I can honestly say that each year flies by faster than the previous year.  Perhaps we just have so many things to do that time is compressed.  I know I did A LOT of awesome things this year.  And there's one more month to go.  On with the events of November.

Nov 1, Work was work today.  The main good thing is that the day went fast, mainly because I had my lunch at 2pm rather than 1pm.  That made the second half of the shift only three hours.  Three hours that went in a flash, because one of those hours I was on the desk, and another hour I was setting up the auditorium.
After work I hung out with my buddy Dane.  We went to a local burger joint, where I bought us a pair of burger.  I dropped him off and went home.  The main thing on my mind today, the thing I texted Holly about all day, was the lack of text responses from TheDesire today.  Above you can see the texts that she sent in the morning.  Not much of a response.  Holly sent me the cartoon in the photo above that plainly shows the frustration of not getting a response back.  We both agree, it's just them ignoring us.  Because of that I told Holly that I would lay low, and not get desperate and text her today.  And I didn't.  After I said sounds nice, I didn't text her at all for the rest of the day.  I may not even text her tomorrow.  I like TheDesire, but while I'm pursuing her I'm not going to play the fool for her and keep texting her without a response back.

Nov 2, TheGirl flaked on me for our trip to Disneyland tomorrow.  But I don't let moss grow on me.  In the past, shortly after the break-up, I would just stay home if TheGirl flaked on me.  These days, I don't lose stride.  I make alternative plans.  Today I went to Disneyland with one of my co-workers from San Marino.. T.  AKA, Holly's sister, aka one of the librarians from San Marino.  I wanted to stay nearly the whole day, but I had promised my buddy that we were going to hang out on Saturday afternoon, so I asked T if she wanted to go in the morning.  She was down with that, since she had plans as well.  I had to lie to her and tell her that I had family plans.  Hate that shit.  We met up at Disneyland around 9am.  It was great, there were hardly any people roaming around, and that gave us a chance to go on more rides.  First stop was the Mark Twain, where I suggested we go up to the wheelhouse.  Since it was the first trip of the day for the boat we got into the wheelhouse no sweat.  We continued our trip around Disneyland by going on: Pirates, Matterhorn, and the Haunted Mansion.  I was getting hungry, so I had some soup from the Jolly Holiday bakery.  T had some veggie gumbo.  My curfew had arrived, and T was feeling tired, so we left together.
I then bolted home to meet up with my buddy, who said he would be at my house by 2:45.  I stayed a little longer than I should, couple that with traffic on the 5 and my quick trip home turned into a struggle.  I didn't get home until 3pm, and my buddy was waiting for me.  We talked a bit, then went to a place I wanted to try in Atwater Village, that serves Mexican BBQ.  I found out about the food on TV a few months ago.  They were showing some food truck that had Mexican BBQ in the style of Korean BBQ.  I've been wanting to try it, but following around a food truck isn't easy.  For some reason the truck idea is gone, and they merged with a tavern to serve their food.  I told this to my buddy and he was cool with trying something new.  The joint was nice, but there seemed to be a hipster vibe there that wasn't cool.  Also, it took our waitress so long to get our order.  Course it wasn't her fault, because she seemed to be the only employee working.  There was a group of four others that were just milling around, doing nothing.  Sucks.  The tacos I had were pork, and they were pretty good.  Not the best I've had.  Certainly not worth the price I paid.  They were good, but just that THAT good.  We then went on a little drive, arriving back home to just talk and watch some videos on YouTube.  Good time.

Nov 3, My co-worker Lillian asked me to work for her today.  I need the extra money, and TheGirl flaked on me.  Hence the freetime to do this.  I checked on TheChisel's FB, and sadly I was wrong about him being out of the picture.  He's still in the picture.  Though, I suspect that he's farther in the background.  However, TheGirl insists on keeping him around.  Definitely likes him spending his money on her.  In the end he will be left without a dime from her, and a broken heart.  I know I was.  The shift went slow, but it was OK.  Towards the end I was getting hungry, and another one of my coworkers mentioned food.  I told her we should go out and get some food after work, and that way we could talk.  She suggested we ask Holly to come along.  We also asked another coworker that was working this Sunday.  We all made our way to a place that served Mediterranean food, as well as pizza.  It's a strange combination, to be sure, but the food was good.  I've had better Mediterranean food.
After dinner Holly was talking to me about this guy that has been texting her.  He invited her out to some bar in Santa Monica.  She asked me to go with her, because she didn't know this guy well.  I told her I had an early curfew because I had work tomorrow.  Well, you might call those famous last words.  It was impractical for both of us to drive out to Santa Monica, so we had to find a place to park my car.  My buddy Jon's house was less than a mile away, so I suggested that.  We dropped off my car there and bolted to Santa Monica.  The bar was a pretty cool place, and empty.  Only the REAL drunks drink so late on a Sunday night.  We waited a little for her friend.  What followed was over four hours of hanging out at a bar.  I had four drinks: a Manhattan, a Jack and Coke (which was actually Pepsi - yuck), a martini, and finally something called a Long Beach.  That last one floored me.  It was rather late by the time Holly and I left the bar.  We stopped off for some McDonald's and then she drove me back to my car.  I was not sober enough to drive home, even though it was 2:30am.  I saw the light on in my buddy's house, so I texted him asking if he was still awake.  Now that I think about it, it was jacked to do that.  But, he was awake.  He came outside and let me into the house.  His girlfriend was also there.  I felt like I was intruding.  We spoke a little. Around 3am I figured I best be getting home.  I didn't get home until 3:30am.  I knew I would fall asleep fast.  Nevertheless, I was worried that I would be a zombie when my alarm rang at 6am.  Strangely enough I beat my alarm to the punch.  More about that, in the following paragraph.

Nov 4, After only getting about two and a half hours of sleep I was surprisingly awake the entire day.  But, I have discovered that it's usually the day after is when all the sleepiness hits.  Since I wasn't hungry I went to work early.  I figured that if I arrived an hour early I could sleep outside in my car until it was almost time to start work.  It was a sound idea.  When I woke up I felt much better.  I worked my shift without feeling tired or anything.  The guy that came on to me a few months back told me while we were both standing in the bathroom (so gay) that the boss had talked to him.  Yikes!  That aside he later asked me what kind of sandwich I wanted from the Eastside Deli nearly Chinatown.  I told him pastrami.  I think it was meant as a peace offering.  It was nice, and it was the only thing I ate until I arrived home after my second job.
Speaking of, at my second job my coworker and I were left to our own devices tonight.  We were handed the keys, literally and figuratively.  After 6pm both supervisors left us.  The rest of the night was pretty chill.  We got everything done, checked in all the books, locked up the place real tight, and made sure everything was in order.  Woo!  I went over to TheGirl's after work, as is tradition.  She told me that she had a "talk" with TheChisel.  Which made me balk, because I was nearly 100% sure that TheChisel was out of the picture.  He's still in, but I'm certainly making plans to get my ass out of this situation.  I freely admit that one reason I'm pursuing TheDesire is to finally be able to walk away.  I would like to remain friends with TheGirl, if at all possible.  If not, it will hurt to be certain.  I've given TheGirl my love and my all for longer than we were in an actual relationship.  Our friendship is important to me, but so is establishing a long term relationship with someone new.  TheDesire is that someone else right now.  That might change depending on how she reacts to my advances.

Nov 5, TheDesire isn't very good at responding to my text messages, so I have gone to emailing her instead.  Today she wrote back.  In my email I asked her for her schedule for Nov. 16th, the day we're going to see that movie about Calvin and Hobbes.  She told me she would get back to me, because she doesn't know her schedule that far in advance.  The rest of my day fell right into place after that email.  The shift was steady.  Before my shift was over my boss took me aside and told me that she's working on promoting me.  Now I've heard this before from the previous boss.  I know they value me.  I know they think I'm an asset.  Part of the problem is that they don't have the budget to move me up.  Perhaps they need to see me work harder.  But I have given that place my heart and mind for five years.  I've been good.  I've been patient.  I have always given them first priority.  I think it's time they give me this promotion.  It's my time.  Dream scenario would be for them to get me off the circulation desk more.

Nov 6, After being as poor as a church mouse I finally was paid today.  Friday I'll get my San Marion paycheck, but my Glendale one saved me from starving.  I was able to buy some groceries, some Coke, and some other things I've needed.  I also treated myself to a $6 burger from Carl's.  I had a craving for a Big Mac, but as I drove by the Carl's on my way to McDonald's the sign in the Carl's window beckoned me with yumminess.  I bought myself a super bacon burger and went to town.  They have new buns, which are more like the buns used by gourmet burger joints.  Overall a good addition.
Work was work.  The other night at Glendale every patron seemed to frustrate me.  Today was a bit of a continuation of that.  I settled down about half way through my shift.  I then went off to have traditional Wednesday night dinner with TheGirl.  She was tired, she said.  The entire night she was mopey, and in a bad mood.  She apologized for being in said bad mood.  The sad mood is OK.  I took Chan home with me again tonight.  She asked if I wanted to adopt him.  I told her no.  But it is funny how that stuffed monkey is going to be a symbol for our crumbling friendship after relationship.  I'm important enough in her life that she has wanted to keep me around.  I have been slow to move on and find someone since the break-up with TheGirl over a year ago.  Since she was still my fuck buddy, that made things easier to handle.  Since we've been good friends since, it's also been hard to move on.  Now that I have this want to pursue TheDesire my want to sustain this "every Wednesday after work" dinner is waining.  I know that I will always love TheGirl.  She opened up a great new world to me, as I did for her.  Something like that couldn't last forever.  It wasn't even supposed to last as long as it did.  We've been able to sustain a friendship for as long as we have because I haven't made a pass at her.  She has, and we have been intimate since then.  Failed intimacy, mind you.  Neither time we were intimate did I achieve completion, so to speak.  THAT is telling.  Ironically, I've moved on in the last few months more than she has.  Holly agrees with me that if I started dating TheDesire, or any girl, that TheGirl would feel pain and loss.  I don't want her to feel pain, but I do need to live my life for me.  That seems to be this week's theme.
I bought "Rebel without a Cause" on Blu-ray tonight.  "Rebel without a Cause" on Blu-ray?  Yes, please.  Rebel is the quintessential James Dean movie.  Fucking 58 years after its release Rebel remains that iconic angst movie.  Perhaps because it got it right.  Perhaps because by the time it was released Dean was dead.  Perhaps because... perhaps because it is just a GREAT movie.  Dean is marvelous as Jim Stark... the rebel that doesn't ask, "What do ya got," when asked what are you rebelling against.  He isn't actively rebelling against anything, unlike Brando in "The Wild One."  However, Dean brings a humanity to the iconoclast figure like no other.  Dean was an artist.  A true artist.  One that honed his skills, and worked his craft.  All of that shows in every frame of Rebel.  He captured not only a moment, but a universal feeling.  One that nearly 60 years later still resonates to the core of many of us that see the seams of this world.

Nov 7, Today was the first week working this new "amended" route.  In the past I would on the route, visiting all the libraries in the system, and then return to home base, the central library.  Following lunch I would then go to city hall and deliver the mail, as well as drop off the money from the branches.  Because of an audit in the treasury department the other drivers and me have to go to the treasury in the morning.  Because of that the rest of the route has been affected.  And that is how I don't have a lunch hour anymore, and on top of that I now leave at 3pm instead of 4pm.  I'm surer there will be times I'll leave later, but I do like ending my day at 3pm.  I have time to get some things done at home, and run errands.  Like today I was able to get a much needed haircut.  Still, not having a lunch period sucks.  However, because we're out on the route all by our lonesome one of the other drivers and me have talk about making our own lunch period.  It's only fair.  We still have to eat.  We are still allowed a break period.  I also wonder if it's legal for them to not give us a lunch period of at least half an hour if we work more than five hours.  OK, I went ahead and checked online.  It turns out that if I work 6 hours or less, and that period of time completes my work day, I am not entitled to a lunch period.  But the fuck with that.  I still need to sustain my energy level.  I'm usually starving at 11am, let alone 3pm.  Hence, on the route today I took my lunch, sat in the lounge of one of the libraries, and had my meal.  Even with that time I was STILL way ahead of schedule.  With all my time stretching I was able to finish up the route semi early, around 2:45.  The boss let me out early even.
I nearly always get to see TheDesire while I'm on my route.  She alternately works at my second to last and last stops of my route.  Lately it's been on the second to last stop.  Today, last.  When I went into the branch she was talking to a patron.  She acknowledged me and that was that.  Nothing more.  It made me sad, because when I see her I start to feel those butterflies in my stomach.  They aren't fluttering around a lot yet, but I can say that I feel nice when I see her.  Like I'm floating a little.  If ever this works out I know I will feel great emotions towards her.  Big "if" though.  As I was texting Holly today, I want TheDesire to text me more often.  I want to know that I'm on her mind in some way.  I could text her all day, and email her like I used to email TheGirl, all day.  But TheDesire isn't like that.  She isn't quick to respond to my emails or texts.  I write her an email now in order to have her have to respond to it.  All this feels like an uphill battle for affection.

Nov 8, As soon as I walked in circulation this morning my supervisor says, "Oh sorry Mr. Eric, your lunch is at two."  While it sucks to eat late, having lunch at 2pm instead of 1pm has at least one advantage.  Mainly that the second half of my shift is only three hours long, and that usually means it goes FAST.  Today the first half of my shift consisted of setting up the auditorium for a morning event, and monitoring that event.  It was four hours of just sitting down and chilling in the control booth.  While walking up to the main office I noticed that TheDesire was working at central.  Because of the holiday Monday the library is going to be closed this weekend and Monday.  The full-timers have to make up that day.  Many of them work Saturdays, but will work on a Friday to cover that Saturday off.  Hence TheDesire working at Central today.  But, it would have been nice to know that from her.  This is more proof that I'm not on her radar.  If I was she would have sent me a text saying something like, hey, going to work at central today.  Maybe I'll see you.  I saw her in the morning, but she didn't text me that she was working at central until 3pm.  During the second to last hour I was working the upstairs desk.  She came up looking for someone in the back office.  I told her this person had left already, like five minutes before.  TheDesire still went to the back office to leave some things on this lady's table.  She came out, talked for a few moments, then walked back to the children's area.  I couldn't help but stare at her figure.  She is quite pretty.  That walk reminds me of the walks TheGirl used to take in front of me in the mornings.  I hope they have a similar context, and that one day in the future I'll be talking about the night before we were together that I saw TheDesire walk up to me.  And how I thought she wasn't interested, but in the back of her mind she was, but didn't know how to say it.  Basically like TheGirl and me.  How she liked me, but she didn't know if I liked her.  I certainly like TheDesire.
After work some worlds converged.  Gina O, a girl I became friends with a few years back, texted me to ask what I was doing tonight.  I didn't really have plans to do anything.  I was going to talk to my homeless buddy Dane and then head home since I had work the next day.  She found me outside.  Standing there was also a patron that I talk to once in a while named Russ.  Good guy.  Then on top of that TheDesire comes walking down the steps and comes out the door.  Four different worlds, right there.  Russ, of course, finds TheDesire to be beautiful.  So, he talks to her.  Asks her if she wants to have a drink with him and me.  She declines, saying she has to go see a play with her friend.  He insists.  She once again politely declines.  I then tell him that she is the object of my desire.  He commends me on my good taste, and wishes me luck.  Following that Gina O asks what I want to do tonight.  I tell her I don't know, but I do have to talk to Dane first.  When I go over to where he is he talks to me like a pouting child.  I ask him how he is, and he says fine.  Usually he makes a joke about still being above ground.  Not this time.  I could tell he was annoyed.  I talked to him for about a minute.  His attitude made me want to not hang with him.  I'm not his "girlfriend."

Nov 9, The patrons at work are clearly getting to me.  After today I think that I will never work on a weekend again.  The weekend patrons are the worse.  I don't want to cover any more weekend shifts.  I left the weekends because my sanity was in play.  Now I know it's in true jeopardy if I work on weekends.
Just before the end of work tonight Holly asks me if I want to go shopping with her... drunk shopping.  I was like, huh?  She told me she wanted to go to the Burbank mall to check out a store.  While there we could drink a little drink in the parking lot, then drunk shop.  I think anything that involves drinking is awesome!  We drove out to the Burbank mall, which is a meh mall.  The store she was checking out didn't have what she was looking for.  But by that time we had already gone to 7/11 and bought a pair of Slurpees and Four Lokos.  I've heard of Four Lokos, but had never had one.  Well, now I have.  The don't pack a huge punch, but when you inhale them like Holly and I did, they will make you feel good.  We walked around the mall and then headed out to get some food.  The food was yummy.  A good night was had.  I think next time I'll have a shot of something to supplement the Four Loko.  Good times, indeed.

Nov 10, Today was a great day, because it was a lazy Sunday at home.  The football games that were on weren't good.  The 49ers played bad and lost.  The night game was a blowout, and I wasn't interested in the teams.  I think the Patriots had a bye.  Good thing is that I didn't do anything, or go anywhere.  Well, I did go and pick my aunt up from work.  Aside from that, pure laziness.  I mean, pure awesomeness.

Nov 11, While TheGirl is flaking on me and moving Disneyland dates to and fro, I've been having fun and going to Disneyland without her.  And why shouldn't I?  We're friends, but Iv'e used that pseudo relationship status as some sort of crutch, and it has prevented me from fully moving on.  THANKFULLY, I've been able to not lose stride when it comes to TheGirl blowing our plans.  As an aside, before I go much further, I wanted to say that this distancing of TheGirl and me is a good thing.  I really do see it as an inevitable thing.  She was not only in a new relationship, she has now moved back to spending a LOT of time with her husband.  She protests that she could NEVER go back to him.  However, she still spends a lot of time with him.  She went to Vegas with him this weekend.  The previous weekend she went out of town with TheChisel.  I've made myself less available to her, but I need to do more and become even less available.  Which brings me to Disneyland today with T.  This is the second time in less than two weeks that we have gone to Disneyland together.  I'm getting more comfortable with her.  I know she's Holly's sister and all, but I haven't really spent that much one-on-one time with her.  But, I'm easy going, and she's the same.  I woke up super early, and that got me out the door super early.  I arrived nearly an hour before T did.  I took the time to chill, check out the people coming in, and soak in the Christmas visions.  Following T's arrival we headed to the Haunted Mansion.  We took a pair of pictures with Jack Skellington and Sally (as seen in the montage above).  Our priority was to experience the attractions that had holiday overlays.  Our next stop was the Jingle Cruise, renamed for the holidays.  I expected to have the whole attraction filled with lights and stuff.  But really the only things that were different were lights around various parts of the attraction queue and some new holiday related jokes.  Hmmm, that was a bit of a disappointment.  We hit up Small World, Alice, the Carrousel, Astro Blasters, and Star Tours.  T ate what she always eats, veggie gumbo.  I had a yummy corn dog.  We also caught a show at the Golden Horseshoe.  It was a really good day.  The park was not super packed, but it did fill up by the time we left.  The secret is definitely to show up early.  Both T and I wanted to check out the park at night.  Disneyland REALLY sparkles when it's nighttime, but especially when it's nighttime during the holidays.  Mainly because there are like ten times the lights.  I really do love Disneyland during the holidays.  Last thing about Disneyland with T.  We went shopping on Main Street door and at one point T bought some nail polish.  She and I were joking, and the lady behind the counter said to us, "You're really cute."  Of course assuming we're a couple.  T is a nice girl, and she loves Disneyland.  She's cute, and smart.  What else does a guy want?  right?  It was not the only time today that we were "coupled up."  T waved at one of the musicians and then thought that it was a bad idea because that guy was going to possibly tell her ex-boyfriend, who still works at Disneyland, that he saw her with a guy.  Then, random finds of all random finds, a co-worker of mine from Glendale saw T and me while we were eating lunch.  This co-worker knows, and knew, about me being with TheGirl.  She disapproved of that back then, and now she sees me with another girl.  It's going to be talked about at Glendale job FOR SURE.

Nov 12, Work today consisted of catching up with the holiday's worth of books that needed to be checked in.  The amount in San Marino was small compared to Glendale.
TheGirl texted me only twice throughout the day, and emailed me once.  She texted me more during the evening, but it was just a short exchange of perhaps eight texts.  What used to be multitude of texts is slowly melting away into a small trickle, as it should.  Last time I saw our friendship go down this path I fought it.  This time I'm just letting nature take its course, whatever that course may be.  I suspect that things will continue this way for a while.  What I think will happen is that if TheDesire reciprocates then I'll have to tell TheGirl that I'm dating someone.  I'm sure she won't appreciate my choice.  It's just too... incestuous.  In the sense that I'm pursuing TheDesire, who is a coworker.

Nov 13, I started work today at 10am.  Today was a long day, mainly because I worked nearly a double shift.  Once again my boss mentioned the possible promotion.  I HOPE this isn't some dead-end, like it's always been in the past.  TheGirl had jury duty today, but she didn't text me much.  Her phone was supposedly dying.  She needs to get an iPhone.  I didn't think that we would have our traditional Wednesday dinner, because she didn't text me specifically that we were, or not.  Hence it was up in the air.  I hate that.  Finally she told me that yes, we were going to have our dinner.  It was nice, a little quiet.  When she asked me what was new I couldn't tell her about going to Disneyland with T twice in less than two weeks.  The two weeks she flaked on me.  It's none of her business.  We are still going to Disneyland on Sunday, but we won't be leaving her place until 10am, which means not getting to Disneyland until 11am at the earliest.  I have to say, getting there early is something I like about going with T.  The crowds are less, and we can see more.  Oh well.
TheDesire texted me a few times today.  My coworker Holly told me that I should lay back a little more, not play so desperate.  I didn't think I was desperate.  But, it made me think.  My idea was to keep myself in her radar.  But, perhaps I should lay back a little more.  Much more and I won't be in the picture at all.  Still, TheDesire seems gun-ho about the movie on Saturday.  I wish I had the courage to tell her how I feel.  Holly told me that T said I wasn't her type.  Man, I'm no one's type.

Nov 15, This past week I was told that if the San Marino library is approved to open on Fridays that I would possibly be up for a job as library assistant, and that I would be asked to work on Fridays in San Marino.  It's still up in the air how much I would be paid, and if I would actually get this job.  There would still be an interview process that I would have to go through.  The major block to this is my working at Glendale on Fridays.  I make a nice chunk of change on Fridays.  It's my longest day, and I get paid well.  What else could I ask for?  A chance to get away from patrons on the circulation desk.  My job is perfectly boring now.  I need something, a challenge.  A challenge with each person that comes up.  This library assistant job is that challenge.  I know I would BLOW everyone away.  I've done it in the past when people give me a chance.  I come out swinging, come out prepared as fuck.  I do want this, but I'm wondering if it's the right move.
There are challenges to working on Fridays at Glendale as well.  Like today, it was a typical Friday.  I was the Jack of all trades.  I described my work to someone as being the utility man on a baseball team.  But enough about that.  Today's big news is that I submitted my work for consideration for viewing at the Brand Library.  If my work passes muster it will be displayed at the gallery.  I know I keep saying it year after year, and I try a little and then give up.  However, I'm going to say it again.  I HAVE to get my work out there.  I have to find a way to have eyeballs view my work.  Enough of this waiting around shit.  I hope this is a step in that direction.

Nov 16, I learned late last night that the San Marino city counsel did approve that the library will open on Fridays.  No word what this means as far as me, aside from what I already know. Tonight was supposed to be a big night for me.  I invited TheDesire to go see the movie "Dear Mr. Watterson."  I wanted the night to include me talking to her about how I feel towards her.  I mean I like her.  I've been holding back the flood of emotions, because I don't want to get too deep into this unless I know that she will reciprocate.  The movie was great.  It's also so nice to walk around with TheDesire.  She's pretty.  People notice her.  They look at me and think, "What a lucky douche."  I hate to admit it, but I do like that feeling.  To say that I'm the one this beautiful girl choose to be with.  Even though she's just a friend right now.  It's kinda been like that all my life.  Whenever people have mistaken me standing next to a pretty girl to mean that we're girlfriend and boyfriend it's made me feel nice.  Tonight was no different.  I don't want to think of TheDesire as simply arm candy.  She is much more than that.  But, one of the reason why I like her is her physical attractiveness.  I have this crazy idea that if she finally did go out with me that I might have to take her to Disneyland on our first date.  That would be another first.  Now I just have to overcome my cowardice.

Nov 17, heGirl flaked on going to Disneyland a few weeks ago.  Well, today we finally went.  It was a little anticlimactic since I've been to Disneyland two times since the time she flaked on me.  Mind you, the person I was with is nice, but of course T and I have never been intimate.  It's so difficult to go with a female friend to Disneyland.  Ever since TheGirl came into my life I have had the privilege of going to Disneyland escorted and in a relationship.  The park was always fun, but since TheGirl Disneyland has become ten times more everything.  Today was fun.  I tried not to be "lovey-dovey" with her since we aren't in a relationship, and those kind of things should be reserved for a couple.  We're good friends, and if things had worked out we would still be together.  But I really want to give my heart to someone that won't trample all over it.  I do want to trust TheDesire with my heart, though I wonder if she will truly appreciate it.  Perhaps she won't, but I'm willing to stick my neck out for her or any other person that comes into my life.  I'm not afraid to get hurt again.  I would rather NOT get hurt again.  I go into every relationship I've had with the idea that it's going to last forever.  They haven't.  But I still have that thought.  Back to Disneyland.  It was fun.  We arrived at nearly noon, so there were a lot of people there already.  With T I've been arriving at 9am, on average.  That's three hours earlier.  Still, we did some neat stuff.  TheGirl had never been on the sailing ship Columbia (pictured above), so we went.  I showed her the below deck stuff, which includes the bunks.
On our way home we started talking about relationships.  I want to lay the foundation for my future dating.  I don't know if there's a future with TheDesire, I WANT there to be certainly.  But, I want TheGirl to know in parts that I will move on.  Again, I hope it's with someone that will be that perfect mate.  I think we have to go through this in order to find that right person for us.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I'm drunk.  What I do know is that TheGirl does feel bad for the way things ended with us.  If she was a different person she would still be with me.  If I was a different person I would go and tell TheDesire that I want to be with her.  I made a wish upon my lucky jeans.  I asked TheGirl how long it took for her to have her wish granted.  She said six months.  Can I wait that long?  I guess I have no choice.  What I do know is that last night I failed.  I should have told TheDesire how I felt.  Left it all out on the table, so to speak.  I didn't.  And that either delayed her accepting that and reciprocating or it delayed me moving on.  I have to learn to go after the things I want.  At the end of the night TheGirl talked about how she isn't in a relationship.  I attempted to correct her to say that she is in a pseudo relationship with her husband.  The two of those deserve each other, that's for sure.  I wanted to illustrate that her non-commitment is still a commitment.  She countered by saying that it means nothing.  It's empty, the sex is empty, the relationship is empty.  I'm not quite sure if she's saying that or it's something she believes.  I guess it's because I don't care either way.  I'm out.

Nov 18, Work was work today.  The highlights of the day include getting the news that if I get this library assistant job they would ask me to work on Sundays.  Fuck!!  Fucking fuck!  I've been able to not work on most weekends for the last year or so.  And now I'm going to go back to working on Sundays?  Dammit!  I so wanted to just work on Fridays instead.  BUT, I guess they already have people covering that shift.  Now I'm painted into a corner, because it really does seem like this job is meant for me.  Just for me.  I'm downloading the application so I can fill it out as I write this sentence.  Oh man, what am I doing.  I told that Beverly Hills job that I would be available on Saturdays and Sundays.  Now I won't be available on Sundays, and that sure has fuck is going to make not not want to work on Saturdays.
I know I blew it with TheDesire on Saturday, but I'm still trying.  I still believe I have a chance, if only a slim one, to win her over.  I invited her to a showing of Nightmare Before Christmas at the Orpheum theater in downtown.  It's on a day she might work.  It would really validate her possibly liking me IF she asked for the day off.  I doubt that will happen, but you never know.  I keep saying that I have to tell her how I feel, but then I chicken out.  Tonight my coworkers said that I need to make that move.  Certainly, they said, her hanging out with me means that she is comfortable with me, and that on some level she likes me.  I sure hope so, because I won't have many chances with her.  The window of opportunity is certainly closing.
After work I took TheGirl home, after she walked up to meet me at my Monday job.  We had a talk, and I think she senses that I may be seeking a relationship.  She mentioned this by mentioning our trip to Big Sur set for Valentine's weekend.  She said she didn't have any plans, mainly because she hates celebrating that holiday.  But she also said that if I needed to postpone or move the date because of other circumstances that she would be OK with that.  Only other circumstances she was talking about was dating someone and wanting to take her out on Valentine's day.  Inside I do wish that I can celebrate Valentine's day with TheDesire.  But, realistically I don't know that anything will be happening between us at that point.  I sure hope so.

Nov 19, Work was work until I walked into my Glendale job and they told me that because of a mistake I've been making for the last few weeks I've been paid less than what I'm owed.  It turns out I put the wrong position number, and because of that I've been paid around $10 an hour rather than the $15 I usually make.  I've been leaving approximately 1/3rd of my potential pay on the table.  And the worst thing is that I may have been doing it for longer than just a few weeks.  I honestly can't remember when I started putting the wrong number, but my supervisor said that it's been at least since August.  That means, if they city can do it, I'll get that money in what might be a windfall.  Who knew?  Also, from this point forward I'll have the right number, and the amount of money I'll make will increase by a 1/3rd over the last few pay periods.  This has been a strange couple of weeks.
I've been mulling over this idea of the library assistant job.  It's pretty much a job that's meant for me.  I don't think the boss gave the form to anyone else.  I don't think they want anyone else.  I don't know that for sure.  These people play things pretty close to the vest.  It's not always easy to read them.  The last two weeks have been filled with so much potential change.  Change is definitely coming.  I thought it would just be something to do with TheGirl and our Wednesday dinners.  But it's much bigger than that now.  Not life changing, but.. no, it is life changing.  Not like getting married life changing.  But certainly things are going to change.  Hopefully for the better.  Definitely for the better.

Nov 20, I had a staff meeting this morning.  It was OK.  Then pictures of some of the workers.  Then getting something to eat, followed by a nap, then my shift.  Following work I had dinner with TheGirl at Pie n' Burger.  Good food, good company.  We were stuffed, so we walked around.  I carried Chan monkey around with me.  I'm sure TheGirl was thinking I have gone off the deep end.  Then the fireworks started as soon as I got home.  I want to thank her for being such a dope and pushing my buttons as SOON as I enter the door.  I need to not come home late.  Like when she's already gone to bed late.
Tonight I walk in the door about an hour earlier than I usually do on a Wednesday night, because I after dinner I didn't go over to TheGirl's place to chill.  I should have.  When I get home my aunt launches into this diatribe about how she doesn't want me going nuts and drinking like a fish while she's gone on her trip to Mexico, which starts on Friday.  Of course I drink like a fish while she's fucking here, so what would be the difference?  And of course I didn't mention to her that while she's on her trip I'm going on a trip of my own trip to Carmel on Thanksgiving.
Look, some BIG changes are coming to my life.  I can feel them like an oncoming storm.  But the storm isn't a harbinger of bad things, but rather of good things.  Good changes.  The potential promotion.  The possibility of winning over TheDesire.  The third job that I got at Beverly Hills.  I mean come on, one can't say that I'm not busting my hump.  I'm definitely out there in the jungle working it.  Yeah, I'm also having a good time.  I don't want to be some dope that never went anywhere and never did anything fun.  Fuck that!  Like is too fucking short to be a dope, like her sorry to say.  I talked about making plans to not come home so early, but now I really need to just stay away until I feel she's already in bed.

Nov 21, Thursdays are short days for me now, what with not having to travel to Pasadena until July of next year.  So I get to work until 3pm, which affords me being able to get some things done on Thursdays.  Tonight I once again hung out with T at Disneyland.  She mentioned something about a special annual pass holders event at DCA, and she was going to go.  She would meet me out there, and we could watch the World of Color water show.  It was pretty darn spectacular.  Fantasmic is a show that uses the same technology, but from the looks of the World of Color show Disney has more and bigger tech.  The water easily went as high as the ferris wheel behind the show.  The show was about thirty minutes long.  It was damn cool, and I now have to watch the none holiday version.  After the show, it was still relatively early, around 8pm.  T suggested we wait out the crowds, who were all leaving the park since the park closed at 8pm.  She further suggested we go to Ralph Brennan's Jazz Kitchen located in downtown Disney.  She thought it was a good place because we could get a drink and listen to some live music.  It was a good call.  The music was a pair of piano players taking requests.  Their set lasted two and a half hours!  That's insane.  They provided T and me with a soundtrack for the night.  They played one of the three songs we requested.  Guess five bucks doesn't buy what it used to.  That's fine, the whole set was great.  It was quite a fun night.

Nov 22, Once again I earn the nickname of Jack-of-all-trades at work.  After working upstairs I was asked to go pick up the delivery van from the city garage.  I had to walk up to city hall, which is only like three blocks from the library.  Once there the mechanic told me that the van would be ready on Saturday, and that he really didn't have a replacement van for us.  I phoned my supervisor about this and she told me to come back.  When I arrived she had another surprise assignment for me... Drive out to Brand library and help one of the administrators with something.  What that something was she didn't know.  She sent my coworker Anthony with me, because the job would require two.  When we arrived we were told that we had to upright the fence that was around part of the construction site, and had fallen over.  Just then I get a phone call saying that we can pick up some sandbags from the main fire station, which would mean having yo travel nearly ALL the way back to the central library.  That wasn't something I wanted to do, especially since we were on the clock and we couldn't stay very long.  We drove down to the local fire station instead.  They gave us the bags, but didn't have any sand for us.  Of course.  Tony and I went back and decided it was time to use our own brains and figure this out.  We decided to use some trash bins that were full of trash, and by that could hold down the fence with their weight.  Sure enough in a few minutes we had the fence up and secure.  I tied two loose areas with some rope I carry in the car and we were done.
After work I went home and my buddy and I went to get some dinner.  We followed that up with some drinking back at my house.  Definitely good times.  I told him about how T pretty much said to me last night that I'm the one they want for this library assistant job.  It's taken me all this time, and now here I am at the cusp of something new.  I'm wanted, I'm actually wanted for something.  Someone sees my potential, like TheBoss did, and wants me.  Sure did take long enough.
Today marked six years since my father's passing.  I didn't pause to think about it.  I saw it on my calendar and moved on.  Six years is a long time.  Six years ago I was working at Ralph's.  I was done with school, but I needed to focus on my future.  Today there is change on the horizon, just as there was back then.  I still can't say that I miss the man.  I've tried to be what he wasn't, a good man.  Perhaps some day I'll be able to be a good father.  Perhaps.  The fact that I'm even thinking of such a thing means something profound has changed inside me.  When I was with TheGirl I thought about the possibility of being a father.  She mentioned how I would be a great father.  But her baby factory was long shut down.  It was still something we talked about though.  Now I have my focus on TheDesire.  I know that she wants to start a family.  She wants to have four kids.  Two is plenty.  I'm rambling, which is what I do here.  It's stream of consciousness when I write this journal.  Which is why I sometimes make some mistakes.  Back to the point though, my father.  I'm sorry that he's gone.  His family misses him.  They loved him and cared for him.  Despite being "of him" I didn't care.  At the end I walked away.  His family probably thinks I'm a horrible person for that.  Perhaps I am.

Nov 23, I agreed to help out my coworker with his Spanish computer class today.  Despite warnings not to take any extra time on the clock because I'm over my hours.  My circulation supervisor wants me to be under, not over, so she can use me to work weekend events.  But, my coworker really needed someone.  Of course when I get to work we both realize that he didn't need me, since he only had two students go to class.  Still, it was nice of him to buy me lunch.  After lunch I went home, tired.  I wanted to take a nap, but thought better of it since I wanted to sleep early.  That didn't happen, but at least the rest of the day was spent doing very little.  Today is the first full day without my aunt being here.  I have only a few days to figure out this thing with my computer, so I can view the house from Carmel.  If I don't I'll try a back-up idea.  But, it sucks because the house will be alone for nearly three days.  I asked TheGirl to come on Friday to bring in my trash cans.  She is going to be nice and do it for me.  The days of leisure are going to be fewer and fewer with this new job.  It's not even official and here I am talking about it.  It's unofficially official.

Nov 24, In what is going to be a rare thing, today I slept-in, did nearly nothing but watch football on TV, and didn't go out.  I brewed my tea as well.  I also finished up my application for the new job.  Without that it's not going to happen.  It was strange to spend a night in the house all by myself.  My aunt is almost always here.  I had a glimpse at what it would be like if I moved out.  I lived the bachelor life.  I'll do so until Wednesday.
I told TheDesire about this "Nightmare Before Christmas" screening at the Orpheum downtown a couple of weeks from now.  It's at 1pm, and I'm sure she works at that time.  I hoped, really hoped, that she would take the day off.  Well, today she told me she did, not directly.  But, she still has to be at work at 5pm.  Thankfully there will be plenty of time.  I told her we could leave the movie as soon as 3pm.  Then I could drive her back to work.  She went for it, as witnessed in the email she sent me (shown above).  I texted H about this and asked her, "Do you think this means she likes me?"  She said yes.  Taking the day off shows that.  How much she likes me, that I don't know.  All I know is that I've put in my time with TheDesire.  This, like any relationship, isn't an investment.  You don't get a payout.  However, you do in a way.  You hope to have happiness in exchange for your investment of time.  Like in all things I'll do my best and do right by her or any woman that comes into my life.  I'm REALLY looking forward to this.

Nov 25, Work was work.  As it has come to be.  The main thing that I have to report tonight is that TheGirl questioned me about T.  She straight up asked me, "Who is T?"  I told her she was H's sister.  Aside from that she doesn't need to know.  It illustrated something.  That TheGirl still gives a damn if I start dating someone.

Nov 26, I resigned from my Beverly Hills job today.  I didn't even work a single day, but because of this pending promotion at San Marino I couldn't take the job at Beverly Hills.  I sure hope that these dopes at San Marino don't fuck me over.  I went in to city hall and went through the whole process of signing papers and stuff.  That took nearly an hour.  Then I went over to the library and spilled my guts about this promotion.  At the end of it all the supervisor there told me that the thing I should do it resign.  First day, and last day, all in one.  I resigned, hoping that San Marino didn't set me up.  I'm putting my neck on the line for this not promised promotion.  Supposedly it's mine.  But that's been said in the past, and nothing has happened.  Strangely enough, the woman at Beverly Hills hit upon something.  She said that perhaps her phone call to San Marino prompted them to say, "hey, we might lose this guy."  In that sense it's all falling into place.

As I'm drunk I decided to write TheDesire an email tonight.  Here's what I wrote.

I was just looking over my notes for this grand writing project I've been telling people about.  It's funny because i came upon a note that I put in after we went to see "Vergigo."  I didn't know if I mentioned it, but I LOVE that movie.  when it came out it was considered one of Hitchcock's flops.  Mainly because it dealt with certain subject that weren't mainstream at the time it was made.  however, though the years it was been called his most personal work.  Here's my note.. The last time I saw Vertigo I REALLLY related to the Judy character.

I've always related to the Scotty character.  Mainly because since the movie is framed around his point of view.  However, there's a humanity that I didn't notice int he Judy chacter that I noticed the night we went to see it.  Since then all I can think of is her point of view.  How she felt.  You see, it's Scoty's desire to be with Madeleine that move the entire second act of the movie.  The resolution in the third act is told in Scotty's point of view.  But, the Judy/Madeleine character is the object of Scotty's desire, and because of that she is more important than anything.  I'm rambling because at the end of the day I'm glad that I had this insight into this other side of the film.

I'll leave you with this for tonight.. San Francisco.  There's a line in "On the Road" that I LOVE more than I can say.  When I went up there a few years ago I found the quote on a station in the embarcadero that went something like this, "Ahead of us was the fabulous white city of San Francisco on her eleven mystic hills with the blue Pacific and its advancing wall of potato-patch fog beyond and smoke and goldenness in the late afternoon of time."  My desire is to write something as brilliant and touching as that line is to me.  Perhaps I've gotten into an Arpine moment here where I'm making sense only to myself.  But I KNOW that you will know what I'm talking about even without me saying it.  At least I hope you do.  I'll explain this to you at some point in the future.  Suffice to say that as an "artist" (whatever that is), I find myself needing to express something that I hope is universal.  that I hope isn't just felt by me.  Again, I'm rambling.  I had a crazy day today and I didn't hear from you and quire frankly I wonder how your day went.  I hope it was well.  I'll stop now, and say good day to you.

Nov 27, Had my traditional Wednesday dinner with TheGirl.  We went to Jax because she wanted to have a drink.  I ordered the turkey dinner, it was yummy.  We talked a lot about the past and future.  She asked me a follow-up to something she said before.  A few weeks ago when we went to Disneyland she told me that she still had feelings for me.  And I responded that that was why I stuck around.  I guess it sounded like I was hoping for something to happen again between us.  I'm sorry I made it sound like that, because I don't.  I want her in my life as a friend.  Having been in a relationship I know that those things fall apart with her.  If I'm willing to be one of the bunch it's OK with her.  I was that for a time, and you know what?  It fucking sucked.  So we think of the past and remember the good times.  But the bad times are what make me not want to go back.  I do love TheGirl.  But I did fall out of love with her a long time ago.  I knew that there was no use keeping those feelings within me.  I moved on, and ironically she has not.  You see, I did nothing wrong.  I was just me.  I didn't push her to be in a relationship.  I didn't ask her to do anything.  I just went with the flow.  Everyone else, pushes and pulls.  Like TheChisel.  He pushed, pulled, and pushed again.  We both ended up on the trash heap.  She still sees TheChisel though.  She'd still be sleeping with me if she could.  I knew better than to fall back into that situation as well.  I don't like sharing.  I don't like swimming in the a pool with a lot of strangers.  It doesn't feel right.  Tomorrow is the big day.

Nov 28, Woke up super early, because my intention was to get on the road by 6am.  I didn't quite make it that early.  I was on the road at exactly 7:17am.  Still pretty dang early.  The drive went fast.  Big Sur was lovely, and I was able to get a really photo.  Perhaps the photo of the trip.  When I pulled into Carmel I was early for check-in, so I went to the beach.  I felt uneasy being here though.  Maybe it was worrying about my house.  Maybe it was anticipating the work I had to do this weekend.  Maybe it was the bills that I can't afford to pay because I have run out of money.  It's probably all those things.  The restaurant that TheGirl and I always eat when we're here is called Club Jalapeno.  Good food, and good margaritas.  I tried calling them all last week to see if they were going to be open on Thanksgiving.  No one answered, so I never knew for sure.  There wasn't even a sign out in front of the restaurant when I got here.  I figured since the sign said that they opened at five that I best just kill some time waling around Carmel.  I returned around twenty minutes before five and took a seat outside.  A voice said to me, "Come over here and sit."  It was an older woman that was telling me not to sit on the cold planter, but rather a bench.  What followed was a forty minute conversation with a woman named Delilah.  She told me that change was on my horizon.  How did she know?  What was eerie was her telling me that I'm writing a book.  And, that new love is on the way.  I'll settle for the new love.  The hell with the fucking book.  After driving down to Monterey for dinner I came back, rested and walked down to the beach in the middle of the night.  It was surreal to know that I was surrounded by people, but all of them were in their homes.  I was the only fool that walked down to the beach at that time.  I stood there, in the darkness, and talked to the Universe.  The stars were wonderful.  I walked back and started working on this supposed masterpiece.  Nice productive day.

Nov 29, I wrote today.  I started this story with the story of my Monterey trip sight years ago with MontereyGirl.  I went to Club Jalapeno again today.  Sure enough, I get there they tell me they just closed 15 minutes earlier.  Fuck!  Makes me wonder how I ever had a meal there.  I worked until I was just tired and that was late.  I don't know what I have here, but my instinct tells me I have shit.  I'm not liking this.  However, I do feel that perhaps I'm getting the bad writing out of the way.  Perhaps.  I sure hope so, because without reading what I have I have to say that what I wrote today is a pile of shit.  Nothing but a pile of shit.  About the only thing I accomplished was getting a huge sandwich and eating it for lunch and dinner.  Since the Club wasn't open, I was glad to at least have some food in my room to eat.  I'm trying to do all this on a budget.  It ain't easy.  Today was a bust.

Nov 30, I woke up worrying about the house.  My mind thinks that there's a burst pipe filling the house with water right about now.  My buddy is going to visit the house later for me.  He's the one that will inform me of that fact.  OK, so it's probably not flooded.  What I do know is that this book of mine is a total waste of time.  It's a story I already know, and I'm sure no one wants to read.  It's like, why bother.  I have moved on, and here I am reliving the past in a work of art.  I haven't enjoyed my time here in Carmel.  This place needs to be shared.  I like walking the streets, but not when it's like last night.  I was getting hungry and decided to get something to eat at my favorite restaurant.  I figured it was still open.  Nope.  9:30, the guy said.  It was 9:44pm.  Just great.  I ended up returning to my room and eating the second half of this huge sandwich I bought yesterday.  I drank some wine, and went to sleep.  The vodka I bought gets me nice and tanked, but it's harsh on my stomach.  Actually, a lot of things are harsh on my stomach these days.  Alcohol just feels harsher these days.  I don't like it.  And the whole weekend I've noticed that I've been clinching my jaw again.  Like I'm really concentrating and I'll notice that my damn jaw is hurting me.  I don't want to write this any more.  Turns out I'm not a writer.  I'm a photographer.
I tried to salvage this trip by visiting the gallery TheGirl and I visited last time we were here.  The guy we talked to remembered me.  I stayed for a little more than an hour, until my meter ran out.  I've been feeling sick this entire time.  Sick isn't the correct word.  Been feeling achy, without energy.  I want to sleep all day.  I nearly feel asleep today after coming back from eating a burger after the gallery visit.  I don't like this feeling.  I don't like feeling so listless.  Especially when this was supposed to be a working vacation.  I really didn't get what I expected out of this trip.  Hate to say it, but this trip has been a bust.  I can't wait to go home tomorrow.

I've been doing these 52 week projects for the last three years.  This is year four.