I'm moving the site to a new server, which means some things might be missing.  But, with this move I plan on adding some stuff, moving other stuff around, and all-in-all continuing to write here, showcase my photographs, and generally chronicle my life on these pages. IMAGE_171 has a few new pictures added to the ThingsEyeSee section, page 5.

Just one of the floats lined up on Orange Grove

Jan 1, Last night TheGirl and I we went down to Orange Grove and checked out the floats as they line up for the big Rose parade.  We did that three years ago, two years ago, and this year.  It will likely be the last time we do this.  Perhaps next year I'll go with someone new.  Who is to say.  The floats looked really cool this year.  No repeats, like I noticed the first couple of years we did this walk up Orange Grove.  The night was super cold, and I never really was able to stay warm.  It's my own fault for dressing a little too light.  Still, it was a good time.
First day of the year marked the end of our hangout mini marathon.  Tonight we went down to Chinatown for dinner at a place called Won Kok.  My aunt goes there all the time.  Little did I suspect the place would have its downside.  I was given a menu, but there wasn't a menu in it.  Got myself an actual menu from a pile that was sitting behind me.  The hot tea was nice, especially since my stomach was empty.  It took forever, it seemed, for us to order some food.  It was more like ten minutes actually, but when you're hungry and you're in a restaurant ten minutes is a lot to wait for a waiter to take an order.  TheGirl decided to make faces at me while we waited and I photographed all this for posterity (pictured below).  The food finally came out, and it was super yummy.  I'm definitely going back for the orange chicken.  The service was nearly terrible, but the food made up for it.  I shall return, but now I know what to expect.

TheGirl making faces and the mountain of Chinese food we ate

Only the onion rings were good in this meal

Jan 2, Last year a Wednesday night tradition was to have dinner with TheGirl.  The holidays interrupted that schedule.  We shall see if next Wednesday it resumes.  But, this week I was left to my own devices.  I thought of just going straight home and having dinner there.  But my stomach had other plans.  So I figured I would treat myself since I told myself to keep repeating the motto, "You only live once." It's my way of reminding myself to do something special every day... if possible, of course.  So I took myself to dinner at Top's in Pasadena.  I heard the food was pretty good there.  I wanted to get a burger, but the pastrami sandwich beckoned me.  Too bad it did, because it was flavorless.  Pastrami is actually quite easy to fuck up.  And Top's fucked it up.  Thankfully the onion rings were tasty, and prevented me from starving.  I don't usually throw food away, but I threw half my sandwich out, because I knew I wouldn't eat it later.  Yeah, you only live once.

TheGirl apparently misses me

Jan 4, Woke up feeling a little sick, and that feeling only continued to get worse after I arrived at work.  There was a point that I was thinking of asking my supervisor to go home.  But then I told myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to feel sick.  I'm not sure if that's what helped me get through the day, but somehow I did make it through the day.  The rest of the day went on without event.  My homeless buddy couldn't hang out tonight, which was fine with me since I just wanted to go straight home and rest.  However, I remembered I had to go to get some milk for my aunt.  So I drove to Target, where I picked up a few things for me as well.  While walking around I thought about how this coming year I have to make some changes in my life.  I can't change who I am, but I can certainly chance some of the things I do.  You know, break up patterns, try something different.  Something has to change now, I can't stay where I am.
Which brings me to the above text message exchange between Thegirl and me.  The last line, about missing me already.  It always strikes me that she says that, because the simple solution to that is to simply not miss me because she's hanging out with me.  But, this weekend she's with TheChisel.  I'm not sure if the invite to sleepover on New Year's Eve was a come on or not.  I suspect that she would play it by ear, until I either made a move or she did.  Knowing her, she would have made the move first.  I would have just followed.  So I just went home that night.  I don't know for sure what would have happened, but I know her all too well.  She's grasping at things to make her feel happy.  TheChisel spoils her, she says.  She likes, "The finer things in life," she says.  I like the simple things, but sometimes those are expensive.  All I know is that she wants to hang out with TheChisel, and also hang out with me.  I have to slowly remove myself from her life.  I love her, probably always will.  Yet, that's no reason to play the doormat.  I thought her to be a good person inside, which she is inside.  Her character flaw is that she finds it easy to hurt people, to use them and then toss them aside.  That's a huge character flaw.

Jan 7, First full week back starts out with a full day of work.  Work was work, nothing bad nothing good.  TheGirl had company this weekend, and it took her until a little past 7pm to ask me if I wanted to stop over her place after work.  Not that there's any rush or anything.  Anyway, we sat around because she needed some "Eric time" after having TheChisel over since Thursday.  She told me how she can't have him stay Sunday because that's a "school night," and that she was nearly late for work this morning, and this and that.  In short, she told me she didn't have a good weekend with TheChisel.  Whatever.  I keep hearing that line from her nearly every time he comes down.  And then she tells me that she hopes he doesn't move down here.  Shouldn't she be telling HIM this shit?  Yeah not me.  Fucking crap!  I'm doing my best to just move on, and this woman can't make up her mind.  I know she actually wants to be with me.  However, some sort of distorted price combined with this feeling that I'm not going to be able to take care of her prevents her from being with me.  You know what?  Fine.  I've been alone nearly all my life.  The last two and a half years with TheGirl have been a roller coaster.  Mind you, a lot of that time was absolutely pleasurable.  I have been happier than I have been in a long time.  However, I know her all too well now.  I know that she is capable of breaking my heart 10, 20, 100 times from her until the day I die.  I don't want that.  I love her, but I can't harden my heart so much as to never feel pain from her again.  And so here we are, trying to be friends.  The effort is all mine.  She doesn't have to do anything except be.  I'm the one that has to take an emotional bullet every time she talks about this idiot TheChisel.  But don't you worry.  He'll get his.  I know this story too well, because I've been him.  He will be crushed.  And you know what?  He deserves it.

Big Sur River Inn website - our destination in April

Jan 8, Today TheGirl told me the date that she wants to go back up to Big Sur... April 19th through the 21st.  Not sure why that date, only that April TheGirl's probationary period ends and she is gainfully employed.  Of course she is still worried whether she will have a job by then, but I'm sure she will.  If not, then I'm going up there alone.  I don't give a fuck.  I'll do it like my first trip up there.  I had a blast, and I was alone.  The funny thing is I'm sure she hasn't told her new beau, TheChisel, that she is planning on going up to Big Sur with me.  I know we're no longer intimate, but I suspect that on that trip we will be.  I must remember to take some condoms with me though.  She's been swimming in a bad pool lately, what with the fact that she's sleeping with TheChisel, and slept with TheHusband a few weeks ago.  Truthfully, I have no intentions of sleeping with TheGirl on this trip.  But neither am I going to protest.  Ha!

TheGirl doing her laundry at a local laundromat

Jan 9, Today my San Marino job totally beat me up.  I only worked four hours today, but the shift was non-stop bullshit.  Non-stop patrons.  Non-stop problems.  Non-stop assholery.  I FUCKING hate this job when I have to put in a Herculean effort into it.  And that's what I had to do today.  Terrible.  At the end of my shift, however, my favorite co-worker came to work and we talked a bit.  I miss her a lot.  I mean a lot.  Then one of my former students from my senior computer class showed up.  We talked a little and then we both left.  But just as I was leaving the young lady I have a bit of a crush on walked out the door.  I know it's wrong to have a crush on a girl that's less than half my age, but she's right at the edge of being a young woman, and I'm just mesmerized by her beauty.  I know she knows I like her.  She gives me this look that acknowledges that she knows I'm a old "perv" that is attracted to her.  Instinct, and the fact that she now sees that look from every boy her age and above, tells her that when I look at her I'm attracted to what I see.  It's so wrong.
After work I hung out with TheGirl as she did her laundry.  She usually does it on Thursdays, but since she is going to have company come into town on Thursday night she had to do it tonight.  So I hung out with her as she washed her clothes.  Then we went to Subway and ate dinner.  What I know is that real life is raw and not easy.  In fact it can be downright boring.  The time she spends with TheChisel isn't real life.  It's a nice getaway from that.  This is why her relationship with him is doomed to fail, because he's not good at real life.  He gets the best of her, and vice versa.  They don't really know each other.  TheGirl has many flaws, as do I.  Those things come out when you're living your real life.  When you share a life that isn't just fun weekends.  TheChisel gives TheGirl his best face.  But his real self is ugly.  I don't even know the guy, but I know this to be true.  The long and the short of it is this.  She already knows her relationship is doomed, but since she has an escape she is going to milk it until she can't any more.

homeless people sleeping outside the library

Jan 10, Thursdays are pretty standard and easy these days.  I nursed a shoulder pain today.  Not entirely sure where the pain came from, but I suspect my sleeping position had something to do with it.  But it hurt in a different way than that this time, more towards my chest than my actual shoulder.  I championed through it.  On a side note, I know I keep hearing about how the economy is getting better, by my informal "survey" of homeless people that show up at the library shows something different.  Today I drove up with the delivery van and saw three people sleeping outside the library (pictured above).  I've never seen anyone sleeping outside the library before.  Also, I've noticed an influx of new homeless people aside from our regulars.

Jan 11, Today was a long day at work, as most Fridays are now long days at work.  We're short staffed, so I get to "pinch-hit," so to speak.  I get a lot of time on the desk, or checking in books, and basically I do anything that needs to be done.  Sucky thing is that because of that I have been getting sent to lunch at noon rather than 1pm, as usual.  So by the time I get off at 6pm I'm starving.  Usually my homeless buddy hangs out with me, or I hang out with TheGirl.  However, these days TheGirl and I don't hang out so much.  And my homeless buddy didn't come to the library today.  So I was left to my own devices tonight.  I just came home, since I don't have the money to buy myself dinner, and my shoulder was killing me.  I watched the movie "Dredd."  It was pretty dang good, and short.  These days so many movies are over 2 1/2 hours long, and man I can't sit still that long anymore.  "Dredd" also doesn't pretend to be anything but an action film.  It's not trying to save the world, just have fun.  And that it does.  Also, the female lead, Olivia Thirlby, is pretty.

Jan 13, Today was a pretty whatever day.  I was asked to go into work for a couple of hours to supervise the installation of some photos that are going to be on display for the next couple of weeks.  I arrived at noon, despite being told to show up at 12:15pm.  I hate being late to anything, so of course I was early.  And it's a good thing too, since the people putting up the pictures were already outside the library waiting for me.  I let them in and they went to work on putting up their work.  I pretty much just sat around watching them.  I was playing text-tag with TheGirl.  TheChisel was in town, and she said that we might hang out after he left.  I told her I was going to be in her neighborhood, at the library, and she mentioned that hopefully we could hang, assuming he left early.  Well, as has become customary in these Sundays that he leaves, the timing was fucked.  I don't even know why I bothered in the past to hang out with her after her stupid weekends with TheChisel.  I guess I'm just a bloody fool that still loves her, and wants to see her.  I have to say that I had a gut feeling something would queer the deal.  Sure enough, I got an text from TheGirl saying he was still in town, sick.  After staying a little past my duties at the library I went home, knowing that I wouldn't see TheGirl today because he would leave late.  Sure enough, he didn't leave until past 6pm.  I'm pretty much through with this bullshit.  The piles of bullshit have just grown too high.  I can't take very much more.  I really don't want to be around much longer if I have to deal with everyone's stupidity.

Jan 15, Today marks five years since I started working at the Glendale public library. There was no fanfare... no celebration. There was just me, working.

Jan 16, Work today was long.  First I had to attend a pointless staff meeting.  Then I had my senior computer class, followed by the computer lab.  Then lunch with my coworker Gil.  Then my shift.  The shift was balls.  It started out with nearly no patrons, but by 3pm the dam let loose and it was a torrent of patrons coming at me.  Nothing could be easy.  But then it was quiet for a moment when the girl I have a crush on came up and checked out a book.  I just anted to stare at her and soak up as much of her beauty as I could.  But I turned away instead.  But then I caught her looking at my name tag and smiling.  She knows I like her.  Somehow she knows that I'm mesmerized by her.  Somehow she knows all that and more just by looking at me.  That's how transparent I am.  If only it were possible for me to tell her that I find her beauty to be awe inspiring.
It's interesting because the reality is that I can't pursue anything with this patron that I have a crush on at that library.  I can look at her and she can look back at me, but ultimately that's all that's going to happen.  I'm attracted to her youth beyond her form.  My hair gets grayer by the day to the point that I notice people staring at the top of my head instead of looking at my face.  And here comes this ephemeral beauty in the form of this young lady and I think back at the point just a year ago when I had a love that would have not made me look twice at this wonder who occasionally checks out a book from me and it makes me want to forget how it all went South, and how the woman I call the love of my life could walk right into another relationship while she and I were still together.  This year has started in a most dramatic fashion.  Change is looming on the horizon, and it's going to come.  As the saying goes these days, "Winter is coming."  A reckoning is coming, should be my saying.  Because it is coming, and soon.
My pretty co-worker, the one that I want to sleep with, is pretty much on to my game.  I wanted to play the "long con" on her, but she's too smart, and the long con is too short for her to forget what I said to her last year.  In short, short of her suddenly having a moment when she can't bear to live another moment without me in her life I'm not going to sleep with her.  She was short with me the other day, and it made me resent her again.  I'm not so bad.  I'm not going to treat her bad.  Nevertheless, in her mind I'm not for her.  Every time I think I'm making good progress she snaps me back to reality.  Well, after the other day when she was short with me I have decided I'm not going to continue the long con with her.  I'm just giving up.  She isn't worth this much aggravation.  No woman is worth lowering myself.  I like her, but truth is she's damaged goods.  Perhaps like every woman is though.  Check that, drop the perhaps... like every woman is.

Jan 20, My pretty co-worker, the one I've hoped would somehow have some sort of conversion and actually want to be with a slob like me called me today to say that she needed help with a grant proposal.  This past week I told myself that I would distance myself from her.  She clearly isn't interested in me, and that's perfectly fine.  I can't spend so much effort into a proposition that will leave me unfulfilled.  She will never consider me for a relationship, even though deep down inside she might think that I would care for her, and love her deeply.  Cultural differences still hold her back, assuming that she did consider me as a potential boyfriend.  Yet, I don't think she ever considers me that.  However, despite the fact that I want to get into her pants I have tried to be pure and just be her friend.  Because I do like her as a person, and her friendship is important to me.  So at work I told myself that I would detach myself a little more.  I wouldn't make an effort to talk to her any more than I have to.  And then she calls me today to help her with her grant.  And then we end up spending the entire day together.  And then we have dinner together.  And then at the end of the night I don't try to kiss her, but simply give her her distance and say good night.  I like her a lot.  Potentially I could like her as much or more than TheGirl.  She certainly is pretty, but a big part of me doesn't want to pursue anything with her because she seems to trust me a little more now.  And that sort of trust is something that I've cultivated.  Because of that I don't want to destroy the potential friendship we have.  It may sound strange since I am incredibly attracted to her, but part of that is respecting her to the point that I can't be a jerk to her and just try to get into her pants.  Crazy thing is that TheGirl was sleeping with her former fiance.  TheGirl has been around the block, shall we say.  I'm not the only guy that she's fucked from work.  I wanted to tell her, but it would serve no purpose.

Jan 21, Today is MLK day, which is a holiday that some people don't have off.  The San Marino library doesn't open, but every MLK day that I've worked there we have had to come into work for some sort of mandatory training.  Usually CPR training, which is what we did today.  Our instructor is this girl from the Rec. department with an awesome body.  However, she has jacked herself up by being out in the sun.  I just stared at her ass all day, which is damn nice.  Anyway, the training went faster than expected and we were all out by 1pm.  I was talking to the co-worker that I slept with a few years back, before I met TheGirl, and talked to her, and talked to her, until she finally broke down and said we should get a margarita at Chipotle.  The last time we got a drink together was after my second break-up with TheGirl.  I was weak, and lonely.  We made out.  The time before she tried to blow me.  That was nearly four years ago.  Well, today we hung out and I played coy with her.  I made it perfectly clear that if she wants to fuck I'm down for that.  Meanwhile, TheGirl was finally able to text me because she was on her way back home from visiting a friend up in Lake Havasu, with her daughter and TheHusband.  She mentioned how her husband is an ass, and wanted to try and get a threesome going with the friend they were visiting.  TheGirl is sickened by TheHusband's talk of threesomes and how many girls he's fucking.  I told her that kind of bragging comes from insecurity.  She agrees.  But, this is who she chose to hang out with this weekend.  TheGirl makes a lot of mistakes like this.  I can see why she likes me, and trusts, as stated in her text to me.  The thing is, I don't trust her anymore.  I can't.  She has fucked me up so much.  I do love her though, and that says more about me than it says about her.

Jan 25, Technically it's already the 26th when I'm writing this, but I'm still awake from the 25th, so it's this entry still counts as the 25th.  I've had some booze, every last drop I had in the bottle I bought a week ago.  So much has happened this week that I don't know where to start.  First of all, when real life is happening I tend to forgot to write here because I'm of the moment.  But tonight I had to do some reflecting.  TheGirl this week affirmed that she wants me in her life.  Even though I should just leave her life and let her suffer for a few minutes while she misses me and the moves on to her next man.  Because, in a moment of clarity, I realize that everything she says just might be a lie.  But then I ask myself why would she lie?  There is no motivation other than she is actually feeling what she says, or she cares for me enough to lie to me to make me feel better.  Either way my theory is correct.. she does care for me.  Despite the fact that another man is laying beside her right now.  Because even when she is with him she still thinks of me.  That is little consolation, actually.  Mainly because I'm 95% over her.  The last bit remembers the good times with her.  But she is not worthy of that anymore.  Writing while drunk is freeing.  TheGirl has been quite a bitch this week.  And I really shouldn't give her the time of day.  She honestly doesn't deserve me in her life.  She deserves misery, which is what she has.  She is simple, and yet I love her with all my heart.  Because she showed me something I had never experienced, despite not really intending to.  Today, Friday, was a real complicated day for me.  I loved TheGirl with all my heart, but I know there isn't a future with her because she isn't the kinda to be faithful.  And then there's my co-worker, which is beautiful physically that I can't bare to take my eyes off her.  But she doesn't like me that way.  I'm rambling because I've had so much to drink.  The show House proves that no matter how smart you are you can't know everything.  Because how you think isn't the way someone else thinks.  Logic goes out the window if the other person doesn't have a foundation of thinking logically.  Anyway, this week saw TheGirl telling me she wants me in her life, and me not believing her, but still doing what it takes to keep her in my life.  It also saw me trying to cultivate a friendship with a coworker.  One that is so much more prettier than TheGirl, and that the girl knows, and wishes to be.  If TheGirl knew that I liked her she would hit the ceiling, and I would hurt her.  That is why I don't tell her that I like this person.  And yet the potential is there that I would love this person one hundred times more than TheGirl.  TheGirl is insecure, and the greatest pain I've known her to feel is when someone she cares about boots her out of their lives.  That is practically devastating to her.  She claims to want me in her life.  If I walked away without so much as a peep she would suffer that until the day she died.  Perhaps that's a way I can hurt her.  Perhaps that is the way I can have my ultimate revenge.  Perhaps, but I don't want to be like that.

The workers at the Crowell public library.

Jan 26, Today marks five years at the San Marino library.  I didn't think I would be there so many years.  A year ago I thought I'd be out by now.  Never mind that a job is nearly impossible to find.  Never mind I haven't been looking very hard.  The library threw a party for the anniversary.  Nothing as big as the first year, though.  I was the photographer for the event.  My co-worker was asked to also photograph, but she told the boss that she wanted creative control over her photos and more money.  They passed.  I took a bunch of photos.  There were authors, food, and a ton of people.  Before the festivities the boss asked me to have a group photo of the employees taken.  The picture above is that picture.  Whatever I say about that job I have been lucky to find a really great group of people.  There are a few dramas here and there, but nothing like the sorted stuff at Glendale.  Despite the fact that things are good at Glendale, I still have a tiny preference for San Marino.  They gave me a chance first.  They hired me first.  I'll never forget that.
The woman with the smoking body that I kept bumping into at the previous charity event at the library showed up for this event, wearing more "civilian" clothes.  Her nice butt still looked nice in her jeans.  And this time I actually had a chance to have a conversation with her.  Not one on one, but with a fellow co-worker that knows her, in the mix.  I caught her looking at my name tag.  I'm no looker these days, I know that.  I've gained weight, I'm bloated looking, and my gray hairs only continue to get grayer.  So I'm not going to sit here and say that this woman is attracted to me.  I'm pretty sure that she just senses that I'm attracted to her.  Her husband was one of the authors on display, and I'm pretty sure he senses that I'm attracted to his wife.  They must have a fine chuckle out of the guy at the library who has a hard-on for this woman.

Jan 28, I haven't seen TheGirl for a while.  I honestly can't even think of when the last time I saw her.  I think it was that dinner we had.  Whatever.  She said she wanted to hang out on Sunday evening after TheChisel went home.  But... of course he didn't go home.  He stayed until today.  Not that I was so sad that I didn't see TheGirl yesterday.  I was in the area since I worked at the library.  And I did mention to her that I would be in the neighborhood, and then she said she would like to see me after work.  Suffice to say I wasn't holding my breath, since she has let TheChisel literally chisel into her life.  Tonight after work at Montrose she came by my job and I drove her down to her place.  She then told me about her horrible relationship, and inside part of me was gloating.  Part of me wanted to say, "And this is what you left me for... huh?"  But whatever.  Living well, and happy, is the best revenge I can seek.  I'm happy, she's not.  TheChisel isn't working, so this weekend TheGirl had to pay for their meals.  Again, I wanted to throw that fact in her face, since she told me that TheChisel "spoiled" her (spent money on her). And now who is spending the money?  Ha!  She left me for all these reasons, and now TheChisel is worse than me.  At least I have a job.  At least I don't lie to her.  At least I didn't broadcast our relationship to the world.  In short, everything that she left me for TheChisel is and in spades.

Jan 30, TheGirl invited me to have our traditional Wednesday night dinner.  It probably won't become a regular thing again, but I was looking forward to tonight's meal.  We ate, had a few laughs, then she said she needed to get gasoline for her car.  We then went to get gas.  Then we parked the car and she and I spoke about things.. her job, TheChisel, her expenses, not expecting things to go this way.  I just listened as best I could.  Then we went back inside her place.  When she received a text from TheChisel I knew that was my signal to get going.  So I told her my curfew had arrived and I would be going home.  I'm not sure how long I can do this "friend" thing.  I'm not getting anything out of it at this point.  Before I would get company, a nice dinner, and a nice talk.  I still get those things, but added to it is the specter of a relationship that I didn't want to end, and that she did to be with this new guy.  I shouldn't be in her life right now.. maybe ever.  The affair has run its course.  I loved her very much, but now those feelings aren't there any more.  I've mourned them, and buried them.  They are in the past, where they are meant to be.

I've been doing these 52 week projects for the last three years.  This is year four.  The idea is simple: I post a picture once a week, every week, for a year.  Enjoy.