Afterthoughts: This Past Month

It's nearly the end of 2025... which has been a strange year, to say the least.  Let's get to the update.

Saturday, November, 1, My first assignment for today was to pick up the tamales from Lupita's.  I've been wanting to try Lupita's for a while now.  The first time I went there it was closed.  The next time I went they were closed due to being sold out.  Damn, and damn.  So today would be my first chance to actually try these tamales.  They lived up to the hype.  I had two of the ones set aside for employees.  Both hit the spot, but I liked the cheese one better.  At the end of the night there were some leftover, so I took them home for my aunt and me.

Today was the library's celebration of Dia de los Muertos.  It's always a busy event.  I was running around fixing things, like that book called it a duct taper.  People acknowledged that I was running around.  Yeah, I get things done, and that's why people ask me to do things.  Like at one point one of the people working the children's room said they couldn't lock the sliding doors.  They said there wasn't a way.  I KNOW there's a way.  I ran up there and put the doors on the right setting.  What a bunch of dumbs.

I took one of the pictures of Cheyenne and added it to the ofrenda, the alter.

In the strangest of years the Dodgers win game seven in an unbelievable and strange manner.  I could try to tell you what happened, but I'll just link up a video of the highlights.  Suffice to say, I really thought the Dodgers were goners.  But in the end they kept on fighting.  They kept on coming back.  Good on them.  This was an amazing World Series to win.  Blue Jays have a great team, and took the Dodgers to the edge.  They have nothing to be ashamed of.

Sunday, November, 2, Everywhere I went today there were obstacles.  I went to Smart and Final to get my aunt some sourdough bread.  On the way back to get my groceries I found that Ventura blvd was closed due to police activity.  Later I found out via the internet that it was a fatal crash.  Makes sense.

At dinner my aunt turns to me and once again asks a stupid question... "What do you pay for your health insurance?"  "None ya business," I wanted to tell her.  I just didn't answer the question.  Of course my aunt doesn't read the room, because later in the night she comes into my room and asks me again.  I told her I wasn't going to tell her, and that was that.  She claimed that she wanted to know so she could help me, so I could see the doctor.  I'm sure she thinks I'm sick or something due to my weight-loss.  I'm already seeing the doctor and it only costs me the co-pay.  Because of dumb dumb in the White House I might have to pay some part of a premium next year.  But for the last couple of years I haven't paid a dime.  A few years back my monthly was $4.  I'm going to have to talk to her about her advice, and how it is not wanted.  Ever.

Monday, November, 3, I rolled into work this morning and found the same book bins that I left on Friday were still sitting on a cart like nothing had happened.  I was the one that sorted them AFTER I finished the route.  After!  I don't know what these jokers did all weekend.

The main thing I had to do on the route today was a special delivery from Brand to Central.  So I knocked that out first thing.  Then I did the rest of the route.  There isn't much to tell, it wasn't a busy day.

I went over to TheGirl's after work to open up Cheyenne's ashes.  It was emotional, of course.  TheGirl says that she is mad at herself for not doing enough to help Cheyenne.  I told her she can't keep beating herself up.  There was nothing we could have done to make it any other way.  I also know that it's TheGirl coping with her loss.  She is going through the stages of grief.  She's obviously in the anger stage today.  They did a nice job with Cheyenne's ashes.  The box is nice, and they added a lovely paw print.

Tuesday, November, 4, In the spirit of getting used to doing things alone, I took myself to Claremont to just walk around.  I had half a thought to visit Ilsa at her job, spurred on by her saying I should come by.  Later she rescinded that invitation due to her "bad" manager working today.  Yeah, I get it.  I was going to joke if she could make me an Arnold Palmer, but that joke was flat to begin with.  Then in light of the non-invite it would have really fallen flat.  I didn't have any specific plans, other than to enjoy Claremont in the fall.  It didn't disappoint.  I did a bunch of walking around the village, not so much on campus.  I certainly got my steps in today.

James Turrell has an outdoor exhibit on one of the Pomona colleges campuses.  I want to check it out, but during the evening.  I wasn't going to stay there that late today, but I wanted to see where it was, and how it looked.  It's a pretty cool little corner on a building that just looks like a regular nice building.  I do want to come back during sunset.  There is a show that happens both at sunset and sunrise.  The sunrise one must be pretty interesting since you have to be there when it's still dark.

Wednesday, November, 5, I peed myself again last night.  This must be a combination of over drinking and sleepwalking.  I mean, I've had my share of nights where I drink a lot.  But it's only been recently that I pee myself.  And now it seems to be on a regular basis.  ARGH!  I suck.  I think it's time to change some things.  Maybe get some adult diapers.  Maybe drink less.  Maybe don't drink at all at night.  I don't know.  Things have to change though.

I was talking to Winona today at Chevy about the circulation manual.  She was printing it out.  I wanted to check out the old one vs the new one.  I remember at our all staff meeting just over three weeks ago that a question was brought up about fines and paying for a lost or damaged book.  We were told that if a book was checked out at one location that any payment for lost or damaged would have to be paid at that check out location.  I had been told that the payment could be made at any location.  Sure enough, the manual revised October 8 of this year clearly says that a book can be paid for at any location.  Wrong again, dopes.

When I pulled up to Central I saw this nice lady out front with a lot of frames in her car.  I figured it was something to do with the upcoming exhibit.  She was sexy.  Her moves reminded me of Little Annie Fanny, casually unaware of her body.  At one point the skirt she was wearing lifted and I could see her underwear.  Which was like a bikini bottom rather than something lacy.  I like.  Her top was revealing in a way most women these days don't reveal their body.  I know many women would be worried about their skirt and move their hands back there to cover their modesty.  Not this girl, which I like.  I hope I get to see her again.  And talk to her again.

TheGirl and I went to Wood Ranch for dinner tonight.  We sat out on the patio.  One, it was a chilly night, but the heaters kept the patio warm.  Also, we're still not ready to have our meals inside the restaurant.  Too soon.  Also also, it's too noisy inside these restaurants.  I think we both got used to the quieter patio experience.  I'm OK sitting outside until forever, but I know we will find ourselves eating inside someday.  I had the picture of Cheyenne on the table.  TheGirl thought it was a good idea.  I am full of good ideas.  We had a good cry over Cheyenne tonight.  It's already been three and a half weeks since that awful night we had to put her down.  Feels like forever.

On our way to dinner the super moon was rising above the mountains.  I only got one chance to take a picture as TheGirl drove to downtown Burbank.  The parallax effect caused the rising moon to look like it was setting.

Thursday, November, 6, Some dummy dumped about thirty magazines in the bookdrop.  Thanks for nothing.  I took them right to the trash.  People believe their junk is something they can't trash, because they are so valuable.  But they aren't valuable.

I took out my keyboard to catch up on journaling and it just felt like it was later in the day.  But no, it was only 4pm.  Three hours to go.  These shorter Thursdays actually feel longer than the Thursdays when I would work from 9am to 7pm.  ARGH!

It's been a while that I've driven really fast on the way home.  Last night I took the car up to 90mph.  I must vow to myself never to take it over 75mph ever again.  Hell, even 70mph is too fast on my Wednesday nights.  I'm not even sure what dummy move caused me to just want to go faster and faster.  Yes, the other drivers annoy me and go too slow.  But that's no reason to drive like an idiot.  I decry others driving like idiots, but here I am driving like an idiot.  And for what?  To get home faster?  No more.

At work I have all the answers, but it seems like more and more I've been fucking things up in my home life.  From peeing on myself multiple times in the last few months, to just generally getting so many things wrong, I think it's time for a change.  For sure I need to drink less.  It's costly, and bad for me.  And it is clearly causing me to fuck things up in my life.  What if there had been a cop on the road when I was rushing home last night?  They may have pulled me over and found out I had been drinking.  While I wasn't sloshed, clearly there was enough booze in me that it left me with the inability to control myself and drive super fast.

Friday, November, 7, I was informed last night that they needed me to fill in instead of driving today.  Abby would be driving.  Fine.  My marching orders until 12pm were vague.  I was to help out at circulation until it was time to go to Grandview to cover in the evening.  I found that it was easier for me to just kill time doing things like talking to Grigor and Ru on the desk, followed by getting the bookmobile stuff ready for tomorrow, and generally just killing time.  Noon rolled around I got my stuff and made my way to Grandview.

But wait... there's a twist.  I thought someone would be at Grandview when I got there so I could heat up my lunch and be ready to start.  But, it turned out no one was at Grandview, but I didn't find that out until I was on my way there.  So I made a detour to Brand and had my lunch up there.  The funny thing is that Abby was up there too.  She thought I was checking up on her, but I told her I was just up there to heat up my lunch.  Funny little coincidence.

When I finally got to Grandview I was fed.  The shift was busy but not bad.  I don't go nuts anymore.  While on the desk I just take things as they come.  I don't have the energy to go all out anymore.  That and I knew I had a long day ahead of me still.

I arrived at Parthenia and Haskell just a few at around 5:20pm.  I must have had the wrong address, because I had a hell of a time finding the right gate.  It wasn't until I got Olga's text that I figured out that I was at the wrong gate.  I arrived at New Horizons at 5:30pm, when I was supposed to start work.  I got my gear and was greeted by Olga.  I went about my work shooting some good pictures.  I wouldn't know until after I checked them out on my computer if they did come out well.  When I got home I did, and there were some duds, but plenty of good ones to earn my keep.  I think.

Saturday, November, 8, As I drove off to work this morning there was a murder of crows just hanging out in my neighbor's yard.  They were all over the yard and in the trees.  Guess they were gathering to do what crows do all day.

Long live the bookmobile.  Today's bookmobile outing will be the last for a while.  Jaclyn says we MIGHT still attend the Montrose Christmas parade, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm done.  Done.  If it happens fine, but if it doesn't I'm fine with that too.  Today's event at the park went like most of our events at the park... a smattering of families coming by.  Not many check outs, and not many meaningful interactions.  By meaningful I should say that they might be valuable to the patrons that come by and get to read a book at the park.  But I'm talking about something meaningful where we seem to really connect with the patrons.

After work I went down to Hail Mary pizza to get a pair of pies for my aunt and me.  When I went inside everyone there was giving me a dirty look, and followed me with their eyes as I walked up to the counter.  Then one guy says, "We're closed."  Oh, I thought, it's past 1pm and they're closed on a Saturday?  Turns out they open at 2:30pm.  Like what the hell?  Why so late?  I look at the sign and sure enough, they open late on the weekdays... 4pm!  Anyway, I just walked out and got a pair of pies from Ozzy's in North Hollywood.  Hail Mary makes a good pie, but some of us don't venture out of the house after a certain hour.  Guess I'm not wanted.

Sunday, November, 9, I did some drinking last night, and before I went too far I put on one of the adult diapers I bought.  Sure enough, I peed myself again last night.  But this time, the diaper caught it.  Not a highlight of my year, for sure.  But, past me kept future me from peeing myself.  One thing is for sure, I can't go on drinking like this anymore.  It's probably a good idea to just drink a couple of days out of the week.  Like Wednesdays and perhaps Friday nights.  Like I used to.  For the last two years I have been drinking nearly every night.  The only time I've broken that streak is when I've been sick.  And even then.

I woke up early this morning only to get a text from Mala asking if I was available to work from 12:45pm to 6:15pm.  Sure, I said.  Then I went about taking a shower, eating some breakfast, and going on my usual Sunday market spree.  I actually got everything done, except going to CVS to get my aunt's pills.  I'll have to do that tomorrow.  Or Tuesday.  The shift was interesting, because it's a Sunday.  There are a group of people that work on Sunday that know what Sundays in the library are like.  I'm not a frequent visitor to Sunday shifts, but I've worked many in the past.  As always, it's an adventure.

Monday, November, 10, I drank a lot less booze last night, and it was good.  I didn't pee myself, and I didn't go sleepwalking at night.  Mission accomplished.  I really have to cut down on my drinking, because I still had a good time without getting too sloshed.

A picture from five years ago came on my feed this morning and I was surprised to see the name of my new coworker Abby on the hold slip.  Back in 2020 the library was closed due to the pandemic.  We were checking books out via curbside delivery.  I was charged on Tuesdays to get the books ready for check out.  I was there for eight hours every Tuesday setting the tables up for curbside.  Sometimes I would see a mistake on the shelving, because I knew what books I was supposed to pull from the hold shelf.  Which meant someone had already pulled it and a hold slip would be generated.  One day I saw a mistake in the shelving, which I took a picture of it to put in my journal.  It didn't make it to my journal, but five years later it was on my feed today and I recognized the name of my new coworker Abby.  What a strange coincidence.

It's nearly the middle of November and the weather decides it's a good idea to be eighty-six degrees today.  ARGH!  Last week it was nice and chilly out.  To the point that I actually wore something long sleeved when TheGirl and I went out to dinner last week.  Well, here it is nearly ninety.  Boo!

A week after Cheyenne passed I posted a picture on Instagram with the simple caption saying "Miss you forever."  Tonight's visit with TheGirl she mentioned that she can't imagine the pain ever going away.  I told her I was 100% sure it will never go away.  Cheyenne was a sea change moment for her and for me.  Never had either of us been so close to a dog.  Cheyenne changed both of our lives for the better.  She was our pal.  She gave her love unconditionally, which is why every dog owner loves their pups.  We miss that, and that's why we hurt.  Both of us will miss her until our dying day.

Some time last week I talked to TheGirl about going out to Claremont's wine walk on November 22nd.  She said yes, but over the weekend she asked if I had bought my ticket.  No, I was working and didn't have the time.  She said she hadn't either, and that's when I knew she didn't want to go.  I didn't have the money to buy us both our tickets this week, so I didn't.  Today she said she didn't want to go, because we would be drinking and driving back home late.  She's right.  I could still go out there and drink a little, or just visit for a bit and come back home.  She did say we should just go out there on our own.  I'm good with that.

A couple of weeks ago my healthcare provider sent me a letter saying I was eligible for a gift card.  I was dismissive at first, but then I thought I should take a few minutes to go online and get my gift card.  Well, it arrived today.  A $50 gift card to Target.  It was the only place that I thought I could use the card for real.  Everything else on the list was exotic to me and my neighborhood.  The card arrived today, but now I don't know what I REALLY need to buy.  Maybe they sell booze.

Tuesday, November, 11, My aunt waited until I was nearly done getting my breakfast ready this morning when she started getting her breakfast ready.  ARGH!  She always moves so slow and blocks my way to everything I'm doing.  No matter where I put my things, she will migrate to that area of the kitchen.  Frustrating!  I kinda hate these days off, because she goes about her day and it just seems like she's in my way.

A few months ago my Dropbox informed me that I had used 1.3 terabytes.  A healthy chunk of that space was lately used by video files of Cheyenne.  I was starting to think I needed to buy more storage.  Sadly since Cheyenne has passed I don't need as much potential storage.

The cute girl of 2025 for me is Rachel Sennott.  I paid a few bucks a few years ago for unlimited access to the website Mr Skin.  They have all the videos of all the movie stars as they appear nude on screen.  So, naturally when I got the email for one of my favorites having a new scene I had to check it out.  She is a looker.  She's now on a show "I Love LA," and she's taking it off for the camera.  Nice!

Wednesday, November, 12, I have a bit of a crush on Marie from Treasury.  Mainly because she has an enormous chest.  I never notice these kind of things, but today I noticed she had a little ring on her right ring finger.  Moments later Ana says, "She's going to move to Orange County once she gets married."  Gulp... so she's engaged it would seem.  And I'll never see her again.  Best drink her in as much as possible till then.

I usually get gasoline for the van on Fridays, but I didn't drive on Friday.  I drove on Monday, but I didn't notice the low level until I was done with the route.  So I told myself that I would get gasoline for the van today.  When I finished one of the mechanics told me to stop by the garage.  He wanted to check if the van was low on oil.  The last couple of times he's mentioned that the van might be burning oil.  Sure enough, it was short on oil.  I told him that I asked for a new van three years back.  Then he tells me that I should put water in the oil and then get the van checked.  It would show the leak and they would have to buy a new van, because it would mean there's a crack in the engine block.  And they would not put that kind of money for a new motor on such an old car.  I'm not sure if I can do that, but I might if I ask and they once again reject my request.

Rainy days and Mondays get Karen Carpenter down.  The day that my mother died was a gloomy day.  The day that we put Cheyenne down was a gloomy day.  For the rest of my days, gloomy days will always remind me of Cheyenne.

TheGirl and I were pretty good all throughout our dinner at Tally Rand, in Burbank.  We had our little picture of Cheyenne.  We broke down a little bit, but we also reminisced.  After dinner we didn't walk, we went over to the Bargain market across the street.  They have some OK stuff there, but nothing I'm really aching to have, or to drive out here to get.

Something I ALMOST bought at the market was this baseball cap that said I'm your huckleberry.  If I wasn't already close to overdraft I probably would have bought it.  There was also another cap that said Say when.  Nice!

Upon return to TheGirl's place that's when the waterworks started.  We both agreed that this is the hardest thing we've had to go through.  Cheyenne's presence in our lives made us better.  She made our world brighter.  Now that she's gone that light is out, and we are having trouble finding our way.  We will.  The hurt will never be less than an eleven.  Someday we will manage it to the point where we are not instantly crying.  Oh we might sob, and give each other that knowing look.  Maybe someday, but not soon.  This is a hurt we share forever.

Thursday, November, 13, Tony came in this morning saying he had two new signs for the library in delivery.  I went to the back office to check and took a picture.  I was already not liking the position of the words, when Katie noticed something worse.  The word Verdugo was misspelled to say Verugo.  No D.  Good job.  They should just have me do the graphics.  How sad.

I saw a book on leadership at the library for kids.  And the first thought after reading a little bit of it was that THIS book was a hundred times better at conveying what leadership is than that speech made a month ago at the all staff meeting.  Almost everyone that answered the survey said that the speaker was awful.  Anyway, I just know that this book was very good for a children's book on the subject.  At least it has a path to leadership and understanding what it takes.  I should send it up to the administration office.  Maybe they'll learn something.

I didn't get a chance to mention it, but since I'm talking about leadership and that book, something was revealed to me about Sarah's departure.  Michelle told me yesterday that Sarah told her that Sarah told Syco that she was interested in moving up and becoming management.  Syco replied to her, "I'll decide when you move up."  That's when Sarah knew there was no future here.  There is no future here for anyone.  This place is like the minor leagues.  It will teach you some things, for sure.  But if you want to play in the bigs you have to get out of here.  The skills learned here will come in handy, but there should be a better method of learning those skills that is not just trial and error.

When I got home tonight I took the other framed picture of Cheyenne and put it next to my mother's picture at home.  That area is reserved for all those who have passed.  Cheyenne was a significant part of my life, she deserves to be there.

Friday, November, 14, The weather liars said we would get rain today, and sure enough it was raining when I went to work.  Thankfully it didn't rain during the route, except in the morning.  I'm good with rain days as long as the rain arrives at night.  Which is what happened tonight.  It didn't start coming down harder until I was already on my way home.  Yay!  The forecast is for rain all through the weekend and until the first part of next week.  So the weather liars say now.  One of them mentioned that the system that's bringing us this weather is lingering off the coast.  OK.

The roof patch I did last month seems to have fixed the problem.  I'm making that assessment based on viewing the security camera's footage while my aunt was dancing around the backyard in the rain.  When I got home it was dark, so I couldn't make a good assessment of the leak.  That will have to wait until tomorrow.

When I got home I made a dinner out of all the leftover food I had in the fridge.  This included pizza from last week, fish from Wednesday night, and a half of a tamale.  All hit the spot.

Saturday, November, 15, I allowed myself to have four shots of whiskey at the beginning of the night.  I ending up having five.  Five seems to be the magic number.  And when I say shots I don't mean swigs directly from the bottle.  That was how I normally drink.  Last night, and the night before, I got a shot glass and drank that amount.  Five shots.  I still put on my adult diaper just in case.  Five shots seems to be the sweet spot.

I have a lot of travel size items in the medicine cabinet that have been there for years.  Some of the things are from trips to Big Sur and Carmel.  They've been in there for a while, so I want to use them so they just don't sit there.

I thought the roof patch worked 100%, but it seems that it was more like 80%.  I'll have to get more patch material, as well as a tarp to really make sure the leak never happens again.

Sunday, November, 16, Ilsa asked me how it was going with Gisela last night.  I told her a while back that she ghosted me.  I didn't tell her that I'm done with these things.  I'm not chasing anyone, and I even told Ilsa that I'm just going to do things on my own from now on.  I'm not going to wait for some woman that clearly doesn't exist to go do things with me.  I was born alone, and I've been alone most of my life - I can be alone the rest of it.  Now that Cheyenne is gone I'm giving myself the permission to just live.  Ilsa said that Gisela asked about her holiday party, and that Gisela said that she wants to come and she wants me to invite you so you both can meet in person.  Hmm.  I don't know about this.

For years the lights in the living room have been broken.  Earlier this year one of the lights just fell to the floor.  Well, the light cover, not the actual light bulb.  The other night I bought some online and they showed up today.  After breakfast I went to work on installing the new lights.  I think they look good.  Best of all, they're not busted.

On Friday I was getting ready to leave work when I saw something on the donations cart that caught my eye.  It was a book of poses, for photography.  It's a great resource, it's only too bad I don't have anyone to pose for me.

The weather lady Belen De Leon is really pretty.  I took a few moments from two forecasts to showcase that.

Monday, November, 17, In a quest to lose just a little more weight I cut the cheese and salami I bought this weekend into fourths.  That way I can have my usual four crackers and not have as much cheese and salami.  I really want to make the push to lose another fifteen pounds.  I like being thinner.  People are starting to notice my size difference.  For my part I know that I've been able to fit in some clothes that I haven't fit in in a while.

I stepped outside the Brand library on my way to the van with the delivery bins when I heard a sound coming from the trail.  I thought maybe it was a person, or deer, or maybe even a coyote.  It was none of those things.  Upon further investigating I found a grey squirrel stuck in the big trash bin.  It was wet, and looked desperate.  I dropped what I was doing and ran to the van to get my towel.  The towel I use to eat in the park, when the weather is nice.  The poor little thing kept on trying to climb under the towel, not over it.  So, it never got a grip.  I went inside the library looking for some kind of stick.  I thought about getting a broom, but my keys don't open the janitor's closet.  I would have to go to circulation, and for some reason I was in a bit of a panic.  Animals like this can panic themselves to death.  This little one look panicked.  I needed a stick.  Thankfully I found one just a few feet from the dumpster.  I put it in the dumpster at a forty-five degree angle and let nature take its course.  Sure enough, within moments the squirrel got the hint and hot footed it up the stick and out of the dumpster.  Mr Good Deeds does it again!

After I got home I checked my work email and sure enough they announced that Mala is the new Assistant Director of Library Operations.  Talk about the wrong move.  We are doomed.  The worst person in the building is now going to be in charge of everything.  She was the defacto assistant director already, but now she will have the actual power of that office.  And watch out status quo, your days are not numbered.  Yeah, nothing is going to chance.  Nothing good, anyway.  It's going to be the same old stagnant times here.  Also, she gets a raise.  The rich get richer.

Tuesday, November, 18, I'm back to running errands on Tuesday mornings before going to work.  I went to the hardware store to get more patch compound for the roof.  While there I also picked up a tarp for the roof as well.  I want to be extra cautious and stop every leak.

I had this notion to go to Olvera street and get some of that yummy avocado sauce they sell at Cielito Lindo.  I think the sauce would be great for chilaquiles.  So, I went downtown and parked my car in Chinatown.  That way the walk to Olvera would assure that I get some of my steps in.  It wasn't raining, but it was cold.  While at Cielito Lindo I got a pair of tacos.  Hit the spot.  I love Chinatown, I just wish it wasn't so run down.  So many of the buildings are dingy, and dirty.  And just plain rundown.  But, I rather have this than gentrification.  That's the worst thing that can happen to Chinatown.  A little improvement... yes.  Oh well, that's the state of Chinatown today.

Wednesday, November, 19, I picked up the mail from the fire department and went to the passenger side of the van to put the mail in the mail bin located in the cabin of the van.  When I walked back to the other side I noticed a sticker on the side of the van.  It was of a stick figure holding a swastika and throwing it into a trash bin.  Yes, I agree.  But, I don't think that should be on the side of a city vehicle.  Not that I'm saying we don't endorse the actions of the stick figure man.  We do endorse trashing Nazis.  The only good Nazi is a dead Nazi.

TheGirl and I went to the Yard House in Burbank for dinner tonight.  I would have been OK sitting outside, but it was cold and TheGirl wanted to sit inside.  We ordered a watermelon margarita.  It was good, but a bit weak.  My second drink was a Manhattan.  The food was good, but too much.  I took half of my food home.  When I'm feeling toasty I sometimes forget to tip.  Tonight I tipped, but I think I didn't tip enough.  ARGH!  How do I set a reminder to tip properly?  Guess I can add it to the music reminder.

After dinner TheGirl and I walked on the Chandler bike path, where she and Cheyenne walked so many times.  It's so hard to believe Cheyenne is gone.  It hasn't even been two months and it feels like forever.  I think that I haven't dealt with much of the loss that I have felt since Cheyenne passed.  I don't know what to do, because I'm not sure there is anything that can be done other than bring her back.  I accepted her passing, and I said my good-byes.  But it's the routine that's different.  Wednesdays I expected her to be there to greet me.  She's not anymore.  I expected the sound of her nails on the hardwood floor.  It's not there anymore.  I expect a hundred things, like licking my face when I got into the car.  She isn't there anymore.  It's so much harder for TheGirl, I know.  Her whole day was focused around Cheyenne.  For me it was Mondays and Wednesdays, with a huge emphasis on Wednesday night dinners.  That was our big thing for the week.  It's still one of the only things I look forward to all week.  Wednesday night is the farthest point from Wednesday, and it sucks.  I joked with TheGirl a while back that we need a second Wednesday.  I wouldn't mind going out on Friday nights.  But, it's more a matter of money than want.  Going out ain't cheep.  TheGirl and I drop about $200 a month on going out.  And maybe I'm not even doing the math right, and it could be more like $250.  Since we ALWAYS have a second round of drinks. 

Anyway... I just miss Cheyenne.

Thursday, November, 20, I went on Instagram this morning while waiting to take my blood pressure.  The girl above appeared and her movements blew my mind.  I got hard from the little video of her showing off her legs and ass.  I ended up jerking-off to this and other images.  Maybe I should make this a regular thing on mornings that I start work late.  Maybe.

I ate my lunch today thinking I could maybe dash out and beat the rain before my walk.  No dice.  Lunchtime walk canceled on account of rain.  I really should use my treadmill at home on days like this.  But, I get lazy when I get home.  However, it's nice being thinner.  I like that I actually do have more energy.  Imagine that.

Driving home I found a car stuck in the middle of Haskell, blocking my way home.  I was able to get around the car.  I parked the car on the side of the road and got out to help.  There had been one guy trying to push the Range Rover, but it's a big car and the floor was slippery.  With the help of a third guy we were able to push the car.  It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I helped.  Mr Good Deeds strikes again.

Friday, November, 21, Not much to say today.  Just one of the grind days of the year.  But, it was chill.  No rain... just a beautiful day.

Saturday, November, 22, Abigail from Pollo Loco gave me a really nice greeting today.  She even ignored another customer to ask me if I wanted salsa.  I want a lot more, but I'll take the pico de gallo.  Sigh.

I went down to the Bob Baker theater to check out the always lovely marionette show.  I've seen the Halloween show a couple of times, but I've never seen the Winter Wonderland show.  Until today.  It was so lovely.  They do the best shows.  I can't wait to go back there again.

Today is the eighteenth year anniversary of my father's passing.  Eighteen years... Wow.  How have so many years passed already?  How am I fifty four years old?  I don't know.  In a few years I will be as old as he was when he passed.  Nuts.  Our paths are kinda similar when it comes to some things.  Like health.  He passed because he didn't take care of himself.  I have started to do better, because I don't want to have diabetes.  I don't want to be overweight.  I like thin me.  I'm just overwhelmed by the idea that it's been nearly two decades.  Where did the time go?

I follow Victoria Justice on the socials.  Lately she's been killing it.  She's been working out like a mad woman to look as good as she can.  She already started out with an amazing foundation.  She's putting it out there, because she's gotta eat.  So she's throwing herself into her work, and putting out her beauty front and center.  In this video she's really bursting.  Just amazing.  Vagabundo said, "Less singing, more dancing."

Money isn't real.  I mean, it's real, but it's also imaginary in a way.  The way we look at money isn't the way it really is in real life.  The above picture goes to a video about national debt, and why we'll never get out of our national debt.  It's never meant to go away, that's why.

Sunday, November, 23, My aunt directed me to check out the new Super King on Vanowen.  It's not that new, but I haven't been to it, until today.  She wanted me to get some bread, but all Super Kings got rid of their bakeries.  Their bread is not made in-house.  The other Super King I visit on Sherman Way is bigger, and has better variety of things.  No bakery, though.  There were a couple of nice ladies at the market, but I won't be back any time soon.

I bought my aunt and I pot pies from Moffett's in Arcadia yesterday.  My plan is to thaw them out the day before, and then bake them in the air fryer.  Oh, now that I think about it, I should have bought some frozen corn.  I'll have to get some at the market before Thursday.  After that, I don't have any plans for the balance of the holiday.  I thought about maybe making a day trip out to Santa Barbara, or Solvang, but I need to plan things out.  The last trip was good, but I did miss out on some things.  On the other hand, I did do some things I've never done up in Solvang before.

Monday, November, 24, On Mondays I try to get my steps at the Brand library.  Since I'm alone I have the library to myself.  That doesn't mean things go smoothly.  In the area where I walk there was a stool in my way.  Last week I cornered it, only to find TWO stools in my way this afternoon.  It's like they want me to fall.  Maybe I should just walk in the park.  The reason I started walking inside the library was the heat back earlier in the year.  Now the weather is delightful.  Yeah, next week I'll walk around the park.

I had mail when I got home.  One letter was from LA Care, my healthcare provider.  They had sent me a letter a couple of months ago that said my payment would likely go up.  Thanks to dumb dumb in the white house.  Well, the other shoe dropped today.  My monthly will be $45.61, where it was zero per month.  I mean, it's not bad for me, but I liked not having to pay a dime.  Oh well.

Tonight my aunt came into my room to talk.  NEVER a good thing.  It means she has something dumb to say.  Sure enough, tonight's topic is that she thinks I didn't have dinner.  While clearly I did.  The container that the food was in is now in the trash.  She saw that.  She was in the wash room earlier.  But she felt I didn't eat enough.  In the back of her head she's plotting something.  She keeps on talking about money.  To be sure, it's an evergreen topic.  No one, these days, has enough.  But we are doing good in this household.  We are lucky we don't spend a lot on rent.  The other day I spent less than $100 on groceries.  I'm having pasta and salad this shortened week.  I have lessened my drinking, which means I didn't have to buy booze this week.  However, my aunt is always restless about things like this.  Once she gets an idea of something no amount of evidence will convince her otherwise.  She must think we don't have money for me to buy food.  Not that we are rolling, but we have food money.  Hell, if we didn't then how do we eat take-out every weekend?  We are better off than a lot of people.  Thankfully.  Again, we're not rolling in dough, but we have food money and money to pay all our bills.  I'm thinking with me drinking less I'll have THAT money to pay more bills faster.  That's my goal right now... to pay off my credit card bills, and then my mortgage.  My buddy is also on pay down mode.  I love that he gets flack for doing the right thing.  I'm doing the right thing by paying my bills off faster, and eating better.  Funny how my aunt doesn't see it.  To be fair, I don't tell her about any of this stuff.

Tuesday, November, 25, I thought today's visit to the doctor was going to be just bloodwork, but it turned out to be a full consultation.  Which was fine, but I had to rush to work afterward.  My A1C was 5.6 today.  Which is good, but they did draw blood to confirm.  Blood pressure was also good.  The doctor noticed I lost weight and called me a model patient.  Nice!

For the last week and a half we have had no holds at Casa Verdugo.  No one in charge can explain why this is happening, but today Raffy sent us a bunch of holds.  It fell to me to gather the holds.  There were enough to fill a blue bin.  Good job, dopes.  Sierra, the software we used at the library, sucks dick.

I've been wanting to change tortilla chips that don't use vegetable oil to cook.  So I searched brands that use other oils such as coconut or avocado oil.  Check.  But then I had to find locations that carry some of these brands.  I found a brand I wanted to try called Siete at Whole Foods.  I don't really shop at Whole Food, but it turns out I might be more in the future.

I've been shopping at the Pavilions on Ventura and Kester for over twenty-five years now.  Long enough that I used to go with my grandmother.  Since I have been working on my weight I've been buying spring mix pre-made salads.  I found that Whole Foods has a larger 16oz salad for $6.  I buy two 5oz salads for $2.50 on sale at Pavilions.  Now I can go to Whole Foods for two items.

I get chicken nuggets for my aunt and me from Smart and Final.  $13 for the family size bag.  Whole Foods has a similar bag, but the nuggets are not made with chicken puree, but rather use whole chicken.  Winner!  Now I have three items.  There's more, but suffice to say I thought Whole Foods would be more expensive, but it's pretty much on par with my other markets, except Jon's and Super King.

I'll just leave this here... six, seven!

Years ago I used to follow an artist named Andy Rementer.  He had a feature online called Techno Tuesday, which I found to be great.  It was a modern look at society and social media in a humorous and dark way.  Well, Andy announced today that Techno Tuesday will return.  I'm happy to hear that.  It's a feature that I need in my life to laugh at how many of us live in the Post-Covid social media world.

Wednesday, November, 26, If I get the jump on the route I can finish everything WAY before I get off at 4:30pm.  I usually take my time, but today I got a bit of a jump since I got to the treasury department before my appointment at 9:30am.  But, they let me go in early, that meant I could get to Montrose early.  That and I didn't go to Chevy Chase.  I was already at the fire department and it wasn't even 11am.  I'm usually there a little after noon.  There is no use in jumping on the route like this for me, since I have to fill in the eight hour shift.  I usually take it easy, but today I just had momentum.

I forget who pointed this out to me, but it is telling.  In this week's notes the director of the library wrote, "While the road may sometimes be rocky, thank you, for contributing to the team and for staying with GLAC."  This someone I can't remember pointed out that line, thank you "... for staying."  The exodus began the second Mala was named assistant library director.  Everyone knew at that moment that whatever hope there was was killed with her being in that position.  Everyone I talk to points out her and Syco being like dams, holding back progress.  Gatekeepers, if you will, of anything good.  All good projects die at their hands.  And so has morale.  They said to everyone if you don't like it there's the door.  Well, many are not reaching for the door.  It's of their own making.  But, they'll still get paid.  None of this will affect them.

It's been six weeks since Cheyenne's passing.  Our dinners have obviously changed.  The biggest difference is that we have been eating inside the restaurants we visit.  Tonight it was the Smoke House.  Our first meal since Cheyenne's passing.  Every first time at our regularly visited restaurants will be hard.  Because it puts us right back to the beginning of our grief.  This is what is going to happen every time.

One of the things about dinner with Cheyenne is that we almost never ate inside.  Even when it was cold out.  Now inside is the main option.  It's going to take some time to get used to the noise.  The Smoke House is a very busy location.  There was a little sign on the table that said we had a two hour limit.  Hmmm.  When we arrived at the Smoke House it was still not that loud.  By the time we left the place was jumping. TheGirl and I had our cry session tonight.  I know she misses Cheyenne so much.  I miss her immensely, so I can't even imagine her grief.  This is how the rest of our lives will be.

Thursday, November, 27, I bought some pot pies last week after going to Bob Baker, just so we could have them for Thanksgiving today.  They came out great.  The air-fryer cooked them up nice.  Now I know we can do this from time to time.  Maybe I should get some for Christmas.

When I went to the doctor's office the doctor gave me a gift card for Vons.  I couldn't check the balance the other day due to a server error.  Back last week LA Care sent me a $25 gift card.  I was finally able to check, and the gift card from Tuesday is worth $50.  $75 worth of gift cards is not too bad.  That's more than my co-pay.  Nice!

Friday, November, 28, The video above pretty much sums up 2025.  What the fuck was that?

I plugged in my iPad 7 last night, and this morning it was at 100%.  I took the iPad into the dining room to use to play the videos off my playlist.  By the time we finished breakfast the battery was at 14%.  That was in less than an hour.  I had a plan to use this iPad as a sort of a control center for several home and video things.  I think this means it's going to have to stay plugged in.  This also makes me really think that I need to get an iPad mini.  The story is that a new version is coming in a few months, but we'll see.

Today I took time to clean out some of my files from my computer.  Some were deleted, others were moved to folders that make it easier to find.

Saturday, November, 29, I asked TheGirl if she wanted to go to several of the light shows that are around Los Angeles during the holidays.  She said yes to the one at Descanso, but didn't say anything when I mentioned the one at the South Coast Botanic Garden.  I don't think she liked the show we went to last time.  But, I wanted to experience all the lights I could this year.  And, this is a completely different display.  That's why I bought myself a ticket and told myself that I don't need to wait for TheGirl, or anyone else for that matter, to go with me.  This goes for everything in life.  If TheGirl doesn't want to go see the James Turell Skyspace thing in Claremont then I'm just going to go by myself.

Anyway, I went down to Palos Verdes to check out Astra Lumina.  It was good.  There were some really nice elements.  I put together a little gallery above, which includes a video.

As I was leaving the parking lot TheGirl texted me that she had had a long day.  Followed by, "Walked down to Toluca Lake this afternoon.  Walked in the steps of Cheyenne.  For the longest time, when I cross the street when the numbers are counting down, the moment I look at the number, it is always a 13.  Would always ask myself what that meant.  I realized tonight what it is.  Cheyenne died on the 13th.  I've cried all day because of this. It has been such a long day."

Then I said, "For the rest of our lives there will be these moments where we will remember her because of something that was associated with her."

TheGirl: "Some days I'm okay.  Today, not okay.  Keep thinking of the memories.  It's painful to remember them.  Really thought I was doing better"

Me: "All I can say is that there will be many good days... but there will be quite a few bad ones too"

Then TheGirl sent me the picture above and the following text.

"Last picture I took of her was October 1st at 5:01pm.  She was waiting for you to come to the front door"

She was waiting for me.  We went to Reno's that night.  It would be our second to last dinner together.  She would be gone in less than two weeks.  I'll never forget Cheyenne.  The pain will subside a bit, but it will really always be there.

Sunday, November, 30, I went to the market and saw a new Coke... holiday creamy vanilla to be exact.  It's pretty good.  It's like a more subtle vanilla Coke.  That is all.