost of living is low, but if one is making less than it all evens out.  Here is the text she sent me today after her phone interview.

TheGirl: When you and I were talking last night about no bad juju?  I had a telephone interview today with a company in Las Vegas.  Everything was going super until she mentioned the salary.  Salary was $28,500 a year.  D'oh!

March 14, Work went fast today, mainly because I was on the desk so many hours.  My poor feet hurt.  Roni and I were going to have dinner tonight, but it was amended to include her friend.  Her friend is absolutely gorgeous.  I mean like stunning.  I had three Manhattans tonight before and at dinner.  I hardly ate any of the food.  Yet, being a man I ended up paying for the whole bunch of us.  Hey, my drinks cost more than the food, so it is my fault.  Roni and I were going to talk about her life, but of course with her friend there we couldn't.  And not because the friend was being rude, but because she has heard the story so many times that she doesn't want to talk about it any more.  That's how I feel.  The girls dropped me off and I passed out in my chair because of all the booze I had.  Roni's friend didn't drink, because Roni wouldn't let her.  She told me that her friend was a huge drunk, and nearly got her killed the previous week.  Yeah, pretty girls often do have drama.  The pretty ones are like the mad ones.. the mad ones that are desirous of all things at once, and that burn, burn, burn, like Roman candles.  You know the rest.

March 15, As I've been doing most Saturdays off this year, I slept-in until past 10am.  My aunt went to visit my Godmother, so I took the time to sleep in and then jerk off in the morning.  I stupidly left my iPad at work, and I considered going and fetching it today.  However, I could never get the energy up to actually shower and drive down to work.  I bought some McDonald's for breakfast, because I was craving some bad food after last night's dinner.  I was still so sleepy that I pretty much just passed out in my bed after breakfast/lunch.  I woke up and rented the Veronica Mars movie.  I thought of going to see it in a movie theater for the experience of seeing it with other fans.  But, again, couldn't muster the energy to do that.  I watched the movie, which is a prime set-up for a possible series return.  I did love that show when it aired in the past.  The last season was meh, but the movie was everything I liked about the series.  It wasn't the greatest movie, but it lived up to the hype in my mind.
Just as the movie ended my buddy and I talked on the phone for the next four hours.  Since we work at the same job now we have a lot of insight to share about stuff.  He's trying to navigate his way around that job.  Thankfully my insight from having spent the last six years there has helped him navigate the waters a little more easily.  There are still things he'll have to figure out, but he's smart.  He'll definitely fit in there.  While we were talking, I went back and checked on some old journal entries that I made here on Elsewhere.  It was crazy to see that three years ago I was careless.  Now I near the 60,000 mile mark with Crockett.  Three years ago TheGirl broke up with me.  Today we're planning on going to San Francisco.  Two years ago TheDesire visited me at the Coffee Table restaurant in Eagle Rock with her boyfriend at the time to check out my photos.  This is while TheGirl was off in Hong Kong.  Also two years ago I was passed over for that promotion.  Today I stand triumphant in my new library assistant job.  It's crazy how much has happened in the last couple of years.  How much continues to happen.  Good times, for sure.

March 16, Today is the 17th anniversary of my Mother passing away.  I don't mark this day in any significant way anymore.  I always say it, but it really doesn't seem possible that it's been SO long.  I was thinking about how quickly the time flies.  I didn't do much in my life right after she passed.  And she probably worried about where I would end up in my life, even as her life was ending.  I like to think that she would be happy about how I finally buckled down and got my degree, and got a pair of jobs.  She might not have approved of my relationship with TheGirl, or many of the choices I've made over the years.  Overall I think she would just be happy if I was happy.  And I am happy.  There were some down times, mainly three years ago, when everything seemed to have been going wrong.  Now, things are going great.  The missing pieces certainly include not having my Mother here to see what I've accomplished.  The same goes for my Grandmother, whose anniversary of her passing, I just realized, was a month and a half ago, and I didn't even journal about it because I was having a bad day dealing with my aunt.  In my Grandmother's case it's been nine years since her passing.  The same things I just said about my Mother applies to my Grandmother.  She, more than anyone, wanted to see me finish school.  I didn't until after she passed.  When I finally got that degree it was bittersweet, because she didn't get so see it.  I didn't walk because she wasn't there.  These two woman are all that mattered to me in my life.  I should have doing better by them when they were still alive.  I've done right by them now that they are gone, but it is too late.  What I do now I do still for them, and for myself.
As far was everything else, well work was work.  Nothing too overwhelming.  My coworker Stash and I were thinking of going to a fish and chips place in Alhambra after I got off work.  But the place we really wanted to try was closed today, and every Sunday.  We'll have to do this on a Friday or Saturday.  Bullshit!  I tried to make plans with TheDesire for this coming Saturday, and for a while it looked like we had a solid yes.  But then she mention that she might go out of town this weekend.  She has Friday and Saturday off, on purpose I'm sure.  Perhaps even Sunday off.  I knew she wouldn't want to spend her actual birthday with me, but I hoped for Saturday.  After an exchange of texts it looks like she and I will have to go to the Getty Center NEXT week, March 29th.  I was hoping to have this time with TheDesire, especially since TheGirl is out of town on her own little quest.  I suspect she'll sleep with some guy she knows up there.  Who the fuck knows with her any more.  Not that it should matter to me who she sleeps with.  She should be more concerned with who I am spending my time with.  If only I could crack that veneer around TheDesire.  If only she would give me a tiny chance, a moment to try and win her over.  So, March 29th it will have to be.

March 17, Today started with an earthquake, and it's ending with a emotional realization.  The earthquake this morning was a strong jolt that shook the house pretty well, but apparently left no damage.  Not a fun morning, to say the least.  It scrambled my insides, to the point I couldn't eat breakfast.  I bought some breakfast on the way to work.  By then my stomach finally settled down enough that I could eat something.
Thankfully work was super chill.  I didn't have much to do.  The lady that runs the money raising thing in the back of the library told me last week that she was going talk to me about slowly moving some of Stache's workload to me.  Nothing happened today when she came in.  Oh, I happen to know that the assignment the boss told me she wanted me to do is now done by one of the non-fulltime librarians.  I see her ordering books while we're on the desk.  I'm good with that, to tell you the true.  The assignments I have now are enough o occupy my time.  My second job of the day went well also.  That is until the moment when my boss asked me if I was finished with the busy work assignment she gave me last week.  I wanted to just give up right there and then.  I fucking hate busy work.  It's so mind numbing.
After work TheGirl and I went over to her place.  She remarked how quiet I was.  Then she told me that she was going to have a job interview on Friday in Vegas.  The one last week was going well until they told her how much she would be making.  This one may go the same route, but she's still determined to move out to Vegas.  Henderson, to be exact.  Whatever the fuck that is.  She has given herself two more months to find a job and move out there.  It sucks to have TheGirl up and leave town like that, and it hasn't even happened.  This last bit of news just put a cap on a horrible day.  Thanks Universe.

March 18, Yesterday sucked, and today started out like it was gonna continue the streak.  I got into work and I had to redo something I did last week.  There were just too many mistakes with the mini project I was given, which was to make a flyer to warn patrons that the library's parking entrance was going to be be closed due to them resurfacing that part of the lot.  I just couldn't get things to work out right with the whole thing.  It took me my entire four hour shift to do it justice.  But at the end I had it.  I was feeling frustrated, so I went to The Hat for some pastrami.  I figure that I needed some yummy pastrami to help me fend off the bad vibes that was this week's events.
After I had that pastrami sandwich everything went green.  The day went smooth, and for the most part things just fell back into place.  Tomorrow, Disneyland with TheGirl.  It might be the last time we go there together, if she gets this job in Vegas.  Not to wish her bad luck, but I think a move to Vegas is a move to oblivion.  I don't think people go to Vegas to make their dreams come true, I think they take their dreams there to die.  Of course this is coming from someone who will miss TheGirl very much when she leaves.  Here's part of the exchange we had via text today that pretty much sums up my feelings.

Me: me sorry Chica - just venting like I did when I said "you and your damn kidney" - being selfish - me sorry
TheGirl: True. The kidney thing wasn't meant to be.  This is.  I plan on being back here as often as I can. I don't even have a job yet. Yet...
Me: yeah.. true... but I'm just saying I'll miss you
TheGirl: You don't think I'm going to miss you? That's the hard part.  Everything else is easy
Me: :/ at the end of the day i'll just have to learn to let go a little more
TheGirl: Don't do that.  That's snot nice.

At the end of the day it will be about me letting go of her a little more each day.  We've been in this pseudo relationship/friend thing for longer than we were ever in an actual relationship.  In essence I've put my love life on hold because I've had her around.  We don't have sex with each other, but that companionship is more important than the sex at this point of my life.  Once again she is leaving my life.  I know what I must do.  Two things.  Hope she doesn't move to Vegas.  Or, just let her go once and for all and know that the inevitable will be that she will one day soon not be an integral part of my life.

March 19, TheGirl asked me to take a random Wednesday off to go to Disneyland.  I agreed, and today was the day.  Little did I know that the specter of her leaving for Las Vegas and slipping out of my life was going to haunt the visit.  I'll skip the details about what rides we went on, and just get to the important stuff.  TheGirl has an interview with someone on Friday.  Today was meant to be fun, but the looming change in my life is just too real to have that much fun today.  Still, I managed to hang a great time.  We meet up with a friend from her past, someone that knows TheHusband.  We quickly separated when her friend's wife/girlfriend threw her backpack at him.  TheGirl saw this and said to him, "Oh well, we'll see you later.. we're going to get a drink."  We didn't go get a drink, at least not right away.  We had a fast pass for Big Thunder Mountain.  She just wanted to get away from them at that point.  We did end up going to get a drink after we went to Big Thunder at our appointed time and saw that it was closed.  One of the employees assured us that when the ride was up and running our fast pass was still going to be honored.  We headed over to DCA for a drink, and while talking honestly made fast friends with a pair of women that had been listening in on our conversation.  They said they couldn't help but listen because our conversation was so interesting.  When TheGirl and I drink we get honest.  All the bullshit that she put me through comes out and I spill the beans.  She can't do anything but apologize for her actions, but it's too damn late for that shit.  I suppose I simply want her to feel the pain I was put through by her stupid thoughtless actions.  Certainly I couldn't get away from the fact that TheGirl plans on getting this mythical job and moving to Vegas in three weeks.  It's definitely a case of counting her chickens before they hatch, but she's determined to move.  So, if not this job then another.  She said she's giving herself two months to find something in Vegas.  If she doesn't, she stays at her current job and looks for an apartment in the Valley.  Certainly I know this isn't the last time I'll go to Disneyland with TheGirl.  But there is an energy building that happens when a change is coming.  I could feel it before I got this promotion at San Marino.  I can feel it now.
TheGirl's move will pain me, but I will have the opportunity to seek out a girlfriend.  My time spent with TheGirl is like a crutch.  I don't seek a relationship really because I have a pseudo relationship with TheGirl.  I will, in time, learn to have her out of my life on a day to day basis.  We will communicate via text, of course, talk on the phone and such.  But it will wain, as I suppose it should.  I want to redouble my efforts to get TheDesire, even though I think at the end it will be a futile endeavor.  Still, I have to give it one last push.  Can't just give up.  And I guess that's the theme for all this today.  TheGirl wants to change her life, and has she said today and many other days, "When I want something, I get it."  She wants to move to Vegas.  No one gets everything they want.  I think the move to Vegas is like saying you have given up.  Here you can make dreams come true.  Vegas is where your dreams go to die.

March 20, MicroManager asked my buddy Vagabundo and I to start early today.  8am to be exact, to set up some chairs before we went on the route.  Little did we know that our day would be the longest day ever.  We started with the chairs.  Then we went and dropped off a bunch of stuff at the Brand library.  There are a ton of books that need to return to the Brand library.  Last week MicroManager's boss made her get this done.  The shit runs downhill, so it's up to us to actually get those books to the library.  We made a special trip in the morning, then did our route, and then went on yet another special trip to Brand again.  I then told MicroManager that I had seen some boxes in the dock area that looked like they were going to Brand.  She then made us go a THRID time to Brand.  Vagabundo and I didn't end our day until 7pm.  An eleven hour day!  We were worked like rented mules.
While on the route we stopped at where TheDesire works, of course.  I wished TheDesire an early happy birthday.  She then got all melancholy again, saying that she didn't want anyone to remember her birthday.  Adding that she had yelled at her parents because they wanted to make a big thing about her birthday, and she didn't.  I told her I had a gift for her.  She shrugged it off saying I shouldn't have gotten her anything.  I said that it would be an insult if she didn't take it.  She said fine.  But it was just a fine to placate me.  This was the moment I knew my want to chase TheDesire was over.  She should have been appreciate that I got her something.  Even if it was fake appreciation.  Also, I am seemingly the only person that cares to reach out to her and really know if she's OK.  I know she's not, and of course that bugs me.  But no longer.  I told Vagabundo that it was done, I was keeping my gift.  TheDesire doesn't want it, and I don't want to give it to her.  I've tried, and tried, and tried with this woman.  She wasn't appreciative when I asked her out.  I've always been flattered when a woman has desired me.  Means they have good taste, of course.  Ha!  But I never got that from TheDesire.  Even if I wasn't interested, I was still always flattered when a girl liked me.  As of today I won't text her, ask her to hang out, or do anything extra ordinary.  While on my route I'll be civil, but not more making an effort to talk to her and see how she is doing.  I've even decided to take all but two of her pictures from my site.  The two I keep I do so because they are good examples of my skills.  I will make no effort any more.  I once thought she was very special, someone that I needed in my life.  I desired her.  Hence the nickname.  That's all done now.  I am always slow to pick certain things up, and in this case I'm three months late to this dance of realizing that she isn't the one I should be focusing my energy on.  It's been nice admiring you TheDesire.  I still love your body for its femininity and beauty.  However, you have shown to me that you can't be saved.  At least not in my Universe.
After work Vagabundo and I went to Van Nuys to get some tacos de carne asada.  Afterward I bought us a round of drinks at the Valley Inn.  What a long day.

March 21, Today is TheDesire's birthday.  Everyone posted happy birthday on her Facebook wall.  But I didn't.  First off, she didn't want to remember this day.  Second, I'm not making the effort any more.  Her actions have been crystal clear to everyone but me when it comes to this, but I finally see the light.  She doesn't want to be with me.  I fooled myself into thinking that despite her rejection of me a few months ago that I could still win her over.  That I still had a chance, if I could just try hard enough.  There's no getting through to her though.  I wanted to love her, but she doesn't want to be loved by the likes of me.  Perhaps she's smart not to get involved with me.  I'd love her too much.  Whatever, TheDesire is persona non grata in my book from this day forward.  I kept my gift.  I might as well hang it on my wall.  I've been a fool, but it's time to chance that into not a fool.  I so wanted TheDesire.  With all my heart.  That's over now.
Work was kinda chill today.  There was a steady amount of patrons, but there wasn't that much to do on the desk.  Still, it kept me busy.  TheGirl drove up to Vegas for her interview/visit a friend thing.  She told me she would text me soon as her interview was over.  She didn't even get to have an interview though.  The idiot that was supposedly going to interview her for a job flaked at the LAST MINUTE.  He texted her that he couldn't' make it after she had already driven to Vegas.  That's such a bullshit move.  Of course this means no job in Vegas.  This means she might still move, but this job isn't going to be the one that she moves for.  There still might be another job, or another time for the interview.  However, today TheGirl's efforts were thwarted by a person that is simply following the careless nature of people these days.  No one seems to have any forethought.  Everyone seems to be searching with blindfolds on their eyes for the answer.  But they don't take the time to ask the question.  Fucking bullshit!  I don't know what this means as far as Vegas being an option now.  TheGirl pinned so many hopes on this job coming through.  It still might.  For now, it seems as though her plans will be placed on hold, at the very least.  And at worse, her efforts will have to focus on making a go of it here in Los Angeles.

March 22, I asked TheDesire to go to the Getty with me last week, knowing that yesterday was her birthday and all.  As I said in the last entry, I wanted to give her her gift.  But since I'm no longer going to make an effort with her I decided that I should go to the Getty this week, and not the next as she wanted.  If she reaches out to me and says "let's go to the Getty," I will likely go with her.  I do like her company.  This test will surly end with her not contacting me and suggesting that.  And then this whole thing will be complete.  Done and done with TheDesire.  All this brings me to going to the Getty today.  I wanted to see that Ansel Adams display, as well as the Jackson Pollack mural.  Knocked those two things off the to do list.  I took some nice pictures of the Getty.  The buildings there lend themselves to nice pictures. After the Getty visit I could have gone home, but I wanted to try a burger joint that I saw online.  One might call this month "burger month" since I've had so many burgers.  This place is called Burger Lounge, and the one I went to was in Santa Monica.  Nice place, the burger was good.  Nothing super spectacular, but serviceable.  I liked the soda and the onion rings.  In a pinch I might go back, but I wasn't THAT good that I HAVE to return.  I drove home on San Vincente.  It's a pretty road that cuts across Santa Monica into Brentwood.  It's always been a favorite route of mine when I'm in Santa Monica.  I've been watching Batman: the animated series on Amazon for the last couple of hours.  My buddy texted to to say he was "warm" from the booze he had.  I need a belt, though I don't have that much booze in the house.  I nearly bought some last night on the way home, but thought better of it.  It's still earlier yet. TheGirl texted me this morning, just briefly to tell me that she was going to see the giant ferris wheel on the Strip.  I didn't post any Getty pictures on my Instagram or Facebook because I don't want TheDesire to know I went.  Again, this is a test.  I KNOW she won't mention going, but I have to see if she does.  Seriously doubt it.
What's more important is that I need to just stop looking.  TheDesire doesn't want me, and really no woman wants me.  I'm hideous, not charming, and an all around terrible person.  Why would any woman want to be with me?  Huh?  Love hasn't gotten me anywhere in this world.  I deleted my Tinder account (2nd attempt) and I just deleted my OKcupid account.  I'm tired of looking.  As I walked the ground of the Getty center I thought to myself that I need to purge myself of any desire to be in a relationship.  I've said it many times in the past, but this time I need to focus all my energy into this project.  Certainly not looking for someone will not take much of an effort.  That takes nearly zero effort.  No one is looking for me, so giving up will be easy in the long run.  The job is nearly done already.  What my efforts have to focus on is not wishing for a chance with a woman.  Not getting a crush on any of them.  Not wishing for something to materialize romantically.  It's been a completely futile cause in my life.  TheGirl was my one respite from the lone life.  That lasted less than a year.  In this life I'm just not worthy of love.  I knew long ago that I wouldn't have much luck in love throughout my life.  TheGirl was my one hope for a different life than that.  Once that failed it became my destiny to be alone.  What I have to do in the next few weeks is accept that and make an effort to live with that fact.

March 24, I can't report much about work, because it was just work.  However, what I can report on is TheDesire texting me today.  Look above for our small exchange.  I knew she would contact me.  I am making a minimal effort to respond.  Apparently she has a huge explanation for me.  Like I care, at this point.  She told me she would call me, but then when I told her I was free to talk she informed me that she went out to see a movie with her friend.  You know, I pinned so much hope in TheDesire.  I wanted nothing more than to have her in my life.  Now as we dance around this whole thing I want to walk away and save myself the heartache of liking her a lot.  I nearly wrote love, but I don't love her.  I WANTED to get to the point that I could say I loved her, and she loved me.

March 25, My aunt needed me to drive her to and from an outpatient surgery this morning.  Because of that I missed my morning job, not like they missed me much.  My aunt's surgery went well, and right now she's resting in her room.  She seemed happy because it seems to have been a successful procedure.  I'm glad.  I worked my evening job, after warning them that I might not show up.  I had to cover my bases, just in case my aunt needed me to stay later into the day.  But, I didn't have to worry.  Everything came off without a hitch.  Work was work.  I was on the desk for four of my five hours.  It does make the time go by, but at the same time standing on one place for that amount of time tires out my feet.
Then something surprising happened.  While talking to my buddy Dane I received an email from TheDesire.  It was a posting for a full time job at Beverly Hills.  That library and I have been doing a dance since I graduated CSUN.  I finally got hired a few months ago, only to have to turn it down because of the San Marino promotion.  TheDesire is looking out for me, which makes me hate myself for thinking that I needed to not give her the time of day any more.  She's not in a good place, I know that.  I WANT to help her find happiness, while of course finding happiness in her as well.  All I've ever wanted is a partner though this terrible life.  I thought TheGirl was my last great chance at that lasting love.  Her flaws made it that she was just a stop in that quest.  I thought that TheDesire was that person.  I was wrong there as well.  Or was I?  Yeah, I was.  It's wishful thinking to think that TheDesire and I will end up together.  As much as I may wish it, it won't be so.

March 26, After work TheGirl and I met up on Melrose for dinner at a Mediterranean place that had lots of positive reviews online.  Thankfully the place was super good.  The food was ultra yummy.  Melrose was a nice change from the usual stuff.  TheGirl and I spoke about her looking for a place in North Hollywood.  She was given the advice that she should try to find something in the next two weeks in Vegas, but that if it doesn't pan out that she should make the move to the Valley to live.  I agree with that.  I rather she just look in the Valley now, instead of in two weeks.  Vegas is a dead-end, I think.  However, she's gonna do what she wants to do.  I don't want her to leave for Vegas.  A huge part of my life will change if she does.  After dinner we walked up and down Melrose.  We walked into a "gallery" and saw the "art" that was on display.  We joked that it was wonderful, way better than my work.  Of course it is.  My work isn't on a wall on Melrose.  Fuck, I can't win.  I told TheGirl about the possible job in Beverly Hills.  Of course she encouraged me to go for it.  I'm definitely going for it.  I do like my current jobs, and I love the people I work with.  However, right now the job in Beverly Hills would be absolutely perfect.  It would mean full time employment, a significant raise, and a change.  The air of change is definitely lingering in my life these days.  There's no stopping change.  I used to hate change, but now I embrace it.

March 27, Work was actually chill for the first time in weeks on a Thursday.  I'm still showing my buddy around the route, but at least today we didn't have to make four extra trips anywhere.  TheDesire looked real down when I went to our last stop.  She admitted as much to me.  She knows she's not in a good place right now.  Of course, I wish I could do something about it.  If only I had something within me to help her.  But help doesn't work that way.  Although, of course I'm going to say that if she just let me love her, and she love me back, that all would be right with the world.  Perhaps it's naive to think that such a thing is possible.  Any of it, but certainly the part where I think that being with me would help her feel happier.  Then again, when I first started with TheGirl I was super happy.  Much happier than I had been in a long time.
I went to visit Talia, after playing tag with her on this visit for weeks.  Boy, was I disappointed.  It was the same old Talia, dirty, a big mess.  Everything that made her unattractive to me so many years ago continues to be true.  I didn't even desire having sex with her.  I wanted to get my photos and get out.  Actually, I wanted to get out, but I had to take some photos to justify the visit.  I took maybe 25 photos.  Only the one shown above was any good.  She's bloated, falling apart, and just no.  I keep forgetting, or wanting to forget, what she's like.

March 28, Yesterday MicroManager told me that she wanted me to work on Saturday, but gave me the option of working today.  After thinking how I need my one day off, at least, I agreed to take today off.  Good idea.  However, I didn't tell my aunt that I had the day off.  She was going to be given a ride to the doctor's this morning by my cousin's husband.  If I told her I was off she might have told him that I was going to take her.  I had plans, and I need to not be running errands on my day off.  So I bolted out the door a little later than usual, saying it was because I was working Saturday.  I drove out to the Malibu pier on a whim.  Probably remembering that TheGirl went a few months ago and was raving about it.  She went with TheHusband, I went with Chan.  I took some pictures and wandered around waiting for the time when I would go to Santa Monica to TheGirl's job and have lunch with her.  She asked me as soon as I told her I had the day off.  We went to the Counter, a nice burger joint that I remember going with the Silmarillion many moons ago.  I also went with Talia, now that I remember.  It's funny to go back now to certain places with different women in my life.  After a nice lunch I spirited away to Glendale.  I was going to have dinner with my coworker, who doesn't have a nickname, but she's the one that I was flirting with a lot last year.  She mentioned how we should get something after work on Friday.  Course, I did't work today, so I had to make a special trip.  She's got a ton of problems going on in her private life.  Too many for a naive guy like me to deal with.  She's still with her fella, even though last year I thought she mentioned in a cryptic sort of way that she wasn't.  But obviously if she did leave him she went right back.  I just don't get why she and other woman that are smart and seemingly have everything on the ball can't find it inside themselves to leave these dopey men.  I am drawn to flawed and damaged and helpless woman.  However, in this case I need to stay far away.  My coworker's friend openly asked her if she and I were fucking.  Obviously this means she wants to, or has told her friend she wants to.  I need to stay away.

March 29, Today was a marathon at work.  I first started on the desk, continued upstairs, and then was on the desk making sure no stragglers got into the library.  When there are events at the library a pair of people have to stay and make sure no one that isn't going to the event gets into the library, while the other person monitors the event itself.  Tonight I got to the be the doorman.  An easy job since all I do is sit at the front desk telling stragglers that the library is closed.  Usually I only have to do that for about an hour after the library has closed.  For these kinds of gigs I usually take my iPad with me so I can entertain myself.  I also have the computers at circulation to keep me occupied.  It wasn't hard work, but an eleven hour work day will still take it out of you.  We had a good sized aftershock from the earthquake last night hit during my shift, but I didn't feel it.  I was too busy bouncing around the desk helping patrons to notice the slight movement.  On the 5 o'clock hour I was on the upstairs desk helping a girl from India.  Cute little thing, and of course helpless.  I thought she was cute, and wanted to ask her out for dinner some time.  But then I remembered how my buddy and I were talking about my type, the type of woman I seem to go to... wounded and helpless.  This girl was definitely both.  She couldn't figure out how to apply for a job, and she was worried that her credentials weren't good here in the U.S.  She has a Doctorate and yet she works as a "care giver."  She didn't seem too happy about that.  She also lamented about how everything here is done on computer, even applying for a job.  Yeah, it's the way of the world.  I explained to her that employers prefer that because now they can just shuffle what they believe are qualified candidates up and those that don't just get dumped, having no one actually see their application.  I don't know if she got what I was saying, because she had a perplexed look on her face.  Then again, maybe the magnitude of what I said really hit.  My buddy was telling me about his run-ins with patrons, and today I had a bunch.  I even had an argument with one lady that shows up all the time.  She was asking me questions and at one point accused me of playing games.  I responded by saying that she was playing games.  I just didn't give a fuck.  Still, I have to calm myself down, this isn't good behavior.

March 30, Work was work.  I got paid today for helping a half dozen patrons today, tops.  I also got paid to talk for an hour with a patron about old movies.  Nice!  Tonight my coworker T mentioned how I said that I never wanted to get married.  I corrected her by saying that inside every cynic is a romantic.  Of course I wanted a child, a family, a wife.  Chan is the embodiment of that want.  What grown man walks around puppeteering a stuffed monkey?  Know why I do it?  Chan is the embodiment of that desire to have a child.  A monkey that TheGirl calls "Little man" is nothing but that desire to be a father incarnate.  The fact that NO ONE gets that surprises me.  My love for Chan should be a red light to everyone that knows me and knows Chan is a huge part of my life.  Because nothing screams I want a child like me holding a stuffed monkey and working his actions that mimic that of a child.  I guess people aren't as perceptive as I thought.  Wait, I know they're not perceptive.

March 31, Last day of the month and the other shoe finally fell at San Marino.  The guy whose job I've been "groomed" for is moving on.  He will still sub every other Saturday, but in essence he won't be working at San Marino any more.  He has two other jobs that are taking up his time.  That means I now get to do his job.  We'll see how that goes.  Of course all this is happening even as I submitted my application for that Beverly Hills job.
Montrose was chill tonight because the big boss woman left early.  Apparently her mother isn't feeling well.  Not that I want her mother to be ill, but it was nice not having the big boss woman around tonight.  I got all my work done and didn't feel pressure.  Tonight TheGirl was saying that she met someone at an event this weekend.  A job recruiter's friend from Vegas that supposedly might could help TheGirl get a job in Vegas.  She said that was Saturday.  As of this night that recruiter hasn't contacted her.  I hope she doesn't go to Lost Vegas.