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Afterthoughts : This Past Month
This month has not been an easy one. But at the end of the month things seem to be looking up.
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much needed burger with bacon and avocado from Big Daddy Grill
June 1, This has not been an easy week. What with my co-worker having an aneurysm early in the week, and then finding out she was brain dead on Wednesday, and then working nine hours Thursday, today I didn't to unwind after work. TheGirl and I went to a place in Pasadena that serves up some pretty good food. I had a burger with bacon and avocado, and a side of super tasty onion rings.
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June 2, TheGirl invited me to come along to a friend's outdoor party/BBQ today. It was nice to converse with different people. She stared at me the whole time. Later she told me it was because she wanted to make sure I was OK. I was fine. I like her a lot. The party went pretty fast, though we didn't stay until the end.
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June 5, Today we found out that my co-worker has been dead since Saturday when her family took her off life support. Also found out that tomorrow is the service. A couple of my co-workers and myself are going to head out to the funeral and pay our condolences. It's not going to be an easy day. My co-worker Erma was a really nice lady. Last year when I was dumped Erma listened to me bitch and moan about how much pain I was feeling. She never made a judgement, just listened and told me things were going to be OK. She was right. It's sad that a year later I'm going to her funeral.
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A funeral for a co-worker/friend
June 6, Today was my co-worker's funeral. The chapel where it was held was PACKED. At least 500 people there, probably more. I'm pretty sure that when I pass away five people will be there. IF THAT! Someone at the funeral mentioned Jesus.. ha, pretty much EVERYONE mentioned Jesus at the funeral. Apparently my co-worker was SUPER religious and "found god" at one point in her life. I call bullshit, because "finding god" is really an internal thing that people confuse with an external thing. Perhaps I have it all wrong, and whatever. But I will say here and now.. I'm not embuded with the "holy spirit." Also today, I went over to TheGirl's place for dinner and some intimate time. Well, of course the ghosts of the past have to come into play. The ex-husband sent her a message through their son. Apparently the ex wants a meeting with TheGirl and the kids. For whatever reason he wants to talk to her just as the divorce is about to be finalized. I told TheGirl straight up that I knew she would have this meeting with him, eventually. She doesn't want to see him, but I know she will.. because she's weak, and still cares for him deep down inside. I know she says she doesn't want to see him, but she will. I don't care either way.
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June 8, It was a year ago today that TheGirl broke up with me. The Universe is a strange place, because tomorrow her divorce supposedly becomes final. I didn't actually remember what day was the day she dumped me, but then I looked back at this page and saw that it was one year ago today, only to subsequently return to me a few days later.
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June 9, TheGirl went out of town yesterday, and I worked my first Saturday shift at the Glendale library, ever today. It was pretty chill. I didn't have to do much. TheGirl's daughter and I were writing emails back and forth all day long, commiserating about TheGirl abandoning us every other weekend in favor of this hiking "friend" of hers. TheGirl's daughter agrees with me that these trips are a slap in the face to both of us. She thinks her mother's friendship with this man is wrong, as I have been saying all along. TheGirl claims a lot of things, but then her actions contradict her words. So I can only think that if things don't change soon I will have no choice but to walk away from this relationship. I can't take having to hold my tongue about this egregious act, because voicing my opinion has already been said to me to be something I can't do without also being shown the door. Perhaps TheGirl's daughter talking to her will jar TheGirl into finally seeing that her friendship with this man is inappropriate.
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June 10, And once again TheGirl breaks up with me. She came back home from her most recent trip with this guy and told me that it was over. She admitted that she was having an emotional affair with this Butch guy. And that she had slept with him last night after getting drunk. She didn't want to continue hurting me, and so she hurts me one last time and did something incredibly bad in order to have a good reason to leave me. Because, I suspect, she knew that anything short of her cheating on me would not make me walk away. She asked me to remain friends, and I agree. Whether I can actually be her friend is another thing. All I know is that I'm ready to move on. I've been preparing for this for the last couple of weeks.
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June 11, A day after our break-up TheGirl and I start our friendship. Meeting in the parking lot I didn't feel sad, I just felt nice. I'm committed to our friendship, though I know the both of us have to now determine our new boundaries (from lovers to just friends). I will admit that our friendship is important to me partially because I need it to ease the pain of the break-up. I like spending time with TheGirl, and friendship will be a pseudo relationship for now in my mind. Wednesday night I'm going over to her place to have dinner. And Saturday I'm going to drive to her camp site and hang out with her for the day.
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June 13, TheGirl was officially laid off today. After eleven years at that job she was let go in an instant. She feels that the whole thing was motivated by a personal vendetta. Whether that's true or not I don't really know yet. It could be, but I suspect not so much. What I do know is that TheGirl needs to get that job next week. It's her only hope. As far as we're concerned the fuck buddy phase of our relationship will start soon. I'm not sure what this means for the both of us. I know that she's confused and she doesn't know what she wants. I mean, she knows she wants some things, but as far as love TheGirl is no longer in love with me, though she loves me very much. So we'll try it this way for a while and she what happens.
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TheGirl leaves, I write a message
June 14, TheGirl came back to work today to clean out her desk. It was sad to see her desk so empty afterward. I wrote on the back board where people said where they were "Good-bye.. forever." She liked that, but warned me to watch out and not get in trouble. I won't. The people at work need to know they suck.
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I love you this much
June 16, I drove up to Cachuma campground to visit TheGirl at her favorite place. Then we drove up to Solvang. At first she could tell that I wasn't sure what this new friendship would be. I wasn't myself because I didn't know the new boundaries. Granted, we have agreed that we will still be intimate, but what does that mean in terms of hanging out in public. Are we to still hold hands? Can I kiss her? Can I smack her bottom? All these questions won't be answered but by her. After she turned to me and said, "Just be yourself," I figured that I would just continue as before. Until she says different. Sure enough, by the end of the day we were as if we hadn't broken up. Strange, I know, but we'll make it work. I know that part of me is in this because I want to ween myself off her slowly. But then there is a part of me that hopes she will see that it's best just to stay with me. Although, I'm not sure it's best to stay with her.
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June 20, TheGirl and I were intimate tonight. For the first time in two weeks, and for the first time since our break-up and the establishment of our new friends with benefits period of our relationship. It has been two week since we were last intimate. At the end of the night we agreed that our new friendship has strangely brought us closer because we have agreed to be friends than when we were a couple. Strange, but true. Tomorrow is a HUGE day. Tomorrow TheGirl has what will turn out to be the most important job interview ever. Tomorrow she either has a new job and all that comes with a full-time job. Or she doesn't get the job and she is down to her last options. I have wished her the best of luck, and even prayed for her. Yes, I prayed.
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TheGirl got the job, and I let everyone at work know
June 21, TheGirl got the job!! For the last few weeks I've been hearing about this job that her friend Nick had lined up for her. He would tell her that the job was hers. We still worried that she might not get the job. Our fears were quelled today with the announcement that TheGirl now has a full-time job! I'm so happy for her. I'm so proud of her.
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The view from the loft where the art show is being held tomorrow
June 29, The past week has been pretty much just work and more work. I was told that my hours were not cut, and that helps me. And since I was able to get more hours at one of the branch libraries I actually came out of all these cuts with more hours than before. Tonight I went with my buddy Dane to drop off my art work for tomorrow's art show. It was nice of him to come with me. Especially since TheGirl deemed it more important to spend today and tomorrow with her "friend" instead of with me. The other day I realized that TheGirl has actually never been to any of my art showings. Two years ago I invited her to see my work at the San Marino library. I knew she couldn't make it back then because she was still with the husband. This time I thought it would be different, but it turned out her friend was more important to her. I mean who knows. She might be itching to join me, but she sure didn't seem to make much of an effort to tell him to take a powder. I mean, come on. She's hung out with him every other weekend for the last two and a half months and she couldn't tell him too bad this time? I feel slighted. But since we're not in a "relationship" any more I can't ask her to come. it's up to her now. I hate to say it, but I hope she feels guilty tomorrow. I hope she has a terrible time with her friend thinking how she did me wrong AGAIN. But then again, I don't want to hurt her. I love her too much for that.
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There's a happening going on
June 30, The art show went well. I didn't sell any pieces, but met some interesting people. I got a few compliments on my work, and I passed out a few of my cards. All-in-all a good night. TheGirl's absence didn't feel so bad after a while, seeing as I was talking to a half naked girl who was the canvas for body painting. TheGirl did txt me a couple of times while I was there, but I made it a point not to get too chatty on the txts because she should have been there. I know it's silly to keep saying that. But as a friend she has not quite lived up to the promise that she would always be there. Her little friend thing needs to end if she wants me in her life. But anyway, back to the art show. I think this isn't going to be the only time I show my work through these people. I liked people talking to me about my work, and I like my work being seen by people that would normally not even come into contact with it.
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