August was a long month for me.  Probably because it did stretch out nearly five weeks this year.  It started out with the remnants of my trip up to Big Sur, and ended with a countdown to another trip up to Big Sur next month.  So much has happened, and here it is.

Aug 1, Can it be that it has nearly been a week since I was in Big Sur.  I know that many of my entries will be dominated with the theme of Big Sur for weeks to come.  What can I say, I had not only a great time but an brush with enlightenment.  But I had to return to real life, and real life is in raw sometimes.  Case in point, I have lost another friend.  Freesiatheflower was an online friend that I have known for years.  I mean like at least a decade.  Today she sent me an email saying that she couldn't understand why I deleted her off of Facebook.  ARGH, that damn Facebook drama.  I admit, I would call her when I was having trouble with TheGirl and pile on my shit.  But she was free to call me and tell me what was going on in her life.  She didn't.  I didn't even know she was dying last year.  How could I?  I would ask her how she was and would get a short answer.  Things that like need long form responses.  But I'm not going to beat her up.  I did delete her off of Facebook after trying to call her several times over the last few months.  I never got a call back, so I figured she didn't want to talk to me.  And she didn't.  Then came the email explanation.  She picked the wrong time to do this, because I'm ready to shed most of my current group of friends, including TheGirl.  I don't miss people like I used to.  Freesiatheflower was a great friend, and I do feel bad that she feels I've abandoned her.  I know she also hates TheGirl being in my life, because of the shit she's put me through.  We all make choices, not always the best.

Aug 2, Four days into this week and it feel like it's only been a day since I returned.  This week is going fast, to say the least.  I hung out with TheGirl tonight because she asked me to go the the meditation center with her.  I was happy to go since I still feel this great euphoria from the weekend.  It was more of a talk than a class on how to meditate, an interesting discussion about contentment.  I feel contentment in my life right now.  I really do.  The trip was just the culmination, the moment of realization, that I am very content on my life.  Ah, except the situation with TheGirl.  That I am not content with... but I'm making plans to fix that.  Plans that involve walking away from all the drama, and the continued hurt feelings.  Because she has continually not listened to my hints that she needs to make a choice.  So I've made a choice to no longer have her in my life.  She doesn't deserve me.  She still treats me like we're in a relationship.  We're still intimate.  We're still holding hands.  But then she goes off with this other guy and probably does the same.  Wrong!  I've taken it this long because of the continued sexual intimacy.  However, that can only sustain me for a short time knowing there's another man in her life.  She wants it both ways, and she's getting it.  Not for long, if I can help it.  I can confidently say that I'm no longer in love with TheGirl.  More and more I'm also beginning to not like her.

Me trying to move "Levitated Mass" at LACMA

Aug 4, I slept over TheGirl's last night, and today we're spending the day together.  Next week TheGirl wont be in town.  She'll be gone the middle of the week until Monday in San Diego.  Then she'll be back in town on Saturday and Sunday probably with TheChisel.  As I write this sentence it is already noon and we aren't out the door.  Last week at this time I was on my way up to Carmel after my morning hike of enlightenment (as I should now call it).  We're planning on going to Venice beach to get her a toe ring.  Exciting, huh?  Yeah right.
(at the end of the day) Today was nice, but unfulfilling.  I have made the choice to let the girl initiate our conversations.  So because she doesn't we sat long periods of time not saying anything to each other.  She did tell me that she feels emotionally closer to me now than she ever has in the past.  Makes no sense to me, but whatever.  The picture above is of me trying to "move" the 340 ton rock known as "Levitated Mass" at LACMA.  I might as well be trying to move TheGirl's thought process to meld with mine and have her understand how much this whole process has hurt.

Aug 7, I renewed my Disneyland annual pass tonight, after getting a reminder in the mail.  This coming year I'm going to have a Premium annual pass.  Which means for the first time in my life I can go to Disneyland any day of the year!  Woo!  Come September 15th I'll have carte blanche.

picture TheGirl emailed me from tonight's "meet and greet"

Aug 8, TheGirl and her daughter are in San Diego to attend the graduation of TheGirl's daughter's boyfriend from Marine basic training.  Months ago, when he first went in, I was invited to the graduation.  Subsequently I was uninvited due to politics.  TheGirl's son was going to go down, and since our affair broke up the marriage of his parents he couldn't be around me.  TheGirl's son didn't go down to the graduation.  But TheChisel will be there.  TheGirl acknowledges that this is wrong, but not for a minute did she think to tell TheChisel to back off and that she would see him afterward.  That hurts more.  In the last couple of weeks I have seen a change in TheGirl.  She has gotten more retrospective about our "relationship," and has mentioned that of the two men I'm number one on her priority list.  Yeah, like that helps me feel any better.  I don't want to be one of two.  I want to be one of one.  I told her Tuesday night that I didn't like having to share her.  I'm still making plans to move on, but then we have a great weekend together, like this past one, and I think to myself that she will choose me.  Even though I should be saying, "fuck it," and walk away.  Suffice to say TheGirl gave me a series of hugs and looks last night as we said good night.  It's like she wants to end things with TheChisel this weekend, but she doesn't know how.  Something about him fulfills her to the point that she can't walk away from him.  And she can't walk away from me.  I need to walk away, but I find that easier said than done.  Something about her, even in this abbreviated and shared relationship, still fulfills me.

Aug 9, The following is an except from my journal entry today:

Tomorrow is TheGirl's daughter's boyfriend's graduation from bootcamp.  I was invited shortly after she went in three months ago.  Things were so different then.  Tomorrow TheChisel will be there, but not in my place.  He has been placed there by the actions of TheGirl.  And while I have a deep enmity for him it is really displaced anger with TheGirl for all that she has put me through.  My feelings towards her remain those of affection.  My brain has tricked me into this by placing my hatred on a man who actually has done nothing wrong.  TheGirl let him assume it was OK to pursue a relationship with her.  So is it any wonder that he wants to pursue a relationship with her?  TheGirl let him think that it was OK to go to this graduation in lieu of me going.  TheGirl has brought him into my life by going away with him every other weekend when we were still together officially.
This whole thing hurts.  Because the daughter's boyfriend talked to me on the phone for a few moments today.  He was just about to ask if I was going to come down tomorrow, but I cut him off.  I wanted to be there, but everyone who wasn't invited gets to be there instead of me.  So fair, huh?  TheChisel might be a good guy, for all I know.  I still don't like him.  I should turn that hate towards TheGirl though, and finally walk away from all this fucking bullshit.  I'm working on it.

Mad T Party at DCA

Aug 11, I received my renewed Disneyland annual pass today.  I wasn't sure if I could use the pass right away, but after a phone call to Disneyland I found out that I could and I was off to meet up with my coworker T from the library.  She has an premium annual pass, and is dating a guy who just happens to be working at DCA.  She invited me earlier in the week, but I told her I wasn't sure since I didn't think I would get the pass until next week.  However, I checked my mail today and found the new pass waiting there for me.  It's so cool that I can now go to Disneyland any day of the year!  When I arrived at DCA I made a beeline towards the new attraction, Radiator Springs racers.  The whole of Car's Land is so cool, so highly detailed.  That and the new entrance, Buena Vista street, make DCA worthy of the Disney name.  Before DCA looked cheap.  Today Buena Vista street is a perfect compliment to Main Street in Disneyland proper.  Great night!

JS taking a picture

Aug 12, Today I hung out with JB, the woman I would very much like to replace TheGirl.  I say that because even though I love TheGirl with a passion, she has done me wrong.  There is no future with her given her attitude about relationships, and not wanting to be exclusive anymore.  It's the one thing I don't understand about her these days.  But then again, a leopard doesn't change its spots.  Or in another way, people don't change.  TheGirl has always been non-monogamous.  I digress.  My point was that I want to cultivate something outside of the pseudo relationship with TheGirl, and replace it with a real relationship.  Now I don't know if JB is going to be that girl.  I like to get to know her better, that's for sure.  I like to see if we could become something more than photo buddies.  We shall see.  We certainly didn't pick a good day to go out and take pictures.  It was as hot as blazes on the streets of Los Angeles.  We walked up Western from her place near 8th street, all the way up to Melrose.  In the scorching heat any little distance is too much.  We championed through the heat, and I was able to take some great pictures.  JB took some good ones as well.  I like her eye for things.  I think it's not as honed as mine, but she's doing a good job getting there.  I have a long journey to getting to be a great photographer myself.  I like JB, though I'm reserving my feelings for now.  I don't want to get a crush on her only to be crushed later.  Better to make sure she's interested in the same thing as I am.

Aug 13, TheChisel was supposed to leave today at around midday.  But by the time I got off work at 8pm TheChisel was still at TheGirl's place.  Apparently his car battery died and he had to get it replaced, and then that turned into a whole saga of wrong batteries, and time's a-wasting.  Suffice to day TheGirl was not happy having to tell me to wait until nearly 9pm for me to come over.  But go over I did, and it was worth it.  We were intimate.  She gave TheChisel the bum's rush because she wanted to see me all weekend long.  She knew TheChisel was trying to stay another day, but she didn't want him to stay.  And I mean why would she.  The way she talks about him, how she can't act like herself, and how her "relationship" with him feels so phony, just makes me wonder why she even bothers to hang out with him.  Why she bothered to pursue him.  Why she bothered to sleep with him, and lead him to believe they were in a relationship.  Whatever!  I know that TheGirl is just nuts.  She's in search of someone who will pour money out on the table for her.  She's interested in someone who will spend his last dime on her.  Well I would, but there wouldn't be very many dimes in the picture before the last one showed up.  In that lies a huge problem for me.  I will never be a man of huge means.  I will never be good enough for her in that sense, because I don't give a damn about money.  It's a tool.  Granted, it can be a tool that helps and makes things a little better.  Nevertheless, it's not the most important thing.  Love is certainly quite important.  Yet, for her money and living high on the hog is good enough.  Love is poor, and better to live high on the hog without love than live nearly on the streets and be loved completely.  She can appreciate the latter in principle, because it feels great.  In practice, however, she would rather have the money.  Or would she?  Her not having such a good time and wanting him out the door as soon as possible shows me that she really doesn't want to end up with TheChisel.  She liked it fine when he was just a "friend" and he spent money on her.  But now that he wants more, she is balking.  Ideally she will leave him and start anew with me.  Not so fast though.  I'm not entirely sure I want to go back.  TheGirl has treated me like shit for the last three and a half months.  I forgive, but I don't forget the actions of others.  Especially when it involves hurting someone else's feelings.  Part of me just wanted to go home tonight, and tell TheGirl to shove it, to not rush TheChisel since I wasn't going over anyway.  I didn't, because the intimacy was worth the wait.

TheGirl and I at the new Car's Land

Aug 14, DIS.. NEY.. LAND!!  Today was supposed to be a day of camping, as per TheGirl's idea.  But, we didn't make it to the camp site because TheGirl's daughter's boyfriend didn't want to go camping.  So I get screwed out of three days work this week.  Thanks a lot!  Disneyland itself was cool.  We spent as much time at DCA as we did at Disneyland proper.  That's a first.  The new rides at DCA really pull people in.  We went on Radiator Springs Racers twice.  I could also see that Disneyland had about an even amount of people as DCA.  I like crowds spread like that.  Because it meant that we were able to get on a good number of rides at Disneyland faster than normal.  Of course it being the middle of the week probably helped a bit as well.

Aug 15, It's funny to me that we didn't go to our usual Veggie Grill with TheGirl's daughter's boyfriend today.  Oh well.  Since I asked for the day off last week, and there was no way I could get it back, I had an unintended day off today.  The day started with me having a dental appointment in which I found out I have another cavity, and I'm going to have to have another tooth extracted.  Fuck this shit!  The day consisted of me spending money I don't have to spend.  First the dentist.  Then lunch.  Then going off to Santa Monica for drinks and nachos on 3rd street.  Everything costs money.  TheGirl likes people spending money on her.  Who doesn't like people spending money on them?  I love that shit.  But the money comes from somewhere.  In my case it comes from working, like a dog.  So now I will have lost three days work this week because TheGirl wanted us to go camping yesterday and today, and then Disneyland on Friday.  Well, since we did Disneyland yesterday we don't have to do it on Friday.  But of course that means that I asked for that day off for nothing.  I'm going to go into work next week and see if I can work next weekend.  Some hours here and there, in order to make up for the hours I lost these week.  TheGirl did get a new phone today.  But then when we were back at her place she lamented that she spent too much on it, and that she should have waited.  I tell you, when I buy something it's because I've thought about it long and hard.  Usually my electronic purchases are a month after I first consider buying something.  It took me a month to buy the computer I'm using right now.  And here it is, six years later still chugging along.  Why? Because I didn't just buy the first computer I saw.  I thought long and hard about switching to a Mac.  TheGirl is more impulsive.  She'll like her new phone all right.

Aug 16, Today was like an oven.  It was not easy to deal with the heat while driving the delivery van.  The amount of items delivered wasn't that many.  However, the heat sapped my energy today to the point that I took TWO naps during the day.  One on my break, the other during lunch.  It also comes from burning the candle at both ends this week.  ARGH, when I think about how much money I left on the table this week in order to accommodate TheGirl and her "let's go camping" thing.  Only to find out we're not going camping.  That sucks.  I need as much time on the job as I can get in order to pay some major bills.  Like that damn dentist.  I nearly forgot.  I have a new boss at Circulation.  He is the guy that used to work in technical services, but now he's my boss.  He seems like a good guy.  Time will tell what changes he will make.

Santa Barbara mission

Aug 17, Since I asked for the day off, and I didn't ask my supervisor if she needed me today (I really just wanted a day off) TheGirl and I went down to Santa Barbara.  We had planned on going Sunday, but thought the better of it since we didn't have anything to do today.  So I drove Crockett down the 101 and hit muggy Santa Barbara.  TheGirl had some passport drama that she was dealing with while driving down to Santa Barbara.  TheHusband was going to go on a cruise with her next week.  But sharp eyed me saw that his passport was expired.  So TheHusband was at the consulate trying to get his paperwork updated.  No dice.  They will both have to go on Monday.  In the meantime we had arrived at the mission.  The place is huge, but the sucky thing was that it cost $5 per person to check out more than just the exterior.  Forget that!  Money is tight.  No way I was dropping money on that.  So we took the pictures we could outside (like the one above) and then went down to downtown.  There we walked State st, the main drag.  We stopped to get something to eat at a place called Mac's, a fish & chip joint.  The fish was OK, better than most, but nothing to write home about.  The "chips" were good, thick.  After walking our dinners off we got back in the car and headed home.  The 101 was packed the whole way, and my stomach was starting to make its presence known.  When we were getting ready to hit the hay both of us mentioned how heavy the fish & chips had hit us.  I gave TheGirl a Pepto pill to help her feel better, and we cuddled until we both just passed out from being tired.  Good day.

Yummy food from Villa Sombrero

Aug 18, Today felt like a Sunday, since Friday I had the day off.  Upon waking up I showered and made my way back home.  TheGirl was having a visitor around midday, and even though she didn't ask me to go, I knew that she didn't want me there.  Well, actually the visitor didn't want me there.  But that's fine.  I went back home and ran some errands.  Bought some stuff I needed and had a good time.  I knew I would see her in the evening.  And sure enough, come 5pm we were reunited.  We headed out for dinner at this place called Villa Sombrero.  Good food, and even better margaritas.  Those things pack a punch.  It's a good thing I nursed mine.  I usually inhale my booze.  After dinner we drove up to the Observatory, where it was nearly 10pm.  The park closes at 10, so we didn't have much time up there.  But we did have a good laugh when we observed people having ants crawl up their arms as they gazed upon the fair city from one of the terraces.  Everyone would come up right to the railing and since it was dark, they wouldn't notice that it was crawling with ants.  The people wouldn't notice right away, but within 10 to 30 seconds they would be brushing away a million ants off themselves.  TheGirl just laughed and laughed at everyone's predicament.  I was caught by those ants too.  So I sympathized with the poor souls that had been attacked by this colony of ants.  We went back to her place and were intimate.  Our intimate moments have not wained in passion, even through all this relationship drama.  Perhaps it's because I know that I should just enjoy whatever moments I have with TheGirl and not try to hold on to her.  TheChisel just keeps trying, but that's the best way to have her want to bolt.  She has grown closer to me as I grow farther from her.  Strange how that works.  On a side note, we're planning on going to Big Sur at the end of September.

The Lake Shrine

Aug 19, Today TheGirl and I went down to the Lake Shrine in the Palisades.  Followed by dinner at Veggie Grill, and then a slice of pie at House of Pies in Hollywood.  Today was a mini-marathon of three days hanging out with the girl.  I made the most of it since next weekend she's going off on a cruise with some "found" money.  Found in that someone gave it to her.  Her sugar daddy.  The friend that wanted to meet me and then said he was busy.  Whatever.  TheGirl mentioned after meditating today at the temple at Lake Shrine that it was her best meditation session by far.  Something clicked in her.

Aug 20, Back to the grind today.  It actually felt good to get back to work.  Wait, did I really write that just now?  Ha!  It was good because I get to make some money.  The last month has been tough on the wallet.  First there was Big Sur, and then now last week were I missed out on working three days, but some of my more productive days mind you.  I left a lot of money on the table last week.  Tomorrow is payday, but the next payday will reflect the days off, and that's going to hurt.

Aug 23, Tonight TheGirl and I went to a local mediation center, as we have three out of the last four weeks.  She's off on her cruise tomorrow, so it was a nice night to hang out and have a good time before her trip.  I mentioned to her that I guess I wasn't going to be seeing her on her birthday in a few weeks.  She mentioned that she did have plans with TheChisel, but that she asked him to leave on Sunday so she could spend the time with me.  THAT came as a shocker, because it does show she continues to place me first.  But first where?  On her calendar?  Her heart?  I shouldn't care about the latter, because despite loving her I'm not in love with her any more.  I can now say that with confidence.  I do love her though, and could easily fall back IN love with her given the right conditions.  Nevertheless, the specter of her cheating on me, and hurting me, is not something that is easily glossed over.  In fact, it's something that's unforgivable.  And yet I'm going up to go up to Big Sur at the end of September with her.  She told me that she doesn't care who knows about the trip, but the reality is she isn't broadcasting it to TheChisel.  She' back to making me her secret lover, like when we started.  That's fine, since I know there isn't a future.  I'm just having a good time with TheGirl now.  Nothing longterm, no huge love of a lifetime.  Just fun.

Flo's, at Disney's California Adventure after work

Aug 24, TheGirl being out of town on a cruise ship with her husband doesn't preclude me from being able to go to Disneyland.  My co-worker/boss Tiffany met me down at Disneyland after work tonight.  I fought traffic all the way down, so it's appropriate that I would fight traffic at Disneyland's parking lot.  I sat, and sat for what was probably 10 minutes, but felt like forever, waiting for entrance to the parking structure.  At which point the parking attendants just started letting cars go in without paying.  Not that I had to pay since I have a premium annual pass now.  The night started with dinner at Hungry Bear, with a side of backstage views of Fantasmic.  The rest of the night was Tiffany and I going on the attractions with short lines: Haunted Mansion, Big Thunder, etc.  It's too bad I couldn't enjoy a longer night, because I did have a great time with my co-worker.  Speaking of co-workers, the girl I photographed last year is single.  I want to go after her.  I like her, a lot.  More than JB, probably because I've known her longer.  It's still too easy to make a move.  But a move is what I should make.  TheGirl is a good stopgap for now.  I get a companion and sex, while still being able to look out for an actual relationship.  TheGirl is understanding that I'm the better option for her.  However, her stance on not wanting to be in a relationship is causing her to not be in one with me.  Besides, our thing has run its course.

Going to DCA before heading to Disneyland proper

Aug 26, I covered a shift at work today.  I didn't want to go straight home, and deal with my aunt reminding me about twenty things that I have to do.  So I took myself down to Disneyland for drinks, rides and dinner.  I spent more than I should have, seeing as I'm on a budget.  My next paycheck is going to be smaller because of the days I took off a couple of weeks back.  Days, it turns out, I really didn't have to take off.  Thanks a lot.  Riding the attractions at Disneyland while a little buzzed makes them all the more fun.  I went home relatively early since I have work tomorrow.

Aug 27, TheGirl came home from her cruise today.  I went over after work to listen to her story about her trip.  She said she had a good time, despite having to deal with the daggers that TheHusband threw in her direction.  They didn't leave the boat, because TheHusband is falling apart.  She ate a lot.  She missed me.  I was glad to see her, but the spark of excitement wasn't there like in the past.  I did miss her, but not as severely as in weekends when she went away in the past.  We plan on being intimate on Wednesday.  And TheGirl asked me to sleepover this weekend.  Next weekend TheChisel gets her.  But we I get to hang out with her on her birthday.  I already have her gift.  I can't wait.

Aug 29, Tonight I went over to TheGirl's for our now traditional Wednesday night dinner, with a side of intimacy.  Dinner was nice, we talked and such.  Intimacy was awesome.  I was so worked up that we were intimate twice.  Not something I expected, but certainly a pleasant surprise, especially since we both came at the same time during our second session.  I'm sleeping over TheGirl's this weekend.
My cute co-worker, the one that posed for some pictures last year, is now officially single.  And I am unofficially interested.  She is nice, and last year when TheGirl dumped me the first time I was nearly ready to kiss this co-worker of mine.  I didn't, though I wonder if I should have.  This time I think I really should kiss her sooner than later.  She is definitely the marrying kind.

suddenly there was rain in El Valle

I've been doing these 52 week projects for the last two years.  This is year three.