My new iPhone 4

This past month can best be described as just another month.  Nothing special {except me getting my new iPhone (above)}, because nothing is going on.  I'm just existing, working and then working and working some more.  I'm spinning my wheels literally going nowhere.  It's been a couple of months since I was placed on academic suspension from the Masters program I was in.  It did feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, but at the same time it added a huge burden of trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life.  And that's where I am right now.  I don't know.  I asked a coworker this same question and they responded by telling me about their dream to go overseas.  It's a nice thought, but even she wonders if it's something that's attainable.

As for me, I have my Bachelor's degree.  But, I haven't done anything with it.  So it's not like I don't have an education, but as stated I'm not doing anything with it.  I'm working at a library at a job that I mastered in three months.  It's not challenging anymore.  Now it's just the same old thing all the time.  I want to write a book, and also photograph the world, but who's going to pay me for that?  So if I embark on this writing/photography thing, who is going to pay me at the end of my writing?  I've been trying to stay positive, but there are times when reality hits me in the face and I can't help but feel down.

About the only thing that I was able to get excited about was my new iPhone.  As I write this I've had the new phone for a month.  I love it.  It's quick and pretty.  Because of the higher resolution camera I've been able to take some awesome pictures with the phone.  I've been posting them on my Twitter and Facebook feeds.  The ones I think are a little better I've been posting on The Observer.  And the ones I think are super good I've been adding to the iPhone page in IMAGE_171. Yes, there are that many new pictures.  The new phone has allowed me to take better pictures and it's caused me to really look at more things as potential photographic subjects.  This is the best thing that's happen to me this month.  In a little more than a month's time I've taken approximately 1,000 photos with my new iPhone.

A couple of months ago I answered an open call for photos for a contest.  After looking at many of the entries online I wondered if I should even enter.  I didn't have any doubt that my photos are good, rather that perhaps they didn't fit a certain aesthetic style that was more likely to win these kind of contests.  Clearly I was right, because I didn't win the contest.  I'm OK with that because I entered the contest to get my work out in front of the public.  There were very good works submitted, and I knew it was going to be an uphill battle against such talented competition.

There are two things that concern me with this loss.  One, the winner's work.  While interesting, I found MUCH better work than that of the eventual winner.  Not to sound like sour grapes, but the work that won is frankly boring.  It is visually interesting at first, but the novelty quickly fades leaving nothing, not even an aftertaste.  Which makes me wonder if this is what art has become.  Because in my last trip to the museum I looked at some works that were also devoid of any context, emotion, or aesthetic beauty.  I believe that art can still survive without being "beautiful" or having a context.  But what it CAN'T be devoid of is emotion.  Art is about the reaction.  When I see the winner's photos I feel as blank as the photos that inspired that emotional void.

This brings me to my second concern.  If the winner's work was found to have something that was "better" than my work, what does that say about my work?  Does it mean that my work is devoid of context, emotion and aesthetic beauty?  Hitting the trifecta of negatives made me question my editorial style, and my skills.  You see, my work is 99.99% of the time not a work of setting a scene.  I walk around, see something I find beautiful and take a picture of it.  Recording that beauty, that moment, as I see it.  I don't set-up my photos.  I don't linger in a place for days, and weeks (like the winner stated in her bio).  My interaction with what I photograph lasts for 30 seconds or less.  Most of the time FAR less than 30 seconds.  This "loss" is making me wonder not only about that technique, but of my whole editorial style.  It's how I see the world, so even if I wanted to change it I'm not sure that I wouldn't revert to that style anyways.

And so I sit here at my desk writing this wondering what I should do.  What should I do to get my work "out there." Nothing I've tried has worked (with my photograph and my personal life).  I'm stuck.  Which goes, as I kinda stated before, for my personal life.  I was on one of those online dating sites, hoping to find what I can't find in real life.  After giving it a try for a few months I've come up empty.  The women I've written have either not answered or have written back to say thanks but no thanks.  I ask myself why I put myself through this kind of torture when the outcome is ALWAYS the same.  I've tried to be the optimist and give this thing another try, and another, and yet another.  Until now I always had a little bit of optimism left over.  This time, I'm pretty sure that no amount of optimism is ever going to be fulfilled with me finding someone.  I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life.  I'm OK with that as long as I know that's what it's going to be.  Now that I do, I've resolved myself to just go on by myself.  As with my photography, I'm just not what "they" are looking for.  And in that sense my photography is a perfect representation of who I am.  That makes me happy.  Because what I am is unappreciated.  I have found that I'm only appreciated once I'm gone.  I sneak into lives, become part of the background, yet not expendable.  Once I'm no longer there THAT's when I'm appreciated.  Sad.  Which means that some day in the future someone will be reading this saying something like, "Wow, no one 'got' his work back then." I appreciate those that do, more than I can say.

My iPhone project continues, with more pictures taken with my iPhone and filtered though a photo app named ToyCamera.  These pictures aren't intended to tell a story, just to be a showcase for this particular app and my photography using that app.  Enjoy the July pictures, which include pictures taken with my new iPhone.