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Afterthoughts : This Past Month
This month has been a bit of a blur. Time seems to be speeding up even more each day. To the point that things that felt like they were only a few weeks ago are turning out to be a year or more ago. My co-worker mentioned that her baby was turning one years old this month. So it's been a year since I worked at one of the branches, because I was covering for her while she went on maternity leave. It was also a year ago that I made my first dedicated trip to Big Sur (more on that later). Now July marks not only the anniversary of that trip, but the forth time I'll be traveling up there. Well, here's what happened in June.
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James Turrell's "Light Reignfall" at LACMA
June 1, Today I went to LACMA with TheGirl and TheKids (her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend). Oh, and leave us not forget Chandaka monkey. TheGirl's daughter wanted to go down to Venice, and I suggested the La Brea tar pits. So we decided to go down to LACMA and walk the grounds. But, TheGirl knows someone that works there, and he's gotten us in for free or for less to special events and exhibits. We didn't see him at the box office, so we decided to try the other box office. And funny enough, just as we were going up the stairs we saw him coming down the stairs. He hooked us up with some tickets, for free! Woo! He then mentioned something about a special exhibit that's sold out until September, James Turrell's "Light Reignfall." Which is an immersive light show, to put it in very simple terms. One enters that round thing pictured above like a pizza enters an oven, and once inside you experience a ten minute program of lights and tones. I was a little frightened at first, because I didn't know what to expect. Once inside it was quite cool. I described it as something akin to the light gate in the movie 2001. Yet, it wasn't quite like that, in that the lights didn't have a equator that they centered around. The device is in the shape of a dome inside, so there's no real perception of distance or space. Just lights flashing and changing in color. In short, it was neat. Following that we all went to see the Kubrick exhibit. It's leaving soon, so it was cool to see it again. The time I went with TheGirl we didn't get to linger much because we arrived at nearly 6pm and the museum closes at 7pm. But this time we were able to linger and check out all the little things on display. Also, the museum let us take pictures. Not sure why on the previous visit they didn't allow photography but this time they did. Hmm. Following LACMA we jetted down to Venice, which was overcast. We walked and talked. Being hungry we needed to find a place to eat. TheGirl has been down to Venice many times and she directed us to a place named "The Sidewalk Cafe." Food was good. We walked some of our meal off and then headed back to the car since it was getting dark and cold. We decided to get some ice cream. TheGirl did a google search and found a few results. She named one, the "Sweet Rose Creamery" and I thought that the name was pretty cool, so we decided to check it out. The ice cream was pretty good, especially some of the more offbeat flavors. After that we went home. I let Chandaka "drive" the car in my lap. That monkey had the car cracking up with laughter. He just looks so cute whatever he does, because of the way I puppeteer hims. I have him check his rearview mirror, his side mirror, and honk the horn, and bounce to the rhythm of the music. Of course that little monkey is gonna look cute. He looks cute without doing a thing.
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Chandaka's eye
June 5, Today I worked a double shift at San Marino. I don't know how my co-workers are able to work the afternoon shift. It's just non-stop. At least when I'm on the desk it is. Today was no exception. The morning part was chill, like it always is. Then the afternoon came and beat me up. I had to do a passport, then ready them for the mail. Then also check in a bunch of magazines for deletion. Like I said, it was non-stop. Finally got out and went to a liquor store to buy some booze to take over to TheGirl's place. Her daughter fixed us dinner, and I thought that the least I could do was buy some booze. It was a nice dinner, we had a good time. After dinner there was a moment close to the end of the night that did seem a little off. TheGirl mentioned how she didn't have any plans for Friday, and that she was looking forward to spending the night alone and sleeping in on Saturday. I said to her, "sure you're going to be alone tomorrow." I was implying that one of her many men would show up, TheChisel, TheHusband, the guy she's fucking on the side. Anyone of them, I'm sure. When I pressed the joke to much she wanted to make a bet. When I pressed again she got up and said to me, "You think you know me, but you don't know me," in a brusque manner. She was not happy. After her reaction I just got quiet and played with Chan. She noticed I was quiet, and when I was on my way out she become apologetic and quiet and told me she loved me. I told her the same. She told me to text her when I arrived home, but I was still pretty drunk. I went to my car, set an alarm for 25 minutes and when I woke up I sent her a text saying I arrived. Then I set an alarm for another half a hour. Before my alarm could go off my phone rang. It was my co-worker from Glendale that's been having a hard time at work the last few months. She wanted to vent. At some point I finally felt sober, so with my co-worker still on the phone I drove home. The night ended with me talking to my cousin about the plans for this weekend. She was supposed to come celebrate her birthday with my aunt and I on Saturday. But something has come up and she can't make it. I would tell her to come Sunday, but I have plans to go to Disneyland with TheGirl Sunday. That's why I mentioned it to my cousin about coming over on Saturday, because her actual birthday is on Sunday. So yeah, my plan worked but then the plans have changed. Oh well. I went to bed thinking how stupid I've been to allow TheGirl to still get to me like she did tonight. I still care too much fo her. That has to change. I need to find a girlfriend. I need to slowly step away from TheGirl. I still want to remain friends, but there still is a tension of resentment from me to her about her actions towards me regarding last year and TheChisel. I don't think I was treated right, and that still hurts. So much that a part of me just wants to hurt her back in spades. So that she understands what I felt. But you know what? That's completely childish and petty. I have to stop trying to punish her with my words. I've always had a sharp tongue, and when I allow it it can be like a dagger. That's not a positive quality, especially when I'm trying to remain TheGirl's friend. Ultimately that might be impossible.
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AE, the girl I think I like - THINK?! Yeah, I like her
June 6, Thursday fun-day today. Had a light load on the route, but my afternoon run had a lot of stops, and a lot of boxes. AE had been quiet for the last week. I didn't initiate a texting conversation because for all my efforts to try to get closer to her she balks and walks the other way. But then, not entirely. I can see that she likes me. To what extent I'm not sure. If I take my hope and desire out of the analysis I would say she likes me very much as a friend. And, potentially as a boyfriend, if not for some barriers that she has placed along the way for herself. Certainly the cultural barrier is there, and that's something only she can break. My non-ambition is another problem for her. Those are just two things that I think she thinks about when the thought of liking me comes up. But I tell you, I do sense something between us. I see it in her face. She lights up. She told me that one of these days "A long conversation is needed." She and I have great talks, and honestly I think that's the best foundation for any relationship. Nevertheless, the both of us might still be in love with our ex-relations. I think enough time has gone by for the both of us to realize that those we were with dumped us, we didn't dump them, and that means longing for them to return is wrong. All that does is set us up for pain. I do love TheGirl, but the other day I did ask myself if I felt I was still in love with her and I could answer that I wasn't. Not in love anymore. Everyday I try to get to the point that some day if our friendship ends I'll be able to just walk away with no regrets. And then we have AE, who is smart, beautiful beyond what I ever thought a girlfriend of mine could be, and today I realized that I'm developing a crush on her. I mean I'm REALLY liking her. I see the way she reacts towards me and my mind interprets that as a good thing, as a sign that I should like her. One of my co-workers in San Marino is a no nonsense girl. She told me straight up and I'm just not aggressive enough. There are opportunities that I'm letting go to waste because I don't make the move. This I know. It is the story of my life. All the relationships that I've been in have been initiated by the girls that I've been with.
But then again, maybe I'm seeing things I want to see. Because today I was pretty sure that another co-worker, a girl TheGirl was friends with before I came along, was looking at me in a "certain" way. Not flirty, but like friendly and like trying to figure me out. If I could I would so fuck her. She has a big beautiful butt. She'd probably boss me around, but I'd love to fuck her. Almost out of spite, knowing TheGirl would be peeved, to say the least. I think that means I'm an angry man inside. I think that means I'm not over what TheGirl did. I say I am, and that I'm OK with it all, but I'm not. Saying I want to fuck her friend out of spite, and saying things like I did the other night, shows me I'm still angry at her. I need to let go of that anger. If only to finally move on. Especially if I expect to find someone new. AE is now on my mind. Today I wanted to kiss her. To finally just tell her, "Give me a chance.. give me a chance to love you." I mean straight up just like that. I think fortune does favor the bold, and I'm old enough where I should be bold without fear.
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Lemon meringue pie, ordered by my buddy El Vagabundo
June 7, This week was pretty tough, but more so for my buddy. By mid week I told my buddy that we needed to get some pie. He agreed. I met him after work and we went off to Pie n Burger, but then he told me how he's been reading all these negative reviews of the place online. And to be sure, the food has never been suspect. The service has been bordering on horrible. The last time I went there was a few weeks ago with TheGirl and her daughter. The burger was yummy, but it our orders were all wrong. TheGirl's burger didn't have tomatoes, and her daughters had grilled onions, which is what I ordered but didn't get on my burger. It was a mess. So I told him that maybe it was best we just go for the pie and not get a full meal there. So we ended up going to another place I frequented with TheGirl, the Big Daddy grill on Foothill in Pasadena. They had pretty good burgers at a reasonable price. I knew the bud would like them, and he did. But the topper was pie from Pie n Burger. He loved his slice of lemon meringue pie. I had him taste some of my apple, and he approved. The pie is GOOD, he said. So yeah, fucking good times. We then went back to my place and drank like a pair of fishes. He left at 3am after we had both taken turns passing out after having some quickly made watermelon martinis. As I told him in one of my texts, "The demons of the week shall be killed with vodka." And sure enough, they were.
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Santa Monica civic auditorium
June 8, A co-worker of mine that often attends craft shows gave me a free ticket to one happening in Santa Monica. I was gun-ho to go, until this morning. I thought about how I don't want to do this. I don't want to try and hustle my work out in craft shows. My photography is much more important to me to just hang it up at these craft shows hoping someone will buy it. I simply want people to look at it. Buying it is now out of the equation. I don't care to sell it. Mainly because I know it's no use trying to get people to buy it. I'm not a known artist, I'm not hanging in some museum, and that means I'm a nobody. My photography is good, and is natural (not overly photoshopped). I just want to share it with the world. I hoped to make money off it, but really at this point the money isn't important. It never was, actually. The photographers that were exhibiting and selling their stuff at this craft show were good. I'm not going to say they weren't. But their work reflected more a sense of focusing on what sells rather than what I think they think is going to sell to a mass audience. Let's just put it this way, I don't think I should be selling my stuff at some art show. My work is good, and should be appreciated. However, I know it's not appreciated and won't be for the foreseeable future. But you know what? I don't do it for anyone else. I do it for me. And for me it shall stay.
I walked through the entire fair in about 25 minutes. I found some street parking, and put in about an hour and fifteen minutes worth of time. When I came back I still had forty minutes left. I took San Vicente back and forth. That's a nice drive because San Vicente is so green and pretty. Huntington, by where I work, also has a median with trees, but the trees are nowhere as nice as the ones on San Vicente. Also, the air is cooler because of the proximity to the ocean. Suffice to say the drive was the highlight of my day. I did some shopping at Target, buying some toiletries and other stuff I needed. I then watched old episodes of House online. Tomorrow, Disneyland with TheGirl.
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Mickey Mouse on Main Street - his natural habitat
June 9, For the last three weeks, since we last went to Disneyland, TheGirl and I have been waiting to return to the happiest place on Earth. This trip might represent one of the last we'll be able to talk under the end of Summer. Mainly because of TheGirl's blackout dates. I mean, I can go any time, but it's much more fun with TheGirl. Perhaps someone else will want to go, though. Anyway, I digress. Disneyland was pretty packed. However, TheGirl and I still managed to get on a few good rides, have a good meal, and generally have fun. On the drive over we even had a nice little talk. I told her I was sorry for being such a douche, specifically mentioning some sarcastic remarks I've made about her time with TheChisel. I may feel these things, but I don't think I should use them to hurt her. At least that's the decision I came to a few days earlier. Today I considered not telling her this, but she mentioned something about feeling emotionally when she thinks of me. No one else does that to her. A simple thing like talking about Chandaka will get her emotional, but not so much when she's talking about other things with say TheChisel or TheHusband. OK, I appreciate that. I must admit, there's something nice about hearing you're that special to someone. Sure, it won't change things between us. It won't change that she broke my heart. Three times! It won't help that she treated me pretty scabbily last year while she was galavanting around with TheChisel while I hurt. Thankfully that's in the past. Today I've made the lion's share of the effort to remain friends, and I'm glad.
As an aside, the picture above is of Mickey walking down Main Street USA. I like the picture because there are usually a least a dozen people surrounding him. But here he is, just strolling along the street that is his "home." I think it encapsulates the reason why I love Disneyland. Whatever it is behind the scenes, a corporate giant that means to vacuum as much of the money out of my pockets as possible, the facade is still that of joy. Yes, it's a business, but there is something of an altruistic bend to the idea that a place can exist that you can go and lose yourself in for a few hours and leave your worries at the door. If you suspend disbelief it really can be the happiest place on Earth.
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June 10, Today Summer reading program started at my San Marino job. I mean come on people, don't you all have a life? It's amazing the lengths people will go to to "win" a little prize. I'm not as easily motivated, so I don't understand the mentality of bribing me to to read a bunch of books. If I want to read them, cool. But if my prize for reading a book is a free book, then keep your free book. And as I read once, free doesn't always mean free. In fact, it usually means not free. It usually means I have to spend a ton of time waiting for a payoff that's actually more expensive than paying straight up for whatever is given away. So yeah, the idea of the Summer reading program is good in that it encourages people to read. But it's also bad because it says that you have to be bribed in order to have you read. Bullshit! Can you tell I had a capital day? Of course, because all I get is complete and utter bullshit, and I'm tired of it. This weekend I have that written exam for that SMC job. I hope I hit it out of the park. I REALLY need to quit my jobs. I'm tired of both of them. I need a challenge. What I really need is to get away from home. If I wasn't living here I'd be happier. Tomorrow we're doing some bullshit training at GPL. I just know it's going to be totally useless. Ah, perhaps not totally useless. Perhaps I can take this moment to flirt with a couple of co-workers that I need to pursue something with. I have a co-worker that I work with on Monday nights who TheGirl says is pretty, and interested. I have watched her become friendlier towards me over the last few weeks. I think it's time to test that theory.
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Glendale public library staff, June 11th 2013 (click image to enlarge)
June 11, Today was unusual because my Glendale job closed all the libraries and had a staff development day. We started at 9am and went all the way through to 5pm talking about skills and such. There is this grand idea that the library has to change with the times. That we have to be more focused on a holistic approach to patrons and disseminating information to them. It was way better than actually working, that's for sure. Here are a few thoughts that came up today.
I'm pretty sure of myself these days. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I feel that I can handle anything that's thrown at me these days. It's not cockiness, it's confidence. I know I won't be able to handle every little situation that comes up, but at the same time I know that I won't buckle under the pressure. I've seen people die in front of me, three people by my last count. My heart has been torn out repeatedly by a woman I still love. I have had to eat off the dollar menu, and take a three hour bus ride to get to work. I can handle this.
What I can't handle is this growing expectation in my mind about AE. At the training thingie she sat in the next table to me. No more than ten feet from me. We interacted a few times, and talked throughout the training. At one point her thigh brushed up against the top of my hand. It sent shivers down my spine. THAT little touch did that. Do i wish it went shivers up her spine? Of course, what am I an idiot? My chances with her might be very slim. I like her, to the point that it's starting to get silly. To the point where I'm setting myself up for a fall. To the point that I should know better by now. Nevertheless, stupid romantic idealistic already ready for a fall me wants to ask her out. Wants to tell her that she should give me a chance. Wants to tell her to let me love her. That's a lot for someone to throw at someone. That's a lot to throw. All I know is that I'm finally feeling these feelings for someone, and it might be someone who won't reciprocate. Which means I'm back to my old ways. Which also means I have to break the pattern. Which means I have to fucking fail. Which, of course, means I have to throw dice and ask her out on a date. A legitimate man woman date where at the end of the night I expect to kiss her. This can't be good.
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Soemone placed a huge table in the middle of my classroom - d'oh!
June 12, I don't know why the shortest day of my work week is the toughest. The fate of my senior computer class was up in the air until the last minute. Thankfully I was able to teach my class today. It was awkward because there was a huge table in the middle of the room. The city manager is moving his office to my classroom while the city hall is being renovated. He doesn't move in until July, mind you, but he's already kinda moving in. I worked around the table. One of my students, and a regular patron, complimented me after class saying I was well spoken. Yes, yes I am.
The work shift was crazy, as it is every Wednesday. But my partner in crime and I did our best to handle it. We somehow survived. I then went over to TheGirl's and took her and her daughter to dinner at Chipotle. We followed that up with pie from Pie n' Burger. So much good food. TheGirl did tell me before I arrived to pick her up that her daughter's boyfriend was being a douche. He told her that he needed some time apart. And then he threw TheGirl and me as an example of a couple still remaining friends. Yeah, but that friendship came with some hard struggles, and a lot of maturity from both TheGirl and me. But mostly me. From what TheGirl is telling me their relationship seems doomed, like TheGirl's and mine was doomed. So yeah, good call fella. I asked TheGirl for Chan this weekend so I can celebrate father's day with hims. When I got home I told her that Chan missed her already. Awwwww!
Before I got home I received a text from my co-worker from San Marino, Holly, telling me that another co-worker of ours had been fired tonight. S is not the nicest person in the world, but she's a good worker. However, over the last few months I've noticed that her attitude was really in the dumps. She was late, some work wasn't done, she was rude to the patrons. All in all not good. Well, it would seem that her piss poor attitude lost her her job tonight. Holly told me that she wasn't given an official reason, but that just sounds fishy. Jobs are practically required to tell you why you're being fired. The truth will come out soon. All I know is that her attitude at work has falling off a cliff. In a sense I wasn't surprised.
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Chandaka, riding along with me
June 13, Today was my typical Thursday, with the exception of a few things. One, there were a lot more books today than on a typical Thursday. About twice as many, but it was cool. I still got everything done in time. Second, my homeless buddy sent me some very crazy emails in response to me saying I was busy this Sunday. He wanted to hang out, but my buddy from San Diego was coming up to visit and he wanted me to go with him to the chalk festival in Pasadena. Update on that, he texted me tonight that he won't be able to come up because he has a test on Tuesday that he has to study for. Third, the real story as to why my co-worker was fired came out. My co-worker Holly told me that our fired co-worker was not given cause last night as to why she was being fired. But, our fired co-worker failed to mention to Holly is that she already knew why she was being fired. She had been "talked" to several times about her piss poor attitude. Those are my words. For the last few months my co-worker has been treating patrons badly, has been coming in late, and has generally made it known through her actions that she doesn't want to be there. I told a fellow employee that if she didn't like working there that she knew where the door was. Course now they showed her the door. Forth, I drove to work with my favorite monkey in tow, Chandaka! TheGirl loaned him to me this weekend, since I asked so nicely. I told her that Chan was homesick, and that I caught him sobbing a little because he missed her. She went awww, to that. He is like our kid now. I've convinced her to treat a stuffed monkey like it was our kid. Wow, that's crazy. She goes along with it because, well, because I think she loves me. I know I haven't stopped loving her.
That was my day. There was also my super quick encounter with AE. I was in a hurry because I had so many books to drop off at my next stop, but I really wanted to talk to her. I tell you, I really just want to ask her out on a date. I want it to be known that I like her. It's likely a complete dead-end, and will only serve to set me up for failure. However, I do like her. I think that we would be good together. I think that she needs me in her life as much as I need her in my life. I think, I think, I think. But I don't do. I'm a coward. Well, I was barely able to say hi to her and then she was on the phone. I texted her later saying that I really like our talks, and it was a shame I didn't get to talk to her today. I think she knows that I like her. She might deny it in her conscious brain, but she knows it inside. It's only completely obvious to anyone that sees me look at her. I like to dilute myself into believing the way she looks at me says the same thing as when I look at her.
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June 14, I've been on LM's jock for the last few weeks. Ever since she said that her fella broke up with her. I took her to dinner two weeks ago. This week she invited me over after I sent her a few texts saying that we should cuddle. Of course I meant something more than that, and tonight she gave more up. We didn't go all the way, but we made out and I fingered her. She even bought dinner. Win, win, win! I think the next time we hang out she will definitely want to sleep with me. I worked her up good tonight. But of course in the long run I'm not looking for anything but a few good times with LM. I'm certainly not going to fall in love with her. She and I are not compatible. And lately I've been wanting to pursue another person, AE. I'm trying not to fall for AE before I have a chance to actually date her. There's a small chance I may be able to get through to her and actually date her. Course, if that fails there are other options that need exploration. For today though, I had some good times.
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SMC counseling building
June 15, Today was the big day that I got to go to SMC and take an exam for the library assistant job at their library. Years ago I went to SMC, so going back in "triumph" means a lot to me. I wasted so much of my life going to school with no goal in mind. Despite that I was able to finally buckle down and transfer to CSUN, and graduate with my degree. Getting this job would redeem that time spent there. I hope. The test was rather easy, with questions about Outlook (bullshit), dewey, library of congress call numbers, and some random stuff about checking out books. The test was only 43 questions, and I was the second to finish. By my own assessment I think that I only could have gotten the Outlook questions wrong. Not all of them, but there were a couple in there that I didn't know AT ALL. Mainly because I don't fucking use Outlook. I use it at work, but it's the web version, and the version they were asking me about on the test was the 2007 version. WTF?!? Still, if I get into the interview process I plan on blowing them away. I ready had a compliment this week about being well spoken by one of my computer class students.
After the test I went back to the car to get my camera in order to take some pictures for this journal. The picture above is of the counseling building, where I finally walked in one day and sought help from a professional who could direct me to take the right classes in order to transfer. I also walked around and saw the three makeshift memorials to those who were killed just over a week ago during a crazed shootout in which a man killed his brother and father, then burned his house down, then carjacked his way to the SMC campus, and then shot a few people there. Ultimately being shot himself in the very library I'm seeking a job. Nuts, I tells ya. As I was saying before, I want this job not only because it's a good job, and it's full-time, but because it represents a sort of redemption for that time which I quite literally wasted going to class after class without focus towards the future. I certainly am who I am because of that time, but I now want it to mean more than just a moment of character building. It want it to be my return as someone that has his eye on the prize. What that prize is, I don't know. What I do know is that getting that job will afford me more trips to Big Sur. More trips to other places where I can photograph what I see. THAT'S the best reason for this job.
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June 17, Work was whatever today. Nothing special to speak of. My job still hasn't announced anything about the person that was fired last week. Oh well, life definitely goes on. Some day I'll be gone and they won't remember me either. What does suck is that I found out that the cute co-worker that TheGirl said was flirting with me has a new job. She won't be working at the library branch on Mondays any more. Just on Saturdays. Fuck! I wanted to ask her for her contact info, but I chickened out. How is this subject STILL so impossible to broach? I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I have a big crush on this girl. I don't. She's pretty, she's nice, she's smart. What's not to like? TheGirl even said that she thinks this girl is flirting with me. But stupid me can't bring himself to muster the courage to ask her out. What gives?
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405 freeway was empty, making it a eerie sight to see
June 18, When I got on the freeway this morning it was completely empty on the Northbound lanes as I transitioned to the 101. Work was whatever today. Both jobs went fast. A thought came to my mind today that I need to get out of town and write. There's too much going on here at home. I have a movie coming in from Netflix that I want to watch this weekend. One Fast Move or I'm Gone, it's called. It's about Jack Kerouac's journey to Big Sur and the subsequent book that came out of that trip. Big Sur means so much to me these days that I feel inspired to drive up there during the Thanksgiving holiday and type that book that I know is in me. Finally, and once and for all. I'm hesitant, because something ALWAYS comes up when I make plans this far in advance. Also, I have this feeling that I'm going to be insulting someone if I pick that particular day to leave town. Dumb thoughts.
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June 20, Had dinner with TheGirl, her daughter and Chan last night. It was cute, I was drunk enough to suggest that we walk down to the liquor store to buy lotto tickets after dinner, and I took Chan with me. This marks the first time that I've taken Chan out with me in public, other than in the car. So many people were looking at me with Chan in tow. The guy at the liquor store laughed. TheGirl laughed. A couple of Christmases ago I gave her an iPod nano. She hasn't used it much lately, what with her not walking around as much, and also her phone having Pandora installed. Anyway, she walks around the park next to her job in Santa Monica and she decided to use it after all this time. She found the photos from and album called "Team Happiness" that I put on the nano. That was when we were Team Happiness. That team disbanded, but she was all sighs and awwws tonight about finding those pictures of our happier days. I wasn't as sentimental, but I played along. Today we're Team Chandaka, and I'm no longer in love with her.
I like AE, and it's getting to be something that I'm going to have to face. Just as I was going to write this chronicle I thought about her and I smiled. Then I became a little sad because of the realization that I am liking her a lot more than I should. I'm setting myself up for a fall. How much of a fall depends on how much I allow myself to like her before I actually make a move. IF I ever become brave enough to make that move and allow for the fact that I might fail. Otherwise this has been a pretty standard week. Tomorrow my co-workers want to hang out after work. I think it's a good idea. TheGirl leaves for Hearst Castle this weekend with her daughter. Last night she mentioned blowing off TheHusband this week. She hasn't mentioned TheChisel in a while. I know he's still lurking in the picture though. I don't know what I would do if I was him in this situation. She tells me that she tells him that I'm more important than he is in her life. If she is saying that to him I wonder how I would take it (if I was him). I think it's way mean, but I don't like the guy so I could not care less what he feels. However, having been in his shoes I know that hearing that must have hurt. Then again, I'm reasonable, and apparently he isn't. Whatever, I have no plans on getting back with her. She dropped a hint tonight about wondering if she should pack an inflatable bed for our Big Sur trip. Implying that I might be a masher and try something since we're sharing a bed. But really what she's saying is that she wants me to try something. Hmm. I know I shouldn't, and I didn't last time. However, I do miss being intimate with her. Well, being intimate. I've tried to get some on the side from LM, but last week I only got to finger her, I didn't fuck her. I came home after that with plans to jerk off, but I passed out from being so tired. So yeah, it would be nice to revisit that part of our former relationship.
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pita version of a Philly cheesesteak
June 21, My supervisor was all happy today. And, she put me on the desk for six out of my eight hour shift. While that kinda sucked, at the same time circ. desk time is fast time. The hours go fast when I'm on the desk, so Friday went fast.
I had plans after work today to hang out with my co-workers from San Marino. One of them decided we should meet in Old Town Pasadena at a place called Pita Jungle. I was the closets, so even after killing nearly an hour talking to my homeless buddy outside the library I was still early to our dinner. I stood outside the restaurant waiting for my co-workers while listening to music and texting and generally surfing the web. Then I look up and in the distance I see TheGirl with TheChisel walking up the street. I said to myself, "Just great." I put my head down and started at my iPhone until I knew they had passed. I thought I heard TheGirl's daughter say "No way," when she recognized it was me. I didn't care at that moment. I just wanted to disappear. Of course after TheChisel probably left TheGirl's place she sends me a text asking me if I was in Pasadena. I played dumb and said yes, why? Because her daughter thought she saw me, she said. She then said she would have said hi if she wasn't with company. I call BS, she saw me. Both of them did. I think they know that I saw them too. Whatever. The last text of the night was from me saying I never want to see her with any of her boyfriends... EVER.
Dinner was pretty good. I ordered a Philly cheesesteak pita since they didn't have my first option, falafel. Our waitress was statuesque and beautiful. I had more than one of the house margaritas. They were not super weak, but when you have three they feel good. The group then walked around part of Old Town. We then tried a bar that was PACKED. So packed we left in like a minute. We ended up at the Cheesecake Factory. I had a Manhattan there, and some dessert. It was quite yummy. When we were done my co-workers went home, but I wasn't sober enough to go home, so I walked around. I ended up getting home at 1:30am. Good times.
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Chan buckled in, and chillin' on the hotel bed
June 22, I get to work tomorrow, on the sabbath no less (ha!), so I did my weekend resting today. I was a crazy lazy bones today. I even took an unscheduled nap for about two hours, while watching a movie. I could feel myself drifting while watching the last 45 minutes of the movie. I have to rematch that portion of the movie, which was just a retelling of the book I already read. The movie, by the way, was a documentary named "One Fast Move or I'm Gone." It's a documentary about Jack Kerouac's book "Big Sur," but mostly it just went through the points of the book and had people that were kinda there talk about them. There was little insight on what the book was at that point. Then again, the book speaks for itself. Kerouac speaks for himself.
My aunt invited me to breakfast at IHOP today for some reason. I thought she would use that opportunity to talk to me about the booze she found in my closet the other day. But now I wonder if she actually saw the booze in my closet. Or did she find it and make the decision that she won't speak to me about it? Hmm? I guess I won't know until she comes up to me some day and talks to me abbot it. I rather she didn't. Look, yes, I take a drink or two about three times a week. Sometimes to the point that I'll fall asleep in my chair instead of jerking off and THEN fall asleep in my bed. But that doesn't make me an alcoholic. Or perhaps it makes me a functional alcoholic. Whatever. I go to work. I pay my bills. I don't go out with fifty women. I don't drink and drive. I'm responsible. So why beat me up about a little booze? At least that's what I'm hoping she's thinking.
I have a notion to take my ass up to Big Sur this upcoming Thanksgiving. Why? Because of Kerouac. I need to go away and start this book that I keep telling people about. The book that I've been telling people about for over a decade. The book that's inside me right now, waiting for the right moment to get out. The book I said I would write. The book that I want to write. The book that would some day be considered a master work... a classic. If I'm ever going to write this book it's going to be some time when I'm not here. When I'm not around so many distractions. When I'm in Big Sur.
TheGirl went up to Hearst Castle today, with her daughter. She sent me a couple of picture of Chan (pictured above). The first was of him being buckled into her back seat. The second was of Chan on the hotel's bed. I do love that monkey.
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June 23, I usually don't work Sundays, but with my upcoming trip to Big Sur looming I need to make as much money as I can to not only pay for the trip, but other bills that need paying as well. Mainly my American Express card. I threw a half envied at the girl before she went on her trip to Hearst by saying that we should have dinner tonight. She said we'll see. Little did I know she already had plans with TheHusband. Either that or she made plans with him at the last minute. According to her she hasn't spent my time with him lately. Sure. Anyway, that freedom afforded me accepting an invitation from LM. TheGirl didn't ditch me until just about 3pm today. Right after that I sent LM a text. We exchanged texts, and of course I said something wrong and she told me not to go over to her place. But, my smooth moves lead her to change her mind. Once at her place we sat down on her bed, and the rest was a fait accompli. That is until LM's landlady arrived. That seemed to take the steam out of our little rendezvous. We still had our clothes on, but we were just about to get down to some serious business. The landlady was a super cock-blocker tonight. Next time we're fucking no matter what.
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The Farm Club from Mendocino Farms in downtown... my lunch today
June 24, 3pm now, and in still waiting in this juror assembly room. We're all just hoping to make it to 5pm without being called. They thankfully haven't called anyone since we came back from lunch an hour and a half ago. I had lunch at Mendocino Farms sandwiches here in downtown. I heard about about a year ago but hadn't found the chance to check-out. Today I did and it was yummy. The bacon used on the sandwich I ordered (pictured above) was super yummy as well, and they had sugar cane sweetened sodas. Good stuff.
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This is how Big Sur looked like today - View courtesy of Nepenthe restaurant
June 25, Big Sur is looming in the short distance. Last week I was already telling people the due date was July 12th, and that's Big Sur day. I sometimes go online to check out a webcam from the Nepenthe restaurant. The picture above is what Big Sur looked like today. Work was hectic today. I didn't even get my break. Fuck this shit! Someone asked me about the Santa Monica job. I told them that I was told that it would take two weeks for them to get back to me. Someone pointed out that by Friday I should know. Well, I'll know eventually is all I can say. TheGirl hates her job. I don't hate my jobs, but getting this Santa Monica job is priority one. Actually, priority one should be looking for a job in Monterey or Big Sur. Perhaps if I don't get this one.
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Veggie Grill's new faux "chicken" tacos
June 26, I'm not entirely sure why my shortest day of the week feels like one of the longest. I somehow survived my afternoon shift. It seems like my powers are tested every Wednesday afternoon. My boss isn't usually on the desk, so everyone turns to me for questions and help in lieu of him. Yesterday I did three passports, taught my class, and helped with a digital recorder for city counsel. All those little things are more. I can't honestly remember what else I did. My after work activities were having dinner with TheGirl, her daughter and Chan. I tells ya, that monkey has brought so much joy to us. I've come to calling us Team Chandaka, since there is no more Team Happiness. I think that right now, this moment, if TheGirl said it's me or Chan that I would take Chan. I like that monkey. I have a good time with that monkey. Of course, at the end of the day the monkey's antics are only fun because they make TheGirl and her daughter laugh. Without that Chan is just a super cute stuffed monkey.
Today I called and cancelled my hotel booking for what was supposed to be an October trip to San Francisco. That weekend is the same weekend that my library's charity event is held. I don't want to miss that. If I'm able to get that job in Santa Monica it will be a chance to see my co-workers again. Even if I don't get that job I like spending time with that group of people. Say what you will about their work habits, I think the people I work with in San Marino are some of the best people I've known. They are so important that my trip has been postponed indefinitely. I've been putting off actually making the call, but today I felt I couldn't wait another minute. I'll reschedule in the next few weeks. No hurry. I think I want to concentrate on convincing myself that a Thanksgiving trip to Big Sur is in order. I don't have the money for it, that's for sure. But I do have the desire, despite being just over two weeks from Big Sur IV!
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June 27, It is sweltering today. I had to drive the van around today in intense heat. Inside the van the A/C was on full blast, and it kept me pretty cool. But the second I stepped outside the contrast in temperatures made the heat feel that much hotter. I made it through the shift and went home. I'm home now writing this feeling REALLY tired. The combination of the heat and the longer shift, because I had to make some extra deliveries, sapped my energy. Tomorrow my buddy and I go out for pie. This week was short, but of course that only means that it's gonna beat me up.
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Fourteen days left till Big Sur IV
June 28, Yup... TWO WEEKS and I'll be on my way to Big Sur. But first I had to deal with today. Today was horrible, mainly because the stupid A/C at work was on the fritz. I don't get how something that's supposed to work in these heat extremes conks out when it's extreme. Shouldn't these units be built to work in this kind of heat? Because that's when these things are needed, not when it's a little warm. It's such bullshit. The heat made working practically unbearable, but thankfully the day was split up into tasks that go relatively fast, which made the bulk of the day go fast. After escaping the hot house that was work I bolted home to meet up with my buddy Vagabundo to get some food and pie. I didn't want to drive far for food, so I suggested a good taco place in Van Nuys. I had some tacos and nachos. Good shit. We then went for pie at Pie n Burger. As soon as we walked in the door the waitress says, "Can I ask you for a favor?" We were like, "ahhh? What?" She explained that if we voted for the Pie n Burger food truck on some website that she would give us free pie. Well, we got on our smartphones and voted. I voted four times, using the various browsers that I have on the phone to vote repeatedly. But, while I tried to reset my IP address the browsers probably contained cookies that prevented me from voting again. Either way, the waitress was true to her word. I left her a nice tip. My buddy and I then came to my place to have a few drinks. Well, it turned out one drink, but that was enough to have us loopy for a good long while. He wasn't good enough to drive until nearly 2am. I brushed my teeth and went to bed, because stupid me signed up to work tomorrow morning. But, Friday turned out to be a good day in the end. Good food, free awesome pie (I had strawberry), booze, and good company. What else could I ask for?
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Bacon wrapped hot dog, Holly, and Cool Hand Luke - that was my day today
June 29, As I write this I'm sitting in front of TWO fans because it's just that hot. My iPhone's weather app says it's only 73 degrees out, but it sure doesn't feel that cool to me. It's still humid, so even though it's supposedly cooler it still feels super hot to me. Hence me sitting in front of two fans. Today was pretty cool, despite the heat. My friend/co-worker Holly convinced me to sell 4th of July tickets at San Marino today. It was kinda jacked because I planned on hanging out with my buddy last night. It all worked out though. I sold some tickets, made a few bucks, and then had a good talk with Holly. We actually spent more time at the restaurant eating and talking after work than actual work time at work. Ha! Holly treated me to lunch afterwards because I've been her ear through all this relationship drama that she's been engaged with for the past couple of months. Hey, she was there when my TheGirl drama happened, and she was a willing ear and never complained about me talking to much. That's what friends are for, right? Anyway, we talked, and talked, and talked some more. Good times. I had been invited by Holly's sister to hang out at Disneyland today after work, but the heat was just too much. I didn't want to be out there in this heat. I went home instead and about an hour after getting home I started to fall asleep. I decided not to sleep in my desk chair, but rather on my bed. A nap that I figured would be maybe an hour turned out to be two hours. After that I started watching Cool Hand Luke on Amazon Prime, because I read an article today that that movie and others were no longer going to be available after today. Damn good film. I commented on my Facebook about that movie, and here's my comment.
Cool Hand Luke is one of my favorite movies. There's a running theme in some of my favorite movies, the notion of not conforming to the "norm." Cool Hand Luke is definitely that kind of film. In the end we can follow without question. All that assures us is that we end up never questioning anything. How can you ever find out an answer without first asking a question?
I'm good with authority in that I know when to follow directions. But deep inside I don't trust authority as far as I can throw it. Mostly because, well, because those in authority are often in too high of a perch to see the world any more. They only see little ants running from here to there. I'm in the trenches, and that's where I'll stay.
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From Santa Monica looking North towards Malibu, with the California incline to the right
June 30, I couldn't sleep last night, so I went on the computer and did a little housekeeping. Which reminded me that I needed to rethink this photography thing. I went ahead and deleted an account off of one of those artist network sites and of course never actually sends any traffic to my website. So yeah, go fuck yourself. It's also because I got an email saying that my work could be featured in the next digital show in New York. All I had to do is upgrade my account to something or other. Well, of course that comes with a price. Which means anyone with a couple of bucks is gonna be exhibited. Bullshit! That account needs to go. Second, I entered a contest that's held in San Diego every year. I entered a bunch of contests in early in the year. Well, this particular entry cost me money, and of course nothing came of it. The "judge" didn't think my work worthy of being exhibited. All this just makes me more sure that I'm not going try pushing this photography thing with these jackass websites. I'm going it alone. No more contests. No more anything.
The morning started out with bullshit, having to deal with my always late aunt. She called me as I was taking a shower, yelling that she had missed her bus. Like that's my fault. She asked me the night before to set her alarm clock to 5am. 5am!! Here I was taking a shower at about 8:25 getting yelled at because she was running late. What the fuck did she do with the previous three hours?! I mean come on, I'm getting ready to go out and I'm being yelled at because she's late. Again, not my fault. But who else is she gonna blame? Not herself, because she doesn't do anything wrong. After showering for two seconds and dropping her off I went off with my buddy Dane to Santa Monica. We walked up and down Paradise park right by the ocean. We went on the pier, and walked down 3rd street. Then we even had a chance to eat from these two huge sandwiches he bought. I took some pictures, like the one above, and we basically chewed the fat today. The weather was much cooler by the ocean, that's for sure. When a bank of clouds hovered over us it actually became downright cold. But the warm sun came back and a quick little lie down helped recharge the batteries. After Santa Monica we went to Silverlake to put up some of my new photo stickers. I'm not sure what those photo stickers can do to raise my profile, but at least more people might see my photos. In a way, I had the intention of making the public street my art gallery.
June has flown by, and for the most part it's all a blur. However, I have to give this month a solid B for being good to me. No big drama happened. I had some really good days, and a lot of fun, and I can't think of any real terrible thing that would make me say, "Cram it June." That's good, because in my mind July was the goal since July is Big Sur IV month. I have kept my eyes on that moment since May, and poor June was kinda just there. As I look back at this month it was a jammed packed month of stuff. Onward to July!
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